• Hey, guest user. Hope you're enjoying NeoGAF! Have you considered registering for an account? Come join us and add your take to the daily discourse.

How do I not hate myself?

Status
Not open for further replies.

Sadsic

Member
Sadsic glad this thread is turning out positive, you rock man. If you got steam hit me up so I can shoot you in CSS or something.

honestly im still really scared of my future, but im eternally aghast that no one is telling me i should just shut up and leave or something
 
interesting. you are wise as fuck
I wouldn't put too much stock in me. I've got issues out the ass, some are harder to work through than others. I just don't want anyone to ever feel hopeless. As long as you breathe there is a chance tomorrow will be different. Sometimes better, sometimes worse. Just don't dwell on the bad portions.

And for God sake life is fragile enough as it is. I can understand that want of peace, but damn death finds every one as it is. That is the only real certainty in life because governments can be overthrown. I've been there. It always seems huge at the time, and I'm not going to act like it won't flair up again.

But never relent. You've survived hell, you've got strength that few have been tested against and you lived. Not only lived, but overcome.

It will never be without pain. Life I mean. It's one of the few things we truly feel. Physically and emotionally. Without a certain amount of pain you can't truly appreciate the good times. But always know that just like life and love everything is fleeting. The pain there one moment may mean less than nothing the next.

I try to never forget that we have at best 100 years on this planet. Feeling, thinking, loving. It'd be the bigger crime not to feel the sting, the passion, and yes even complete hopelessness. The weight of your history is no doubt heavier than most. But it is a weight of your own construction.

It will always be a part of you. Just as my history is mine. But it can never touch you. It can and probably will rear its ugly head around you again, but that can never define a person. You do it.

And with that I think I bid you all a good night. My sleeping patterns have been weird these last few days and I am getting more than a little sleepy. Remember you've got the friendship and support of a person pretending to be a monkey on the internet. And from a whole range of awesome people. I really do love this forum.
 

Sadsic

Member
I wouldn't put too much stock in me. I've got issues out the ass, some are harder to work through than others. I just don't want anyone to ever feel hopeless. As long as you breathe there is a chance tomorrow will be different. Sometimes better, sometimes worse. Just don't dwell on the bad portions.

And for God sake life is fragile enough as it is. I can understand that want of peace, but damn death finds every one as it is. That is the only real certainty in life because governments can be overthrown. I've been there. It always seems huge at the time, and I'm not going to act like it won't flair up again.

But never relent. You've survived hell, you've got strength that few have been tested against and you lived. Not only lived, but overcome.

It will never be without pain. Life I mean. It's one of the few things we truly feel. Physically and emotionally. Without a certain amount of pain you can't truly appreciate the good times. But always know that just like life and love everything is fleeting. The pain there one moment may mean less than nothing the next.

I try to never forget that we have at best 100 years on this planet. Feeling, thinking, loving. It'd be the bigger crime not to feel the sting, the passion, and yes even complete hopelessness. The weight of your history is no doubt heavier than most. But it is a weight of your own construction.

It will always be a part of you. Just as my history is mine. But it can never touch you. It can and probably will rear its ugly head around you again, but that can never define a person. You do it.

And with that I think I bid you all a good night. My sleeping patterns have been weird these last few days and I am getting more than a little sleepy. Remember you've got the friendship and support of a person pretending to be a monkey on the internet. And from a whole range of awesome people. I really do love this forum.

like if you record yourself ill use it in a song or something... it sounds like such an insight
 

Pollux

Member
Sadsic, look up the poem "Grin" by Robert Service. They're some words to love by. And don't let yourself get down, stay positive and lie your life to the fullest. We're here for ya!

Thunder Monkey, you continue to be one of my favorite posters on GAF, and one of the better people here as well. Just wanted to throw that out there.
 

Juicy Bob

Member
Sadsic, I cannot even begin to imagine how it must feel to have gone through all the horrible things that you've been forced to deal with. Nobody on this planet should ever have to go through what you have and you have done absolutely nothing to deserve any of it.

I want you to know that I have nothing but respect and admiration for you. Truly. The fact that you have gone through all that you have and yet are still as likeable, eloquent, honest and decent as you are is testament to how strong and how valuable a person to are right now. I wish I could say that I had personal similar experience to speak from to try and support you with, but I don't. There are plenty of other GAFers who have said far wiser and more helpful things than I ever could, so I'm not going to try.

What I can be, however, is honest with you. So I will. I have a huge amount of respect for you. It takes fucking balls to post something so honest and so raw on here like you have done. I really don't think I'd have even a quarter of the courage you've shown if I was in your situation. And for God's sake, look at all of us who want to help you. I know we may just look like words on a screen, but we all really care about you. Not because we have to or feel obligated to, but because we want to help you. You are a truly admirable person and deserve to be recognised as such.

Also, I've been listening to your Soundcloud page for the last hour while reading through this thread and your work is FUCKING AMAZING. Seriously, when I get back home tonight the first thing I'm going to do is to buy your b. forever album. You should be incredibly proud of your talent. I'm extremely envious of it.

I really don't feel qualified to offer advice about help, so I won't. What I would encourage you to do is to keep talking about it. The phrase 'a problem shared is a problem halved' has always been true for me and we will all be here to listen to and support you whenever you need it. Because you're a GAFer, and we're all GAFers together.

I wish you nothing but good things in the future, because you absolutely deserve it.
 
like if you record yourself ill use it in a song or something... it sounds like such an insight
Freaking insomnia. I doze and then wide eyed and awake again.

It can be insight. Or it can be useless platitudes. I will never know what it's like being you. Not truly. In the end it is always up to you. It's always hard. For some of us harder than most. But you shape the person you are or are becoming.

Gah, I really need to force myself to sleep. I've got stuff to do tomorrow. None of it fun, but most of it necessary.
 

Sadsic

Member
Sadsic, I cannot even begin to imagine how it must feel to have gone through all the horrible things that you've been forced to deal with. Nobody on this planet should ever have to go through what you have and you have done absolutely nothing to deserve any of it.

I want you to know that I have nothing but respect and admiration for you. Truly. The fact that you have gone through all that you have and yet are still as likeable, eloquent, honest and decent as you are is testament to how strong and how valuable a person to are right now. I wish I could say that I had personal similar experience to speak from to try and support you with, but I don't. There are plenty of other GAFers who have said far wiser and more helpful things than I ever could, so I'm not going to try.

What I can be, however, is honest with you. So I will. I have a huge amount of respect for you. It takes fucking balls to post something so honest and so raw on here like you have done. I really don't think I'd have even a quarter of the courage you've shown if I was in your situation. And for God's sake, look at all of us who want to help you. I know we may just look like words on a screen, but we all really care about you. Not because we have to or feel obligated to, but because we want to help you. You are a truly admirable person and deserve to be recognised as such.

Also, I've been listening to your Soundcloud page for the last hour while reading through this thread and your work is FUCKING AMAZING. Seriously, when I get back home tonight the first thing I'm going to do is to buy your b. forever album. You should be incredibly proud of your talent. I'm extremely envious of it.

I really don't feel qualified to offer advice about help, so I won't. What I would encourage you to do is to keep talking about it. The phrase 'a problem shared is a problem halved' has always been true for me and we will all be here to listen to and support you whenever you need it. Because you're a GAFer, and we're all GAFers together.

I wish you nothing but good things in the future, because you absolutely deserve it.

whenever i read stuff like this i dont know how to react... but thank you
 
Your mom sounds so much like my own it's kinda scary, heh. I don't really have the balls to post all of my stuff on gaf, though...

Anyway, I mention this because one thing my own headshrinker told me that was really helpful with my mother was this: you need to practice. When you're learning to interact with your mother in a healthy way, it won't feel right. When you're figuring out how fucked up the stuff she tells you is, and that it should be interpreted much differently than what you are accustomed to...it's going to feel wrong. It will feel genuinely bad.

Music is probably a good analogy for you. Did you sit down one day and immediately know how to create tracks like that? Of course not. It took time and a lot of hard work. This is no different. You are going to slip up, let her get under your skin, and even when you are doing everything right it'll be uncomfortable. But the more you do it, the better it will feel, until one day you can look back at how you feel right now and truly recognize it for what it is, and how much it is holding you back. Trust what we're saying about talk therapy. It is exactly what you need, and the rewards are priceless.

I used to despise my mother for everything she put me through. Now I merely pity her; I know that she will never be well, and that's sad. As my psychologist was telling me just this morning, when you have an experience like that and all you feel is sadness for the person, you'll know you made it.
 

Sadsic

Member
Your mom sounds so much like my own it's kinda scary, heh. I don't really have the balls to post all of my stuff on gaf, though...

Anyway, I mention this because one thing my own headshrinker told me that was really helpful with my mother was this: you need to practice. When you're learning to interact with your mother in a healthy way, it won't feel right. When you're figuring out how fucked up the stuff she tells you is, and that it should be interpreted much differently than what you are accustomed to...it's going to feel wrong. It will feel genuinely bad.

Music is probably a good analogy for you. Did you sit down one day and immediately know how to create tracks like that? Of course not. It took time and a lot of hard work. This is no different. You are going to slip up, let her get under your skin, and even when you are doing everything right it'll be uncomfortable. But the more you do it, the better it will feel, until one day you can look back at how you feel right now and truly recognize it for what it is, and how much it is holding you back. Trust what we're saying about talk therapy. It is exactly what you need, and the rewards are priceless.

I used to despise my mother for everything she put me through. Now I merely pity her; I know that she will never be well, and that's sad. As my psychologist was telling me just this morning, when you have an experience like that and all you feel is sadness for the person, you'll know you made it.

the thing is, my mom still calls me like every day to see if ill move back in; i think it was like a co-dependent relationship and im disgusted by that

like i can hear her fucking judging me ove rthe phone right now becaus ei know im not good enough for anything
 
the thing is, my mom still calls me like every day to see if ill move back in; i think it was like a co-dependent relationship and im disgusted by that

like i can hear her fucking judging me ove rthe phone right now becaus ei know im not good enough for anything
If there's anything I've learned recently, it's to stay away from judgmental people. It's the one positive quality that I may have and that is I am not judgmental (unless you judge me first).

Most of my "friends" are very judgmental. I know I should stay away from them and 'find new friends' but that's easier said than done. As of now, I really have no friends. But is it worth it to stay away from them because of their views?

I guess you have to ask yourself that but to me it sounds better that you stay away from your mother. You don't need this kind of disgusting insults in your life.
 

Mr_Zombie

Member
the thing is, my mom still calls me like every day to see if ill move back in; i think it was like a co-dependent relationship and im disgusted by that

like i can hear her fucking judging me ove rthe phone right now becaus ei know im not good enough for anything

As this thread proves, it's not true. You have a talent, a huge one, and you're good at it.

Next time she tries to call you, simply hang up. You must let her know that it's not your fault for what happened to you, but, among others, hers. You shouldn't feel guilty about that.
 

CrankyJay

Banned
Next time she tries to call you, simply hang up

Just don't answer.

It seems the OP's own mental well being will be an inverse relationship to how much contact he has with his mother.

We've seen first hand the OP is a very good person who has been taught to believe otherwise. =(

Hang in there, man.
 

RiccochetJ

Gold Member
Man, 'Axiom.' is so good. I don't know what it is, but it has me totally captivated while I'm doing the menial task of checking in all my code for a new build. I've just been replaying it for the past half hour.
 

KAOz

Short bus special
Holy shit at that music.

Sounds like some old-school Aesop Rock/El-P stuff. Fucking love it.
 
the thing is, my mom still calls me like every day to see if ill move back in; i think it was like a co-dependent relationship and im disgusted by that

like i can hear her fucking judging me ove rthe phone right now becaus ei know im not good enough for anything

Block her number. Cut her entirely out of your life. If untreated, the rot will spread.
 
Totally has nothing to do with anything, but I immediately thought of the latest episode of Game of Thrones when you said that.

I had it in mind when writing the post, too. Kinda funny coincidence.

I wanna see more of that healer chick. I don't really remember her from the books.
 

neoism

Member
Man, 'Axiom.' is so good. I don't know what it is, but it has me totally captivated while I'm doing the menial task of checking in all my code for a new build. I've just been replaying it for the past half hour.

YES lol I have like 200 plays now looove that beat. sooo good
i was listening to a loooooot of shlohmo when i made that song, try like his album Bad Vibes, it's really good

Shlohmo - It was Whatever
thanks man love this stuff.
 

Sadsic

Member
Are you cute?

>_> i can post a pic of me or something

NL3cY.jpg
 

Sadsic

Member
so um i think because everyone apparently likes my music im gonna try and release a new EP this weekend. ill make a new topic for that because it would be really conceited for me to just keep posting about my music here
 

ampere

Member
I caught your tag in another thread and found the music to be pretty damn awesome.

yeah id definitely be interested in working on a video game's soundtrack. would be an interesting challenge

I think you could definitely do something like this.

Some people in here are giving good advice, you have musical talent and do a good job making songs and that's a valuable thing that you can be proud of.

Keep at it man, I'm sure things will get better for you if you keep pushing forward.
 
so um i think because everyone apparently likes my music im gonna try and release a new EP this weekend. ill make a new topic for that because it would be really conceited for me to just keep posting about my music here
*Handicapper handshake*

(by handicapper, I mean as in a sports handicapper.)
 
Hey Sadsic, did you ever think about getting into weight lifting? It really makes you feel like you are working towards something bigger than yourself and it gives you an identity (which is the thing you are missing after that childhood). Come on over to the fitness thread if you want to try and read the op.
 

Sadsic

Member
Hey Sadsic, did you ever think about getting into weight lifting? It really makes you feel like you are working towards something bigger than yourself and it gives you an identity (which is the thing you are missing after that childhood). Come on over to the fitness thread if you want to try and read the op.

i weight lifted for like a year but i have a lot of anxiety over being treated poorly in public
 

Izick

Member
Sadsic, don't give up! Of all the shit you've been through, why would you do something terrible to yourself now? You've been through the worst of the worst, and now you should benefit from making it through those awful times. It can't get any worse than some of the things you described, and you have to live with all those memories, but just think, whatever you go through from here on out, it can't touch that. It's like ending a trilogy on the second movie! As cheesy as it sounds, what if Star Wars ended after The Empire Strikes back? What if Luke gave up and said, "well, my arms gone and shits fucked, so I quit"? That'd be terrible! For all the bad, good will happen Sadsic! Please just don't give up hope though!

I suggest that you start working out. It clears your mind, you'll start to look better, and you will feel better and better about yourself every day. Trust me, please just give it a shot. You'll feel like a completely new person after the first week, then the first month, and even more after a year. Fuck those other people. Go to a gym, and unless you live in like some hard-ass area, nobody is going to make ribs at you.
 
I see you have a new tag Sadsic. Nice =) And I'll add a +1 to what everyone has already been saying about your music. You are quite talented.

Good treatment + a budding career in music = you have a bright future ahead of you.
 

JiuJitsuka

Neo Member
i ran like 3 miles today, i feel really cleansed

Now that is the spirit !!

I also get depressed. However, whenever I workout while listening to some intense dramatic music, I feel so " above " everything else, as if nothing can hold me =D =D !!
 

Sadsic

Member
really happy day overall; i got some money from my last job because some of my sales went through. yay money

edit: am i blogging? i should just go blog this bullshit
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top Bottom