• Hey, guest user. Hope you're enjoying NeoGAF! Have you considered registering for an account? Come join us and add your take to the daily discourse.

NeoGAF General Poetry Thread #2 - "Making the blind see"

Status
Not open for further replies.
A

Ashes

Banned
*INTERIM POETRY THREAD*

Main Poetry Topic: Making the Blind see
Imagine that I am blind. Make me see.

Secondary Aim: Write a 5w Poem. Like so.

(maybe this part could be like a try-your-hand-at-this-type-of-poetry form, or learn a new of type of poetry)

Point of interest: Poetry: What is it to the lay person?

We barely had any discussions or critiques last time round so I suggest we also add a discussion point as well or maybe point of interest. Let's see how it goes.

Rules are being improved upon as we improve the thread.


Rules version 1.1:

1. This is an interim thread. For this time only, you will have about a week for your one official submission. See rule 7 for a way to submit to two official submissions. But that is the maximum allowed I guess.
2. This thread is not merely for winning or losing, but for critiquing and improving your own craft.
3. This poetry thread 'contest' will end on a friday, and voting will last until Sunday at midnight. You cannot win unless you vote. Although you don't have to submit a piece to vote.
4. The winner must then provide the next challenge theme for the following normal two week period.
5. There are no word count limits, make it as long or as short as you want. Yes, even haikus are fine.
6. Optional secondary aims are not mandatory, you can include them or not.
7. Further addition to rule one and six. You can also try the secondary aim as a secondary piece. Just make sure you label it as such. (This may work as an added incentive to try the secondary aim I guess, as people might vote for either of your pieces).
8. Vote for your favourite poems.
9. Voters should award first, second and third places to their favourite three poems. First place is allocated three points. Second place is allocated two points. And third place is allocated one point.
10. In the event of a tie, the tally will be counted again with first place being allocated three and half points. If it isn't resolved then, it will be up to the OP (most likely the previous winner) to decide.
11. Winner gets a round of applause and will have the records stating it as such.

Deadline: Friday, May 14th, 2010 at 11:59pm, Pacific.
Voting will then begin.
You should get your votes in by: Sunday May 16th, 2010 at 11:59pm, Pacific.
Credit to Zephyr for the first poetry thread, here.

Voting is done. Here are the entries:

AnkitT: Point of view
John Dunbar: An Ordinary Chap
hey_monkey: Afterward
Dresden: Old Callisto (5w poem)
Cyan: Goals
MaxSteel:poem #1... making the blind see...
Ashes1396: The heads and tails of it all
kid ness: Coin Flip
AnkitT: I see (5w poem)
Irish: Faint
Zamorro: Time well spent (5w poem, I think)
Flink:"Your Bed"
Bootaaay: "Happy" I muttered, trying to pin the word down.
Dresden: See-Through Lenses
Botolf: The lights are gently twinkling below...
Ashes1396: Blind faith (5w poem)

RESULTS!!!!

Congrats to Hey_Monkey for the poem Afterward. :)

Results were as follows:
1. hey_monkey: Afterward 10
2. Dresden: Old Callisto (5w poem) 9
3. Botolf: The lights are gently twinkling below... 8
4. AnkitT: I see (5w poem) 7
5. Bootaaay: "Happy" I muttered, trying to pin the word down. 3
5. Ashes1396 -Heads and tails of it all 3
5. Ashes1396- Blind faith 3
8. Dresden: See-Through Lenses 2
9. Cyan: Goals 1
9. kid ness: Coin Flip 1
11. Irish: Faint 1

n/a
AnkitT: Point of view
John Dunbar: An Ordinary Chap
MaxSteel:poem #1... making the blind see...
Zamorro: Time well spent (5w poem, I think)
Flink:"Your Bed"

A big thank you to everyone who posted an effort and/or voted.
 
M

Moobabe

Member
Definitely considering this - I've been meaning to jump into the creative writing threads but have yet to find the time. This might be more suited to me at the moment, I'll think over some ideas.
 
A

AnkitT

Member
You see, we all must have the same point of view
skewed perspectives, to some folks it's still all new
do what a few do to defeat fear, drink mountain dew or drink beer
the fear is all I hear and visualize as my therapist said
but that's all I did when I lay on bed and bled
fled from my own thoughts because they disgust me
my own deserted me when I told them to "trust me"
I hate to burst the bubble, but I create the froth
for a stew to brew you got to have some potato and broth
no, i'm not an emo or a goth, but a part of the melting pot
or maybe the pot at the end of the rainbow, I know, a long shot

but I still go on with the fear by my side, the black body with no radiation
local radio station plays shit music, so I keep my ears shut in anticipation
I wear my invisible cape in hope someone notices the signs
but I am not that popular, as I heard through the grapevine
but fine, i'm not blind to the fact, and no I haven't made a suicide pact
I'd love to see you react, but I can't because I know it'd be too much of an impact
again, no offense meant, but there's only so far my disbelief will bend
without any visual frame of reference, I don't know when it will end
So ladies and gents, and the viewers at home, blind to your ploy I have nothing to say
so I never trust my own eyes, always get a second opinion before I speak, if I may
_______________________________________________________________________
Just wrote it. Lots on my mind right now.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
a day or two to go folks...
@ankitt: cheer up mate. Tomorrow is another day. The birds will sing, and the sun will bellow. :). The skies will be blue and the day warm. You could feel the wind graze against your fingers, you will hear the rain fall. A grand time will be had when hope blows the flume. :)

I think I can use this....
 
J

John Dunbar

correct about everything
An Ordinary Chap

Were going to learn a foreign language
Downloaded a program and bought a study book
Bought a tape and made a schedule
Then streamed some porn to fap

Were going to start exercising and eat well
Change my appearance and lifestyle
See myself as someone with style and grace
Now look in the mirror and see a flabby sap

Were going to read the classics and study history
Bought Homer, Shakespeare, Whitman and friends
Bought the histories of Greece, Rome and even Hungary
Then played some video games and took a nap

Were going to learn an instrument
Bought a guitar, new, black and shiny
Got a tuner, a DVD and picks
Now sit on a couch with a pair of bongos on my lap to tap

A lot of money spent to see I'm only an ordinary chap
 
H

hey_monkey

Banned
Deadline... so... quick...

Afterward

you offered to shave
your whiskers
when my skin, my
cheeks, my chin,
rebelled, rising
red and raw.

with your fingers,
slick and so soft
against my mouth
you asked me:
'does it hurt?'

and with my lips
swollen and clumsy
i could not say—
it hurts more
when i am
not kissing you.
 
D

Dresden

Member
5w Poem, will post something else later today for my second (non-5W) entry, just need to write something!


Line 1: Who
Line 2: What
Line 3: Where
Line 4: When
Line 5: Why

---

Old Callisto

Old Callisto,
Hulking in her bear-skin form
Set high in the sky where the chill laps at her furs.
A long time ago, she thinks,
I was once a mother.
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Goals

"You've got to have goals," she says, sitting there in her tight green sweater with the oval collar.
I peer into her dark brown eyes, bright with the light of the bare bulb above.
My gaze flits down to slightly pursed lips--kissable but not, as we sit together and apart, divided by a windowpane of words unsaid.
"I do," I say.
Her eyes understand.
 
M

MaxSteel

Member
Poem #1

Making the blind see
Imagine that I am blind.
Make me see.
This is the goal?
Really?
Is this life now?
Poetry on an internet forum?
Goal - create the beautiful
So the broken can live
For one second
That's a cock-tease
To conjure temporarily
An image for those who see only the invisible
 
A

Ashes

Banned
The heads and tails of it all

Part 1: who is blind?

I will teach my child hatred,
Without her realizing so,

I will teach that we're better than them;
By teaching her that this so.

And I will celebrate her rebellion,
Watch gleefully her mudding their faces,
And tearing their sleeves,
And take refuge in darkness,
And ridicule their diets, cultures and creeds...

Because I know in my heart that I am good,
And they are evil.
And I know they know it not, and are the blind.

She will see them for the stupidity they hold.
The medieval baggage they shoulder,
The tragedies they cause.

Yes, I will teach my hatred,
Without her realizing so.

I will teach her the dance macabre,
By teaching her that this is so.

part 2: and who can see?

Hmm... Cheer up friend.
Tomorrow is another day,
The birds will sing,
And the sun will bellow.
The skies will be blue
And the day warm.

You could feel the wind graze against your fingers,
You will hear the rain fall.
A grand time will be had when hope blows the flume.

So let your lips reach your ears,
And come, stomach this wine,
For tomorrow is another day,
It is summer’s time to reign,
In hearts so pale and mellow.



______________________
I saw Charlie Chaplin's great dictaor speech again the other day. And I was thinking to paste here for people to see. Here's the youtube video anyway:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5IvPIWzQcUY&feature=related
 
K

kid ness

Member
Coin Flip

If there's an argument or a friendly wager
And no solution to be found
Reach your hand into your pocket for a nearby savior
Composed of metal, small, circular, and round

For strategic purposes I pick the likely winner
I bet my house in my favor as well as my pick up truck
All for this unforeseeable coin flip

Rubbed a rabbit's foot, I threw salt over my shoulder
Knocked on wood, and picked a four leaf clover
Got my fingers crossed, I'm going to win
Pushed my chips up, I'm going all in

A flick of the thumb and up in the air
Two pairs of eyes avert their heavy stare
The coin falls down with a catch on the palm
Tails!

You cheated
 
A

AnkitT

Member
Secondary Objective Entry:

Ideas
incarnate from my thoughts
emanating from my brain
whenever I lie on my back
for reasons that my brain lacks

Impulses
the idea of living in the moment
in the heated argument being the proponent
during the war of words against an opponent
the only thing that identifies us as human

Senses
mind defenses that creates and mends the fences
urges amongst the chemical blinding your lenses
every waking our when you visit the thought trenches
because every walking soul has them, since life commences

Oblivious person
obvious aversion to the warnings of the general surgeon
every living moment, until the mind takes an excursion
you will come to know when you meet him in person
because it takes a village for this person to burgeon

A blind man
literal in his vision, but lateral in what he envisions
wherever his stick guides him, and wherever he has a mission
across the time that he can measure by what he listens
because cant see documents that bind with written revisions
 
C

Cyan

Banned
So I guess it's voting time? Are we supposed to have multiple votes, or only one, or what?

Edit: Oh wait, today's Friday. Duh. That would explain why I'm at work.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
I suppose... if a person has two entries, just vote for them once. They already have an advantage as is. I should put this in the op.
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Ashes1396 said:
I suppose... if a person has two entries, just vote for them once. They already have an advantage as is. I should put this in the op.
Click to expand...
I really was just wondering about the number of votes... like should we rank two poems, or three. I see it now says "up to three"--which means we could do less?

Also, votes for a single author's separate poems are aggregated together? So if, say, Dresden gets 10 points for his poem, and Ankit gets 6 points for his first poem and 5 for the other, Ankit wins?

Huh, not really a fan of that system. I'd prefer voting for individual poems and not authors. *shrug*
 
D

Dresden

Member
I thought you voted for a poem, rather than an author? So if poster A has three poems, whichever poem that he earned the highest rank on gets counted as the winner? So if he earned, say, five points for two poems and six points for the last, only the last one would count to determine the winner.
 
I

Irish

Member
Did you know that I dislike you,
for the things that you have said?

They are hurtful and harmful
and make me want to go away.

I try to look past that and continue on,
but they weigh too heavily on my mind.

Why won't you stop?
You know what you're doing is wrong.

The pain and suffering you cause
is equivalent to the most heinous of crimes.

I'll give you one last chance,
but after that I'll surely be gone.

You won't quit though,
because you haven't in the past.

I'll always give you that last chance,
but you'll never move to improve yourself.

You know I'm never going to leave,
as do I.



See, my poetry is as bad as my short stories. :p (which, by the way, I can't seem to start so I decided to try my hand at this.)
 
Z

Zamorro

Member
Time well spent

Spinning tophat monkey drawings
Hide under cover of past childhood blankets
Falling into endless domino falls of broken vows
Just in time to endure pale daylight morning losses
To hide under soil and stone, as worms to be found
 
F

Flink

Member
"Your Bed"

I pooped in your bed
You didn't notice at the time but
I guarantee, as sure as shit,
You'll see it...
Soon
 
A

Ashes

Banned
@botolf: yes.
edit: I was simply relaying voting system update.
Sometimes people just vote for authors not poems though. hmm... let's have a think... I think dresden's idea makes some sense...
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
- "Happy" I muttered, trying to pin the word down.

Night-time in San Juan
She twirls with the music
Her skin, dark as rum
In the evening light
He sips from his glass
Reflecting on the scene

A bright, garish glow
The people of Puerto Rico
Laughing and dancing
Through the streets below
Raucous in their celebrations
Forgetting their malaise, but for a night.
 
D

Dresden

Member
See-Through Lenses



Keep going till you hit right, then left,
then turn southwise till you hit eastward
on the Heyward-block. Then, step forward,

take a step back, turn left then right,
then a 360-twirl till you face the way you faced
when you first came to. The next step,

it's important, take a deep breath

before you take it. Why, you ask.
Well, things are separated by steps and bounds,
lines and points of demarcation, state-lines
and river-lines, blue-lines and red lines,
and--are you listening? Then he faces me,
and he smiles, and he points at the sight before us.

Oh, I say. We're here already, aren't we?
 
S

Sibylus

Banned
The lights are gently twinkling below,
Amidst the sweltered sea of glass.
The cars are rushing to and fro,
Draping dust as they pass.
The city rustles in the trees,
Mixing with the chorus of the flighted.
A hint of sleep wafts on the breeze,
Though it settles not, for I am blighted.

This city was home from the womb,
The lights gently twinkled all around.
A life sprouted from a sister’s tomb,
The grave grumbled with novel sound.
You gained where you had lost the first,
From the doors of grief, joy surging burst.
I lament now that this joy be cooled,
But by the chill of truth am I not ruled?

A liar’s tongue comforts for a time,
But counsel comforts for an age.
Why shy away from my spirit’s rhyme,
When naught but music will engage?
To you the song is rightly new and strange,
The verses speak to foreign people.
But listen still, silence do not arrange,
For not all music rings from a steeple.

I grew tall and hid away from my impulsion,
Spoke not once about it, after my fashion.
Masked it all in insincere revulsion,
And buried over what sparked my passion.
How may I show you if your eyes are closed,
See the lights gently twinkling through mine?
Their heat is not the colour you once supposed,
See though they are strange, pure is their shine?

I am what I am after all I’ve said,
And I remain as I am after all they say.
Your child is not lost, nor is he dead,
He is his and yours this day.
Remember that wherever he is led,
He will be yours to death’s dismay.
With his heart all this was said,
From the annals of his troubled head.

My spirit is foreign, I understand,
But denial is an undue demand.
To live I must live full and feel,
Life isn’t life when lived from the heel.
It grieves me to bring grief to you,
But the man I am isn’t the boy you knew.
The identity you gave me, I outgrew,
And the trappings I bore were all untrue.
That little boy felt it too,
But he feared to speak
And make it true.
 
S

Sibylus

Banned
The Lights

Commentary:
As one might gather, the persons addressed in this poem are my mother and father. It highlights the things I’ve been thinking about lately, in this time before I’ve actually gone through the biggest talk I may ever hold with them. And while that talk is probably years down the road, it is still very much on my mind and very much close to my heart. I admit, I got a wee bit emotional in the process of composing this poem, there’s a lot of uncertainty and doubt wrapped around what this will mean to our relationship.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
5w's

Blind faith

He was James,
She was Jessica
He closed his eyes and said: I see nothing therefore nothing exists.
She stood wondering, momentarily, as waves rocked the rickety shores,
As he stood on the edge of the abyss,
her hand on the barriers of old Tower Bridge,
Just before life’s last breath past him,
As the day dwindled by her,
It was his life time’s work, that question.
Contemplated, she did, the gravity of the matter.

.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
AnkitT: Point of view
John Dunbar: An Ordinary Chap
hey_monkey: Afterward
Dresden: Old Callisto (5w poem)
Cyan: Goals
MaxSteel:poem #1... making the blind see...
Ashes1396: The heads and tails of it all
kid ness: Coin Flip
AnkitT: I see (5w poem)
Irish: Faint
Zamorro: Time well spent (5w poem, I think)
Flink:"Your Bed"
Bootaaay: "Happy" I muttered, trying to pin the word down.
Dresden: See-Through Lenses
Botolf: The lights are gently twinkling below...
Ashes1396: Blind faith (5w poem)

Good luck if you entered... :)
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Hard luck. Read and enjoy the poetry; ;) Voting ends Sunday midnight, PST. The next thread will be up soon after. :)
 
H

hey_monkey

Banned
Gonna try to get all commentary in, but I have limited time this weekend and am using my SO’s crappy-ass Windoze lappy, so I dunno if I’ll get the chance to hit them all. Even the keyboard sucks on this thing. MAC POWER

Anyway…

AnkitT: I like your wordplay here a lot. You never seem to let it, or the rhymes, really control the way the poem is structured, or the word choice. That’s difficult to do, in whatever kind of poetry! I’d love to see people subbing YT videos or something with spoken word/slam/and/or rap style poetry, which I’m guessing this is from the way it flows. I do think those styles suffer a little on the page, but this one far less than most.

John Dunbar: The thing here that really sticks in my craw is the lines that begin with “were.” Shouldn’t that be “was?” is this some crazy English I don’t know? But I think a lovely lighthearted take on what is a pretty serious idea underneath.

hey_monkey (wait, that’s me!): SILLY GIRL, THIS IS LIGHT ON THEME! I try to write poems like stories, because it’s the only way I can seem to get into poetry, and I wanted to portray what I felt like was an “obvious” conversation. Like someone saying, “dumbass, obviously everything is just alllll right.”

Dresden (Old Callisto): Wow. Structurally, I’m not in love with this (that one long line seems, well, long), but as for poetic effect, you had me here. Lovely 5w poem.

Cyan: Hmm. I both love and don’t-love this. I love what you’re doing here, particularly with the last line. I love the “windowpane of words unsaid,” too. But I think this needs some structure, either as a one para prose poem, or with more line breaks. I’d also like to see a more “poetic” approach to the description, which here is really pretty plain. Good description for prose. Feels a little pedestrian for poetry for me.

MaxSteel: Hmm. I really like “create the beautiful / so the broken can live / for one second.” I mean, I love-love it. But the rest feels kinda throwaway to me. Or maybe it’s just the beginning. As I keep re-reading, the end really resonates with me. I don’t know. I’m really torn on this piece. I may clarify my thoughts later.

Ashes1396: Man, gotta say, “realizing so” feels hell of clunky to me. And kudos on your subject, approach, and message (and I love poems in parts, really), but this feels very “writerly” to me, by which I mean overly formal to the point that the words feel forced. I think some more aggressive word choices and a little more metaphor could improve this a lot. I find the second part much more resonant than the first for this reason.

Kid ness: Not really feeling the theme here, me. Second stanza seems clunky. Really like the first and third, though.

AnkitT (I see): LOVE the structure, with the way the first line builds words.

Irish; Great for the theme, but as above, seems “writerly” to me. So many poems I see feel much more essayish, and that’s how I feel about this one.

Zamorro: I like your word/phrase choices here, but in the end, I gotta say: I don’t really get it.

Flink: I LOLed for real and read it to the boy-person.

Bootaaay: Damn good job on theme. I definitely “see” this. But the last line kinda sticks out, and the first… I’m not really sure if it’s a title or a first line. But everything in the middle? Love.

Dresden: Hmm. Not feeling the title. Really like the piece, except for a few little things. I guess it’s line break issues; I think this would be easier to follow with slightly different breaks. But that’s just me (uh, as is all of this! And I freely admit knowing very little about poetry!)

Botolf: This is on me, but I just don’t really like strict form, rhymy poetry. Even when read the masters of this business, it feels very forced to me. Emotionally this packs quite a punch, but I really feel that some of the feeling is a little lost in the form. I admire your effort a lot. You clearly put a lot into this. God, that sounds shitty! I LOVE YOU, BOTOLF, YOU THE MAN (please don’t shoot me with arse bullets)

Ashes1396 (5w): I was with you here until the last line, and now all I can see is Yoda! XD

Will vote in a bit after a few more re-reads. Tough choices. I want to vote for many.
 
J

John Dunbar

correct about everything
hey_monkey said:
John Dunbar: The thing here that really sticks in my craw is the lines that begin with “were.” Shouldn’t that be “was?” is this some crazy English I don’t know? But I think a lovely lighthearted take on what is a pretty serious idea underneath.
.
Click to expand...

English is my second language, so I'm sure someone knows better, but I have always been under the impression that both "I was" and "I were" are correct. If not, I'd love to be corrected.
 
H

hey_monkey

Banned
Man, I wish I spoke/read/wrote in another language as well as all you genius-ass ESL gaffers. I would have never known if you hadn't told me.

As for the issue of was/were... here is how I understand it. Maybe someone smarter (and with links) will come along and make it better. Was/were CAN both be correct in places. However, in the singular (I, you, he/she/etc), you use "was" to talk about something that definitely did happen, as in this case: the voice of your poem set out to learn a foreign language. However, if you're talking about a hypothetical situation, you'd use "were," as in, "If I were to try to learn a foreign language...."

But the bottom line, for me, comes from my good pals Strunk and White, who said that in the end, you should just go with what sounds better! IMO, in this case, "was" wins both the formalist and casualist preferences.
 
J

John Dunbar

correct about everything
Thanks for the correction. I actually chose "Were going to" because I thought it sounded better than "Was going to". :lol
 
H

hey_monkey

Banned
votes:

1. AnkitT, "I see"
2. Dresden, "Old Callisto"
3. Bootaaay

HMs: John Dunbar, Botolf, Cyan (even though I harshed on y'all)
 
A

AnkitT

Member
1- Ashes1396 - The heads and tails of it all.
2- Dresden - See-Through lenses
3- Botolf - The lights

HM: Cyan, kid ness, John Dunbar
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Thanks for the comments, monkey. Description is one of my weaker areas in prose, so I'm hoping doing these poetry threads will help force me to strengthen it.
 
S

Sibylus

Banned
1. hey_monkey - Afterward
2. Dresden - Old Callisto
3. Cyan - Goals

HM: AnkitT - Point of View, Ashes1396 - The heads and tails of it all, Bootaaay - "Happy" I muttered, trying to pin the word down.

hey_monkey said:
Botolf: This is on me, but I just don’t really like strict form, rhymy poetry. Even when read the masters of this business, it feels very forced to me. Emotionally this packs quite a punch, but I really feel that some of the feeling is a little lost in the form. I admire your effort a lot. You clearly put a lot into this. God, that sounds shitty! I LOVE YOU, BOTOLF, YOU THE MAN (please don’t shoot me with arse bullets)
Click to expand...
:lol Thanks for your crit, madam! For my own part I'm not always in a "rhymey mood" when I write poetry, but I do like the emphasis and rhythm that sort of thing can have. More often than not I'll go with other forms of structure when I write.

Now that pleasantries are dispensed with, FIRING ASSCANNON D:< D:<
 
C

Cyan

Banned
1. Dresden: Old Callisto
2. hey_monkey: Afterward
3. Irish: Faint
HM: Zamorro, Bootaaay, Dresden dos

I would love to comment on people's poems, but damn I have a hard time with this stuff. Maybe after a few challenges I'll gain some perspective and be able to be helpful.
 
D

Dresden

Member
Dresden (Old Callisto): Wow. Structurally, I’m not in love with this (that one long line seems, well, long), but as for poetic effect, you had me here. Lovely 5w poem.
Click to expand...

Ah. I have no idea what I'm doing, I just made the third line long because I liked how it look, it being triangular and all. :lol Thanks for the comment. :D
 
A

Ashes

Banned
AnkitT: Point of view
Good off the cuff effort, though it was obvious that it could do with few more pass overs to get a more fluent rhythm

AnkitT: I see (5w poem)
Very clever. An advanced version of the 5w format. A few lines let the piece down, i.e. verse 5, but that is met with equal highs. Thought trenches was some good imagery. Overall, it may have lacked cohesiveness between the stanzas yet impressed me on other levels. The mastery is yet to come but the imagination and the fact that you wrote it in less then a week says good things.

John Dunbar: An Ordinary Chap
The idea executed here linked into what I envisioned for the theme, and for that I liked it. The poem had narrative and direction as well. Words could have better chosen, though I guess you have your own reasons for this.

hey_monkey: Afterward
That made me recall what I little I learnt of poetry. A classic sort of meter and composition. It was good in that regard.

Dresden: Old Callisto (5w poem)
It seemed at first glance to be the Callisto I was thinking of, and googling proved it was. And I learnt more about her at the same time. Funny you could say you brought more light onto the situation, made a semi-blind person see. I can't say if that part was intentional but well done. ;)

Dresden: See-Through Lenses
Oh I've had that one done to me once or twice. And I've done it a couple of times myself. I liked it.

Cyan: Goals
Lots of vivid imagery, though not sure I got whether the goal of the poem was to write a good one or to get me see something about goals.

MaxSteel:poem #1... making the blind see...
Hmm. Sometimes the most obvious explanation is the true one. Is this a trap?
~I may not agree with the tone, inclination, the derogatoriness of the subject material but of what is there, I have to say that I liked the contrast between images.

kid ness: Coin Flip
I like your poems. They have a good sense of humour in them and in this one I think saw that certainty is the mother of fools, to quote somebody else. :). okay maybe gamblers ruin as well.

Irish: Faint
It wasn't a bad effort at all. I think it wasn't clear what the crime in question was. And it lacked imagery. Which going by how you write your stories is surprising. They usually have lots of verbiage and imagery which should help your poetry along.

Zamorro: Time well spent (5w poem, I think)
At first glance it seemed impressive, but as I kept going over and over it, I could make no progress into deducing what was what. A little help pls.

Flink:"Your Bed"
:). I realised by the end that you could have written it as part of the second objective.

Bootaaay: "Happy" I muttered, trying to pin the word down.

Some nice iambic pentimetres. Loved the dark rum referral. Nice. ;)

Botolf: The lights are gently twinkling below...
You rhymed well, your narrative was fine. Just the rhymes themselves didn't seem to have any one pattern or patterns that were split up in stanzas. Sometimes opposites lines, sometimes verse after verse, both of which are fine; but there are other times where it will happen three lines in a row or your not sure which line at first glance the word was rhyming with. Easily fixed I'd say.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
My votes:

1. AnkitT: I see (5w poem)
2. Bootaaay: "Happy"
3. hey_monkey: Afterward

Hmm. It was so very close this one. Dresden, John and a few others could have made the top three in my opinion.

Alright, I'm going to bed. About seven hours left to vote. Good luck.
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
I'll try and edit in some critiques tommorow, but for now i'll place my votes and go to bed;

1. Ashes1396 - Blind Faith
2. hey_monkey - Afterward
3. Botolf - The Lights

HM; AnkitT (Point of view), Dresden (Old Callisto), John Dunbar (An ordinary chap), kid ness (Coin Flip)

hey_monkey said:
Bootaaay: Damn good job on theme. I definitely “see” this. But the last line kinda sticks out, and the first… I’m not really sure if it’s a title or a first line. But everything in the middle? Love.
Click to expand...

Definetly a title - I wrote it as part of a sequence of 3 poems about Hunter S. Thompson and felt lke I needed titles to break them up.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Similar threads

NeoGAF's Official™ Fighting game character ranking: Ultimate turbo HD remix arcade edition
Opinion Drama Cringe
2
654
Hoppa replied
Barbie | Review Thread
News Rumor 6 7 8 9 10
465
33K
Woggleman replied
  • Locked
NeoGAF GOTY 2021 |OT| Voting thread (Up: Closed)
|OT| 2
86
10K
PharaoTutAnchAmun replied
The PlayStation Plus Game Catalog for August includes: Sea of Stars, Destiny 2: The Witch Queen, Moving Out 2, Lost Judgment etc
Platform 2
61
4K
SenkiDala replied
Dead Island 2 | Review Thread
Analysis Review 6 7 8 9 10
466
34K
Bartski replied
Top Bottom