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Purple Drazi
(06-27-2011, 10:35 PM)
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The NeoGAF Poetry Corner - Challenge #29: War
#1
The NeoGAF Poetry Corner - Challenge #29: War
[IMG]http://i56.************/23r4aw9.png[/IMG] Theme: War From Wikipedia: War is a state of armed and often prolonged conflict carried on between states, nations, or other parties typified by extreme aggression, societal disruption, and high mortality. War generally involves two or more organized groups or parties. Such a conflict is always an attempt at altering either the psychological or material hierarchy of domination or equality between such groups. In all cases, at least one participant (group) in the conflict perceives the need to either psychologically or materially dominate the other participant. An absence of war is usually called peace. Secondary Objective: Narrative poetry/epics. An epic is a lengthy narrative poem, ordinarily concerning a serious subject containing details of heroic deeds and events significant to a culture or nation. Whilst this is merely optional, and I highly doubt anyone (including me) would enforce the secondary objective, if you would like some guidelines then here you go: Epics tend to open in medias res. The setting is often vast, covering many nations, the world or the universe. They start with a statement of the theme and includes the use of epithets. Divine intervention on human affairs is quite common and they usually detail "Star" heroes that embody the values of the civilization. Poetry thread Rules version 1.2: 1. This thread is not merely for winning or losing, but for critiquing and improving your own craft. 2. This poetry thread 'contest' will end on a Friday, and voting will last until Sunday at midnight. You cannot win unless you vote. Although you don't have to submit a piece to vote. 3. The winner must then provide the next challenge theme for the following two week period. Some weeks like during E3, this may not be possible, so we will have an interim one week period until normality is resumed. As a general rule, we like to keep this on the alternate week to the Creative Writing Thread. 4. There are no word count limits, make it as long or as short as you want. 5. Optional secondary objectives are not mandatory, you can include them or not. 6. Further addition to rule five: you can also try the secondary objective as a secondary piece. Just make sure you label it as such. 7. Vote for your favourite poems. Voters should award first, second and third places to their favourite three poems. Don't vote for the same author twice. And watch out for pieces that are labeled ineligible - comments on these pieces labelled as such are welcome but you just can't vote for them. Incidentally, feel free to vote even if you haven't submitted a piece - the more the merrier :) 8. During the count, First place is allocated three points. Second place is allocated two points. And third place is allocated one point. 9. In the event of a tie, the tally will be counted again with first place being allocated three and half points. If it isn't resolved then, it will be up to the OP (most likely the previous winner) to decide to how to go about things. 10. Winner gets a round of applause and will have the records stating it as such. After which Rule 3 is in effect and we start a new thread. Submission Deadline: Friday, July 8th at 11:59 PM (PST)  Voting Deadline: Sunday, July 10th at 11:59 PM (PST)  --- The NeoGAF Poetry Society: Previous Challenges: Poetry Challenge #01: Reflection Poetry Challenge #02: Making the Blind See (+ 5W poems) Poetry Challenge #03: Interior (+ Incorporate a song or album title) Poetry Challenge #04: History (+ Dream Song poems) Poetry Challenge #05: A View From Afar or Within (+ Clerihew poems) Poetry Challenge #06: The Surreal and the Fantastical (+ Haikus) Poetry Challenge #07: Expectations versus Reality (+ Ode) Poetry Challenge #08: Mirror's Edge (+ Rhymes) Poetry Challenge #09: Look on the Bright Side (+ poem must end with _________________ as it's last line) Poetry Challenge #10: Obsolete (+ Ink) Poetry Challenge #11: Pride (+ Kanye West) Poetry Challenge #12: Passing By (+ Allegory) Poetry Challenge #13: Take this Society (+ Ballards) Poetry Challenge #14: The Dark (+ Add Zombies to taste) Poetry Challenge #15: The Great Winter (+ Elegy) Poetry Challenge #16: What Nature Reclaims (+ Lay) Poetry Challenge #17: Storm Clouds Rising (+ First Person) Poetry Challenge #18: The Phoenix (+ Enjambment) Poetry Challenge #19: Psychopomps (+ Assonance) Poetry Challenge #20: Death in the Family (+ Limericks) Poetry Challenge #21: A Night on the Town (+ Didactic Poems) Poetry Challenge #22: A Letter to the World (+ Inside Outside Poetry) Poetry Challenge #23: The Blues Poetry Challenge #24: Space, Above & Beyond (+ Prose Poetry) Poetry Challenge #25: Futurism (+ Avoid Technology) Poetry Challenge #26: Prove You Exist (+Lyrical Poetry) Poetry Challenge #27: Love, Happiness, Peace, Summer & Pixar! (+ Couplets) Poetry Challenge #28: Dying Earth (+ Blank Verse) |
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Member
(06-28-2011, 12:26 AM)
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#5
Hmm, real vast theme here. And funnily enough, it might just be the first one I haven't had an initial idea for. I'm drawing blanks. :(
e: Wha? That banner is awesome man. You're already better than me in that regard, haha. I didn't even have one for the thread I put together.
Last edited by Miizy F Baby; 06-28-2011 at 12:35 AM.
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Member
(07-06-2011, 04:47 PM)
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#11
Oh crap, I'm talking to my self. :(
Oh well, I'll look back on this thread in a couple of years time and laugh at how uncool I am. lol On my journeys, looking for war related poems, I've found a fair few. But, and I give a fully fortified disclosure here, I really kind of like Coldplay's Viva La Vida. Yeah laugh at the Cold Play fan. And I like this cover: http://youtu.be/XbcG6IsX3HE Coldplay Viva La Vida lyrics Songwriters: GUY BERRYMAN, CHRISTOPHER A. MARTIN, JON BUCKLAND, WILL CHAMPION I used to rule the world Seas would rise when I gave the word Now in the morning I sleep alone Sweep the streets I used to own I used to roll the dice Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes Listen as the crowd would sing "Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!" One minute I held the key Next the walls were closed on me And I discovered that my castles stand Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing Roman Cavalry choirs are singing Be my mirror, my sword and shield My missionaries in a foreign field For some reason I can't explain Once you go there was never Never an honest word And that was when I ruled the world It was the wicked and wild wind Blew down the doors to let me in Shattered windows and the sound of drums People couldn't believe what I'd become Revolutionaries wait For my head on a silver plate Just a puppet on a lonely string Oh who would ever want to be king? I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing Roman Cavalry choirs are singing Be my mirror, my sword and shield My missionaries in a foreign field For some reason I can't explain I know Saint Peter won't call my name Never an honest word But that was when I ruled the world I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing Roman Cavalry choirs are singing Be my mirror, my sword and shield My missionaries in a foreign field For some reason I can't explain I know Saint Peter won't call my name Never an honest word But that was when I ruled the world Viva La Vida lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group [ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/c/coldpl...a-lyrics.html] |
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Member
(07-07-2011, 07:17 AM)
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#15
Originally Posted by Neutrality:
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Member
(07-07-2011, 12:37 PM)
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#16
Sorry to hear that brother... I agree with miri...
I lost my father when I was pretty young... Feel free to pm me if you want to talk... Take it easy for a while... Edit: I think I wrote "brevity of life" in my dad's memory, earlier this year... It's not very good, but there you go...
Last edited by Ashes1396; 07-07-2011 at 12:41 PM.
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Member
(07-08-2011, 11:11 AM)
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#17
__________________________
Death likes War _____________ Sitting atop a fallen helicopter, floating along the blue sea, watching the town burning in the wind, my sense of awe is shook, my eyes bulge with blood. Horror is mixed with misery, as fragments of a fighter jet, shot out of the red sky, still in flames, rides along the waves with me, sharks on either side. Death likes War, like Life loves Love. War is like Death, like Peace is like Love. I hear the wail of a child crying, as she too looks faraway, in her pale yellow dust stained dress, searching for the safety of her mother's quiet arms. Thunderstorms rage through the ocean behind us, the waves are carrying us there, and we can do nothing, but let ourselves be caught up in the maelstrom. _____________ __________________________
Last edited by Ashes1396; 07-08-2011 at 11:33 AM.
Reason: *I should've mentioned that this is dedicated it to whoever feels the world is closing in on them
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Member
(07-09-2011, 01:22 AM)
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#18
Bloodied and Torn
They sang their songs prettily enough, down on their way to the boats with locks of lavender tied, twining about their arms. Fresh, summer boys with smiles on their faces and dreams of glory bright in their eyes. The wives and mothers stood, tightly holding back tears while the children stared, some in wide eyed wonder, some in fear as their fathers sailed away. The old men looked on impassively for they had the truth of it. Many of their sons were there, lining bravely on to the boats, but not so many would return, and those that did would be boys no longer, bloodied and torn by the realities of war. Also, if anyone cares to read it I turned the poem I scrapped into a short, short story; http://www.tidypub.org/phoNv. And very sorry to hear about your father Neutrality, my condolences :( |
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shoot bullets from her arse
(07-09-2011, 07:00 AM)
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O Musician
#23
Arise, musician, and play,
So that we may hear the music It was the comfort of the anointed, The relief and strength of the appointed. Now it is the breaker of thrones, And the maker of Kings, The digger and plier of bones. For whom did you weep on the Mount, Whose dead was grieved in the count? In Ephraim was the striking of spears, And the hewing of swords, As songs to beget tears? Plucking you your harp of war, Weaving music for the threshing floor. The men of Hebron are sealed up there, And their voices sing no longer, Musicians broken as strings once fair. Arise, musician, and play, So that we may hear the music Rising and rising to the ear of heaven, Inspire it love or loathing? |
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Member
(07-09-2011, 07:06 AM)
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#24
Fallen Angels Felled
Cold and callous winds caress the backs of falling angels; Those who let the devil taint their eyes. His words sounded friendly, Calming, At times, even motivational, But their wings couldn't withstand the weight of their hearts as they turned to ice.
Last edited by Miizy F Baby; 07-10-2011 at 02:10 AM.
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Member
(07-09-2011, 11:46 AM)
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#25
Here's the entries for this week;
Death Likes War by Ashes1396 Bloodied & Torn by Bootaaay Glorious Field by Tim the Wiz O Musician by Botolf Fallen Angels Felled by Miri Get voting people! |
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Junior Member
(07-09-2011, 04:29 PM)
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Tempered
#28
Fire ignites
A light spark Sets to torch An enmity To knead one’s fellow man Into dew’s mourning glory Devourer of Worlds I hunger Cradle of Gaia I sleep For as the Ironmen temper their steel So do I sharpen my soul For what the blade bends The soul tears asunder |
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Member
(07-11-2011, 02:47 AM)
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#32
Death Likes War - this feels a bit stilted at the start, but the second half is much stronger and there's some great imagery too, 'mother's quiet arms' I especially liked.
Glorious Field - excellent imagery and tone in this one and well paced for the most part, really enjoyed it. O Musician - wonderfully written, and great imagery too, 'weaving music for the threshing floor' is an excellent line but I feel the last line was lacking, or that it needed an additional line. Fallen Angels Felled - short and to the point and great language as usual, I really like the last line, 'motivational' doesn't sound right to me though. Tempered - this one ends very strongly, and I liked some of the language in the beginning, 'dew's mourning glory' especially. And welcome, hope to see you enter future challenges :) 1. Tim the Wiz 2. Botolf 3. Ashes1396 HM; Miri
Last edited by Bootaaay; 07-11-2011 at 03:09 AM.
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Member
(07-11-2011, 04:43 AM)
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#34
Bootaaay - I think it was a little too unoriginal, waving off the boys etc,. Why would old men be grim and their sons happy and joyful? Very few soldiers sing their way onto boats in the way you put it. I mean, if they're marching to war.. Though that might just be fault of mine. Maybe I read one too many ww1/ww2 diaries, letters recently, of wartime itself, and not when they are leaving for it. And I feel a little bit torn, because the poem, prose wise, is pretty decent, usage of lavender etc,. that story did help me enjoy the poem though. Really nice touch. A bit torn, sorry.
Tim the wiz - I struggled with my interpretations on a few counts... E.g. whores were wearing wives clothes: I guessed that you meant that they, the soldiers, had replaced their wives with prossies, but why that is at the forefront of the poem, I didn't get... I liked the last part, even if vultures are cliche, I think it worked well enough. The creativity was there, but again, like bootaaay, a bit torn, sorry. Botolf - Very nice rhythm, and the way it rolls off the tongue with some good imagery and word choices. Started losing it on line 16, and just faltered, which I think, given the evidence of the rest of the poem, is a shame really. Decent stuff overall, good to have you back. Miri - first two lines don't gel together so well, but I liked the way everything came together in the end. Some epic imagery but with a twist... Cool stuff. Gibson - pretty cool piece; a little too melodramatic, but Fun stuff. Hope we see you a little earlier next time. 1. Miri 2. Bootaaay 3. Tim the wiz Edit: sorry about typos; not on pc... |
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Member
(07-11-2011, 07:59 AM)
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#37
I'll roll back through here when I can think up complete crits. I'll leave little snippets for now.
1. Tim the Wiz - Such incredible bits of wording here. I'm jealous. 2. Bootaaay - The way you work emotion into a piece with imagery is almost unparalleled in this thread, and it was definitely present here. 3. Ashes - You went all out on the image this time, and it's a beautifully dark one at that, but the subtlety wasn't there, imo. Finding that balance is hard, when trying to portray a scene so incredibly hopeless, definitely. HM: Botolf - The wording is very strong, but I feel as if I'm missing most of its meaning. That may be because I'm tired and it's not immediately visible, but even then... I was struggling to find a good concept to roll with on this one, so I decided to go with a concept that I could compress into as little lines as possible, getting it done faster. I'll probably try it again.
Last edited by Miizy F Baby; 07-11-2011 at 08:04 AM.
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Member
(07-11-2011, 12:47 PM)
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#38
Originally Posted by Bootaaay:
Originally Posted by Miri:
Yeah, I was trying something different. Just been picking up on things from poets, artists etc, and was trying to provoke an epic scene, with scale in the background, and human tragedy in the fore, and some philosophical ideas embedded in between, and symbolic colours here and there. I'm an amateur at that, as you saw this week, so hopefully, it's onwards and upwards. I think it'll make for a powerful painting, I'd love to see someone try and draw it. Actually, any of the poems this week would make for a decent painting. Fallen angels/musicians/waving off soldiers/epic battlefield with vultures circling... Good stuff. Results up shortly... |
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Member
(07-11-2011, 01:09 PM)
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#39
_____________________________
Results __________ 1. Tim the Wiz - 12 pts 2. Bootaaay - 11 pts Two front runners this week ... Congrats Tim the Wiz! We have (for the third time in our short history) someone who has won both the Poetry Thread and Creative Writing Thread in the same cycle! Whatever is spurring you on, keeping drinking that stuff bro. The results in full 1. Tim the Wiz - 12 pts 2. Bootaaay - 11 pts 3. Ashes1396 - 05 pts 4. Botolf - 04 pts 4. Miri - 04 pts A big thank you to everyone who put the time and effort into entering an entry, reading, providing crits & comments, and voting. Thanks also go to Bootaaay for updating the op template & the Alumni Archive. And Cyan for posting this thread on Neutrality's behalf. And on that note, I wanted to wish condolences to Neutrality's family & friends... R.I.P father of Neutrality. |
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Member
(07-11-2011, 01:50 PM)
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#40
Congrats Tim :)
Originally Posted by Ashes1396:
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Member
(07-11-2011, 02:08 PM)
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#41
Originally Posted by Bootaaay:
I enjoyed your poem, I really did, but it felt a little off, a little naive on what motivations it was portraying, to whom. Compare it with your story, and see how in that example, the mc moved with the reader from the same level. First kill is a cliche, but you demonstrated the experience through the character so well. Well at least for me. |
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Member
(07-11-2011, 02:32 PM)
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#42
Originally Posted by Ashes1396:
Originally Posted by Ashes1396:
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shoot bullets from her arse
(07-11-2011, 02:36 PM)
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#43
Congrats! :)
Originally Posted by Ashes1396:
Originally Posted by Miri:
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Member
(07-11-2011, 04:59 PM)
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#47
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