[EYEL1NER]

Fuck...you need to talk to someone, bro.
I'm not saying I know exactly what you have been through. But I have been through some of it. Depression, forcibly checked into an institution, had hit 21 years old without having ever kissed a girl (let alone had sex), fucked up my career in the military, put on a ton of weight, borrowing money every month from my only friend to pay bills and rent.

Life can suck but you can't let it get you down. I may only have one friend but he is such a great guy. We've only been friends for 4 years or so but I've been able to rely on him through some really rough and tough times. He has been here through financial and emotional troubles and is a better friend than I deserve.
My wife and child are absolutely great. I have a lot of fights with my wife and there are certainly bad times, but the good times more than make up for them.
I have been unemployed for only about 8 months now after fucking up my many chances I was given in the military. But if has been a long 8 months with zero money and lots of stress. Next Wednesday I start work as a government contractor though and will be doing alright for myself.

So you are feeling pretty low right now and maybe nothing I just said was really important or anything. But like you and most people out there I have been through some serious stress. I've spent the majority of my life being a fuck-up and only recently have I been able to start turning some stuff around.
If you need someone to talk to about stuff, hit me up. Or anyone else that is sure to come in here and offer. But if you don't take up anyone's offer, please at least talk some of this over with your therapist you mentioned.

[Ninja Scooter]

somebody put up the Eric Walton symbol

[orientalNoodle]

NASA just landed a fucking rover on Mars yo. If you kill yourself, you wouldn't be able to witness awesome shits like this.

[akachan ningen]

I don't think killing yourself is selfish. It's your life to do with what you please. I think selfish is asking someone who is miserable to stick around in a shitty situation so that they don't have to feel bad when you're gone. those same people who would feel bad about your death, if they care that much then they should try to help you. but they are probably scared too.

but there's always something you can do. you can improve your life but you have to do it little by little. you can't just jump out there and start working and dating girls if you have no experience with those things. you have to start slow, just by talking to people. you have to improve your willpower and that is impossible if you are setting your sights too high. start by doing constructive things that you know you can do and work your way up. and think about the journey, not the destination.

[coldvein]

somebody put up the Eric Walton symbol

who

[Ultima_5]

Once or twice when I was younger. Haven't thought about it in years. Not worth it. Better to just work hard and try to make things better than wallow in pity

[Tashi]

HaloGAF would miss you. But, yeah, that's an interesting thought that also crosses my mind every once in a while.

Haha would they? :P

[biosnake20]

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Seriously.

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

everyone always says it gets better i even say it to people sometimes but it doesn't it's a lie things don't get better you are who you are if you're neurotic and depressed and fucked up in the head like me, things don't get better at best, they stay the same but they'll probably just get worse

I realize your in a bad place right now and everything, but FUCK THAT. If people truly believed that, they would just have ended it a long time ago. Things do change. You just need the desire and the will. Don't drop that apathetic, fatalistic bullshit on us. You can change yourself. You already know your problems. You just need the will do something about them. For some people the will is internal. Others it needs to be external. Don't just stew there in a pile of self-pity. Fuck that noise, man. Do something good about it. Jesus Christ.

[Misguided]

I don't think killing yourself is selfish. It's your life to do with what you please. I think selfish is asking someone who is miserable to stick around in a shitty situation so that they don't have to feel bad when you're gone. those same people who would feel bad about your death, if they care that much then they should try to help you. but they are probably scared too. but there's always something you can do. you can improve your life but you have to do it little by little. you can't just jump out there and start working and dating girls if you have no experience with those things. you have to start slow, just by talking to people. you have to improve your willpower and that is impossible if you are setting your sights too high. start by doing constructive things that you know you can do and work your way up. and think about the journey, not the destination.

It totally is selfish. You punish the people around you who love you and want you in their lives all the time, even if you're too preoccupied to notice.

[MCXC Pioneer]

Whenever I think about killing myself, I decide instead to kill who I am by completely changing who I am. I get a buzzcut. I take a shower, I put on fresh clothes. I leave my house and go somewhere I've never been. It doesn't have to be a different country, just a place I've never been to. I change not just how I look but my surroundings as well because I feel that the combination of these elements is not working. So I must start fresh. Never kill yourself, just kill who you are. Hating yourself is fine. Pinpoint all the things about yourself that you don't like. And change those things. Change the way you look, the way you dress, the way you speak. Change your routine, change your environment, change your hobbies (or get one if you don't have one). Pick a subject and learn everything you can about it. That is my advice.

This is GREAT advice

[fredrancour]

everyone always says it gets better i even say it to people sometimes but it doesn't it's a lie things don't get better you are who you are if you're neurotic and depressed and fucked up in the head like me, things don't get better at best, they stay the same but they'll probably just get worse

It's not true though. Basically every ounce of modern brain and cognitive science has started telling us that the brain is more plastic than ever previously imagined. Changes can stick, even in adults.

[catfish]

hey how about applying for a job? nope, too much of a pussy to do that because they might say no and confirm my suspicion that i'm useless and unemployable how about talking to that girl? nope, too much of a pussy to do that because she'll probably get mad at me and point out the fact that i'm fat and ugly and disgusting and boring and annoying and have no chance with any girl ever how about talking to anyone to try to make friends? nope, too much of a pussy to do that. i'm lucky that i stumbled into having a handful of friends right now by pure luck how about doing literally anything with your life at all? nope, because i might fail on account of i am a failure and i tend to fail at everything so instead i'm just gonna slowly eat everything and get fat to death i' anyway go ahead and tell me how much of a loser i am for making this stupid thread and being fat and ugly and a 24 year old virgin and how selfish and stupid i am for being depressed and thinking of killing myself, i know you guys are pretty good at that and enjoy doing it

cmon now....

everyone is being supportive. from your list above

you will not

seek employment
talk to girls
make friends

and you seem to blame it all on being fat.

It also sounds like you are fat enough to need surgery to correct it.

Ignoring your feelings of depression for a sec, it seems like most of your issues could be solved by

1. getting in shape.

this would solve your 'i'm fat and disgusting' image issue.
This would also probably affect your energy levels in a positive way.
Exercise is one of the best ways to combat depression.

you should seek medication/counselling to make the above happen.

Start small. It's all about momentum.

this guy knows what he's talking about.

i get stupid and emotional and defensive about stupid fucking words on my stupid fucking computer screen, and then i post stupid bullshit

this will be the end of you unless you make an effort and don't quit.

[SalsaShark]

and you were calling me emo in the "show your voice" thread? :p



dont think about life in that way, man, not even as something to just contemplate

[ViewtifulJC]

everyone always says it gets better i even say it to people sometimes but it doesn't it's a lie things don't get better you are who you are if you're neurotic and depressed and fucked up in the head like me, things don't get better at best, they stay the same but they'll probably just get worse

If you really, honestly believe this sack of horseshit, then there's a big change you need to me. It's just an excuse for being a fuckin' loser. And you don't have to be that if you don't want to, if you work to do something about it, every damn day with a goal in mind to not be that person you hate in the mirror so much.

[iRAWRasaurus]

I use to think about killing myself, but that was about 3 years ago. Alot has changed since then. Life can be hard and rough sometimes but you gotta keep on swimming! Just think how amazing life is all these chemicals and complex systems forming to give you a chance..its kinda crazy and important, so treasure it. Life is what you make of it, and it can be awesome if you just give it a chance :)

[maxxpower]

I did...once, but never again.

[MissyElliottSmith]

Very often, I think about what I would do and feel if people I knew and loved die. I can't say I find comfort or any further clarity to understand how to handle such a situation. I can say that right now, I care if you do or don't do anything.

I care stranger. Please confide in someone, here or elsewhere. I don't think you are a loser. Despite the many difference that people have on this forum, not caring about those in our community is very small.

We care, and again, I hope and wish that you continue to talk and express your self to somewhere. Professional or friendly. I'm sure many here would be willing to listen, and offer advice/words of engorgement.

[Ermc_G6]

Man, this has been a rough month for GAF.

cheer up everyone! It isn't that bad after all!

[IrishNinja]

Whenever I think about killing myself, I decide instead to kill who I am by completely changing who I am. I get a buzzcut. I take a shower, I put on fresh clothes. I leave my house and go somewhere I've never been. It doesn't have to be a different country, just a place I've never been to. I change not just how I look but my surroundings as well because I feel that the combination of these elements is not working. So I must start fresh. Never kill yourself, just kill who you are. Hating yourself is fine. Pinpoint all the things about yourself that you don't like. And change those things. Change the way you look, the way you dress, the way you speak. Change your routine, change your environment, change your hobbies (or get one if you don't have one). Pick a subject and learn everything you can about it. That is my advice.

i like this post. i wanna try shit shit out, and im not even depressed.

[Navidson REC]

Haha would they? :P

Well, HaloGAF Radio definitely wouldn't be the same anymore. :P
Also, dat MLG talk.

[brianjones]

thread is really bumming me out

i come here to avoid the fact that i hate my life not to be reminded of it

[Flame Lord]

I don't think I would ever kill myself. If I ever got to that point I think I would rather just run away and travel or something.

[TheKaeptain]

Never. Fucking Never. I live for tomorrow.

[Pizarro]

everyone always says it gets better i even say it to people sometimes but it doesn't it's a lie things don't get better you are who you are if you're neurotic and depressed and fucked up in the head like me, things don't get better at best, they stay the same but they'll probably just get worse

Yeah that's me Kevin. Exactly me. But life is a transient load one has to bear for a relatively short while. When you're down things can only get worse, it seems. Life is a sham and you're a wastoid, it seems. Try to find a simple pleasure to bring you out of the dumps my friend. At least temporarily. One day you'll be ready. Don't believe me? I only want to believe it myself actually. I don't know if I'm just full of shit. But Hope man. Hope every day life will change.

[Vibed]

A number of times in the past I've sobbed all night, crying myself to sleep and telling myself I'm worthless and that others should just forget me, but I never wanted to kill myself.

I never would've expected this from KevinCow, I always liked him as a poster. :( Please, don't even entertain the idea.

everyone always says it gets better i even say it to people sometimes but it doesn't it's a lie things don't get better you are who you are if you're neurotic and depressed and fucked up in the head like me, things don't get better at best, they stay the same but they'll probably just get worse

Everything does get better if you make it get better. Taking the initiative to at least get the ball rolling helps a lot. I've done it, you can too.

[Pizarro]

thread is really bumming me out i come here to avoid the fact that i hate my life not to be reminded of it

That's a lie. You want to let something out. Go on.

[Poyunch]

I don't think about killing myself per se but occasionally under extreme stress I kind of think about how much more peaceful it is once it's all over. Like there's no need to fear death because all your problems and all the stress is meaningless afterwards.

You just got to remember all the good stuff you have/can have so you don't just kill yourself.

[pje122]

Is it because you made Segata leave?

[Xzeon]

constantly.

but i also just think about death in general a lot.

just like, why are we here, whats the end goal, what is eternal nothingness really like, is there really a heaven.

just shit that goes through my mind at least once a day.

[akachan ningen]

It totally is selfish. You punish the people around you who love you and want you in their lives all the time, even if you're too preoccupied to notice.

that's a childish way of looking at it.

[Tenck]

It's funny how much I've thought about it lately. Hate my job, hate what I've done up until now, and I'm about to start school and I don't even know exactly what I want to do. Not that I'd ever go through with it, but sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it.

[ViewtifulJC]

If I kill myself, I'll never see tomorrow.

Now THAT'S a depressing thought.

[Brian Fellows]

Daily.

[KevinCow]

I realize your in a bad place right now and everything, but FUCK THAT. If people truly believed that, they would just have ended it a long time ago. Things do change. You just need the desire and the will. Don't drop that apathetic, fatalistic bullshit on us. You can change yourself. You already know your problems. You just need the will do something about them. For some people the will is internal. Others it needs to be external. Don't just stew there in a pile of self-pity. Fuck that noise, man. Do something good about it. Jesus Christ.

you can say all that as much as you want

all this stuff about desire and willpower and all that

but i'm just completely fucked in the brain on a very basic level

on the last psychological examination i had, i scored over 95% in anger, depression, and anxiety

that's how i've been my entire life. i can't count the number of doctors i've seen or medications i've been on to try to fix any of it

nothing has ever worked. i've only gotten worse.

i have occasionally been able to trick myself into feeling confident for short periods of time, but that only ever results in a bit of a breakdown when all the anxiety and depression finally catches up with me

It totally is selfish. You punish the people around you who love you and want you in their lives all the time, even if you're too preoccupied to notice.

it's funny, because worrying about how i'm negatively impacting my family is usually the first thing on my mind when i think about it

i don't want them to have to put up with my bullshit and flush all their money down the toilet that is me anymore

that's like one of the main reasons i ever even consider it

i'm sick of being a burden on everyone else

[Ken]

If I kill myself, I'll never see tomorrow. Now THAT'S a depressing thought.

If I kill myself, I'll never taste kalbi or pajeon again.

:<

[Tubby Toast]

Pretty much described how I have felt for years. Thought of suicide several times but luckily I had a great mother who has helped me a lot, hate myself for having been a leech on her though, a big step in the right direction for me has been to start not giving a fuck what other people thinks. But obviously killing yourself won't solve shit.

Good luck with that surgery dude and with life in general, the future is usually a lot brighter than we imagine.

[MCXC Pioneer]

This may sound messed up but I've thougt about killing myself as early as age 10 and vividly remember hiding in my closet crying while making a half-assed attempt to strangle myself with a belt over trivial BS I can't remember. I used to think I had it rough growing up. My parents probably made a combined 6 figure income back then; I had the means to get everything I could ever want, which back then was PS2 games and Pokemon cards, but it was never handed out, my parents tried to instill the value of hard work but I was too young/stupid to understand.

As I got older and still had not caught on to the whole earning privlidges thing; I began to engage in...less than honorable means to get what I wanted. My parents didn't know how to handle me...I was their first and only son, I don't blame them. Things got bad between us. Real bad. It got to the point where I kept a knife under my bed and thought about slashing my wrist to get out of what I precieved to be a prison.

Things got better with time though. I joined an athletic team, made new friends, went off to college, etc...

Basically what I am trying to tell you is that a change in environment and appearance can go a long way. Don't give up man, it CAN get better. If you want to talk I am here along with the rest of GAF.

[KevinCow]

If I kill myself, I'll never see tomorrow. Now THAT'S a depressing thought.

some of the very few things that keep me from getting beyond considering it are various games and movies that i wouldn't be able to play and see

like i think about it, and then i'm all, "but if i did it i wouldn't be able to play _____ and see _____, so i'll hold off for a bit"

and then i realize how completely pathetic that is and get even more depressed

[Eric Walton]

some of the very few things that keep me from getting beyond considering it are various games and movies that i wouldn't be able to play and see like i think about it, and then i'm all, "but if i did it i wouldn't be able to play _____ and see _____, so i'll hold off for a bit" and then i realize how completely pathetic that is and get even more depressed

I have to lay down. My cellphone is next to my head, on vibrate.

[Siyou]

I was in a rut a while ago when I finished high school. I had not planned, but decided randomly I would shoot myself. Then I found a friend who helped me out, but I didn't tell him about it. When I did, the friendship began to falter. When it fell through, I didn't see myself depressed anymore. I learned to not really pay attention to everyone else and to focus on my own goals. The truth is, I'm still learning what it is I want to do in my future, but all I do know is that I will live until my body is weak and my mind is gone. Otherwise, I will do the best to my ability and I will write down any dark fantasies I might have. You should consider writing.

[brianjones]

some of the very few things that keep me from getting beyond considering it are various games and movies that i wouldn't be able to play and see like i think about it, and then i'm all, "but if i did it i wouldn't be able to play _____ and see _____, so i'll hold off for a bit" and then i realize how completely pathetic that is and get even more depressed

having things to look forward to isn't pathetic, it's a good thing

i try to find little things to look forward to every day, even if it's as simple as a meal

[Tashi]

Well, HaloGAF Radio definitely wouldn't be the same anymore. :P Also, dat MLG talk.

No one could carry my torch!

[The Take Out Bandit]

those of you who manage to live your lives without being complete failures like me, you have no idea how jealous I am

I'm pretty sure you're not alone in that feeling of failure. My buddy and I were discussing his depression over turning 30 and feeling like a failure for still working a dead end job and not accomplishing what he had hoped to in his 20's.

Every day I stay employed is a miracle. The lie is working, but I'm pretty confident they'll catch me sooner or later.

Life is tough. No simple answer.

Do something to take your mind off the negativity.

Even getting a shit job is better than no job.

I used to think about killing myself. Warm bath. Razor. Femoral arteries. Bleed out quick. Like yourself I didn't have the nerve.

Talk to your therapist.

Don't tell them you're thinking of killing yourself, frame it differently. Tell them about your poor self image and lack of self worth. Work it out man.

[ViewtifulJC]

If I kill myself, I'll never taste kalbi or pajeon again. :<

I'll never get to see how shitty/non-shitty Halo 4 finally turns out to be. I'll never be able to see how post-college life works out for me. I'll never find the joy of bonding with another person ever again. I'll never get to experience all those great movies and television that I haven't seen, or all the great stuff that hasn't been made yet. I'll never feel the touch of another human again. I'll never be challenged by anything again. I'll never be able to walk down the long block around our old house and reminisce with my brother about all the stupid shit we did when we were younger. I'll never feel pain, or joy, or distress, or enlightenment, or confusion, or complete satisfaction ever again.

I'll just be fuckin' dead, in the ground.

THAT what depresses me. Not being about to experience life in all it's pleasures and hardships ever again.

[hateradio]

Frequently, but I know I won't.

[joe2187]

This thread needs Stevie Wonder, When I found Stevie's music, I never looked at life the same way ever again.

Everyone could use a little dose of stevie and the whole world would be better off.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GYQfWJNWe3I

Whenever I feel down I always know, stevie loves me.

[KevinCow]

like how pathetic would it be if i decided to go through with it and i was laying there bleeding to death and my last thought was, "man, it sucks that i never saw what the next metroid game was gonna be like"

[Bombadil]

some of the very few things that keep me from getting beyond considering it are various games and movies that i wouldn't be able to play and see like i think about it, and then i'm all, "but if i did it i wouldn't be able to play _____ and see _____, so i'll hold off for a bit" and then i realize how completely pathetic that is and get even more depressed

Do you feel that the only things worth living for right now are games and films?

I think those things are a crutch. They've become too central to your existence. And perhaps you've neglected the other opportunities in life in favor of those mediums of entertainment. I think you should put those things away for a while and focus on new things that you've never done or do rarely.

If you have body image issues, I can relate. For the longest time, I believed that certain things about myself were hopelessly unchangeable. I looked at myself in the mirror for hours at a time some days because I kept trying to visualize myself as a better-looking individual. Needless to say, it was a waste of time. I was able to change myself physically, but the only way to do it was to get up and change myself, not fantasize. Fantasizing is a major timesink. But you have to initially develop an idealized version of yourself, and then make all the choices necessary to reach that standard.

So, make a list of things about yourself you do not like, and then we can move forward with making the proper decisions. Let's approach it like a simple problem with many steps rather than an impossible one with one insurmountable step.

[The Grim Heaper]

Thought about it once or twice, but the outcome won't be very good and it would be rather selfish to off myself. So I've thought about it once for real, a few more times as a "What if?" kind of scenario, but I'll never actually do it. Too much to live for.

Just know we're here for you, Kevin. Hang in there.