Vermillion
Banned
@shan: So then people will aim for people on the same level of attractiveness.
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Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy
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Ether_Snake
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This is so fucking stupid.
Yes looking good is something girls like. Being rich too. And all that stuff.
But it doesn't mean girls are LOOKING for this, not any more than I am looking for the girl with the small waist, big round ass, black hair and caramel skin.
There's what you dream of, and there's what you actually get to enjoy. Girls are, in general, not dumb enough to pass on being with someone they enjoy being with just to keep dreaming.
No one should have to explain this more than that. People here are wasting other people's time if they keep bringing this up or trying to make this more complicated than it is.
Yes looking good is something girls like. Being rich too. And all that stuff.
But it doesn't mean girls are LOOKING for this, not any more than I am looking for the girl with the small waist, big round ass, black hair and caramel skin.
There's what you dream of, and there's what you actually get to enjoy. Girls are, in general, not dumb enough to pass on being with someone they enjoy being with just to keep dreaming.
No one should have to explain this more than that. People here are wasting other people's time if they keep bringing this up or trying to make this more complicated than it is.
shanshan310
Member
I think its being pessimistic
Look at Hugh Jackman and his wife. There was a whole thread about how he could do better. If they connect on a higher level (personality, interests etc) it doesn't matter what they look like. The chances of you succeeding with someone have everything to do with how well you click.Generally, but I think its more an offset of hanging out with similar people. No one actively seeks out a particular level of attractiveness... right? You should aim for someone who is similar to you, similar to your life values, hobbies etc.
Vermillion
Banned
Yes, they are. Same for guys. Especially younger ones.
shanshan310
Member
I'm glad you all can be so optimistic, I just think that there are people who realize that they can't be with someone they want to be with because of how they look compared to that person, so they could settle for someone else or whatever, but the fact is that looks did stop that relationship from happening.
Ether_Snake
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There are people who can't be with someone they'd like to be for all sorts of reasons. I'd like to bang Amber Rose. Never gonna happen. No big deal. Doesn't mean I'll pass on other girls.
I'm talking about realistic chances. Someone you actually know, not some pornstar.
PantherLotus
Professional Schmuck
Best advice I ever got: "what exactly do you have to offer her when you meet her (the one)?"
Works yo. It combines goals with confidence and using your interests to meet people. BAM you're a rock star.
Works yo. It combines goals with confidence and using your interests to meet people. BAM you're a rock star.
HarryHengst
Member
Girls really do not focus as much on appearance as we guys do. I only have to look at the boyfriends some of my female friends have. All those girls are young, intelligent, good looking and in shape, while their boyfriends are usually a bit overweight or skinnyfat, bald(ing), lacking in fashion sense and/or playing fucking World of Warcraft.
What do those guys have though? They have interesting hobbies and passions: one is a DJ and does light shows during band gigs, another is a pretty good guitar player who regularly performs, a third is really passionate at volunteer work and spends half his week at an animal shelter. That are qualities that can impress women, which shows what kind of person you are, way more than a 6-pack or big arms can. They dont sit at home complaining on an internet forum that their body sucks and thus no girl will ever love them, they go out, do stuff they care about and meet people that way.
Then again i also have an acquaintance who only likes guys with a hot body, so yeah, those girls also exist. Not sure if they are the girls you want to be with though, unless its for a one-night stand. If thats your goal, sure, go ahead and sculpt your body like some Roman marble statue. But i think that most people here are looking for a relationship, not random hookups.
Actually, you should always work on your body, but because its something you care about for your own health and fitness, not to get laid.
What do those guys have though? They have interesting hobbies and passions: one is a DJ and does light shows during band gigs, another is a pretty good guitar player who regularly performs, a third is really passionate at volunteer work and spends half his week at an animal shelter. That are qualities that can impress women, which shows what kind of person you are, way more than a 6-pack or big arms can. They dont sit at home complaining on an internet forum that their body sucks and thus no girl will ever love them, they go out, do stuff they care about and meet people that way.
Then again i also have an acquaintance who only likes guys with a hot body, so yeah, those girls also exist. Not sure if they are the girls you want to be with though, unless its for a one-night stand. If thats your goal, sure, go ahead and sculpt your body like some Roman marble statue. But i think that most people here are looking for a relationship, not random hookups.
Actually, you should always work on your body, but because its something you care about for your own health and fitness, not to get laid.
Etrian Oddity
Member
Girls are far pickier about bodies than faces; I've seen guys who look like indignant trolls still get action because they had at least somewhat fit bodies.
Vermillion
Banned
Izick and I are good in the body department...
*high-fives*
She was the one that wanted to go drinking on a Saturday night. I just picked the places.
And, why do you say "the fucking place was closed!"? If you're on a date and you bring the girl to a restaurant that's closed, and you get angry or annoyed by it, it won't give a good impression. You should be spontaneous and playful, which would imply "snap! They're closed! I was certain they'd be open. Oh, well, my bad - let's go find some other place
I didn't say that to her. When I saw it was closed "ah, well that sucks. Let's find another". I wasn't getting angry, just internally annoyed.
AdventureRacing
Member
This whole discussion is irrelevant anyway and is just being used as an excuse. Looks matter, there is no question about it but that isn't the reason that JokerOfSpades and Danj are having any problems (especially jokerofspades as he is a pretty decent looking dude).
It's silly to focus on such a superficial issue when there are much bigger things to deal with (like a complete lack of confidence which is probably the most limiting factor when trying to meet women).
It's silly to focus on such a superficial issue when there are much bigger things to deal with (like a complete lack of confidence which is probably the most limiting factor when trying to meet women).
NotTheGuyYouKill
Member
Or continually coming up with various excuses to justify not doing something about the problems we all know that are there.
Nobody is helpless. Well, that Combine fellow was, but he's gone now.
Nobody is helpless. Well, that Combine fellow was, but he's gone now.
Vermillion
Banned
I have the confidence to try, but such is my underlying thought process... maybe if I try sober and not at a party...
Though I'm still pretty awkward.
Not all of them.
shanshan310
Member
Yup. Money doesn't matter to me at all. If its not mine, I'm not spending it, so who cares. Its nice to have things bought for you for sure, but it has nothing to do with their attractiveness. Then again, I'm still a student. I don't speak for all women, but I do speak for some of them.
The Anti-Monitor
Banned
Let us judge then
It's like saying all guys just wanna bang their girl. It's extremely sexist thinking. I just want to be loved, dammit. D:
shanshan310
Member
"If you have male friends they're only really friends with you cause they wanna bang you". lol.
The Anti-Monitor
Banned
That seemed like a fairly widespread viewpoint in some threads.
Boozeroony
Member
I've got attractive female friends, but we got each other friendzoned. There is just no sexual tension (anymore).
I wonder if this is a viewpoint created by people who themselves aren't getting much/any sex, because it represents their feelings on the matter?
shanshan310
Member
I do have a feeling... I mean, everyone has attractive friends, but to say that's the only reason you're friends with them? You can't be very good friends if that's the case. I certainly wouldn't date anyone who used me like that.
I just don't get how thinking you're unattractive, if you matter-of-factly are is an "excuse." It seems like a pretty logical, material reason that you may be unsuccessful with women or men.
And yes, I get it. I understand that people can better themselves in almost any way, but I feel like you're hitting a low ceiling some point in terms of attractiveness overall if you don't, well look attractive in the first place.
And yes, I get it. I understand that people can better themselves in almost any way, but I feel like you're hitting a low ceiling some point in terms of attractiveness overall if you don't, well look attractive in the first place.
Hilarious. I have plenty of female friends who're friends of mine because they're genuinely interesting people, not because I want to bone them.
Also, go to the gym because you want to feel better and look better, but do it for you. Going to the gym to make someone else happy means you'll never be happy with yourself, because you'll always find someone who doesn't like you if you look hard enough. Not everyone in life is going to like you, and if you're channelling this into a single negative (like your body or state of fitness) then you're never going to get over it. Your body might not even be the reason girls don't like you; maybe it's your attitude, personality, drive... it could be anything. You're never going to be perfect and anyone who expects this of their partner isn't worth your time. Stop obsessing.
Going to the gym is supposed to be enjoyable, therapeutic, even. It's not supposed to be this big ordeal where you're stressing because your biceps aren't big enough that day and that's not going to get you attention/approval from women when you go out that night. I fully believe in goal setting (Hey, you want 24-inch biceps? Go for it!) as long as it's exclusively for you(r benefit).
Also, go to the gym because you want to feel better and look better, but do it for you. Going to the gym to make someone else happy means you'll never be happy with yourself, because you'll always find someone who doesn't like you if you look hard enough. Not everyone in life is going to like you, and if you're channelling this into a single negative (like your body or state of fitness) then you're never going to get over it. Your body might not even be the reason girls don't like you; maybe it's your attitude, personality, drive... it could be anything. You're never going to be perfect and anyone who expects this of their partner isn't worth your time. Stop obsessing.
Going to the gym is supposed to be enjoyable, therapeutic, even. It's not supposed to be this big ordeal where you're stressing because your biceps aren't big enough that day and that's not going to get you attention/approval from women when you go out that night. I fully believe in goal setting (Hey, you want 24-inch biceps? Go for it!) as long as it's exclusively for you(r benefit).
Atramental
Banned
Because you don't need to be dwelling on that aspect of yourself. Make it a non-issue and just forget about it.
You're adding more mental and emotional clutter to your mind when all you do is think about how ugly you (supposedly) are. You have to have to have to get your thoughts about yourself under control, Izick, or they'll completely immobilize you.
I myself don't like that I'm bald at this relatively young age of 21 but I no longer dwell on it because I realize how much it prevents me from feeling good about myself.
If you are truly are as ugly as you're making yourself out to be there's always plastic surgery.
Yet you could get that surgery and still feel ugly.
Etrian Oddity
Member
Izick, I tried finding an article that snapped me out of my poor self-imagery a year ago, but I was sadly unable to find it. But, heed my words, because this is the last time I'm ever going to comment on this issue with you:
You are not ugly because your face does not meet certain objective geometric values, or lacks symmetry, or whatever hard science you want to believe.
You are ugly because you believe you are ugly.
What is objective and matter-of-fact (as seems to be the crux of your stance) is that there are plenty "ugly" men who attracted loving, beautiful women as partners, and many of them accomplished this because they did not believe they were ugly.
If you're genuinely asking if the mindset is what overcompensates for your "objective truths," then the answer is a resounding, undeniable yes.
And those are the last words of wisdom I have for you. Hopefully you'll read over my last couple of posts, and mull my words over in your head. If not, then I can do no more for you.
You are not ugly because your face does not meet certain objective geometric values, or lacks symmetry, or whatever hard science you want to believe.
You are ugly because you believe you are ugly.
What is objective and matter-of-fact (as seems to be the crux of your stance) is that there are plenty "ugly" men who attracted loving, beautiful women as partners, and many of them accomplished this because they did not believe they were ugly.
If you're genuinely asking if the mindset is what overcompensates for your "objective truths," then the answer is a resounding, undeniable yes.
And those are the last words of wisdom I have for you. Hopefully you'll read over my last couple of posts, and mull my words over in your head. If not, then I can do no more for you.
Devolution
Member
Also I'm getting tired of the "you live in a fantasy" retort for the people who actually have experience or see non-adonises getting women. Keep making excuses for yourselves and lashing out at the posters, even women, who tell you being an interesting person is more important and see how fucking far that gets you. It's such a god damn self-fulfilling prophecy with some folks.
HarryHengst
Member
Attractiveness makes no sense in the end. Yes, there are people in the world who you can say that they really are beautiful, but ultimately it all falls down to personal preference, and guess what: girls have individual tastes! Not all girls are alike! Saying that 'all girls' find someone unattractive is such a dumb thing to say. The low ceiling for attractiveness is way lower than some of the people here seem to think.
Just walk around a mall on a saturday and see how many, to you, ugly people have a partner. That should tell you enough.
Vermillion
Banned
My man.
These days I don't post very much in this thread for this very reason. It becomes exhausting.
I fully accept that the advice myself/others give is not one-size-fits-all, but those coming for help should do their best to pull out tidbits that apply to them.
Devolution
Member
It's frustrating because it's "well that won't work because x." It won't work because you're already damning yourself before you even try so why bother? And even if you fail at say picking up some woman, guess what, we all have (For me men obviously). We haven't got every single person we've desired, we've just picked ourselves the fuck up after a rejection and tried again.
Attackthebase
Member
I tried helping in OT2, but this thread has drained my energy.
Something like this needs to be in the title for |OT4|.
It's annoying as well because the threads turned into "I can't" then 20 posts going "Yeah, you can" then the reply "No, but I can't because of X" and it repeats. Either fucking do it or don't! Get some advice on how or where or when but don't just use this thread as some sort of defeatist soap box.
Vermillion
Banned
I'm not saying I won't/am not trying. It's just way harder than everyone is making it out to be.
So what if it is? Try anyway, you have nothing to lose.
So, that girl I met and went on the date? I'll admit I fucked up. I was so focused on what not to do(like be a fool), I never thought of what I SHOULD do. And ended up never making a move. I texted her the next day saying in short "I liked meeting you and thought you were awesome, I look forward to seeing you again" so at least she has to have SOME idea of my interest. When I meet her again I fully plan on forgetting what not to do and focus on DOING. And by doing I mean I want at least a kiss by the end of the meet. If I can't get that, then it's done. I'm going in canons blazing and I'm either getting her or going down in flames but either way, I'll have tried.
We men, myself included, often assume we know what women are thinking. Or we substitute our own logic and explanations for observed behaviours. I think this can help men get out there, to start being assertive. But for men who do their damnedest to formulate excuses, they also think they know what women are thinking; women don't like them for X or Y or Z isn't good enough about themselves.
This is especially frustrating to witness when you, a real-life woman (!!), are telling them not to think this way. One of the things I put in the OT's OP was to respect and take in the sage advice from you and the other women who are nice enough to provide realistic insights, but some posters seem to be forgetting that bit.
I appreciate your contributions to this thread a lot.
I feel that's why a lot of great advice-givers and positive motivators (highluxury, yourself, PXG, etc. etc.) have stopped posting so frequently in here.
Whoever makes it is more than welcome to do what they please, absolutely.
Attackthebase
Member
PXG and I actually talked about this last night at the meet up. This thread is too much at times.
Also, my track record with asking out ladies has been interesting. Last girl I asked out was a lesbian. Don't know how I am so innately attracted to them.
Edit: Is Spacebar still around?
Devolution
Member
We never said it was easy we said you have to keep trying in order to gain experience, learn about yourself and hone your skills. You get flummoxed on just trying once, and you're not going to get anywhere. It's very rare that the first person you ask out is going to say yes, whether they're generally not interested or already in a relationship. The point is if you get so hung up on one person and take that rejection as the end all be all, you're not helping yourself to chug along and find new people. People always scoff at "plenty of fish in the sea" but it's true. There is not "one person" for everyone, there are scores of people over the course of your life but if you remain closed off and insular you will never meet these people.
When I first entered college I was very insular and shy, I already had a boyfriend but my confidence in socializing with others was shit. So I started forcing myself to talk to people whether commenting on something I liked or asking them a question (sometimes something I already knew or wrote down but I just wanted an ice breaker). You can't be stuck in this mold of "it's too hard" and expect results. You have to throw yourself out there. The anxiety you feel is so much worse than actually talking to people. People want to talk to other people, we're social animals. Start acting like women are just another person to engage with and not some majestic foreign creature. Talk to them like a peer. They'll take notice and talk back. You don't have to look good.
There was a guy in my class whom I did not find particularly attractive but he talked to every damn girl in that class. Guess who all the girls said hi and bye too even when not in class? Him. He was noticed. None of the girls scoffed and rolled their eyes when he approached them because he was *Dave. He wasn't angling to get something, he was just friendly and it helped that he knew a lot about design. I'm still in contact with him like many women whom he went to class with probably are because he wasn't afraid to talk to us and hit us up for contact information. It never seemed like "oh wow Dave you're so gross why do you want to know my info." It was a polite exchange between friendly classmates. Looks don't matter when you're being a genuine person. Attractive/hot people have to work at it less but that doesn't mean you should ever count yourself out.
*not his real name
That is definitely why I stopped posting in here. So much advice is given and a lot of the time it just doesn't get used. People are so negative about themselves that they don't use the tools given to them. Before I went on my date earlier today I had written up a pretty long post full of advice. I come back, refresh the thread, and see that it's mostly the same old shit from people so I just decided not to post it. In the last OT the people that wanted advice actually listened to it and gained from it. Now it seems like the most frequent posters (not all mind you) are more content on just having people feel sorry for them than doing anything to change their situation.
NotTheGuyYouKill
Member
Maybe someone should make a Pity-Age thread. Dump your woes in there.
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