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Mental Health |OT2| - Light in the Darkness

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U

User 479360

Banned
Just got home from the out of town hospital. I took my Grandpa's truck up, because I was asked to and needed to pick him up. Or so they said when we called.

When I got there (after about an hour's trip, give or take a couple of minutes) in bad weather, information couldn't find him using the directory assistance, then I was told security would come and escort me. The lady said she'd been to the heart clinic but nobody was there.

Security came, then information found out at the same time, so they took me there. I saw him, talked to him and then found out that they had admitted him overnight because there was a complication. An unfortunate and rare one, but nothing serious.

The artery they went up, through his groin, kept bleeding causing a false aneurysm. They did an ultrasound and said it's not bleeding anymore, but they need to observe it and it will need to be dealt with via either surgery (basically stitches) or an injection.

They came back and said no surgery, but that he now has to stay until Monday, because nobody will be able to do the procedure until then, which is crazy.

It was a little bit frustrating, but I'm not mad. I don't really mind. Just wishing he could've come back.

I visited for a bit, but he told me I should head home instead of looking for free parking (I have no credit card and had parked in 15 minute parking for free). So I did, but I stopped at a few stores to pick things up that aren't available around here.
 
C

Colin.

Member
I like the idea of having a Discord channel set up. It seems a more modern, user friendly option than the IRC/Mumble combo. It'd be good to catch up with you lot, and to get to know some others. Actually still have a few emails to type up now (my bad). As I said a little while ago in the previous thread, my depressions been more stable. A lot less rough days than I used to get, and very little side effects with the meds. Anxiety is still a real burden though, so I hope that'll be the next thing I can get more under control.
 
O

OfficerRaichu15

Member
I guess Ill explain my situation.
I have seere anxiety and mild depression and am medicated on medicine that raises serotonan in the brain. This all started to occur warly last year when I for no apparent reason was sad about everything and wanted the worse for myself. I had a lot of tough things going on and I did a stupid things here on gaf but maybe others can help.
You have a solution gaf?
Also for more detail I often have a case of thinking worse case scenario and feeling hated by all my friends even after they tell me they love me as a friend.
I just dont know gaf lifes rough and im making dumb mistakes in real life and on this forum as a result.
 
C

CheesecakeRecipe

Stormy Grey
Colin. said:
I like the idea of having a Discord channel set up. It seems a more modern, user friendly option than the IRC/Mumble combo. It'd be good to catch up with you lot, and to get to know some others. Actually still have a few emails to type up now (my bad). As I said a little while ago in the previous thread, my depressions been more stable. A lot less rough days than I used to get, and very little side effects with the meds. Anxiety is still a real burden though, so I hope that'll be the next thing I can get more under control.
Click to expand...

Hope to see you again soon! Reposting for 50ppp new page:

CheesecakeRecipe said:
I had set one up yesterday, but was waiting for Bagels to stop by so I could crown him and show him all the bits. I'll put an invite in my post that you'll have to quote to see, but it may expire if we decide to change up how our invites work!
Click to expand...
 
P

Pau

Member
I too would be down with a Discord chat.

gaiages said:
Yeah, fitnessGAF intimates me too lol. For fitness stuff I actually go to Reddit, my fave is xxfitness, it's mainly for women and they are super friendly to newcomers :)

If you wanna talk about any fitness stuff, feel free to PM me, I can always use someone to chat with it about, it's fun :) (I recently fell off the wagon with that stuff and trying to get back on)

EDIT: A Discord channel would be fun :3
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Oh I think I read some stuff on xxfitness when I was looking for books. I'll check it out again! And will definitely PM! We can keep each other on track!

Today I went to a spinning class in the morning. It felt eternal while doing it and I took a nap when I got home but it's a start. My book also came in today so I've been reading that.

Tomorrow I'll start on the test exercises just to see how to do 'em properly.

Also should get a small notebook to keep track of stuff in. And need to take a "before" pic.
 
J

JackDT

Member
jb1234 said:
Just cancelled a trip I was desperately hoping to do and has been on my calendar for three weeks now. Even on double Vicodin, I'm in too much pain to make the drive (much less enjoy myself when I get there). I'm devastated. This keeps happening over and over again and it's gotten to the point where I just don't see the point in living any longer if I can't experience the things that make life worth it.
Click to expand...

I saw a post saying you get a burning feeling, ever been checked for how you absorb B12? B12 problems can cause nerve pain. A blood test doesn't tell you much, there are different problems, but you can trial and error stuff like taking Methylfolate and see if you feel any different because the effects if helpful usually don't take too long.

I've had relatives hit this issue and have unexplained burning/electrical pains because they were taking a medication for acid reflux that prevented B12 from being absorbed properly. And there are genetic causes of the same problem, which you can test for sort-of, using 23andme to send the data to a third party.
 
E

Evil Monkey DTT

Banned
I can't tell if I'm more eva or welcome to the nhk right now. I've been crying all night, and I've come to a realization. My life literally makes the world around me worse. There's nothing about me worth existing, I literally ruin everyone around me. I waste resources such as food, that could go to better more deserving people. I couldn't hold a job for a single day because of my panic attacks, which means I couldn't save up any money. So now I don't know when the fuck I'm seeing my fiance, whose life I am certainly ruining without question.

She loves me, but every fucking day I talk to her I've been fucking up. They always end with me crying, or her being mad at me, or her needing me emotionally and I'm just not there for her. So I'm the worst, I'm the worst person on the fucking planet and I honestly believe that.

And knowing this explains alot, it explains why so many people used me to throw me away, it explains why I only have 2 friends left. One of which is getting into fights with me over pity shit, but I can tell he's on his way out. I'm just so fucking useless right now, god if I could kill myself and not leave a body that would have to have a fucking ceremony attached to it I would.
 
H

Heckler456

Banned
So, my dad's been going to a new dentist recently. Found out that he's a guy I used to go to high-school with. Having a crisis of confidence seeing as how he's there already, and I'm nowhere in life, and probably won't be for the foreseeable future. He's also recommending that I go see him, and now I'll probably have to explain why I don't really feel like it. Ugh.

Evil Monkey DTT said:
I can't tell if I'm more eva or welcome to the nhk right now. I've been crying all night, and I've come to a realization. My life literally makes the world around me worse. There's nothing about me worth existing, I literally ruin everyone around me. I waste resources such as food, that could go to better more deserving people. I couldn't hold a job for a single day because of my panic attacks, which means I couldn't save up any money. So now I don't know when the fuck I'm seeing my fiance, whose life I am certainly ruining without question.

She loves me, but every fucking day I talk to her I've been fucking up. They always end with me crying, or her being mad at me, or her needing me emotionally and I'm just not there for her. So I'm the worst, I'm the worst person on the fucking planet and I honestly believe that.

And knowing this explains alot, it explains why so many people used me to throw me away, it explains why I only have 2 friends left. One of which is getting into fights with me over pity shit, but I can tell he's on his way out. I'm just so fucking useless right now, god if I could kill myself and not leave a body that would have to have a fucking ceremony attached to it I would.
Click to expand...

I don't really know enough about your life to give any specific advice, but the first thing you have to do is feel good about yourself. Just try and identify aspects about yourself that you know you can improve, and start putting in the effort on the ones you can do something about right now. That's the most important part. "Change begets change" and all that. Go read the full quote sometime, it's pretty cool. Also, "nothing worth having in this world comes easy". That one's from Dr. Kelso in Scrubs, but it strikes true nonetheless! And, you know, the effort itself is rarely if ever fun, and will seemingly never be worth it in the moment. But it's the results that count. I don't know if this stuff applies to you personally, but well, there you go.

As to your anxiety and panic attacks, have you pinpointed the triggers that cause them?
 
S

Sagroth

Member
I seem to have managed to move past a lot of anxiety and depression that I'd been feeling for the past couple months. It hasn't been replaced with much of anything, but I'll take "meh" over despair any day of the week.
 
M

melichrous

Member
So all of the bad has suddenly resurfaced, and I'm totally not prepared to be dealing with it again. Not really sure if it's just a bad day, or if the whole shebang has suckerpunched me again.
Only thing to really do is keep on truckin and hope to God it fucks off.
Depression and anxiety really suck.
 
H

half a moon

Banned
Been having OCD I guess. On my second week at a new job. Trying to make friends. Might go for a second job soon. Thoughts about suicide come and go.
 
I

Imperial Hot

Banned
I could go into it more if people are interested or require more information, but after a tumultuous six months, I went back to a psychologist and got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depression, and Substance Abuse.

From age twelve to twenty I was heavily medicated for what my psychiatrist diagnosed as General Anxiety Disorder. When I hit twenty, I stopped taking my medication and tried to manage my symptoms accordingly. Things went pretty well for a few years, but it's kind of like gaining weight. You don't really notice the pounds coming on until one day you can't bend over to tie your own shoes.

Anyway, I'm twenty-four years old now with Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depression, and moderate Substance Abuse. I personally feel I also suffer from some level of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but that's just me.

Any experience or advice with this? I'm currently doing talk therapy - I have an aversion to medications and would like to see how far I can get without them.
 
H

half a moon

Banned
None from me :/

This isn't for physical issues, but i've been having recurring testicle pain and it messes with my mind too. Half of me wants to get my left testicle cut off.
 
T

Teriyaki Blues

Member
half a moon said:
None from me :/

This isn't for physical issues, but i've been having recurring testicle pain and it messes with my mind too. Half of me wants to get my left testicle cut off.
Click to expand...
Go to a doctor ASAP, this sounds like it could be serious. Worst case scenario, they will do that for you.

Have you been screened or genetically flagged for anything that causes testicular torsion?
 
H

Heckler456

Banned
Auctopus said:
Doubt anyone will remember but about a month ago in the last thread I mentioned that my anxiety had gotten pretty bad over a holiday I was going to take to mainland Europe with a group friends. Almost to the point where I was going to bail and be happy with throwing my money down the drain.

A few posters told me I should go even if it was just FOMO. Well, I did and had a great time. My anxiety didn't seem to rear its head at all (might've been because we all got drunk a fair bit but not enough for a hangover. Also it was sunny and good weather helps my mood often) and I was even a core group member at times, managing to raise morale a little when we found out we were staying quite far from the festival and the trip would be more costly than we imagined.
Click to expand...

Hey man, I remember! Really happy you had a great time, and good on you for going. Goes to show that you shouldn't listen to that voice of anxiety in your head if you can help it. It's ultimately what got you there in the first place.
 
K

Krammy

Member
I'm going to apply for a few jobs today, nothing fancy, just entry level stuff.

I keep telling myself that I can do this, and I know I can because I've previously worked 3 years in retail, but holy hell, my anxiety is trying really hard to stop me from applying. I'd almost rather slit my wrists at this point just to escape looking for work.
 
Z

ZombieFred

Unconfirmed Member
Over the year I have Ben doing drugs on average once a month and taken a few things like meth, weed, mdma and speed and feel like shit. I am not addicted but I got into the habit of casual sex with this stuff and feel like I lost a part of myself. My eyes have been temporary damaged and can't game properly and that but the eye specialist and stuff said I should fully recover in time and I pray he's right but feel bad I allowed myself into this and hope I don't have any brain damage and stuff. Have been taken anti depressants starting now and my family are far away.

Please tell me I'll get back to how I was a year ago guys as I feel bad :( almost suicidal at some points. It was hard to write this post but there's not many who understand me. I feel I lost my innocence.
 
T

Teriyaki Blues

Member
I'm not crazy. The reason I was having symptoms of both hyperthyroidism and hypothyroidism is that I'm just a medical anomaly who has both, yay.

Starting treatment tonight, so if we can get this damn gland under control, hopefully it will have a positive influence on my mental stability as well.
 
S

Steamlord

Member
Krammy said:
I'm going to apply for a few jobs today, nothing fancy, just entry level stuff.

I keep telling myself that I can do this, and I know I can because I've previously worked 3 years in retail, but holy hell, my anxiety is trying really hard to stop me from applying. I'd almost rather slit my wrists at this point just to escape looking for work.
Click to expand...
I know how you feel, minus the prior work experience. I desperately need to start making money and get out on my own, but the mere thought of having a job terrifies me. Nobody seems to want to hire me anyway though, so the point is almost moot.
 
J

jsnepo

Member
I'm in the worst situation of my entire life. I feel like I mastered nothing in the last 32 years of my life. I didn't get a college degree and when I tried to, it didn't really work out in school because of lack of time, exhaustion from work, and some other circumstances not letting me finish it. I feel bored most of the time and ended any enthusiasm I have for the things I used to enjoy the most. I'm almost broke because my business is starting to fail, mortgage is catching up soon, and with my wife who is as clueless as I am when it comes to her own financials. I've got no friends whom I can truly confide in since my friends know me differently. I've got no family that will truly care about me. My wife is always bothered by the thought that I will leave her making her screw up things which actually makes me consider leaving. I've got so many things that are dragging me down. People, events, things, circumstances, to which I no longer have any breathing room. I can't focus. I'm not forgetting about blaming myself too. I am the laziest person I know. I can plan but I can't seem to put them into execution. I've always hated myself.

I want to fix things but I have no fucking idea where to start. Often I imagine myself just rebooting and leaving everything behind, even my own name.
 
N

Nudull

Banned
Hey. It's been a while.

I've only posted sparingly, and I've longed wondered if I want still welcome here. I rarely get to talk about my mental issues anywhere else, and it gets difficult when there's so few people in your life who will take them seriously. I hope I'm still okay to be around you all, and I hope you've all been well.
 
R

RoyaleDuke

Banned
Nudull said:
Hey. It's been a while.

I've only posted sparingly, and I've longed wondered if I want still welcome here. I rarely get to talk about my mental issues anywhere else, and it gets difficult when there's so few people in your life who will take them seriously. I hope I'm still okay to be around you all, and I hope you've all been well.
Click to expand...

You are welcome here friend.

I'm somewhere between awful and neutral.
 
B

Booker Dewitt

Member
Welp, it's been over a month since I had to cancel my orientation with amazon after my wallet was stolen from my house by my roommates friend. A friend of mine who applied after I cancelled got a email about scheduling one yesterday, I got another email saying they are still trying to sort through and I'm more than welcome to cancel my application with them. The are accepting more applications at this point too.

My roommate is dog sitting the fattest beagle I've ever seen. I told him it's worrying cause she has trouble breathing while laying down on the couch. He just threw it back at me, saying that the "dog just gets fast" and that she has "very expensive, very expensive diet food." It's like I went from one roommate trying to make me feel like a idiot jackass to another roommate trying to make me feel like a idiot jackass.

He also has no qualms at this point about invading my privacy by entering my room on any little whim, cause I keep coming home to find my fan turned off. I've taken to duct taping a sign on the switch that says fuck off.

It's all little things, but with his brother expressing concerns over how his grandmother feels about him staying over so much, and not the dude who pays half the rent...I'm beginning I really hate this place.

Couple that with amazon seemingly trying to ice me out. I feel fucked.
 
U

User 479360

Banned
These haven't been good days.

I don't have energy, can't get off the couch, keep getting bored and distracted and feel like garbage. I miss my Mom, hate what I've let my life become and just wish it would end.

I feel like an embarrassment.
 
M

MisterLuffy

Member
I want to find another job, working at retail has warned me out. But I'm very picky, either I lack skills or don't have skills at all. I'm reluctant to find internship because I lack confidence in myself and skills. Whenever I'm at home, I want to get out. Whenever I'm at work, I want to go home.
 
Collete

Collete

Member
Oh cool new thread.

Don't have much to add but I've been struggling hard core with my anti depressants lately. Been giving me spiked anxiety and feeling quite hopeless bout the future.

Hard stuff....
 
P

Pamplemousse

Member
I'm so depressed because I went on a date with this hot guy today, but it was a disaster. I never have any chemistry with anyone. :-( The whole time I was just wondering why someone as hot as him would even go on one with me. Anyway, I know I'll never hear from him again, and it's obvious why. Still, I'm sad about it. :-(
 
A

Anth0ny

Member
the only thing worse than feeling down is feeling down and exhausted

holy shit i have no energy at all

but i have to go to the gym >__________<
 
G

Gurthang

Banned
I got a phone interview. Well I got an email for it but I responded a day late and they haven't responded back so its not scheduled yet.

Its a decent internship, the pay is low but I don't really care. I just want the internship so I can finish my hellish degree.

Well its just a phone interview. Probably other 30 applicants are also being phone interviewed. And they all have much better marks than me. My marks are awful. Plus I have huge gaps in my resume. No prior work experience at the age of 22.

It is at these moments that I feel so horribly down. I could have gotten this job if I had a better resume and marks. If I had some references. But I don't. All my classmates from 2012 have graduated and have great resumes with great internships and right now enrolled either for Graduate studies or starting up their full time careers.

And me. The most useless human on earth. I get anxiety by just taking the subway. Literally not a single friend in the past 9 years. Never had a social media account. Don't even know what texting and messaging someone else feels like.
 
N

Nudull

Banned
Collete said:
Oh cool new thread.

Don't have much to add but I've been struggling hard core with my anti depressants lately. Been giving me spiked anxiety and feeling quite hopeless bout the future.

Hard stuff....
Click to expand...

Collete! :) -hugs-

Today, I've been alright. Decided to binge on a bunch of movies to help cheer myself up. Getting into Overwatch has been helping me a lot, too. Unfortunately, I have no current means of getting antidepressants.
 
Astral Dog

Astral Dog

Member
Pamplemousse said:
I'm so depressed because I went on a date with this hot guy today, but it was a disaster. I never have any chemistry with anyone. :-( The whole time I was just wondering why someone as hot as him would even go on one with me. Anyway, I know I'll never hear from him again, and it's obvious why. Still, I'm sad about it. :-(
Click to expand...
Because you are CUTE, seriously im amazed you are having problems dating, that mood has to change because you think negatively about yourself (and sometimes others) that is only going to get you sad and nervous will only limit yourself and push away others, if you need help try talking with a teraphist, medication or meditate because maybe you need it to lift your spirit.
 
P

Pamplemousse

Member
Sub Boss said:
Because you are CUTE, seriously im amazed you are having problems dating, that mood has to change because you think negatively about yourself (and sometimes others) that is only going to get you sad and nervous will only limit yourself and push away others, if you need help try talking with a teraphist, medication or meditate because maybe you need it to lift your spirit.
Click to expand...
Thanks, Subby. I'm going on a couple more (not the same guy). We'll see how they go.
 
G

grap3fruitman

Banned
Lost my supportive social worker cause she's only supposed to be temporary. I found a decent therapist I was opening up to after seeing her weekly just for a month or so but now she's on maternity. The people I've been passed off to don't get. I feel like they don't understand depression (I got the "fake it til you make it" yesterday) and are just generally unsupportive in general. I begged my psych for some meds to help with my anxiety, depression, fatigue and PTSD but he says "everything he can prescribed is a controlled substance and that I'd just turn around and sell it to support my marijuana habit." I smoke to help with all my symptoms and I admit that it's not reliable and that I haven't been able to find the same helpful strain in over a year (grapefruit og). So I begged him for something to help but he won't budge. I'm being left with no option but to kill myself. I kind of want to do it in their office so they can see the result of their "help."

Pamplemousse said:
but it was a disaster.
Click to expand...
Why? Are you sure you're not just projecting here?
 
R

redlegs87

Member
I've been procrastinating calling my insurance provider and finding out of my previous therapist and psychiatrist were in network. Psychiatrist is but he doesn't work on Friday which is the only day I have to go to appointments. Therapist no where in the system to be found. Called a therapist that is a bit closer and set up an appointment. There are other psychiatrists at the place my old one was at so I'll try them again on Monday to set that up as well. Hopefully things soon will be getting back on a steady track.
 
S

Sesha

Member
Darkness
imprisoning me
all that I see
absolute horror

(just quoting Metallica. Not making light of the thread, no pun intended)

Hurray for OT2.
 
H

half a moon

Banned
Sesha said:
Darkness
imprisoning me
all that I see
absolute horror

(just quoting Metallica. Not making light of the thread, no pun intended)

Hurray for OT2.
Click to expand...
You should have known
The price of evil
And it hurts to know
That you belong here, yeah
No one to call
Everybody to fear
Your tragic fate is looking so clear, yeah
Ooh, it's your fuckin' nightmare

Avenge sevenfold

:/ :/
 
B

Booker Dewitt

Member
Positive news: got my orientation with Amazon scheduled and my roommates brother has left for some some state that I'll never care to know.

Hulu sent me a free two week trial out of the blue, so I was able to watch a episode of Seinfeld for the first time in almost a year, a show that I was raised on.

I got a couple days left of drunken debauchery to partake in before I'll finally make enough cash to live... I can't get excited. It's all been great news the past 48 hours, but I can't help but think of the eventual comedown.
Edit: Like, I remember the moment when I got the email from them about the job Thursday morning. I think I felt relief and happiness, but it seemed foreign. I had people telling me to be happy.
 
P

Pau

Member
Still sleeping a lot but I managed to go to the gym four times this week as planned. Felt pretty good about it besides being reminded that I seem to be the only woman who has no ass. Small steps.
 
M

MisterLuffy

Member
I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I dislike retail. It's sad, knowing that this should be my motivation to look for other jobs. But I'm very picky.
 
S

Sesha

Member
I can feel the summer slowly going away and autumn creeping it. I don't know what it is specifically. If it's changes in the temperature, or the increase in traffic, or something to do with the vegetation responding to the sunlight and the changes in temperature. The feeling is hard to describe too, but it's a horribly uncomfortable feeling. I feel cold but not freezing, and my head feels heavier. Lastly I feel sad, on the verge of crying. It's got a tinge of existential despair to it. I loathe this feeling. I'm so glad I'm going to Australia next year and staying there for a while. Maybe the heat will be uncomfortable, but it's preferable to having to experience this again.
 
H

half a moon

Banned
The past 10 years are a blur. I went off the deep end when my g/f broke up with me. I became a shittier and shittier person. People relate to deep bedridden depression, but I didn't know how shitty I was. I don't know why people let me lay in bed without a job in between jobs supporting me with no apparent consequences. Now I'm 28 and I realize I've always been capable of living on my own, or living in another country, being a good person, but it feels like it's too late. The damage is done. I wish I realized I needed to live life the as the best person I can be much earlier rather than just laying around depressed.
 
T

Teriyaki Blues

Member
Sesha said:
I can feel the summer slowly going away and autumn creeping it. I don't know what it is specifically. If it's changes in the temperature, or the increase in traffic, or something to do with the vegetation responding to the sunlight and the changes in temperature. The feeling is hard to describe too, but it's a horribly uncomfortable feeling. I feel cold but not freezing, and my head feels heavier. Lastly I feel sad, on the verge of crying. It's got a tinge of existential despair to it. I loathe this feeling. I'm so glad I'm going to Australia next year and staying there for a while. Maybe the heat will be uncomfortable, but it's preferable to having to experience this again.
Click to expand...
Have you considered getting treatment for your SAD? (Seasonal Affective Disorder)

Just spitballing here, but it sounds spot-on for what you're describing. Moving to Australia may not be as great of a fix as you think, since Winter still exists there.

Since I live in Arizona, I've met several people with Summer SAD. They get depressed when it is hot. Brains are curious things, deciding to mess you up just because "the sun".
 
M

Megalosaro

Banned
I met with a friend I hadn't seen in a long time. She made a comment that I'm not as out going as I used to be.

That seems to be a recurring comment I've been getting lately. She's not the first. My best friend friend makes remarks all time about how suppressed I seem.

They're all right. I feel like I've given up. I used to have ambitions, but it's been long since I actually genuinely felt capable of achieving.

What goals I have achieved I hate. I hate my career. I hate my industry. I hate my body. I hate myself.

When I see the question "where do you see your self in five years" I don't see anything. Just a blackness.

I've taken to driving without my seat belt.
 
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