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The Official NeoGAF General Poetry Thread #6: The Surreal & Fantastical

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Not open for further replies.
B

British Monsoon

Member
The Official NeoGAF General Poetry Thread #6

Theme: The surreal and fantastical

Whether it be through characters or setting, the composition or structure, inject a sense of the surreal and fantastical in to your submission.

Optional Secondary Objective: Haikus

Haikus - Japanese poems consisting of 3 lines, 17 syllables, with 5 syllables to the first & last lines and 7 syllables to the middle line. Here's an example;

secondary themes
are fairly hard to conjure
so lets do haikus

:D

Poetry thread Rules version 1.1:

1. This thread is not merely for winning or losing, but for critiquing and improving your own craft.
2. This poetry thread 'contest' will end on a Friday, and voting will last until Sunday at midnight. You cannot win unless you vote. Although you don't have to submit a piece to vote.
3. The winner must then provide the next challenge theme for the following normal two week period.
4. There are no word count limits, make it as long or as short as you want.
5. Optional secondary objectives are not mandatory, you can include them or not.
6. Further addition to rule six. You can also try the secondary objective as a secondary piece. Just make sure you label it as such. (This may work as an added incentive to try the secondary objective, as people might vote for either of your pieces).
7. Vote for your favourite poems.
8. Voters should award first, second and third places to their favourite three poems. First place is allocated three points. Second place is allocated two points. And third place is allocated one point. Don't vote for the same author twice.
9. In the event of a tie, the tally will be counted again with first place being allocated three and half points. If it isn't resolved then, it will be up to the OP (most likely the previous winner) to decide.
10. Winner gets a round of applause and will have the records stating it as such.

Deadline: Friday, July 9th, 2010 at 11:59pm, Pacific.
Voting will then begin.
You should get your votes in by: Sunday, July 11th, 2010 at 11:59pm, Pacific.

Good luck everyone.
___________________________________

Previous threads;

Poetry Thread #1; Reflection
Poetry Thread #2; Making the Blind See & 5W poems
Poetry Thread #3; Interior & Incorporate a song or album title
Poetry Thread #4; History & Dream Song poems
Poetry Thread #5; A View From Afar or Within & Clerihew poems

Poetry Thread #6 Final Entries

hey_monkey - Untitled
Irish - B Covers Bread As Well
umop_3pisdn - Cellular Matrix
Dresden - Galactic Trooper
Cyan - Untitled
goldlion054 - The Abandoned Neighborhood
AnkitT - Be Pee
ZephyrFate - Niche in the Canyon
Bootaaay - Nimbus Watching
Bootaaay - Crocodile Tears
kid ness - Somewhere a World
Ashes1396 - Golden Phoenix
Ashes1398 - River Thames
Alarif - Untitled

Results

1. kid ness - Somewhere a World - 14pts - (3)
2. Bootaaay - Nimbus Watching - 9pts -
3. ZephyrFate - Niche in the Canyon - 8pts - (1)

4. Dresden - Galactic Trooper - 6pts - (1)
5. umop_3pisdn - Cellular Matrix -5pts - (1)
6. AnkitT - Be Pee - 4pts - (1)
7. Irish - B Covers Bread As Well - 3pts - (1)
8. Bootaaay - Crocodile Tears -2pts -
9.Ashes1396 - Golden Phoenix
9. Ashes1398 - River Thames
9. Alarif - Untitled
12. hey_monkey - Untitled
12. Cyan - Untitled
12. goldlion054 - The Abandoned Neighborhood

(0):1st place points
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Congratz man. Ooh, haven't done haikus in a long while. This should be a good place to relearn different poetry types/forms.
 
A

AnkitT

Member
Someone get bjork in here! :D

Anyways, I probably wont be entering this week. Have some things to take care of.
 
A

Alfarif

This picture? uhh I can explain really!
Congrats Boo... and if you get banned again, well, :lol.

Also, I suck at haikus. No way in hell I'm getting even 1 vote this time around. Go me!
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Yeah we've heard that excuse before. I'm calling it now: alfarif to win this thread
or one in the future, just to cover my ass, :)
.
 
H

hey_monkey

Banned
Alas, I too suck
at creating haiku, but
hey! Why not try it?**

>.>

Aren't they supposed to be sort of pastoral or something in the more traditional form? I should look this stuff up.

**not an official entry or anything; just screwing around.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
I think for this round, we should probably have an 'official entry tag' or something. We had like 20 entries. Which was nice but really a chore to vote for and count the votes for. :lol
 
H

hey_monkey

Banned
But this is an official entry, what the hell. Untitled.

digital spunk flies
through the electronic air
splash! it's gone viral.
 
A

Alfarif

This picture? uhh I can explain really!
Ashes1396 said:
Yeah we've heard that excuse before. I'm calling it now: alfarif to win this thread
or one in the future, just to cover my ass, :)
.
Click to expand...

:lol I will have to buy and ship you your choice of liquor if this happens
but only for this round!
 
A

Ashes

Banned
It's hard to write the simplest of poems. I'm finding it hard to reduce a poem to its most simplest form, that is.
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Ashes1396 said:
It's hard to write the simplest of poems. I'm finding it hard to reduce a poem to its most simplest form, that is.
Click to expand...

Same here, I don't have much trouble constructing haikus, but I don't much like the results either. It's really tough trying to condense some meaning into such a short space. Here's a few of the dozen or so i've hashed out so far;

*note, i'm not submitting any of these yet

A man seeks answers
to questions yet unknown
And finds only time

She cried and bawled
crocodile tears, I laughed
so she cried some more

Bread and cheese and ham
simple sandwich perfection
satiate my hunger

Northerly wind blows
shaking the trees to and fro
leaves fall before time

Gun metal grey tones
invade the skyline of sight
before his eyes. BANG!

Sweat intermingles
a crush of humanity
enraptured in rhythm

Not sure which one, if any, i'll submit. Second and third are my favourites at the moment.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
I generally like haikus. I may submit a double haiku as my main entry and a more traditional one for the secondary objective.

A double dose of haiku is a book review of sorts...

Further down in the review:

"Higginson sadly passed away before this book appeared, but it still stands as a worthy tribute to his dedication to the haiku form, and his efforts to promote a deeper understanding of it. After a brief review of its current popularity, he traces its emergence from an "aesthetics of austerity" to a modern and experimental form, imitated widely overseas, and not only in the English-speaking world. There is much useful advice in this volume, such as this, from the 17th-century poet Basho, who essentially created the poem as we now know it: "In writing do not let a hair's breadth separate your self from the subject. Speak your mind directly; go to it without wandering thoughts."

"Haiku practice in Japan remains predominantly conservative in manner, but by no means entirely so. One of the most satisfying things about this book is its close reading of individual poems, in Japanese and English, as well as other languages. Higginson's comments are always apt, illuminating and persuasive, and he develops his points fully. Even before he begins to analyze details of technique, the reader has already been led to some understanding by example. Higginson and Harter both provide accounts of classroom experience, and lesson plans for the prospective teacher. They also look at other kinds of writing.

Surrounding the haiku tradition are a number of forms with which it has either interacted or emerged from. These include renga, or linked verse, haibun, or prose with haiku, and haiga, or haiku with illustration. All the haiku masters have partaken of these forms, and good accounts of them are given here. Because of these multifarious connections, the book concludes, "haiku offers one of the best places to begin studying Japanese literature." "

Coincidentally, this (the bolded part), was what I trying to do in the last thread. It proved to be very difficult. For me at least. With haikus though, it does come more naturally.
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Dilbert said:
Ummm...surrealism and haiku are on completely opposite ends of the spectrum.
Click to expand...

Well haikus are only the optional secondary objective and should probably be considered separate from the main theme (like in the last poetry thread where we had people submitting clerihew poems for the secondary objective as well as separate regular poems on the main theme).
 
D

Dilbert

Member
Bootaaay said:
Well haikus are only the optional secondary objective and should probably be considered separate from the main theme (like in the last poetry thread where we had people submitting clerihew poems for the secondary objective as well as separate regular poems on the main theme).
Click to expand...
I thought the secondary objective was to try to apply a given style to the given topic. If so, I'm just pointing out that the haiku form is a very poor choice for a poem that is supposed to be surrealist.
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Dilbert said:
I thought the secondary objective was to try to apply a given style to the given topic.
Click to expand...

It can be and has been in past challenges, but in cases like this the secondary objective isn't a very good fit for the main theme, so if anyone does decide to try their hand at haikus they should probaby submit them as separate pieces.
 
H

hey_monkey

Banned
Dilbert said:
I thought the secondary objective was to try to apply a given style to the given topic. If so, I'm just pointing out that the haiku form is a very poor choice for a poem that is supposed to be surrealist.
Click to expand...

You know, I'm not usually one to go for the avatar quote, but....

15ml83r.jpg


srsly.
 
U

umop_3pisdn

Member
Okay, I'm really not sure what I'm going for, here. I'm not really sure if this counts as surrealism, either...

cellular matrix

Red and blue fringed membranes
bleeding arteries of mandelbrot
bruise until it festers pattern, an ionic-iris
shredding my sphere like glittering ice

melt the snow between my ears
dissolve boundaries into singing ache
interstitial liquid, observing lunatic-cycle
viral coats like prisms, bend the fleshy light
make it wombs of oil
 
D

Dresden

Member
i rode my unicorn, shit was swell
it was fantastical, so surreal.

///

candyland blaze colour armory blank
cadence tripping rhythm-rhymes
esophagus and appendix cut out in lime
left to rot in acid-puddle yellow clouds

///

piddle-paddle boat-long sold
folded in half then half lest it mold.

boats ablaze

aflame in inferno

rainbows out my nostrils like fire

///

i rode my unicorn, shit was so swell
shot lasers out my eyes like candycane tires
licorice high the fantastic bizarre
galactic troopers, fuck yeah!
 
G

goldlion054

Member
The Abandoned Neighborhood

a poem by Goldlion054


The Dragon ate him
Family, house, ate it all
Alone but again


i love these secondary themes
 
A

AnkitT

Member
Whose clique is gonna live on the magical oil slick?
Sick to the pelican brief, good grief swab it off with the dick
Quick lob in a PR bomb from surrey to the surreyal british petroleum
Rub Vaseline to smooth it out and literally burn the wet dreams by the drum
 
Z

ZephyrFate

Banned
Niche in the Canyon

Twisted, wavy seascapes
Painted, sculpted out of rock
I'm at the ocean
even though it's so far away.

In tranquility I find
One single parcel of light
Found its way through this fortress of solitude
Made shelter.

Flakes of rock fall off and –
The sand basin fills, like a perpetual hourglass
But the light never changes.
It still occupies the same space, it never moves.
As if the world spun around it

I made a home and yet I'm
“Is this where you've been hiding?”
180 spin and radiant eyes
Inquisitive and penetrating

“They can't find me here.”

Who? The voice asks:
The eyes are gone and the body vanished
So there's no point for quotation marks.

“People.”

But you are a person.

“I'm the light in this cave. And I'm the sand. And I'm the ocean on these rocks.”

Do you breathe?

“Only here.”

Only here.
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Nimbus Watching

A great white dragon flies over my house
insubstantial and unreal, yet real all the same
Planes fly by and the dragon thrashes it's tail
Roaring it's displeasure as they pass past unharmed
Leaving arcing trails that malform the dragons body
Further on a jolly little ship gently saunters
Dipping and rising on ice-cream cool waves
And there, a great starfish bathes in the sun
Flexing it's arms in a lazy, languorous manner
While up above a jellyfish undulates on by
Party-popper tendrils tickling the rooftops
Spooking gulls from their antenna-top perches
But now the curtain slowly begins to descend
A swath of ivory white cloth, tainted black
Stark and ominous against the azure blue backdrop
Shows over folks, weatherman says it's gonna rain.

Crocodile Tears (secondary)

She cried and bawled
crocodile tears, I laughed
so she cried some more
 
A

Ashes

Banned
nm. I'll post in a bit. I guess this is as good a bump as any. Only about seven and bit hours left it till deadline people.
 
K

kid ness

Member
Somewhere a World
There's a world out there
Where stars shine more than TV screens
Where life is in the present
And not in our dreams

Stars brighten dark days with their literal light
Synced with high fives of allies
Who just want to
collectively
live a bright life

Is there a number I can dial
Or a book I can read
Somewhere I can scribble
About this world that we need?
 
A

Ashes

Banned

Golden Phoenix

The recognition
that one is a failure hits
the heart very hard.

And yet whence sorrow
runs its course, from ashes thence grows
A golden phoenix.



___________________________________________________________________

Secondary theme
___________________________________________________________________


River Thames

River Thames at night.
Glass sheet. Wind whooshing through trees.
Silence. Waves crashing.


___________________________________________________________________

Commentary
___________________________________________________________________
I suppose I was feeling sombre earlier this week. Watching Schindlers List can do that to you I guess. I hesistated to use anything from that though... It'll be in a future writing thread... possibly.
Anyways most of this was written, tossed away, edited, whatever, sitting with friends, family around the River Thames, near Tower Bridge, along St Kathrines dock if you've been.
The haiku was a walk back home late at night.
In both of these poems I started of with this image of a golden phoenix diving/splashing through the cold waters of the River Thames at night. Couldn't make it work or say something but it's a lovely image, I think. Feel free to use it...

ps. Yes, Ashes, my username is -amongst other things- somewhat related to golden phoenixes, so I was always going to write about them when the topic was selected but the poem is really not biographical, because it can apply to a lot of people, I think...
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Ok, here's all the entries for this week - thanks to everyone who submitted a piece or two :)

hey_monkey - Untitled
Irish - B Covers Bread As Well
umop_3pisdn - Cellular Matrix
Dresden - Galactic Trooper
Cyan - Untitled
goldlion054 - The Abandoned Neighborhood
AnkitT - Be Pee
ZephyrFate - Niche in the Canyon
Bootaaay - Nimbus Watching
Bootaaay - Crocodile Tears
kid ness - Somewhere a World
Ashes1396 - Golden Phoenix
Ashes1398 - River Thames
Alarif - Untitled

Voting reminder:
* Vote for your favourite poems.
* Voters should award first, second and third places to their favourite three poems. First place is allocated three points. Second place is allocated two points. And third place is allocated one point.
*Don't vote for the same author twice.
*You must vote to win.
*You don't have to enter a poem to vote.
You should get your votes in by: Sunday, July 11th, 2010 at 11:59pm, Pacific.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Critiques

hey_monkey - google buzz? or a youtube hit? That's the closest I got to what digital spunk means without getting dirty. Seems a bit too suggestive if it isn't sexual to be honest.

Irish - Trouble making a sandwich or a metaphor for something more I couldn't quite tell, but I like the simplicity of it, even if I didn't think the last line meshed with the first two.

umop_3pisdn - surreal so far as I didn't know what size you were referring to. I guessed anywhere from a single cell to the entire universe and the making of Earth in between. Though I'd hazard an attempt that it was at a cellular level, :). There was a lot of creating and birth vibes going on.

Dresden - It was quite a trip. Have no idea how it related back to galactic troopers. :lol

Cyan - Wry, to the point and vivid. I liked it, even if the last line needs a bit of work.

goldlion054 - Another one I liked. I'd suggest replacing 'but' with 'yet'.

AnkitT -The third line needs work, not really sure how I'd do it though. That line feels as if it was thrown together.

ZephyrFate - Most surreal poem so far. Some really nice images, especially: one single parcel of light.

Bootaaay - I loved what I was seeing and the "'ice cream' cool waves" was a nice touch. An abrupt end though it does grow on you.

Bootaaay - Tell it straight why don't you? it was okay I thought. Not necessarily cliche or anything but just okay.

kid ness - I thought this was wonderful even if the last stanza made little sense to me. Why ask that question? I was asking my self.

Alarif - smh for bit after the immediate reaction of: lol. On reflection I realized how this was a comment on procrastination, intentional or other wise. Nicely done.

Votes

1. kid ness - Somewhere a World
2. Bootaaay - Nimbus Watching
3. Alarif - untitled

There were quite a few decent poems this week.

ps. Nimbus: I thought was cloud watching. But now I'm thinking... of course... Nimbus 2000. Huh!
 
I

Irish

Member
Ashes1396 said:
Irish - Trouble making a sandwich or a metaphor for something more I couldn't quite tell, but I like the simplicity of it, even if I didn't think the last line meshed with the first two.
Click to expand...

You see, no matter how many times I order a B.L.T. from a place and ask for no mayonnaise, I still end up getting a sandwich covered with the stuff. Now, if I don't say anything at all, I still get more mayo on my sandwich then everything else combined. If mayonnaise was supposed to come on the damn sandwich, I'm pretty sure an M would be listed somewhere in the sandwich name. Bacon and any condiment whatsoever absolutely do not go together.
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
hey_monkey - I like this one, it reads like the life of a celebrity sex tape uploaded to the internet.

Irish - nice haiku, although I feel like the question should be at the start, also before reading your explanation I thought you were bemoaning the lack of mayo, not the other way round :D

umop_3pisdn - this one has some nice imagery, I especially liked the phrase 'bruise until it festers pattern'.

Dresden - it was certainly surreal, but I didn't quite know what to make of it.

Cyan - clever and topical ;)

goldlion054 - nice work, but there's something off about the last line imo.

AnkitT - also clever and topical, I really like the last line.

ZephyrFate - I like this, very surreal with some great imagery. The shift in focus was somewhat abrubt, but it works well.

kid ness - this one just seems to flow effortlessly, really enjoyed it.

Ashes1396 - Golden Phoenix - nice attempt at a double haiku (although, the middle line of the second half has a syllable too many), but I didn't really like the use of 'whence' & 'thence'.

Ashes1396 - River Thames - out of all the haikus submitted, this is the one that reads most like what i'd expect a haiku to sound like.

Alarif - heh, that's something i'm sure most can certainly relate to.

Votes

1. kid ness - Somewhere a World
2. ZephyrFate - Niche in the Canyon
3. Ashes1396 - River Thames

Ashes1396 said:
ps. Nimbus: I thought was cloud watching. But now I'm thinking... of course... Nimbus 2000. Huh!
Click to expand...

Ah, while I would like to lay claim to that as an intentional connection, I can't because the title was simply borne out of a desire to call it something less boring than 'cloud watching' :p
 
K

kid ness

Member
hey_monkey - Untitled : "Digital Spunk" is a really great combination of words. and I love the "splash!" you used at the end.

Irish - B Covers Bread As Well - Very witty! I can relate man, mayo is disgusting. :lol

umop_3pisdn - Cellular Matrix - I really like your sense of description. You painted those images really well.

Dresden - Galactic Trooper - Awesome. It was really trippy, and really fit the theme well. I liked it a lot.

Cyan - Untitled - Sorry man, I didn't really get it.

goldlion054 - The Abandoned Neighborhood - A sweet, to the point haiku. Really like the story you could tell in three lines.

AnkitT - Be Pee - I really enjoyed this one. Dealing with politics creatively is something I struggle with, so it's inspiring to see someone do it so well. Thumbs up.

ZephyrFate - Niche in the Canyon - Another one I really enjoyed. This was so vivid and imaginative.

Bootaaay - Nimbus Watching - Very, very good. You're such a good writer. You're one of the few that didn't rhyme in a non-haiku, but it flowed really, really well.

Bootaaay - Crocodile Tears - I really like this. I don't know how to critique it, because there's no way to make it better. Keep it up!

Ashes1396 - Golden Phoenix - Nice images. Really made me think after I read it. Thanks!
Ashes1398 - River Thames - Nice haiku! Made me feel like I was in a forest.

Alarif - Untitled - Haha, it's hard to keep up with these submission deadlines. Don't worry bud, next time.

Votes:
1- ZephyrFate - "Niche in the Canyon"
2- Bootaaay - "Nimbus Watching"
3- AnkitT - "Be Pee"

You know, it was really hard to critique everybody's poem this week; everything was so good! This might be the best lot of poems yet. Really good stuff, folks. Great idea for a theme Bootaaay!

EDIT: We all came here for videogames, but we stay for something else. :D
 
G

goldlion054

Member
Bootaaay said:
goldlion054 - nice work, but there's something off about the last line imo.
Click to expand...

The last line killed me. I worked on it in class for around an hour and said "fuck it" hahaha.

My votes:



1. kid ness - Somewhere a World- really good, i liked the imagery i was getting from it.
2. Boootaaay- Crocodile Tears- simple, effective, and easily relatable. Good stuff
3. Dresden- Galactic Trooper- thought it really embodied the theme, as weird and out there it was
 
J

JCX

Member
Missed the deadline. Oh well, I'll post mine anyway.

The Hunt(er/ed)

Dim lights beat down on me like desert sun
Unrelenting, its light adds a yellow tint to the room,
Ensuring that nothing escapes its unflinching gaze.

A test of endurance
Not for the lights
But for my thoughts
Thoughts running out by the second
Brain racking through memories, ideas, plans
In a vain attempt to seek stimulus from the inside
Crumpled paper
A tissue blows across the floor
Pushed by the man-made winds
The closest sign of life under these fluorescent lights.

5
4
3
2
1

Crumpled paper’s head start was not utilized well
Descending from my chair,
Slowly slithering towards my prey
It rolls away with the rhythm of the vents’ dead breezes.

Pounce
Conquering this desolate land in which I am the last living being
Life at the top no longer exists
The last remaining hunter and the last remaining prey
One in the same.
My brain attacks
Searching again desperately for sensation.
Something, to suddenly appear
To widen eyes and focus thoughts
And remove the roadblock of time.

Time
The one thing changing in this wasteland
And the only thing I cannot observe.
 
J

JCX

Member
My votes:

1. umop_3pisdn - Cellular Matrix
2. kid ness - Somewhere a World
3. Bootaaay - Nimbus Watching

Great theme!
 
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