[OrangeGrayBlue]

That is just wishful thinking and only apply to a certain percentage of people not to everyone. If I lived to 100 nothing would be better heck things will probably get even worse than they are now. There is no wonder in that just pain.

I went back through a few pages but couldn't find a post from you as to why you feel the way you do. Would you be alright with sharing some of your reasons with me? I'm curious as to why you feel this way.

[Xzeon]

it won't.

i will still hope that it does.

i wish i was rich, i would just travel the world and hang with people. i would hang with you and would buy you shit and pay for you to have your own apartment or something.

but all i can do i talk to you, if you wanna talk, PM me or find me on Facebook or something.

[astroturfing]

Dealing with depression and people with depression should be a part of educational curriculums, damn. Some of you people really think suicide is selfish? What warped suicide fantasies are you envisioning? There isn't just one single reason people kill themselves. It's not simply about 'escape.' Much of the time they believe the world would be better off without them. They believe offing themselves is a service. Deprecating suicidal people is the absolute worst thing you can do. That's selfish. It's nothing more than a dick waving display of self righteousness. You are saying 'you are a bad person' or 'I am better than you are.' Congratulations on your masturbatory ego boost, ace.

yeah, we who aren't suicidal can never REALLY know how it feels to be like that. i wouldn't pretend to truly understand... but i have to try!

also while i don't think suicide is a 100% selfish act, you have to admit that sometimes there IS a slight component of selfishness in it. mainly the mode of thinking that YOU know for sure that things can't get better. you just simply cannot know for sure. we shouldn't shy away from pointing that out, i think.

but yeah, it's not cool to just dismiss it when people say they really want to die. i believe them when they say it. but they should also understand that they are not all-knowing, not even when it concerns their own feelings or their own future. not even if they've already suffered for 20 or 30 years or whatever the case may be. it is ALWAYS possible to change brain functions, as long as you are alive.

i will never say a bad word about anyone who ended their own life though. i feel nothing but sympathy, and a will to understand.

[Baggatoast]

Well, since I turned 19, my girlfriend of 1 1/2 years broke up with me because I flunked out of my first semester at college, I bummed around with my friends for a while. Recently, I moved in with my parents who have a grudge against me for being an atheist. I'm $20,000 dollars in debt thanks to student loans and I'm having a hard time finding a job but there is one thing that has brought a lot of light into my life.
One man.
Mr. Rogers

[KevinCow]

Kevin, you are a normal looking dude. ... You are not ugly man, just out of shape.

How would you know?

I mean it's a nice thought that I'm not ugly, just out of shape.

But come on. We both know that there are people in this world who are just unfortunately ugly. How can you say with such certainty that I'm not one of them?

[2San]

I have played with the thought, but never seriously. My life is pretty decent, but when I factor in troubles of my parents and my brother. It just gets to me sometimes. I should start living on my own, but it isn't really a financial smart move atm(fuck me for failing my exams). Leaving my parents on their own kinda feels heartless as well(my dad is pretty old is getting all kinds pains and illnesses and my mom has been sick for a while now). So I'm not even sure what I'll do even when I'm done with my education.

[neojubei]

I went back through a few pages but couldn't find a post from you as to why you feel the way you do. Would you be alright with sharing some of your reasons with me? I'm curious as to why you feel this way.

Just too much to go into right now and if i think about most of it i would really get too depressed.

i will still hope that it does. i wish i was rich, i would just travel the world and hang with people. i would hang with you and would buy you shit and pay for you to have your own apartment or something. but all i can do i talk to you, if you wanna talk, PM me or find me on Facebook or something.

I'd would just say save your money and spend it on some orphan kids in some 3rd world countries. I am not worth the effort. my hell is my own.

How would you know? I mean it's a nice thought that I'm not ugly, just out of shape. But come on. We both know that there are people in this world who are just unfortunately ugly. How can you say with such certainty that I'm not one of them?

I should know I am one of them. ugly inside and out. never had a date and never will.

[reggie]

Dealing with depression and people with depression should be a part of educational curriculums, damn. Some of you people really think suicide is selfish? What warped suicide fantasies are you envisioning? There isn't just one single reason people kill themselves. It's not simply about 'escape.' Much of the time they believe the world would be better off without them. They believe offing themselves is a service. Deprecating suicidal people is the absolute worst thing you can do. That's selfish. It's nothing more than a dick waving display of self righteousness. You are saying 'you are a bad person' or 'I am better than you are.' Congratulations on your masturbatory ego boost, ace. Comparing life experiences like you're trying to prove you're the bigger person is so childish. 'I've lived through some shit and never thought of suicide HARUMPH' arms folded chest puffed out my what a man you are. You sound like a kid arguing about who's taller. Suffering is relative. Depression is not simply a state of mind or selfish escape, it is a real and measurable thing. It is a chemical imbalance.

Beautiful fucking post. I agree completely.

[OrangeGrayBlue]

How would you know? I mean it's a nice thought that I'm not ugly, just out of shape. But come on. We both know that there are people in this world who are just unfortunately ugly. How can you say with such certainty that I'm not one of them?

Whether you are or aren't is irrelevant. I have a great deal of admiration for plenty of people that would generally be considered ugly...

Kevin Smith


Bill Gates


Louis CK


Nina Simone


The list goes on. You don't need to look like Adonis to do what ever it may be that you want to do during your life.

[Razek]

I can't help but feel the currently toxic nature of education, debt, and expectations are contributing to how people feel.

Seriously, some people are just not compatible for a cut-throat world. In humanities future, we need some serious restructuring.

How would you know? I mean it's a nice thought that I'm not ugly, just out of shape. But come on. We both know that there are people in this world who are just unfortunately ugly. How can you say with such certainty that I'm not one of them?

Beauty is subjective. You are not qualified to make such a once all statement about yourself.

[Downhome]

KevinCow, I sent you a PM.

[Xzeon]

Just too much to go into right now and if i think about most of it i would really get too depressed. I'd would just say save your money and spend it on some orphan kids in some 3rd world countries. I am not worth the effort. my hell is my own. I should know I am one of them. ugly inside and out. never had a date and never will.

naw see i would be like super rich, i would help them too.

[POWERSPHERE]

Living is hard work. Living well even harder, but the payoff is in getting things done and accomplishments. It's the hardest thing in the world sometimes, but the more you accomplish, the better life is. Whether thats exersizing, making music, starting a business, being a really good positive person to others, or just following your dreams. I feel like a big fucking broke loser most of the time but I fight myself constantly to not let it beat me, and to fight to live a life I want. An ethical, passionate life doing exactly what I think I should be doing.

And sometimes the greatest solice comes from KNOWING you ARE going to die. All of the fuckwits of the world, all of the problems, all of the evil acts, they will all disappear some day. So why not try to live as long and as well as possible because at the end of the day, it makes no difference to anyone else if you don't. You are the entirety of life at every moment whilst you're alive. That's amazing!!

[.GqueB.]

No don't do it noooo

[akira28]

Sometimes.

I like to imagine a big rectangular grey button with the word 'Reset' printed on it in red letters.

[Xzeon]

I can't help but feel the currently toxic nature of education, debt, and expectations are contributing to how people feel. Seriously, some people are just not compatible for a cut-throat world. In humanities future, we need some serious restructuring. Beauty is subjective. You are not qualified to make such a once all statement about yourself.

thats why i dropped out and have people expect nothing out of me.

fuck school, fuck work.

worthless leech till the day i die, the sum of my existence.

someone email me a pizza roll.

[coldvein]

way too many of these threads recently. stop typing on the computer and go get help.

[CrankyJay]

way too many of these threads recently.

yeah, but on the other hand it's good if people are speaking out and asking for help instead of being quiet about it.

[.GqueB.]

way too many of these threads recently. stop typing on the computer and go get help.

Pretty much my feelings on the whole thing (hence my response above). You're not gonna get any significant help on an message board. We don't know your situation and we can't help you in any way that's going to change anything in the long run. Talk to someone that can actually weigh in on what's going on in your life.

anyway go ahead and tell me how much of a loser i am for making this stupid thread and being fat and ugly and a 24 year old virgin and how selfish and stupid i am for being depressed and thinking of killing myself, i know you guys are pretty good at that and enjoy doing it

And fuck you. Last time someone tried to do this, GAF fucking called the dudes mom. GAF cares.

[Finaika]

A lot.

[Baggatoast]

It's a good thing you guys asked GAF and not another board or 4-chan.
At least people here are considerate (with exception).
At least, even though it's about video games, you are part of a community that will show concern for you.
If GAF hasn't shown its members some kind of real love, I don't know what love is.

[Neuromancer]

I don't think you're a loser, KevinCow.

[cheststrongwell]

How would you know? I mean it's a nice thought that I'm not ugly, just out of shape. But come on. We both know that there are people in this world who are just unfortunately ugly. How can you say with such certainty that I'm not one of them?

I have seen a picture of you. You are not ugly, pretty average looking. Most people think they are uglier than they really are.

[Razek]

way too many of these threads recently. stop typing on the computer and go get help.

These threads are a healthy and often first step for people. It's much better than bottling it up. There are many depressed people that would never seek help without some nudging. This is a great way for them to get a bit of a push while obtaining some outside perspective.

yeah, but on the other hand it's good if people are speaking out and asking for help instead of being quiet about it.

Gaf is an easy place to let some steam out. For the most part, the community here is tame and supportive. I support people asking for advice and letting loose now and again.

Pretty much my feelings on the whole thing (hence my response above). You're not gonna get any significant help on an message board. We don't know your situation and we can't help you in any way that's going to change anything in the long run. Talk to someone that can actually weigh in on what's going on in your life.

Who says? A lot of my therapy started here.

[bangladesh]

Watch Kenny vs Spenny

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DzwvPU_1a0E

[Finaika]

I have seen a picture of you. You are not ugly, pretty average looking.

Even that is true, I don't think people will feel happy when you say they're average looking.

[Interfectum]

How would you know? I mean it's a nice thought that I'm not ugly, just out of shape. But come on. We both know that there are people in this world who are just unfortunately ugly. How can you say with such certainty that I'm not one of them?

You are way off the mark here.

Unless you have a gross deformity (missing half your face, nose, jaw, no teeth, etc) you are not 'ugly' by society's standards.

Will you be able to pick up that hot blonde at the bar that looks like Scarlett Johansson? Maybe, maybe not. Your confidence has more to do with your success/lack of success than your looks.

[coldvein]

Even that is true, I don't think people will feel happy when you say they're average looking.

he looks like fucking brad pitt. no one has ever been as sexy as kevin cow.

[cheststrongwell]

Even that is true, I don't think people will feel happy when you say they're average looking.

I mean average as in normal looking. If I saw him walking down the street, I wouldn't think, "Man, that's one ugly SOB"

[Aguirre]

uhm wow. just left gaf open to get something to eat, came back to my mom sitting on the pc, reading this thread.

she looked at me worryingly, and tried to give me the talk.

i tried to explain that this is a gaming forum not some suicide help line, and that all types of topics pop up.

i think she actually thinks im having suicidal thoughts w.t.f man

[KevinCow]

way too many of these threads recently. stop typing on the computer and go get help.

Pretty much my feelings on the whole thing (hence my response above). You're not gonna get any significant help on an message board. We don't know your situation and we can't help you in any way that's going to change anything in the long run. Talk to someone that can actually weigh in on what's going on in your life.

wow what good advice why didn't i think of that before

you might think the countless doctors i've seen and the countless medications i've been on might fall under the umbrella of "seeking help" but apparently not

what is this help that you guys speak of that will magically fix me when i seek it

maybe i made this thread because i needed to vent a little bit because every attempt to seek help or make progress throughout my life has ended in failure and i'm fucking sick of it, and sharing my thoughts with anyone i know in real life has a high probability of getting me locked up in a loony bin

And fuck you. Last time someone tried to do this, GAF fucking called the dudes mom. GAF cares.

Sure, maybe they won't say it directly to me. But I know how people really are. The supportive people in this thread are the minority. The rest of GAF won't say what they're really thinking because they might get banned. And we still have posts like this:

This seems like a thread straight from 4chan. You're luckly we aren't on 4chan, because Im pretty sure i'd get banned if i say what i feel like saying.

But go ahead and look at any thread about fat or depressed people in general or guys who suck with girls to get an idea of what GAF really thinks about someone like me.

[astroturfing]

I can't help but feel the currently toxic nature of education, debt, and expectations are contributing to how people feel. Seriously, some people are just not compatible for a cut-throat world. In humanities future, we need some serious restructuring.

yep.. excellent point. i've always felt a very strong disdain against the highly competitive nature of today's world. ever since the first time we got graded in school.. felt like we as children were pitted against each other. there was bullying and jealousy etc against those who got higher grades. something about it just felt very "off" since day one. i never enjoyed getting good grades myself, when my friends got much lower grades and i could see the disappointment on their faces...

we tell ourselves that this "survival of the fittest" culture of hierarchies with bosses etc is unavoidable and the way things should always be but im not so sure... it wasnt that long ago when we lived in small hunter-gatherer societies with zero or minimal hierarchies, where everything was shared and those who wanted more than their fair share were ridiculed and ostracized. now it's suddenly almost the opposite. small children are encouraged to strive to be better than others, and even feel pride for it.. not entirely healthy in my opinion.

[coldvein]

ehh, nevermind..

[oxrock]

I think about suicide all the time, I don't think I'll ever actually do it though. I can't help but think it's a cowardly way out and I'm anything but a coward. So my sense of manliness keeps me dragging on suffering in this awful world. If you really feel so down on yourself and you're worthless then honestly you have nothing to lose. Leave your house and take chances. Talk to a pretty girl. What's she going to do, tell you that you're ugly? You think you're ugly already so wtf does it matter? She might dig fat pimple faced nerds, who the fuck knows. You might make a friend even, anything is possible. Go for a job, what do you have to lose. It's better to be rejected than to never try at all. People who coast by life leeching off society and their family/friends are pieces of shit unfit for life. Be sure to get yourself out of this category, you'll feel better about yourself. A lot of our self esteem comes from being independent. As for being bad poster.... I can't help you there. I say all sorts of strange off the wall things on gaf all the time. Honestly with the extreme political correctness going on I'm surprised anyone can post here. As long as you don't demean women in any possible way, stay clear of racist comments and don't post images obviously NSFW nothing too permanent should happen.

[Xzeon]

But go ahead and look at any thread about fat or depressed people in general or guys who suck with girls to get an idea of what GAF really thinks about someone like me.

well, fuck those hatin' mother fuckers then.

always gonna be assholes, hatin' on everyone.

if people want to just be negative and closed minded and bring others down, fuck em, cut em loose.

if someone wants to hate me cuz im fat, well then i woulndt wanna be around em anyway if thats how they think, fuck em.

if thats how the majority feels about fat people, then whatever, the majority can eat a dick, idgaf, im gonna live how i want, keep on drowning in your bitterness and mindless contempt.

most people just dont understand whats really going on with depressed people and dismiss complex issues as bein 'crazy' or 'just lazy' when really they have no idea, or are shallow idiots and dont care to really find out the details and just wanna feel superior.

fuck what other people think man, what do YOU think.

I think that you seem like a pretty rad dude.

theres 7 billion people on the planet, someone will date or fuck you, TRUST ME.

so many fetishes, someone will be down bro, dont worry lol.

[flippymittens]

i've been thinking about it a lot lately my life is kinda shit and i suck at everything and i'm sick of it... i probably don't actually have the balls to ever actually do it though cuz i don't have the balls to do fucking anything ... how about talking to that girl? nope, too much of a pussy to do that because she'll probably get mad at me and point out the fact that i'm fat and ugly and disgusting and boring and annoying and have no chance with any girl ever how about talking to anyone to try to make friends? nope, too much of a pussy to do that. i'm lucky that i stumbled into having a handful of friends right now by pure luck how about doing literally anything with your life at all? nope, because i might fail on account of i am a failure and i tend to fail at everything so instead i'm just gonna slowly eat everything and get fat to death i'm supposed to be getting some stomach surgery next month to help me lose weight because i'm such a failure that i can't lose weight on my own. they're supposed to cut off most of my stomach so i just have about the size of a banana left. but i'll probably fail at that too. i can barely fucking feed myself now, how can i expect to feed myself when i'm supposed to have a really specialized diet but i'm such a failure and an idiot that i can't even be grateful for this opportunity and meanwhile i'm just leeching money from my parents even though they're kinda broke too i don't even know why i'm posting this i'm just sick of everything and depressed those of you who manage to live your lives without being complete failures like me, you have no idea how jealous I am i mean i can't even be a decent fucking poster on gaf, and that's like the one thing i try to do i get stupid and emotional and defensive about stupid fucking words on my stupid fucking computer screen, and then i post stupid bullshit anyway go ahead and tell me how much of a loser i am for making this stupid thread and being fat and ugly and a 24 year old virgin and how selfish and stupid i am for being depressed and thinking of killing myself, i know you guys are pretty good at that and enjoy doing it

I am alot like you, you are not alone. The only difference is that I am skinny, have no friends and I apply to a ton of places but never get a job offer. I am ugly, dumb, etc. though. We just have to accept the uphill climb.

I wish you the best of luck in your surgery, I hope everything turns out okay and I am sure some other posters at GAF think the same (not sure though as I am pretty new here).

I would recommend walking or running if you have not tried those (can release endorphins that leave you happier, I can not really do cardio much because my back but it might help you).

To answer your question I have thought about killing myself alot and everything just confuses me. Alot of people think about killing themselves you are not alone.
Ignore the posters who will hate alot of people do not know what it is like and love to harass people online.

No shame in being an emotional poster online and imo that is a good thing that you actually care about what is said.

[Razek]

Sure, maybe they won't say it directly to me. But I know how people really are. The supportive people in this thread are the minority. The rest of GAF won't say what they're really thinking because they might get banned. And we still have posts like this: But go ahead and look at any thread about fat or depressed people in general or guys who suck with girls to get an idea of what GAF really thinks about someone like me.

An uneducated near worthless opinion from somebody who doesn't understand what mental illness can do to somebody.

Ignore posts like these.

[flippymittens]

An uneducated near worthless opinion from somebody who doesn't understand what mental illness can do to somebody. Ignore posts like these.

True but the funny thing is that most of the people doing this also condemn racism and sexism because it is the cool thing to do.

I would say to Mr. Kevin that he does not need to worry to much about the people who hate because the world is a very terrible place. He can take part in changing the world though and seems to have a good heart from his post.

[dionysus]

As a person who has had bad bouts of anxiety to the point of hospitalization, I know what it is to feel like you are uniquely cursed by whatever mental instability it is you suffer from. Though, I am not claiming some sort of equivalence. You could be in the top 1% of the scale that measures shitty life circumstances and shitty genetic predispositions to depression.

All that I can say is that for my experience it took good things happening to me to break the anxiety, leading to fear of anxiety causing anxiety, viscious cycle. And that is what is so dangerous about depression, one doesn't put oneself into situations where good things can happen.

Reading other people's stories in this thread, it appears I am not alone. What breaks the depressive cycle is positive things happening that stops the viscious cycle and can lead to a virtuous cycle.

That is why fear of failure is worse than failing. The fear of failure denies the opportunity for anything good to happen and thus almost guarantees the perpetuation of the depressive cycle.

I am not going to say that we have all been there, some people do fail more than others. But I do take comfort in this: everyone in this world fails more than they succeed. No one is batting over .500 no matter how blessed by looks, birth circumstances, luck, or whatever advantage they may have over you.

How many women did a guy wish to date before one agreed to date him? How often do guys fail to have the courage to even ask? Alot. 9 in 10 businesses end in failure. Job interviews end in rejection way more often than not.

[reggie]

Watch Kenny vs Spenny http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DzwvPU_1a0E

I used to love this show until the fakeness became too overwhelming in the later seasons.

[Ekklessia]

Dude, who care's if you are a little over weight, or if your what the world see's as "ugly".

Don't worry about what people think about you.

I don't know when, but someday you find a girl who will think that you are the coolest guy in the world.

I promise you that you will.

[MYE]

How would you know? I mean it's a nice thought that I'm not ugly, just out of shape. But come on. We both know that there are people in this world who are just unfortunately ugly. How can you say with such certainty that I'm not one of them?

Because ugliness is subjective and the way you look in the eyes of others is not just the result of your immediate physical appearance.

[FoxRomeo]

Oh boy, another one of these. People should really stop using this medium for therapy and take it to the real professionals.

My advice? Buck up. You're responsible for "fixing" yourself. No one can fix you because no one knows you better than yourself. You need to get yourself in balance. You're extremely off-centered and out of balance. That is because we as humans require more than food and water to be completely in harmony. We're spiritual as much as we are physical. Now spirituality is a hunger that people solve in many ways. Alot of people satisfy this desire religiously. Others satisfy this desire by taking part in something bigger than themselves. The most spiritually satisfying pursuit is volunteering your time to help others.

There are two benefits to doing this: 1) It makes you feel good. There is greater happiness in giving than there is in receiving. Try it. 2) It takes the focus off of you. When you're helping people, often folks who are more unfortunate than you are, you don't spend as much time focusing on yourself and your problems. Additionally, you say you have problems making friends? When you take time to volunteer and help others, friends come automatically. You'll not only befriend those you help, but you'll be friends with your fellow volunteers. When at least two people are working towards the same goal for the same reason, friendship is inevitable.

So you're living a selfish and self-centered existence and you're not happy. That's not a surprise. There are animals with just as much a meaningful existence as you right now. Problem is that you're not an animal. You need spiritual sustenance. You need to focus on something greater than yourself and everything else will fall into place--friendship, love, and happiness. You need to start looking up organizations and groups that need volunteers. If you're having problems losing weight, then you should do something that involves being physically active.

Or you can keep doing what you're doing and go to a physician who will just prescribe you some drugs and prolong and exacerbate your problems.

[vinicius]

I distinctly remember the day when I was 12, and I called all of my friends to see if they wanted to hang out, and nobody was available. Then at some point, I pieced together that one friend (the one friend who wasn't answering his phone) had thrown a party and intentionally invited everyone except for me. That was half my life ago and it still hurts to think about, and I'm still terrified that it'll happen again some day.

when I turned 15 my mother rent a car to get all my friends to a water park after school, my mother even called some of my friends' mothers to check if they'd go because we had to pay the tickets and rent the car.
Then no one showed up and I discovered an asshole made a party and invited everyone because he didn't like me. And most of the people went. On my birthday.

That got pissed for a few days but then I realized they were not my friends to begin with. I mean, seriously, it's not that "they're not worth to be your friends darling" but they were not my friends, plain as that. I had no friends on school and I got on with most of my life without having any friends. After that (or maybe earlier, since I dealt pretty well with that) I realized I didn't need any and that most people call themselves friends but they're not.

I kept going with my life and now I'm 24 and got only one friend. This feels sad but I'm really happy with my life right now because I'll get to spend the rest of my life with that one friend, my gf <3 it's fucking weird and probably seems a bit silly, but I got on with my life for what, 10 years, without having friends and now I can't live without her.


Thing is, she's got depression (and reads gaf, she's the one that showed me the thread) and says from time to time that she wants to kill herself. She's the only person I ever needed in my whole life and she want's to kill herself, it makes me feel so powerless with the only thing I care about that I'm pretty sure I'll also kill myself if she ever goes on with that. She know's this kills me inside and I know I should help her but this gets me so fucking sad that whenever we talk about it I just start crying and can't do shit to help her, then we end up both sad and she feels guilty. I'm kind of crying right now just from typing it lol. I wish I knew how to help :(

[TheDanger]

Remember that there's no afterlife or sense when you're dead, just nothingness.

How the fuck would you know that, maybe everything is perfect once you die.

[Tokubetsu]

Way too often.

[Az987]

Um lets see. I'm bipolar but 99% of the time I'm just depressed. I can bring myself out of it pretty good now but it'll be back within a day usually. I guess I might be rapid cycle bipolar, I don't know.

It gets hard for me though. Years of constantly thinking about how bad I wanted to die have left its mark on me to the point where even if I'm feeling fairly good when I drive by a gas station I'll suddenly get the thought of driving into the gas pump.

I'm not suicidal but its just I get these thoughts automatically at times.

If you see yourself as ugly then you should do something about it. Stop sitting on your ass all day and go work out. I'm sorry if thats harsh but I know what its like. For years I felt ugly as shit, I felt worthless, I felt like no one would ever love me because of the way I saw myself. So I worked out.

Well I still thought I was ugly but at least I felt good about myself in one area. Then I could look in the mirror and the negative thoughts were replaced with one positive thought about myself. Then I could tell myself more and more positive things and slowly start to believe them. That's not to say its a cure because its not for me at least.

I still feel generally worthless lol but at least I can look at myself in the mirror and be proud of something I did accomplish.

I would tell your therapist you are having thoughts of death but aren't suicidal. If he/she is a good therapist they'll know the difference and could help you work on it before you do become suicidal.

[alphaNoid]

Never thought about killing myself once in my entire life, I love life and have always been happy.

[Schweini]

Quite often nowadays, compared to the past years, where I'd never think of that in a million years, which says it all about my current life state.

[neojubei]

Remember that there's no afterlife or sense when you're dead, just nothingness. .

That's what I'm looking for. I have no attachments to anything or anyone here.