[mooooose]

So, okay. In June, me and my ex girlfriend had a huge fight. We had been together for 5 years and we were each others first loves. I took her out on a date and was mad that she didn't get really dressed up for the date and ended up berating her VERY badly (I ended up calling her a fucking twat while she sat there in dismay, she is a very quiet person and I am loud and curse often). Her parents found out through her neighbors hearing this (and my apology and explanation that her getting dressed up was her showing me how much she cared, and I was insecure and doubting that). Her parents encouraged, then forced her to break up with me.

Her parents, and she, felt I was being emotionally abusive. Well after research it turns out... I was. I was being emotionally abusive and I have severe issues with depression. I did realize how badly I was hurting her. So I checked myself into therapy and have been going ever since (and making great progress).

Well, her parents didn't have much faith in me. I should preface that, as far as I could tell, I always had a very good relationship with her family and while her and I had fights in the past, nothing that they would EVER feel they should be involved in. Anyway, her parents told her it was time to move on and that I was never welcome in their house again, she was not to talk to me, be friends with me, etc.

Her parents, and I guess her own curiosity promoted her to make an OKCupid account. At the same time... I texted her for the first time in over a month. It was great. I made her laugh, she said she wishes we could go to the beach, she expressed she was confused but how much she missed me and wishes things would be back to normal.

Anyway, a week later we talk on and off... then she drops the bomb. She went on a date off OKCupid. I was surprised. I encouraged her to do it, because we had never been in other relationships and now was an opportunity to put our love to the test. I was surprised she did it so quickly. 5 years... and she moves on in two months? And out of the two of us, she was the one who would always say "I can't even look at other guys, I legitimately only have eyes for you" among many other things. Then she went on three more dates with him and another with another guy. I wanted to know... I asked her how they went, when she was going, and she was honest and told me.

Anyway, it became too hard. She started tagging the guys in posts on facebook and things like that... I couldn't bear to watch. She told me to date other girls, and I told her I would when I felt ready. She said it made her feel guilty. I said I was hoping that we could remain friends and that if the time ever came hopefully we could make it work... but the whole time I just wanted a relationship still. And she was so confused. She said that she doesn't even know what is going on and she feels like she is living someone else's life and that while she enjoy's this guy's company she is just very confused.

At this point, it hit me. It's over. Five years and she STILL has my heart, but I have no choice. I left a voicemail explaining that I'd be blocking her from facebook. She said that her psychiatrist the same day had said "We can not be friends, it is unhealthy for both of us". And I said goodbye. I deleted every text, every picture, contact, email, and blocked her. But I still miss her. I don't have many friends and she was my best and closest friend. I still love talking to her. We didn't have much in common but our chemistry was exceptional, we talked for two hours on Tuesday.

I have no idea where to go from here. I know I have to move on but I just can't. She was literally every family member I had, my love, my best friend all in one. I'm trying to fill those roles with many people, and even myself... because I know I relied on her so much and I was very insecure about her staying in my life, and that drove her away... My insecurities. Therapy is helping. But now it feels hopeless. I was going, in part, with her strength. The idea of a renewed and happy relationship. Ideally, I would be the one to make her happy. I had planned on proposing to her in a year, saving up for a ring now. This is all so crazy.

How do I move on? Is it even worth keeping the chance in the back of my mind? When should I reopen contact? I want to already. But I know she can't and won't answer.

And why do I have no interest in other girls? Like I signed up for OKCupid and every girl looks ugly on the inside or outside. I don't have many friends or a flourish social life (outside of her, and we did EVERYTHING together), so I have no chance of meeting anyone. And no desire. She was an amazing person for so many reasons.

I just don't think I'll ever move on.

[MThanded]

So, okay. In June, me and my ex girlfriend had a huge fight. We had been together for 5 years and we were each others first loves. I took her out on a date and was mad that she didn't get really dressed up for the date and ended up berating her VERY badly (I ended up calling her a fucking twat while she sat there in dismay, she is a very quiet person and I am loud and curse often). Her parents found out through her neighbors hearing this (and my apology and explanation that her getting dressed up was her showing me how much she cared, and I was insecure and doubting that). Her parents encouraged, then forced her to break up with me.

No matter if her parents were involved or not you pretty much fucked up right here man. Unnecessary. I haven't read the rest of the post yet but this is a bad start.

Edit: reading on now

[Count Dookkake]

Continue with therapy.

Don't be her "friend," because that's not what you really want.

Be nice to other women.

Move on. First love is not meant to last.

[Riggs]

You called your gf a twat for not dressing up ... This isn't a good start.

[MThanded]

Anyway, a week later we talk on and off... then she drops the bomb. She went on a date off OKCupid. I was surprised. I encouraged her to do it, because we had never been in other relationships and now was an opportunity to put our love to the test. I was surprised she did it so quickly. 5 years... and she moves on in two months? And out of the two of us, she was the one who would always say "I can't even look at other guys, I legitimately only have eyes for you" among many other things. Then she went on three more dates with him and another with another guy. I wanted to know... I asked her how they went, when she was going, and she was honest and told me.

Strike 2

[mooooose]

No matter if her parents were involved or not you pretty much fucked up right here man. Unnecessary. I haven't read the rest of the post yet but this is a bad start.

She forgave me too much but I realized my huge mistake and have been going to therapy to handle my insecurities and depression since. It's my only explanation for any of this and since then I have never used a word close to it towards anyone.

It was the second time in 5 years I had done something that horrible, but I did many passive things (judging her friends, not answering texts for no real reason, encouraging her to do things I wanted to do, etc.) A lot of manipulation.

You called your gf a twat for not dressing up ... This isn't a good start.

It is inexcusable, but in my defense at least, it escalated to that point. I did not outright call her a twat.

[Devolution]

Shits already fucked, just being real here. Regardless of how you changed she might harbor some deep wounds from how you treated her. You're better off starting fresh with a new woman and what you've learned.

[ChiTownBuffalo]

I don't like the premise of this teen rom com at all.

[Diablohead]

wow.

[Hoo-doo]

It's right there when you're ready.

[MThanded]

At this point, it hit me. It's over. Five years and she STILL has my heart, but I have no choice. I left a voicemail explaining that I'd be blocking her from facebook. She said that her psychiatrist the same day had said "We can not be friends, it is unhealthy for both of us". And I said goodbye. I deleted every text, every picture, contact, email, and blocked her. But I still miss her. I don't have many friends and she was my best and closest friend. I still love talking to her. We didn't have much in common but our chemistry was exceptional, we talked for two hours on Tuesday.

Were you in a co-dependent relationship? What's going on here. Was there other abuse going on or something?

[OpinionatedCyborg]

lol you were both codependent messes, with you being the worse of the two. you now have an opportunity to rebuild yourself into a person who isn't a clingy, abusive, asshole. it's a great opportunity for the both of you. keep going to therapy and try to focus on improving yourself and things will eventually get better. also, you sound really obsessive. hopefully therapy will help you deal with that. she's is eternally gone, which will be better for the both of you.

[sphinx]

Shits already fucked, just being real here. Regardless of how you changed she might harbor some deep wounds from how you treated her. You're better off starting fresh with a new woman and what you've learned.

yep, move on.

[Solideliquid]

Go for a walk in the park, get a dog, smile when people cross your path. Try some new food, some new wine. Travel somewhere you've never been. Breathe. Let time go by. It will be ok. You'll meet someone else. Keep with therapy, work on yourself, better yourself for your next relationship and learn from your mistakes.

[Riggs]

lol you were both codependent messes, with you being the worse of the two. you now have an opportunity to rebuild yourself into a person who isn't a clingy, abusive, asshole. it's a great opportunity for the both of you. keep going to therapy and try to focus on improving yourself and things will eventually get better. also, you sound really obsessive. hopefully therapy will help you deal with that. she's is eternally gone, which will be better for the both of you.

Seems about right.

[Daydream Sequence]

So, okay. In June, me and my ex girlfriend had a huge fight. We had been together for 5 years and we were each others first loves. I took her out on a date and was mad that she didn't get really dressed up for the date and ended up berating her VERY badly (I ended up calling her a fucking twat while she sat there in dismay, she is a very quiet person and I am loud and curse often). Her parents found out through her neighbors hearing this (and my apology and explanation that her getting dressed up was her showing me how much she cared, and I was insecure and doubting that). Her parents encouraged, then forced her to break up with me. Her parents, and she, felt I was being emotionally abusive.

Yep, you shouldn't be with anyone until you get that shit on lockdown. No one deserves to be talked to the way you did to her. Therapy is a good place to start. Good luck. She's better off without someone that speaks to her that way, so in that you can take some solace.

[Log4Girlz]

Go to therapy, move on. Maybe one day many years from now you can be friends, but make sure never to contact her again. If a friendship is in the cards, it should be her contacting you.

You abused the relationship, you took it for granted. She will move on, she will be with other men. The best you can hope for is a friendship a few years down the line.

Next time, don't take a woman for granted.

[evilromero]

Shit happens and people say stuff they regret. I feel like it's custom nowadays to just bail out at any sign of friction or struggle. What happened to taking time, possibly a short separation, and working through stuff? Hell, if you love her then you grab yourself by the nuts and just be a better man. You learn from past mistakes and vow not to make them again. But if you really love this girl then you make it work. Shit's not a hollywood movie. Crappy crap will happen most definitely. You can't run from it or your problems. Here, have a cookie.

[Mackenzie 92]

Sounds like you were a dick, but at least you admit and realize it now.

But yeah, not much to add, you realize you have a broken heart and it's over. You'll start feeling better in a while, might take you a full year or so to get over her, but start dating and meeting new people and it will happen. There are literally millions upon millions of girls out there and even though you can't see it right now, they are just as great and attractive as the girl you're in love with.

You'll be fine, and keep working on the asshole and depression stuff.

[Nerds with Guns]

It's right there when you're ready.

I wanted to say this soooo bad. Dammit Hoo-doo.

[MThanded]

She forgave me too much but I realized my huge mistake and have been going to therapy to handle my insecurities and depression since. It's my only explanation for any of this and since then I have never used a word close to it towards anyone. It was the second time in 5 years I had done something that horrible, but I did many passive things (judging her friends, not answering texts for no real reason, encouraging her to do things I wanted to do, etc.) A lot of manipulation. It is inexcusable, but in my defense at least, it escalated to that point. I did not outright call her a twat.

err ok. Yeah just let it go. It was a mistake escalation or not. You said she was quiet and you aren't. So I doubt she was baiting you.

[Solideliquid]

I wanted to say this soooo bad. Dammit Hoo-doo.

What's going on with your girl from the other thread?

[alphaNoid]

Time will take care of things for you. So what you do is occupy your time.

[Log4Girlz]

Also, for both of your sakes, stay out of her life OP. Let her heal.

[SalsaShark]

cant even fathom the idea of calling my girlfriend a "fucking twat"


and for not dressing up?

get your shit together and move on, but be sure to get your "anger issues" treated first.

[mooooose]

cant even fathom the idea of calling my girlfriend a "fucking twat" and for not dressing up? get your shit together and move on, but be sure to get your "anger issues" treated first.

Me either. The words meant nothing to me. They flowed out like a river without weight. It was bizzare.

[Nerds with Guns]

What's going on with your girl from the other thread?

Nothing much it's just been a week.

[echoshifting]

Therapy is helping. But now it feels hopeless. I was going, in part, with her strength. The idea of a renewed and happy relationship. Ideally, I would be the one to make her happy.

Has your therapist been encouraging this goal? Because I agree with her psychiatrist. You guys are no good for each other anymore. That's not gonna change.

Make sure you are completely open and forthcoming with your therapist about your goals in general and especially in coming to therapy, because...

I had planned on proposing to her in a year, saving up for a ring now. This is all so crazy.

...yes, this is crazy. You were saving for a ring while you guys were broken up? Am I reading that right? No decent therapist would have encouraged the pursuit of this goal. Be at least as open with your therapist as you are with gaf.

When should I reopen contact?

Never. Never ever ever ever.

And why do I have no interest in other girls? Like I signed up for OKCupid and every girl looks ugly on the inside or outside. I don't have many friends or a flourish social life (outside of her, and we did EVERYTHING together), so I have no chance of meeting anyone. And no desire. She was an amazing person for so many reasons.

You need to give it time and practice. Try going out on a date, even if it doesn't sound like fun. You might surprise yourself...if not, keep practicing. It seems like you are shutting yourself down before you even make it out of the gate. You may or may not be ready, though. Consult your therapist. Keep going!

I have no idea where to go from here. I know I have to move on but I just can't. She was literally every family member I had, my love, my best friend all in one. I'm trying to fill those roles with many people, and even myself... because I know I relied on her so much and I was very insecure about her staying in my life, and that drove her away... My insecurities.

I would probably not spend so much time trying to fill the gaps she left with others...you need to learn that you alone are worth living for. You are not half a person with gaps that need to be occupied for you to live a good life. Your life is worth living without her or anyone, and there is value in it which does not rely on the emotional involvement of others. It's okay to be sad about what happened, of course. Nobody can tell you how to feel. But it is going to get better with time.

[CrushDance]

Advice: You're going to be a wreck for months to come. Start running, it helps. I can't imagine though 5+ years? That's way too much time to ever forget.

[xxracerxx]

It is inexcusable, but in my defense at least, it escalated to that point. I did not outright call her a twat.

Escalated only because it sounds like you took a huge offense to her not dressing up to your standards for the evening. No defense here really.

[mooooose]

Has your therapist been encouraging this goal? Because I agree with her psychiatrist. You guys are no good for each other anymore. That's not gonna change.

My therapist has encouraged any goal but self growth and said to just go with whatever happens naturally between us.

...yes, this is crazy. You were saving for a ring while you guys were broken up? Am I reading that right?

No, but before this I was planning on it.

Escalated only because it sounds like you took a huge offense to her not dressing up to your standards for the evening. No defense here really.

I wanted to see the twinkle in her eye that I saw when I had taken her there the week before. Instead she came out in a paint stained hoodie and I felt like an idiot. I was disappointed that it didn't mean as much to her as it did to me. I obviously took it too far but it wasn't as superficial of a situation as it may seem.

[Hoo-doo]

You did good cutting yourself off from her. Don't follow her online, don't ask her friends what she's up to, don't get in contact.

Stuff like that will only end up hurting you.

[FrostuTheNinja]

Yeah, the whole twat thing is pretty evident that the relationship was over.

I'm just confused by the whole "her shrink told her not to be friends with me" jazz. That sounds completely unethical, as a psychiatrists job is to let people come to realizations, not flat out tell them things to do.

Weird...

Edit: I also understand the fact that they can give advice and say things like, "well that doesnt sound like a healthy situation". Is it that she decided she didn't want to be with you and was using the psychiatrist for deflection?

[Hero_of_the_Day]

Shits already fucked, just being real here. Regardless of how you changed she might harbor some deep wounds from how you treated her. You're better off starting fresh with a new woman and what you've learned.

This. Just keep doing what you're doing therapy wise. I'd move on from the girl completely, as in be done with her (I know easier said then done). Take what you've learned and put it into your next relationship, which I wouldn't actively seek out just wait for a girl to come around. In then end you'll have a better/healthier relationship with whoever you end up with 'cause you won't be building up from the shit start you'd have getting back together with this girl now.

[MC Safety]

Simple answer, without commentary or criticism:

You go forward, not back.

[Riggs]

OP you sound like a good guy, I hope you find someone good. Seems like you are sorry for the hurtful things you said.

[OpinionatedCyborg]

I would probably not spend so much time trying to fill the gaps she left with others...you need to learn that you alone are worth living for. You are not half a person with gaps that need to be occupied for you to live a good life. Your life is worth living without her or anyone, and there is value in it which does not rely on the emotional involvement of others. It's okay to be sad about what happened, of course. Nobody can tell you how to feel. But it is going to get better with time.

Yeah, this is pretty much spot on.

[xxracerxx]

I wanted to see the twinkle in her eye that I saw when I had taken her there the week before. Instead she came out in a paint stained hoodie and I felt like an idiot. I was disappointed that it didn't mean as much to her as it did to me. I obviously took it too far but it wasn't as superficial of a situation as it may seem.

Seems mighty superficial to me, on your part. You have unrealistic expectations for this girl, I mean to see the "twinkle in her eye" at the same restaurant just a week later is crazy.

[Tron 2.0]

Shit happens and people say stuff they regret. I feel like it's custom nowadays to just bail out at any sign of friction or struggle. What happened to taking time, possibly a short separation, and working through stuff? Hell, if you love her then you grab yourself by the nuts and just be a better man. You learn from past mistakes and vow not to make them again. But if you really love this girl then you make it work. Shit's not a hollywood movie. Crappy crap will happen most definitely. You can't run from it or your problems. Here, have a cookie.

Congratulations, you've handed out the worst advice possible.

Boyfriend being emotionally abusive? "Gurl, stop trying to cut and run. Shit happens."

No, fuck that.

You're right that mooooose needs to get his shit together, but his ex needs to stay as far away from him as possible. Forever.

[Wafflecakes]

I wanted to see the twinkle in her eye that I saw when I had taken her there the week before. Instead she came out in a paint stained hoodie and I felt like an idiot. I was disappointed that it didn't mean as much to her as it did to me. I obviously took it too far but it wasn't as superficial of a situation as it may seem.

From an outside perspective....unless THIS attitude changes (not your overreaction but the attitude that led to it in the first place) you are probably always going to have problems with relationships. No relationship can ever work when those in it have this attitude and t seems to me you are defending it.

[echoshifting]

I'm just confused by the whole "her shrink told her not to be friends with me" jazz. That sounds completely unethical, as a psychiatrists job is to let people come to realizations, not flat out tell them things to do. Weird...

I imagine the girlfriend was deflecting blame from her own decisions which came out of the meeting. Makes sense given the way he has treated her in the past. Once burned, twice shy.

Anyway, it's not unethical to advise a patient to stay away from someone who has been, by his own admission, emotionally abusive and manipulative in the past, especially if she gets the sense that he does not have a handle on his issues. Who knows what we aren't hearing, here? The girl is clearly ready to move on one way or another, so it's not like it matters.

[GrayFoxPL]

Girls move on fast. Ok, maybe not every one, mine did, yours did.

I did not, never found another love and something like 12 years passed.

But I learned to enjoy small things in life. Lack of gf sucks hard but on the other hand I don't miss the stress of having a gf. A lot less gray hairs.
Focus on some hobby man.

[mooooose]

Seems mighty superficial to me, on your part. You have unrealistic expectations for this girl, I mean to see the "twinkle in her eye" at the same restaurant just a week later is crazy.

It is crazy. Which is why I'm going to therapy. It's crazy to expect that from anyone. And I no longer will, nor have I since.

It's not superficial. It was a shitty rationale and way of thinking. And I will defend that forever. I was and am not thinking in a positive way and couldn't treat anyone correctly because of it. Every bit of that meant a lot more to me that superficiality.

[FrostuTheNinja]

I imagine the girlfriend was deflecting blame from her own decisions which came out of the meeting. Makes sense given the way he has treated her in the past. Once burned, twice shy. Anyway, it's not unethical to advise a patient to stay away from someone who has been, by his own admission, emotionally abusive and manipulative in the past, especially if she gets the sense that he does not have a handle on his issues. Who knows what we aren't hearing, here? The girl is clearly ready to move on one way or another, so it's not like it matters.

I added an edit to my original post. :) But the only instances that I've heard of doctors saying things flat out are usually when they feel their patient is in immediate danger.

[plasticpassion]

Your first relationship? Consider it a learning experience and move on.

Also, stop being an asshole to someone you love.

[mooooose]

Nevermind

[Wafflecakes]

I guess I should also say, she had a lot of issues as well. She had deep rooted depression from before I met her, very few friends, always looked for my approval (even when she wanted to hang out with her friends, and I NEVER cared), a lot of jealousy issues (she had me stop hanging out with my best friend because she thought we were in love, and has had me delete people off facebook), has encouraged me to transfer to her college so she wouldn't be alone, etc.

Really not helpful.

By bringing it up it comes off as not taking responsibility got your actions. Every relationship has issues. The relationship is over now. What she did is irrelevant. Its about how YOU can change to make future relationships better.

[Tacitus_]

Get some mates and hit the bottle hard. Repeat as necessary.
It either cures your heartbreak or gives you a humongous hangover so you don't care about the heartbreak.

[xxracerxx]

I guess I should also say, she had a lot of issues as well. She had deep rooted depression from before I met her, very few friends, always looked for my approval (even when she wanted to hang out with her friends, and I NEVER cared), a lot of jealousy issues (she had me stop hanging out with my best friend because she thought we were in love, and has had me delete people off facebook), has encouraged me to transfer to her college so she wouldn't be alone, etc.

You two should never, ever, get back together.

[mooooose]

Really not helpful. By bringing it up it comes off as not taking responsibility got your actions. Every relationship has issues. The relationship is over now. What she did is irrelevant. Its about how YOU can change to make future relationships better.

I was taking all the responsibility and these are things SHE brought up and my therapist asked me about. I'm just bringing them up now so everyone can have the full image in mind, that we both had our manipulative issues.