Prax
Member
Lookit me, I am trying to wait for someone to come home so I can take the bus pass so I am going online to respond to things. Darn addictive internet! xD
It might be helpful to have that external support keeping track of your progress for you, and pretty much being a more "objective" view so you don't have to exhaust yourself with constantly being your own judge all the time (and trying to be an objective one at that!). My own view is that the therapist helps you over time to transfer their "powers" of analysis and thought organization and stuff over to you so you internalize it and then it becomes your own skills to use and gain control your life. And then they are always there in case you need a refresher on that.
If you do something wrong, and you try to make amends (I can't really think of an example where it's impossible to make amends--and if it's saying the wrong thing, you apologize for it if it was hurtful or wrong), yet all people do is criticize for the original action, that's not really on you to take. You did your part. Your due diligence/taking responsibility. If other people are stuck on nagging, that's what they are. Stuck. And you don't have to take that, and you can tell them to drop the subject because it's a done deal and it's not funny or helpful. A little self-righteousness or indignation is not a bad thing~! I am not sure who would look down on you and hold onto that view forever (unless they are judgmental in their personalities in the first place).
I used to think that everyone was super critical or judgmental, waiting to gaze down on me for everything (sometimes I still have that feeling because I am very self-critical), but the truth is that most people are probably too busy with their own things to truly look down on others , let alone hold onto any initial judgments for long. I think it is more likely their own self-defense reaction than actually thinking less of you--it's not personal to you, it's their own mess they're sorting out and projecting with.. and that's not really your responsibility to solve unless you want to.
If you are talking about suffering from depression, then no. No one "deserves" that. "Deserve" is a very strange concept in itself and you do not need to use that metric on evaluating suffering from depression and other illnesses. I wish it was easier to disregard that metric when it's not require, since it's such a prominent concept in our search for justice or fairness (and just making sense of life), but it's not very useful in this case. I think it's fair and good if all people, including you, are happy and not suffering, and "deserving" it has nothing to do with it.
Height doesn't have much to do with enjoying surfing, enjoying outings, doing what needs to be done. I understand that you have a lot of anxiety as "looking ridiculous", but you are not going to die from embarrassment, no matter how much it feels like you might. People are not as judgmental as you think (and if they are somehow, it's better to pay no mind to those types as they have their own issues to resolve). Do you judge a friend for being too tall or too short? Would you not give a verbal beatdown to someone who would be audacious enough to tell your friend that he looked too "ridiculous" to hang out with you? That stuff hardly crosses people's minds among friends. It's one of those things you have to practice retraining your thoughts on so that it's not so important and overrides everything else in your social interactions.
The more you practice putting yourself out there and gain the experience of "that wasn't as bad as I thought and even if it was uncomfortable, it wasn't the worst thing ever", the easier it will get to guide your own self-perceptions away form being so height conscious. Maybe it's a far off goal, but in the long run, you could even embrace this and enjoy your height as a quirk or feature.
Maybe you can change that unforgettable phrase in your mind. Instead of "Just be tall", change the meaning and context to suit your needs. Agree that it means "just stand up for yourself, feel confident, have an assured posture". Because that's likely what it really is about in the end. I know females tend to gravitate to taller guys, but that's likely because they want to get a sense of being protected or something, but you can also project that to women by being confident and skilled and I think many shorter men are able to do that to attract all sorts of women.
(Also, 5'4" is slightly above average for a female in height, so at least you know you're taller than half of all women anyway. You're already taller than me!)
Okay.. back to tasks! (lol.. watch me be back to respond anyway..)
Hm. I am not even sure how all of that works, but IF you will get your stipend after you pay them the $6000, is it possible to arrange for a short-term loan from the bank (or friend/family member!) to do this? You would basically be paying them back with the stipend, but it would keep you officially registered in the program and give you access to all the school support, right?
Do you mean that they only want to assess you at first and get a feel for how much meds might help you? That could be the case (hopefully if they found that you were in great need, they will refer you to a psychiatrist or something after). But the talking, as awful as it is to divulge sensitive information to a literal stranger face-to-face, might help or even be cathartic in the long run. Put in the effort so you can say at least you tried--plus, it might actually help! Maybe your therapist will make good and practical suggestions for improving your communication strategies too.
It might be helpful to have that external support keeping track of your progress for you, and pretty much being a more "objective" view so you don't have to exhaust yourself with constantly being your own judge all the time (and trying to be an objective one at that!). My own view is that the therapist helps you over time to transfer their "powers" of analysis and thought organization and stuff over to you so you internalize it and then it becomes your own skills to use and gain control your life. And then they are always there in case you need a refresher on that.
If you do something wrong, and you try to make amends (I can't really think of an example where it's impossible to make amends--and if it's saying the wrong thing, you apologize for it if it was hurtful or wrong), yet all people do is criticize for the original action, that's not really on you to take. You did your part. Your due diligence/taking responsibility. If other people are stuck on nagging, that's what they are. Stuck. And you don't have to take that, and you can tell them to drop the subject because it's a done deal and it's not funny or helpful. A little self-righteousness or indignation is not a bad thing~! I am not sure who would look down on you and hold onto that view forever (unless they are judgmental in their personalities in the first place).
I used to think that everyone was super critical or judgmental, waiting to gaze down on me for everything (sometimes I still have that feeling because I am very self-critical), but the truth is that most people are probably too busy with their own things to truly look down on others , let alone hold onto any initial judgments for long. I think it is more likely their own self-defense reaction than actually thinking less of you--it's not personal to you, it's their own mess they're sorting out and projecting with.. and that's not really your responsibility to solve unless you want to.
Yay~~! Congrats! Now your own son will have someone to play big brother to? Gaining lackeys? Haha~
Most likely, or at the very least a person capable of much good! And either way, you are a person, which is intrinsically valuable in itself.
If you are talking about suffering from depression, then no. No one "deserves" that. "Deserve" is a very strange concept in itself and you do not need to use that metric on evaluating suffering from depression and other illnesses. I wish it was easier to disregard that metric when it's not require, since it's such a prominent concept in our search for justice or fairness (and just making sense of life), but it's not very useful in this case. I think it's fair and good if all people, including you, are happy and not suffering, and "deserving" it has nothing to do with it.
Do you know the reason why it may have compounded? And if there is no reason, maybe you just need a higher dose or a change to a different med? Five years is a long time and changes might have occurred. It's good that you haven't been feeling suicidal though, which I assume you might have been in your past? Talk to your therapist or doctor about it as a checkup.
I dunno how quickly I'd be able to reply back if it's super urgent, and I am not an expert if it's to do with meds, but I will PM you!
It does sound like this esteem issue, which started off as a height difference has become an even bigger problem for you and affects a lot of your life. I think you realize you can't keep letting this dictate your entire life. It's unfair for you.
Height doesn't have much to do with enjoying surfing, enjoying outings, doing what needs to be done. I understand that you have a lot of anxiety as "looking ridiculous", but you are not going to die from embarrassment, no matter how much it feels like you might. People are not as judgmental as you think (and if they are somehow, it's better to pay no mind to those types as they have their own issues to resolve). Do you judge a friend for being too tall or too short? Would you not give a verbal beatdown to someone who would be audacious enough to tell your friend that he looked too "ridiculous" to hang out with you? That stuff hardly crosses people's minds among friends. It's one of those things you have to practice retraining your thoughts on so that it's not so important and overrides everything else in your social interactions.
The more you practice putting yourself out there and gain the experience of "that wasn't as bad as I thought and even if it was uncomfortable, it wasn't the worst thing ever", the easier it will get to guide your own self-perceptions away form being so height conscious. Maybe it's a far off goal, but in the long run, you could even embrace this and enjoy your height as a quirk or feature.
Maybe you can change that unforgettable phrase in your mind. Instead of "Just be tall", change the meaning and context to suit your needs. Agree that it means "just stand up for yourself, feel confident, have an assured posture". Because that's likely what it really is about in the end. I know females tend to gravitate to taller guys, but that's likely because they want to get a sense of being protected or something, but you can also project that to women by being confident and skilled and I think many shorter men are able to do that to attract all sorts of women.
(Also, 5'4" is slightly above average for a female in height, so at least you know you're taller than half of all women anyway. You're already taller than me!)
Okay.. back to tasks! (lol.. watch me be back to respond anyway..)
