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Sniper McBlaze
(09-12-2017, 01:45 AM)
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Zup GAF. I'm thirty and I live in my mother's basement. To some that might sound like the shittiest way to live, but I feel better than I have in years because I finally feel like I don't want to die when I'm sober.

I'm also an addict. I've been abusing amphetamines for over two years. What started as a thing I tried at parties quickly became as usual as a cop of coffee in the morning. I lost my job because of it and I also got depressed. I still didn't want to accept that I was an addict so I just continued on, staying up for days. The most fucked up thing is that I hid it from my pregnant girlfriend for as long as I could. I lied and made up excuses to be able to continue my binging without her noticing.

I became a father in April, but I was still doing drugs. In the beginning of June I got thrown out of our apartment for being high. She had had it. She found a needle of Ketamine I had used to inject myself. I blamed her when I had to move out. I was a piece of shit. I'm still one, but I'm trying to change. Because I never want to be a negative force in my daughter's life or ever neglect the other people I love again.

I don't really know why I write this, but I guess it feels better to tell people about my darkest secrets. It feels good to not hide drugs and lie anymore. And if any of you are having a shitty time in your life I in the meantime I can be an example of someone who actually changed to the better.

If you have any stories to share, please do. Or just call me out for the asshole I am, hehe.

Edit: I know this must sound like random ramble, but it's hard to put the last two years in words. Especially since english isn't my native language.

Edit2:

The little one is my little Iris. She is the most important part in my life. My goal is to always put her first. How could I choose drugs our something so innocent?
Last edited by Sniper McBlaze; 09-12-2017 at 03:59 PM.
Fracas
#fuckonami
(09-12-2017, 01:47 AM)
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Recognizing there's a problem is the first step. Keep it up, man.
blackjaw
Member
(09-12-2017, 01:47 AM)
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Stay sober man, good luck
blame space
King of Members with nice chair, nice beard, nice wall hooks, broken TV, clean phone, and a red username.
(09-12-2017, 01:48 AM)
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I'm giving up. happy for you.
GrizzNKev
Member
(09-12-2017, 01:48 AM)
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I spent the last several years hating myself and accomplishing nothing. I spent most of my time alone and was convinced I was going nowhere.

Now I'm succeeding in school, have a job, and am a leader in a political organization with a bunch of friends who love me. Every day is still very tough. I didn't give up, so I hope you don't either. You can do it, as long as you keep trying.
jb1234
Member
(09-12-2017, 01:48 AM)
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My best wishes to you, man.
Bronetta
Ask me about the moon landing or the temperature at which jet fuel burns. You may be surprised at what you learn.
(09-12-2017, 01:48 AM)
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Its never too late.

Have you tried seeking medical help or counseling? There's services available out there to help people with addictions.
Kurt Angle
Member
(09-12-2017, 01:49 AM)
keep staying sober bro, best of luck
How About No
Member
(09-12-2017, 01:49 AM)
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Im rooting for you, hoping the best!!
SnakeXs
about the same metal capacity as a cucumber
(09-12-2017, 01:49 AM)
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Remind yourself of what you miss and how worth it it will be to have it back. Be strong. You can do this.
CampbellzSoup
Member
(09-12-2017, 01:49 AM)
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Sometimes you need to hit the bottom to see the way up.

You have support here, and you need to get off the drugs. I'm so sorry that drugs are ruining your life. I hate them.
Damerman
Member
(09-12-2017, 01:49 AM)
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All i can say is don't underestimate ur will power, especially if you love your daughter.
Flying Toaster
Member
(09-12-2017, 01:49 AM)
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First step towards crawling out is self realization. You are a parent now. Life will forever be harder but keep doing the right thing and set a good example.
____
Member
(09-12-2017, 01:49 AM)
Nah man, good post. No judgment here.

You seem like you're on the right track to get your shit in order, can't hate on that.

Have you thought of how you plan to move forward?

Edit: Cute kid! Do it for her, man.
Last edited by ____; 09-12-2017 at 01:55 AM.
Peltz
Member
(09-12-2017, 01:50 AM)
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Can't say I know what you're going through, but admitting you have an issue is the first step. It's never (and I mean NEVER) too late to clean up your act and get on a good path.

Stay sober and join a support group or see a therapist if you have to.
hateradio
The Most Dangerous Yes Man
(09-12-2017, 01:51 AM)
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So that explains your tag.

Stay sober, man!
gamz
Member
(09-12-2017, 01:51 AM)
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We've all fucked up. Get to rehab and get the proper care.
devonodev
Banned
(09-12-2017, 01:51 AM)
This thread is much better than the guy that used Google voice-to-text to ramble about how good his life was.
firehawk12
Subete no aware
(09-12-2017, 01:52 AM)
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Good luck man.
Knuckle Sandwich
Member
(09-12-2017, 01:52 AM)
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Good luck, man. You can do it! :-)
GermanZepp
Junior Member
(09-12-2017, 01:52 AM)
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Go get some help dude, go runnig, do some exersize, drink a lot of water, stay clean and sober one day at the time.

Good luck man!
Supha_Volt
Junior Member
(09-12-2017, 01:52 AM)
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Good for you man! Some people never realize/accept that there is a problem and continue that way for the rest of their life. Do you have any plans set out for you going forward??
Cactus
Member
(09-12-2017, 01:52 AM)
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Keep it up man, you're doing great. Kudos for acknowledging that you had a serious problem and actively working to fix it for the sake of your daughter. That's super cool!
zerotol
Good ol' JR's BBQ sauce
(09-12-2017, 01:53 AM)
Are there NA meetings near you? Might want to google it to see if there are. A support group is hugely important when trying to get clean.
Kthulhu
Member
(09-12-2017, 01:53 AM)
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Originally Posted by Fracas

Recognizing there's a problem is the first step. Keep it up, man.

This. Next is to go to rehab and get yourself some help if you haven't already.

There is nothing wrong or to be ashamed of when asking the people who care about you for help. Esspecially if you're going through something as difficult as an addiction.
The Lamonster
Member
(09-12-2017, 01:54 AM)
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Happy to hear you're motivated to make good decisions. I have a young daughter too, and I'm a single dad, so feel free to hit me up if you ever wanna talk. Good luck man
FUME5
Member
(09-12-2017, 01:56 AM)
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Kicking an addiction like that is fucking hard.

Good luck staying strong for yourself and your family.
CampbellzSoup
Member
(09-12-2017, 01:57 AM)
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That little girl is the cutest baby I've ever seen oh my god...
xeroborn55
Member
(09-12-2017, 01:57 AM)
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Good luck op
Last edited by xeroborn55; 09-12-2017 at 02:10 AM.
Beartruck
Member
(09-12-2017, 01:57 AM)
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Originally Posted by blame space

I'm giving up. happy for you.

Don't give up, you'll have a nonbroken tv someday.
Sniper McBlaze
(09-12-2017, 01:57 AM)
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Originally Posted by Bronetta

Its never too late.

Have you tried seeking medical help or counseling? There's services available out there to help people with addictions.

I'm on anti-depressants and waiting for a neuro-psychiatric evaluation. That might take years though.

I've also gone through a program to prevent myself from using again. Now I just pee once a week. Hopefully I will find some counseling group soon, but I'm still calling friends and family that I've neglected over the past years to tell them why I've not answered their calls.
Damerman
Member
(09-12-2017, 01:59 AM)
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Originally Posted by devonodev

This thread is much better than the guy that used Google voice-to-text to ramble about how good his life was.

What was it called again? Full swag? Dear gawrd that was embarrassing.
Google
Member
(09-12-2017, 01:59 AM)
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Good job, OP.

Keep on going strong and be comfortable that you're not at your peak yet.
Pai Pai Master
Member
(09-12-2017, 02:01 AM)
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You recognize you have a problem. You recognize you let people down and acted inappropriately when confronted with your problem. You recognize you have something to live for and to stay clean for.

You're nowhere in the realm of giving up. You're already on your way to recovery. Keep it up, you can do it!
hey_monkey
Member
(09-12-2017, 02:02 AM)
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Your daughter is adorable. She will be so proud to know her father worked hard for her, so keep working. My father was an addict. I wish he'd ever had the strength to admit it.
Dynomutt
Member
(09-12-2017, 02:04 AM)
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Good for you OP. This thread hit a note as I'm trying find my way back. I hope I have the strength and conviction to make a similar post one day. I've burned so many bridges that I'm swimming against a stronger tide. Addiction is no joke and is a battle especially when you go at it alone. Add in depression and the internal struggle is a war. I wish you much continued success OP meant with every fiber in my body. Be easy as this life is but one and is short.

Edit: This thread is just humming in brain now. Your daughter is an angel! Thanks OP.
Last edited by Dynomutt; 09-12-2017 at 02:10 AM.
Sniper McBlaze
(09-12-2017, 02:05 AM)
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Originally Posted by Supha_Volt

Good for you man! Some people never realize/accept that there is a problem and continue that way for the rest of their life. Do you have any plans set out for you going forward??

I wasn't even accepting that I had a problem when she kicked me out. That took weeks. I've slowly realized how addicted I was. It's scary, I pretty much overdosed everytime to even get something out of it the last half a year. I was probably closer to dying so many times more than I'd like to admit.

Moving forward I'm searching for a job. I've worked as a nurse the last 5 years, but I'm trying to find work outside of healthcare so I don't work with drugs all day. It's hard to find a job in medical care too if you have shitty references and some trouble with the law.

Next up is seeing my daughter more and try to salvage what's left of my relation with my ex.
Last edited by Sniper McBlaze; 09-12-2017 at 02:17 AM.
120v
Member
(09-12-2017, 02:09 AM)
my 2 cents... the most overlooked aspect about addiction recovery (IMO) is who you surround yourself with. this may not apply to your situation but time and time again i see the recurring issue of being unable to cut off "contacts".

i've seen people go from puking and shitting themselves to being moderately to enormously successful, but then fall right back into it simply because they're unable to stay out of certain circles
Dead Man
I got d 2 tha eepdicked
d-e-e-p-d-i-c-k-e-d
(09-12-2017, 02:10 AM)
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Realising there's a problem is more than most people manage in general, it took me until well into my thirties to realise I was needing to change. Not so much addiction related for me, but still recognising that the problem was me and not taking it out on people around me. Sounds like you're doing good mate, keep on moving forward.

Originally Posted by 120v

my 2 cents... the most overlooked aspect about addiction recovery (IMO) is who you surround yourself with. this may not apply to your situation but time and time again i see the recurring issue of being unable to cut off "contacts".

i've seen people go from puking and shitting themselves to being moderately to enormously successful but then just get right back into it simply because they're completely unable to stay out of certain circles

Very true. A lot of addiction has social elements to it. Trying to find a good video summary I saw a few years ago.
Sniper McBlaze
(09-12-2017, 02:13 AM)
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Originally Posted by 120v

my 2 cents... the most overlooked aspect about addiction recovery (IMO) is who you surround yourself with. this may not apply to your situation but time and time again the main issue is being unable to cut off "contacts".

i've seen people go from puking and shitting themselves to being moderately to enormously successful but then just get right back into it simply because they're completely unable to stay out of certain circles

I pretty much did drugs and played videogames by myself. So all my friends stopped doing drugs a long time ago. Drugs are always easy to get though, but I've made sure that the process to get the drugs is long enough for me to re-think. I have a few steps I follow when I feel like giving up and just go on a drug binge.
Snoopycat
Junior Member
(09-12-2017, 02:14 AM)
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My neighbour was addicted to speed. It was pretty brutal. He fucked his arms up from scratching them cos he thought he had mites. I'd sit talking to him and he'd be showing me the mites jumping up and down on him but there was nothing there, It was all in his head. Having a conversation with him was almost impossible cos he used to go off on tangents all the time. I think his mind was so fucked he wasn't capable of concentrating on one thing for longer than 2/3 minutes. The weirdest thing though was he'd shoot up his speed then go to sleep. I couldn't figure that one out.
Pulgo1
Member
(09-12-2017, 02:16 AM)
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Not going to go into details, but I've had my own struggles with addiction the past few years. I'm in a much better place now. Accepting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. It's not an easy road ahead of you, but you can get through it and you know that. You're stronger than you can imagine. You also have something I never had; a kid. That's your secret to success. She needs you. She should be your focus every day. Good luck, and stay strong.
Sniper McBlaze
(09-12-2017, 02:19 AM)
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Originally Posted by The Lamonster

Happy to hear you're motivated to make good decisions. I have a young daughter too, and I'm a single dad, so feel free to hit me up if you ever wanna talk. Good luck man

Thanks. I will surely do that someday. Right now it's my ex who is doing all the parenting though.
Supha_Volt
Junior Member
(09-12-2017, 02:24 AM)
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Originally Posted by Sniper McBlaze

I wasn't even accepting that I had a problem when she kicked me out. That took weeks. I've slowly realized how addicted I was. It's scary, I pretty much overdosed everytime to even get something out of it. I was probably closer to dying so many times more than I'd like to admit.

Moving forward I'm searching for a job. I've worked as a nurse the last 5 years, but I'm trying to find work outside of healthcare so I don't work with drugs all day. It's hard to find a job in medical care too if you have shitty references and some trouble with the law.

Next up is seeing my daughter more and try to salvage what's left of my relation with my ex.

Yeah that is pretty scary. I imagine it has been quite a sobering experience now that you're actively trying to stop and looking back on things.

That's good that you are trying to get a limit your exposure to things that could potentially trigger you to use. Good luck with your job search! It'll be tough at first but you'll get to where you want at some point.

That'll be tough but hopefully you will be able to salvage a relationship with your daughter and ex.
Sniper McBlaze
(09-12-2017, 02:24 AM)
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Originally Posted by vsaintlo

Good for you OP. This thread hit a note as I'm trying find my way back. I hope I have the strength and conviction to make a similar post one day. I've burned so many bridges that I'm swimming against a stronger tide. Addiction is no joke and is a battle especially when you go at it alone. Add in depression and the internal struggle is a war. I wish you much continued success OP meant with every fiber in my body. Be easy as this life is but one and is short.

Edit: This thread is just humming in brain now. Your daughter is an angel! Thanks OP.

I can imagine how you must feel. But I'm glad I injected (no pun intended) some positivity in you. I'm sure you'll build new bridges someday.
Hollywood Duo
Member
(09-12-2017, 02:31 AM)
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Stay strong OP you seem like you are on the right course now.
Walter White Walker
Member
(09-12-2017, 02:39 AM)
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Keep it up and keep clean.
Cute kid.
bonesmccoy
Member
(09-12-2017, 02:42 AM)
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God be with you.

My sister had a similar addiction. It's going to take time.
TickleMeElbow
Member
(09-12-2017, 02:48 AM)
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Fuck yeah OP.

I started drinking when I was 17, mostly stealing my parent's wine. By 18 I was drinking every night, and by 21 I was physically dependant and drinking first thing in the morning just so I wouldn't withdrawal. At 26 my body was basically shutting down, and I ended up in the hospital where I was diagnosed with a mild case of cirrhosis. Been sober ever since (a little over four years now), and I'm currently back in school trying to get a degree in graphic design.

Almost every day I think about how I "wasted" the best years of my life, and how my liver will never be 100%. I also have to get cancer screenings every six months.

On the bright side, all of my liver function numbers are within normal range, I'm not fat drunken mess anymore, and I physically feel better at 30 than I did at 21.

You can do it dude.
Netherscourge
Banned
(09-12-2017, 02:49 AM)
1. Stay clean.

2. Stay away from the kids until you really are clean. Don't disappear, but don't impose either. Ask for permission every single time and be ready to hear NO a lot. Don't assume you have the right to anything if you are using drugs, because you could be a danger to them.

Honestly, the last thing you want is to be around your kids while you are trying to detox. You'll probably be moody and may become abusive. Breaking addiction is hard as fuck and you will be having some withdrawal.

You need to prove you are staying clean. You need to take the punches without taking it personally - even if it is personal. Because that's how you will be tested and how you react will determine your fitness for responsibility and fatherhood.

Just my 2 cents. I've seen this before and I've seen guys take things personally and fuck it up all over again. But if you go really slow and make positive and non-demanding attempts at being a real father, you can turn your life around.

But you can't let anyone down by getting back on the shit again.

Good luck.

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