Directed by: Michael Bay
Written by: No one
Executively Produced by: the sellout Steven Spielberg
Score by: Steve Jablonsky
Release Date: June 21st 2017
Well:
Prepare your cheeks.
Here we are. All of us in this OT are likely the ones who keep fucking with this series with each installment only to be left disappointed, cold, and alone each time. Why do we keep doing this? Are we really such masochists to constantly endure horrible film adaptations of franchises we love? Do we REALLY need to see what happens in this Transformers flick as opposed to just leaving off after the third? Second? ...First? I don't even know what *really* happened in the fourth one (and no, no one can make sense of it) and apparently neither did critics (but they're too busy one-upping each other for our amusement, anyways). Just, whatever you do, don't let the fans handle the story, either:
The fuck am I reading?
I'll tell you this much: the story still won't make sense, the characters will still be terrible, and the action (and apparently the international audience?) will be the only things that save it. Also, Bay will come back to finish his trilogy. Oh, didn't you hear? Beyond the
The Last Knight. Yes really. But don't laugh, he'll beat your ass. In rhyme.
Remember when he was in The Elephant Man? Trust me, he does, too.
The movie also has M'gann Faux and a little girl who prompts people fight to like a man (I think), I think. N.E.S.T guy comes back, too I guess. And I'm reminded Stanley Tucci does as well. Yeah, that's it. I'd elaborate more, but let's be real here. You don't give a fuck about these people, it's all about the Transformers. The secondary/supporting characters that share the name of the series. You just have to get through a couple hours of Bayisms and then you can get to the robot fighting for some scattered 22 minutes across the film. The last 8 are credits, of course.
Respected, world-renowned actor Anthony Hopkins had this to say about the director of this film:
Michael Bay is of the same ilk as Oliver Stone, Spielberg, and Scorsese:Anthony Fucking Hopkins said:
Works for me!
Of course, this could be just him blowing up smoke. But who knows how he really feels?
Just recently (as in, the second time this year) Mikhal has proclaimed his departure from the Transformers series. And I quote:
Michael Bay seems to be chained to the Transformer series and he can't seem to break free. Every film since the 2nd he claims will be his last, but like a bad case amnesia he forgets about his commitment to break free and returns, (triumphantly?) anyways. Come on, Michael. We're rooting for you. You can do it. You can break free.Bayhem said:
And hey, he won't be alone in walking out on the series.
It seems after the ass-beating of the first film, fans cried about how neutered Optimus Prime was. Reserving the final blow against Megatron to the film's protagonist and not the supporting character that Prime was. Well Senpai heard your prayers, and boy, did he deliver on a whole new Optimus Prime:
Remember the G1 Prime? Or even the Prime Prime of recent? The moral, righteous, Optimus Prime who valued life across the board? The guy who seemed to be a stand-in father figure for kids in the 80s as an exemplar of what's right and wrong? The difference between justice and vengeance? To put others before yourself and show mercy to everyone? Well you can kiss that Optimus Prime good-bye. Bay's Optimus just doesn't give a shit anymore. He doesn't take prisoners and just wants to kill. No forgiveness, no mercy, and no lubricating. But wait! You say as you race to the keyboard, He's only like this ‘cause of years of warfare! Brudda, which version isn't? Bay doesn't care about that crap. Murderous Prime lives only for glorious face-rips and ignoring pleas for a truce that would stop entire planets from being plunged into eternal warfare. That's the role model people had when they grew up watching the original show, right? It's only natural, after all, in this latest installment that Optimus Prime would go full villain after horrifically tearing away at Transformers and human beings alike.
Bumblebee gets squashed like a bug.
The review embargos don't go up until sometime before midnight (7pm PDT). So this is under construction until then. However, as one bright member points out:
Review Thread
Official Website
Lindsay Ellis' The Whole Plate: Film Studies through a Lens of Transformers
I actually kind of appreciate the Transformers movies
*And as always, credit to Quick for the awesome imagery, and going a step beyond with the gifs.
