KraftyKrankins
Member
It was the same for me man. I stil love mu mom, my dad. I don't wanna lose them. Given somuch to me. It's just too much right now though. They're acting like 15 year olds often. So many fuckups.
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Just renounced my mother today
- Thread starter KraftyKrankins
- Start date
It was the same for me man. I stil love mu mom, my dad. I don't wanna lose them. Given somuch to me. It's just too much right now though. They're acting like 15 year olds often. So many fuckups.
You don't have to fight what's not in your life.
NHarmonic.
Member
lol, fuck that. That shit about blood is thicker than water is bullshit, specially when family can make your life miserable or drive you to the point where OP is.
I don't hate my mother per se, but she comes off very strong and unapologetic when she doesn't get her way. I noticed it a lot more after I got married (actual before too but later in our relationship after we had an argument). We got into tons of arguments during my wedding preparations because she didn't treat our event(s) with respect (hurts more that she basically disrespected my soon to be wife then which was a big no) which broke the camels back.
So we moved a farther distance away (at least 40 minutes) from our 10 minutes distance before. This allowed me (and my wife) to be able to tolerate her during the family events (most times). Still drives me crazy through phone calls though. Sucky part is that I have younger sisters which I used to see a lot but now I don't as much, we have to plan dates with them to go out. This still relieves us a lot of stress we don't need in our lives. She still hasn't been to new apartment; we always get to a point where we are ok and then she does something crazy and start back from square one. Man, we used to do so much with/for my mother but she just doesn't care to treat us like adults. Unfortunately she keeps making it worse so she probably won't even have a decent relationship when we have our kids later. She's going to regret this. So OP, if you can, try to be civilized with her but create a LOT of distance.
So we moved a farther distance away (at least 40 minutes) from our 10 minutes distance before. This allowed me (and my wife) to be able to tolerate her during the family events (most times). Still drives me crazy through phone calls though. Sucky part is that I have younger sisters which I used to see a lot but now I don't as much, we have to plan dates with them to go out. This still relieves us a lot of stress we don't need in our lives. She still hasn't been to new apartment; we always get to a point where we are ok and then she does something crazy and start back from square one. Man, we used to do so much with/for my mother but she just doesn't care to treat us like adults. Unfortunately she keeps making it worse so she probably won't even have a decent relationship when we have our kids later. She's going to regret this. So OP, if you can, try to be civilized with her but create a LOT of distance.
Cutting communication with their abusive parent is not an act of hate. Sometimes ending communication can cause the other party to realize the pain they are causing you.
Staying in a toxic environment and with toxic people isn't a good move either. It's best to leave, like OP said he was doing. Everyone's parents aren't the same as yours or mine. We don't know what OP went thru, how many times he tried to reach out, or what happened. He shouldn't have to honor and respect pieces of shit that try to ruin his life and try to ruin his relationship with other good people.
Sorry about what happened OP. Focus on yourself for now, hopefully your mom will come around one day.
You say she went "crazy", does she have a mental illness by any chance? Mood swings?
Bits N Pieces
Member
Are you a member of the Walton's or something? You obviously have no idea how fucking horrible or evil 'parents' can be to their kids. The least a person can do? Come on.....
I don't have a bitter resentful relationship with my parents, we meet at least once a month...
However you have to acknowledge how toxic your thinking is. Many kids commit suicide because they cannot reconcile their lives with their parents activities. In some of those cases the parents are abusive. So, stay on your high horse and don't deal with the messiness of life, but, don't preach to people whose situation you have no understanding of.
Op, its kinda hard to say anything because we dont know You and your mom And all your story. The best advice i can give is relax, forget everything for Now, play some videogames, take a bath, try not to think on this too much, sleep.
If You have the same opinion Tomorrow, then i wish You the best, Life is complicated sometimes, and you deserve to be around people who accepts and love you.
Good Luck op
If You have the same opinion Tomorrow, then i wish You the best, Life is complicated sometimes, and you deserve to be around people who accepts and love you.
Good Luck op
KraftyKrankins
Member
She's had mood swings yeah. Been a bt supceptible to outside influnence since I can remember. She Made so many mistakes. That's why I regret this. I feel like I did worse with someone that might have a mental inlness. I dunno.She might just be overburdened. She's had a lot to go through.
Sure, but there may come a point when you find that their presence / involvement in your life is doing more harm than good.
You can love, and even respect, someone, but decide that they can't be in your life anymore.
Straight up victim blaming.
I do know how horrible people can be to their children. My mom worked for CPS for over 20 years. There are some messed up things that happen in this world, I get it.
I am telling you now though, the only way to heal from something is to forgive the person that harmed you. You don't have to see them, hang out with them, or whatever but it is necessary to forgive someone if you want to move on and not feel a resentment from an incident.
And to be quite honest, all these responses in this thread are very troubling. So much hate and anger in here, its really kind of sad.
Naked Snake
Member
Parents are people.
People can be all kinds of horrible (including murderers and rapists in extreme cases).
Ergo "Always love/respect/honor your parents no matter what" is a bullshit statement.
People can be all kinds of horrible (including murderers and rapists in extreme cases).
Ergo "Always love/respect/honor your parents no matter what" is a bullshit statement.
What are you talking about? If someone's parents are a constant source of antagony and negativity, they're aren't being hateful for limiting or eliminating contact with them.
You can move on without forgiving the awful things someone has done to you. My girlfriend had a friend who was manipulative and gaslighted her for months. She decided to cut that toxicity out of her life and is doing so much better without that. The same can happen with parents, and forgiving them is definitely not a requirement for your own happiness. It's not one size fits all.
Nah. I don't like my father, he was and still is a terrible person. I owe him nothing, and I spent years of my life putting up with his bullshit because I thought I did. Fuck he left when I was 8 and I was thrilled - every attempt at him connecting with me comes from a desire for selfish validation.
Blood isn't magic, you don't owe anyone enough to sacrifice your mental health on their behalf.
Honestly the weight I feel lifted off my shoulders after I stopped actually excepting a decent relationship with him is amazing. He's just another person to me, and the best lesson he taught me is how to not be a father.
No, that isn't the only way to heal from that. It's impossible to forgive some one for doing something they believe is correct.
Bits N Pieces
Member
The only way to heal from something is completely different for each individual in there own situation, there is no magic bandage you put on that makes everything better.
You can heal in a variety of ways but thanks for the useless platitudes. If the OP decides forgiving is the right way to go he can cross that bridge when he comes to it. The main focus right now should be getting himself better and cutting out those that would do him harm.
Coming to terms with the reality of abuse and, on some level, letting go are important, sure, but you said to love and respect them for raising you. And I say, the victims of abuse do not owe their abusers a heightened level of respect or love.
TheContact
Member
No not always. Just because someone pushed you out of their vagina doesnt give a free pass for ignorance and bigotry. If she cared, their childs sexual orientation would not matter in the slightest bit. Thats not love.
My wifes father is a racist POS and she is so glad she is not part of her life anymore. I got tired of hearing the N word come out of his mouth just bc her first boyfriend was black.
KraftyKrankins
Member
Shit, I'm starting to sober up now. She's still online. Hasn't texted. Thank you all for the posts. I read through all of them. Every opinion meant a lot. I'm sitting here now listening to Witcher 3 music lol. It calms me down somehow. Thanks again. I just hope I didn't cause any damage to her. I just wish she'd be normal.....
Frozenprince
Banned
What? This person's mother was interfering in their life and castigated and demeaned them, screw that. You don't owe your parents to live with their toxicity and damage simply because they raised you.
I'll be sure to tell this to victims of abuse.
I nearly cut my mother off last year, but it wasn't a decision that I made in anger or hatred. I couldn't continue to support her financially or emotionally because of her narcissistic personality. I eventually had to tell her that while my love for her doesn't have limits, my ability to keep her in my life does. Then, you spell out those limits--no more emotional blackmail, no more abusive statements to her grandchildren, no more name calling, etc. If she couldn't agree to it, then I wasn't going to talk to her.
I WAS angry at her, but I knew I could forgive her with time. But for my sake, and the sake of my children, I knew it was the right thing to do.
I can't speak to the OP's situation, but I think your stance is a bit naive. You can love and forgive a person, while acknowledging that they can't be in your life. I wouldn't presume to tell the OP what their limits should be either. You don't know their story.
bonesmccoy
Banned
Frozenprince, speaking from personal experience, forgiving an abuser was the only way I was able to heal. And it's an ongoing thing, because I can never forget what happened.
Honoring your parents doesn't mean taking their shit.
Honoring your parents doesn't mean taking their shit.
KojiKnight
Member
No, that's bullshit. If your family is actively destroying your life, they have given up all right to respect and honor.
Escape Goat
Member
Family and being related are two different things.
La familia
La familia
KraftyKrankins
Member
How did you feel after you told her that? :?/////
I don't know if you've been raised on some religious values or whatever but the world is not black or white, love or hate.
Why should someone honor their parents because they had sex and made a shit job of dealing with the result (a child)?
The honorable thing to do if you can't care for your child is give it up for adoption imo.
Being related does not give you a unconditional ticket to someone's life. I have no issue with my mother, stepfather, or biological father. Never even met my father. He decided he couldn't handle having a child when I was a few months old. I don't resent him for that. I even respect it. But neither do I have a need to add him to my life.
I have a sibling who has been lying and manipulating people since childhood. A year ot so ago he/she got diagnosed with a terminal disease. I still havn't talked to him/her. Do I hate? Not at all. I'm just indifferent. I've been married for 10 years and this sibling hasn't met my wife, not my choice.
Why should I pretend to care about this person with whom the only thing we have in common is a bit of DNA?
I'm sorry but rethoric like yours is what leads to terrible lives and emotional scars.
You don't have to hate to cut something out of your life that is harmful to you.
As for OP. Stay strong. Take comfort from those that you love and love and respect you in return.
Honestly? Relieved. This wasn't the first time that I had tied to convince her to see someone, but this time I couldn't back down. She had also just attacked one of my sisters in my sister's house in front of my sisters small children. That was the final straw for me.
umop_3pisdn
Member
You're tone-deaf and holding some abstract principle as authoritative over someone's real life situation. If this was all as evident as you say then you shouldn't have to generate exaggerated concern over it. I can't imagine anyone reading your "very troubling" comment and thinking that you're being entirely sincere or in good faith. Engaging with people and their problems demands adaptability not simply stating the same thing over and over. Principles exist to respond to our circumstances, not to subordinate them.
Yeah forgiveness is ideal (key word being ideal), and you're being a bad advocate for it.
KraftyKrankins
Member
Thanks. I've had a few final straws myself. I've always held the belief I should still trust her even despite the previous issues we've had. I know, she's the one that made me be into this world but I don;t think I should be held down by other people's beliefs. Always been the kind of a person to do everything by himself, to be his own character, so to say. I grew up immensely as a person through the last few years and finally figured out what I wanna do with my life(a whole different kinda story) and I never expected her to change along with me but she just kept going on with all the meaningless prideful crap. Being a kid, telling your parents how much they've fucked up isn't something I'd reccommend anyone. Or doing it in your mid 20s. I dunno GAF. Tell me if I've fucked up. I think I did right by myself. I just hope I didn't harm her too much, as I already said. Thanks everyone for all the advice. I'll probably go get some sleep now. Between y'all, my friends and my dogs I've had a good bit of support. It really feels good to share this with someone. Thank you everyone for reading my intoxicated ramblings. Have a good night, or morning. I'll make sure tomorrow is better than today. That's what matters for now.
do you have any practical advice to offer on how you would make kraftykrankin's mother respect their sexual orientation and stop her from sending threatening communications to their friends?
it isn't a matter of "forgiving her" for past actions, because in the present their mother is still continuing her unacceptable demeaning behavior
what advice do you have to stop that unacceptable behavior?
andrerobot
Member
please don't honor this post.
You did not fuck up.
"tr4nce 26" is only here to offer banalities.
hydragonwarrior
Member
Moving out will give you the space you need and it'll reduce stress on both your side and hers.
At some point later on you can discuss things with a clear mind. But if you're at each others throats and confrontation is really the only thing that comes to mind when you see each other, that's not going to change until there's some time apart.
Leave with a letter that express how you much you love her, but also how much for why you think it's for the best. Touch base with her when you feel better or wait for her to reach out to you.
Anyway I think you made a good decision as well!
At some point later on you can discuss things with a clear mind. But if you're at each others throats and confrontation is really the only thing that comes to mind when you see each other, that's not going to change until there's some time apart.
Leave with a letter that express how you much you love her, but also how much for why you think it's for the best. Touch base with her when you feel better or wait for her to reach out to you.
Anyway I think you made a good decision as well!
I didnt talk to my parents for a couple years in my 20s. We were able to mend our relationship after that and now we have the best relationship weve ever had. Im thankful for every day we have together free of conflict.
Hopefully the OP and others who have strained relationships with their parents are able to mend things eventually.
Hopefully the OP and others who have strained relationships with their parents are able to mend things eventually.
Autoignition
Member
I never asked to be born, and the way I was raised completely hamstrung me in life and I've been in an ongoing process to unlearn the things I was taught. They provided me a service that I do not want and wish I could get a refund for, quite honestly. So you can take this mentality and shove it.
Anyway.
OP, if you're really feeling uncertain about this, give it time. If in a few days or a few weeks you're still feeling like you did the wrong thing, just apologize. But if after you sober up and sleep on it for a while and you feel like you're better off, keep truckin and more power to you.
pokeystaples
Banned
Wish I had the power to do this right now. Talking to my mom or my brother has started triggering an anxiety response.
Morrigan Stark
Arrogant Smirk
What a bunch of insipid, ignorant horseshit. Abusive parents don't deserve respect or honour.
Again, pure horseshit. There are many ways to heal, you aren't the sole arbiter of that. Who are you to make such claims?
What's sad is reading this condescending tripe.
I cant speak for the person you responded to, but I do feel sad that so many people on GAF seem to have issues with family, depression and similar things. I dont know if people are just more open here or if maybe video games are a common outlet for people who are struggling with various issues (since gaming is what originally brought most of us here), but I get sad at the fact that so many posters seem to be struggling with one thing or the other.
Man, it sucks hearing all these sad stories about having people horrible parents. I'm so lucky my parents absolutely love me and did everything they could while I was growing up to make sure my siblings and I had the best life possible.
Sometimes it's kinda hard to register that some parents can also be absolutely pieces of shit.
Sometimes it's kinda hard to register that some parents can also be absolutely pieces of shit.
andythinkpad
Member
You said renounce but you are really just stop talking to her. Alot of adults do that. You don't need confirmations from other people.
Your posts are nothing but sad. spoken like one who knows not life's struggles and one who cares very little of others.
Respect is a two way street. it takes two to tango. and from what the OP provided, this parent isn't worth the time or effort. nor is she deserving of forgiveness. Maybe if she showed some sort of regret but that isn't revealed so far so we can only infer that she regrets nothing and in which case she is a terrible person who spurns her own for her own twisted ideals.
I have men and women of various backgrounds under my employ who has been subject to abuse from their family. some of have dissolved relationships for the better and are better for it. You have no place to say that such nonsense you spout is the "proper" way.
And worse what you suggest not only disregards the OP but enables the abuser. which in turn leads to future abuse of others. OP asks for help and instead of reaching out, you give him and everyone else here poison. quite ill intentions you have.
OP is his own person and he must pursue happiness. he has no obligation to submit to one who doesn't have his interests at heart. especially one who spurns his very being despite being blood related.
To the OP, there will be wonderful people in all walks of life. sometimes you won't find them in your family. but that is fine. because you can always make your own. If one rejects you, simply move on and move forward. Surround yourself with people who care and respect you for "you". you will find that "family" sometimes doesn't mean blood. blood doesn't matter. while it can be special, not everyone is fortunate to have such, which is why the connections you have with others who are positive in your life are even more important. if you don't have that many connections, then you should probably start and reach out to others. you will be surprised how many wonderful, supportive people are out there if you're willing to find them. and when you are surrounded by such. you will find your happiness, whatever that may be.
Good luck in your endeavors OP. You did nothing wrong. and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You have a right to be happy. don't let negative people take that away from you.
While there is a chance for reconciliation. Like I said, it takes two to tango. while I wouldn't dismiss outright, I wouldn't hold my breath for the immediate future.
You Pay This Much
Member
Yeah, that's tough..