[PumpkinPie]

Hijacking a little here, but is there a chance that people might never be able to move on after things like this? I was seeing a girl, and as people we were completely different, but I just felt like she was everything I wasn't and together we were a whole. She was my best friend... but I left her six years ago, and I haven't dated since then. I knew all long I fucked it up, and I suppose being forever stuck in the past like this is my punishment.

[commedieu]

It doesn't help but know that probably 9 people out of 10 have felt or will feel like you do now, theres nothing wrong with hurting for a while. When I split up with an ex of four years I felt crushed, made so much worse by trying to be friends and seeing her moving on, I was being pathetic and far too soft, things got a lot easier when I basically told her to fuck off and started building a new life myself. Anyway that was 6 years or so ago now I'm married with a kid and couldn't be happier. Having said all that the only advice I can give is just fully cut her off, mess around, make some mistakes if you need to and just learn to be happy with your own company Good luck

^^^^ this.

I was in a 2 year, fucked up... took about 9 months to finally get back out there. Took a little while to get interested in the opposite sex. Just wasn't mentally there. Hung out with friends, made new ones, and enjoyed me.

You have to stay active though OP. Don't fucking get sucked into a bottle. Take yoga classes and at least enjoy the sights. Workout, anything. You know what I mean? Don't let it stagnate you.


Stay the fuck away from facebook. You know its going to piss you off to look, so dont.

[Devolution]

If you don't mind me asking, but how is your relationship with him now?

We're civil. We talk. We were able to hang out afterwards. Still had a bunch of his stuff which I needed to give to him so he'd come visit and I'd drop him and his stuff off at his new place. It was very awkward at first but we text each other now and then to see how the other is doing. I broke it off initially (but we both agreed on what our problems were) so there is still a bit of bitterness on his end but we still care for each other.

[Onion_Relish]

I know the feel bro, even after I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 1/2 years it took over a year to realise how bad I felt and how much I missed her. I have a new gf now which I am much happier with, but this shit is never easy... Time heals all wounds, never forget that.

[Charmicarmicat]

My relationship of 9 years ended at the beginning of this year, and I know its a total cliche, but it does get easier. She was my best friend as well and it was hard, but now I barely even think about her. Just hang out with your friends and put some effort into an interest or hobby you have, keep your mind busy and things will get better.

[Mammoth Jones]

^^^^ this. I was in a 2 year, fucked up... took about 9 months to finally get back out there. Took a little while to get interested in the opposite sex. Just wasn't mentally there. Hung out with friends, made new ones, and enjoyed me. You have to stay active though OP. Don't fucking get sucked into a bottle. Take yoga classes and at least enjoy the sights. Workout, anything. You know what I mean? Don't let it stagnate you. Stay the fuck away from facebook. You know its going to piss you off to look, so dont.

Everything said in this post is 100% raw truth.

Stay. Away. Facebook.

What I did when I hit those shitty times in between relationships? Well personally I'd go on a gaming binge and catch up on all the shit I couldn't play because I was spending time and money on her. Then I'd usually try to pick up or continue another hobby. It's always good to expand your skillset. Just take time doing you. Don't dwell on her. But definitely learn from this. You're 20 man, don't stress too much and please don't do anything drastic. There are people in this world (*waves hand*) that give a shit about you. Just relax, breath and move on.

Friends with ex's are a tricky thing. The only way I can do it is after cutting all ties and then meeting up down the road once we've both moved on and are in steady, stable relationships.

[24FrameDaVinci]

Called your gf of 5 years a "fucking twat"? Wow, you must be a fucking nightmare of a human to share a life with.

[En Ex]

Called your gf of 5 years a "fucking twat"? Wow, you must be a fucking nightmare of a human to share a life with.

Did you read the rest of the OP?

[nVidiot_Whore]

Focus on what you can learn from the relationship.. focus on self improvement. Improve your education, career, social status, etc.

Nothing else you can do really. Happiness is success, and happy people tend to attract other happy people. If you aren't getting it from yourself than you are setting yourself up for failure.

[24FrameDaVinci]

Did you read the rest of the OP?

I did, and while it's nice he's making progress at therapy, hurling insults at his s/o and attributing his behavior to his own depression seems like a cop out to me.

[Tence]

Hijacking a little here, but is there a chance that people might never be able to move on after things like this? I was seeing a girl, and as people we were completely different, but I just felt like she was everything I wasn't and together we were a whole. She was my best friend... but I left her six years ago, and I haven't dated since then. I knew all long I fucked it up, and I suppose being forever stuck in the past like this is my punishment.

I seriously doubt that people can't move on. 'The one' is a totally untrue concept. I believe there are a lot of people you are really compatible with. I once had a relationship that ended and I was devastated for 2 years...and then when I least expected it I met a girl so much better...ffwd..I'm married for five years now.

For some it happens sooner, for some later but chances are pretty good you'll meet a new one. And if you don't it is not because of punishment... or faith.. or shit like that.

Let go of the idea that meeting that one love is some magical fairytale one time in a life deal. It's not.

[mooooose]

I did, and while it's nice he's making progress at therapy, hurling insults at his s/o and attributing his behavior to his own depression seems like a cop out to me.

If the shoe fits I'll wear it. It all makes sense. I'll still admit it was inexcusable and I was incredibly hurtful but my reasons (and reasons for my reasons) were deep rooted and I'm learning about myself through a lot of self reflection.

[En Ex]

I did, and while it's nice he's making progress at therapy, hurling insults at his s/o and attributing his behavior to his own depression seems like a cop out to me.

True.

I think I was more focused on the fact that he started therapy, which is a step in right direction.

[Devolution]

I did, and while it's nice he's making progress at therapy, hurling insults at his s/o and attributing his behavior to his own depression seems like a cop out to me.

He can't take them back but he can make sure history doesn't repeat itself in future relationships.

[Manmademan]

Continue with therapy. Don't be her "friend," because that's not what you really want. Be nice to other women. Move on. First love is not meant to last.

yup. You fucked up. learn from your mistake and treat the next one (IF there's a next one) better.

[Riggs]

yup. You fucked up. learn from your mistake and treat the next one (IF there's a next one) better.

He's 20, there will never be a next one. Ever. Forever ever. Cmon gaf lol.

[Surface of Me]

He's 20, there will never be a next one. Ever. Forever ever. Cmon gaf lol.

The other day, one of my friends said "If I ever get a girlfriend..." and I had to stop him because it just sounded so sad and naive.

[Riggs]

The other day, one of my friends said "If I ever get a girlfriend..." and I had to stop him because it just sounded so sad and naive.

Damn lol, I mean I have self image issues. But if my dumb ass can get girls, anyone can. Poor guy.

[worldrevolution]

Was an interesting thread to read since the op seemed sincere in fixing his shortcomings..then I got to the part with his age, threw my hands up, and stopped reading. Seriously.. nothing you've done in your life even counts yet at that age (assuming you don't have a kid). You won't even remember her in a year provided you don't hole yourself up in your house playing WoW all day.

[Az987]

I had a similar thing. I'm not going to go into details but it was bad, she broke up with me. We were both pretty much insane. We started dating when I was 18 and she was 16, first loves and all that stuff.

When we were good it was amazing, when we were bad it was horrible.

I had police called on me because I kicked her car and she told them I was suicidal. I'll never forget opening my front door to a cop who looked like he was a modern day Barney Fife pointing a bean bag shotgun at my head.

When it ended I was pretty devastated but it was 5 years ago and I see that we were like mixing fire and gasoline.

Some people just aren't good for each other.

It'll take sometime but you'll get over it.

[PumpkinPie]

Someone told me "you'll never love anyone like your first GF", is that true?

[Devolution]

Someone told me "you'll never love anyone like your first GF", is that true?

Sounds like bullshit. You won't forget them but come on.

[Mammoth Jones]

Someone told me "you'll never love anyone like your first GF", is that true?

It's always different. That doesn't mean it's better or worse. The first woman I ever loved was my mother. (Shut up, GAF! Ew...not like that.....*sigh*) Doesn't mean she is the bar I measure every one I love by.

[PumpkinPie]

Sounds like bullshit. You won't forget them but come on.

Sounds like bullshit, or it is bullshit? You don't sound like you're talking from experience (no offence).

[Devolution]

Sounds like bullshit, or it is bullshit? You don't sound like you're talking from experience (no offence).

No offense but I've had a first love. Get in the attitude that no one will live it to your first, see how far that gets you or how fair that is to people you get into relationships with.

[goldenpp72]

As hard as it might be to do, let her go forever, learn from the mistakes you made (and not forgetting any she may have made of course), focus on some hobbies and social interactions, once you feel stable and ready find a new girl. We've mostly made that stupid mistake in a relationship, but honestly, fighting over how she didn't dress super fancy or whatever is a really bad character flaw on your end, even if I sort of get where you're coming from.

[Cubsfan23]

work on yourself, or you'll always be attached to things and miserable.

[abuC]

Someone told me "you'll never love anyone like your first GF", is that true?

That's nonsense for me at least.

[PumpkinPie]

see how far that gets you or how fair that is to people you get into relationships with.

Yeah, I know it's unfair. I went out on a couple of dates after my ex and didn't really feel anything towards them, so I know it's unfair to them to be thinking like that, but I also thought it wouldn't be fair on them to see them again. Maybe I would've grown to like them, or maybe I wouldn't and it would've only served to get their hopes up and hurt them more when I eventually tell them I don't like them. It's a dilemma.

[chizmiz]

Sounds like bullshit, or it is bullshit? You don't sound like you're talking from experience (no offence).

My first serious relationship lasted nine intense months. I'm 27 now. I can at least count three relationships that are to me INFINITELY more important than my first. I think Devo knows what she's talking about, but I'll remind you of one thing: YOU don't have experience yet. Which is good. You'll be fine. Your heart needed breaking. It will happen again. And you'll live great things.

[Mammoth Jones]

Sounds like bullshit, or it is bullshit? You don't sound like you're talking from experience (no offence).

It *IS* bullshit. 20 is crazy young....do you really think you've explored the full depth of love from a relationship that was started when you were 15?

I'm shocked it lasted that long. People grow up, grow apart and become completely different people. No way was I the same person I was when I was 15 compared to 20. Or 25. Or 30.

This is a part of growing. Take time to learn from it and go forward...better things await.

[goldenpp72]

Yeah, I know it's unfair. I went out on a couple of dates after my ex and didn't really feel anything towards them, so I know it's unfair to them to be thinking like that, but I also thought it wouldn't be fair on them to see them again. Maybe I would've grown to like them, or maybe I wouldn't and it would've only served to get their hopes up and hurt them more when I eventually tell them I don't like them. It's a dilemma.

You have to understand when you're comparing first dates to people you may have known for months or even years, the level of attachment can't be the same that quickly unless some miracle connection occurs. This isn't to say everyone can compete or beat the emotions you had for your first, you won't forget them, but you first need to let go of the hang up of the person you loved before you can first give a new person a chance, and then you of course need to give the relationship time to flourish (or fail legitimately).

[Xeke]

Enjoy the single life for a while. It's been just over a year for me and while no sex sucks, it is pretty awesome to be single sometimes(plus you can get a one night stand now and then). Don't rush into anything. This may be just me but I am annoyed by people who feel they need to be in a relationship at all times and will go through 2 or 3 in a year just to be with somebody.

[carfo]

So, okay. In June, me and my ex girlfriend had a huge fight. We had been together for 5 years and we were each others first loves. I took her out on a date and was mad that she didn't get really dressed up for the date and ended up berating her VERY badly (I ended up calling her a fucking twat while she sat there in dismay, she is a very quiet person and I am loud and curse often). Her parents found out through her neighbors hearing this (and my apology and explanation that her getting dressed up was her showing me how much she cared, and I was insecure and doubting that). Her parents encouraged, then forced her to break up with me. Her parents, and she, felt I was being emotionally abusive. Well after research it turns out... I was. I was being emotionally abusive and I have severe issues with depression. I did realize how badly I was hurting her. So I checked myself into therapy and have been going ever since (and making great progress). Well, her parents didn't have much faith in me. I should preface that, as far as I could tell, I always had a very good relationship with her family and while her and I had fights in the past, nothing that they would EVER feel they should be involved in. Anyway, her parents told her it was time to move on and that I was never welcome in their house again, she was not to talk to me, be friends with me, etc. Her parents, and I guess her own curiosity promoted her to make an OKCupid account. At the same time... I texted her for the first time in over a month. It was great. I made her laugh, she said she wishes we could go to the beach, she expressed she was confused but how much she missed me and wishes things would be back to normal. Anyway, a week later we talk on and off... then she drops the bomb. She went on a date off OKCupid. I was surprised. I encouraged her to do it, because we had never been in other relationships and now was an opportunity to put our love to the test. I was surprised she did it so quickly. 5 years... and she moves on in two months? And out of the two of us, she was the one who would always say "I can't even look at other guys, I legitimately only have eyes for you" among many other things. Then she went on three more dates with him and another with another guy. I wanted to know... I asked her how they went, when she was going, and she was honest and told me. Anyway, it became too hard. She started tagging the guys in posts on facebook and things like that... I couldn't bear to watch. She told me to date other girls, and I told her I would when I felt ready. She said it made her feel guilty. I said I was hoping that we could remain friends and that if the time ever came hopefully we could make it work... but the whole time I just wanted a relationship still. And she was so confused. She said that she doesn't even know what is going on and she feels like she is living someone else's life and that while she enjoy's this guy's company she is just very confused. At this point, it hit me. It's over. Five years and she STILL has my heart, but I have no choice. I left a voicemail explaining that I'd be blocking her from facebook. She said that her psychiatrist the same day had said "We can not be friends, it is unhealthy for both of us". And I said goodbye. I deleted every text, every picture, contact, email, and blocked her. But I still miss her. I don't have many friends and she was my best and closest friend. I still love talking to her. We didn't have much in common but our chemistry was exceptional, we talked for two hours on Tuesday. I have no idea where to go from here. I know I have to move on but I just can't. She was literally every family member I had, my love, my best friend all in one. I'm trying to fill those roles with many people, and even myself... because I know I relied on her so much and I was very insecure about her staying in my life, and that drove her away... My insecurities. Therapy is helping. But now it feels hopeless. I was going, in part, with her strength. The idea of a renewed and happy relationship. Ideally, I would be the one to make her happy. I had planned on proposing to her in a year, saving up for a ring now. This is all so crazy. How do I move on? Is it even worth keeping the chance in the back of my mind? When should I reopen contact? I want to already. But I know she can't and won't answer. And why do I have no interest in other girls? Like I signed up for OKCupid and every girl looks ugly on the inside or outside. I don't have many friends or a flourish social life (outside of her, and we did EVERYTHING together), so I have no chance of meeting anyone. And no desire. She was an amazing person for so many reasons. I just don't think I'll ever move on.

Stay out of relationships for a little while. Go out with friends and have fun, see what happens.

[Devolution]

It *IS* bullshit. 20 is crazy young....do you really think you've explored the full depth of love from a relationship that was started when you were 15? I'm shocked it lasted that long. People grow up, grow apart and become completely different people. No way was I the same person I was when I was 15 compared to 20. Or 25. Or 30. This is a part of growing. Take time to learn from it and go forward...better things await.

Mine was 16-24. We definitely we're not the same people as when we hooked up. That's not necessarily a bad thing but a relationship is work, the more you grow apart or change, the more you have to account for that and keep some similar interests and acknowledge it. Sometimes you grow apart in ways that can't be rectified. Still it's better to call it quits than stay in a relationship under some naive idea that "they're the one" or "it's been so long I have to keep it going."

There's scores of people to experience parts of your life with. Maybe there will never be one that lasts past a certain number of years. I think I could deal with that. I don't regret my first relationship, without it I wouldn't have experience and knowledge nor my current relationship. I think we truly underestimate our own capacities to move on and love others. Sometimes things don't work out and it really sucks, especially if you thought at some point you'd be with that person for much longer but you can't keep yourself down. I hate that immature #YOLO term for doing stupid shit but in some ways it's not off, you can spend your time regretting your previous relationships and letting that drama and bullshit sabotage your next ones or just learn from your mistakes and carry on.

Life's too short to stay focused on the idea that your first was your true and only. It certainly wasn't for me nor him. I'd rather us both be happy with other people than keep up a charade that we plain don't have to in this day and age.

[Ramblin]

Disney Land?

[Xeke]

Mine was 16-24. We definitely we're not the same people as when we hooked up. That's not necessarily a bad thing but a relationship is work, the more you grow apart or change, the more you have to account for that and keep some similar interests and acknowledge it. Sometimes you grow apart in ways that can't be rectified. Still it's better to call it quits than stay in a relationship under some naive idea that "they're the one" or "it's been so long I have to keep it going." There's scores of people to experience parts of your life with. Maybe there will never be one that lasts past a certain number of years. I think I could deal with that. I don't regret my first relationship, without it I wouldn't have experience and knowledge nor my current relationship. I think we truly underestimate our own capacities to move on and love others. Sometimes things don't work out and it really sucks, especially if you thought at some point you'd be with that person for much longer but you can't keep yourself down. I hate that immature #YOLO term for doing stupid shit but in some ways it's not off, you can spend your time regretting your previous relationships and letting that drama and bullshit sabotage your next ones or just learn from your mistakes and carry on. Life's too short to stay focused on the idea that your first was your true and only. It certainly wasn't for me nor him. I'd rather us both be happy with other people than keep up a charade that we plain don't have to in this day and age.

+1

That's all I got.

[POWERSPHERE]

Big lessons get learnt, which youll look back on fondly in a few years.

[Riggs]

Mine was 16-24. We definitely we're not the same people as when we hooked up. That's not necessarily a bad thing but a relationship is work, the more you grow apart or change, the more you have to account for that and keep some similar interests and acknowledge it. Sometimes you grow apart in ways that can't be rectified. Still it's better to call it quits than stay in a relationship under some naive idea that "they're the one" or "it's been so long I have to keep it going." There's scores of people to experience parts of your life with. Maybe there will never be one that lasts past a certain number of years. I think I could deal with that. I don't regret my first relationship, without it I wouldn't have experience and knowledge nor my current relationship. I think we truly underestimate our own capacities to move on and love others. Sometimes things don't work out and it really sucks, especially if you thought at some point you'd be with that person for much longer but you can't keep yourself down. I hate that immature #YOLO term for doing stupid shit but in some ways it's not off, you can spend your time regretting your previous relationships and letting that drama and bullshit sabotage your next ones or just learn from your mistakes and carry on. Life's too short to stay focused on the idea that your first was your true and only. It certainly wasn't for me nor him. I'd rather us both be happy with other people than keep up a charade that we plain don't have to in this day and age.

excellent post

[Erudite]

Keep yourself occupied and move forward. Learn from your mistakes.

Easier said than done, especially when the wound is fresh. But once you get over that hump, you'll feel like a new person. I sure do after finally recovering from my first breakup.

[Vivalaraza]

You made some big mistakes OP.

At least it seems like you already know where you went wrong and you're already trying to fix it.

Good start. Keep it up, won't be easy.

[bill0527]

A therapist told me recently that I should take a walk until I find myself.

Well I've walked 86 miles so far this month according to my Nano, and I'm still fucking lost.

Not sure why I posted this for the OP, but maybe it'll help. Hasn't worked for me though.

[Liu Kang Baking A Pie]

Everyone has these big fuckups and breakups. You're not alone and this isn't a special, unique case. It has happened to almost everyone, and we have all made it through it, and most of us are in a better place now.

Move on. Move on. Move on. I know that seems impossible, but it's just what you have to keep telling yourself and you have to do it.

[AHA-Lambda]

I'm sorry to hear that OP, really am. I've been going through some shit lately too with my recent ex.

I ditched a 21st party 2 nights ago because I knew she would be at it; I knew just seeing her again would just upset me. But apparently she wants some space away from me too so it seemed I wasn't welcomed at this party anyway.

At this point, I don't think she wants to speak to me, even though at first she said she was happy for us to be friends. I really just want to speak with her one last time, if she'll let me, so that I can say goodbye to her. I feel like she has already let me go, now I need to too; I just want to tell her that first.

PS: for the sake of background I am 21 and this was my first love and first real long-term relationship. For her it was her 5th relationship but she said I was her first love and the longest relationship she's had, it was 15 months so nowhere near as long as you OP. She told me she just didn't feel the same way anymore for some reason and so that was it and it ended. I still miss her badly :(

I feel like at this time I need my friends, but I fear they are sick of me whining about all this though =/
It's been 3 months since the break up and I've not got much better really.

Also for the love of god keep away from twitter and facebook. I stupidly looked on facebook today and saw photos of her at that party I mentioned. I just broke down seeing her on my screen ;_;

[bill0527]

Everyone has these big fuckups and breakups. You're not alone and this isn't a special, unique case. It has happened to almost everyone, and we have all made it through it, and most of us are in a better place now. Move on. Move on. Move on. I know that seems impossible, but it's just what you have to keep telling yourself and you have to do it.

This really is the best advice. I know that with my first love we had to break it off cleanly after 3 years of off-and-on again, love/hate. None of this, still friends, lets still talk to each other bullshit. I remember what ended it, her final phone call. She called to tell me one of her best friends died in a car accident and really needed to talk to me. I didnt answer the phone and she left me a detailed message. This was after not talking to her for a month and I had just finally started getting my feelings in order and come to accept that it was over and we had finally had our very last conversation. It may have been a dick thing to do to not return her call, but I wasn't sure if she made the whole thing up. She had a tendency to make up wild stories to get me to talk to her. She lied and told me she was pregnant. She lied and said she had an abortion. She lied and told me she had been raped at a party and I wasn't her first.

[Ramblin]

A therapist told me recently that I should take a walk until I find myself. Well I've walked 86 miles so far this month according to my Nano, and I'm still fucking lost. Not sure why I posted this for the OP, but maybe it'll help. Hasn't worked for me though.

You didn't let the therapist finish, "You should take a walk until you find yourself a better therapist."

[fritolay]

If I had a family member that you treated that way, I would do the same her parents did.

Then I would politely sit you down, and ask you: Would you want your sister, mother, daughter, or any female to be in that situation? If they were, wouldn't you want the guy to move on?

Next you man up and make the best of yourself. I would apologize to her parents, tell them you are moving on and you wish them the best. Then move on.

[Curtisaur]

Do this.

[Manmademan]

He's 20, there will never be a next one. Ever. Forever ever. Cmon gaf lol.

I know several people in their 30s, both men and women who have never had a serious relationship.

Some people just aren't cut out for them. That's why I said IF. IF OP didn't clean his act up- both the emotional abuse as well as the wallowing in self pity bit coming across in the initial post he very well may be single for a very long time.

[daycru]

I did, and while it's nice he's making progress at therapy, hurling insults at his s/o and attributing his behavior to his own depression seems like a cop out to me.

He took responsibility and is trying to better himself. Should the guy just kill himself?