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My girlfriend wants to get plastic surgery and I'm not sure I'm ok with it
- Thread starter AngryMoth
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This is really good advice, that shouldn't be overlooked. I think it's fair to tell her if you're worried for her and I think it's fair to tell her you love her, the way she is. But, it's good advice, to avoid emphasizing your feelings about her appearance, because that's not the priority here.
TickleMeElbow
Member
I feel like if you get plastic surgery, and your kid ends up with whatever physical trait you had before you altered it, you should be willing to pay for their plastic surgery if they want to change it as well.
WaterAstro
Member
BocoDragon
or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Realize This Assgrab is Delicious
You're basically fighting against all of Asian cultural opinion 
they all want that stupid double eyelid.
Yeah we Western people don't even notice the whole eyelid thing. And doesn't that just throw a monkey wrench into the whole "you're objectively less atttractive with a single eyelid and surgery makes you better" assumption of Asian culture?
It's not about beauty. It's about arbitrary cultural trends in Asia in the late 20th and early 21st century.
they all want that stupid double eyelid.Yeah we Western people don't even notice the whole eyelid thing. And doesn't that just throw a monkey wrench into the whole "you're objectively less atttractive with a single eyelid and surgery makes you better" assumption of Asian culture?
It's not about beauty. It's about arbitrary cultural trends in Asia in the late 20th and early 21st century.
Almond
Member
If your girlfriends mom is as big of an asshole as you say, the surgery probably isn't going to fix her self-esteem. She'll move on to something else to to be insecure about, possibly leading to more surgeries, and her never being really happy with how she looks and feels about herself. If she keeps on having the same relationship with her mother that she does now.
Personally, I'd try and talk her out of it, but you probably can't. She should at least get some kind of counseling if she really does plan on going through with it though.
I'm sure she is beautiful and fine just the way she is, and doesn't need the surgery, but ultimately it is her decision unfortunately. Sadly, no matter how much you tell her you love her and think she's perfect just the way she is, doesn't need surgery, and shouldn't listen to her mother, she's not going to believe you. Because she doesn't see it or believe it.
Is she getting it done because she truly wants it and thinks it will suit her better, like getting her hair done in a certain style or wearing certain clothes, or is she solely getting it done because she feels she has to or else she won't be "acceptable" in the eyes of her mother?
Sorry, OP. Didn't mean to be too much of a downer. Just some things to consider.
Personally, I'd try and talk her out of it, but you probably can't. She should at least get some kind of counseling if she really does plan on going through with it though.
I'm sure she is beautiful and fine just the way she is, and doesn't need the surgery, but ultimately it is her decision unfortunately. Sadly, no matter how much you tell her you love her and think she's perfect just the way she is, doesn't need surgery, and shouldn't listen to her mother, she's not going to believe you. Because she doesn't see it or believe it.
Is she getting it done because she truly wants it and thinks it will suit her better, like getting her hair done in a certain style or wearing certain clothes, or is she solely getting it done because she feels she has to or else she won't be "acceptable" in the eyes of her mother?
Sorry, OP. Didn't mean to be too much of a downer. Just some things to consider.
Miles Quaritch
Member
Let's say you talk her out of it, she doesn't get the surgery and continues to be miserable which will have an impact on your relationship and she might become bitter that you stopped her from feeling happy.
It's clearly a big deal for her, so you can either be supportive or tell her how you feel but still support whatever she makes. What you don't want to do is give ultimatums and you definitely don't want to it to seem like her decision to get it done or not comes back to how you about the surgery.
It's clearly a big deal for her, so you can either be supportive or tell her how you feel but still support whatever she makes. What you don't want to do is give ultimatums and you definitely don't want to it to seem like her decision to get it done or not comes back to how you about the surgery.
This. Cant say much more. I agree with your perspective OP but the only thing you can do is support her.
Naturally occurring double eyelids are not really rare to see in East Asians. Also the eyes still look distinctly Asian after double eyelids surgery, since for many people it isn't about wanting to look white in the first place, but about attaining bigger eyes.
If she actually wants to do it for herself, then yeah go for it.
You should be trying to get your gf to stop giving a shit about what her mom thinks, since she will always effect her self esteem.
If she actually wants to do it for herself, then yeah go for it.
You should be trying to get your gf to stop giving a shit about what her mom thinks, since she will always effect her self esteem.
Chairmanchuck
Member
Thats something quite common. My (also Chinese) wife talks about that too sometimes, but I dont really think she needs it. Also its almost not visible at all imo.
I'd voice my objections and the justification for them and let her make her choice. You don't have the time to match the amount of comments her mother would have made to plant that insecurity, so I wouldn't bother inundating her with objections, but if you could have objected to the comments her mother had made you would have, and I'd tell her that too.
She needs to feel comfortable in her own body. Try to express that there are ways to do that without surgery, but she'll have to make her own choice ultimately.
She needs to feel comfortable in her own body. Try to express that there are ways to do that without surgery, but she'll have to make her own choice ultimately.
eso76
Member
"It's her body" doesn't mean OP can't be afraid she's doing it for the wrong reasons and that she isn't going to solve self esteem issues anyway, though.
Of course it's her decision.
OP didn't say he will stop her at all costs. He didn't say he would break up with her, although that would also be a case of 'his body, his decision'.
Not being your property doesn't mean you shouldn't try and talk your SO out of a decision you think might be bad for him/her.
Now, you shouldn't presume you know better either, but in this case there's external factors influencing her.
If her mom has been brainwashing her all life chances are it won't stop there and she might need a different kind of help to solve her low self esteem issues.
Of course it's entirely possible that OP is worrying too much and everything will be awesome for both of them afterwards. A boost in self esteem can dramatically improve a relationship.
Support her as in help her make sure she won't regret it, that's all you can do.
That's why I think it's important to hear different opinions of people not directly involved.
I don't mean neogaf.
Of course it's her decision.
OP didn't say he will stop her at all costs. He didn't say he would break up with her, although that would also be a case of 'his body, his decision'.
Not being your property doesn't mean you shouldn't try and talk your SO out of a decision you think might be bad for him/her.
Now, you shouldn't presume you know better either, but in this case there's external factors influencing her.
If her mom has been brainwashing her all life chances are it won't stop there and she might need a different kind of help to solve her low self esteem issues.
Of course it's entirely possible that OP is worrying too much and everything will be awesome for both of them afterwards. A boost in self esteem can dramatically improve a relationship.
Support her as in help her make sure she won't regret it, that's all you can do.
That's why I think it's important to hear different opinions of people not directly involved.
I don't mean neogaf.
alexanderftw
Banned
Its pretty simple really. You cant nor shouldnt force her to do or not do anything. Its her own decision as many have put it, however if you're not okay with it at all you can either discuss with her or move on OR you can wait and see what the outcome is and if you dont feel comfortable with it then move on. I wouldnt really stress much about it.
Stallion Dan
Member
What is this crap? If he not happy about it he can tell her and not support her and she should understand why.
Especially if it's because of pressure due to her mother's put downs.
Miles Quaritch
Member
It doesn't fix it, but it can start someone on the road to feeling better about themselves and building some self esteem.
The worry is that when someone 'fixes' one thing, they start to focus on other issues and keep undergoing surgery. If the surgery is to be successful, it needs to be done in conjunction with therapy.
Adam_Roman
Member
Voice your concerns, but don't try to guilt her into not doing it or anything. Just explain where you're coming from as best you can. If she chooses to go through with it, it's her decision. It's not major so there shouldn't be any health issues that could come from it, so that's always a good thing.
Chairmanchuck
Member
Its not major. Its a 5-10m procedure and doesnt change anything. Though if she is doing it because of low-self esteem, that wont help.
From the people I knew who did it they often say "Everyone is doing that!"
ZackieChan
Member
I've got tiny ass eyes - I should get this surgery done. Talk me out of it GAF
Chairmanchuck
Member
Messofanego
Banned
Wasn't there a dude who had surgery done to look more an Asian boyband guy?
Roufianos
Member
Oh wow, trying to sound so authoritative whilst giving terrible advice is not a good combo.
Not being able to voice your opinion is not a good foundation for a relationship.
4 is a cutie
Banned
Agreed
I find concern for people's self-esteem weird in the sense that it's not like people aren't normally motivated by society's judgments when it comes to improving their self-image
Don't get me wrong, if you love someone you should discourage them from doing unhealthy things and going "too far", but at the same time no one will stop trying to be more beautiful
Thanks for everyone taking to time to post adivce. Although I prefaced this by saying I'm not sure if I'm ok with it, I didn't mean that to come across as controlling like I'm not sure if I will "let" her do it, was just talking about my own personal acceptance of the situation. I do realise this about her and I shouldn't let my feelings about it get in the way for her.
Ultimately I just want to help her make the decision that's right for her. I do have concerns about her regretting it in future or it not fixing the real problem, but at the end of the day it is a common procedure and if she really believe it will help her feel better then why not. We are extremely open with our feeling to each other so obviously we have been talking about this already and I think it's been constructive. If she does decide to though with it I'll support her fully, I sure as hell wouldn't leave her over something like this.
Ultimately I just want to help her make the decision that's right for her. I do have concerns about her regretting it in future or it not fixing the real problem, but at the end of the day it is a common procedure and if she really believe it will help her feel better then why not. We are extremely open with our feeling to each other so obviously we have been talking about this already and I think it's been constructive. If she does decide to though with it I'll support her fully, I sure as hell wouldn't leave her over something like this.
always crazy bacon
Banned
Oh wow! Your not just moving the goalposts your surrounding the pitch with them.
Thatsbait.gif
Im not even going to engage you on this one.
Chairmanchuck
Member
In another thread after I told someone asking the nationality of an acquintances girlfriend (she was chinese) someone said she must have been a golddigger....
always crazy bacon
Banned
It's embarrassing how many people have an Asian stereotype lined up and ready to support their bias in discussion.
navii
My fantasy is that my girlfriend was actually a young high school girl.
I remember watching a documentary on plastic surgery in korea and how korean models feel about it. One model said that everybody is getting double eyelids so she thought she will be unique and leave her single eyelids as they are.
here it is: https://youtu.be/0wWKjxxM6q8?t=22m
here it is: https://youtu.be/0wWKjxxM6q8?t=22m
BeforeU
Oft hope is born when all is forlorn.
That'll help with her self esteem for sure.
It's her body, she can do what she wants and you don't have the right to stop her. However, you're well within your rights to take issue with this in the context of your relationship; I wouldn't like it either if a girlfriend went under the knife for superficial reasons. But all you have scope over is your end of the relationship -- which you can drop at anytime -- but not what she does.
MsKrisp
Member
Great and helpful contribution
Edit: I got the impression from the OP that he was supportive but concerned. Why all this talk about leaving her, he's allowed to have concerns about this
boiled goose
good with gravy
BS. Only to some arbitrarily propped up beauty "standard".
To me personally, plastic surgery is a huge turnoff. It means you care so much about your looks that you are willing to pay a ton of money, go under general anesthesia, and cut up your face to change your face. Your face.
It's definitely an issue in many countries, but in places like korea and china it's worse because of increased sexism (womens appearance much more valued over other things) and standards of beauty that are much more quantified and homogenized.
Double eyelid is not the most major surgery, but it can still be botched and it still changes your face.every time you see her face you will be reminded.
You can support her, but you are not forced to be with someone who doesn't share your values. Of course we are all a product of our environment, so in a sense the fact the she feels she needs this might not entirely be a choice. Regardless of cultural upbringing, I value people with some sense of self awareness. Plastic surgery is fixing mental insecurities with a physical bandaid.
freeofgreed
Member
4 is a cutie
Banned
aka everyone that contributes to the beauty product industry lol
Do you think monolids is like squinting or something?
lol I have big eyes and the double eyelids naturally and my mom still calls me ugly
Although I'm pretty sure if I got plastic surgery the first person to call me ugly would still be my mom (and not affectionately)
I think there's a bit of clash of culture here. Plastic surgery becoming more and more popular in the east Asian countries (thus gaining some broader acceptance), while in the west it's considered fake and unnatural, and thus has a greater stigma attached to it.
One guy in HK entertainment biz who visited SK to do a show on their beauty products and practices suggested the possibility that the wide availability of technologies to change people's looks is an empowerment of sorts. That we now have the ability to change our appearance instead of being resigned to looks that we are born with and have no choice in.
That's not to say it can't be dangerous, or worse for self esteem, or that it's not a conforming to a society and culture that makes ridiculous demands, but it's possible to see plastic surgery from a brighter alternative perspective.
I think you should discuss it some more with your girlfriend. Not just in terms about your feelings, but talk about the safety of the procedures, whether or not it will increase the quality of her life, whether or not it will improve her mental image of herself, about possible complications down the line (age), etc. It may be hard to talk if she's become obsessed and adamant about the idea, but drawing it out over time gives her more time to think before doing it.
Plus you could also do some research on plastic surgery too, before approaching a longer discussion with your gf.
Although I'm pretty sure if I got plastic surgery the first person to call me ugly would still be my mom (and not affectionately)
I think there's a bit of clash of culture here. Plastic surgery becoming more and more popular in the east Asian countries (thus gaining some broader acceptance), while in the west it's considered fake and unnatural, and thus has a greater stigma attached to it.
One guy in HK entertainment biz who visited SK to do a show on their beauty products and practices suggested the possibility that the wide availability of technologies to change people's looks is an empowerment of sorts. That we now have the ability to change our appearance instead of being resigned to looks that we are born with and have no choice in.
That's not to say it can't be dangerous, or worse for self esteem, or that it's not a conforming to a society and culture that makes ridiculous demands, but it's possible to see plastic surgery from a brighter alternative perspective.
I think you should discuss it some more with your girlfriend. Not just in terms about your feelings, but talk about the safety of the procedures, whether or not it will increase the quality of her life, whether or not it will improve her mental image of herself, about possible complications down the line (age), etc. It may be hard to talk if she's become obsessed and adamant about the idea, but drawing it out over time gives her more time to think before doing it.
Plus you could also do some research on plastic surgery too, before approaching a longer discussion with your gf.
Yeah sure, that's not objectifying behavior at all... these double standards in here sometimes.Her choice! But make sure to always let her know she's beautiful anyway
I think you'll barely notice the change and it'll likely mean the world to her. If this is what she has to do to feel more comfortable with her appearance then i'd say let her go for it.
She probably knows you don't mind how her eyes look right now, but guess what, she's also interacting with other people. And always being (even slightly) uncomfortable with how you look can be a real hit to a person's confidence. Even in the most basic of social situations.
I have light unilateral ptosis, so i'm actually also in talks to get it surgically corrected this year. I've always disliked how I look in photos because of it and while no-one around me honestly seems to even notice it or care, I care. It's a minuscule procedure and even if it could only make me more comfortable posing in front of a camera it'd be worth it.
So embrace it dude. This goes beyond just vanity.
She probably knows you don't mind how her eyes look right now, but guess what, she's also interacting with other people. And always being (even slightly) uncomfortable with how you look can be a real hit to a person's confidence. Even in the most basic of social situations.
I have light unilateral ptosis, so i'm actually also in talks to get it surgically corrected this year. I've always disliked how I look in photos because of it and while no-one around me honestly seems to even notice it or care, I care. It's a minuscule procedure and even if it could only make me more comfortable posing in front of a camera it'd be worth it.
So embrace it dude. This goes beyond just vanity.
Chairmanchuck
Member
They are in a relationship and people should talk to each other.
If I would wanna change anything about my body and my wife would be against it, you think I would just say "Its my body and my decision. You have nothing to say about it."
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