[Platy]

It always impresses me the obiviety (is that a word ?) of how most girls can totaly understand how other people are girls xD

[Emitan]

What do I do with my hair? D:

Mom wants me to cut it and I want it long, but I have no idea what to do with it. I'll ask my sister when I see her.

[sophora]

What do I do with my hair? D: Mom wants me to cut it and I want it long, but I have no idea what to do with it. I'll ask my sister when I see her.

I'd say try grow it out, if you like it stick with it. You can always cut it but it's rather hard to grow it long.

[Platy]

What do I do with my hair? D: Mom wants me to cut it and I want it long, but I have no idea what to do with it. I'll ask my sister when I see her.

Go for long

How old are you for your mom decides your haircut ?

[Jintor]

I don't think Billie's out of college yet.

Parental units still have influence on your hairstyle decisions! Because they bitch like crazy when they see you. :T

[sophora]

I don't think Billie's out of college yet. Parental units still have influence on your hairstyle decisions! Because they bitch like crazy when they see you. :T

This is true...every time my parents see me now they bring up my hair. Makes me wonder if I didn't lock my door at night if they'd come in and cut it in my sleep -.-;

[Platy]

These days, an artist that studys in the same university than me asked if I could be model for a gender related photography session ....

She wants to make something along the lines of these two sequences but with feminine and masculine stuff ...

The shotting will be tomorrow between EA's and Ubisoft's E3 conferences ...

I'm worried .. I LOVE anything gender related... but I hate photos =x

If she allows I will post the finished pics ... just not sure if in the recent pics or here xD

[Jamie xxoo]

What do I do with my hair? D: Mom wants me to cut it and I want it long, but I have no idea what to do with it. I'll ask my sister when I see her.

Your answer is right there in your question. "I WANT it long"

Don't cut it for anyone. You can put up with the passive aggressive snipes and the constant annoying whinging about it from your parents. You can.

[shidoshi]

The shotting will be tomorrow between EA's and Ubisoft's E3 conferences ...

Wait, are you around for E3 / going to those conferences?

[Emitan]

omg InfiniteNine said she thinks I'll transition well~~~

i don't want to post my face here, though. I feel hideous.

[Platy]

Wait, are you around for E3 / going to those conferences?

I wish ... but no, still in south america.

Just using some time reference that works worldwide and gaf people can understand.

edit :

Photos were interesting ...

and ...

Chu, don't worry...sometimes I want to kill some people on gaf too because of gender and any thread about minorities, but this one here is a gender thread you can count on =D

[shidoshi]

Soooo... I sent a Facebook friend request to one of my longtime friends from back home. He accepted it a few days ago.

A friend request via my "other" Facebook account. A request to a friend that I've not told anything about all of this. A friend request I had no intention of sending, and which I'm not sure how even got sent.

When I first saw that he accepted my friend request, I was like, "That's odd, I'm already friends with him." And then I noticed which account it was on, and was like, "Oh... OOOOOH." *laughs*

Now I'm trying to figure out how to kick off handling this. I've heard nothing from his yet, so (a) he's already figured things out before this, (b) he hasn't actually looked at my Facebook page after accepting the friend request, or (c) he's also not sure how to bring up the topic. *heh*

[Dead Man]

These days, an artist that studys in the same university than me asked if I could be model for a gender related photography session .... She wants to make something along the lines of these two sequences but with feminine and masculine stuff ... The shotting will be tomorrow between EA's and Ubisoft's E3 conferences ... I'm worried .. I LOVE anything gender related... but I hate photos =x If she allows I will post the finished pics ... just not sure if in the recent pics or here xD

Hope that went well, those series are cool as hell.

[Jamie xxoo]

Now I'm trying to figure out how to kick off handling this. I've heard nothing from his yet, so (a) he's already figured things out before this, (b) he hasn't actually looked at my Facebook page after accepting the friend request, or (c) he's also not sure how to bring up the topic. *heh*

This friend is not a gamer I take it? I assumed you were out in general due to this thread and the trans panel you did.

[lexi]

I think shidoshi leads a double life atm -- and disguises it just as poorly as Clark Kent does.

[Emitan]

I think shidoshi leads a double life atm -- and disguises it just as poorly as Clark Kent does.

I was really shocked to find out she's not out at work.

[lexi]

I think at this point people HAVE to have know... Being on a panel discussing transgender stuff? You can't hide that very well.

[Platy]

I think at this point people HAVE to have know... Being on a panel discussing transgender stuff? You can't hide that very well.

You kinda sounded like those people that say that "you must be gay because you support gay rights" .....

[Jintor]

/me shrugs

Work tricky situation, y'know

[shidoshi]

This friend is not a gamer I take it? I assumed you were out in general due to this thread and the trans panel you did.

The friend in question isn't a "go online and read stuff" gamer, but he's on my Xbox Live friend's list, so he's long seen my avatar on there. Plus, he's part of my close circle of friends from back home, and the rest of that group knows (but this guy now also lived in another state). So, I really wouldn't be surprised if he totally knows at this point.

And yeah, my out/not out situation is pretty hilariously weird at this point. I don't really hide the fact, but I'm also not exactly out about the fact in some circles. Like, I have no idea if the people at work know or not. I actually talk/write a lot about all kinds of "diversity in gaming" issues, so it isn't totally strange that I have an interest in the trans topic. Plus, when I told them that I was doing the PAX panel, a few of them were surprised that I'd be asked to be on such a panel. I am now potentially expecting a question or two now that one of my co-workers will have gotten my female Mii via StreetPass on the 3DS. *laughs*

[lexi]

You kinda sounded like those people that say that "you must be gay because you support gay rights" .....

So every other member of that panel was out as trans... I mean, yeah it's a really weird situation, I'm thinking people know but are doing what most would do and are not making a big deal of it.

[Dead Man]

So every other member of that panel was out as trans... I mean, yeah it's a really weird situation, I'm thinking people know but are doing what most would do and are not making a big deal of it.

They did announce her as Shidoshi from GAF if I remember right. Could be wrong though, haven't watched it since the link was posted.

Edit: Sorry to talk about you like you're not here, shidoshi.

[Jintor]

And yeah, my out/not out situation is pretty hilariously weird at this point. I don't really hide the fact, but I'm also not exactly out about the fact in some circles. Like, I have no idea if the people at work know or not. I actually talk/write a lot about all kinds of "diversity in gaming" issues, so it isn't totally strange that I have an interest in the trans topic. Plus, when I told them that I was doing the PAX panel, a few of them were surprised that I'd be asked to be on such a panel. I am now potentially expecting a question or two now that one of my co-workers will have gotten my female Mii via StreetPass on the 3DS. *laughs*

You didn't say anything back at the Namco thing, so I didn't ask. *shrug* I remembered that you write about these issues and stuff, but I wasn't really sure if it translated directly to you as a person. Wasn't my business really.

[Emitan]

You didn't say anything back at the Namco thing, so I didn't ask. *shrug* I remembered that you write about these issues and stuff, but I wasn't really sure if it translated directly to you as a person. Wasn't my business really.

jintor when are you gonna visit me?

come to E4!

[shidoshi]

So every other member of that panel was out as trans... I mean, yeah it's a really weird situation, I'm thinking people know but are doing what most would do and are not making a big deal of it.

If people were actually aware of who was on the panel, Chris Avellone from Obsidian was there as well, and he has no direct connection to the trans issue on a personal level. So I think some people saw the panel as "three trans women, one cross dresser, and two guys".

In other news, I got called a faggot by a lesbian today. It's a rather long story, but basically the straw that broke the camel's back was when I said that Macs could be used in an office setting. *laughs*

[Femmeworth]

If people were actually aware of who was on the panel, Chris Avellone from Obsidian was there as well, and he has no direct connection to the trans issue on a personal level. So I think some people saw the panel as "three trans women, one cross dresser, and two guys". In other news, I got called a faggot by a lesbian today. It's a rather long story, but basically the straw that broke the camel's back was when I said that Macs could be used in an office setting. *laughs*

Oh dear.

[lexi]

I can be pretty forward with the whole 'jesus christ come the fuck out already' thing. Sorry shidoshi.

[shidoshi]

I can be pretty forward with the whole 'jesus christ come the fuck out already' thing. Sorry shidoshi.

Doesn't bother me at all. I know some people would feel very frustrated if they were in my situation, but I have to handle things in the way that I feel is best for my life. For my position, there's a huge divide between "not actively trying to hide it" and "coming out to everyone" that might not be there for other people.

If I ever come in here and bitch about not being out, you have full permission to tell at me! But as of now, I don't think I've complained too much about things like that.t post about my friend above was more about the humor of the situation, and less actual panic over what happened.

[lexi]

Yes I know, I am merely frustrated on your behalf based on how I would feel.

[Emitan]

In other news, I got called a faggot by a lesbian today. It's a rather long story, but basically the straw that broke the camel's back was when I said that Macs could be used in an office setting. *laughs*

:S

What.

[CoryCubed]

So last night I typed this out of frustration to send to all the surgeons and doctors. I realize it won't help but really at this point what do I have to lose? Pretty much my story. Long read, some crazy parts.

Forgive the grammar. I know some of you know how this is and where I am coming from. Hopefully I will have the courage to come back to this thread. PMs welcomed for encouragement, advice. Best wishes for anyone else who has gone through something like this.

Stay tuned for the bottom for a fun fact!

A Cry for Help

To someone with an open heart and open mind:

My name is Corrie . I am a 28 year old male to female transsexual. I am writing today because I am not sure what else to do. I am scared I won’t make it to 30 as the thoughts and emotions are overwhelming me. I hadn’t realized how bad it was until last night when I had to leave work early because of a newspaper article of a girl who transitioned at 18 and was going to college and living out her life. Perfectly passable, certainly attractive. Awesome for her, and I hope that one day I can help others get there. In the meantime, for the first time in my life, I must take care of myself.

Seeing this article was so overwhelming. It brought up so much regret and sadness I could not contain it no longer. Here I’ve lost ten years of my life, some of the best, and I’ll probably lose another ten more just because the hand I’ve been dealt. Plus another 10 for all the stress and suffering.

I was at that point she was 10 years ago, up 28 years ago. Even in 1999 on surveys I always put female. Never really lived a male role. So many times I tried to follow religion, and society but I realized I was only hurting myself clinging on to what others wanted.

I knew I was different. I hated being a boy and I did some bad things, some gross things when I was young. Even at the age of 12 I was trying to castrate myself with fishing line, even up to 17 where I hung myself by my genitals to a clothesline. I have worn panties as long as I can remember just like the regular everyday clothing the are. Snuck them and took a few from Walmart until they had self checkout. Washed clothes in the sink. Simple and weird as it may sound the underwear was the achor to my thoughts until I was able to dress openly now. Feelings manifested and despite the world telling me otherwise I was a girl.

Life was hard growing up. My dad was non existant and my mom had severe schizophrenia. We were poor and did not have much. I ended up having to take care of my mom since after 1996 she took a turn for the worse. DHS placed me with my granny who was 85 at the time. Though she tried her best, I ended up taking care of her into my later teens.

As I grew older and learned more about myself and transition I stopped, but I still have the thoughts to this day. Infections, Gangrene, and Flesh eating bacteria are the only thing holding me back, but even then I think what if. Thoughts that I cannot keep at bay much longer. So many times have I considered getting drunk, mangling myself up in the emergency room and the thought that just maybe I will survive and be rid of these wretched parts. Rationally this to me is ridiculous but the thought of another year like this is unbearable.

I started hormones courtesy of Inhouse Pharmacy back in 2006, though I had dabbled in 2003 as well. I was 22 when I started in 2006. I had just gone through some horrible times. Between 2004-2006 my mom died, my granny who took care of me since I was 12 died, our house burned up, my dog Mickey I had since kindergarten died, my fiancé left, I lost a job, and had to drop out of school. When my fiancé left in 2006 I practically tried to kill myself. (overdosed on pills trying to get my ex to see me). I lost everything.

During the time with my fiancé I struggled with the emotions and dressing on the side. Soon as the relationship was over I hit the hormones, I knew what I had to do. Unfortunately I also went through the worst period of drinking and spending after this. I blew my credit, wrecked a car, and created problems lasting to this day that I don’t think it will be until I am well into my 30s to fix. Life just keeps happening and I don’t know what to do. I save up a $1,000 here something happens, save up a $1,000 there but no matter what something happens. Last it was my teeth, and before that I had to move next to work after my car died.

As of now in ten years I have managed to save up a whopping $1900 for surgery. I currently work for Lowe’s. It is stable but pays the bills and that is about it. I do some internet work but that only tends to range from 10 cents a day to around $10. Typically in between on the lower end.

I also struggle with hairloss still. By the time I turned 20 it was almost too late, I was stage IV. I think I am back to II now but it is still very noticeable and hard to hide unless I wear a headband or sunglasses up. Also a lot of any extra money I have is going to special shampoos that supposedly block testosterone and extracts, and the $150 I blew on a laser comb.

Another issue is my credit. I would love to just borrow the money I need and pay it back, but I filed bankruptcy in December 2011. I was fortunate to have my electrolysis finished but the debt I accumulated during 2007-2011 was just too much. My minimum payments were more than my total income. I was working a near minimum wage job and living off my then awesome credit. I knew it was wrong but I was so depressed from all the bad things that happened and being transsexual that I gave up hope that I would see the next day. Part of me stayed strong though, I maintained the job and coped somewhat. I recovered a little by 2009 but it was too little too late for my finances. I got notices of being sued and threats of garnishment I had no choice but to file bankruptcy.

Having bad social anxiety hasn’t helped. It has caused me to stress eat impacting my finances and health. I don’t have the friends and family network most have. My dad’s in worse shape than I am. He has bad back and is unable to find a job. I fear I will have to take care of him. I live by myself and just don’t make the income I need to save. On the brightside the social anxiety helps steer me away from the adult industry. Though it is tempting for money.

Everyone I know, knows now. I used to work for Hertz, but when I came out there I started getting write-ups and disciplinary action for the most absurd things. I was working Lowe’s part time trying to save . I knew the writing was on the wall at Hertz so I promptly quit, and took this full time position at Lowe’s. I waited to tell them, I could not let what happened at Hertz happen there. Eventually I could not contain it though, and changes to my body were very obvious. I came out to my hr manager, who has been extremely supportive. Most the rest of the store doesn’t seem to care. The only real complaint I had was from one of the girls about my ear piercing.

That said, my day to day work life is miserable. Especially in summer. I see so many women in cute dresses and skirts and I drown myself in jealously and sorrow. Jealous they are so lucky they wear things like that without fear of their own parts, and sorrow that I may never get to fully enjoy those freedoms. I haven’t been able to go swimming since I was 15. Tucking is horrible and only reminds me of what is down there.

I am noticing an attraction to certain men (British) sometimes but feel like a grotesque freak because I know I could get beat up or worse if they saw what I had in my pants if we were intimate. I think if I was still 18 I could bear longer, but the 20s are so necessary for growing and learning about love and sex and I am missing and have missed so much already. Of course I would tell someone first in a safe location, but accidents and spur of the moments can happen too. Primarily though at heart I am lesbian.

I can’t sleep most nights, in fact right now I am typing this because I can’t sleep. The thoughts are overwhelming me. Thoughts I’ve dealt with for thousands of days, each day building on the next to the point I do not see making it past the next. My hopes and dreams are crushed. I have cried so much this years.

That dream. Since I was little. To overcome being different and embrace it. Show the world how strong I have become. To finish college maybe even in genetics. To find someone to love me for who I am. Adopt a child in need. Be a big sister to someone. Help others in my situation. Become the lady I was always meant to be.

Fortunately, with a note from Dr. Dawn Singleton (my counselor), I have been able to get hormones through my work health insurance. I see an endocrinologist (Wynter Kipgen) as well for checkups. This helped a little. I am sure they would have no problem with an official letter for surgery. Unfortunately I do not see Dr. Singleton often since that takes out of my surgery money.

As you have seen, I am in an awful situation. What I was wondering is do you offer any type of aid for someone in my situation? I am so desperate. I am willing to provide any documentation. If there is some way I can work it off like filing or phones, or deskwork, anything I would be willing to help. Can even use me to practice a new technique. If it was as simple as moving in with mommy and daddy or living with a friend I would, but my friends and family network is non existent compared to most.

I am aware of the Thailand option but even that is far away (in more ways than one). Anyway planes scare me and I would rather support our doctors here.

Thank you for your time,

Sincerely,


Corrie

*Fun Fact* My original birth certificate says female.

[Emitan]

I'm not good enough with words to come up with a response to that :/

Good luck with everything

[Dead Man]

All the best, and massive hugs. Stay strong. And life is not over at 30, this 36 year old bastard has a great time out with the boys, and the girls, who are often my age :)

Just don't do anything too crazy without at least venting in here, okay?

[Jamie xxoo]

Hon I think you better edit that post and remove your name from it, so you don't get stalked.

I'm so sorry to hear you've had such a hard run. Don't fret about losing the chance to have experiences - there's nothing you can't do in 10 years that you might feel like you're missing out on now, honestly.

[yeoz]

[redacted]

[Hazaro]

PEACE AND LOVE

[Earthstrike]

I find this song and video to be incredibly powerful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6VJBBUqr1wM

[Platy]

I find this song and video to be incredibly powerful. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6VJBBUqr1wM

It makes it look SO EASY and simple ....

[Emitan]

squicked out when they showed the tools :s

surgery ;~;

[sophora]

I find this song and video to be incredibly powerful. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6VJBBUqr1wM

well that hit me with all sorts of emo

[InfiniteNine]

Another update from our anonymous friend~!

The referral at long last went through. The 6th was an interesting day. Like the day before it, I woke at 6 AM, pulled myself out of bed in a minor panic, worried I’d overslept and was now late for something. I checked the clock and was promptly annoyed and relieved at having the extra time to sleep. After 8 AM passed and I woke once more, my guts began contorting themselves again. I turned to breakfast to distract myself, and this worked for a time. But when my mother returned from town and the return trip began to loom, the blessed internals begin twisting anew. The visit to the clinic itself was a constant stream of tension for me. I filled out the forms the front desk had handed me with my face feeling ever-so flushed, I tried in vain to relax with the book I had brought along with me. I averaged ten words a minute, if even that, and felt like I was a degree or two short of combusting and melting down onto the pages. Once I was filtered through to a staffer, that tension eased ever so slightly. She asked me about what I had written on the paper with regards to my being there (“gender identity issues, acceptance”), I elaborated in the few words I could comfortably utter. I summarized briefly my habits of suppressing gestures, mannerisms, and the way I carried myself, and how I borrowed these things from other people, and how in general I had never really felt like a man. Suicide was understandably brought up, and I responded honestly that attempts had never been a feature of my past, though thoughts did occur now and again. Overall, she was very accommodating and kind, passing on helpful printouts and information within minutes of my being there. She told me that I’d be added to the wait list for a doctor, and that the wait time would usually be no less than a month. She asked if I would be okay in that time, and I responded that I thought I would be. She further advised me to keep my name on the list even if I began to feel stressed about it, to at the very least make it in for one appointment. I wish I’d had more questions I could have raised at the time, but it was nerve-wracking enough to have walked through that clinic’s doors alone, to stew in my fears and apprehensions in that lobby, and to screw up my courage to talk frankly about these things with a person I’d only known for fifteen minutes. To her credit, she did her job well and handled this scared woman admirably. The tension eased off to background levels at that point. I wasn’t jubilant, but my mind was also no longer racing at three times its usual clip and my body was now shedding some of its signs of stress. Intentional or otherwise, an overclocked brain is a tired brain at the end of the day. Since the clinic visit, I’ve mentally vacillated at times. It’s only been a week and some change, but I’ve bounced between various notions and thoughts about this whole waiting process. At times I feel time slowing to a crawl, the prospect of waiting seems so much longer than it would be objectively speaking. At others I just feel overwhelmed and want to call in to have my name taken off the list, to indulge in the proverbial “crawl under my rock” option. But I suppose you could say I’m past the point where I could make that choice and live with it. I remember what the woman in Intake said, the encouragement and the urging of the gals around here, and I do my best to take it all to heart. It all scares and overwhelms me at times, and this is so far removed from my comfort zone that I wouldn’t have thought myself capable of it mere months ago... and frankly, I still find the thought of myself screwing the guts up and walking through those doors again a little incredulous. Speaking of comfort zones, I’ve never laid a single foot inside the office of a psychiatrist, counsellor, or the like. As real-life confidants go, I’ve never trusted another soul with what even approaches a comprehensive life story, and being just how much of that goes unsaid, unexpressed, and hidden outright, it’s no small step for me to sit down and unpackage everything. But it has to be done. For all the insidious doubts and stifling questions, for all the hand tremors and temperature meltdowns, I think I’m finally ready to push through the fear and walk through that door.

[tearsofash]

Hey ya'll. I need your input on something. I found out about this company that is very LBGTQI friendly. I went to Nashville Pride this weekend, and a company called Deloitte has a few locations in my area and are hiring. I was wondering if anyone had heard of them? The guy at the booth said that some of the benefits actually include financial aid for SRS among other things.

Curious if it's legitimate or not. I don't really know a whole lot about these sorts of things.

[alysonwheel]

If it's these people, then they seem to have been pretty LGBT positive lately. Example. They're listed here as providing "transgender-inclusive health insurance benefits".

[tearsofash]

Oh, nice! I will certainly look into this. It's been so long since I've had a job. ;_;

[Instigator]

In this thread, the vast majority of transgender folk are M-to-F (it looks to me like it anyway). Is it the same in the real world? If so, anyone has a reasonable explanation?

[Emitan]

In this thread, the vast majority of transgender folk are M-to-F (it looks to me like it anyway). Is it the same in the real world? If so, anyone has a reasonable explanation?

I think it's actually pretty evenly split. The transgender subreddits I visit have a lot of ftm posters.

[alysonwheel]

Historically there have been more trans women (MtF) than trans men (FtM). It doesn't appear to be the base biologically, though, and now that medical science and society have (somewhat) caught up, the numbers are approaching 1:1.

edit: and Billie's right, hop on tumblr or reddit or even livejournal (god rest its soul) and you'll find trans men and women hanging out together.

[Jamie xxoo]

I had the impression that FTMs mostly utilised real life support groups/meetings, whereas MTFs are more drawn to online groups, that's probably what you're seeing here.

[Emitan]

I want to come out to my mom this week.

I have to do this or else I'll never move forward.

[tearsofash]

Do it! Good luck and be careful/sensitive about what you say though. Best wishes.