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Does anyone have a friend that always wants to hang out?

S

starchild excalibur

Member
I have a friend (we'll call him Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo, or "Joey" for short) that I've known for a handful years or so now. Over the years - due to various personal reasons - I've found myself growing less close with him. Not due to him doing anything horrible, really, but just in the way that as some people get older they feel less inclined to hang out all the time. Many of my friends - even ones that I'm closer to than him - I'll see maybe once every few weeks or even more rarely, which works just fine for me. Also, I'm an introvert who often enjoys my free time alone.

I think Joey doesn't have a ton of friends (hey, no judgments - I don't either), so he's often asking to hang out or asking what I'm up to. Is there any decent way to tell a friend that you don't wanna hang out, not because you're busy, but simply because you don't feel like seeing them? Additionally, is there a way to tell them this without you seeming like an asshole and them possibly getting all moody around you?

We're both in our 30s and work at the same company, if that provides more context/explanation about my general friend fatigue, too.
 
Ristifer

Ristifer

Member
I have a similar friend. He's a nice enough guy, but I've found myself growing apart from him. Plus, he invites a ton of drama all the time by accusing me of liking our mutual friend more. So, he gets all bent out of shape if I don't answer texts or hang out all the time. He's actually randomly visiting me at work now just to see me. It makes me uncomfortable and he acts like a child if I tell him I don't want to hang out.

So, basically, I don't have much advice. But I am in a similar situation. He doesn't really take any of my hints, so that doesn't help.
 
R

rtcn63

Member
He wants to take you to the strip club, get you drunk, learn your secrets and take comprising shots on his phone. All of which he'll wait to use to get promoted over you or steal your girl.
 
C

chicko1983

Member
Go to a speed dating event with him and hope he finds a woman to pour his attention onto.

Maybe you'll find someone you'll prefer hanging out with too OP.
 
J

jb1234

Member
Just tell him you don't have the time. I don't think there's any honest way you can approach this that won't lead to drama.
 
S

starchild excalibur

Member
jb1234 said:
Just tell him you don't have the time. I don't think there's any honest way you can approach this that won't lead to drama.
Click to expand...

I've thought about this, but he's the type of person who would ask what I'm busy with and I'm not that fast at thinking on my toes. In person, he asked me what I was doing for dinner tonight and I was like "Uh, I'm reviewing this list of stuff," and then quickly changed the topic.

Escape Goat said:
Sounds like you really don't have any friends except this guy and you don't even realize it.
Click to expand...

Well, then I guess I'm pretty content with that.
 
T

Team Filler

Member
chicko1983 said:
Go to a speed dating event with him and hope he finds a woman to pour his attention onto.

Maybe you'll find someone you'll prefer hanging out with too OP.
Click to expand...

Sadly this isn't always the reason. My buddy is married with two kids and still does this crap.

And yes, and it annoys the fuck out of me sometimes, especially when he drops a little passive-aggresive "joke" such as, "Haha, I was getting worried you didn't like hanging out with me anymore" after not having hung out for a month. Bitch, I've been fuckin busy and have my own life, stop being so goddamn clinging!
 
B

Brakke

Banned
starchild excalibur said:
Is there any decent way to tell a friend that you don't wanna hang out, not because you're busy, but simply because you don't feel like seeing them? Additionally, is there a way to tell them this without you seeming like an asshole and them possibly getting all moody around you?
Click to expand...

Yes of course there is a way to say this. You just say it.

"Hey man what's up wanna hang out." "Nope."

Voila. There's no #lifehack here. Just tell him you're a homebody and don't like hanging out that much. What's the worst that can happen? He realizes you don't like him as much as he thought you did? That's true, so it's fine.

You tried a soft no and he didn't pick up on it, so give him the hard no.
 
webkatt

webkatt

Member
OMG, I'm such a Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo.

I know GAF is 98.89% the loner/introvert type but I find that I NEED the attention. Not in a narcissistic way (hopefully). It makes sense to me but not my friends. But I would rather be bored in the presence of another versus being alone. I'm perfectly fine bingeing Netflix and not saying a word. Honestly, I don't even care what we're watching.

It's probably a me problem.
 
V

v1lla21

Member
Escape Goat said:
Sounds like you really don't have any friends except this guy and you don't even realize it.
Click to expand...
Loool

Just keep making up excuses, he'll get the point after a while and stop.


It's not a friend but a cousin who always wants to chill. He sets up the whole day and then complains that it's boring. Like motherfucker, this was your plan. If I don't answer him, he hits up another of our cousins. That guy will straight up tell him to fuck off tho. Lol.
 
S

starchild excalibur

Member
Brakke said:
Yes of course there is a way to say this. You just say it.

"Hey man what's up wanna hang out." "Nope."

Voila. There's no #lifehack here. Just tell him you're a homebody and don't like hanging out that much. What's the worst that can happen? He realizes you don't like him as much as he thought you did? That's true, so it's fine.

You tried a soft no and he didn't pick up on it, so give him the hard no.
Click to expand...

Yeah, you're right. It's just that given his history I can see this becoming more on his part than just an interpretation that I just like hanging out alone, but instead this critique of him and his character. I only know of one mutual friend that he sees on a regular basis, so halving his number of go-to friends would be something.

webkatt said:
OMG, I'm such a Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo.

I know GAF is 98.89% the loner/introvert type but I find that I NEED the attention. Not in a narcissistic way (hopefully). It makes sense to me but not my friends. But I would rather be bored in the presence of another versus being alone. I'm perfectly fine bingeing Netflix and not saying a word. Honestly, I don't even care what we're watching.

It's probably a me problem.
Click to expand...

There's nothing wrong with that - my sister who identifies as an extrovert has also said she just likes being around people. It's only problematic if you're oblivious to social cues that people give you.

Kthulhu said:
I am that friend. I just like eating with people and catching up. Is that so wrong?
Click to expand...

Only if you're seeing - and chatting with - these people on a daily basis at work and still wanting to hang out nightly to catch up. :p
 
C

chicko1983

Member
Mister Saturn said:
Sadly this isn't always the reason. My buddy is married with two kids and still does this crap.

And yes, and it annoys the fuck out of me sometimes, especially when he drops a little passive-aggresive "joke" such as, "Haha, I was getting worried you didn't like hanging out with me anymore" after not having hung out for a month. Bitch, I've been fuckin busy and have my own life, stop being so goddamn clinging!
Click to expand...

Its not always true but most married dudes I know aren't given many leave passes.

Maybe your married friend wants to get away from his wife and kids and she doesn't care either.
 
webkatt

webkatt

Member
Mister Saturn said:
Sadly this isn't always the reason. My buddy is married with two kids and still does this crap.

And yes, and it annoys the fuck out of me sometimes, especially when he drops a little passive-aggresive "joke" such as, "Haha, I was getting worried you didn't like hanging out with me anymore" after not having hung out for a month. Bitch, I've been fuckin busy and have my own life, stop being so goddamn clinging!
Click to expand...

A month?!
 
R

Replicant

Member
Mister Saturn said:
Sadly this isn't always the reason. My buddy is married with two kids and still does this crap.

And yes, and it annoys the fuck out of me sometimes, especially when he drops a little passive-aggresive "joke" such as, "Haha, I was getting worried you didn't like hanging out with me anymore" after not having hung out for a month. Bitch, I've been fuckin busy and have my own life, stop being so goddamn clinging!
Click to expand...

A month is a pretty long time to not see a friend. You may as well tell him that you no longer see him as a friend if a once-a-month catch up is too much for you. It's clearly either a clash of personality or you just don't care much about him, which you need to admit.

Give him the clean break that he needs and tell him he needs to find new friends because you're too busy with your life. Otherwise, you're one of those people who just want a friend when it suits you but not when it suits him. It's not fair to him and not fair to you.
 
C

ColdPizza

Banned
starchild excalibur said:
I have a friend (we'll call him Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo, or "Joey" for short) that I've known for a handful years or so now. Over the years - due to various personal reasons - I've found myself growing less close with him. Not due to him doing anything horrible, really, but just in the way that as some people get older they feel less inclined to hang out all the time. Many of my friends - even ones that I'm closer to than him - I'll see maybe once every few weeks or even more rarely, which works just fine for me. Also, I'm an introvert who often enjoys my free time alone.

I think Joey doesn't have a ton of friends (hey, no judgments - I don't either), so he's often asking to hang out or asking what I'm up to. Is there any decent way to tell a friend that you don't wanna hang out, not because you're busy, but simply because you don't feel like seeing them? Additionally, is there a way to tell them this without you seeming like an asshole and them possibly getting all moody around you?

We're both in our 30s and work at the same company, if that provides more context/explanation about my general friend fatigue, too.
Click to expand...

That's the worst name I ever heard.
 
M

Maintenance

Member
I used to be that friend, then I started going out alone and became comfortable with it. Now I prefer to go alone.

As someone who went through this, just say no clearly and directly and be done with it. Don't ghost him or some similar stupid shit.
 
Ristifer

Ristifer

Member
Mister Saturn said:
Sadly this isn't always the reason. My buddy is married with two kids and still does this crap.

And yes, and it annoys the fuck out of me sometimes, especially when he drops a little passive-aggresive "joke" such as, "Haha, I was getting worried you didn't like hanging out with me anymore" after not having hung out for a month. Bitch, I've been fuckin busy and have my own life, stop being so goddamn clinging!
Click to expand...
Pretty much the exact same as my friend. Those subtle little jabs are annoying as fuck, too. I should just tell him what I'm thinking. Just like you, I don't see this guy for a while unless he just pops over at my house or at work out of nowhere. And it always bothers me that he just shows up because I don't want to see him.

I sound like a douche, but oh well. He's the only person I've ever had this attitude with, so I'm not bad for the most part hah.
 
T

TheMightySkyChicken

Member
Mister Saturn said:
Sadly this isn't always the reason. My buddy is married with two kids and still does this crap.

And yes, and it annoys the fuck out of me sometimes, especially when he drops a little passive-aggresive "joke" such as, "Haha, I was getting worried you didn't like hanging out with me anymore" after not having hung out for a month. Bitch, I've been fuckin busy and have my own life, stop being so goddamn clinging!
Click to expand...

Are you serious? That's 12 times a year... come on now
 
S

starchild excalibur

Member
Replicant said:
A month is a pretty long time to not see a friend. You may as well tell him that you no longer see him as a friend if a once-a-month catch up is too much for you. It's clearly either a clash of personality or you just don't care much about him, which you need to admit.
Click to expand...

You can't determine how often you must see a person for them to be considered a friend. I have friends that I see once every couple of months and when we do see each other it's great to catch up and we talk for hours. And it goes both ways. Sometimes we'll go a couple months and then I'll reach out to them to get a bite. Sometimes we'll go a couple months and they'll reach out to me to get coffee. It's only problematic when one person wants to see the other more often than the other person does. But seeing your friend more rarely doesn't mean they're less of a friend especially if you still communicate with them via other means on a semi-regular basis, like I do with my aforementioned friends.

Maintenance said:
I used to be that friend, then I started going out alone and became comfortable with it. Now I prefer to go alone.

As someone who went through this, just say no clearly and directly and be done with it. Don't ghost him or some similar stupid shit.
Click to expand...

Nah, I'd never ghost someone. That shit is lame.
 
MastAndo

MastAndo

Member
Yes...but it actually transfers from friend to friend in my group. We're all in our late 30's and essentially just dragging others into our varying degrees of bouts with alcoholism.

Well, off to the bar I go!
 
S

Subpar Scrub

Banned
That was me until someone I considered a close friend said "nobody is obligated to hang out with you, stop asking us out to places". I rarely see him anymore and he wonders why I don't invite him out now that I know more people who actually like hanging out.

This was after I asked people if they'd like to have dinner, hang out, go to an event or grab a drink as a group every 2-5 weeks for like 8 months. They'd always find an excuse yet organise events I wasn't invited to. I don't waste time on jerks like that anymore, this was a couple years ago.
 
R

Replicant

Member
starchild excalibur said:
You can't determine how often you must see a person for them to be considered a friend. I have friends that I see once every couple of months and when we do see each other it's great to catch up and we talk for hours. And it goes both ways. Sometimes we'll go a couple months and then I'll reach out to them to get a bite. Sometimes we'll go a couple months and they'll reach out to me to get coffee. It's only problematic when one person wants to see the other more often than the other person does. But seeing your friend more rarely doesn't mean they're less of a friend especially if you still communicate with them via other means on a semi-regular basis.
Click to expand...

That's your definition though. You maybe fine with that but your friend may have a different idea of what friendship is. This is the part where you either have different expectations on what the friendship should entail when you first met or you never hash it out with him, thus him having an expectation of the friendship that doesn't align with yours.

What you describe is usually what happens when you live far away from each other, which is understandable. But if you are close to one another, it's kind of weird to not catch up unless you have a family to tend to. And if it's the later, it's always a good idea to tell the other person to avoid misunderstanding. Unless you don't care that much about him in that case, well, he's not much of a friend to you.

Subpar Scrub said:
That was me until someone I considered a close friend said "nobody is obligated to hang out with you, stop asking us out to places". I rarely see him anymore and he wonders why I don't invite him out now that I know more people who actually like hanging out.

This was after I asked people if they'd like to have dinner or grab a drink as a group every 2-5 weeks for like 8 months. They'd always find an excuse yet organise events I wasn't invited to. I don't waste time on jerks like that anymore, this was a couple years ago.
Click to expand...

It hurts when it happens to you, doesn't it? It's easy for us to see others as inconvenience but when the reverse happens, we don't like it.
 
L

Lulubop

Member
When I was a kid, yea. They would come and knock on my door and shit but I wouldn't answer or tell my Mom to tell them I wasn't there.
 
N

Nothing1016

Member
Just say:

I'm tired and lazy. So let's hangout some other time. Bruh.

Or

I've had a busy past couple days. I just want a few days to relax.

I've never had a person "unfriend" me for saying things like this. lol Everyone needs their own space. And if they get moody, whatever. They'll get over it eventually and it's not even that big of a deal. My friends and I tell each other "no" all the time.
 
S

starchild excalibur

Member
Replicant said:
That's your definition though. You maybe fine with that but your friend may have a different idea of what friendship is.
Click to expand...

Exactly. I'm not saying that seeing a friend once a month couldn't possibly be a sign of a bad friendship, but it just seemed like you were suggesting that it inherently was. And that's only the case if one party defines said friendship by hanging out more frequently.

This is the part where you either have different expectations on what the friendship should entail when you first met or you never hash it out with him, thus him having an expectation of the friendship that doesn't align with yours.
Click to expand...

Fair point. I'll probably need to have this conversation soon with him. I guess I'm just anxious about his response / him interpreting it as anything more than the fact that I generally don't like hanging out as often with any of my friends as he does with his.

What you describe is usually what happens when you live far away from each other, which is understandable. But if you are close to one another, it's kind of weird to not catch up unless you have a family to tend to. And if it's the later, it's always a good idea to tell the other person to avoid misunderstanding. Unless you don't care that much about him in that case, well, he's not much of a friend to you.
Click to expand...

Yeah, generally. But I've found that I have at least a few close friends (both in fondness and proximity) that echo not really seeking out their friends as much as they used to. And some of said friends have families of their own, but many do not.
 
S

Subpar Scrub

Banned
Replicant said:
It hurts when it happens to you, doesn't it? It's easy for us always see others as inconvenience but when the reverse happens, we don't like it.
Click to expand...

Yeah, it made me feel like I was just a nusiance and I didn't actually socialise for like 3 months after. I was deathly afraid that everyone I knew just tolerated me and secretly disliked me. Close 'friends' have the power to do that I guess _(ツ)_/¯ I'm much better now though.
 
R

Replicant

Member
starchild excalibur said:
Exactly. I'm not saying that seeing a friend once a month couldn't possibly be a sign of a bad friendship, but it just seemed like you were suggesting that it inherently was. And that's only the case if one party defines said friendship by hanging out more frequently.

Fair point. I'll probably need to have this conversation soon with him. I guess I'm just anxious about his response / him interpreting it as anything more than the fact that I generally don't like hanging out as often with any of my friends as he does with his.

Yeah, generally. But I've found that I have at least a few close friends (both in fondness and proximity) that echo not really seeking out their friends as much as they used to. And some of said friends have families of their own, but many do not.
Click to expand...

Well, I don't know the degree of closeness between you and your friend but from my POV, if I were close to a friend, both proximity and liking, a month is pretty long to me. It looks like you just happen to find friends who have similar ideas on the frequency of friendship gathering and have similar attitudes of not needing the interaction that much. But he's not one of those. It also depends on the degree of closeness you feel with other people, which affects this as well. It's likely your friend feels a lot closer to you than you are to him, which makes it a lot more upsetting to him.

As someone who's been on both side of the fence, try to see it from his POV. And I'll recommend you ask yourself if you really like him as a friend or not. If you actually like him, you don't want to lose him as a friend. If you don't, then tell him that he really should get new friends and maybe help him sign up to meetup.com or something.

After you are getting to 40 like me, I find that I regret all of those times I neglected the friends who reached out to me. I guess if you have a family that somehow mitigate it a little bit. But research has shown that friendship does relieve stress for many men and lack of it leads to early death and feel of isolation.

Subpar Scrub said:
Yeah, it made me feel like I was just a nusiance and I didn't actually socialise for like 3 months after. I was deathly afraid that everyone I knew just tolerated me and secretly disliked me. Close 'friends' have the power to do that I guess _(ツ)_/¯ I'm much better now though.
Click to expand...

I know. The closer you are, the more hurtful it becomes. It does make me afraid of caring or getting closer to anyone again because I don't want to get attached to them again.
 
J

jb1234

Member
Replicant said:
Well, I don't know the degree of closeness between you and your friend but from my POV, if I were close to a friend, both proximity and liking, a month is pretty long to me. It looks like you just happen to find friends who have similar ideas on the frequency of friendship gathering and have similar attitudes of not needing the interaction that much. But he's not one of those. It also depends on the degree of closeness you feel with other people, which affects this as well. It's likely your friend feels a lot closer to you than you are to him, which makes it a lot more upsetting to him.
Click to expand...

Yeah, a month is far too long for me, personally. I need to interact with my close friends far more frequently to maintain that connection (at least on my end, I can't speak for them). I'm okay with longer periods of time if it's more of a hang out buddy without the emotional bonds.
 
G

gaiages

Banned
Thankfully my friends and I have similar mentalities on hang out time and alone time, so I personally don't have that problem.

My boyfriend though, has this one friend from... he says his old church, which means this is a really old friend lol. He's like 5-7 years older than us, and he always wants to hang out. He's a nice enough guy, but my boyfriend is really meh towards hanging with him like every weekend, lol. The worst part is that he'll show up at the damn house unannounced, which really pisses everyone off. Dude I don't care if you're in the neighborhood, at least call or text first :/

Honestly though... I don't think my boyfriend minded when he asked to hang out, it was just the showing up uninvited part. After a while he stopped doing that, so I think either they had a talk or the dude realized he was being a bit much.

Subpar Scrub said:
That was me until someone I considered a close friend said "nobody is obligated to hang out with you, stop asking us out to places". I rarely see him anymore and he wonders why I don't invite him out now that I know more people who actually like hanging out.

This was after I asked people if they'd like to have dinner, hang out, go to an event or grab a drink as a group every 2-5 weeks for like 8 months. They'd always find an excuse yet organise events I wasn't invited to. I don't waste time on jerks like that anymore, this was a couple years ago.
Click to expand...

Yeah, I had that happen to me too, it's pretty lame. People like that aren't really your friends, though, at the end of the day. For me I only tried once every other month or so, but it was about the same response :p I had trouble socializing for a bit after that situation, lol

I amazingly got invited to one of the friend's baby showers over a year after I cut contact though... I didn't even know she was pregnant. Obviously she just wanted gifts :p
 
F

family_guy

Member
When you're in your 30s and most of your friends are married and have kids you won't have that problem. In any case, just politely decline and feel flattered that someone wants to spend time with you. As you get older when the only people you talk to is your significant other or your kids, you're going to miss those people.
 
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