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How can I reduce social anxiety?
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Spiffy_1st
Member
Yeah, I used to feel like a dork for most of school because I was missing out on all of the parties and all the fun that everyone else was having while I was at home playing Final Fantasy. Then when I became cool enough to actually go to the parties, they were terrible. Everyone was sitting around complaining about how sad they were and throwing up all over the place. When I saw them all at school again everyone was saying how great of a party it was, when it obviously wasn't.
A lot of you guys with social anxiety would probably hate most 'normal' activities anyway, so don't get depressed about staying at some watching Breaking Bad or something, as it's probably more fun than whatever everyone else is doing that night.
If OP really has social anxiety disorder or social phobia (by that I mean he's been diagnosed with it by a professional) then most of the advice here is near impossible to accomplish on your own.
Medication and regular therapy was what helped me. It saved my life. Later on, when you feel ready for it, I'd recommend working at a place where you will meet people on a daily basis. Personally, I'm working at a local museum that has 100 000 visitors each year. I've met many different kinds of people since I started working there in June last year.
It can take a lot of work to get where you want to be so don't give up if you think it's going too slow. It's nearly been 4 years since my problems first emerged and I'm still struggling with some things but I feel much much better now than 4 years ago. Keep at it and you'll surely find a way to get better.
This is very good advice too. Just one thing to add, if you (not the guy I quoted, but anyone who's reading) feel CBT doesn't help as much as you want it to then you might need another type of therapy. There are many kinds of therapy out there, don't give up just because one didn't work!
Medication and regular therapy was what helped me. It saved my life. Later on, when you feel ready for it, I'd recommend working at a place where you will meet people on a daily basis. Personally, I'm working at a local museum that has 100 000 visitors each year. I've met many different kinds of people since I started working there in June last year.
It can take a lot of work to get where you want to be so don't give up if you think it's going too slow. It's nearly been 4 years since my problems first emerged and I'm still struggling with some things but I feel much much better now than 4 years ago. Keep at it and you'll surely find a way to get better.
This is very good advice too. Just one thing to add, if you (not the guy I quoted, but anyone who's reading) feel CBT doesn't help as much as you want it to then you might need another type of therapy. There are many kinds of therapy out there, don't give up just because one didn't work!
I'm the person with the biggest social anxiety in the world
I guarantee you that you're not. I know someone who is too scared to go on IRC unless he's drunk.
I started taking Vitamin D pills and I noticed I am much more sociable.
Before I use to be awkward when people talked to me and I would just nod or say yeah and not continue conversations at all. Now I can actually reply and continue conversations. This could be a coincidence however, since I don't know what Vitamin D does specifically.
Before I use to be awkward when people talked to me and I would just nod or say yeah and not continue conversations at all. Now I can actually reply and continue conversations. This could be a coincidence however, since I don't know what Vitamin D does specifically.
Finaika
Member
I'll try this.
Jamie xxoo
Member
I've learned I can't avoid anxiety in the situations where I'm prone to it. I've just had to accept that I'll feel it in those situations and that there's no avoiding or getting around it. It's the avoiding that causes the real problems. The little awkward moments and uncomfortable situations where you freeze or say something stupid don't really hurt you in the long run. Medicating, staying at home, missing out - those are the things that do.
So, just get used to the anxiety and don't be afraid to feel it. Or, be afraid, and do it anyway. You can do more than you think you can.
So, just get used to the anxiety and don't be afraid to feel it. Or, be afraid, and do it anyway. You can do more than you think you can.
Frank "Trashman" Reynolds
Banned
drugs. i'm on adderall, xanax, klonopin yay
Frank "Trashman" Reynolds
Banned
I'm not even sure I would call what you just describe as a real anxiety problem... pausing or saying something stupid would be a lot better than the severe anxiety attacks and depression I get to enjoy. I guess we can say you have mild anxiety issues, but you make it sound so easy!
Impeccable
Member
Undiagnosed but real case over here.
I would have loved to slowly increase my public stuff slowly but surely because I found myself turning into a recluse without realizing it. You can lose control very quickly.
Getting professional help is probably the right move to make but... going into a very stressful one-on-one verbal session with a stranger isn't the easiest thing to convince someone with social anxiety to do. That's why I could never make the jump.
When my daughter was born nine months ago, going to the hospital and helping my wife with thirty-six hour labour was the first 'in the deep end' moment I had no control over. I was thrown into that with little preparation and as the hours ticked by and more and more medical people popped in it already started to ease slightly.
After that my daughter was admitted to hospital for two weeks and my wife and I were in a position where we both could stay with her in the hospital full time, so as she left to do things there was a chance medical people could come into the room at anytime. Probably saw dozens of different nurses and medical professionals over the course of those days. Another large chunk dissolved.
I'm in a much better place with it now, I can go out to store and not be on edge about a stranger talking to me to ask advice or talk about my daughter but I still have limitations. Now is the time I should probably get professional help because it's more possible I could handle the appointment but I feel like I've got it under control and will intervene before I get any worse this time.
TLR... Either deep end yourself until the point where you can see a professional or slowly, VERY slowly build up your confidence over time until that point. If you suddenly feel like you can control it (I'm sure not all cases you can.) make sure to give yourself realistic reality checks to maintain a healthy level of security in social situations.
I would have loved to slowly increase my public stuff slowly but surely because I found myself turning into a recluse without realizing it. You can lose control very quickly.
Getting professional help is probably the right move to make but... going into a very stressful one-on-one verbal session with a stranger isn't the easiest thing to convince someone with social anxiety to do. That's why I could never make the jump.
When my daughter was born nine months ago, going to the hospital and helping my wife with thirty-six hour labour was the first 'in the deep end' moment I had no control over. I was thrown into that with little preparation and as the hours ticked by and more and more medical people popped in it already started to ease slightly.
After that my daughter was admitted to hospital for two weeks and my wife and I were in a position where we both could stay with her in the hospital full time, so as she left to do things there was a chance medical people could come into the room at anytime. Probably saw dozens of different nurses and medical professionals over the course of those days. Another large chunk dissolved.
I'm in a much better place with it now, I can go out to store and not be on edge about a stranger talking to me to ask advice or talk about my daughter but I still have limitations. Now is the time I should probably get professional help because it's more possible I could handle the appointment but I feel like I've got it under control and will intervene before I get any worse this time.
TL
R... Either deep end yourself until the point where you can see a professional or slowly, VERY slowly build up your confidence over time until that point. If you suddenly feel like you can control it (I'm sure not all cases you can.) make sure to give yourself realistic reality checks to maintain a healthy level of security in social situations.Well, I'm hot and that's never helped me with my anxiety. Self esteem is not just about looks. I'm just not very confident about my social skills.
Yeah, I could see that helping me and I need money, so it wouldn't be such a bad idea I suppose
Just for one week? I've been doing that for years now and I've never regretted saying yes. I've learned to never refuse an opportunity anymore.
It really really doesn't. If I don't masturbate for a few days I'm horny all the time and can't think of anything but sex anymore. It makes me a lot less social.
This is a problem cause I've always been a bad sleeper. I'm usually still very tired after 8 hours of sleep and I can easily sleep through several alarm clocks going off at once. This sometimes changes though. When I had a boyfriend or just some friends I didn't have this problem anymore, so I'm sure it's psychological.
Check!
I will cut back on porn, but masturbation is another thing (see above).
Good advice.
This should be easy. I've been drinking 2-3 liters of milk a day for years and I hate sweet food, so I've never liked anything with tons of sugar.
I never liked fruit though, can't eat it without gagging. It's some sort of eating disorder. The only fruit I can eat are bananas.
That's always been my attitude and it doesn't help. People like to take advantage. Being more assertive seems to be more helpful, like being honest if you don't like something.
I'm not sure, I hate self help coaches and Tony Robbins is very annoying.
I've tried journals and writing down goals and I think it's bullshit, sorry. It feels very awkward and unnatural.
That's really awful advice. Weed makes me paranoid as fuck. I got ephedrin for middle ear problems and it just makes me jittery like I've drunk way too much coffee.
Atramental
Banned
Everyone is different so I can see why some of my tips might not work for you but most of the stuff that I wrote down should put you on the right path.
echoshifting
Banned
My brother-in-law started seeing a therapist (at first once a week, now once a month) and taking paroxetine...went from a guy who didn't really leave his apartment except for work to a guy who snowboards almost every week and has the first serious girlfriend he has ever had in his life. He started working on it about nine months ago, I think.
Same thing happened with me. Totally shy, an introvert to boot, and my mandatory Speech class in college was the most valuable class of my entire education.
youngplaya21
Member
Quick question: what do you mean by the 5-10 deep breaths thing? Do you mean just stop and do it randomly throughout the day, or what? And plan on starting a few of the things on the list (already do the stuff dealing with exercising and food), namely the journal and Tony Robbins stuff.
And to the OP: do you have any plan of attack for your SA so far? Reading your last post, it seems that you already do most of the stuff we've suggested.
crimzonflame
Member
Search for a local Toastmasters club in your area.
I'm going to start exercising and adjust my diet. I will also work on getting a more regular sleep schedule. Once that has become a habit I'm ready to take the next step (not sure what that will be yet).
I've got some advice as well for those with the same problem: one step at a time. Don't make any ambitious plans that require you to change everything at once, cause you'll just end up not doing it. You'll be much more likely to succeed if you take it one small step at a time.
Atramental
Banned
You can but it's probably best do this in one sitting. Just do this whenever you have some down time.
edit: Oh, one more thing that I forgot to mention.
Once you inhale hold your breathe for 10 to 15 seconds and exhale slowly.
Oh my God! I have this same exact problem and I have social anxiety. Have you been reading my mind?
I subscribed to the news letter, thanks. In the GAF meet ups and and in a lot of social situation, I've been told that I speak quickly or to repeat myself. A lot of people are afraid to tell others to slow down. I only speak slow when I'm extremely relaxed. I'm seeing a therapist for this (no medication).From someone who had/still has anxiety...
Just go out and do stuff.
Every little thing you do can be seen as a 'victory', and then you get to the point where you've built up loads of confidence.
Not the same thing (I was more generalised) but 4 years ago I couldn't imagine myself outside with loads of people in a crowded place....then I went to Reading festival 2 years in a row
But yeah, it sounds silly - but if you're worried about doing something/speaking to people - do it. Think of it as a specific goal and rush towards it; big sense of accomplishment and then you can look back and think "i'm fine with this".
Another fantastic piece of advice that I completely agree with. I found that doing work-study, going to gaming events (e.g. launch parties, Capcom Fight Clubs), going to GAF meet ups, volunteering, and working at Comic Con did wonders for me. I'm planning on applying to work at the NY Comic Con again in the fall.
I also joined a fraternity recently (which I'm still iffy about) to help. I met a ton of people working at the NYCC, talked a ton, and at a Fight Club I met a couple of people that I still talk to every now and then.
Every time I do something that's good such as passing exams and going to a social event, I give myself a pat in the back and tell myself that I'm proud of myself.
In my experience, I went to the Toastmasters that's in my school about twice, then I backed out from fear. It's been a year since I haven't gone back. But Toastmasters is incredibly good for this stuff because of the positive reinforcement and doing public speaking.
I'm determined to go back, but every time I go near the room, I get the meanest anxiety rush and get paralyzed by anticipatory fear so I turn back and leave. I'm afraid of being judged by this one member who once told me not to disappear on him, but I did. This is the biggest fear that I have; going to social events and talking to women pales in comparison to going back to Toastmasters.
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OP, I would definitely suggest going to the gym as well as going to social events that make you feel uncomfortable and events that are right along your interests such as the type of events that I mentioned above (again, GAF meet ups, gaming events, school social events, etc.). Even doing something as simple as talking to strangers in a multiplayer game helps.
If nothing else, find a support group that will cheer you on because having positive people around you is good and let me tell you, positiveness is contagious and will spread to you. Nothing is better than that. Negative Nancy's will bring you down.
I myself still have a lot to work on such as being able to relate to women, and going to a couple of social events/settings that scare the hell out of me such as the aforementioned Toastmasters. I'm also very independent/solitary by nature, so I haven't hung out with any of my fraternity brothers outside of school as a result; I haven't warmed up to them. I got invited to celebrate a member's birthday today. It's scary to think about it because it means that I have to spend money. I might just go for it.
I am scared of asking women out after my last bad experience that left me feeling scared of rejection and touching women while flirting with them (such as the arms, hands, and hair).
Yesterday, I took a walk into Central Park to enjoy the scenery and the nice weather. While I was alone and I yearned for the company of a woman since I saw a lot of people in pairs/groups hanging out, I was happy just to appreciate thinking and taking in the scenery.
So OP, you could definitely do it. A lot of people have given great advice in this thread. Do the things that you to do (such as drawing and writing poetry in my case) to boost your confidence. I too am a handsome guy and still have my share of confidence issues.
replicashooter
Banned
From the sounds of it, this:
Will solve all of your problems (but may give you another one). Take some, do what you do and then observe the effects on you and replicate then minus the yola. YMMV
replicashooter
Banned
Don't take this the wrong way but I don't believe you. I didn't say become a raving cokehead what I suggested is a bit more scientific. The low feelings come from a depression in the amount of dopamine thats flying around your brain, the sniff unleashes a torrent of it at which point you should switch from tooted up nob jockey to silent observer and note exactly what difference the coke is making to your mental processes then emulate them when you are straight to rewire your brain into that hyper mode.
Neurons that fire together wire together, just as your current limp wristed social ineptitude is a learnt behaviour pattern so will the new one be. Only thing is the new one will be awesome for yourself and all around.
The trick to life is remembering that people like people that make them feel nice and the only way to make the light shine on others is to make sure your own life is bright first.
Actually, most of these social anxiety disorders come from serotonin imbalances. Using substances that mess with dopamine levels only temporary mask symptoms, and can sometimes elevate the "effects" of the serotonin imbalances.
What people feel isn't "depression" it's lack of control, so to speak which tends to lead to frustration rather than feeling down.
lol
Foxtastical
Member
I have to agree with him. Getting a retail job at the end of high school and working through undergrad really opened me up. You learn how to communicate in differing environments, and you soon learn that you need to stop caring so much about what others think about you in social situations. Retail forces you to socialize. Working retail is a great way to learn more about communication and socialization.
And yes, I hate retail jobs, they're terrible, but sometimes you have to do them.
And yeah, don't take drugs/medicine to deal with this yet. Reserve that for a worst case scenario.
when i had social anxiety, it was the energies in my abdomen area that were keeping me from socializing. Everybody that has it now, pay attention next time you get the anxiety, it'll be in your stomach/chest/shoulder or all of the above.
my brain would tell me to talk, or think of something, but you can't do that if your nervous system is going haywire
This couldn't be more wrong. Yeah, I know the feeling in the abdomen, but most times I have anxiety it's not there. Only when I have to speak in front of my class.
So I'm pretty sure what's you're describing is not anxiety but simply being nervous. People think they can relate because they know how it feels to be nervous, but I think those people should fuck off. It's not even comparable.
Uhm I think you should re-read the thread then because I'm already taking action and it seems pretty logical to reject suggestions that I've tried multiple times before. For example I know that stopping masturbating doesn't help for me, so why should I try again? Why should I try a public speaking class if a month of full-time teaching didn't help? I even did a damn good job at teaching, but it didn't help me in other social situations.
Foxtastical
Member
Work retail. Lose your dignity.
As stabbie pointed out, you're confusing nerves with anxiety. Everyone gets nerves, and everyone gets over them with a nice dose of grab-you-ball-and-swing-them-over-your-shoulder.
The anxiety being talked about goes way way beyond nerves.
youngplaya21
Member
Doesn't seem like it to me.
And as for the 'work retail' comments: it's aimed more for the people in their late teens/early twenties. And idk where the hell people were working during that age, but i didn't know many people who DIDN'T have that sort of job when they were around that age. So idk where the hell this 'lose your dignity' crap is coming from... We're not saying to quit your job as an engineer or something to work at walmart....
And the breathing thing Atramental suggested works pretty well. I usually blow off the breathing suggestions because, well it's just breathing, but it does calm me down. Also plan on trying the suggestion Copernicus said too. I don't studder, but apparently i talk fast as hell. I chalked it up to my mom talking fast too, but i also mumble a lot, so it sounds like it's more SA than anything. Seems to pair pretty well with the breathing, too
I got over anxiety by tackling it head on and forcing myself to be in situations that triggered my anxiety (IE being around big groups of people etc)
It took awhile and from time to time i still get that anxiety attack but i just breath and go on about it, you can't let it control your life.
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