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How do I not hate myself?

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Grakl

Member
I'm not gonna give a psychiatric analysis; not the guy for that. Gotta say that you got some great music, though, and it's right up the alley of music that I like. I'd quickly buy an album if you made one.
 

Fracas

#fuckonami
I know it's been said a lot, but seriously, get some help. There are people that know how to deal with these issues that can help you. In the meantime, throw yourself into activities. Make more music. The track I listened to was damn good, make more of it. With talent like that, who knows what could happen.
 

Sadsic

Member
damn people, im flattered how much yall are liking my music...

that one track "my friends" was an experiment to see how many samples i could collide into one song, i think its like 20-26 people giving me a bunch of different sounds that made that songs


thank you for listening, thank you for not calling me horrible for just whining unendingly
 

Sadsic

Member
yes, and no, I don't need a memorial haha. just keep making good shit. find a way to go on tour, srsly, I think you'd find it therapeutic.

i have craaaazy anxiety about how to even play live... im not sure if i could do it without just starting to yell about being raped or something in the middle of my performance lol
 
i have craaaazy anxiety about how to even play live... im not sure if i could do it without just starting to yell about being raped or something in the middle of my performance lol
You could be like bogdan rackzynski and sit under the table the whole time :D

Maybe consider doing live stuff at lounges and stuff? I have friends who dj gigs like this and they are kind of off in the background and not really the focus of attention.
 

CrankyJay

Banned
i have craaaazy anxiety about how to even play live... im not sure if i could do it without just starting to yell about being raped or something in the middle of my performance lol
This made me chuckle. You could always go with a helmet or mask.
 

Sadsic

Member
You could be like bogdan rackzynski and sit under the table the whole time :D

Maybe consider doing live stuff at lounges and stuff? I have friends who dj gigs like this and they are kind of off in the background and not really the focus of attention.

to be honest i have very unorthodox ways of making music and im not sure how they would translate live; i'd probably be much more of a noise artist that way
 

Korey

Member
Cut off all ties with everyone you know. Get a job (like McDonalds). Get your own place (with roommates probably for money reasons). And get help for your disorders once you can.

Start over.
 

Sadsic

Member
this is crazy how you ignored the overwhelming advice to back off the internet (after saying you would!), and suddenly we're talking about your music, kinda sus judging by your twitter but idk.

Have you done anything to get help yet? At least tried calling a crisis hotline? Now that it's been some time since you've made this thread, has your anxiety lessened at all? (That's assuming you're dealing with anxiety right now)

I'll stress again (as someone who has sought GAF's advice many times and found out what's good through trial and error) that you need to find little steps and seize them. Recovery is all about momentum. As soon as you start making steps to get help (this thread being a good start), you'll find more and more energy to continue on.

wishing you the best.

i think im going to call this number someone pm'd me tonite when everyone's asleep...

i have a meeting to get a therapist tomorrow and am seeing a doctor about meds an hour later

anxiety is lessened than yesterday

edit: what about my twitter? i use it like 10 times a year
 

Sadsic

Member
dude i'm not trying to attack you, it's not like there's anything bad there.. it's just your music. i'm sorry if this was misinterpreted, not my intent.

and a bunch of music uploads in april - about a year? taken off for a while brings down the average.

have you sought out any labels? my cousin does beats, he's trying to get hooked up with brainfeeder.

i work with a music collective of sorts, would love to have just a home label but i generally dont get too much responses when i send in stuff
 
My first impression when reading your story was "this is the life every artist wishes they had, a life no one deserves full of pain and suffering" and I was going to suggest finding an artistic outlet. It seems you have already done that and it is really, really good. If I was in any kind of scouting position I would be personally endorsing you.
 

Dartastic

Member
i work with a music collective of sorts, would love to have just a home label but i generally dont get too much responses when i send in stuff
I'm the music director for KPSU, in Portland, OR.

Usually people don't get responses for a very simple reason. Either the people in charge of music stuff (like me) get way too much stuff and they focus on stuff that's being promoted by an agency because 99% of the stuff that we get outside of promotions companies is ass, or because they're just lazy and don't wanna look through it because it looks amateurish. I admit I fall to both of these things. I TRY to listen to at least one song off of every album that comes our way, but sometimes I definitely just throw stuff out.

That being said, I've heard the first track off of B. Forever. I think it's really cool, to be honest. I'll definitely go back and listen to some more of it later. Yeah dude. Keep putting energy into music. This is seriously good stuff. I'd play it on my show, for sure. Regardless, you HAVE to get out there and play live. You have to. You need to figure out how to get over your anxiety somehow and do this live. It's too good to not get out there and perform in front of people, and it'd probably really help some of your problems.
 

Sadsic

Member
I'm the music director for KPSU, in Portland, OR.

Usually people don't get responses for a very simple reason. Either the people in charge of music stuff (like me) get way too much stuff and they focus on stuff that's being promoted by an agency because 99% of the stuff that we get outside of promotions companies is ass, or because they're just lazy and don't wanna look through it because it looks amateurish. I admit I fall to both of these things. I TRY to listen to at least one song off of every album that comes our way, but sometimes I definitely just throw stuff out.

That being said, I've heard the first track off of B. Forever. I think it's really cool, to be honest. I'll definitely go back and listen to some more of it later. Yeah dude. Keep putting energy into music. This is seriously good stuff. I'd play it on my show, for sure. Regardless, you HAVE to get out there and play live. You have to. You need to figure out how to get over your anxiety somehow and do this live. It's too good to not get out there and perform in front of people, and it'd probably really help some of your problems.

tbh i think all the stuff thats on my bandcamp is pretty amateur-ish... the stuff ive been making in the last 9 months or so has a pretty big boost in sound quality
 

Grakl

Member
tbh i think all the stuff thats on my bandcamp is pretty amateur-ish... the stuff ive been making in the last 9 months or so has a pretty big boost in sound quality

You mean the more recent stuff on soundcloud? I'd agree. Much more refined and experienced (?) music. Sounds much more personal, rather than more electronically-influenced as the music on bandcamp is.
 

Stasis

Member
Um, I really think there's money to be made with this music. I spend an obsessive amount of time downloading and listening to electro music online, from the popular to the completely unknown, and I'm 100% sure this is marketable. I'm not saying it will be easy or fast, but I think if you manage to connect with the right outlets this will spread. An interesting concept and well-made HD YouTube video would do wonders, as would exposure from various blogs. I'll send the link to a few I browse. And this has nothing to do with wanting to make you feel better about yourself (though I do wish that too...) it's just plain honesty.

"My Friends" & "Honey" are the standout tracks to me, but I do enjoy the others as well.

Edit: Hadn't seen the soundcloud link, listening to that now. Loving it already...
 

Grakl

Member

Damn. That's excellent.

If you didn't want someone to rap over it, it still works perfectly for listening by itself. But I think it'd work.

Your newer stuff reminds me of turntablists that sample a variety of music and meld them together in a more experimental and free way than modern hip-hop artists do. Love it. I said I would buy an album in an instant earlier - I still would, and have even more reason to, now, though I'm a bit low in the cash right now, haha. What you're doing is interesting and most definitely enjoyable, to say the least.

You need someone to market your stuff, or something. You can make good money off of this.
 

Sadsic

Member
wait, why didn't these therapists communicate their diagnoses directly to you? under what circumstances would the therapists meet with your mother without you? in that sort of situation you'd have to be awfully young, younger than sixteen. were you not able to get another evaluation since?


sorry to derail from the music

was a minor
 

Dartastic

Member
Gaf has been so awesome lately. I live in Portland and I went to PSU...KPSU is the perfect outlet for this music. Listen to this guy. Send him your stuff.
No shit! I had no idea. What do you do in Portland? It'd be really hilarious if I've seen you at a bar or something and had no idea who you are. ...it wouldn't surprise me. Hah.

I just got home from class, but I'm about to listen to the rest of the stuff on Bandcamp and on Soundcloud. Bandcamp first though. :p

As for performing the music, there are definitely ways of doing this kinda stuff live. A lot of this revolves around setting effects that you turn on and off and twisting knobs live and stuff. I'm sure if you sat around and messed with some stuff in Ableton or whatever program you're using you could start to figure it out. As an example.... A sick performance by Baths.

http://www.pitchfork.com/tv/yours-truly/9-baths/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cKArf52l2k
 

Sadsic

Member
No shit! I had no idea. What do you do in Portland? It'd be really hilarious if I've seen you at a bar or something and had no idea who you are. ...it wouldn't surprise me. Hah.

I just got home from class, but I'm about to listen to the rest of the stuff on Bandcamp and on Soundcloud. Bandcamp first though. :p

As for performing the music, there are definitely ways of doing this kinda stuff live. A lot of this revolves around setting effects that you turn on and off and twisting knobs live and stuff. I'm sure if you sat around and messed with some stuff in Ableton or whatever program you're using you could start to figure it out. As an example.... A sick performance by Baths.

http://www.pitchfork.com/tv/yours-truly/9-baths/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cKArf52l2k

i use ableton live, i could definitely work live with it, im just really anxious/phobic in big crowds
 

Dartastic

Member
You could pull a Daft Punk and wear something that hides your face. Helps with me.
You could totally do that. Besides, you'd start really small to begin with anyway. Play in front of some of your friends or something. And just remember, like, you can't succeed if you don't try. In order to succeed, you have to fail. And it's okay to fail. But you really should give it a shot, because it's really cool music. Listening to Honey now. I do like it, genuinely.
 

Sadsic

Member
can you elaborate? You would have to be a very young minor to receive that kind of treatment. Doctors usually don't conduct evaluations only to pass off the results to a parent to handle.. unless the kid is young enough to where he/she wouldn't be able to comprehend the diagnosis.

first time, i was 16, was told by my mom the therapist didnt want to see me anymore, and i didnt see that therapist anymore...

after that, i had a therapist when i was like 17-18 and i was literally told by my mom word for word i was "too far gone" for the therapist to help me

thats my exact memory
 

Plywood

NeoGAF's smiling token!
Sadsic your music is really, really good. I hope you seek the necessary help to get better and I hope you keep improving your work. Wish I could say more, but I believe everyone has already told you what you need to know. Best of luck in getting better.
 
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