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Dating Age |OT$6| Just ask her out already

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LucidMomentum

Member
OrangeAtlas said:
A friend of mine recently cheated on his significant other, and began dating the girl he cheated with.

I was pretty disgusted by this, and when I called him out he got mad at me and said that I just don't understand.

Can someone else give me a different perspective on this? Do these relationships tend to work out, and was this actually for the best?
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Your friend is an asshole, plain and simple.

Relationships begin and end, but to end one and begin another on the basis of infidelity is selfish and inconsiderate of his current significant other.

If the new significant other was complacent or encouraged it, that's not a great judge of her character either.

If you feel the need or desire to cheat, you should just break up at that point. That's how I've always seen it. No sense in being dishonest to your significant other.
 
O

OrangeAtlas

Member
LucidMomentum said:
Your friend is an asshole, plain and simple.

Relationships begin and end, but to end one and begin another on the basis of infidelity is selfish and inconsiderate of his current significant other.

If the new significant other was complacent or encouraged it, that's not a great judge of her character either.

If you feel the need or desire to cheat, you should just break up at that point. That's how I've always seen it. No sense in being dishonest to your significant other.
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He'd been debating ending things sooner, but then told me that he was going to try and work things out because she clearly loved him and cared about him more than anyone else would.

Then went to another country, cheated, lied about it, dumped her over the phone and began dating the new girl within a week. So it's long-distance also.

I may not have handled it totally maturely (I called him out publicly on Facebook) but I was very hurt by this and clearly his other friends are too. I think our friendship is done and I do feel bad about potentially hurting this new girl who didn't do anything (entirely) wrong, but it just seems like such a monumentally horrible thing to do.
 
manfestival

manfestival

Member
OrangeAtlas said:
A friend of mine recently cheated on his significant other, and began dating the girl he cheated with.

I was pretty disgusted by this, and when I called him out he got mad at me and said that I just don't understand.

Can someone else give me a different perspective on this? Do these relationships tend to work out, and was this actually for the best?
Click to expand...

I went through a similar thing where I am good friends with both of those that were romantically involved. I heard her perspective first and then eventually got to his because I wanted to hear what he said instead of getting on his case(which im sure most people have done so since she put him on blast on social media). Feels like I would have had the same type of brush off response if I didnt just hear his perspective. Guy didn't make any excuses and accepted his actions. The one thing I got from listening to both of them is that communication was not there. If anything, they never discussed between each other the things that bothered them most and the one thing that bothered him most he never told her and he let it fester to the point he wanted to move on but didnt want to let go.

I guess my point is to maybe hear your friend out and see why he made the decision that he did. Yeah it was a bad move and sometimes people need to make stupid mistakes to learn the hard way. It sucks but such is life.
 
G

Gotdatmoney

Member
OrangeAtlas said:
He'd been debating ending things sooner, but then told me that he was going to try and work things out because she clearly loved him and cared about him more than anyone else would.

Then went to another country, cheated, lied about it, dumped her over the phone and began dating the new girl within a week. So it's long-distance also.
Click to expand...

He's a dick and his new relationship is not going to work out. That said it's not your relationship and you need to leave it the fuck alone.

I may not have handled it totally maturely (I called him out publicly on Facebook) but I was very hurt by this and clearly his other friends are too.
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That was fucking childish. Grow up man, this is not your relationship, I don't give a fuck how (overly) invested you feel, it's none of your business to be hopping on facebook telling the world. Be more invested in your own shit and less in his. If yoh can't be his friend because of this that is fine but be an adult about it. If you want to tell him stuff address it privately.

I think our friendship is done and I do feel bad about potentially hurting this new girl who didn't do anything (entirely) wrong, but it just seems like such a monumentally horrible thing to do.
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Who gives a fuck about the new girl lol? If you help someone cheat then no one owes you the duty of care of considering your feelings. That said, get your nose outta your freinds shit. So much drama.
 
L

Llyranor

Member
OrangeAtlas said:
He'd been debating ending things sooner, but then told me that he was going to try and work things out because she clearly loved him and cared about him more than anyone else would.

Then went to another country, cheated, lied about it, dumped her over the phone and began dating the new girl within a week. So it's long-distance also.

I may not have handled it totally maturely (I called him out publicly on Facebook) but I was very hurt by this and clearly his other friends are too. I think our friendship is done and I do feel bad about potentially hurting this new girl who didn't do anything (entirely) wrong, but it just seems like such a monumentally horrible thing to do.
Click to expand...

1) He's a coward.

2) She's a cheater-enabler. Unless she didn't know he was in a relationship, in which case it's better that she knows he's a cheater.
 
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Gizuko

Member
Good news! I'll elaborate a bit more tomorrow (have to wake up in 4h, can't sleep) but, first date with the girl whose last relationship was open (yeah, the one I talked about when I had that breakdown) went great.

She even asked me out on a second date when we were parting, before I could ask her.

In case any of you were wondering, I did tell her I was a virgin a while back, as a result of said breakdown.
 
T

TimeEffect

Member
petertheb said:
Search putting edge on Google and see if they have a location in the area. I've never had a girl not enjoy herself mini golfing. If she's already done it, try the comedy club at yonge and Eglinton. Cozy place, there's a bar.,pool and they serve food while you watch the show
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Thanks for this advice but there doesnt seem to be putting spots close by.

I'm kind of freaking out. This requires too much planning on my part and I dont want to aimlessly walk with her in T.O.

I get off at Union and then dont know where to go. Casual first dinner date, so something not so serious... followed by either drinks or ice cream. Are places super packed, do I need to call ahead to book?

I usually see people in afternoon coffee shops, and not in the city.
 
G

Gotdatmoney

Member
TimeEffect said:
Thanks for this advice but there doesnt seem to be putting spots close by.

I'm kind of freaking out. This requires too much planning on my part and I dont want to aimlessly walk with her in T.O.

I get off at Union and then dont know where to go. Casual first dinner date, so something not so serious... followed by either drinks or ice cream. Are places super packed, do I need to call ahead to book?

I usually see people in afternoon coffee shops, and not in the city.
Click to expand...

Ole Sphagetti factory is 5 mins from union and pretty decent for food. It's decidely not fancy. They have a patio too. That's an option.
 
L

Lulubop

Member
Man, last Tuesday I had a coffee date with this Krysten Ritter looking chick. Ended up going back to her place, and it was like one of the most bomb experiences. Was talking me up about really wanting to see me again, but it's looking like I was a one time thing . Tho to be fair, I def had to cancel for the second date but now it's just no interest on her end. A little salty, but life goes on. This summer has been really fun.

Bumble is the GOAT btw, like it's settled . Bumble won.
 
E

Etrian Oddity

Member
Lulubop said:
Man, last Tuesday I had a coffee date with this Krysten Ritter looking chick. Ended up going back to her place, and it was like one of the most bomb experiences. Was talking me up about really wanting to see me again, but it's looking like I was a one time thing . Tho to be fair, I def had to cancel for the second date but now it's just no interest on her end. A little salty, but life goes on. This summer has been really fun.

Bumble is the GOAT btw, like it's settled . Bumble won.
Click to expand...
I need to take better photos. Tinder has at least gotten me a few dates, nada on Bumble. =\
 
S

Sora_N

Member
No idea what to message people when I match them.

Also I am so busy right now since I work full time in accounting and also have to take classes. I don't really have time and wonder if I should still be trying. :/

My weekend changed since I have to work overtime now.
 
Raptomex

Raptomex

Member
Sora_N said:
No idea what to message people when I match them.

Also I am so busy right now since I work full time in accounting and also have to take classes. I don't really have time and wonder if I should still be trying. :/

My weekend changed since I have to work overtime now.
Click to expand...
I usually reference something in their profile, especially if it's a common interest.
 
D

Deleted member 102362

Unconfirmed Member
Raptomex said:
I usually reference something in their profile, especially if it's a common interest.
Click to expand...

Exactly. Asking them a question about something on their profile shows you actually read the profile, and are showing interest in them. It stands out from the boring, monotone "hi, hello, how are you" drivel.

Also try to keep the initial message short and to the point.
 
artsi

artsi

Member
I've had couple dates but the girls were a bit meh.

Right now there's this older woman (again) that I'm interested in, I'm going to see her this weekend maybe.
 
N

Neoweee

Member
I'm kind of envious of a lot of you. My success rate with texting-to-dates has gone up a ton over the last year, and I'm far more likely to get 2nd and 3rd dates than ever, but I feel like I have actual chemistry with a shockingly low number of women. Unless I see some of the current ones a second/third time, I'm at the start of a six-week break (too much travel, too much work).

Has anyone else been in this kind of rut? Did anything help?

34, male, big city. Too reliant on internet dating, expanding my social network is coming along, but slowly.
 
E

Earthbound64

Banned
What the heck, guys. Why didn't anyone tell me that it was so hard to break up with someone who still said that they were in love with you? Like, seriously, this sucks.
Not to mention it was especially difficult since we were primarily communicating in Spanish, and I'm not nearly fluent in Spanish, so it was hard to express myself as well as I would have liked.

I mean, she was a really nice person. And there wasn't anything specifically about us being together that we couldn't be together. But, I don't know, it just didn't feel right... Really, I have to be honest (even though I think it makes me sound like a horrible person), but, I know that the fact that she was only here (US) on a work visa and was going to be going back to the Dominican Republic in 3 months and being there until next Spring, and I know I just wasn't going to be able to go through with all of that - either the being apart for 6 months, or between now and then having the relationship be to the level where she could stay. And I feel like that makes me a horrible person, to be looking at things that way. But it was just kind of nagging away at the back of my mind the whole time too.

She only left an hour ago, and she's still telling me that she loves me and wants to be with me, and I just feel like a piece of scum. But I know I would have felt worse if I had kept things going knowing that I couldn't commit myself to it. But, darn, this just really sucks, and I feel like a horrible person.
 
B

Benzychenz

Member
Man, had a drunk female friend grinding all over me and grabbing my ass and stuff last night and I really had to restrain myself.

She's had a messy on again off again non serious thing with another friend for ages and I'd prefer to stay way clear of that drama.
 
S

Subpar Scrub

Banned
Was messing around on tinder with some mates and discovered some girls have new, ultra gross match tech. I matched with a girl who I'd never swipe right on and I recognised the unique name and funny bio instantly, but all of the photos were wrong. I then realised I matched with her like 4-5 days after I'd swiped right on her initially.

I asked her about her pictures and she was like "Yeah, just changing pics around a lot haha" when it hit me. She used super old pics that were probably photoshopped to hell, then left her account for a few days. Then, she swapped out all of the previous pictures for current, (probably?) real ones and started swiping right to rack up matches with dudes who swiped right on the old profile.

This has happened twice now, it's such a shitty thing to do lmao. Oh well. I ended up disabling tinder and shit because I realised that between work and study I don't really have the time to dedicate to a relationship right now, but the quantity of matches I was getting and cool convos I was getting has me confident I'll find someone I'll click with when I re-enable the apps in November.

OrangeAtlas said:
I may not have handled it totally maturely (I called him out publicly on Facebook) but I was very hurt by this
Click to expand...

Wow. Definitely never speak to him again, then you'll both win. Yeesh.
 
P

PancakeBurglar

Member
So I asked the girl I've been seeing lately what she was looking for, she said she wasn't sure. I told her I was looking for a relationship and I wanted to continue to see her. She did tell me she isn't looking for someone to just sleep around with but damn did my confidence take a hit. I really like this girl and want to make sure I approach this the right way. Any advice would be appreciated.
 
M

Megalosaro

Banned
Etrian Oddity said:
I need to take better photos. Tinder has at least gotten me a few dates, nada on Bumble. =
Click to expand...

Lulubop said:
Man, last Tuesday I had a coffee date with this Krysten Ritter looking chick. Ended up going back to her place, and it was like one of the most bomb experiences. Was talking me up about really wanting to see me again, but it's looking like I was a one time thing . Tho to be fair, I def had to cancel for the second date but now it's just no interest on her end. A little salty, but life goes on. This summer has been really fun.

Bumble is the GOAT btw, like it's settled . Bumble won.
Click to expand...

My experience with Bumple is less than stellar. I found it full of obviously fake profiles.
 
P

plidex

Member
So how often should I go out with a girl I just met?

I can't avoid doing wall-posts, so the following description is optional reading.

I met her on Tinder. We chatted for a couple of days.

First date, Wednesday of last week, we went to watch a movie and I walked her home.

Two days later, on Friday, we hung out for an hour because she was close to my office when I ended my shift and she told me if I wanted to meet.

Then she had to study and was busy because she had an exam last Monday. On Tuesday she asked me if I was free Wednesday's night. I was so we went to a bar to have drinks for around two hours, then I didn't want the date to end so soon, so I told her if she wanted to walk for a bit and we ended sitting in a sort of park, for two more hours.

So today is Saturday and I'm wondering if I should tell her if she wants to go out today. I think it is fine?

The other problem I have is that I don't know what we can do together, I would like to do something different than going to have drinks, because I feel like we have a finite number of truly interesting things to talk about. If we do something, like an activity, it could prove to be better, but I have no idea.

Btw, I have been trying to follow an advice that I read on here that I shouldn't text her unless I have something interesting to say, but we still have been texting everyday. The days I have waited until further into the day to text her she has usually texted me first.

PS: It's the third girl I meet irl from Tinder, but it's the first one that went beyond the 1st date.

EDIT: Just as an anecdote, 1st date I paid for the movie + coke + popcorn (she offered to pay her half, but I said no). 2nd date when I was going to pay at the bar, she said that she wanted to pay, I started telling her "no way", and she kept insisting, saying her I invited her the first time so she wanted to invite me. The waiter said "ohh I love this fights!", so in that moment when I realized everyone could hear this situation, the shyness struck so I let her pay but I said that I would pay on the next date. I did feel afterwards that maybe I should had insisted more, but I guess it was the right thing to do to let her pay.
 
M

Messofanego

Banned
plidex said:
So how often should I go out with a girl I just met?

I can't avoid doing wall-posts, so the following description is optional reading.

So today is Saturday and I'm wondering if I should tell her if she wants to go out today. I think it is fine?
Click to expand...

This is the only pertinent bit of info in this post :p

Just ask her if she's down to go out today or tomorrow. If not, there you go, query resolved! If you like each other quite a bit, then you won't mind spending as much time together as you can when you're free. I don't see a hard and fast rule for this. If you're running out of things to talk about or to do, maybe that's a sign that it's not going to work out long-term? Cause there are always things to talk about on a day to day basis. Pop culture, politics, religion, animals, sports, life, family, etc.

Also, just let her pay if she wants to. Don't be that stubborn about it. Respect her choices, too.
 
M

Megalosaro

Banned
Keep this in mind. The brightest flame burns out the quickest.

The more time you spend with them during that initial excitement phase, the quicker the honeymoon period is over. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. It happens eventually. But it is okay to miss them too.
 
M

MegaManTrigger

Banned
Llyranor said:
Well, yes, 'attraction can grow', but OP is coming from a place where the only reason he's considering this person is because she's the only one who's giving him attention. That's really not a good place to start, at all.
Click to expand...

Megalosaro said:
Do not do it. If you are not feeling it, you're not feeling it. In the long run, you'll only be hurting her and yourself.

You can't force attraction.
Click to expand...

SciencePilot said:
Idk. Attraction can grow. Love can be built through shared experiences.

I say there's no harm in giving it an honest try. Just make sure you don't commit too strongly before you're more sure.
Click to expand...

Attraction can grow but this has been a case where it's overwhelmingly one-sided from her POV (I posted a pic of my new suit for business and she's posted 5 lines of compliments), and almost sobering in a way considering it felt like I was watching a younger version of myself chasing after current me (aka she was too obvious, robotic and stiff when talking, clearly one-sided from her POV, has no sense of humour and overanalyzes way too many mundane things). I will say, it's interesting to see what that felt like when the script is flipped, because many times in my younger and more stupid times, I overplayed my hand which led to finding out there was no interest, or ruining any semblance of potential bc I was aggressive.

After the conversation I had today, it pretty much put the nail in the coffin. It was nice to feel "wanted"/"desirable" but I've never been so bored, uninspired and out of it when talking to her. It's hard to feign interest in what she's saying when it's really boring af to talk about (one of the talking points was how she thought it was weird that she was given a number of coupons and kept rambling on about business tactics of doing that to the point of being ridiculously overanalytical). Even at times where I'd inject some humour, she would be so stiff about it, which is an easy vibe killer.
 
G

gaiages

Banned
PancakeBurglar said:
So I asked the girl I've been seeing lately what she was looking for, she said she wasn't sure. I told her I was looking for a relationship and I wanted to continue to see her. She did tell me she isn't looking for someone to just sleep around with but damn did my confidence take a hit. I really like this girl and want to make sure I approach this the right way. Any advice would be appreciated.
Click to expand...

Hey, at least she was honest. There's not really much you can do. If she doesn't want a relationships and you do, you'll have to move on.
 
P

PancakeBurglar

Member
gaiages said:
Hey, at least she was honest. There's not really much you can do. If she doesn't want a relationships and you do, you'll have to move on.
Click to expand...

We talked about it, she wants to continue dating and I do too. It sounds like she came from an abusive relationship and is a bit hesitant because of it. She made her baggage clear to me and I still want to see where things go even if we never officially become a couple. Of all the women I've dated this summer shes the one I've felt the most connected to, so we decided we are just going to continue dating because we really enjoy each others company. I guess I need to be okay with the situation and keep my mind in a certain mind set.
 
A

Advocatus Diaboli

Member
Hmm. Haven't really seen the woman I'm casually dating lately - just once, last weekend, in the past month. She was supposed to come around today but had something school-related crop up. I didn't press her to come over, and we had the "I wish you lived closer" talk again.

It's pretty obviously fizzling out, even more than when I posted last.

I may be going to London or Korea or something for 3+ months though, then travel a bit afterwards. I need to get my life and job in order, because that's currently ending me. (I definitely need a job that doesn't utterly destroy my soul.)
 
F

FyreWulff

Member
PancakeBurglar said:
So I asked the girl I've been seeing lately what she was looking for, she said she wasn't sure. I told her I was looking for a relationship and I wanted to continue to see her. She did tell me she isn't looking for someone to just sleep around with but damn did my confidence take a hit. I really like this girl and want to make sure I approach this the right way. Any advice would be appreciated.
Click to expand...

Move on

PancakeBurglar said:
We talked about it, she wants to continue dating and I do too. It sounds like she came from an abusive relationship and is a bit hesitant because of it. She made her baggage clear to me and I still want to see where things go even if we never officially become a couple. Of all the women I've dated this summer shes the one I've felt the most connected to, so we decided we are just going to continue dating because we really enjoy each others company. I guess I need to be okay with the situation and keep my mind in a certain mind set.
Click to expand...

move on
 
P

Peltz

Member
Advocatus Diaboli said:
Hmm. Haven't really seen the woman I'm casually dating lately - just once, last weekend, in the past month. She was supposed to come around today but had something school-related crop up. I didn't press her to come over, and we had the "I wish you lived closer" talk again.

It's pretty obviously fizzling out, even more than when I posted last.

I may be going to London or Korea or something for 3+ months though, then travel a bit afterwards. I need to get my life and job in order, because that's currently ending me. (I definitely need a job that doesn't utterly destroy my soul.)
Click to expand...
Well, at least not utterly.
 
L

LookAtMeGo

Member
I kept dating a girl who didnt want to be in a relationship. One time I brought up being boyfriend and girlfriend and she got all freaked out and left the house. I gave her space. Ended up being together for 8 years. Took her about 6 months to come around.
 
S

Spaced Harrier

Member
OrangeAtlas said:
He'd been debating ending things sooner, but then told me that he was going to try and work things out because she clearly loved him and cared about him more than anyone else would.

Then went to another country, cheated, lied about it, dumped her over the phone and began dating the new girl within a week. So it's long-distance also.

I may not have handled it totally maturely (I called him out publicly on Facebook) but I was very hurt by this and clearly his other friends are too. I think our friendship is done and I do feel bad about potentially hurting this new girl who didn't do anything (entirely) wrong, but it just seems like such a monumentally horrible thing to do.
Click to expand...

Wow..what business was it of yours?

Sure you didn't secretly want his gf?
 
R

Ric Flair

Banned
M_Night said:
For anyone who lives with their SO. How long did you know each other and date for before you moved in together?
Click to expand...
If my past experiences have taught me anything it's to wait at least a year or two before moving in, preferably two years. You can patch alot of holes in yourself or even in the relationship by living together and always seeing eachother, but eventually those holes widen and it all falls apart. Give yourself at least two years to date them and really experience the good parts of life with them before moving in together. This will also allow you to really know whether or not you want to be with them, as there will be nothing holding you back from ending things should they not sit right with you
 
G

gaiages

Banned
Oh, come on guys. Abusive relationships fuck with people, she sounded like she was as reasonable as she can be for getting fucked up. People are not going to be perfect.
 
P

PancakeBurglar

Member
gaiages said:
Oh, come on guys. Abusive relationships fuck with people, she sounded like she was as reasonable as she can be for getting fucked up. People are not going to be perfect.
Click to expand...

Thanks! Honestly I'm just having fun going out with her, we have a lot of common interests so its always easy to talk to her. I'd rather go on dates with her where I know I'll have a good time than a bunch of mediocre first dates like I have all summer, plus the regular sex is nice too. Like I said we talked about it and I told her I understood where she was coming from and I'd respect it and that we'd just go out and have a good time together.
 
S

Stopdoor

Member
So girl I've gone on a few dates with now revealed to me she wears a wig, I'm a bit blindsided. I'm kind of naive I guess, I commented it looked nice last night and probably stressed her out. I've already been waffling over her, these dates go well and we seem to gel in a lot of ways but I'm not 100% sure about the chemistry and felt like I was forcing myself at least a bit. Worried I was too into it for physical reasons, she's apparently fresh to even kissing a guy which made the dynamic weird. Worried she's getting invested too quickly.

So yeah, not sure how to feel now, I feel like crap that I'll make her feel like crap if I break it off after that sort of revelation. Feels so shallow. Like I'm unsure about it for chemistry reasons as well but this just makes it way more awkward. I've never had to break off a decent dating spree before.
 
artsi

artsi

Member
I got a couple of dates lined up for this week, one is 8 years older than me and other is 11 years older than me.

M_Night said:
For anyone who lives with their SO. How long did you know each other and date for before you moved in together?
Click to expand...

With my first GF (together for 5 years) it was around 1 year
With my second (together for 4 years) a few months.
 
undrtakr900

undrtakr900

Member
artsi said:
I got a couple of dates lined up for this week, one is 8 years older than me and other is 11 years older than me.



With my first GF (together for 5 years) it was around 1 year
With my second (together for 4 years) a few months.
Click to expand...
Mind if I ask how old you are?
 
V

Valkerionseven

Member
So I posted maybe a month or two ago that my friends girlfriend had been violent in the past and happily reporting that they broke up about last week or so.

It sucks that they are both my friends and I have to be on eggshells about who im with at the moment but its something that had to be done 100%. The final straw was them having an argument around 2am, then them coming up to my place (I live a few floors above them) and him telling me to let her stay with me for a while to calm down. I noticed she had a few drops of blood on her dress and was crying and apparently she had been scratching and hitting him on the arms :/ After about 30 minutes she stopped crying and went down and had a talk and he finally just ended it.

It was a pretty big blur for me since I was drinking with co-workers before and was out like a light at the time. But this week of informing all our friends has been really funny to see their reactions since I was the only one who knew there were issues.

Anyway both of them just need some freaking time to cool off, but both are already trying to either hang out with or be with other people in some weird phase. I think they both know it too. Girl is being brought out by her girlfriends to group dates already and my boy is inviting some girl that we knew liked him from before already. But its still super obvious post break up stuff. Thankfully the people they are running to realize it too since my boy told me he basically got rejected with the "I think you need more time since your last break up"

-sigh-

Just kinda hope it wont affect my situation at the moment that was starting to get interesting with a friend of the ex-girlfriend. She already passed on a bbq last night after hearing he would be there. One of those girls take care of girls, boys with boys situations atm ... but we are going out in a few hours so -thumbs up- at the moment.
 
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