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My mind is so stressed that I just don't want to live

X

Xtyle

Member
Gaf,the pain and lonelynes is so unbearable that more than many times I am thinking of getting rid of the pain by physical mean. I have kids and I am a healthy 39 yr and my wife refuses to sleep with me. For couple years we slept in the same bed but we had no physical interactions, or I tried but she rejected me and I was extremely lonely and depressed. I told her my feelings and every time it turned out to be a fight. Last month I told her it wasn't gonna work between us if she wasn't going to be different and that had some good results..she had sex with me several times in those few weeks. Then it just stopped..

I tried approach her again last night just for some hugging but she pushed me away saying she didn't want to be touched...I got quiet upset. Tried again tonight and expressed I wanted sex buy she didn't. I got very upset and turned away, angry. She grabbed me into her arms and put her heads on me and kissed my face. I cried and kept telling her to go away but she said I wouldn't be able to sleep if I was angry and she wouldn't too...eventually I got her to go to sleep.

I am feeling so lonely, so depressed and angry and my mind just keeps being angry and cant let go of that. Moments like this I just want to erease my existence and this has been going on for years. There is just so much sadness and hate in my mind that I can't get rid of and I can't direct it at anyone or anythinf and this keeps cycling back every few nights.
I have no way to release this angry other than just struggling with it until it fades away.

In the dark on my bed with her sleeping on the other side...I just keep thinking how wonderful if I just stop my mind from thinking.
 
E

Erv

Member
First off taking your life is never the answer. Think about your kids and how that could affect them. You're still young and healthy. You have time to improve your situation. Tons of time. All this stuff you mention can be solved whether its finding out why your wife is like this and trying to improve things or even finding someone else who can treat you better. But keep in mind there could be a good reason why she's like this.
 
T

titiklabingapat

Member
Have you guys talked about why she is like this? Perhaps she is going through something as well and don't want to tell you for some reason?

Have you guys thought about couples therapy?
 
X

Xtyle

Member
Yes I have asked her about it. It's probably just because we are not financially stable...we make enough but we have a business so it's stressful at times.

She's has been acting stressful due to the kids but they are in daycare now.

I just don't ever feel loved as she's never expressed it in anyway. She more so expressed how much she disliked me and disliked my weight gain. Even so, I don't see why she wouldn't not want sex at all. We are both under 40 and in relatively good shape.

Yes I understand suicide is selfish but with this pain, and not just the pain...the constant anger...I can't help but just think of helping myself get out of it.
 
L

lightskintwin

Banned
Xtyle said:
Yes I have asked her about it. It's probably just because we are not financially stable...we make enough but we have a business so it's stressful at times.

She's has been acting stressful due to the kids but they are in daycare now.

I just don't ever feel loved as she's never expressed it in anyway. She more so expressed how much she disliked me and disliked my weight gain. Even so, I don't see why she wouldn't not want sex at all. We are both under 40 and in relatively good shape.

Yes I understand suicide is selfish but with this pain, and not just the pain...the constant anger...I can't help but just think of helping myself get out of it.
Click to expand...

Have you considered a divorce? Or is it impossible due to ya'll being financially unstable?
 
X

Xtyle

Member
I have considered But I honest don't think it is possible.

My mind is just full of anger and I am unable to think anything else other than focusing on being angry
. I don't know, maybe I am mentally sick.
 
N

Nephtis

Member
I don't know that a divorce will do anything for either of you. But seeking couples therapy definitely will. Perhaps she's just fallen out of love with you and sees you as a partner more than a husband.

Even if she refuses to go to therapy, at the very least you absolutely need it.
 
B

BurritoBushido

Member
Killing yourself is not the answer, you can always press on. If you really feel that way, please find some help. If she's not going to make it work then you might want to think about moving on. Obviously you care very deeply for this woman, but she's not being fair to you. You deserve to be with someone who will appreciate you.
 
A

Acyl

Member
Was in a long-term relationship where the sex suddenly stopped. Quickly led to a few fights then breakup. Hadn't tied the knot. I feel for you - can't really break it off with kids and marriage in the mix.

I guess you should consider whether you want your kids to have divorced parents or a somewhat dysfunctional two parents, and sex probably shouldn't be the first priority over your family (you can do it yourself every day...).

Other than that - talk to your wife but not like she's a sexual object who's defying you. Take care of yourself first (without cheating!), then deal with the emotional problems like loneliness, maybe solved through therapy.
 
P

PeakPointMatrix

Member
I want kids more than anything...

Please think of your little ones and what a treasure they are. They still have their whole lives ahead of them and need a papa with them as they grow up.
 
T

TheCthultist

Member
GamerJM said:
Serious advice: Call the suicide prevention hotline. 1-800-273-8255. Just do it.
Click to expand...

Seriously, take that advice and that number.
No matter how bad the situation gets, suicide is never going to make it better. If anything its going to force the pain onto those you care about and who care about you the most.
Unfortunately, it kind of sounds like you and your wife simply aren't right for each other anymore. It happens more often than you might think. It could be any number of reasons and, if you feel like giving marriage counseling a try, its totally possible that it could still work out in time.
 
L

Locke562

Member
GamerJM said:
Serious advice: Call the suicide prevention hotline. 1-800-273-8255. Just do it.
Click to expand...

Call this; seek therapy; consider couples therapy in that order. We all need help sometimes. It's nothing to be ashamed of just another part of being human.
 
D

dragonzdogma

Member
Womens #1 priority is financial stability.
Sex is at the bottom of the list.

Guys #1 priority is Sex , second is respect.
Financial stability not that high on the list.

It's no wonder you're feeling very insecure.

Spend more time with the kids, if possible get a part time job, even if it's a small amount money coming in, she will appreciate the effort.

Make her feel wanted, look into her eyes when you speak to her and don't be the first to look away, every once in a while look at her mouth for several seconds. And tell her how beautiful she is.

But before any of this, go read a good book,
The Bible did wonders for me, it allow me to appreciate the little things in life and how lucky and blessed I'm when you really think about it.Your insecurities might be making her feel less dependant on you, so we need to focus meditate in life and learn to appreciate, rain, your health, the fact that you can breathe, walk, run see , taste ,ect.

My friend, I'll be praying for you, and if you don't believe in that, just know that I'm wishing for positive things in your life.
 
S

Stop It

Perfectly able to grasp the inherent value of the fishing game.
GamerJM said:
Serious advice: Call the suicide prevention hotline. 1-800-273-8255. Just do it.
Click to expand...
This.

Anyone in the UK feeling similar should always give the Samaritans a call.

To the OP: Sex is only one way to show affection in a relationship and you need to both find ways to do so, especially if there's lots of stress. Forcing the idea will create long term resentment and doesn't fix anything. It's like taking drugs in a way, a short term hit that doesn't address the issues underlying. It'll never be enough. Also if you make steps to be closer and intimate in day to day interaction, you'll likely find an improvement in the bedroom also.

Putting children in nursery doesn't erase a mother's feelings of stress in parenting either. Don't belittle her feelings, it won't help and if you aren't, step up with the parenting. Spending time with my little girl always comes before "me time" and while it's hard, it does help.

Look up support groups for couples locally. I don't think divorce is an answer as it won't address why you're feeling like this.
 
K

Kagrra

Neo Member
There are a couple of options. Killing yourself is NOT one of these. If you need call suicide prevention hotline.

In my experience first course of action for you is to sit down and think if you want to save your marriage or not. Couples therapy with experienced therapist/psychologist is the way to go, but your wife needs also to agree to it and she also needs to want to save your marriage.

I would reccomend personal therapy to work on your problems and improve your wellbeing.

If she is not interested on working on your relationship it's probably better to just divorce or find a lover and treat wife as a friend (if you like spending time together).
 
S

Slaythe

Member
I mean, if she makes you miserable, knows she does, and does nothing to help or explain the problem despite you asking, then she's quite selfish.

So fuck that and get a mistress. You keep the wife for the kids and out of convenience regarding your finances, she keeps doing nothing with you, and you're happier and have someone to be passionate about, that makes you feel a lot better in various ways.

Win win
 
Y

Yoshimitsu126

Member
Slaythe said:
I mean, if she makes you miserable, knows she does, and does nothing to help or explain the problem despite you asking, then she's quite selfish.

So fuck that and get a mistress. You keep the wife for the kids and out of convenience regarding your finances, she keeps doing nothing with you, and you're happier and have someone to be passionate about, that makes you feel a lot better in various ways.

Win win
Click to expand...

She will probably know when OP stops asking for sex and keeps coming home with all smiles from a fishing trip with buddies.

Or at least gets curious when he forgets to bring his stuff one day.
 
onken

onken

Member
Acyl said:
Was in a long-term relationship where the sex suddenly stopped. Quickly led to a few fights then breakup. Hadn't tied the knot. I feel for you - can't really break it off with kids and marriage in the mix.
Click to expand...

Yes, you can. It's hard and it's expensive but it's never impossible and certainly better than forcing your kids or yourself through a miserable existence for years or even decades. If breaking up is what it takes OP then you need to be prepared for that possibility. It is possible no matter how broke you are and people do it all the time.
 
S

Slaythe

Member
Yoshimitsu126 said:
She will probably know when OP stops asking for sex and keeps coming home with all smiles from a fishing trip with buddies.

Or at least gets curious when he forgets to bring his stuff one day.
Click to expand...

But that should be the goal, mistress or not.

He should learn to find joy and happiness beyond his wife. Enjoy himself out. She makes him miserable so might as well be doing things elsewhere.
 
D

DieNgamers

Member
The problem seems to be your relationship and not you. Don't throw away your awesome life, your kids will need and love you in the future. :)

Apart from obvious suicide prevention hotlines there are also options like marriage advisors or counseling in general.

Make sure your wife knows the extent of the stress you are experiencing – you shouldn't be forced to carry the burden alone! I was in a kinda simiIar situation once and I think know that kind of stress. I basically I pulled the plug and moved out when it became unbearable to me.

Keep strong!
 
Z

Zzzonked

Member
Dude think of your kids. You can always find another woman if stuff with your Mrs doesn't work out. Your kids won't ever be able to find another father.

If you're overweight and unhappy with your body, hit the gym and start eating well. Focus on that and the sex will come.
 
J

jdstorm

Banned
Sounds rough OP, but there is a way forward you have a lot to live for your kids being the biggest reason.

Remember ultimately the worst kind of relationship you can be in is an unhappy one. Sleep on your feelings tonight/Today and talk with your wife about seeing a couples counselor. They will be the best people to help you work through this difficult patch you are currently going through.

Then let things go where they will. If that means asking for an open relationship or a divorce or anything else that you need to get through the day then don't be afraid to ask.
 
V

Ventilaator

Banned
Xtyle said:
Yes I have asked her about it. It's probably just because we are not financially stable...we make enough but we have a business so it's stressful at times.

She's has been acting stressful due to the kids but they are in daycare now.

I just don't ever feel loved as she's never expressed it in anyway. She more so expressed how much she disliked me and disliked my weight gain. Even so, I don't see why she wouldn't not want sex at all. We are both under 40 and in relatively good shape.

Yes I understand suicide is selfish but with this pain, and not just the pain...the constant anger...I can't help but just think of helping myself get out of it.
Click to expand...

There's stress due to the business, stress due to the kids, she flat out told you she dislikes your weight, and you can't see why she maybe would not be particularly interested in sex?

How does that make sense.
 
B

Beer Monkey

Member
I was there and felt so much better after my divorce and my new life.

Ups and downs. sure. But so much better overall.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you can have a new life. Trust me.
 
C

Cow Mengde

Banned
On top of not killing yourself, please seek couples counseling. You guys need this to figure out what's wrong with each other. First help yourself. You're the one who needs help the most right now, OP.
 
H

Heckler456

Banned
Just out of curiosity, what kind of business do you guys have?

Anyway, yeah, this seems like a tough situation. Don't really have an answer for you beyond go seek help. Both for you personally (even if it's a friend to confide in), but definitely couples therapy. You guys gotta figure out where this is coming from, cause you're clearly hurting.
 
P

peanutbutterlatte

Member
Sounds cheesy but have you thought about a romantic night with her? Take some time to not simply ask for sex, but get to know each other again, go to a (not necessarily expensive if you're financially troubled) restaurant. I've never been married, but the successful marriages I've seen continue to do things together, have fun times.

I'm not saying sex has to be earned but it can't be expected either.
 
A

Aiii

So not worth it
See a professional. First for yourself, and then maybe as a couple. But it seems that you first need to sort out how to deal with your own stress and depression and then you can work on external factors.
 
D

dopplr

Member
Only thing I'll say is that you're putting a lot of pressure on your wife to love you and it seems you've put this relationship above your own self in terms of importance. Rather than make it work, work on yourself and find your own happiness. Learn to love yourself rather than wallow about, what honestly seems like a dying relationship.

Take your marriage out of the equation. Do you not feel like you have a purpose towards your child, and ultimately yourself?

Hope things work out for you.
 
Ozzy Onya A2Z

Ozzy Onya A2Z

Member
Young kids OP? It's a rough ride for all involved. Your strength to overcome and produce happiness in unexpected ways brings joy to your relationship and guides your kids. Give it your all, move out of your comfort zone and as shit as it sounds stop making sex your focus and it will return ten fold. You've entered a different phase of your life and have responsibilities to your kids, wife and yourself. So hang around for a great life as they get older and freedoms within your partnership balance out. This is your wife, lover and mother of your kids. You got this mate! Surprise yourself and her.
 
M

Mohasus

Member
Maybe I'm weird, but reading these "think of x" comments just make me feel worse. I'm already in a bad place and now you are guilt tripping me.

But hey OP, you gotta change things until they work. Find something you want, hold on to that tiny piece of hope and do it. Keep trying until you find what you seek. Maybe losing weight is the answer, maybe it is a divorce, maybe it is finding someone else or maybe a more stable job. You can only make your life better if you are alive. Sure, being dead will prevent it being worse, but you'll die anyway, might as well give it a shot to live a good life.
 
T

tanooki27

Member
anti-anxiety meds could help with that overwhelmed feeling. if they're right for you, they can calm and lend some perspective.
 
M

Muppet of a Man

Member
OP, please consider sticking around. I feel your pain, man. I am severely obsessive compulsive and have terrible insomnia, I have a 4 year old autistic boy and a new born daughter, and my wife and I have slept together 1 time over the past year (once several months after she gave birth to our daughter). Prior to that, when we were sleep deprived for the first 2 years of my boy's life, we had sex maybe 5 or 6 times over the course of those 2 years. Being a stressed, sleep deprived mother puts a giant damper on her sex drive, and I believe that is quite common with mothers with young kids. I am very frustrated with my job and my current life situation, as well.

But I am going to tough it out as I always have because you only get 1 life to live. That's it. Period. Don't waste it, even if it's shitty at the moment. It will get better with time. And if you're relationship with your wife doesn't get better, going your separate ways and making a new life for yourself is a much better option for both you and your loved ones.
 
G

Generic Power Ranger

Member
It sounds like she cares about you from the op, so that's important to remember. How old are the kids? When they are small sex can decrease or even disappear for a long time due to stress and tiredness.
One of the most important things in a relationship is communication.
If you are so unhappy you both should consider options on how to improve the situation. Maybe get a job instead of running a company?

And yeah, consider your kids. It's super important you get better for your own sake, and for theirs (and even for your wife's). If your in a slump mentally a therapist might be the solution like others have suggested. It's good you reach out here on gaf as that shows your desire for betterment, but a therapist can often provide you tools to work with and process things. You don't even have to start out with a couples therapist as that can come later if the idea is too much.

And like some have mentioned, being romantic without the expectation of sex is also helpfull for her as it shows you care about more than just getting into her pants.

I also think that if you both love each other, you should work hard to improve, instead of necessarily throwing the towel into the ring. It is very tough with small kids, but as they grow older and sleep more and grow a little less dependent, you start having more energy and time again.

Good luck op! I hope you guys get to work out your issues.
 
M

Machina

Banned
Get your own bedroom and start the disconnect process, OP. It's expedient for you and your wife to stay "together" for the sake of your business and kids but it is clear from what you're saying that as far as love is concerned, you guys are reaching the end. If you continue to force the issue, the bitterness will only get worse, both for you and her. If you do start sleeping in your own bed and she confronts you over it, it's just another opportunity for you to vent your grievances. How she responds either way will tell you all you need to know about where you're at.
 
S

SomTervo

Member
peanutbutterlatte said:
Sounds cheesy but have you thought about a romantic night with her? Take some time to not simply ask for sex, but get to know each other again, go to a (not necessarily expensive if you're financially troubled) restaurant. I've never been married, but the successful marriages I've seen continue to do things together, have fun times.

I'm not saying sex has to be earned but it can't be expected either.
Click to expand...

This is a good idea. Going on a "date night" irregularly can completely fix some relationship stuff. You get dressed up, feel good, get into a new, psychologically clean environment.

dragonzdogma said:
Womens #1 priority is financial stability.
Sex is at the bottom of the list
Click to expand...
Dude, what the fuck are you talking about.

Awful post. Ignore this man.
 
W

WhatNXt

Member
If my girlfriend and I have sex we sometimes joke that we've had the bi-annual shag. We don't have sex that often, and I'm sure there are a LOT of couples who are the same. There are issues there as to why I'm sure, issues like body confidence, the fact we went through a miscarriage, and other things..

I'm sure if I got really upset about it, and turned away from her in bed, we'd be on the fast track to disaster. But I love her, I'm not entitled to sex, none of us are. It has to be something you're both comfortable with.

With regards to body confidence, we've been working on that, we're both dieting, we've both been losing a heap of weight, and it works, we're both feeling better, looking better, more comfortable around each other. We're both really loving people.

My advice would be don't put pressure on her. Libido is something that fluctuates, and it lessens in some people when they get older, but getting upset and letting it rule your life isn't going to help her libido any. Physical affection is important, but it's not the be all and end all man.

I'd talk with her, and I'd stress this again, don't put pressure on her about it - just explain that you didn't mean to make her uncomfortable, but that you'd just taken it a bit personally, and you want to know if she's ok, is there anything you can do etc.

Find other things you enjoy. We shouldn't be slaves to our biological imperatives. More importantly, find other things you can enjoy with your wife and the kids. It'll help man.
 
W

WhatNXt

Member
RE: Finances: seek advice.

The finances aren't your sole responsibility, even if the debts are all yours, you wouldn't have ended up that way if you were sharing costs properly as a couple. Or if business was better. Talk to someone impartial, look at your ins and outs, and try and identify what's strangling you. You can't fix it until you identify it. It might take short term sacrifice to rectify. It might take years. But step one is figuring out where your boat is leaking.


RE: the weight:

I trained with a personal trainer a few years ago and I lost some weight, but he always told me at the time - muscle and weight loss happens in the kitchen. I didn't really change my habits, stopped the training, and put the weight back on. The best thing I've done this year is join Slimming World. If you follow the plan properly it changes your food habits in a more permanent sense, and helps you build a proper relationship with food. I've lost ~28lbs in a few months and I feel great. Seriously recommend it.
 
Straight Edge

Straight Edge

Member
Tell her if she is unwilling to provide physical intimacy (whether just cuddling or sex) you will be finding it elsewhere married or not.
 
X

Xtyle

Member
I feel better after sleep. Don't want to talk about it. I will discuss it with my wife.

Thank you for the advice and being here to talk to when I didn't have anyone else.
 
S

Somnid

Member
I understand you want a physical relationship but it's a two way street, you don't get sex just because you want it. Ask her what she needs to feel intimate. It is certainly possible that the relationship could dissolve but go to counseling or something to see if you can make it work. If not, you'll probably want to divorce which will be painful but in your best interest.
 
D

Double

Member
Have you tried going to a couple's therapy?

Literally anything's better than taking your life, for example: divorce. If you two can't make it work living together anymore, breaking up is the logical reaction. That way you don't ruin the lifes of anyone involved like as by suicide (your own, obviously, but also your wive's and, most importantly, your kid's!)

Either way, get yourself some help ASAP! There's no shame in that.
 
J

JB1981

Member
Straight Edge said:
Tell her if she is unwilling to provide physical intimacy (whether just cuddling or sex) you will be finding it elsewhere married or not.
Click to expand...

I sort of agree. If your wife doesn't want to touch you, kiss you or fuck you she probably no longer loves you. If you can't have sex with your wife then who the hell should you have sex with?! And if there is no emotional/intellectual connection to fill this void then there is literally nothing there. You are just playing house.

Work on being the best dad you can for your kids and find your own happiness apart from your wife.
 
C

Chuck Norris

Banned
What are you doing to make her feel loved? To make her want you? Sex is not one way, you can't just expect her to spread her legs because you feel like it.

If you haven't explored those options then you can't definitively say it's just her. Try spoiling her abit. Explore ways to make her feel loved and appreciated. It might be surprises, small gifts, taking up some responsibilities around the house she normally does.

If nothing changes then we at least know
 
L

LegendofDragoonLives

Member
Slaythe said:
I mean, if she makes you miserable, knows she does, and does nothing to help or explain the problem despite you asking, then she's quite selfish.

So fuck that and get a mistress. You keep the wife for the kids and out of convenience regarding your finances, she keeps doing nothing with you, and you're happier and have someone to be passionate about, that makes you feel a lot better in various ways.

Win win
Click to expand...
That's much much nicer then I would put it. :D

OP, actual steps I would take in your position:
- call the prevention # given above
- consider going to therapy even if it's just you. Maybe just try it 1-2 times and decide afterwards. I don't suggest therapy like so many gaffers here at all times, but in extreme cases where you consider suicide, it seems worth trying. If you don't like it, dip.
- Go on a diet and hit the gym. I know it's a meme on gaf, but lack of sex would be a huge bummer confidence wise for any guy. If you look better, this will help your confidence and make you feel better. #science I would try to do this with a best friend, so you can talk and shoot the shit while working out (but you know.. don't just talk and have a beer after, take care of your body).
- Have some me time, and work hard to make the hours for it. This is where you discuss with the wife where you have a few hours per week for you. Whether it's movies, games, hobbies, go out and do something that you enjoy without her. Even if it's 2-3 hours a week, do it.
- Hang out with a guy at least once every two weeks. I think this is exceptionally important and too many couples when they get married get away from this. Having someone to talk some shit and blow off steam is better than any therapist imo.
- Have some goals to look forward to. Whether it's work, improving #s at the gym, weight loss/tone, getting better at a hobby whether it's hiking/music, etc, ensure you got something to look forward to.
- Start jerking off to porn. If she's not going to pleasure you, might as well do it yourself fam. If the kids ain't home and she asks, just tell her "I'm about to rub one out" "omg how could you" "you ain't doing anything ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ "
- If she decides to have sex later on with you, you might wanna get better at it. Read up on it if you have to. Also ask her what you can do better and also afterwards maybe make a few suggestions to her (if she doesn't ask) so she helps make you feel better as well. I'm assuming you go down on her? If not, do it.
- Also look into trying to make her happy in some ways, maybe talk to her about it if you haven't. As said above, it nothing changes then at least you tried. :\

- Keep in mind if you off yourself how much it's going to hurt your kids to never see their dad ever again. It will crush and haunt them for decades mate. Forget your wife's feelings here, I'm just talking about the kids. Also keep in mind how much harder their life is going do be without their dad. Life is short, no need to rush the inevitable end.


I wish the best for you and your kids.

dragonzdogma said:
But before any of this, go read a good book,
The Bible did wonders for me, it allow me to appreciate the little things in life and how lucky and blessed I'm when you really think about it.Your insecurities might be making her feel less dependant on you, so we need to focus meditate in life and learn to appreciate, rain, your health, the fact that you can breathe, walk, run see , taste ,ect.
Click to expand...
This might help as well.
 
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