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MMaRsu
Banned
(10-30-2010, 12:04 PM)
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fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

i have this big hard piece of shit in my ass, just waiting to pop out. but it won't come out? :(

I'm getting stomach aches, I've drank a cup of tea and gonna do some more as I read that helps. Drinking loads of water too but it just wont come out. I'm on the toilet sitting there and all I'm getting are little farts and small parts of poop.

I even canceled work tomorrow because if I don't shit this out today I'll be feeling even worse tomorrow. I can't buy a colon cleanse or anything cause we dont have that over here.

I'm feeling pretty bad and I've been going to the bathroom like 20 times in the last 24 hours but it just won't come out! Maybe it's too big for the hole? What the fuck if that shit happens?


Not a joke thread and yes I'm embarrassed.
zoukka
Member
(10-30-2010, 12:05 PM)
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Ugh, gotta be happy that I shit teflon.
FOOTE
Member
(10-30-2010, 12:06 PM)
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Try coffee.
GDGF
Soothsayer
(10-30-2010, 12:08 PM)
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Go to the doctor and get that shit yanked if all else fails.
MMaRsu
Banned
(10-30-2010, 12:08 PM)
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Originally Posted by FOOTE

Try coffee.

Don't drink coffee..
FOOTE
Member
(10-30-2010, 12:12 PM)
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Don't drink coffee..

Might want to make an exception if it's really bad. I know that anytime I drink it I'm in the bathroom 15 minutes later.

Have you thought about prunes? I'll never forget the time that I was baby sitting my 7 month old brother, gave him some prunes, and the little dude just about blew his fucking diaper off with shit. They sell these cans of prunes now. Edit-Apparently that's nothing new. I saw a commercial the other day hyping canned prunes in individual wrappers, and they were talking it up pretty hard.
sublime085
Member
(10-30-2010, 12:14 PM)
If you're really desperate you could buy a home enema.
Dabanton
Member
(10-30-2010, 12:16 PM)
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I had this once it went on for 4 days. Luckily it happened over a weekend so i didn't have to leave the house i drank a lot of water.

Each time i tried to go the pain would be too much and i'd have to stop then on the tuesday i decided it was coming out.

So i sat and and got down to business and finally shifted it,my eyes were watering and my ass hurt, the actual shit was huge. :lol

You could also try these if they have them near you

Taiser
Member
(10-30-2010, 12:16 PM)
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sounds like dry shit.

eat something fibery + loads of water
valeo
Member
(10-30-2010, 12:17 PM)
Eat kiwifruit noob

Or just get some laxatives
WorriedCitizen
Member
(10-30-2010, 12:18 PM)
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My cousin used to eat 2-3 spoons of oliv or sunflower oil in such situations. It's disgusting but it will lube your colon.
arstal
Whine Whine FADC Troll
(10-30-2010, 12:20 PM)
Find the cheapest, stankiest ethnic food place (Mexican/Chinese/curry) you can find. You'll counter that with the runs.
Mafro
Member
(10-30-2010, 12:22 PM)
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Get yourself some cranberry juice and eat plenty of fibrey foods.
MMaRsu
Banned
(10-30-2010, 12:24 PM)
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Originally Posted by WorriedCitizen

My cousin used to eat 2-3 spoons of oliv or sunflower oil in such situations. It's disgusting but it will lube your colon.

Hmm never heard about this, does it really work?
Yoboman
Banned
(10-30-2010, 12:25 PM)
Loosen your bum hole with some lube and the thick end of a phillips head screw driver. Then turn.

Works 9 times out of 10
WorriedCitizen
Member
(10-30-2010, 12:27 PM)
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Originally Posted by MMaRsu

Hmm never heard about this, does it really work?

Just found this after google search:

Does Olive oil work like laxative and help in Constipation Pain Relief?

Historically, olive oil has been used as laxative. Moreover, it has been witnessed that most of the oils which are taken in more quantities i.e., more than the normal then they start producing laxative responses. As such it is very effective in relieving the constipation pain.

Some other types of remedies are as follows:

. Lemon and Honey: If you add lemon juice and honey into a glass of warm water and regularly in the morning and at night then you can get rid of constipation at ease.

. Licorice: This component also has laxative qualities. This item would also help you to get rid of your constipation problem quite easily.

. Olive oil and Orange Juice: A glass filled with 50% of olive oil and 50% of orange juice would not taste great but would help you to relieve from the pain of constipation.

MMaRsu
Banned
(10-30-2010, 12:32 PM)
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Originally Posted by WorriedCitizen

Just found this after google search:

Well thanks a lot man! I'll pick up some of these items when I'm going to the store in a bit.. not looking forward to biking though :P

But does the laxatives soften up the poop? I mean if it's a hard turd ( big or not ), would I have problems getting it out you think?
Raiden
prruuwuu
(10-30-2010, 12:33 PM)
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Originally Posted by MMaRsu

Well thanks a lot man! I'll pick up some of these items when I'm going to the store in a bit.. not looking forward to biking though :P

But does the laxatives soften up the poop? I mean if it's a hard turd ( big or not ), would I have problems getting it out you think?

I am just going to say it, because i know you're thinking it, yes your butthole will rip itself open while you're pooping that brick out.
WorriedCitizen
Member
(10-30-2010, 12:41 PM)
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Do you have vaseline or lube in the house? Maybe lube your ass before you squeeze that monster out to avoid a fissure?

Sounds funny i know but it's something that i would consider in such a situation.
DonMigs85
Member
(10-30-2010, 12:45 PM)
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Wolf Brand Chili will blast that right outta there
FOOTE
Member
(10-30-2010, 12:51 PM)
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Originally Posted by DonMigs85

Wolf Brand Chili will blast that right outta there

:lol I'd be afraid that kind of thing would make it worse.
CrankyJay
(10-30-2010, 12:54 PM)
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Amazing how history repeats itself here on GAF. Find your solution(s) here:

http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=402201
ItAintEasyBeinCheesy
it's 4th of July in my asshole
(10-30-2010, 12:57 PM)
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Have you heard about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil
Rad-
Member
(10-30-2010, 01:05 PM)
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Whenever I have a hard shit, I go and buy those sugar free candies. Not only they have a serious laxative effect but they also taste good, unlike most other solutions.
DC R1D3R
(10-30-2010, 01:09 PM)
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Exlax.
numble
Member
(10-30-2010, 01:09 PM)
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Obligatory quote:
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showpost...3&postcount=26

Originally Posted by thomaser

Psshh. That's nothing. I went without crapping for almost three weeks once when I was little, because I thought it was "fun" to "defeat" the urge to crap. Worst idea ever. The end result? A visit to the doctor to lubricate my asshole, over three hours of pushing and straining on the john before anything started showing itself, and then one of my parents had to physically, with hands ineffectually wrapped in toilet-paper, drag the hulking, rock-hard beast out. I KNOW what women go through when they give birth. So, er, the moral should be to eat lots of fiber, drink lots of water, and for the love of all that is good and holy, take a shit when your body wants to.

Tony Rocky Horror
Member
(10-30-2010, 01:12 PM)
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Originally Posted by numble

Obligatory quote:
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showpost...3&postcount=26

:lol

Oh MMaRsu.
teruterubozu
Member
(10-30-2010, 01:13 PM)
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McDonalds - you'll be shitting within an hour.
MMaRsu
Banned
(10-30-2010, 01:17 PM)
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Originally Posted by Banzaiaap

:lol

Oh MMaRsu.

Hey it's not like I did something on purpose my body is just messing up :(
Rad-
Member
(10-30-2010, 01:18 PM)
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Originally Posted by numble

Obligatory quote:
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showpost...3&postcount=26

Holy fuck. :lol The longest I have gone without shitting was 1 week and that was during an army camp (we had a bet who can go the longest without crapping, I won :lol ). When I finally dropped the bombs, it felt like the best feeling ever.
scorcho
testicles on a cold fall morning
(10-30-2010, 01:24 PM)
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http://www.colacecapsules.com/

this worked while i was on percocets - it's a stool softener that should help soften that giant rock in your system.
Dastardly Jerks
dstrdl pls
(10-30-2010, 01:30 PM)
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Don't push too hard though, last thing you want is a perianal haematoma.

Just coming out of one myself. They're uncomfortable as hell.
besiktas1
Member
(10-30-2010, 01:32 PM)
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Drink plenty of water.
NO caffeine or chilly/greasy foods till you give birth to that sucker.
Eat lots of fruit. Fibre is your friend.
Get some stool softeners. (Be careful, lots of bran + stool softeners = BAD diarrhoea)

Don't force out anything, it'll only lead to piles...
jim-jam bongs
most certainly will not be getting forcibly fucked by a gigantic canoe
(10-30-2010, 01:35 PM)
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I feel like the "and" in the title is somewhat redundant
Naked Snake
(10-30-2010, 01:37 PM)
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Try squatting on the toilet seat instead of sitting on it.
Tony Rocky Horror
Member
(10-30-2010, 02:04 PM)
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Originally Posted by MMaRsu

Hey it's not like I did something on purpose my body is just messing up :(

I'm sorry bro, I feel ya.

(well, not literally)
Ecrofirt
Member
(10-30-2010, 02:11 PM)
When I'm constipated, I usually put pressure on my perineum to help move things along.
Anasui Kishibe
Banned
(10-30-2010, 02:13 PM)
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drink coffee, situation is desperate

alternatively, a plunger
Hydranockz
Member
(10-30-2010, 02:17 PM)
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Originally Posted by MMaRsu

Constipated and can't shit?? Reply to Thread

Isn't that generally what being constipated entails? :p

I never like the feeling that my head is about to explode when I push too hard... which is usually when constipated of course :/
Android18a
Member
(10-30-2010, 02:18 PM)
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Rubber glove and some lube. It works for putting stuff IN, so it should work for getting stuff OUT.

I accept no responsibility for what happens next though.
Mareg
Member
(10-30-2010, 02:19 PM)
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Best natural remedy is this

I would also coat my ass hole with Vaseline before drinking this tho. Because once you begin to drink that juice, believe me there is no turning back. YOU WILL poop regardless of the size.
Willectro
Member
(10-30-2010, 02:26 PM)
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Pizza.
waynej506
Member
(10-30-2010, 02:28 PM)
Yeah I'm thinking a Enema is your best bet if it's stuck.
bud
straight
(10-30-2010, 02:32 PM)
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jumping around a lot works for me, though my issues have never been as bad yours
Freedom = $1.05
Akimbo Dogs
(10-30-2010, 02:37 PM)
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Taco bell. Go. Now. You'll be shitting for yourself and your friends within the hour.
big_z
just gonna rub one out
in the next few minutes
(10-30-2010, 02:38 PM)
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I'm feeling pretty bad and I've been going to the bathroom like 20 times in the last 24 hours but it just won't come out! Maybe it's too big for the hole? What the fuck if that shit happens?

the hole will stretch. people can two fists in their asshole and im sure you dont have that much poop.


buy this for instant relief and the ride of your life.
Dennis
Member
(10-30-2010, 02:42 PM)
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Originally Posted by jim-jam bongs

I feel like the "and" in the title is somewhat redundant

Originally Posted by Hydranockz

Isn't that generally what being constipated entails? :p

Stop harassing the poor guy over grammar - HE CAN'T POOP FOR CHRIST SAKES!
bill0527
um, I'll be right back
(10-30-2010, 02:44 PM)
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iNvid02
Member
(10-30-2010, 02:46 PM)
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laxatives

and in the future don't neglect fiber
SuperŅ
Banned
(10-30-2010, 02:50 PM)
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Don't forget to tell us when you shit that brick. Also, take a photo.

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