|
Member
(06-28-2010, 12:21 PM)
|
The Official NeoGAF General Poetry Thread #6: The Surreal & Fantastical
#1
The Official NeoGAF General Poetry Thread #6
Theme: The surreal and fantastical Whether it be through characters or setting, the composition or structure, inject a sense of the surreal and fantastical in to your submission. Optional Secondary Objective: Haikus Haikus - Japanese poems consisting of 3 lines, 17 syllables, with 5 syllables to the first & last lines and 7 syllables to the middle line. Here's an example; secondary themes are fairly hard to conjure so lets do haikus :D Poetry thread Rules version 1.1: 1. This thread is not merely for winning or losing, but for critiquing and improving your own craft. 2. This poetry thread 'contest' will end on a Friday, and voting will last until Sunday at midnight. You cannot win unless you vote. Although you don't have to submit a piece to vote. 3. The winner must then provide the next challenge theme for the following normal two week period. 4. There are no word count limits, make it as long or as short as you want. 5. Optional secondary objectives are not mandatory, you can include them or not. 6. Further addition to rule six. You can also try the secondary objective as a secondary piece. Just make sure you label it as such. (This may work as an added incentive to try the secondary objective, as people might vote for either of your pieces). 7. Vote for your favourite poems. 8. Voters should award first, second and third places to their favourite three poems. First place is allocated three points. Second place is allocated two points. And third place is allocated one point. Don't vote for the same author twice. 9. In the event of a tie, the tally will be counted again with first place being allocated three and half points. If it isn't resolved then, it will be up to the OP (most likely the previous winner) to decide. 10. Winner gets a round of applause and will have the records stating it as such. Deadline: Friday, July 9th, 2010 at 11:59pm, Pacific. Voting will then begin. You should get your votes in by: Sunday, July 11th, 2010 at 11:59pm, Pacific. Good luck everyone. ___________________________________ Previous threads; Poetry Thread #1; Reflection Poetry Thread #2; Making the Blind See & 5W poems Poetry Thread #3; Interior & Incorporate a song or album title Poetry Thread #4; History & Dream Song poems Poetry Thread #5; A View From Afar or Within & Clerihew poems Poetry Thread #6 Final Entries hey_monkey - Untitled Irish - B Covers Bread As Well umop_3pisdn - Cellular Matrix Dresden - Galactic Trooper Cyan - Untitled goldlion054 - The Abandoned Neighborhood AnkitT - Be Pee ZephyrFate - Niche in the Canyon Bootaaay - Nimbus Watching Bootaaay - Crocodile Tears kid ness - Somewhere a World Ashes1396 - Golden Phoenix Ashes1398 - River Thames Alarif - Untitled Results 1. kid ness - Somewhere a World - 14pts - (3) 2. Bootaaay - Nimbus Watching - 9pts - 3. ZephyrFate - Niche in the Canyon - 8pts - (1) 4. Dresden - Galactic Trooper - 6pts - (1) 5. umop_3pisdn - Cellular Matrix -5pts - (1) 6. AnkitT - Be Pee - 4pts - (1) 7. Irish - B Covers Bread As Well - 3pts - (1) 8. Bootaaay - Crocodile Tears -2pts - 9.Ashes1396 - Golden Phoenix 9. Ashes1398 - River Thames 9. Alarif - Untitled 12. hey_monkey - Untitled 12. Cyan - Untitled 12. goldlion054 - The Abandoned Neighborhood (0):1st place points
Last edited by Bootaaay; 07-12-2010 at 08:47 AM.
|
|
|
|
Member
(06-29-2010, 01:36 AM)
|
#8
Alas, I too suck
at creating haiku, but hey! Why not try it?** >.> Aren't they supposed to be sort of pastoral or something in the more traditional form? I should look this stuff up. **not an official entry or anything; just screwing around.
Last edited by hey_monkey; 06-29-2010 at 02:17 AM.
|
|
This picture? uhh I can explain really!
(06-29-2010, 03:05 AM)
|
#15
Originally Posted by Ashes1396:
|
|
Member
(07-05-2010, 12:45 AM)
|
#17
Originally Posted by Ashes1396:
*note, i'm not submitting any of these yet A man seeks answers to questions yet unknown And finds only time She cried and bawled crocodile tears, I laughed so she cried some more Bread and cheese and ham simple sandwich perfection satiate my hunger Northerly wind blows shaking the trees to and fro leaves fall before time Gun metal grey tones invade the skyline of sight before his eyes. BANG! Sweat intermingles a crush of humanity enraptured in rhythm Not sure which one, if any, i'll submit. Second and third are my favourites at the moment. |
|
Member
(07-05-2010, 01:08 AM)
|
#18
I generally like haikus. I may submit a double haiku as my main entry and a more traditional one for the secondary objective.
A double dose of haiku is a book review of sorts... Further down in the review: "Higginson sadly passed away before this book appeared, but it still stands as a worthy tribute to his dedication to the haiku form, and his efforts to promote a deeper understanding of it. After a brief review of its current popularity, he traces its emergence from an "aesthetics of austerity" to a modern and experimental form, imitated widely overseas, and not only in the English-speaking world. There is much useful advice in this volume, such as this, from the 17th-century poet Basho, who essentially created the poem as we now know it: "In writing do not let a hair's breadth separate your self from the subject. Speak your mind directly; go to it without wandering thoughts." "Haiku practice in Japan remains predominantly conservative in manner, but by no means entirely so. One of the most satisfying things about this book is its close reading of individual poems, in Japanese and English, as well as other languages. Higginson's comments are always apt, illuminating and persuasive, and he develops his points fully. Even before he begins to analyze details of technique, the reader has already been led to some understanding by example. Higginson and Harter both provide accounts of classroom experience, and lesson plans for the prospective teacher. They also look at other kinds of writing. Surrounding the haiku tradition are a number of forms with which it has either interacted or emerged from. These include renga, or linked verse, haibun, or prose with haiku, and haiga, or haiku with illustration. All the haiku masters have partaken of these forms, and good accounts of them are given here. Because of these multifarious connections, the book concludes, "haiku offers one of the best places to begin studying Japanese literature." " Coincidentally, this (the bolded part), was what I trying to do in the last thread. It proved to be very difficult. For me at least. With haikus though, it does come more naturally. |
|
Member
(07-05-2010, 02:24 PM)
|
#22
Originally Posted by Dilbert:
Last edited by Bootaaay; 07-05-2010 at 02:27 PM.
|
|
Member
(07-05-2010, 02:36 PM)
|
#23
Originally Posted by Bootaaay:
|
|
Member
(07-05-2010, 04:12 PM)
|
#24
Originally Posted by Dilbert:
|
|
Member
(07-05-2010, 08:35 PM)
|
#26
Originally Posted by Dilbert:
[IMG]http://i35.************/15ml83r.jpg[/IMG] srsly. |
|
Member
(07-06-2010, 08:22 AM)
|
#30
Okay, I'm really not sure what I'm going for, here. I'm not really sure if this counts as surrealism, either...
cellular matrix Red and blue fringed membranes bleeding arteries of mandelbrot bruise until it festers pattern, an ionic-iris shredding my sphere like glittering ice melt the snow between my ears dissolve boundaries into singing ache interstitial liquid, observing lunatic-cycle viral coats like prisms, bend the fleshy light make it wombs of oil |
|
FABULOUSLY
DIXI QUID QUID BEAR BEAR (07-06-2010, 08:26 AM)
|
GALACTIC TROOPER
#31
i rode my unicorn, shit was swell
it was fantastical, so surreal. /// candyland blaze colour armory blank cadence tripping rhythm-rhymes esophagus and appendix cut out in lime left to rot in acid-puddle yellow clouds /// piddle-paddle boat-long sold folded in half then half lest it mold. boats ablaze aflame in inferno rainbows out my nostrils like fire /// i rode my unicorn, shit was so swell shot lasers out my eyes like candycane tires licorice high the fantastic bizarre galactic troopers, fuck yeah!
Last edited by Dresden; 07-06-2010 at 08:29 AM.
|
|
Member
(07-08-2010, 06:01 AM)
|
Be Pee
#35
Whose clique is gonna live on the magical oil slick?
Sick to the pelican brief, good grief swab it off with the dick Quick lob in a PR bomb from surrey to the surreyal british petroleum Rub Vaseline to smooth it out and literally burn the wet dreams by the drum |
|
Banned
(07-09-2010, 04:20 AM)
|
#36
Niche in the Canyon
Twisted, wavy seascapes Painted, sculpted out of rock I'm at the ocean even though it's so far away. In tranquility I find One single parcel of light Found its way through this fortress of solitude Made shelter. Flakes of rock fall off and – The sand basin fills, like a perpetual hourglass But the light never changes. It still occupies the same space, it never moves. As if the world spun around it I made a home and yet I'm “Is this where you've been hiding?” 180 spin and radiant eyes Inquisitive and penetrating “They can't find me here.” Who? The voice asks: The eyes are gone and the body vanished So there's no point for quotation marks. “People.” But you are a person. “I'm the light in this cave. And I'm the sand. And I'm the ocean on these rocks.” Do you breathe? “Only here.” Only here. |
|
Member
(07-09-2010, 11:35 AM)
|
#37
Nimbus Watching
A great white dragon flies over my house insubstantial and unreal, yet real all the same Planes fly by and the dragon thrashes it's tail Roaring it's displeasure as they pass past unharmed Leaving arcing trails that malform the dragons body Further on a jolly little ship gently saunters Dipping and rising on ice-cream cool waves And there, a great starfish bathes in the sun Flexing it's arms in a lazy, languorous manner While up above a jellyfish undulates on by Party-popper tendrils tickling the rooftops Spooking gulls from their antenna-top perches But now the curtain slowly begins to descend A swath of ivory white cloth, tainted black Stark and ominous against the azure blue backdrop Shows over folks, weatherman says it's gonna rain. Crocodile Tears (secondary) She cried and bawled crocodile tears, I laughed so she cried some more |
|
Member
(07-10-2010, 01:40 AM)
|
Somewhere a World
#39
Somewhere a World
There's a world out there Where stars shine more than TV screens Where life is in the present And not in our dreams Stars brighten dark days with their literal light Synced with high fives of allies Who just want to collectively live a bright life Is there a number I can dial Or a book I can read Somewhere I can scribble About this world that we need? |
|
Member
(07-10-2010, 05:08 AM)
|
#40
Golden Phoenix The recognition that one is a failure hits the heart very hard. And yet whence sorrow runs its course, from ashes thence grows A golden phoenix. ___________________________________________________________________ Secondary theme ___________________________________________________________________ River Thames River Thames at night. Glass sheet. Wind whooshing through trees. Silence. Waves crashing. ___________________________________________________________________ Commentary ___________________________________________________________________ I suppose I was feeling sombre earlier this week. Watching Schindlers List can do that to you I guess. I hesistated to use anything from that though... It'll be in a future writing thread... possibly. Anyways most of this was written, tossed away, edited, whatever, sitting with friends, family around the River Thames, near Tower Bridge, along St Kathrines dock if you've been. The haiku was a walk back home late at night. In both of these poems I started of with this image of a golden phoenix diving/splashing through the cold waters of the River Thames at night. Couldn't make it work or say something but it's a lovely image, I think. Feel free to use it... ps. Yes, Ashes, my username is -amongst other things- somewhat related to golden phoenixes, so I was always going to write about them when the topic was selected but the poem is really not biographical, because it can apply to a lot of people, I think...
Last edited by Ashes1396; 07-10-2010 at 05:53 AM.
|
|
Member
(07-10-2010, 10:46 AM)
|
#42
Ok, here's all the entries for this week - thanks to everyone who submitted a piece or two :)
hey_monkey - Untitled Irish - B Covers Bread As Well umop_3pisdn - Cellular Matrix Dresden - Galactic Trooper Cyan - Untitled goldlion054 - The Abandoned Neighborhood AnkitT - Be Pee ZephyrFate - Niche in the Canyon Bootaaay - Nimbus Watching Bootaaay - Crocodile Tears kid ness - Somewhere a World Ashes1396 - Golden Phoenix Ashes1398 - River Thames Alarif - Untitled Voting reminder: * Vote for your favourite poems. * Voters should award first, second and third places to their favourite three poems. First place is allocated three points. Second place is allocated two points. And third place is allocated one point. *Don't vote for the same author twice. *You must vote to win. *You don't have to enter a poem to vote. You should get your votes in by: Sunday, July 11th, 2010 at 11:59pm, Pacific. |
|
Member
(07-11-2010, 12:09 AM)
|
#43
Critiques
hey_monkey - google buzz? or a youtube hit? That's the closest I got to what digital spunk means without getting dirty. Seems a bit too suggestive if it isn't sexual to be honest. Irish - Trouble making a sandwich or a metaphor for something more I couldn't quite tell, but I like the simplicity of it, even if I didn't think the last line meshed with the first two. umop_3pisdn - surreal so far as I didn't know what size you were referring to. I guessed anywhere from a single cell to the entire universe and the making of Earth in between. Though I'd hazard an attempt that it was at a cellular level, :). There was a lot of creating and birth vibes going on. Dresden - It was quite a trip. Have no idea how it related back to galactic troopers. :lol Cyan - Wry, to the point and vivid. I liked it, even if the last line needs a bit of work. goldlion054 - Another one I liked. I'd suggest replacing 'but' with 'yet'. AnkitT -The third line needs work, not really sure how I'd do it though. That line feels as if it was thrown together. ZephyrFate - Most surreal poem so far. Some really nice images, especially: one single parcel of light. Bootaaay - I loved what I was seeing and the "'ice cream' cool waves" was a nice touch. An abrupt end though it does grow on you. Bootaaay - Tell it straight why don't you? it was okay I thought. Not necessarily cliche or anything but just okay. kid ness - I thought this was wonderful even if the last stanza made little sense to me. Why ask that question? I was asking my self. Alarif - smh for bit after the immediate reaction of: lol. On reflection I realized how this was a comment on procrastination, intentional or other wise. Nicely done. Votes 1. kid ness - Somewhere a World 2. Bootaaay - Nimbus Watching 3. Alarif - untitled There were quite a few decent poems this week. ps. Nimbus: I thought was cloud watching. But now I'm thinking... of course... Nimbus 2000. Huh!
Last edited by Ashes1396; 07-11-2010 at 12:18 AM.
|
|
Member
(07-11-2010, 02:09 AM)
|
#44
Originally Posted by Ashes1396:
|
|
Member
(07-11-2010, 10:31 AM)
|
#46
hey_monkey - I like this one, it reads like the life of a celebrity sex tape uploaded to the internet.
Irish - nice haiku, although I feel like the question should be at the start, also before reading your explanation I thought you were bemoaning the lack of mayo, not the other way round :D umop_3pisdn - this one has some nice imagery, I especially liked the phrase 'bruise until it festers pattern'. Dresden - it was certainly surreal, but I didn't quite know what to make of it. Cyan - clever and topical ;) goldlion054 - nice work, but there's something off about the last line imo. AnkitT - also clever and topical, I really like the last line. ZephyrFate - I like this, very surreal with some great imagery. The shift in focus was somewhat abrubt, but it works well. kid ness - this one just seems to flow effortlessly, really enjoyed it. Ashes1396 - Golden Phoenix - nice attempt at a double haiku (although, the middle line of the second half has a syllable too many), but I didn't really like the use of 'whence' & 'thence'. Ashes1396 - River Thames - out of all the haikus submitted, this is the one that reads most like what i'd expect a haiku to sound like. Alarif - heh, that's something i'm sure most can certainly relate to. Votes 1. kid ness - Somewhere a World 2. ZephyrFate - Niche in the Canyon 3. Ashes1396 - River Thames
Originally Posted by Ashes1396:
|
|
Member
(07-12-2010, 02:11 AM)
|
#47
hey_monkey - Untitled : "Digital Spunk" is a really great combination of words. and I love the "splash!" you used at the end.
Irish - B Covers Bread As Well - Very witty! I can relate man, mayo is disgusting. :lol umop_3pisdn - Cellular Matrix - I really like your sense of description. You painted those images really well. Dresden - Galactic Trooper - Awesome. It was really trippy, and really fit the theme well. I liked it a lot. Cyan - Untitled - Sorry man, I didn't really get it. goldlion054 - The Abandoned Neighborhood - A sweet, to the point haiku. Really like the story you could tell in three lines. AnkitT - Be Pee - I really enjoyed this one. Dealing with politics creatively is something I struggle with, so it's inspiring to see someone do it so well. Thumbs up. ZephyrFate - Niche in the Canyon - Another one I really enjoyed. This was so vivid and imaginative. Bootaaay - Nimbus Watching - Very, very good. You're such a good writer. You're one of the few that didn't rhyme in a non-haiku, but it flowed really, really well. Bootaaay - Crocodile Tears - I really like this. I don't know how to critique it, because there's no way to make it better. Keep it up! Ashes1396 - Golden Phoenix - Nice images. Really made me think after I read it. Thanks! Ashes1398 - River Thames - Nice haiku! Made me feel like I was in a forest. Alarif - Untitled - Haha, it's hard to keep up with these submission deadlines. Don't worry bud, next time. Votes: 1- ZephyrFate - "Niche in the Canyon" 2- Bootaaay - "Nimbus Watching" 3- AnkitT - "Be Pee" You know, it was really hard to critique everybody's poem this week; everything was so good! This might be the best lot of poems yet. Really good stuff, folks. Great idea for a theme Bootaaay! EDIT: We all came here for videogames, but we stay for something else. :D
Last edited by kid ness; 07-12-2010 at 02:36 AM.
|
|
Member
(07-12-2010, 02:28 AM)
|
#48
Originally Posted by Bootaaay:
My votes: 1. kid ness - Somewhere a World- really good, i liked the imagery i was getting from it. 2. Boootaaay- Crocodile Tears- simple, effective, and easily relatable. Good stuff 3. Dresden- Galactic Trooper- thought it really embodied the theme, as weird and out there it was |
|
Member
(07-12-2010, 02:46 AM)
|
#49
Missed the deadline. Oh well, I'll post mine anyway.
The Hunt(er/ed) Dim lights beat down on me like desert sun Unrelenting, its light adds a yellow tint to the room, Ensuring that nothing escapes its unflinching gaze. A test of endurance Not for the lights But for my thoughts Thoughts running out by the second Brain racking through memories, ideas, plans In a vain attempt to seek stimulus from the inside Crumpled paper A tissue blows across the floor Pushed by the man-made winds The closest sign of life under these fluorescent lights. 5 4 3 2 1 Crumpled paper’s head start was not utilized well Descending from my chair, Slowly slithering towards my prey It rolls away with the rhythm of the vents’ dead breezes. Pounce Conquering this desolate land in which I am the last living being Life at the top no longer exists The last remaining hunter and the last remaining prey One in the same. My brain attacks Searching again desperately for sensation. Something, to suddenly appear To widen eyes and focus thoughts And remove the roadblock of time. Time The one thing changing in this wasteland And the only thing I cannot observe. |
