(03-31-2005, 03:49 PM)
IREM's life-changingly awesome 4/1 update that is totally untrue #1
The following information is for amusement purposes only and is in no way true.
GAF has a ban on posting April Fools' Day jokes. But what about companies who just like to have fun and be silly one day a year? Nobody's trying to fool anybody, here. We're just trying to be awesome, in the true, forgotten spirit of the day.
As promised/threatened, I am posting this in its own thread as the official AFD joke thread is not up yet. I will also mirror the files locally as Irem's site is being hammered.
EDIT: Thanks to duckroll for putting together this mirror. If IREM's site is too slow, give it a try. duckroll says, "if Jack gets the banstick, I'm going down with him!" What a guy!
Irem is making their own console, the EXIDNA!
It's April 1st, and Irem's traditional humorous and in no way deceitful yearly story is up. This year, everyone's favorite plucky Japanese developer has decided to enter the challenging but exciting world of hardware development!
Irem has identified four key market segments, and designed four versions of their console to match:
First, the XAVY, for hardcore gamers.
The 22 mm thin XAVY has a built in high-resolution, high-contrast projector to satisfy hardcore gamers. The slim, wireless controller has built in voice recognition and unfolds with four easy-to-push wheels. Price is 19,800 yen.
Next, the O-MARU, for casual gamers.
Designed to appeal to casual gamers, this riding swan doubles as a powerful gaming console. With a built in LCD screen, a mouthful of USE expansion ports, and a handy storage bin in the butt, this is the console for the whole family. Price is 17,850 yen.
The oft untapped female market is served by the COMPACT.
This stylish number uses an eyeshadow applicator in place of the traditional stylus. The size is kept small thanks to innovative "outside loading," where the media is not actually inside the compact but perhaps on a nearby table. Price is 12,800 yen.
Finally, elderly gamers can look forward to gaming on the STICK.
With a fold-out 7-inch widescreen LCD, easy-grip handle, and full-body support, this system is perfect for the silver-haired gamer. It even doubles as an umbrella on rainy days! Price is 24,500 yen.
The specs of the EXIDNA are quite impressive:
CPU: Custom Designed "METAL ERNGY" Processor 886 PHz
Graphic Chip: GEO KUN FORCE MX 8503/128PB
Main Memory: 476 TB
Drive: Optical 0.98x speed DVD-ROM
Network: Bluestool compatible
Memory Media: Memo Stick Duo compatible (DRM enabled)
These specs compare favorably with "expected next generation offerings" from mystery companies S, M, and N.
A variety of innovative peripherals include various colored buttons, a comfy cushion, a triple-wide Bydo monitor, a sake decanter controller, a time machine controller, and a pair of not-so-powerful gardening gloves.
Oh, and a body pillow controller.
Soft, cute, and machine-washable! In case, you know.
A hardware launch is nothing without games, and IREM has some hot titles lined up.
- A comedy game involving Bambi and trucks. Genre: Italian Upper-Kyoto Laughing Action. Supports the comfy cushion.
- Zettai Zetsumei Yokochou (Disaster Alley). Genre: "Intoxicated Survival Action." Supports the sake controller.
(NOTE: I will translate this tomorrow, it is a game where you have to guide a drunken salaryman safely through the seediest hostess bars Tokyo has to offer.)
- R-Type Final 2. Genre: Action Shooting RPG. Supports the Bydo monitor, of course.
- Super Epic Innovative RPG (tentative title). Genre: TBD.
- Space-Time Firefighters Sakurazaka. Genre: Historical Teamwork Action.
- Hare Dokidoki Suikoden. A dating game with 108 girls! 4,800 yen, but the Limited Edition is $480,000. Why not read the creator's blog?
- Aya Tori (Cat's Cradle). Genre: Cat's Cradle Puzzle Action. 7800 yen, but the string-only version is a 5-yen bargain. Supports "Aya Tori."
Each of the games has its own page with gameplay details, screenshots, etc.
With such a killer hardware/software combination, it's no surprise third parties are lining up to show their support. Patisserie Chez Bydo, Sakurazaka Corporation, Spelunker Ramen, FORIS Haircutters. A veritable who's who of soon-to-be-famous developers, I'm sure you'll agree.
Well, there you have it. The amount of content in this update is absolutely staggering, even by IREM's traditionaly insane standards for the holiday. If this thread is left open, I'll spend some of my freetime tomorrow translating details about the different game software (or whatever else people are interested in - let me know!). If it's locked and I'm banned, well, at least I went out telling you about the single goddamn best update in the history of the holiday.
But seriously, people. This isn't a "joke." This is art.
Last edited by JackFrost2012; 03-31-2005 at 05:53 PM.
(03-31-2005, 03:57 PM)
minna ni naisho dayo
(03-31-2005, 04:03 PM)
Who wants to bet R-Type Final 2 turns out not to be a joke?
BTW -- no way in hell you're getting banned for this. This rocks!! Are their older AFJs still online?
(03-31-2005, 04:08 PM)
IREM 4/1 Update Historical Archive
- 4/1/2000: Traditional Japanese sweets made of FORCE.
- 4/1/2001: The first appearance of Doki Doki Suikoden. Don't miss the character introductions!
- 4/1/2002: Zettai Zetsumei Toshi crowbars. Available in sets of 12 for the discriminating pugilist.
- 4/1/2003: The R-9 spacecraft. For serious R-Type fans only.
- 4/1/2003: Irem Burger! motto happy, motto smile, motto emotion.
(03-31-2005, 04:13 PM)
the suikoden dating sim is pretty funny. but the r type final 2 boxart makes me sad. r type doesn't deserve to go out on a mediocre game like final. if they have to kill the series off, at least give it a final installment the fans can live with.
irem's gags are pretty great, though. the r type final "ura" page was hilarious. as was the introduction of the consumer model r9. i wonder if those pages are still up.
(03-31-2005, 04:54 PM)
Translation of some of the more arcane statistics, then off to bed.
N: Voice and Camera
M: Fingerprinting and Padlock
S: Combination Lock and Password
EXIDNA: DNA Verification and Surrounded by 3 Security Guards
EXIDNA: Fine even if 100 people get on it
N: 100 km/h
M: 160 km/h
S: 180 km/h
EXIDNA: 12,800 km/h
N: Uses 20% Recycled Somura
M: Emissions Cut by 45%
S: 30% Reused Parts
EXIDNA: 34% Recycled Paper, 66% Recycled PET Bottles
(03-31-2005, 05:36 PM)
Okay, last update before I'm off to bed, really. The Hare Dokidoki Suikoden artist's blog has a "works" page which includes not only the original Dokidoki Suikoden, but Dokidoki Sangokushi and Dokidoki Saiyuki. :lol She also made an Environmental Awareness Pamphlet for the imaginary city government in Zettai Zetsumei Toshi 2 and a Sakurazaka Fire Safety Campaign poster.
This is better than we deserve!
is beloved, despite what anyone might say
(03-31-2005, 05:42 PM)
Wow, one of the most impressive April Fools jokes I've ever seen... I can always appreciate a long, thought out joke like this... And that one little portable for the ladies actually looks kinda cool.
(03-31-2005, 05:54 PM)
For your edification, the contents of the k-rad elite Doki Doki Suikoden limited edition:
- 356 character pillowcases
- Poster of all the heroines (two meters by fifteen meters)
- Original animation DVD
- Three-volume character and setting material collection
- Two life-size character figures
- Two life-size character puppets
- 10 figure bottlecaps
- School uniform (XL size)
- School uniform (1/6 scale doll size)
- Doki Doki Desk Calendar (covering 10 years)
- Dress-up hair scrunchie worn by the alien chick from Planet Hyzel
- The theme song, in sheet-music form
Delivered in a custom-made steel box, 2.4×1.5×0.6 meters.
Last edited by WarPig; 03-31-2005 at 06:06 PM.
(03-31-2005, 05:58 PM)
Originally Posted by JohnTV:
It sounds like a REAL "nexgen" Leisure suit Larry, and not that MagnaCumLaude crock of shit.
(03-31-2005, 06:13 PM)
Irem is my new favorite company, bring the exidna!
(04-01-2005, 08:21 AM)
First, some context. "Hostess bars" are places where middle-aged men frustrated with their marriages go to hang out with attractive young girls who pour them drinks, sing karaoke with them, make small talk, and listen to their problems. Though sex appeal is a big part of the draw, all but the seediest bars are "above the level." It's less prostitution, and more sexy-companionship-for-hire.
Hostesses have to be friendly enough that customers have a great time and want to come back, but are of course forbidden to enter into relationships with customers outside of the bar (most do anyways).
Hostess bars are notoriously expensive, as customers must not only pay an outrageous per-hour fee, but buy their girl drinks, too. It's not at all uncommon for customers to develop a favorite girl who they ask for by name (for an extra charge), or to start giving their favorite girl small gifts.
Okay! That said, I present a translation of... ZETTAI ZETSUMEI YOKOCHOU!
Zettai Zetsumei Yokochou (Desperate Alleyways)
Tomisaka Electric Game Machine Development
Title......... Zettai Zetsumei Yokochou (Desperate Alleyways)
Publisher......... Tomisaka Electric Game Machine Development
Genre.........Intoxicated Survival Action
Number of Players.........One
Supported Peripherals.........Sake Decanter Controller
MSRP.........4,000 yen and up for two hours (tax/service separate)
Escape from the pleasure quarter! A new innovation in Survival Action.
The streets at night are full of dangers. Players must watch the alcoholic main character's "Drunkenness Gauge," "Cash on Hand," and "Credit Card Balance," while avoiding strange bars and touts, the constant rush of people, and being led astray by the invitations of the beautiful butterflies of the night.
Girl: Just whiskey or fruity drinks for me, please! o/~
Response: Sure thing! / No way! / Let me think about it.
Stages include Shinjuku 2-chome, Susukino, and Janjan Yokochou!
After not drinking for a while, for some reason the main character starts feeling bad and his coordination becomes slowed. Escape from these nighttime streets while continuing to drink moderately. Run out of cash on hand, and you can earn money by "Washing Dishes" or "Touting"...but every bar has its own problems and disputes to get wrapped up in, and there's always the danger of falling into debtor's hell...
Cash on Hand: -12,800 yen.
Girl: Right now is Service Time! Only 4,000 yen for two hours!
A moment's decision could be fatal. Sure to give you a feeling of total desperation!
Through your decisions, you can gradually become closer to one of the bar's girls, but some people might want to leave things up to the bar. You can also get involved with other drunk customers...and these backstreets are full of countless youngsters lying in wait to prey on middle-aged men. It's likely that your judgment and movement will become impaired as your Drunkeness Gauge fluctuates. Can you evade the numerous dangers and safely escape from these alleyways?!
Man: Whatever! Bring me your best bubbly!
Last edited by JackFrost2012; 04-01-2005 at 10:07 AM.
(04-04-2005, 08:22 PM)
my favorite so far is a HL reference:
Ha ha ha ha ha!
OMG, and this! http://www.irem.co.jp/contents/galle..._04/index.html
That's humor, folks.
Last edited by RaymondCarver; 04-04-2005 at 08:27 PM.