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The NeoGAF Poetry Corner - Challenge #20: Death in the Family.

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D

Dresden

Member
The NeoGAF Poetry Corner - Challenge #20: Death in the Family.



Theme: Death in the family.

A family member dies. Whether they were loved or hated, write a poem for them.

Secondary Objective: Limericks

A happy poem about a sad subject. Or a happy poem for a joyous occasion.

Poetry thread Rules version 1.2:
1. This thread is not merely for winning or losing, but for critiquing and improving your own craft.
2. This poetry thread 'contest' will end on a Friday, and voting will last until Sunday at midnight. You cannot win unless you vote. Although you don't have to submit a piece to vote.
3. The winner must then provide the next challenge theme for the following two week period. Some weeks like during E3, this may not be possible, so we will have an interim one week period until normality is resumed. As a general rule, we like to keep this on the alternate week to the Creative Writing Thread.
4. There are no word count limits, make it as long or as short as you want.
5. Optional secondary objectives are not mandatory, you can include them or not.
6. Further addition to rule five: you can also try the secondary objective as a secondary piece. Just make sure you label it as such.
7. Vote for your favourite poems. Voters should award first, second and third places to their favourite three poems. Don't vote for the same author twice. And watch out for pieces that are labeled ineligible - comments on these pieces labelled as such are welcome but you just can't vote for them. Incidentally, feel free to vote even if you haven't submitted a piece - the more the merrier :)
8. During the count, First place is allocated three points. Second place is allocated two points. And third place is allocated one point.
9. In the event of a tie, the tally will be counted again with first place being allocated three and half points. If it isn't resolved then, it will be up to the OP (most likely the previous winner) to decide to how to go about things.
10. Winner gets a round of applause and will have the records stating it as such. After which Rule 3 is in effect and we start a new thread.

Deadline: March 4th, 2011; 11:59PM

You should get your votes in by: March 6th, 2011; 11:59PM

---

The NeoGAF Poetry Society: Alumni's Archive


The NeoGAF Poetry Society: Previous Challenges:

Poetry Challenge #01: Reflection
Poetry Challenge #02: Making the Blind See (+ 5W poems)
Poetry Challenge #03: Interior (+ Incorporate a song or album title)
Poetry Challenge #04: History (+ Dream Song poems)
Poetry Challenge #05: A View From Afar or Within (+ Clerihew poems)
Poetry Challenge #06: The Surreal and the Fantastical (+ Haikus)
Poetry Challenge #07: Expectations versus Reality (+ Ode)
Poetry Challenge #08: Mirror's Edge (+ Rhymes)
Poetry Challenge #09: Look on the Bright Side (+ poem must end with _________________ as it's last line)
Poetry Challenge #10: Obsolete (+ Ink)
Poetry Challenge #11: Pride (+ Kanye West)
Poetry Challenge #12: Passing By (+ Allegory)
Poetry Challenge #13: Take this Society (+ Ballards)
Poetry Challenge #14: The Dark (+ Add Zombies to taste)
Poetry Challenge #15: The Great Winter (+ Elegy)
Poetry Challenge #16: What Nature Reclaims (+ Lay)
Poetry Challenge #17: Storm Clouds Rising (+ First Person)
Poetry Challenge #18: The Phoenix (+ Enjambment)
Poetry Challenge #19: Psychopomps (+ Assonance)
 
A

Ashes

Banned
ARHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Death, death and more death! good grief! I've read enough death related books, articles, websites, lectures etc, for the other thread to last me a couple of months...

What a morbid theme. And yet I have a feeling this is going to be a gratifying experience.
I like it.
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Ashes1396 said:
ARHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Death, death and more death! good grief! I've read enough death related books, articles, websites, lectures etc, for the other thread to last me a couple of months...
Click to expand...
200px-Emily_Dickinson_daguerreotype.jpg
 
I

Irish

Member
u mad

Congrats, Dresden!

I really need to work on making each individual piece of my poems flow together.
 
W

Wanace

Member
Just was thinking about my grandfather who passed away last year around this time, so I'll write one for him. Untitled, I guess.

I was out of touch when you passed,
thousands of miles away,
less concerned with cancer than coitus.
Time of death: The same time
I was cheated out of twenty-eight dollars
by a bronzed whore in the tropics.

Were you watching when she schemed
and screamed,
as I, shame-faced,
goaded into buying her silence in
a hallway full of onlookers,
let my dignity die?

I wish the wake I'd attended
was yours, and that the corpse I'd seen
was lit by stained glass and bright memory.
Instead, a dim, flickering bulb,
bloodshot eyes, and a cracked mirror
revealed a dead piece of me.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Cyan said:
200px-Emily_Dickinson_daguerreotype.jpg
Click to expand...


"I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us — don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know.

How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!"

Emily Dickinson



My favourite is this one though*:

Hope

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Emily Dickinson

*at least it has been for a good while now...

ps. I meant both the other threads... Poetry and creative writing..

edit: updated creative writing thread link to the latest one.
 
A

AnkitT

Member
My limited extended family mourns
Black or white sheet adorned
Wishing for the passage of the spirit
Wind unseen yet everyone can hear it
The cradle rocks under the influence
Sad music on happy instruments
Coffin made of aged charred wood
Imagery lost or maybe understood?
But the departed don’t pay heed
To creed since they don’t bleed
“It’s all relative”, said the wise man
Blood ties lost once you slice the prized ham
The coffin is earthed and tears flow
The earth moistens ready to grow
A prisoner in a bone and cartilage
A prisoner in a wooden cage
A prisoner of one surname
A prisoner remembered as a saint
 
A

Ashes

Banned
don't be sad John.

What do you think
life is..
but a fleeting encounter
quietly missed;
Suppose it is,
the thinking man's
sleepless bliss,
upon which cheek,
will you plant this
kiss,
from which partner,
will you get,
this,
of whose breaking heart,
do you reminisce?

For whom? do you
cry a tear till
dawn,
drown in vodka,
through the night
till morn,
bloody your knee,
cause you hit the concrete,
not
the lawn,
the ghost you see,
she isn't there, she's lost,
she's gone.
Prey get up, don't
look forlorn,
drink a glass of water,
for the
headache torn,
and the heartache,
not wrong,
but
not on song,
for yesterday,
baby Sarah
was born.

So don't be sad John,
don't be a black thorn,
raise her to be
like her mother,
raise her to be
like a white swan.

What do you think
life is...
but a fleeting encounter
quietly missed;
Suppose it is,
the thinking man's
sleepless bliss,
upon which cheek,
will you plant this
kiss,
from which partner,
will you get,
this,
of whose breaking heart,
do you reminisce?


You think this is the ending,
no it isn't,
wake up, smell the coffee
or the tea
that life is,
butter your toast
something happy,
pick up the sunday paper
you dismiss,
taste the freedom of
the living breathing,
the ever enduring;
see the colour
that you are missing,
whilst wholly awake
soulfully dreaming.


Don't you see the darling buds of
spring, are this year
too alluring?
don't you miss the ocean waves,
and the joy this brings?
Don't you feel the warmest
of warm winds?
Don't you remember where,
you offered me
a heart felt ring?
don't you remember
how ecstatically I screamed?
don't you remember,
where Sarah
was conceived?

Don't you forget,
how elated you felt.
Don't you replace me,
with brooding and misery.
Don't you change,
the story that life is,
from a place of godly joy,
and graceful dignity,
to one that is a
nitty,
gritty,
version of solemnity.


For whom? do you
cry a tear till
dawn,
drown in vodka,
through the night
till morn,
bloody your knee,
cause you hit the concrete,
not
the lawn,
the ghost you see,
I'm not there, I'm not lost,
I've left this life,
I'm gone.
Prey get up, don't
look forlorn,
drink a glass of water,
for the
headache torn,
and the heartache,
not wrong,
but
not on song,
for yesterday,
baby Sarah
was born.

What do you think
life is..
but a fleeting encounter
quietly missed;
Suppose it is,
the thinking man's
sleepless bliss,
upon which cheek,
will you plant this
kiss,
from which partner,
will you get,
this,
of whose breaking heart,
do you reminisce?

Don't be sad John,
well... at least
not for
too long.

I hear your pain,
I feel your sorrow,
but hear me,
best friend,
Live for tomorrow.

by
Ashes1396




Thanks for reading...
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Morning Dew

So peaceful and serene, my love,
lying there, amongst the trees.
Bright, dappled light
playing across your flesh
as the branches swayed
in the warm, gentle breeze.

You almost seemed alive,
but for the gash in your side.
Brutal and final.
Pain reflected in your eyes,
your summer dress marred
by a dark crimson tide.

Spreading slowly forth,
carpeting in a macabre hue
the damp forest floor
beneath your shattered form,
thick claret mixed
with the morning dew.
 
I

Irish

Member
Emotional shackles replaced
with those of cold steel.
Old man's bitter hate
has sealed my disastrous fate.

I've freed my family
by giving my life.
The old man's done breathing.
Two lives ended due to his strife.

One lowered into the ground,
the other off to the state pen.
Both leave with family making no sound
Two lives ended, but only one was deserved.

I always seem to lose track of my idea after the first stanza.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
We have five, count em, five entries this week, who made the cut. And at first glance, this looks to be a very good lot.

The Entries this week:

~

"untitled"

by Cryptozoologist

~

"Nobody came to mine"

by AnkitT

~

"don't be sad John."

by Ashes1396

~

"Morning Dew"

by Bootaaay

~

"Cement"

by Irish

_____

March Hares, get your votes in by: March 6th, 2011; 11:59PM

Refresh to see how much time you have left:

t1299484800z4.png
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Whatcha talking about fool!

Apologies... my blindness is unfortunately incurable, didn't see the untitled post... welcome to the insane asylum... :(


Quoting the entire post is such an eyesore... :(
 
W

Wanace

Member
Here are my votes:

First for Morning Dew by Bootaaay. I liked the ambiguity in what happened here, as well as the strong imagery and the feeling I get when I read it.

Second for don't be sad John by Ashes1396. I liked the repeating stanzas, the way it reads, and the theme is carried well.

Third for Cement by Irish. A murder of a family member is a good twist on the death in the family theme. Especially when it's carried out by another family member. Simple but I liked it.

Good luck everyone!
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Crits:

@Cryptozoologist: A little too cryptic for my liking, perhaps muddled up is a better description. In the type of poetry you were going for, the trick I think is to illuminate through visuals, similies and the like, so you were on the right track at least...

@AnkitT: This is a measured improvement from before, but it's still lacking finese in the way it was spoken... too rigid, without life... I wondered whether the concrete nature was purposeful, and I thought not really, you've done better before in that regard. It was still a decent effort I thought. So you did good, but you can do better.

@Bootaaay: Very classy effort, and vividly told. All with the usual natural way you have with the flow of words. I really liked it, even if the first two lines were a little below the level of the rest of poem. The emotive nature was perhaps too early, or had something else that I can't put my finger on.

@Irish: Told a story clearly, but wasn't much else. Maybe you should have used the 'cement' imagery in the poem itself. perhaps that's what it lacked. Some imagery, instead of sentence statements....


Votes

1. Bootaaay
2. Crypto
3. AnkitT
hm. Irish
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Cryptozoologist; vividly told and it ends strongly, but it's flow was a bit awkward. With different formatting it could be better, imo.

AnkitT; wonderful rhyming as usual and I really like the flow of this piece, the structure works in it's favour, although if I were nitpicking I'd have to say that the repetition at the end was unnecessary.

Ashes1396; loved this one, very evocative and it flows perfectly. As I was reading I felt certain that you should have ended it at the first repetition of 'reminisce', but despite my misgivings you maintained the quality and feel of the piece throughout.

Irish; I like this one, but the rhyming pattern makes it an awkward read and gives the piece a haphazard feel that lets it down, especially at the end.

Votes;

1. Ashes
2. AnkitT
3. Cryptozoologist
HM: Irish
 
I

Irish

Member
1) Cryptozoologist - Really a tortuous read. Filled with sorrow and shame. I thought it was extremely touching.

2) AnkitT - Some great imagery and you even changed up your style a tad bit.

3) Bootaaay - Nice setup and beautiful flow.

HM) Ashes1396 - I think it would have read better with a few snips here and there.


Man, I finally realized why I haven't really been feeling any of my recent entries in both threads. I'm totally leaving out descriptions and imagery. So uncool. I'm definitely going to have to work on that for the writing thread.

I guess I just got used to be people not liking my opening paragraphs which were usually image heavy, that I sorta left it all out entirely.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
_________________

Results
_______


1. Bootaaay - 10pts ***
2. Ashes1396 - 7pts *
3. Cryptozoologist - 6pts *
3. AnkitT - 5pts
4. Irish - 2pt

Congrats to Bootaaay, who reigns supreme with an excellent poem. Great efforts from everyone else, which was lovely to see. A good debut by Crypto as well. Bootaaay, it now falls on you to set the way forth.
 
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