So I’m waiting for Sonic Generations to come out. In this game, Sonic has a new shitty friend, Modern Sonic. GAF told me to play one of Modern Sonic’s games, Sonic Colors, because apparently it was super awesome. Apparently not. That game sucks. I don’t like the boost gameplay at all (Sonic Adventure 2 Sonic/Shadow stages are MUCH better), and the 2D segments felt HORRIBLE with the physics I was forced to play with.
“There is no way Sonic 06 could be worse than this.”
SwiftSketcher said:
qq more said:
Kusagari said:
THE MARVELOUS ADVENTURES OF ANTHONY AND MIKE ROSS: SONIC 06 EDITION
The following are notes I have taken while playing the game for the first time:
-So I pop this fucker in. I’m greeted by a Final Fantasy cutscene. Why are there humans in a Sonic game? Why does Robotnik look like this?
I don’t know if my body is ready.
HUB WORLD:
-So I’m dropped in the most bland, grey, lifeless hub world I’ve ever seen in my fucking life. It looks like this is one of those games were you speak to NPC’s and they tell you random shit that doesn’t help you at all.
-“EY.”
-Next, I notice the physics feel fucking weird. Your momentum comes to a dead stop after a homing attack. Your top running speed is fucking slooooooooooooow. The physics they used in Sonic Adventure 2 for Sonic were so good, what happened? The game was rushed? Well... more on that later.
-Why does the music in this town sound like the Star Wars theme song? The resemblance is pretty damn clear. Did they not have enough time to compose new music for this game or something?
-So I finally find Tails.
ahahahahaahahaha. Yeah, IT BEGINS. I feel like I should have done a lets play of this game, because I found myself thinking outloud during loading screens in an attempt to keep my sanity in tact. Now, I have my DS at my side while playing the game. During loading times alone, I finished an entire dungeon in Minish Cap. Maybe that's why they're in the game? To give people a chance to multi task? I'm pretty sure I could enjoy a full meal during these loading times. Can't say the same for any other game.
-After randomly wandering around the town speaking to people who tell me nothing of any worth, I find some guy who triggers a mission. Run and jump through rings. Joy. I get to experience the shitty physics full force. Now I get the light dash and can enter the first stage.
This hub world is fucking USELESS. I just don't understand. If this game was made on such a tight schedule, why not scrap it from the game entirely? Nothing of value is lost! But hey, fuck me. Loading times and aimless wandering is the shit.
Beach Level:
-So I finally enter a regular stage. And honestly, it's not that bad. I'm starting to get used to the shitty physics. And then I run off a loop de loop. I swear to GOD I was running right down the middle, he just swerved off and died. Now I'm tapping the control stick, trying to keep this fucker under control. Just made it.
-Bouncing off springs feels so weird in this game.
-Okay, now I'm Tails. As expected, he controls weird as fuck. His attack is... throwing fake rings at your opponent. Really? That was the best they could come up with? That's totally not confusing, when an enemy hits you and the screen is full of fake and real rings all over the god damn place. Couldn’t he have used his, you know, TAILS to attack his opponents?
Oh, and the worst part. You know the noise of losing rings? The noise we’ve all hated for 20 years? That just happens to be the noise Tails makes when he attacks. It makes me cringe every time.
-Well, I’ve saved the whales. Now, I get to play the first of many “Mach Speed” stages. In case you haven’t experienced this, imagine permanently hitting the boost button in Sonic Colors. Except you can’t stop. Or slow down. Or homing attack. OR MAKE CONTACT WITH ANY SINGLE THING. When you get hit by something, Sonic continues to be propelled forward at a fast speed. This usually results in you crashing into a wall. And dying.
And dying.
And dying.
So I lost all my lives. I guess I’ll just try ag… what’s this? 0%? The OPENING CUTSCENE? Ah, I see the concept of AUTO SAVING was foreign to the development team. Hey, fuck me!
I promised GAF I’d play through this game. So I did it all again. But it was painful. Cutscenes are skippable, LOADING TIMES AREN'T.
HUB WORLD (AGAIN):
-So I’ve returned to the Hub World. And this is the point where I realized, without a shadow of a doubt “Wow, they did NOT test this game. At ALL. Not even ONCE.” What I experienced was truly unbelievable, and by the end of it, I was rolling on the floor laughing at just how ridiculous it was. Just what have I gotten myself into?
I stumbled upon a young boy who triggered a mission. He told me to find his dog. Sure, whatever. Loading screen. “Find Pele, the Beloved Dog.” I was already laughing. Then, Sonic 06 went Sonic 06 on my ass. It stopped loading, and I was returned to the screen as it appeared prior to the loading screen. Except now, the kid was pointing to where his dog was. This lasted for 0.5 seconds. THEN ANOTHER LOADING SCREEN CAME UP. I think it’s safe to say I lost my mind at that point, because I was laughing uncontrollably. It was probably the worst thing I’ve ever seen in a video game. Here's a video in case you think I'm joking. By the end of all the loading, I had completely forgotten where the fuck he pointed, and quit the mission. Sonic 06, ladies and gentlemen.
Desert Level:
-The boss fight wasn’t too bad. But man, I was tripping balls at the “holding Elise” stage. I walked onto the sand and died. I fell through it. It’s sand. I thought I could walk on sand. SILLY ME. Apparently, I need to use Elise’s special power to walk on sand. I’ll say it again (although I don’t know why), IS THAT REALLY THE BEST THEY COULD COME UP WITH? At the VERY least, make it a water stage, and make it so Sonic has to walk on water using her powers… or something. Sand? Sweet Jesus.
-How the hell does he homing attack while holding a girl in his arms?
SILVER BATTLE:
Oh yes. Possibly the greatest boss battle of all time. The impression I got before the battle even started only proves my point.
NOW LOADING NOW LOADING NOW LOADING NOW LOADING NOW LOADING NOW LOADING NOW LOADING NOW LOADING blah iblis trigger NOW LOADING NOW LOADING NOW LOADING NOW LOADING NOW LOADING NOW LOADING NOW LOADING NOW LOADING
-So 10 minutes later the boss battle starts. The second I grab a ring, he gravity squeezes me. “IT’S NO USE! TAKE THIS!” These words will be engrained into my head for the rest of time. Before I even have the chance to pick up my lost ring, he grabs me again and kills me.
Now I am certain. THEY DIDN’T TEST THIS GAME. NOT EVEN ONCE.
-How do I beat this guy? I can’t move! Do I need to plug the controller into the second controller port or something? Colonel?! Naomi? Mei Ling?
I finally managed to beat him by running around a lot, or something, but GOD DAMN did it take me a while.
-The puzzle where I need to find the Italian guard is so damn stupid. Especially considering I had to do it twice since there’s NO AUTO SAVING. STOP WASTING MY DAMN TIME. SO MANY LOADING SCREENS AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
-I make my way to the warehouse. Why is Flashman’s music playing from Megaman 2? First Star Wars, now this? They stole music because they didn’t have time to make their own, I’m convinced. This is fucking BLATANT.
Snow Level:
-These snowboard controls are fucking terribad. Again, they manage to screw something up that worked semi-good in a previous game. City Escape in SA2 anyone? Those controls were fine. What happened? Why do I keep hitting trees?
-Oh great, a giant snowball. But it’s not the snow ball I’m afraid of, it’s the fact that the camera is now in front of Sonic, and I don’t have a god damn clue where I’m going. Just crashing into random shit that pops up. Dying.
-The other segment of the stage was fine. See? When the game isn’t loading, or I’m not fighting a boss that doesn’t let you breathe, or I’m not in the hub world, or I’m not holding Elise, or I’m not playing as Tails, or I’m not running non stop at 9001 km/h where touching anything kills you, this game isn’t half bad!
City Level:
Oh look. It’s Shadow. And Rouge. My favorite characters.
-I’m back on the snowboard. For fucks sakes. At least this isn’t as bad as crashing into trees every 2 seconds.
LOADING
-Okay, back on my feet. This isn’t bad. Like I said above, the regular Sonic stages play pretty much like Sonic/Shadow stages from Sonic Adventure 2. That’s what I like. Despite the fact that homing attack feels fucking weird, I can live with this.
LOADING
-Now I’m on, like, debris. Jumping around. Standard platforming. This sounds like filler, but I feel it’s necessary to note every part of this game that doesn’t make me want to punch someone in the face.
LOADING
-OH JOY, ANOTHER MACH SPEED STAGE. I MISSED YOU MAN. This isn’t as bad as the beach one… until the camera changes perspectives to in front of Sonic. Now I’m traveling at an ungodly speed, AND I CAN’T SEE WHAT THE FUCK IS IN FRONT OF ME. It also doesn’t help that the camera changes almost instantaneously, so if I’m holding right (towards the center of the track) and the change occurs, I’m now going off a cliff.
I managed to finish this by fluke. Not sure how, but I did. Just how many more of these mach speed stages are there? There can’t that many, can there? ; _ ;
Volcano Stage:
So far, this was the best stage in the game. No gimmicks, no mach speed segments and only one loading screen in the middle of the stage!
Oh shit. There's Knuckles.
Well, as expected, they broke what was already fine (SA2 Knuckles). However, he's not too bad. Definitely easier to control than Tails. And it was just a short segment (lighting up all the purple orbs at once, thanks Yami Yugi).
Yup, best stage so far.
woah why am I fighting Lavos already
Back to the HUB world:
I'm now speaking to Antonio. He is a spirit of one of the three legendary musketeers. Looks like an old guy to me. Nonetheless, I need to find someone who's fast, someone who's strong, and someone who can fly. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
-HOLY FUCK THESE LOADING TIMES. Remember Pele the Beloved Dog? Multiply that by 5. LOADING the old man says 1 sentence LOADING finish stage in 45 seconds LOADING old man says 1 sentence LOADING rinse and repeat 4 fucking times.
-So I just got the bounce. Cool, I always liked that move in SA2. Only one problem... YOU'RE LOCKED INTO PLACE WHEN YOU USE IT. Once again, fucking up shit from Adventure 2. Unreal.
Train Stage:
-Again, this isn't too bad. Having to prevent the train from crashing is kinda dumb, but it's basically a timer. Just had to pick it up a little. And hope to Christ I don't homing attack/glitch off a ledge. Luckily for me, I didn't.
-HOLY FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK THIS IS FAST. Another Mach Speed segment. I hit the jump button and flew 4 kilometres forward. Good god man.
Believe it or not, I beat it on the first try. So, so far, that's been the best mach speed segment. No running into shit, no random camera switches, just PURE SPEED. I've played Sonic Colors, I could deal with that.
So I just finished Sonic's story. A couple of things to note:
I've been thinking... I may be avoiding all these bottomless pits and glitches because I'm coming off of playing REmake for the first time. That game requires you to take your damn time and be very cautious with everything you do. Also, it has TONS of loading times, and if you die, they send your ass back to the last time you saved at the typewriter, which is usually quite far back.
Should I be approaching a Sonic game the same way I approach a god damn survival horror game? Fuck no. But that's Sonic 06 for ya.
-Probably the most frustrating part of the game for me so far was the challenges. Once again, solidifying the fact that they did not test this game even once before burning it to discs and sending it to stores.
The portal challenge was one of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen. I had, and still have, no idea what happened during that stage. I just kept jumping through portals until I beat the stage. At least every portal didn't have a loading time when you jump through it.
Next was the no rings challenge. I happened to die on this one. BAD IDEA. LOADING LOADING LOADING next is the no rings challenge LOADING LOADING LOADING good luck sonic it's not easy LOADING LOADING LOADING LOADING 45 seconds of gameplay, I die LOADING LOADING LOADING see? I told you it wasn't easy! LOADING LOADING LOADING want to try the no rings challenge again? LOADING LOADING LOADING good luck sonic it isn't easy LOADIFUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
I was ready to throw my controller out the god damn window. But luckily, I beat it the next try.
Then was... the love challenge? What in the name of fuck was that all about? Either I save Elise or Amy, and since I'm not a fan of the whole interspecies undertone of the game, I went with Amy-chan. Moving along...
-The stage with lots of bottomless pits had lots of bottomless pits. Quite annoying. Then, I take control of Silver. Oh, the horror! Well, I have to say, it wasn't too bad. But it was only a segment of a stage. I'm not looking forward to Silver's story...
Top it all off with a mach speed segment. Of course! If I died, I would have had to play through that entire, long god damn stage again. So I beat it on my second try
-I liked the final stage. Aquatic lab, was it? Pretty fun, even the Tails and Knuckles segments weren't too bad. By this point of the game, I've mastered all three character's shitty controls. I got this.
The final boss was the white ranger's Megazord from Power Rangers:
Pretty easy boss.
what followed was one of the most hilariously bad cut scenes I've ever seen:
You get in that ass, Sonic...
Finally, the credits. I have no idea how this came to mind to the dev team. "Remember that awesome song that played during the ending to Sonic 2? Let's remix that for this game. Someone call Akon." The fuck? It seems so inappropriate. First of all, it totally sticks out in a soundtrack full of shitty pop rock. Next, of all the games to grab a song from Sonic 2, it's this one? Probably the Sonic game furthest detached from the series' roots on the Genesis. I would have expected something like this during the credits of Sonic "4" or Generations, to be honest. Did half of the game's budget go to Akon? How did they record it in time?
And then they decide to ruin the song from the title screen. I actually liked that tune... without lyrics. It sounded awful.
And so, that ends my adventure... or does it? I've finished Sonic's segment of the game, and I wish I could put this game down. But no. There are two more hedgehogs left. Shadow and Silver await. Look forward to it... now
Will I feel the same after Shadow and Silver's story? Lets find out!
Snow Stage:
-Shadow doesn't feel too bad after one stage. His homing attack is kinda weird. He's like... spazzing out when you spam a. And why is his running animation so ass? That was the best thing about him in Sonic Adventure 2!
-OH SHIT TITS. Don't tell me I have to find chaos emeralds...
-Apparently not. Was that supposed to be a stealth section? Breezed through it in 5 seconds. Now I'm Shadow again.
- "It's a request from the president." -Shadow the Hedgehog
-Now I just destroyed all the search lights with homing attack. Nothing is happening. Yami Yugi keeps telling me I have to use missiles, so I'm guessing I have to use these comically bad looking vehicles to shoot missiles? Well, not only can I not get into these things, but they don't even seem to be solid objects. I'm walking through one right now. After a few minutes of trying everything, it turns out you need to jump onto the car (not as easy as it sounds, remember what game physics I'm playing with here), and press Y. Blew some shit up, and I'm done the first Shadow stage.
Not too bad, so far.
-Ah, recycled boss battles. Considering I just played Skyward Sword, this doesn't bother me as much as it probably should.
NOW LOADING
1 second clip of boss dying
NOW LOADING
5 second rank screen
NOW LOADING
oh loading screens, how I've missed you. And speaking of loading screens, we've returned to Soleanna. For a second, I thought Shadow and Silver's stories wouldn't force me to explore this place again. ugh.
------
And that's how far I am right now. You have the lack of auto saving (and school) to thank for that. I'll be posting my progress in this thread... and starting Shadow and Silver's shit when I'm done with Sonic.
I bet you think I hate this game right now. Well, you aren't so far off. The physics are bad, the mach speed stages are an abomination, the loading times are the most hysterical thing I've ever seen in a video game. This game would have greatly benefited from a few more months of development time.
Having said that... there's something about this game. I'm not sure what it is. Charm? Maybe that's the word. Maybe not. For some reason, I still want to play this game. I want to finish the whole thing. I want to see just how far the rabbit hole goes. I get a sense of excitement while playing. Between the loading times and losing progress, this game is... fun. And to be honest, well...
I can't say the same thing about Sonic Unleashed, or Colors.
