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The NeoGAF Poetry Corner - Challenge #33: Lust

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B

British Monsoon

Member
The NeoGAF Poetry Corner - Challenge #33: Lust

Congrats to Tim the Wiz for his victory in the last thread with his excellent piece 'Stardust', he's asked me to post the thread for him and this weeks theme is...

Theme: Lust

As always, interpret this theme how ever you see fit.

Secondary Objective: Poetry Slam

Perform your poetry, capture it on an audio file and upload it. Post it alongside your text version; however, it will not inform any element of judgement in voting. (See: http://soundcloud.com/ and http://hulkshare.com/)

Bonus Optional Objective: Anonymous

All entries that choose to follow this secondary objective (or both) must be PMed to Tim the Wiz, and he will post them. The identity of the writer will be revealed when the vote count is finalized. As in the creative writing thread, this is done to invite experimentation free of our collective expectations of each other. Have some fun with it!

Poetry thread Rules version 1.2:
1. This thread is not merely for winning or losing, but for critiquing and improving your own craft.
2. This poetry thread 'contest' will end on a Friday, and voting will last until Sunday at midnight. You cannot win unless you vote. Although you don't have to submit a piece to vote.
3. The winner must then provide the next challenge theme for the following two week period. Some weeks like during E3, this may not be possible, so we will have an interim one week period until normality is resumed. As a general rule, we like to keep this on the alternate week to the Creative Writing Thread.
4. There are no word count limits, make it as long or as short as you want.
5. Optional secondary objectives are not mandatory, you can include them or not.
6. Further addition to rule five: you can also try the secondary objective as a secondary piece. Just make sure you label it as such.
7. Vote for your favourite poems. Voters should award first, second and third places to their favourite three poems. Don't vote for the same author twice. And watch out for pieces that are labeled ineligible - comments on these pieces labelled as such are welcome but you just can't vote for them. Incidentally, feel free to vote even if you haven't submitted a piece - the more the merrier :)
8. During the count, First place is allocated three points. Second place is allocated two points. And third place is allocated one point.
9. In the event of a tie, the tally will be counted again with first place being allocated three and half points. If it isn't resolved then, it will be up to the OP (most likely the previous winner) to decide to how to go about things.
10. Winner gets a round of applause and will have the records stating it as such. After which Rule 3 is in effect and we start a new thread.

Submission Deadline: (PST)

t1315033500z4.png


Voting Deadline: (PST)

t1315206300z4.png


---

The NeoGAF Poetry Society: Previous Challenges:

Poetry Challenge #01: Reflection
Poetry Challenge #02: Making the Blind See (+ 5W poems)
Poetry Challenge #03: Interior (+ Incorporate a song or album title)
Poetry Challenge #04: History (+ Dream Song poems)
Poetry Challenge #05: A View From Afar or Within (+ Clerihew poems)
Poetry Challenge #06: The Surreal and the Fantastical (+ Haikus)
Poetry Challenge #07: Expectations versus Reality (+ Ode)
Poetry Challenge #08: Mirror's Edge (+ Rhymes)
Poetry Challenge #09: Look on the Bright Side (+ poem must end with _________________ as it's last line)
Poetry Challenge #10: Obsolete (+ Ink)
Poetry Challenge #11: Pride (+ Kanye West)
Poetry Challenge #12: Passing By (+ Allegory)
Poetry Challenge #13: Take this Society (+ Ballards)
Poetry Challenge #14: The Dark (+ Add Zombies to taste)
Poetry Challenge #15: The Great Winter (+ Elegy)
Poetry Challenge #16: What Nature Reclaims (+ Lay)
Poetry Challenge #17: Storm Clouds Rising (+ First Person)
Poetry Challenge #18: The Phoenix (+ Enjambment)
Poetry Challenge #19: Psychopomps (+ Assonance)
Poetry Challenge #20: Death in the Family (+ Limericks)
Poetry Challenge #21: A Night on the Town (+ Didactic Poems)
Poetry Challenge #22: A Letter to the World (+ Inside Outside Poetry)
Poetry Challenge #23: The Blues
Poetry Challenge #24: Space, Above & Beyond (+ Prose Poetry)
Poetry Challenge #25: Futurism (+ Avoid Technology)
Poetry Challenge #26: Prove you Exist (+ Lyrical Poetry)
Poetry Challenge #27: Love, Happiness, Peace, Summer & Pixar! (+ Couplets)
Poetry Challenge #28: Dying Earth (+ Blank Verse)
Poetry Challenge #29: War (+ Narrative/Epic Poems)
Poetry Challenge #30: Dreams (+ the return of First Person)
Poetry Challenge #31: At Gunpoint (+ Epic Poetry/Broetry)
Poetry Challenge #32: Two Sides of an Epic Coin Toss (+ Metre & Rhythm)
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
The NeoGAF Poetry Society: Alumni's Archive

ulMAd.png


 
B

British Monsoon

Member
 
I

iavi

Member
Man of an Empty Marsh & Red.


All of these greys and gross greens,
Can only be seen, I'm sure,
From these points of which I’ve planned.
Wet, barren lands,
Soaked with the memories of blistered hands;
Hands once coupled in love,
Now bruised with the ax we bore.
As
Before
Me,
Stands
The
Next,
One,
On,
That,
List.
It's a love like this.
A style I could try to fix.
Dare I won’t,
On the day this sapling dies.
Cause the past is never truly heeded here,
So plead her hatchet buried, I did.
Still, she only claimed my cries unfair;
With her face,
Once fair,
Now red.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Great. The poetry thread where you have to perform your poetry, is the the one about lust. Thank you mr wiz. :p
 
U

umop_3pisdn

Member
Something quick and dirty, otherwise I'd never submit anything due to my perfectionist tendencies, etc.

like sand drinks water
so too is the moment of passion gone
the weight of itself too much to support
so too the yearnings die with the man
kept close in company until such time
infinite emptiness cannot be filled
hunger could carry us past the end
if the end was not already waiting
so how to satisfy this black hole?
do I submit myself to dine on hot flesh
though all flesh must go to rot?

Not intending any subtle sexism by use of the word 'man', here, I'm just unable to think of an alternative that doesn't sound clumsy, and I'm too lazy to rephrase it.
 
U

umop_3pisdn

Member
Can I just use the first line as the title? I dread thinking up titles, and the first line is the shortest. I don't really care for how it sounds as a title, but again, I hate thinking of titles :p
 
I

iavi

Member
umop_3pisdn said:
Can I just use the first line as the title? I dread thinking up titles, and the first line is the shortest. I don't really care for how it sounds as a title, but again, I hate thinking of titles :p
Click to expand...

Definitely. That actually makes for a good title too.
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Bump.

Is anyone else submitting for the secondary? I've got an MP3 of my poem ready to go, but I don't want to be the only chump exposing himself for ridicule :p Plus, my voice doesn't lend itself well to oration and I've only got a shitty webcam mic for recording.
 
I

iavi

Member
I'll do an mp3 for my second entry, bootaaay. And I have about the same shitty setup you do, so it's not like quality is going to matter here.
 
T

Tim the Wiz

Banned
I'll post the anonymous entries as they come--they'll all be in tidypub--and they'll be posted individually to avoid confusion. I'll reveal whose poem is whose at the end of the voting period.

Ashes1396 said:
Are you gonna read our pieces for us? : p
Click to expand...

Haha, don't think so. Want to see how mine turns out first, at least.

By the way, just discovered (that is, came way too late to the party on) Gil Scott-Heron via "Who Will Survive In America" on Kanye's MBDTF. Listening to his final album--going through his oeuvre in reverse--and: So good.
 
C

crowphoenix

Banned
Her words

Hush, let the owl speak,
let the moon shine,
and the stars sing.

I can smell that sweet lush Chanel fragrance;
I can hear the soft thud thud of your heartbeat.

You laugh at my uttering poetry,
call me a heart laced romantic,
and yet I see you listen intently
to every word I humbly speak.

So just at the foot of my bed darling sit,
whilst I error in trying to capture
your presence in a poem;
alas, fishing for a star on a glittering lake
is no mean feat.
 
A

AnkitT

Member
I kicked you to the curb
And you weren’t perturbed
That’s what had me disturbed
Absurd that you won’t fight back
So again I started to hack
Your cries hasten the attack
Withering away, reducing to a pulp
“Murder!” they cry, crossbones and skulls
Just by my hands, the herd is culled
Justice will be a dish served cold
The bold who hold the weapon, behold!
From the many few who wield, it turns manifold
Power to the people where none is equal
Kill everyone who plots an upheaval!
Ingrained in blood, hard to see no evil
Absolute power corrupts absolutely
No absolution like the pied pipers flute plea
The Gods will burn as the soot flee
 
S

Seam

Banned
The Tearfull Moment.

We haven´t talked with each other for a while.
How are you doing, still putting on a smile?
Like we used to do each and everyday, let me go out of my way
I still think to much about you anyway. And say?.
Do dream still come true?
Heart full of blues, still thinking of you.
In a dream, moments alone, like in a train,
I be closing my eyes, and again.
Thinking about the same old pain
That we call love hoping for a rain
To come and take us away.
Your lovely hair, the smell of the smoke.
The hate of my stare, the laugh at my joke.
The subtle first kiss on the cheek.
The madness in your cute speech.
Was waiting for you for like a whole week.
To see your touch and hear your feet.
The sensual feel, that I couldn't do on the streets
Only to come behind the bad news that was the truth.
Still putting me in tears, like its still of any use.
Like your not hurt, being unheard.
Standing here, contemplating if it was still worth.

The Sane Moment.

Haven't talked in a while.
Wondering if you still put a smile.
Like u used to, each and everyday.
Excuse me, for going out of my way.
Thinking to much about the old day.
Let me wonder if you can say
Do dreams still come true these days?
Heart full of blues, a heart full of you.
Filling me in, with a sense of despair.
A queen to my heir, too fair, touche.
You got me there', made me dare.
Not giving up love, the smell of your hair.
Still keeping me awake at nights.
Wishing and wondering if I can see you, right?
False, no more hope, no more wondering for hope.
Just wanting to keep the feeling of me and you.
The smell, the touch, the kiss and the stroke.
Holding you now would mean never letting go.

Located moment, senses poem.

Formations of a silhouette image.
Smoke from cigarettes and perfume.
A caught taste of tingling silences.
Warm landscapes with beautiful desire/relief.
A sincere silence of teamwork.
Shall I return to love?
 
S

Seam

Banned
Well the first two are like a collection, but that said I don't really have the need to enter so I do not mind anyway.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Seam said:
Well the first two are like a collection, but that said I don't really have the need to enter so I do not mind anyway.
Click to expand...

What does this even mean? :p

It'll probably be fine. But expect the worst.. ;)
 
T

Tim the Wiz

Banned
Seam said:
Well the first two are like a collection, but that said I don't really have the need to enter so I do not mind anyway.
Click to expand...

Okay then, The Tearfull Moment/The Sane Moment counts as one entry and Located moment, senses poem counts as another.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Crits coming in random order:

"Man of an Empty Marsh & Red": Beautiful piece. The language is so delicate and quaint. The middle looks like the stalk of a plant :)P), though I am not sure of my self. A haunting piece. "Now Red" sounds like a juxtaposition. Great way to end the piece.

"The Tearfull Moment./The Sane Moment": I like the way it flows; something about it feels like you free styled it. I think it needs an edit or two. I was more involved with the lyrical side, the verse if you will, rather than being transported to the story you presented. "The subtle first kiss on the cheek. The madness in your cute speech," was a very cool line.

"Smoke and the Feeling of Weightlessness": I think one has to really engage with this to get what it means. So here goes nothing. It's family setting, with a child and a wife and guy. Then the guy cheats, or perhaps not. But the flirting is there. I think in the end, everything works out. Real toughie this one. So much meat to the bone. I really like it. Hope I deciphered it right. My attempts in the last couple of threads haven't been the best. My favourite line is also a line I don't fully comprehend. "The day meanders like a disillusioned child". How does a day meander like a disillusioned child?
Dresden? no clue. I want to say miri as well. Who knows?

"Sea Wall": Beautifully framed. Inch perfect imagery. I really like this. And the audio slam was pretty good as well. Sensual stuff. Swans, shared jackets, companionable silence, and the sea.
I'm guessing at an Aussie accent. And by that measure. Tim!
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Miri - very lyrical and with a great flow that stutters a bit with the single word lines but picks right back up with the rhyme on the next full line, enjoyable read.

umop_3pisdn - I love the opening line, wonderful imagery and although it felt a bit muddled in places it ends strongly.

You - this felt a bit stilted in places, maybe intentionally so in it's construction, but I felt the final stanza was stronger than it's predecesors for the more obvious rhyme.

Sea Wall - you set the scene well, but a few of the lines feel a bit awkward, although I really liked 'shy glances deftly stolen'.

crowphoenix - excellent opening stanza, and some nice language, I loved 'fishing for a star on a glittering lake'.

AnkiT - powerful theme that you convey well, and with excellent rhythm as well, although I felt the 'bold/hold/behold' line stumbled a bit.

Seam - nice idea and execution with your Tearful & Sane Moments, I liked the relaxed, conversational flow of the piece. As for the Located Moment, I enjoyed it and liked the somewhat wistful feel of the ending and some of the language, 'tingling silences' for one.

Smoke and the Feeling of Weightlessness - I have to say I loved this, the three act format worked wonderfully well and you told the story brilliantly, I loved some of the language and imagery, the 'wasteland' of the marriage bed, 'dream of dreams shelved' and the gut punch of the ending. Fantastic stuff.

Votes;

1. Smoke and the Feeling of Weightlessness
2. Man of an Empty Marsh & Red
3. The Tearful Moment ~ The Sane Moment

HM; Her Words
 
A

Ashes

Banned
"like sand drinks water" - Great opening line that didn't really lead onto much other then make me confused. You started off talking about passion that was gone, I presumed, lust, whether right or wrong. Then you moved on to stuff that was beyond me to be honest. Was the last few lines something about moving onto new relationships? its a blind guess. Sorry.

"Don't fight back, and see what happens" - Very quick pace; very lively. Great rhythm. I could almost smell a riot. Some great lines in such a short piece. Blink and you miss it, like: Power to the people, where none is equal. So very succinct. "Absolute power corrupts absolutely" is cliche though. I've heard that a few times, but you brought it back with a great ending: The Gods will burn as the soot flee.
 
U

umop_3pisdn

Member
Ashes1396 said:
"like sand drinks water" - Great opening line that didn't really lead onto much other then make me confused. You started off talking about passion that was gone, I presumed, lust, whether right or wrong. Then you moved on to stuff that was beyond me to be honest. Was the last few lines something about moving onto new relationships? its a blind guess. Sorry.
Click to expand...

To be honest I was referring to greed more than lust, but I see lust as a subcategory of greed which is itself sort of my intended meaning, mainly that lust is just another appetite. The other problem is death, we want and then we die, likely still unsatisfied and wanting things similar to what we always have. So should I just continue feeding this appetite to no end until I die, or is there a solution to be found in the opposite? For example, instead of drawing 'sustenance' from the beautiful, alive, and consoling; better to draw my sustenance from the spoiled, dead, and inevitable.

After forming this explanation I can see that I was unnecessarily vague, I didn't really say any of that stuff even though that sort of theme accounts for basically all of my inspiration.
 
T

Tim the Wiz

Banned
Votes:

1. Sea Wall - A voice channelling Mark E Smith, in the grips of wonderful musical accompaniment, laying into beautiful imagery? Not bad, at all.
2. Her Words
3. Man of an Empty Marsh & Red
 
A

Ashes

Banned
You didn't write Sea wall? Damn!

Btw, hope you are keeping up with who is voting who. Don't know if anybody is going to be voting for the same person twice or something.


umop_3pisdn said:
To be honest I was referring to greed more than lust, but I see lust as a subcategory of greed which is itself sort of my intended meaning, mainly that lust is just another appetite. The other problem is death, we want and then we die, likely still unsatisfied and wanting things similar to what we always have. So should I just continue feeding this appetite to no end until I die, or is there a solution to be found in the opposite? For example, instead of drawing 'sustenance' from the beautiful, alive, and consoling; better to draw my sustenance from the spoiled, dead, and inevitable.

After forming this explanation I can see that I was unnecessarily vague, I didn't really say any of that stuff even though that sort of theme accounts for basically all of my inspiration.
Click to expand...


Greed?

Hmm... Really appreciate the explanation. I was racking my head for a long while. We all learnt a little something eh.

I think, the best imagery is one you can lose your self in for a long while, not because you're trying to decipher it, but because you just about grasp it's meaning, and yet upon a second reading, you discover more and more.

I love concrete imagery, but those layers that tinker with the imagination are really what drives me personally.
 
I

iavi

Member
Oh, man... you poetry slammers really should have used hulkshare or soundcloud. The streaming that they offer saves so much time vs megauploads wait.

Going through all of them now.

E: I so regret not following through on my promise with the audio-slam. These are pretty awesome.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
I'm actually playing around with that for a bit of fun now... Might run one of the poems here through a machine, then put a backing track on it or something... Just for fun.

What can I say? I'm bored. :p
 
A

Ashes

Banned
"You" - aah bless at the ending. I don't think lust is easy to define in a poem, and you went in right after it. A brave poet whoever you are. And a crush in there somewhere too. Lots of little artistic flare here and there. Phantasy spelt that way added a sort of mythical nature. I didn't want to think WOW; but it popped into my head! I liked reading this. And the voiceover only added to the charm. I thought the imagery was a little lacklustre, even if I enjoyed the wordplay and the way you put it all together. I did like "your soul shines true, a river home, its passage rare as Solstice gleam," retaining that overall theme.
No clue. I'm guessing Bootaaay.

"Her words" - I'll be honest, I didn't like this one. I think you should have worked a bit more harder on this one, because it could have been good. It's not that I didn't get it. A couple sitting in bed; one of them is teasing the other, a play on the theme and the secondary theme. And then of course, the implicit stuff; the first stanza told me that it was night, foreplay if you will; the second stanza, sweat and the heart beating, the smell of sex was in the air (not to mention the length of the sentence :p). The third I think was... pillow talk, and last was waking up together, or falling asleep together, which was okay I guess. I think I also got the title; Her words, a girl talking to a girl; where normally, this is lust, you made it more love. But I don't know; it could had been much better, if you'd worked at it. Keep trying. You'll get there someday.

"Located moment, senses poem" - I think this the best of your lot. Every line helps build the scene, build the plot. A little bit off, here and there though. A sincere silence of teamwork. the word choice for teamwork could be better. The word doesn't have a romance nor lust connotation. A caught taste of tingling silences is perfect though. Very nice line.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Voting was very difficult this week. Some great poems.

1. "Sea Wall"
2. "Smoke and the Feeling of Weightlessness"
3. "Man of an Empty Marsh & Red"
hm1. "Don't fight back, and see what happens"
hm2. "Located moment, senses poem."
 
I

iavi

Member
Like Sand Drinks Water - This did a great job of expanding upon the insatiable nature of ‘lust,’ and the opening line really does a great job of setting that stage, so to speak. My issue is that it becomes a bit redundant in its reiteration of the theme only a few lines in. Btw, that title works wonderfully.

You - “No question to when I want it” in the second line after the multiple questions in the first was beautiful--so simple, but so effective. I ended up enjoying the poem overall, but I do feel as if it’s a bit too yearning. Not because that is inherently bad, but because it’s so common, and it wasn’t tackled in a way here that made me take a second look. Ironically enough, your ending line was a very strong note to end it on.

Sea Walls - You captured the procession beautifully--with image & atmosphere. I really enjoyed this one.

Her Words - I actually like they way you approached the theme with this one. Instead of going for the obvious, you fake the reader out and relay a lust for... something other than the norm. I’m still trying to decide what exactly it is, but I do like that I’m even able to do that. Nice showings.

Don’t Fight Back, and See What Happens - I really enjoyed the sporadic pace of this one. I’m guessing that the lust for power is how it connects? You had some strong writing in here, but there were a few very cliche lines. the final line, however, was so awesome.

The Tearful/Sane Moment - Some of the language in between these two sister pieces was really great--”Your lovely hair, the smell of smoke. The hate of my stare. The laugh at my joke”--for example.They gave the piece a lot of character, but I do feel as if it both became a bit plodding & predictable towards their respective ends.

Located moment, senses poem - this all looks awesome, but I’m not really getting any of it. Clarity is a big deal with me, and I’m not seeing it here. (e: That wasn’t even an intentional pun, lol)

Smoke and the feeling of Weightlessness - Fucking bravo. I was fully enveloped into the unfolding of this one. It stutters in its flow at random moments, but the content is so concise...really, one great piece.

1. Smoke and the Feeling of Weightlessness
2. Sea Wall
3. Her Words

HM: You
 
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