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Router
Hopsiah the Kanga-Jew
(02-04-2009, 01:57 PM)
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http://www.tangle.com/view_video.php...14023eb2c18bcb

Explains my willingness to confirm I guess.


Review of the game...

Originally Posted by crazy dude

Tetris (Soviet Academy of Sciences, available everywhere)

12.10.2008: Tetris is an action puzzle game where the player rotates falling block shapes to make them fit together in a pile. When a row is filled, it disappears, keeping the height of the pile of blocks from increasing. As the game progresses, it continually speeds up until the player starts making mistakes that allow the blocks to reach the top of the game area, ending the game. Tetris is unwinable, you can only put off your inevitable defeat. This fatalistic aspect of the game should come as no surprise since it was originally created in 1985 in the Soviet Union, where the Atheist government taught everyone that there is nothing but a bleak, pointless existence followed by death with no chance for Salvation.
It is claimed that the word "tetris" comes from the game pieces all being made of four blocks. In reality, the game was named in mockery of the Trinity by adding a forth hypostasis, the Communist State, to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. Because it is simple to program, versions of Tetris can be found on every game, computer, and operating system. There have even been implementations of Tetris done using computer controlled lights in office buildings, turning the lighted windows into the falling blocks. The ubiquity of Tetris is also because it is highly addictive. Its repetitive gameplay and use of a repetitive Russian folk tune causes players to slip into a hypnagogic state, making them receptive to the Communistic themes inherent in the game imagery (everyone is an unindividualistic block that must be made to fit together in Soviet conformity, and sometimes whole lines of people are made to disappear without any explanation). This is intentional, since, like all work done by the Soviet Academy of Science where Tetris was developed, it was part of secret military research, in this case having to do with mind control. (The US military also researched mind control video games in the 1980s, including one called "Polybius", but we never used them during the Cold War, unlike the Soviets who unleashed Tetris into the general public where it's still affecting people to this day.) Because of its fatalistic worldview and the danger it poses to people's God-given Free Will, all implementations of Tetris get ZERO CROSSES. [See our Tetris video exposť on GodTube.]

UPDATE (1.8.2009): The Secular media must be reading my reviews because shortly after I exposed Tetris for what it really is, they started trying to counter my exposť (without mentioning it, naturally) by promoting a so-called "study" hastily printed in some Darwinist online journal that claims Tetris is beneficial to mental health. They say soldiers should play Tetris within 6 hours of being in combat to keep them from having post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The only way that could happen is if all our soldiers were equipped with Tetris games in the field! And how did they learn this? They showed subjects some sort of snuff film with like people being killed (where did they get this? do the police know about it?) then had the subjects play Tetris. What kind of sick experiment is this!? Before I was born again I saw a Secular movie called, I think, "the Parallax View", where a shadowy corporation is brainwashing people to become assassins by showing them a propaganda movie that has all sorts of disturbing images mixed with words like "GOD", "LOVE", "COUNTRY", etc. They didn't have them play Tetris afterwards, but I guess that's how they do it nowadays. I asked my Game Theory professor Dr. Holgroth about this and he thinks this whole thing is a plot by the militant Atheists to undermine our military. We try to install a Christian worldview in our soldiers in basic training and military academies, then when they are deployed, anti-Christians sneakily put Communist propaganda in their hands to condition them to associate relief from traumatic stress with a Godless worldview. (For those suffering from PTSD, do not be tricked by crypto-Communists into playing Tetris! Real relief from PTSD can be had by taking beta blockers, SSRIs, and memorizing scripture.)

Sorry for the HUGEWALLOFTEXT. :D

Found the link from this site... Game reviews are classic.

http://objectiveministries.org/zounds/gaming.html
Last edited by Router; 02-04-2009 at 02:05 PM.
Doc Evils
Member
(02-04-2009, 02:01 PM)
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*blinks*
Barrett2
Member
(02-04-2009, 02:04 PM)

Before I was born again I saw a Secular movie called, I think, "the Parallax View", where a shadowy corporation is brainwashing people to become assassins by showing them a propaganda movie that has all sorts of disturbing images mixed with words like "GOD", "LOVE", "COUNTRY", etc. They didn't have them play Tetris afterwards, but I guess that's how they do it nowadays.

Last edited by Barrett2; 02-04-2009 at 02:13 PM.
Malfunky
Member
(02-04-2009, 02:12 PM)
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Tetris promotes atheism? Goddamn, I love it even more.
Davidion
Rambunctious Rogue
yet
Regrets his Tag
(02-04-2009, 02:14 PM)
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As a lifelong Tetris player, I'm pretty sure I agree I wholeheartedly with the premise of the thread title.

Hail Tetris.
Vorador
Banned
(02-04-2009, 02:16 PM)
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Communism is the light
ScrabbleBanshee
Member
(02-04-2009, 02:19 PM)
Obviously, Tetris is a result of natural selection.
crowphoenix
rising from soot, not ashes
(02-04-2009, 02:20 PM)
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Where's that creepy picture of the guy that had his mind blown and is just looking around.

I'm pretty sure that's what I looked like as I read that.
Joseph Merrick
#2 Tingle Fan
(right after Beezy)
(02-04-2009, 02:21 PM)
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the power of tetris compels you
Dead Man
I got d 2 tha eepdicked
d-e-e-p-d-i-c-k-e-d
(02-04-2009, 02:22 PM)
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Tetris is unwinable, you can only put off your inevitable defeat.

Nobody told this guy.
wolfmat
Member
(02-04-2009, 02:22 PM)
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GodTube eh? Only gods can upload? Awesome! Why am I still bothering with YouTube? Fucking peasant scum.

As for Tetris, I wonder how many stones it already has made disappear since it launched. This really has to stop.
Gomu Gomu
Member
(02-04-2009, 02:24 PM)
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that site is a joke :lol

Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots (Komani, PS3)
Snake
Apple
6.12.2008: (Note: I have not played this game since it is rated "M" and isn't allowed on the Fellowship U campus, so I am basing this mini-review on Secular media reports.) In Metal Gear Solid 4, you play the role of Snake, a soldier who uses stealth to sneak around a battlefield on a mission to steal guns from the Patriots (and to choke people from behind). As his name implies, Snake is actually a symbolic agent of Satan, sent into the world to finish what he started in the Garden. Evidence of this symbolism can be seen by Snake's use of an Apple iPod throughout the game (Apple is a notorious promoter of Darwinism and counter-culture). Also, Meryl, who guides Snake via a disembodied voice, uses an Apple Macintosh computer (I think Meryl is supposed to represent Satan himself, but all the symbolism is very confusing since it was written by a Japanese guy). This game promotes drug use (Snake is addicted to cigarettes and the HDD installation process features an 8-minute video of Snake teaching players how to smoke), eugenics through human cloning (Snake was the product of a project to clone "super soldiers"), disrespect of Authority (Snake's main enemy in the game are the Patriots, who represent the Christian founders of our nation), and Materialistic Determinacy with an absence of Free Will (every game in the MGS series is a remake of the first, only with a different Snake clone, the theory being that by putting the clones through the same missions, they will develop into the same person). MGS4 was designed to train those who will be left behind after the Rapture to serve in the Antichrist's military forces. As such, it has no value for the Christian gamer, who is among the Elect and won't have to deal with that, but it may help the unsaved to know the tactics they will be up against in a post-Rapture world should they choose to join the fight against the Antichrist and secure themselves a place among the Sheep when Christ returns. Therefore, I am giving it ONE CROSS for this slight benefit.

I AM SPEECHLESS :lol :lol :lol
crowphoenix
rising from soot, not ashes
(02-04-2009, 02:25 PM)
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It is claimed that the word "tetris" comes from the game pieces all being made of four blocks. In reality, the game was named in mockery of the Trinity by adding a forth hypostasis, the Communist State, to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.

This might be the single most amusingly disturbing lines I've read.
Sword Familiar
178% of NeoGAF posters don't understand statistics
(02-04-2009, 02:26 PM)
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Awesome. If this is made by communism then I'm all for it! Great, great game. :D
Doc Evils
Member
(02-04-2009, 02:26 PM)
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Originally Posted by NeoGAFFer

that site is a joke :lol


I AM SPEECHLESS :lol :lol :lol

(I think Meryl is supposed to represent Satan himself, but all the symbolism is very confusing since it was written by a Japanese guy).

:lol

holy shit, I'm dying here.:lol
Router
Hopsiah the Kanga-Jew
(02-04-2009, 02:27 PM)
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Yeah, I'm still trying to decide if that site is real or just a big joke. The "Dangers of Guitar Hero" video down the bottom has me leaning towards "depressingly real".
Dead Man
I got d 2 tha eepdicked
d-e-e-p-d-i-c-k-e-d
(02-04-2009, 02:29 PM)
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Originally Posted by NeoGAFFer

that site is a joke :lol


I AM SPEECHLESS :lol :lol :lol

The more I read of it, it has to be a monster troll site, right?

Hey, Pastor Skeet here... We've given our own Kyle Goldman a page on the Zounds! site for his awesome mini-reviews of video games. When he's not too busy studying at the F-Ship to become a Missiological Technician, Kyle likes to hang with his peeps in the Commons and play some vids. And let me tell you, Da G-Man got game. Back in the day, I could play a righteous game of Pong, but even I've got nothing on Kyle's mad skillz. As the gamers say: I got pee-to-the-owned, powned.

Hopefully Kyle's reviews will help y'all enjoy some Christ-centered gaming and inspire you to take up the mission in-game. Remember: just 'cause you're an Orc doesn't mean you can't witness for Jesus to your fellow gamers! For the Lord!

Haunted
(02-04-2009, 02:31 PM)
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Originally Posted by Vorador

Communism is the light

stole my joke :lol
Jocchan
Ὁ μεμβερος -ου
(02-04-2009, 02:33 PM)
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Their Halo review is all kinds of awesome.

Halo 1, 2 & 3 (Bungie, Xbox & PC)
8.31.2008: (Note: I have not played these games since they are rated "M" and aren't allowed on the Fellowship U campus, so I am basing this mini-review on Secular media reports.) The Halo series is a very popular first person shooter game that first appeared on the original Xbox. The single-player campaign is set in space on a giant ring-planet (that is why it is misleadingly called "halo", it has nothing to do with angels or anyone holy) where human soldiers are battling aliens for possession of the halo. The player controls the Master Chef who in a surprise twist turns out to be more than just a military cook... he's also a super soldier (I think this was the plot of a Steven Seagal movie I saw before I was born again, only that was set on a Navy ship and he fought terrorists instead of aliens. But it's the same general idea.) It's a war game, so there's lots of violence, but it's against aliens (God hasn't said anything yet about aliens, so I guess that's morally acceptable for now). However, the alien forces are called "the Covenant" and are depicted as having strong religious values and a desire for Salvation, so they are undoubtedly a reference to Christians. The Halo planet itself is probably a reference to the rainbow God gave as a sign of His Covenant with us (Gen. 9:12-17), which means the game's objective of keeping Halo from the aliens is really about destroying God's relationship with His creation. Typical for the Secular media, the Christians are alien bad guys and must be either led away from God or killed. Also, there's a naked woman in the game, only she's a computer and translucent, but I'm told you can still totally see stuff. Where the Halo series gets really bad is in its online play, which allows teams of players to fight each other to capture the flag or other objectives. Unlike in single-player, here the players are trying to kill other humans (who are actual real people, not just AIs), desensitizing them to the murder of their friends and classmates (although the games are rated "M" most players are underage). Players swear and use blasphemies constantly in the voice chat, but that's not the worst part. When a player kills another player, he goes to the corpse and does something called "tea bagging". I'm not going to describe this since it's gross, but, according to Skeet, it's something that homosexuals do to each other. Why would they do this in a game!? (That's not the only homosexual content. The human soldiers are referred to as "Spartans" -- the real Spartans were notorious homosexuals. Come to think of it, homosexuals have also stolen the rainbow symbol from Christians and are using it to separate people from their God by leading them astray into the "Gay lifestyle". Maybe Bungie included "tea bagging" to further their anti-Covenant theme into the multiplayer campaigns.) For violence, nudity, swearing, promoting homosexual activities and promoting the destruction of the Covenant, the Halo series gets ZERO CROSSES.

I ended up bolding most of it :lol
stilgar
Member
(02-04-2009, 02:34 PM)
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This site makes me ashamed to be a christian. The video of the CEO almost made me vomit.

ho, and btw :

danmaku
Member
(02-04-2009, 02:35 PM)
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A joke site? Maybe, but there are people stupid enough to believe that kind of stuff :lol
Router
Hopsiah the Kanga-Jew
(02-04-2009, 02:35 PM)
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Originally Posted by Jocchan

Their Halo review is all kinds of awesome.

I ended up bolding most of it :lol


You will never look at the Master Chef in the same way again.



[IMG]http://i40.************/2qtx0lh.gif[/IMG]
Stevek211
Member
(02-04-2009, 02:36 PM)
Hahahaha, America. :lol
crowphoenix
rising from soot, not ashes
(02-04-2009, 02:37 PM)
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Originally Posted by Stevek211

Hahahaha, America. :lol

Oh, come on. We are not all like that. :lol
Gomu Gomu
Member
(02-04-2009, 02:38 PM)
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Originally Posted by Jocchan

Their Halo review is all kinds of awesome.

I ended up bolding most of it :lol

aaaahahahaha :lol :lol
Barrett2
Member
(02-04-2009, 02:41 PM)

Originally Posted by crowphoenix

Oh, come on. We are not all like that. :lol


I am. I pray for your soul and your demonic avatar.
TouchMyBox
Member
(02-04-2009, 02:41 PM)
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This is satire, right? Has to be looking at that MGS4 review.

Bravo good sirs.
crowphoenix
rising from soot, not ashes
(02-04-2009, 02:42 PM)
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Originally Posted by lawblob

I am. I pray for your soul and your demonic avatar.

:lol Well played.
bengraven
will fuck homely black hookers in the name of progress and tolerance
(02-04-2009, 02:42 PM)
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Is the writer a former Talib?
Pureauthor
(02-04-2009, 02:42 PM)
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It's like a train wreck that somehow manages to rearrange the wreckage into a perfect image of the Mona Lisa.

Or Carrot Top.
Barrett2
Member
(02-04-2009, 02:45 PM)
I would love to read this guy's Condemned review. His head would probably fall off.
WarpToken.com
Member
(02-04-2009, 02:45 PM)
I am Christian and I think these reviews are ridiculous.
Doc Evils
Member
(02-04-2009, 02:47 PM)
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[IMG]http://i42.************/244ru4h.png[/IMG]

[IMG]http://i41.************/219w3te.png[/IMG]
Jocchan
Ὁ μεμβερος -ου
(02-04-2009, 02:47 PM)
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Originally Posted by lawblob

I would love to read this guy's Condemned review. His head would probably fall off.

I'm thinking about sending him a copy of Silent Hill 3.
TouchMyBox
Member
(02-04-2009, 02:49 PM)
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Originally Posted by Jocchan

I'm thinking about sending him a copy of Silent Hill 3.

How about some SMT games? :O
crowphoenix
rising from soot, not ashes
(02-04-2009, 02:49 PM)
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Originally Posted by Jocchan

I'm thinking about sending him a copy of Silent Hill 3.

Or maybe Sonic 06. The hedgehog on human action would make him faint.
-PXG-
Banned
(02-04-2009, 02:52 PM)
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Originally Posted by danmaku

A joke site? Maybe, but there are people stupid enough to believe that kind of stuff :lol

Unfortunately, this shit is real. It's sad that there are people like this, in the year 2009, in the United States of America, who believe in this crap. But its still funny as hell too :lol
danmaku
Member
(02-04-2009, 02:57 PM)
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Originally Posted by Jocchan

I'm thinking about sending him a copy of Silent Hill 3.

He couldn't play it, it's rated M. But he could put toghether another review based on "secular media" :lol
Manos: The Hans of Fate
Banned
(02-04-2009, 02:58 PM)
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Originally Posted by -PXG-

Unfortunately, this shit is real. It's sad that there are people like this, in the year 2009, in the United States of America, who believe in this crap. But its still funny as hell too :lol

Wait, I recall this site coming up around the time of MGS4 and I though the consensus was that the site was a joke.

Still, since I'm Jewish can someone create an achievement tag for control of the worlds money supply. Seriously I would love to see that.
theBishop
Banned
(02-04-2009, 03:04 PM)
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Hey stupid - are you too
dumb to know there are
4 different simultaneous
24 hour days within a
single rotation of Earth?
Greenwich 1 day is a lie.
4 quadrants = 4 corners,
and 4 different directions.
Each Earth corner rotates
own separate 24 hour day.
Infinite days is stupidity.
DarknessTear
Member
(02-04-2009, 03:05 PM)
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Funny site, I bet it came from a goon at SA.
truly101
I got grudge sucked!
(02-04-2009, 03:05 PM)
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I wish eugenics was still practiced, this guy would be one of the first sterilized.
FirewalkR
Member
(02-04-2009, 03:07 PM)
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The whole site has to be a joke. It's too good to be serious!

LOL @ Obama not being sworn in using a bible, brilliantly "interrupting" the oath the first time so as to avoid it. :lol :lol :lol
Router
Hopsiah the Kanga-Jew
(02-04-2009, 03:09 PM)
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Originally Posted by wmat

http://objectiveministries.org/kidz/


Hopsiah the Kanga-Jew knows history because his family lived it!

Hopsiah lives in the Middle East, where his ancestors and those of all the other animals and humans alive today exited Noah's Ark 4,000 years ago.

But unlike the other Kangaroos who hopped to Australia, Hopsiah's family stayed behind to witness the coming of the Messiah!


Wait... What?
Jedeye Sniv
Member
(02-04-2009, 03:12 PM)
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"My OBJECTIVE is JUST 4 KIDZ! The "Z" is for "ZEALOUSNESS," 'cause Jesus wants us to be hot for Him, not lukewarm."

:lol Dude, I am so hot for Jesus right now...
Dreams-Visions
I'm mad as hell but this sandwich is delicious
(02-04-2009, 03:13 PM)
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the earth is also flat.
wolfmat
Member
(02-04-2009, 03:13 PM)
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Seems like Jesus quite enjoys the company of sheep for some reason, according to those guys.
aasoncott
Member
(02-04-2009, 03:14 PM)
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Calm down, people, it's a (well-known) joke. But a bloody good example of Poe's law.
Fistwell
Member
(02-04-2009, 03:15 PM)
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Originally Posted by NeoGAFFer

that site is a joke :lol


I AM SPEECHLESS :lol :lol :lol

The sad thing is, while the content of the review is crap, it is better written than most of what you find in the usual gaming websites.

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