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The NeoGAF Poetry Corner - Challenge #26: Prove You Exist

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Not open for further replies.
A

Ashes

Banned
___________________________________________________________________

The NeoGAF Poetry Corner - Challenge #26: Prove You Exist
________________________________


QmfKU.jpg


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Theme: Prove You Exist
___________________________________________________________________

This isn't a task. It's a theme. :)

Interpret it anyway, anyhow. You can completely drench your poem in its rain, or take this as your starting point.

Obviously, you can just write a poem, and by that measure, you will have already proven that you exist. :p

Ps. I've had pms about people wanting to submit but not having the courage to, and wanting to do it anonymously. And I think it's too easy to exploit this rule, so pm two of the poetry regulars if you can.

But seriously we are decent folk round here; at least I think we are. :p

Friends are cool too; and the above isn't a rule! I don't think anyone has ever objected anyhow. It just suddenly occurred to me as I was posting this thread.

___________________________________________________________________

Secondary Objective: Lyrical Poetry form.
___________________________________________________________________

You can enter a second poem if it is Lyrical Poetry. What's a Lyric Poem? I hear you say. Well, here's a wiki page, to get you started.

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Bonus
___________________________________________________________________

Well it's simple. Revision and redrafting.


And Thank You to everyone who entered and voted in the last thread. And Bootaaay who provided the template for this op and the Alumni Archive.

___________________________________________________________________

Poetry thread Rules version 1.2:
___________________________________________________________________

1. This thread is not merely for winning or losing, but for critiquing and improving your own craft.
2. This poetry thread 'contest' will end on a Friday, and voting will last until Sunday at midnight. You cannot win unless you vote. Although you don't have to submit a piece to vote.
3. The winner must then provide the next challenge theme for the following two week period. Some weeks like during E3, this may not be possible, so we will have an interim one week period until normality is resumed. As a general rule, we like to keep this on the alternate week to the Creative Writing Thread.
4. There are no word count limits, make it as long or as short as you want.
5. Optional secondary objectives are not mandatory, you can include them or not.
6. Further addition to rule five: you can also try the secondary objective as a secondary piece. Just make sure you label it as such.
7. Vote for your favourite poems. Voters should award first, second and third places to their favourite three poems. Don't vote for the same author twice. And watch out for pieces that are labeled ineligible - comments on these pieces labelled as such are welcome but you just can't vote for them. Incidentally, feel free to vote even if you haven't submitted a piece - the more the merrier :)
8. During the count, First place is allocated three points. Second place is allocated two points. And third place is allocated one point.
9. In the event of a tie, the tally will be counted again with first place being allocated three and half points. If it isn't resolved then, it will be up to the OP (most likely the previous winner) to decide to how to go about things.
10. Winner gets a round of applause and will have the records stating it as such. After which Rule 3 is in effect and we start a new thread.

___________________________________________________________________

Submission Deadline: (PST)
___________________________________________________________________

The submission deadline is 11:59 PST, Friday 27th May 2011

t1306566000z4.png


___________________________________________________________________

Voting Deadline: (PST)
___________________________________________________________________

The voting deadline is 11:59 PST, Sunday 27th May 2011

t1306738800z4.png



___________________________________________________________________

The NeoGAF Poetry Society: Previous Challenges:
___________________________________________________________________

Poetry Challenge #01: Reflection
Poetry Challenge #02: Making the Blind See (+ 5W poems)
Poetry Challenge #03: Interior (+ Incorporate a song or album title)
Poetry Challenge #04: History (+ Dream Song poems)
Poetry Challenge #05: A View From Afar or Within (+ Clerihew poems)
Poetry Challenge #06: The Surreal and the Fantastical (+ Haikus)
Poetry Challenge #07: Expectations versus Reality (+ Ode)
Poetry Challenge #08: Mirror's Edge (+ Rhymes)
Poetry Challenge #09: Look on the Bright Side (+ poem must end with _________________ as it's last line)
Poetry Challenge #10: Obsolete (+ Ink)
Poetry Challenge #11: Pride (+ Kanye West)
Poetry Challenge #12: Passing By (+ Allegory)
Poetry Challenge #13: Take this Society (+ Ballards)
Poetry Challenge #14: The Dark (+ Add Zombies to taste)
Poetry Challenge #15: The Great Winter (+ Elegy)
Poetry Challenge #16: What Nature Reclaims (+ Lay)
Poetry Challenge #17: Storm Clouds Rising (+ First Person)
Poetry Challenge #18: The Phoenix (+ Enjambment)
Poetry Challenge #19: Psychopomps (+ Assonance)
Poetry Challenge #20: Death in the Family (+ Limericks)
Poetry Challenge #21: A Night on the Town (+ Didactic Poems)
Poetry Challenge #22: A Letter to the World (+ Inside Outside Poetry)
Poetry Challenge #23: The Blues
Poetry Challenge #24: Space, Above & Beyond (+ Prose Poetry)
Poetry Challenge #25: Futurism (+ Avoid Technology)
 
A

Ashes

Banned
_________________________________________________

The NeoGAF Poetry Society: Alumni's Archive
_______________________


ulMAd.png




, Untitled
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Great topic Ashes, and congrats again on your win :)

Ps. I've had pms about people wanting to submit but not having the courage to, and wanting to do it anonymously.
Click to expand...

I personally feel that my poetry has improved a ton since I starting submitting for these threads and to anyone who might be somewhat afraid to do so all I can say is; don't be. We're a friendly bunch and the whole point of these threads is to improve our work and enjoy reading the work of others. It doesn't matter if what you write doesn't fit to a form, or doesn't scan well, or rhyme properly, or capture adequately what you want to say; it's the idea that's important and just through the act of regularly writing poetry for others to read and critique improvement is bound to follow.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Bootaaay said:
Great topic Ashes, and congrats again on your win :)



I personally feel that my poetry has improved a ton since I starting submitting for these threads and to anyone who might be somewhat afraid to do so all I can say is; don't be. We're a friendly bunch and the whole point of these threads is to improve our work and enjoy reading the work of others. It doesn't matter if what you write doesn't fit to a form, or doesn't scan well, or rhyme properly, or capture adequately what you want to say; it's the idea that's important and just through the act of regularly writing poetry for others to read and critique improvement is bound to follow.
Click to expand...


*nods*

AnkitT said:
Congrats on the win, Mr.Ashes! Nice theme, got a few ideas brewing.
Click to expand...

Thank you Mr AnkitT.
 
I

iavi

Member
This is an awesome theme. Real nice choice, ashes. I haven't posted in here, but I saw it when you first put it up, and've been writing for it since. I actually have two in the polishing stages. Dunno which one I'm going to use. The choice has been kinda hard.

And to those watching from the sidelines afraid to post. Really, I don't know what to tell you. Aside from Ashes's usual blazing, but immensely useful, critiques, and my own snarkiness, this has arguably been one of the more considerate bunch that I've dealt with. Not posting hurts more in the end than any critique one of us would give you.

And, myself included, we've got some serious dark ones in here too! So that's no excuse.

Just do it.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Miri said:
This is an awesome theme. Real nice choice, ashes. I haven't posted in here, but I saw it when you first put it up, and've been writing for it since. I actually have two in the polishing stages. Dunno which one I'm going to use. The choice has been kinda hard.

And to those watching from the sidelines afraid to post. Really, I don't know what to tell you. Aside from Ashes's usual blazing, but immensely useful, critiques, and my own snarkiness, this has arguably been one of the more considerate bunch that I've dealt with. Not posting hurts more in the end than any critique one of us would give you.

And, myself included, we've got some serious dark ones in here too! So that's no excuse.

Just do it.
Click to expand...

Totally agreed.

For the second entry, try something lyrical. I've tried it and failed my self. I'd love to see somebody else get to grips with it. I can think of a fair few who would do a memorable job.
 
D

disappeared

Banned
ape shit.


I poured some water
took three pills
for the headache
and a bird thudded
against the window.
It hopped along on the ground,
as its friend flew away
there were two of them, robins.
it hopped along,
chirped
and hopped away
disappeared to the front lawn
I poured my coffee.
Donny said, they usually
break their necks.
 
I

iavi

Member
As The Sirens Sang in The Halls of He

Fuck closed eyes.
For real, those fuckers are quite simply no friends of mine.
Leading I by the handful of lies to a land full of signs pointing south: “You better prepare for the worst bitch.”

Get prepared for this? Well that’s, ah… simply impossible.
A city so shattered, where’s that peace? This chaos is simply unfathomable.
Detestable. Blood strewn along the ground. Good thoughts versus bad.
Sure, the good thoughts are wining war, but along with time, a many good lives have been had.

And will continue to be. Cause when the only signs point south, the south is where I go, right?
Saying: “Fuck this trouble!” I’m taking this knife and tucking their sun into night-night.
That’s right. Their sights? ...Along with I, they’ll be seeing nothing.
But they’ll keep firing… these struggles; they’d find a way.

In the halls of heaven, I know they would.
Cause I’d still be this same soul;
I’d still have myself…

This war would be waged, regardless.

----------

I'm probably going to try at the secondary too. I was reading into it, but couldn't really get a firm grasp on it. Will give it another go later.
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Nah, I'm gonna go for the last minute approach again ;)

I've been without a laptop all week and have discovered that I just can't write poetry on paper because I can't delete awful lines, lol.
 
I

iavi

Member
Bootaaay said:
Nah, I'm gonna go for the last minute approach again ;)

I've been without a laptop all week and have discovered that I just can't write poetry on paper because I can't delete awful lines, lol.
Click to expand...
ha, I used to be strictly “paper first, comp later" cause I found that writing it out envoked a bit more creativity in the whole process. Or at the least, till burn out sets in. It worked for poems, still does, but I started doing whole stories like that and promptly said fuck that. No way.
 
A

AnkitT

Member
They say the pudding has good proof
Universe invented before that is true
A physicality, recluse, witches’ brew
Win or lose, after the bruise, truce

Lineage, generations, lost identity
Intensity of the blow withstands city
Knowledge begets philosophical propensity
Decadence of flesh, and then intense pity

The novice sophist, egocentric solipsist
A fixed tryst, the shoe-in is a misfit
List it, gist to make sure we existed
Populace hiss fit, the truth? Dismissed it

In an enlightened age of tightened gauge
Is it a staged play or do we all have a say?
Does it matter, or do we bend in the wind’s sway?
Enquire metaphysics for leeway or just pray

Senses decepted, fooled, guided to what’s accepted
Reality can be constructed, pieces moved, disrupted
Nothing to be trusted apart from assigned value encrusted
Philosophical cogs rusted, alternatives? Not interested.

The hot pan tempers man to take a stand
Persona lost in the daily supply and demand
Mid-life crisis, your brand of seeking reprimand
The modern day cart pusher thinks “I am”
 
I

iavi

Member
AnkitT said:
Not particularly fond of it, but I was wanting to just write something.
Click to expand...

You know, if there's one thing that I've learned in something as subjective as the arts, it's to never openly doubt your own work during a challenge/competition. You'll cloud people's perception of your piece, without you, or them, even realizing that you have. Especially so if you're your own worst critic.

Granted, this isn't all the serious of a challenge, but still.


This is an awesome theme to work with, people. We should see a ton of great ones. Not all that much time left.
 
A

AnkitT

Member
Miri said:
You know, if there's one thing that I've learned in something as subjective as the arts, it's to never openly doubt your own work during a challenge/competition. You'll cloud people's perception of your piece, without you, or them, even realizing that you have. Especially so if you're your own worst critic.

Granted, this isn't all the serious of a challenge, but still.


This is an awesome theme to work with, people. We should see a ton of great ones. Not all that much time left.
Click to expand...
Heh. I foolishly like to think that I can see my own work with some objectivity. Or rather, my own subjective musings. I do agree with you on clouding others' decision, and i'll keep that in mind.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Does anyone else think the op picture is like shouting at you:

HEY YOU, YES YOU! PROVE YOU EXIST!
But I don't want....to....
PROVE YOU EXIST MOTHERHUGGER!
But...
PROVE YOU-
alright, alright, I get it... Jeez.
EXXXXIIIISSSSSTTTTTTTT.
 
I

iavi

Member
Ashes1396 said:
Does anyone else think the op picture is like shouting at you:

HEY YOU, YES YOU! PROVE YOU EXIST!
But I don't want....to....
PROVE YOU EXIST MOTHERHUGGER!
But...
PROVE YOU-
alright, alright, I get it... Jeez.
EXXXXIIIISSSSSTTTTTTTT.
Click to expand...

Least subtle bump ever

this one's much better hah
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Miri said:
Least subtle bump ever

this one's much better hah
Click to expand...

;)

vlc%202011-05-27%2000-53-38-68.gif


How 'bout this one!

Like a ghost....

ps. on topic... I don't know what I did with my entry. I can't remember where I put it!
 
I

iavi

Member
Ashes1396 said:
;)



How 'bout this one!

Like a ghost....

ps. on topic... I don't know what I did with my entry. I can't remember where I put it![/QUOTE]you should check Dropbox or Google docs out. Both are excellent archival tools. I use dbox myself. Never lose anything.

e: did you just add that gif? Haha! I didn't see it till just now.
Click to expand...
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Where the Wind Blows

Luminescent rays of powder-soft light
bathe the land in a summer glow.
Eyes closed he sets off,
the wind his guide,
the sound of grass sashaying in the breeze
and the gentle call of song birds
floating through the air.

Barefoot, he revels in the soft warmth
of the rich, sandy soil
that leaves footprints in his wake.
Sun blanched storks of patch-work grass
tickling his ankles as he walks,
onwards to wherever the winds breath,
a lone sail bobbing in a sea of green.

Higher now, the sun beats down.
It's intense warmth tempered
by the wind at his back
urging him to motion,
his weathered features set
in empty determination,
borne of enigmatic desire.

Like a ghost, insubstantial,
surreal and half formed.
The idea propelling him away
and ever onwards,
consuming his being
in a search for the place
to where the wind blows.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
What a wonderful world...

I wish I was a falling leaf, 
Without a care in the world,
Floating in the wind. 

I wish I was a mosquito, 
Avoiding rain droplets like a fighter pilot
Dancing in the monsoon season.

I wish I had a falcon's wings, so I could soar amongst the clouds
Or had a panther's green eyes, so I can see in the dark,
Or a mole's ear, and listen to a heartbeat underground. 

I wish I was a dragon, so I could set fire to the rain,
Or a Phoenix, like Dumbledore's companion.

I wish that I were something other then human, 
But I'm not, 
I am human.
I think, 
Therefore I am.  :)

I wish I could capture a mother's eye, 
When she first sees her new born baby's smile. 

I wish I could explain what dying feels like. 
I wish I could sleep away the hardship, 
Like a thief in the night. 

I wish I could show how precious life is
Soothe pains in places medicine can't reach.

I wish I was bright,
Like our sun, and her friends in the starry night;
But I'm not; 
I am but faint moonlight. :(

Light and dark,
Sadness and delight!
Monday is hard to take,
Sunday is just right!
When one falls down,
The other one picks it up!
One likes fantasy,
The other real life!
He like whispers,
She likes shouts!

Quit with the confusing language,
Explain what you're on about!
Well it's-
It's us, love and marriage dufous,
Now quit yapping, and
Cue our song... :p

Alright, but not just yet,
This is my poem after all,
Let's not fight in public, eh, :)
Ahem...
I was once a kid,
Where my dreams would often leap into real life,
Then I grew up, 
And asked questions here and there, about all the strife,
Then I found her,
And the lonely one, became the wholesome two;
You suffer me, 
And I enjoy you,
And everything is clear as day,
But mad and complicated too.
You lean on me,
And I can embarrass my self for you,
So without further delay,
Heres the proof,
That love exists:
You love me,
And I like you! ;)

Ok cue your favourite song,
Our song!
Our song... Norah jones:
What a wonderful world. 
 
I

iavi

Member
I’ll start the voting off!

1. Ashes – I love how all encompassing this is. You didn’t just touch upon humanity, but aspects of it. I appreciate that a lot. Wordplay isn’t as strong this time around, which is a good bit disappointing, since you are so good at it, but the piece is fun & lighthearted—great. Great showings.

2.Dissapeared – I love the understated nature, and nonchalant attitude this one carries. It wouldn’t work with me normally, but it does here.

3.Ankit – There’s a fierceness to your piece that I can’t help but love, but I don’t really think it even understood what is was going for itself until the latter half--which was strong. There's a certain lack of cohesiveness to it. Your wordplay is on point.

Hm: Bootaaay - This is the first of your pieces that hasn't made the top 3 with me. Not good. Not good. Your imagery was the usual Bootaay brand of strong, but the creativity wasn't there this time. With subject choice, or wording. (E: I also agree with Ankit. It didn't feel as if it really encompassed the theme all that much. It almost felt as if it was working for Tangent's theme of "insignificance" over in this weeks short story challenge. I should have noted that first, as it was actually my biggest issue.)
 
A

AnkitT

Member
1. Ashes1396 - Didnt enjoy it as much as your entry in the last contest, but it does stand on it's own merit. Love the voice, the playful sort of tone to it while simultaneously touching on heavier topics.

2. Miri - I enjoyed the way you worded the quandary. Strong line to end on, and the theme is represented well. It seems you randomly dropped the rhythm/rhyme in places though.

3. Bootaaay - As always, it is really a great world you create through imagery. Might just be me, but I didn't really associate this piece very strongly with the main theme though.

HM: disappeared - Nice structure and tone to it. Maybe i'm looking at it too superficially to really appreciate the meaning of it all, but it didnt really resonate with me.
 
I

iavi

Member
Even if you didn't enter, please; feel free to vote. It only makes things a little more lively in the end.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
1. Bootaaay - a lot more experimental; you've adapted a new kind of style, which feels so very like home to me but I can't put my finger on why. I do like the wind though. So very mysterious ain't it?
2. AnkitT - read this a couple of times; enjoyed the rythym and the beat. Very nicky minaj esque. Her writer of course, and not material or topic wise, just the way it flowed. The latter half of the poem was much better than the first half.
3. Miri - Something about the choice of words made it feel very up to date, modern era stuff. And I thought I was reading it wrong. but since I liked that I'm hoping I'm reading it right..:p I hope you write another poem where you draw with emotion instead of painting with imagery. I think you could really hit one out of the park, one of these days. But concrete imagery helps.

H.m disappeared - deserves a point. Stark, harsh, cold-blooded reality.


I thought I'd try and deal out a fresh morning in summer with this latest entry. We've been too good a friend to misery lately, haven't we? And that's why I imagined him that way. But honestly speaking, I see a lot of my self in him, or at least I'd like to, and I hope you guys did too.

I hope everyone had a lovely weekend. Still time left to enjoy the poems, and to vote...
 
I

iavi

Member
Aha, I tackled the misery head on in this one.
I think I'm getting what you're saying there, ashes. Painting with strong metaphors is something I've grown a bit too accustomed to. Good observation.
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
1. Miri - nice flow to this piece with a forceful tone, really enjoyed reading it.
2. Ashes1396 - a very fun read that for the most part it comes across wonderfully well, if slightly rambling towards the end :)
3. AnkitT - as miri pointed out, this one ends a lot stronger that it starts, but very well written throughout.

HM; Disappeared - I nearly included this one in my votes as I think it's excellently constructed and I really like the ending, but there were a bunch of strong entries this week so it just missed out my top 3.

miri said:
I also agree with Ankit. It didn't feel as if it really encompassed the theme all that much. It almost felt as if it was working for Tangent's theme of "insignificance" over in this weeks short story challenge. I should have noted that first, as it was actually my biggest issue.
Click to expand...

Yeah, I was a bit stumped in regards to the theme, so just started writing to see where it took me. Insignificance wasn't what I wanted to get across though, I wanted to try and say something about how humans are driven to explore their boundaries, but didn't manage to tie it into the theme or my poem well enough.
 
W

WAWAZA

Member
You who seek existence apart,
The thing you seek, thou art, thou art;

Why then search for what you have not lost?
Searching for whats not lost, distrust, distrust!

Thou art the letters, names and the book
Prophets and angels your word undertook;

Just sit still, this futile search let go
You are the house, master and foe

Essence and form, celestial and from earth
Always eternal, in death and at birth.

If you want to see existence's face
Polish the mirror, gaze into that space

In these truths, the secrets you weave
Are your punishments, yourselves deceive.
 
I

iavi

Member
WAWAZA said:
You who seek existence apart,
The thing you seek, thou art, thou art;

Why then search for what you have not lost?
Searching for whats not lost, distrust, distrust!

Thou art the letters, names and the book
Prophets and angels your word undertook;

Just sit still, this futile search let go
You are the house, master and foe

Essence and form, celestial and from earth
Always eternal, in death and at birth.

If you want to see the beloved?s face
Polish the mirror, gaze into that space

In these truths, the secrets you weave
Are your punishments, yourselves deceive.
Click to expand...
Way late! Hahaha. That's awesome though, if not horribly preachy.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
The results:

1. Ashes1396 - 8pts
2. Miri - 6pts
3. AnkitT- 4pts
3. Bootaaay- 4pts
4. disappeared - 2pts

And that about wraps up another chapter in the poetry thread books. Thank you for the poems, the votes, and the comments. And thank you to Bootaaay for the updated templates.

I don't know where we go from here. I'll sleep on it, I reckon. Hope you enjoyed the weekend y'all.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Hmm... interesting...

Thanks for the temps... I still haven't decided which way to go... might just go with pixar if I can't think of something that simple...

By the way, E3 means the OT is gonna be closed temporarily. I want to avoid having the writing and poetry threads in the same week, so we'll have to manage that somehow I guess.

Cheers again, for the temps...

edit: ps, heard that West Ham might be getting Allardyce.
 
I

iavi

Member
I'd pick something that signals the summertime, myself. Something like pop rock, or a summer blockbuster.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Just wanted it to let you know that the new poetry thread is . That is all. You can now resume your conversations.
 
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