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Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy
- Thread starter soultron
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I haven't posted in here for a while as I was handling some of my own things but I just want to touch on this. Don't be afraid of being seen as creepy. Use it to your advantage. It's what I do and it works wonders. Make it into a running joke for yourself. It sets a nice early tone that you have a sense of humor and as long as you handle yourself well it will come off as funny and not actually creepy. If that's how you really see yourself when you approach someone then feed into it and be yourself. You will come off a lot more real rather than like someone who just prepares lines. If that doesn't fit your personality then just be yourself and don't worry about the creepy thing.
The problem that arises the most in here is that most guys put too much thought into how to approach situations. They end up becoming their own worst enemy. It's why people are suggesting for you to relax before you approach someone. So that you don't over think it. These are girls that you don't know and that don't know you. Don't put so much thought into whether or not they will think you're creepy and just go for it. If it doesn't work then it's not like you will have to worry about talking to them again.
Like a human being. Kiss, have sex, do things together, whatever. If it ends up being too weird for you at any point, then move on, but don't be too quick to judge someone based on that if you think they're cool. We have lots of gaffers here under the same sort of circumstances, younger and older, hoping that a girl doesn't think inexperience alone is a dealbreaker.
I'm 27 this year and this applies to me. Yet it doesn't because I don't really place any value in that. If you think it's gonna be a problem, it might be. Otherwise it most likely will not be. Worrying about needless things rarely lead anywhere nice.
Vigilant Walrus
Member
If roles was swapped - If she had never been with anyone, would you have thought differently about her?
I didn't think so. You sound like a great guy, who is open minded. You like her, so you don't care if she has been with anyone right? In fact you would most likely try to understand her and be gentle with her. You would appreciate the fact that you could be her first. You are honored that she dares open something so personal to you. Putting it out there.
As for love - Do your best. Your body already knows what it has to do. There is no needing to discovering it, you will only improve it as you go on. The basics you already know. What you can do is not be selfish and also think of her pleasure.
Warm her up, foreplay. See what she likes.
Finally - Lots of people give in to group pressure. Weather they start smoking, have sex with someone they don't care about just because or something else - To stick your principles and being true to yourself is a real virtue.
Don't think your less or late or compare yourself. Only you are you, and you've done what you thought is right.
People who will make fun or ridicule you for having sex "too late" are the same types of people who will post shitty comments about youtube about discovering new songs too late. "welcome to 3 months ago bro. heard this song before you duu duu".
It's true that you are inexperienced and maybe you rightfully so feel like you could have been a better lover if you had your sexual debut at 17 - But you were not, and that was then. This is your situation, so go out there and do it, and if it doesn't happen or doesn't work out then it was not meant to be. Love is temporary but your character is forever. So don't cut yourself short just because your later to inserting your car in the carpark!
Vigilant Walrus
Member
I get the impression that EviLore did it to help him, not because he hate him. Combine was getting lots of attention for his own negativity, and it sort of became a cycle.
Because Combine was not really trying, he just wanted to tell himself through a proxy (his cry for help) that he couldn't do it, so he had an excuse to keep being the way he was, and is.
Combine reminds us that we are not all raised equally. Some of us have had important people to help us in a right direction. I suspect that Combine was just left behind. Nobody stopped him when he went into self destructive mode. Nobody pushed him in the right path. Nobody told him what he needed to hear - The truth.
I bet he is a nice person in real life. Perhaps a push over. Perhaps someone who is conflict shy. It sounds all to familiar.
You misread his post...
smokeandmirrors
Banned
Sent the girl I've been talking to/dating flowers and she absolutely loved them, saying they made her day. She had to cancel dinner plans we had tonight because she was sick, but I have no problems waiting until she gets better to pick a day. Plus we have a potential six flags trip coming up, which is entirely dependent on my work schedule.
Overall life's great. Finally something going right.
Overall life's great. Finally something going right.
I don't know what you mean in the first paragraph. You're saying I should make jokes about how creepy I think I am?
As far as being attractive goes, I know that I'm not ugly at the very least. Women have found me attractive before. I know that much about myself.
It's not that I'm worried about her being inexperienced, or that I think her strange for not having had a boyfriend. It's more that no guy has been able to impress her enough to actually become her boyfriend, it's not from lack of trying from other guys either. I feel like I have to be better than I am or something.
Houston3000
Member
Er... more than likely she's has some lame trait or quirk you haven't learned about yet. Maybe a bad temper or some kind of odd self deprecating complex - maybe just socially awkward when it comes to being intimate. Give her a chance, see what's up. Don't automatically assume she has a superiority complex.
Oh, wow, just posted my OK Cupid profile last night and I already have a couple fat chicks hollerin' at me!
I'm not attracted to these ladies, but I feel bad just ignoring messages because of that. I think I'm going to have learn that ignoring people comes with the territory in dating and get over it.
I'm not attracted to these ladies, but I feel bad just ignoring messages because of that. I think I'm going to have learn that ignoring people comes with the territory in dating and get over it.
For somebody to go that long without a bf/gf, she has some ingrained belief that is keeping her from having companionship.......maybe she's looking to change though and now you came into the picture. If you "have to be better than what you are" then how is she already interested in you? See how that makes no sense?
IHeartTSwift
Member
Ignore em' fat chicks bruh. You don't need em' in your life and eventually someone will come around and handle them for us males who don't want that.
I lurk the shit out of this thread from time to time, and this is the greatest goddam thing I've ever read on here.
Dusk Golem
A 21st Century Rockefeller
I just want to toss out there that those that are saying to toss out things that interests you to get with girls/guys are wrong. It is true that some interests are not compatible with some people, but then pretending you're something you aren't isn't going to help in the long-run.
Honestly speaking, if you have a charm and some quirks and know how to talk to girls/boys, it isn't that difficult to get something going with someone. Everyone has their pros and cons, and the funny thing is that those pros and cons will be compatible different with different women/men. I used to be really shy and I didn't date anyone until I was 16 simply because I just didn't know how to approach that subject. However, after putting myself out there, some experience and learning to just accept myself and a few other things I have been very fortunate in the area of love. I had some rough spots in early adulthood and was in more relationships over time than I would have ever desired, but I am very happy right now. Been with a girl for a long while and soon moving in with her. She's an amazing person herself and a fantastic lover, and yes, we both share interests in our dorky habits. I couldn't be happier.
But to find happiness in a relationship you also risk going through a lot of pain. But just have to keep your chin up and see where life takes you. I find that I mostly ended up in relationships when trying something new. I would meet someone in coincidence that would bloom into something else. Everyone has their own style and preference though.
You'd be surprised how many women might not only be accepting, but some even fascinated the fact that you do something dorky like, in my case, make games. I wouldn't go advertising that for yourself because of the pre-conceptions, but when you guys are really starting to know each other and it gets brought up, believe it or not some actually find that sexy. All sorts of interests and disinterests out there.
Honestly speaking, if you have a charm and some quirks and know how to talk to girls/boys, it isn't that difficult to get something going with someone. Everyone has their pros and cons, and the funny thing is that those pros and cons will be compatible different with different women/men. I used to be really shy and I didn't date anyone until I was 16 simply because I just didn't know how to approach that subject. However, after putting myself out there, some experience and learning to just accept myself and a few other things I have been very fortunate in the area of love. I had some rough spots in early adulthood and was in more relationships over time than I would have ever desired, but I am very happy right now. Been with a girl for a long while and soon moving in with her. She's an amazing person herself and a fantastic lover, and yes, we both share interests in our dorky habits. I couldn't be happier.
But to find happiness in a relationship you also risk going through a lot of pain. But just have to keep your chin up and see where life takes you. I find that I mostly ended up in relationships when trying something new. I would meet someone in coincidence that would bloom into something else. Everyone has their own style and preference though.
You'd be surprised how many women might not only be accepting, but some even fascinated the fact that you do something dorky like, in my case, make games. I wouldn't go advertising that for yourself because of the pre-conceptions, but when you guys are really starting to know each other and it gets brought up, believe it or not some actually find that sexy. All sorts of interests and disinterests out there.
HarryHengst
Member
This is true. If the girl thinks you have dumb interests it isnt the right girl. She might not enjoy it, but if she cant accept and respect it it's time to move on. On the other hand, dont go talking for 2 hours about your Warhammer 40k battles or your latest World of Warcraft raid on a first date.
The girl im dating now has no interest in football (or soccer for you weird people), but suggested herself to come around and watch a match, because she understands its something that im passionate about and she wants to share that. I dont expect her to start enjoying watching football, and i rather go do things with her she also enjoys, but just the fact she's willing to do that made me like her so much more. It speaks of a good heart and that's what matters.
Johnlenham
Member
Feel a tiny bit bad for calling out combine which lead to his ban but yeah hopefully he sorts his shit out.
VW's post that came after it was worth it though. Damn that should be in the OP (if people even read that anymore)
VW's post that came after it was worth it though. Damn that should be in the OP (if people even read that anymore)
Hydrogen Bluebird
Member
So ugh, I had to break up w/ my gf today. This might come off as incredibly shallow but here goes:
She's pretty and all but her stomach isn't flat at all, w/c is a big no no for me. I really like her in terms of her personality but to me, looks/body is just as important.
She's pretty and all but her stomach isn't flat at all, w/c is a big no no for me. I really like her in terms of her personality but to me, looks/body is just as important.
might? thats cause it is.
AdventureRacing
Member
If that's the case what made you go out with her in the first place? Unless she put on weight after the fact which makes your position at least a little more understandable. You still sound very shallow though.
Maybe you could encourage her to go to the gym or something? Maybe even go with her, it can be fun. It doesn't sound like she is really fat or anything by your description so it wouldn't take much.
To me personality comes first so i guess it's hard for me to give advice.
HarryHengst
Member
Got to give you props for admitting this, but it is still a dumb as fuck reason to break up with someone.
Power Glove
Member
The hell? That's something that can be fixed easily. Shoulda started working out with her, do some jogging at least.
Yes, it is incredibly shallow but also in a really dumb way.
Damn...are you in Albany, NY by chance? The girl you describe sounds exacly like my sister-in-law who lives in Albany; 27yrs old and never had a BF in her life.
I've known my SIL for almost 10yrs now, and here's what I can tell you about her and (partly) why she's been single all her life; She thinks she's way hotter than she actually is, and has been fooled by TV/movies/media/etc into believing this "Love at First Sight" bullshit that is very common in RomComs/entertainment geared towards females.
Basically (and this no lie), my SIL decides within the first 5-10min of meeting a guy whether or not he's relationship material. Like, if you don't get her wet in those 10min, then you'll never have a chance with her. I heard countless "He's kinda a dork", "He's seems immature", "He seems a little arrogant", "His style is not good", excuses from her for not giving a guy a chance.
I've seen it happen many times over the years. She remains single and miserable. I thought her situation would change when she finally moved out of her parents' house (at 25yrs old :lol ), but nope.
My advice to you is to make your move ASAP, and if she rejects you, then just move on. There's most likely a good reason why this girl is 27 and never had a BF.
Boozeroony
Member
Did you tell her she was too fat?
As other before me said: get some exercise, get her (and you) in shape and have amazing sex. I only see winners here. Fool.
CherryWoodFuton
Member
For real dude???
So for the past two weeks or so I've been hanging out with my friends in school and I swear this freshman girl was giving me the eye every single time we pass by each other either in the hallway or in the bar across the street from my university, it wasn't some quick little look it was some full on stares or the whole she looks at me for a while then when I look at her she looks away and then when I do the same she looks back thing. Now here's where it gets stupid or where I get stupid I guess, this entire time I never really talked to her because I haven't really had the chance. Every time either she's in some group of freshmen or I'm with my group of friends, so I haven't been able to talk to her alone. I didn't know her name or anything but I told my friends that I thought she was cute and I wanted to talk to her, a few days ago my friend sends me a message saying that he found her on facebook and when I check it out it seems that three of my friends are mutual friends with her. Now I hold off a while considering that I've never really talked to this girl before except for one time months ago where she asked me and my friends a quick question. After a while though I get impatient since I want to talk to this girl but I haven't had the chance to yet so I just say fuck it and send her a friend request. Well now it seems that she started ignoring me? Was just adding her on facebook really that much of a bad move that she lost interest? Did I just make up the 'signals' or whatever? Is she playing some bullshit teasing game?
I don't know if you fucked it up or not, but I don't think it was a good move. Friending her on Facebook kinda sends the message "Hey, I'm interested in you but too much of a pussy to approach you IRL." A better approach would have been having your mutual friends introduce you in person. You can still give it a shot.
Johnlenham
Member
Adding someone randomly that you see in the halls is pretty creepy to be fair because you (well you didnt but it looks like you did) have trawled through Fb to find her.
Honestly this was what I was going to do, and what I thought might have happened here. I still plan on talking to her in person when I can but like I said I just haven't had the chance. It just makes it worse that there are midterms going on this week so that's another reason why I decided to add her instead of waiting.
Nailed it.
Every time you've been around her (even if just passing by in a hallway) has been a chance to talk to her, especially if you made eye contact. Just introduce yourself, and go from there.
The only route you can go from here is to just talk to her next time you see her. Don't wait for the perfect opportunity. Just do it.
Look at it from her perspective. You guys have never talked or met and all of a sudden you add her as a facebook friend? That implies you were fb stalking/searching her out. Even if she was interested in you before, you probably blew it now.
Honestly you should have talked to her first before adding her. If you haven't had the chance to do so then don't add her. Why the rush?
Very rarely are you going to find time alone with her since you guys are not friends. Sometimes you need to make your own opportunities. Even if you're passing her on the hallways and just smile at her and say hi.
ThoseDeafMutes
Member
Welp. Looks like my first relationship turned into a disaster. It started out so well, too, with the girl I was interested in actually asking me out. Then, the week Mass Effect 3 comes out she says she doesn't want to do anything that week because she'll be marathoning the game whenever she isn't working/doing university. Then she couldn't do anything the next week because she was "so busy". All attempts to contact her since then have been ignored - texts, skype, phone call. It has been 15 days since we last communicated in any fashion at all.
At this stage I'm wondering whether I should make an attempt to seek her out in meatspace to get some closure, or if that's crossing the line into "stalkerish ex who won't take a hint" territory. This shit has ruined my productivity for the last week and a half.
At this stage I'm wondering whether I should make an attempt to seek her out in meatspace to get some closure, or if that's crossing the line into "stalkerish ex who won't take a hint" territory. This shit has ruined my productivity for the last week and a half.
Rule of Thumb: Never wait for the perfect opportunity to meet / introduce yourself to a girl. Just do it.
You even had a "Stare Down" with this girl, and didn't make your move. That's most girls' way of saying "Come talk to me", because very rarely will a girl make the first move.
Again, the only next step you have is to talk to her next time you see her. Tell her it was you who FRed her on FB, and go from there.
That one. Take the hint and realize it's over. You tried to make contact, and got no reply. There's your answer.
Now, it may be possible that she was/is indeed incredibly busy, and no time for anyone but herself. But if she wanted to be with/around you, then she would be, or at least tell you she wanted to. Don't ever think otherwise.
Not necessarily, but it's going to be harder now. You could wait a little longer and see if you get a further read on the situation. If you're feeling bold, you could go up to her and tell her that you added her on facebook because you think she's cute and acknowledge that it wasn't the best way to approach the situation, but you meant well. One conversation with her should pretty much clue you in to where you stand at this point.
The Last Wizard
Member
So yesterday I tried one last time to go out with this girl in my psych class, she said she was busy yesterday so I asked about next week since its spring break. So she says she's got a life and she's got 2 internships, work, going to the gym, and modeling. So she has no free time, I really didn't like how she was trying to say I have no life since I've got free time.
I'm done with her. Gonna focus on the gym and my goals, and if I see someone I want to talk to then I'll do so.
I'm done with her. Gonna focus on the gym and my goals, and if I see someone I want to talk to then I'll do so.
ThoseDeafMutes
Member
I feel like I need to clarify that I have no illusions about this and am well aware that it's over. What I'm after now is to know what exactly went wrong, and when. Given the consistent stream of bullshit I've put up with from her, even if I found out she'd been mauled by crocodiles and spent the last two weeks in intensive care, I still probably wouldn't take her back. There's also the desire to see her actually admit that its over, given that "cutting off all communication" has got to be one of the most spineless and hurtful ways you can initiate a breakup.
I know that a girl won't make the first move unless she's really bold and that it's up to me. I also know that there never really is the perfect opportunity to meet a girl, like I said it's midterms week and I've got a cold to make things better. I don't have any qualms about going to her and introducing myself it's just fuck if she's in a group of people that makes shit hard. I don't know how to approach that situation well.
This is what I was hoping of doing. I told one of our mutual friends that I thought she was cute and he said that she's usually at the bar and that he'd introduce us one of these days. I was planning on just being honest and saying exactly what you said.
To people out of college/working, how is your social and dating life? I've yet to get a job, but I really fear not being able to do anything I missed during college, as I mentioned earlier.
It keeps lurking on my mind, and it certainly doesn't make things any easier.
It keeps lurking on my mind, and it certainly doesn't make things any easier.
You can certainly try, but chances are slim she'd tell you as evidenced by this:
Common break-up behavior, sadly. Most people will try to avoid confrontations, and that's what she's doing. It sucks, but not surprising.
When you had these "stare downs" with this girl...that was your chance right there. Was she alone when you passed her in the hallway? If so, that was your chance. I agree that introducing yourself when she's in a group is akward, though.
But damn dude, never friend request on FB a girl you've never even talked to before. :lol
Houston3000
Member
I've been out of college for a few years. College was definitely easier (well, the first two years for me, I kind of blew the second half in regard to girls) but it's never been hard for me to at least meet women in social settings. If you have a large social circle you should be in like Flynn... however if you only have a couple friends or even if you're sort of a loner at this point it's still not too bad.
What you need to realize is that the only reason it's easy to meet people in college is because you're paying money to put yourself in the center of thousands of other people who are your age and even large groups of people with similar (academic) interests. Think of other places that could potentially serve that same crowd and attend attend attend. Bars, clubs, coffee shops, bookstores, parks, hell... if you're really into it just pay some money and take some more college classes (nothing is actually stopping you after you get a degree). I've actually seriously debated taking courses at the local colleges like NYU or something just to meet new people - since I'm so busy with work though and don't want to spend that much money I've instead used some of the previous mentioned methods, I joined a local gym, etc.
Only time I've seen her alone was once and she was talking on her cellphone while me and my friend passed her on the way to the computer lab to do a project.
My social/dating life has been TONS better out of college than during. I am very introverted, and it didn't help that the classes I took in college dealt mostly with programming (sausage fest). I didn't go out of my way to meet new people, and the few friends I made were pretty reserved like myself.
I've been out of college for about almost 4 years now. When I graduated, I took on a job as a consultant. This forced me to interact with tons of people (coworkers, clients, etc.). Networking and meeting new people will definitely improve your social/dating life. I used to cringe anytime I would have to meet someone new, but now I look forward to meeting new people.
I think the problem I had the most in college was that I was content with being a loner. You really have to put yourself out there if you want to gain a social/dating life. Sure, you'll probably get a rejected a lot by girls (I have), but I can tell you that it's a lot more satisfying than wondering "What would have happened if I approached her?"
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