100 Greatest Quotes from Fundamentalist Christian Chat Rooms

[Diablos]

Aww yeah.

http://duggmirror.com/comedy/100_Gre...an_chat_rooms/

Pick one and post it!

Gravity: Doesn't exist. If items of mass had any impact of others, then mountains should have people orbiting them. Or the space shuttle in space should have the astronauts orbiting it. Of course, that's just the tip of the gravity myth. Think about it. Scientists want us to believe that the sun has a gravitation pull strong enough to keep a planet like neptune or pluto in orbit, but then it's not strong enough to keep the moon in orbit? Why is that? What I believe is going on here is this: These objects in space have yet to receive mans touch, and thus have no sin to weigh them down. This isn't the case for earth, where we see the impact of transfered sin to material objects. The more sin, the heavier something is.

lollllllllll

[SabinFigaro]

These objects in space have yet to receive mans touch, and thus have no sin to weigh them down.

wat

[the_id]

LOL! Christian fundamentalists are funny. Muslim fudamentalists are scary though.

[ZAK]

Seen it. This is an amazing repository of... humor, and/or horror. That's how you know when to stop reading: when one becomes the other.

[WedgeX]

The very first one...

No, everyone is born Christian. Only later in life do people choose to stray from Jesus and worship satan instead. Atheists have the greatest "cover" of all, they insist they believe in no god yet most polls done and the latest research indicates that they are actually a different sect of Muslims.

But...argh.

My brain hurts.

[salva]

wat

[the_id]

No, everyone is born Christian. Only later in life do people choose to stray from Jesus and worship satan instead. Atheists have the greatest "cover" of all, they insist they believe in no god yet most polls done and the latest research indicates that they are actually a different sect of Muslims.

[pilonv1]

I am a bit troubled. I believe my son has a girlfriend, because she left a dirty magazine with men in it under his bed. My son is only 16 and I really don't think he's ready to date yet. What's worse is that he's sneaking some girl to his room behind my back. I need help, God! I want my son to stop being so secretive!

[Fuzzery]

PRAISE BE TO ALLAH

[GenericPseudonym]

I am a bit troubled. I believe my son has a girlfriend, because she left a dirty magazine with men in it under his bed. My son is only 16 and I really don't think he's ready to date yet. What's worse is that he's sneaking some girl to his room behind my back. I need help, God! I want my son to stop being so secretive!

Awesome.

[Tristam]

I hate to join in on the point-and-laugh fun, but this quote is just too awesome.

[the_id]

A missionary I knew watched a bullet headed for him do a RIGHT ANGLE before it got to him. MartyrInTraining, FulfilledProphecy.com

WOW!

[pilonv1]

[about a girl being born with mental disabilities] ... Most afflictions like this are caused by sins committed while still inside the womb. If she can repent for what she does god will embrace her and make her as human as you or me but if she chooses not to she'll always be like this

This is tremendous.

[Link1110]

Athiests as a Majority This is what it would be like, if the majority of people were athiests. ATHIEST KID: Mom, I'm going to go fuck a hooker. ATHIEST MOM: Okay, son. ATHIEST KID: Afterwards, I'm going to go smoke pot with my friends, since it's "not addictive." ATHIEST MOM: Okay, come home soon! The athiest kid leaves the room. The father comes home from work several minutes later. ATHIEST DAD: Hey! ATHIEST MOM: Hi, honey! I'm pregnant again. I guess I'll just get another abortion, since "fetuses don't count as human life." ATHIEST DAD: Okay, get as many abortions as you want! ATHIEST MOM: Oh, and don't go in the bedroom. ATHIEST DAD: Why not? ATHIEST MOM: There are two gay men fucking eachother in there. ATHIEST DAD: Why are they here? ATHIEST MOM: I wanted to watch them do it for awhile. They just aren't finished yet. ATHIEST DAD: Okay, that's fine with me! Suddenly, their neighbor runs into the house. ATHIEST NEIGHBOR: Come quick, there's a Christian outside! ATHIEST MOM: We'll be right there! The athiest couple quickly put on a pair of black robes and hoods. They then exit the house, and run into the street, where a Christian is nailed to a large, wooden X. He is being burned alive. A crowd of athiests stand around him, all wearing black robes and hoods. RANDOM ATHIEST: Damn you, Christian! We hate you! We claim to be tolerant of all religions. But we really hate your's! That's because we athiests are hypocritical like that! Die, Christian! THE END

I smell a sitcom!

[Fuzzery]

[about a girl being born with mental disabilities] This girl is like a leper so what she needs to do is try and find god if she really believes she can be healed from this state, she will be healed from this state Most afflictions like this are caused by sins committed while still inside the womb. If she can repent for what she does god will embrace her and make her as human as you or me but if she chooses not to she'll always be like this god tests every one of us [emphasis added] theSAVED, Penny Arcade [Comments (176)] [2007-Jan-14]

Wow... that's so horrible and hilarious at the same time, I don't know whether to laugh or not

Edit: Beaten

[Dali]

I wonder what she would have said she found furry porn under her son's bed.

"My son is keeping a dog. I told him he's not responsible enough for a pet, but I found magazines with pictures of men having sex in dog suits under his bed."

[bggrthnjsus]

wow.

[Fuzzery]

OI WE NEED A LINK TO THIS CHATROOM

[M3wThr33]

If your original Hebrew disagrees with my original King James --- your original Hebrew is wrong. If your original Hebrew agrees with my original King James, your original Hebrew is right.

God dammit.

[pilonv1]

If u have sex before marriage then in Gods eyes u are married to that person if a man rapes a woman in Gods eyes they are married it sucks for the girl but what can we do lol Gods soldier, Myspace [Comments (149)] [2006-Feb-03]

Nice to see some things are universal.

[Witchfinder General]

A man can have sexual pleasure from a child as young as a baby. However he should not penetrate, sodomising the child is OK. If the man penetrates and damages the child then he should be responsible for her subsistence all her life. This girl, however does not count as one of his four permanent wives. The man will not be eligible to marry the girl's sister.

*Shudders*

[Cryptozoologist]

A few months ago I felt led to put together a "post rapture file" for my unsaved loved ones which is on my computer. My daughter knows that if she doesn't come to Christ before we go that she is to get this file and share it with everyone. I'm working on a list of names and contact info to put in the file. Anyway, today I just felt very strongly that not only should I remind her of it, but to witness to her for the 1000th time and give her complete instructions on what to do as soon as we are gone. I even went so far as to tell her as soon as we are gone that she is to go to a house that belongs to a friend since he will be gone too. It is WAY off the grid. I'm going to talk to him about it tomorrow and get directions. He loves Tiffany like his own granddaughter so I know it will be fine since all of his loved ones are going too. I gave her the pin # to my atm and credit cards. I told her to make sure that she plants as big a garden as she can and learn to can food. Not to worry about the kids because they will be with Nana. I'm putting instructions in the file about how to start the generator, where her Daddy's guns are and how to load them, where the spare car and truck keys are, etc., etc., etc.

This one is hilarious. His daughter must feel awful.

[S. L.]

To say the Bible was written by men and may contain inaccuracies completely contradicts the word of the Bible.

@_@

[pilonv1]

There's a point about halfway where it no longer becomes funny and is just disturbing.

Then it gets funny again.

[Fuzzery]

lol christian forums

http://www.christianforums.net/viewt...p?f=19&t=30462

[Diablos]

Everyone knows scientists insist on using complex terminology to make it harder for True Christians to refute their claims. Deoxyribonucleic Acid, for example... sounds impressive, right? But have you ever seen what happens if you put something in acid? It dissolves! If we had all this acid in our cells, we'd all dissolve! So much for the Theory of Evolution, Check MATE!

YEAH! CHECK MATE!

[Tristam]

edit: fuck, beaten.

[ninj4junpei]

WOW!

I can't breathe.

[bggrthnjsus]

all the evolutionists, tell me something. i know how the big bang "has happened, but tell me, wouldnt an explosion, especially one that size, take away life instead of allow it? think about it. ex: the a-bomb, the h-bomb, grenades, cannon balls (when fired from a cannon of course), mines, rocket launchers, and anything and everything in between. they all have taken lives.

lol

[Witchfinder General]

If you call yourself a person of God and refuse to help arrest faggots, you belie yourself and prove you do not belong to the God who is committed to burning faggots. If you refuse to help arrest faggots, you really should expect to be left behind when God comes to collect His people.

I think people are getting the colloquilism for "faggot" mixed with it's real meaning.

[DjangoReinhardt]

Apes are just creatures twisted by Satan to mock Jesus by giving EVILolition credibility. Further more they are naturally lust crazed for human women. Since they are not natural creatures they should be exterminated forthwith as the tools of evil they are.

This one is my favorite.

[TheDrizzlerJ11]

Why is it that spiders could spin and weave a million years ago, but they try to say people could only spin or weave 20,000 years ago.

omg

[Crushed]

Are we sure that these just aren't parodies? Some of these seem reeeeeeealy fake.

[Witchfinder General]

No one knows what's happening until the flood comes (according to Matthew). And the flood is here - it refers to the apocalypse. There is a huge amount of supporting evidence on the site. For example, there is evidence for the wh0re of Babylon due to a 666 mile long penis in Mexico.

What... the fuck?!

[Diablos]

omg

ahhahahah

[ninj4junpei]

Convinced atheists adhere to no concepts of good and bad, but make them up as they go along. To me, they're no different from machines! A bit like the gun which is capable of cold, mindless, killing - devoid of all consciousness of responsibility.

I said wow.

[Garcia]

[Would you please tell us what your scientific qualifications (for evaluating evolution) are? What is your profession?] My qualification is I'm a God-fearing college dropout redneck hick landlord who goes after darwinism with freaking vengeance....and I just happen to have the truth on my side.

Strange... This actually sounds quite familiar. Most catholics/christians think the real REAL truth is on their side.

Sickeninggggaaaahhh !

[darkressurection]

Just recently my son Bobby came out to me. I had been worried for awhile. His teachers said most of his grades were slipping and he seemed depressed and withdrawn. Bobby said he'd been hiding it for awhile because he was afraid I would reject him. I sat him down and told him that I loved him and that God loved him, but that his salvation was in danger if he did not resist his unnatural tempations. I told him how being gay would mean he would live a shorter life, and that if he couldnt change his orientation he could be celibate like most the ex-gays are. He started crying saying something along the lines of "I knew you wouldnt understand! You're just like everyone else!" before running to his room and slamming the door. What did I do wrong? I dont want to lose my son, but I fear I already have. I talked it over with his therapist, who had the ludicrous idea that homosexuality was unchangable and that trying to repress could lead to lots of psychological damage (I've dropped him and will try to be finding another therapist with more moral beliefs). I wouldnt be surprised if he's the one who's feeding my son all the homosexual propaganda about how its 'ok' to be gay. That, or how homosexuality has engulfed the media, making it seem 'cool' and 'hip' and how they were just another oppressed minority. You didnt have to worry about seeing two men making out on tv at my age! I dont want to sound like a fanatic, but Im worried what other effects will come out of this increasingly secular, immoral society obsessed with filth. Am I too late? Or is it possible to save my son

facepalm.jpg

Edit:

I can sum it all up in three words: Evolution is a lie

[Shawsie64]

"Me and like-minded Christian students are trying to organize a mock stoning of openly gay students at our campus. We will be using crumpled up gray/brown construction paper to represent rocks, and will recite bible verses in opposition to their sinful nature. We will throw a volley or two of these "rocks" at every Gay person we happen to encounter that day. "


Ummm... WTF?!


"Apes are just creatures twisted by Satan to mock Jesus by giving EVILolition credibility. Further more they are naturally lust crazed for human women. Since they are not natural creatures they should be exterminated forthwith as the tools of evil they are."




You can tell this ones all there in the head..

[Tristam]

Strange... This actually sounds quite familiar. Most catholics/christians think the real REAL truth is on their side. Sickeninggggaaaahhh !

Er, why would you distinguish between a Catholic and a Christian? Do you mean Protestant, perhaps? Catholicism is simply a denomination of Christianity.

[Garcia]

was recently criticized for making a statement about my daughter not being able to play a war game on the Wii because she was a girl. Besides being too young to play it, it is true that I won't let her play it because she is a girl. And no, I don't think she should not learn math, either. I want my boys and girls (I have 2 each) to grow up being boys and girls. I don't want them growing up confused as to what their roles are in life. I want my girls to grow up with a desire to take care of their kids at home. Even homeschool. I want my boys to grow up learning what it means to lead, how to lead, and how to do it in a Godly way. I want my girls to learn how to follow their husbands leadership. I want them to learn that submitting to their husband does not make them a door mat. That it's as God wants it, and that they will have a more fulfilling life by doing what God has said

Medieval-age thinking FTW !

[Captain Glanton]

To say the Bible was written by men and may contain inaccuracies completely contradicts the word of the Bible.

<gasp>

Er, why would you distinguish between a Catholic and a Christian? Do you mean Protestant, perhaps? Catholicism is simply a denomination of Christianity.

A whole lot of Protestants would disagree with that.

[Instigator]

facepalm.jpg Edit:

You forgot to add that the son committed suicide.

[Ford Prefect]

This one is my favorite.

I don't think that guy realizes King Kong isn't a documentary


Edit: you know, it's easy to laugh, but this really is some of the most depressing shit you can read :( Goddamnit how can human beings be so fucking stupid?

[darkressurection]

You forgot to add that the son committed suicide.

Oh shit, I didn't see that. Poor kid.

[Shawsie64]

"A missionary I knew watched a bullet headed for him do a RIGHT ANGLE before it got to him."

MartyrInTraining, FulfilledProphecy.com [Comments (84)] [2007-Jan-08]

[Garcia]

Er, why would you distinguish between a Catholic and a Christian? Do you mean Protestant, perhaps? Catholicism is simply a denomination of Christianity.

There's a subtle difference in my country (Mexico) between Christians and Catholics. Basically a Christian praises Jesus much more than a Catholic. A Catholic relies on tons of saints like (I swear I'm not making this up) the saint of the job, the saint of the broken limbs, the saint of the sight, etc., you name it. You can just come up with any kind of saint you like and if you're lucky, the Vatican will approve his holyness, canonizing him.

[esbern]

YEAH! CHECK MATE!

here's some more wonderful understanding of acid, describing how someone could live within a whale.

How big do these whales get? In 1933 a sulfur bottom whale was caught off the coast of cape cod it was 100 ft long and had a mouth over 10 foot wide. A man who was unfortunate enough to be swallowed could take refuge in any one of the whales stomach chambers, or the large cranial cavities (extensions of the nasal sinus) which measure 7 feet high, 7ft wide and 14 ft long. More than big enough for a man to hide safely inside.

[Argyle]

Are we sure that these just aren't parodies? Some of these seem reeeeeeealy fake.

Some of them are - read the comments...

[Big-E]

Er, why would you distinguish between a Catholic and a Christian? Do you mean Protestant, perhaps? Catholicism is simply a denomination of Christianity.

I am a non practicing catholic but basically agnostic but I wouldn't label Catholics as Christians. Yes technically they are but the term Christianity has come to take a more fundamentalist meaning at least here in North America I find.