[Docpan]

I decided that I wanted to go running three miles last night, even though it was frigid cold.

Earlier in the evening, I ate a fuck ton of prunes (almost an entire container) because I was hungry and they were there (haven't been to the store in a while, so I've been running low on snacks). Without thinking about it, I left my house and began running.

1.5 miles into the run, I felt very gassy. I began farting, but the gas pains wouldn't subside. It was interrupting my run so badly that I had to stop in my tracks for a minute. I ripped a couple of massive farts. As I went for a third, I could feel that releasing it would unleash a shotgun blast of diarrhea into my running shorts. I held it back until I could feel it recoil into my intestines.

I began to run again but the pain came back even stronger. I came to the realization that I would have to walk the rest of the way, or risk shitting my fucking pants and having the residue stream down my leg for any passers-by to see.

I began speed walking the rest of the way home in earnest, knowing that there were absolutely no spots along the way where I could release the foul beast coiling inside me. I contemplated shitting in a patch of grass not touched by the light of street lamps (It was about 10 PM), but it was too risky-- there were houses everywhere.

The pain was getting worse every minute. I trudged on, dreaming of the minute I'd get to annihilate my fucking toilet. I counted 5 separate instances where the shit pushed all the way down to the asshole, and I had to clench it shut in order to keep it from flowing out. After about 1 to 2 minutes of clenching, it would climb back up into my colon in defeat, only to try again minutes later.

When I got to about a block away from my house, I felt as if my sphincter was about to literally explode. I said fuck it, and sprinted with my house key in hand.

I got to the door and yep, it was fucking DOUBLE LOCKED. After fiddling with the keys clumsily, I managed to get in the door and stumble 5 feet extra to the downstairs bathroom. It shot out like a cannon before my ass was even on the seat.

In short, no feces got in my trousers, but the result of holding it in so long was SEVERE pain as it came out. I was on the can for at least 15 minutes, moaning all the while.

Crisis averted.

Everyone, please share your stories of nearly shitting yourself. After all, it is a true test of manliness.

[Concept17]

I must say, your story was very entertaining to read and well written. I look forward to more potential problems in your future.

As for myself...I've come close a few times, but nothing as serious as your incident.

[GodofWine]

I crapped myself when I was 5 years old...I was doing jumping jacks, and I crapped. :lol

[braimuge]

Ho-Lee shet. I literally laughed out loud, after that Blow like a rocket before you hit the seat part. :lol

[ronito]

there was my target story. But that thread's locked somewhere.

[evil solrac v3.0]

BRAVO!!! WOULD READ AGAIN!!

[lil smoke]

I shit my pants a few times.

I remember being surprised at how warm and heavy it was. And very sticky. It like turns claylike after awhile, and the smell changes a few times. High School sucked.

OKAY, I went back and read your OP. Great stuff man, I am in tears right now. Well written. :lol

[mre]

[Anerythristic]

You remind me of Nintendos Booger in many ways.

As I went for a third, I could feel that releasing it would unleash a shotgun blast of diarrhea into my running shorts. I held it back until I could feel it recoil into my intestines.

:lol

[Leatherface]

LOL. I have a similar story thats funny as hell. When I get out of work I will share it with you guys. I can definately relate to this though. :lol

[Doubledex]

:lol :lol

[Handycrap101]

Sometimes I'm just too lazy to get up and just shit my pants.

[slider]

If you've ever run a marathon you'll come close. Really close. Doesn't matter what preparations you take.

Or so I hear. I'm not built for running. I'm more the recline on the sofa type.

[beelzebozo]

Pro-tip: Stay away from foods that use Olestra.

qft

[braimuge]

If you've ever run a marathon you'll come close. Really close. Doesn't matter what preparations you take. Or so I hear. I'm not built for running. I'm more the recline on the sofa type.

So am I. Brother, so am I.


But I will run my arse of,when shit be goin' down son.

[Skittleguy]

This one time, I had the stomach flu. Thought it was gonna be gas, then I had to change my pants.

[joelseph]

When I was very young I used to pull my pants all the way down to my ankles to pee. One time at my babysitters house I had my pants down and I was peeing, minding my own business, when I pooped a little onto the floor. Whoops.

[Raistlin]

Sometimes I'm just too lazy to get up and just shit my pants.

Your name makes so much sense now

[TrAcEr_x90]

Ive had I believe two of those experiences. Once when i was at work. It just hit and I had BAD stomach pains. The bathroom is right next to everyone working so its not ideal to do anything other than blow your nose. Luckily I lived close to work and just sprinted to my apartment. I seriously JUST made it. I think the locked door thing is the worse, knowing your so close, but fumbling trying to get the door unlocked thinking your just not going to make it. I made some maneuvar where Im taking one giant leap while throwing my keys to the floor and unbuckling my belt in midair, and somehow landing on the toilet and unleashing an unholy demon.

[braimuge]

I would hit the bushes, son. Humanity has been doin' that forever. Why should it be weird now?

[slider]

I would hit the bushes, son. Humanity has been doin' that forever. Why should it be weird now?

Not that I wanna think about it too much, but say it was a sloppy, messy one? Leaves to clean? Wow, it'd be like 2000 BC. All that'd remain is some chick in a leopard skin bikini.

But yeah, that's what I'd do too. And when I got home I'd secretly hope some douche stepped in it.

Rock and roll.

[Souldriver]

Somehow I'm in tears just reading this. :lol


Oh, and I know the feeling btw, you're description of the shit pushing at your anus only to go back in your intestines where it causes massive pain and enormous activety and movement. Horrible experience.

[Crisis]

I decided that I wanted to go running three miles last night, even though it was frigid cold. Earlier in the evening, I ate a fuck ton of prunes (almost an entire container) because I was hungry and they were there (haven't been to the store in a while, so I've been running low on snacks). Without thinking about it, I left my house and began running. 1.5 miles into the run, I felt very gassy. I began farting, but the gas pains wouldn't subside. It was interrupting my run so badly that I had to stop in my tracks for a minute. I ripped a couple of massive farts. As I went for a third, I could feel that releasing it would unleash a shotgun blast of diarrhea into my running shorts. I held it back until I could feel it recoil into my intestines. I began to run again but the pain came back even stronger. I came to the realization that I would have to walk the rest of the way, or risk shitting my fucking pants and having the residue stream down my leg for any passers-by to see. I began speed walking the rest of the way home in earnest, knowing that there were absolutely no spots along the way where I could release the foul beast coiling inside me. I contemplated shitting in a patch of grass not touched by the light of street lamps (It was about 10 PM), but it was too risky-- there were houses everywhere. The pain was getting worse every minute. I trudged on, dreaming of the minute I'd get to annihilate my fucking toilet. I counted 5 separate instances where the shit pushed all the way down to the asshole, and I had to clench it shut in order to keep it from flowing out. After about 1 to 2 minutes of clenching, it would climb back up into my colon in defeat, only to try again minutes later. When I got to about a block away from my house, I felt as if my sphincter was about to literally explode. I said fuck it, and sprinted with my house key in hand. I got to the door and yep, it was fucking DOUBLE LOCKED. After fiddling with the keys clumsily, I managed to get in the door and stumble 5 feet extra to the downstairs bathroom. It shot out like a cannon before my ass was even on the seat. In short, no feces got in my trousers, but the result of holding it in so long was SEVERE pain as it came out. I was on the can for at least 15 minutes, moaning all the while. Crisis averted. Everyone, please share your stories of nearly shitting yourself. After all, it is a true test of manliness.

Hello friend.

[Triz]

I had to pull over to the side of Interstate 5 once and shit while cars drove past me. There was a good 10 miles before the next available bathroom and I wouldnt have made it. Used my wifes fleece sweater to wipe up.

[Xabora]

OP needs a dramatic reading. :O

[JimmyV]

I work in a call center, and I was making a call for someone who wanted a divorse attorney, as soon as i read this title, I almost laughed while on the phone with her =/

[braimuge]

I had to pull over to the side of Interstate 5 once and shit while cars drove past me. There was a good 10 miles before the next available bathroom and I wouldnt have made it. Used my wifes fleece sweater to wipe up.

[IMG]http://i44.************/2z65qtk.jpg[/IMG]

[Danielsan]

That was an excellent read. I was literally laughing out loud during the entire thing. :lol

[teruterubozu]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rm2DcWerIVg

[offtopic]

One of my favs:

“All in all, it hadn’t been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I’d last taken a dump. I’d tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to go Christmas shopping. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, “Everything Must Go!”. This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 5 for your convenience: 1. Occupied. 2. Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it’s next to the occupied one. 3. Poo on seat. 4. Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat. 5. No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet. Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back, entered, dropped trousers and sat down. I’m normally a fairly Shameful Sh1tter. I wasn’t happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot. I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Sh1tter was blathering to Mrs. Sh1tter about the sh1tty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn’t get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier. Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude — a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently. Once my *** cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon’s continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial “herald” fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence. “Oh my God”, I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, “No, baby, that wasn’t me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??” Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I’d see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride. Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: “Gotta go… horrible… throw up… in my mouth… not… make it… tell the kids… love them… oh God…” followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching. Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one’s phone and wipe one’s bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet. There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who’d be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth. As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know. I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it’ll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public — and I doubt he’ll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.”

[Souldriver]

I had to pull over to the side of Interstate 5 once and shit while cars drove past me. There was a good 10 miles before the next available bathroom and I wouldnt have made it. Used my wifes fleece sweater to wipe up.

omg :lol

This thread is great!

[ronito]

Ah found it

http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=151963

[Slurmer]

I did once when when I was at one of my brother's football games.

We were playing at some backwoods middle-of-nowhere school--their fans were racist, their field was awful, their bleachers splintered your ass. It was the playoffs and it had been pouring rain all day like you couldn't believe.

Towards the end of the game I had an overwhelming, spontaneous urge to take a giant shit. I knew I was in trouble because I immediately had to strain to hold it in. So I got up from the bleachers and cautiously headed to the bathroom.

Between me and the bathroom was about 100 yards of deep, muddy earth. I took a deep breath, clenched my cheeks, and started walking. Not even a third of the way there, I slipped badly. Trying to catch my balance, I guess I temporarily lost focus, and..well...I shit myself. I just stood there in the rain in fucking disbelief for probably a good 20 seconds.

There was no way in hell I was going back to sit with friends/parents like this, so I trudged the rest of the way to the toilet. Once there I cleaned myself off as best I could and discarded my boxers. No trashcan to speak of, so I just left them on the back of the toilet. Thankfully the game was basically over at that point ans we got the hell out of there right after it ended.

[btrick]

In 7th grade, we went to the mountains for this kind of science/nature camp thing. it was all fun to learn how to enjoy nature and all that.

On one of the hikes, we were given the opportunity to venture out by ourselves at night.. so they let us leave on this designated path one by one, spread out enough so that we wouldn't see each other. We had been outside for awhile, so I haven't had much of a chance to go to the bathroom for a long time.

Fairly early on in the hike, i felt the shit train coming in.. but at the time i didn't think of it much since i thought the hike would be short.

but as i would later learn many many times.. life just isn't fair. the hike was long. it was hard. and i had to shit. very badly.

but i knew couldnt just sit down and shit in the middle of the path... there was a kid walking maybe a minute or two behind me.

"fuck it," i thought. i ran to the side of the path.. took a shit under a tree and wiped my ass with a leaf.

when i got back onto the trail, i just met up with the kid behind me and we walked the rest of the way together. later i would hear of people behind us smelling my shit as they walked by.

congrats 'gaf. i dont think i've ever told this story to anyone.

[DevilWillcry]

Dude I would have shit near someone's house if I were you. Kudos on making it home. I shit in a paper bag in in front of a restaurant once because the toilets there were out of order and I was too far from my house to make it home. I left the bag in front of the restaurant :lol.

[DarkKyo]

There are no words. Thanks for sharing.

[braimuge]

:lol :lol

[braimuge]

Ah found it http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=151963

Opening that link and reading the title alone was LOL worthy! :lol

Edit: oh crap, double post :(

[btrick]

I did once when when I was at one of my brother's football games. We were playing at some backwoods middle-of-nowhere school--their fans were racist, their field was awful, their bleachers splintered your ass. It was the playoffs and it had been pouring rain all day like you couldn't believe. Towards the end of the game I had an overwhelming, spontaneous urge to take a giant shit. I knew I was in trouble because I immediately had to strain to hold it in. So I got up from the bleachers and cautiously headed to the bathroom. Between me and the bathroom was about 100 yards of deep, muddy earth. I took a deep breath, clenched my cheeks, and started walking. Not even a third of the way there, I slipped badly. Trying to catch my balance, I guess I temporarily lost focus, and..well...I shit myself. I just stood there in the rain in fucking disbelief for probably a good 20 seconds. There was no way in hell I was going back to sit with friends/parents like this, so I trudged the rest of the way to the toilet. Once there I cleaned myself off as best I could and discarded my boxers. No trashcan to speak of, so I just left them on the back of the toilet. Thankfully the game was basically over at that point ans we got the hell out of there right after it ended.

LOL. nobody caught you?

[Docpan]

I had to consider the logistics of shitting in the bushes.

Firstly, I had to scope a plausible site to do the deed. There were several areas near a lake that were completely shrouded in darkness, but there were houses on all sides-- what if, WHAT IF someone were to just step out into their back yard only to see some deranged man squatting down to take a shit? Taking a leak is one thing, but shitting on the ground is a wholly different level of public indecency. I'd instantly be labeled as being insane, with a possibility of the authorities being called. The act of shitting on the ground like a caveman is certainly appalling, especially considering I live in a relatively upscale neighborhood.

Second, how would I wipe myself, and potentially hide the remnants of the dirty deed? I almost knew for certain that it would be liquid matter, not solid. There would be a disgusting pool of foul, brown shit water everywhere. While the night time afforded me the ability to shroud myself like a ninja, the daylight would show everything. Would they be able to trace it back to me through surveillance cameras, or search dogs, or something of the sort? Fines are imposed upon those who don't clean up after their animals, so how about those who don't clean up after THEMSELVES? It wasn't a chance I wanted to take. Plus, I'm just not keen on using the ground to clean my ass. The image of a beautiful man-made lake being defiled by a patch of smeared feces was just too traumatizing for me to risk it.

[The Lamonster]

Bookmarked. Glad to see your story had a happy ending.




...not that kind of happy ending you sick bastards

[Souldriver]

I had to consider the logistics of shitting in the bushes. Firstly, I had to scope a plausible site to do the deed. There were several areas near a lake that were completely shrouded in darkness, but there were houses on all sides-- what if, WHAT IF someone were to just step out into their back yard only to see some deranged man squatting down to take a shit? Taking a leak is one thing, but shitting on the ground is a wholly different level of public indecency. I'd instantly be labeled as being insane, with a possibility of the authorities being called. The act of shitting on the ground like a caveman is certainly appalling, especially considering I live in a relatively upscale neighborhood. Second, how would I wipe myself, and potentially hide the remnants of the dirty deed? I almost knew for certain that it would be liquid matter, not solid. There would be a disgusting pool of foul, brown shit water everywhere. While the night time afforded me the ability to shroud myself like a ninja, the daylight would show everything. Would they be able to trace it back to me through surveillance cameras, or search dogs, or something of the sort? Fines are imposed upon those who don't clean up after their animals, so how about those who don't clean up after THEMSELVES? It wasn't a chance I wanted to take. Plus, I'm just not keen on using the ground to clean my ass. The image of a beautiful man-made lake being defiled by a patch of smeared feces was just too traumatizing for me to risk it.

Ok, that's just paranoid.

But I think the problems that would occur once you've shat (how to wipe, ...), would also make me second guess my options.

[slider]

The image of a beautiful man-made lake being defiled by a patch of smeared feces was just too traumatizing for me to risk it.

I read this as the image of a beautiful man being defiled by a patch of smeared feces was just too traumatizing for me to risk it.

In which case I can totally understand. I'm beautiful too.

[braimuge]

So let's turn this around. What was the worst (hardest and most painful) shit you ever took?

I remember one time, where my anus was dripping with blood :(

[Slurmer]

LOL. nobody caught you?

No. Thank God. Although knowing that, eventually, somebody went in there and found my shitty underpants made me feel pretty bad.

[LCfiner]

This thread is gold.

I (almost) wish I had a story to share.

[Baraka in the White House]

I had to consider the logistics of shitting in the bushes. Firstly, I had to scope a plausible site to do the deed. There were several areas near a lake that were completely shrouded in darkness, but there were houses on all sides-- what if, WHAT IF someone were to just step out into their back yard only to see some deranged man squatting down to take a shit? Taking a leak is one thing, but shitting on the ground is a wholly different level of public indecency. I'd instantly be labeled as being insane, with a possibility of the authorities being called. The act of shitting on the ground like a caveman is certainly appalling, especially considering I live in a relatively upscale neighborhood. Second, how would I wipe myself, and potentially hide the remnants of the dirty deed? I almost knew for certain that it would be liquid matter, not solid. There would be a disgusting pool of foul, brown shit water everywhere. While the night time afforded me the ability to shroud myself like a ninja, the daylight would show everything. Would they be able to trace it back to me through surveillance cameras, or search dogs, or something of the sort? Fines are imposed upon those who don't clean up after their animals, so how about those who don't clean up after THEMSELVES? It wasn't a chance I wanted to take. Plus, I'm just not keen on using the ground to clean my ass. The image of a beautiful man-made lake being defiled by a patch of smeared feces was just too traumatizing for me to risk it.

Your narrative is pretty entertaining, mang. :lol

[Souldriver]

So let's turn this around. What was the worst (hardest and most painful) shit you ever took? I remember one time, where my anus was dripping with blood :(

That has happened to me quite a lot in the past. Hemorrhoids and all. :( It's quite frightening to see the toilet full of blood instead of a nice shit in clear water.

[daw840]

So let's turn this around. What was the worst (hardest and most painful) shit you ever took? I remember one time, where my anus was dripping with blood :(

one guy one cup?

[-viper-]

Haha, damn.