[H3xum]

Last night I very excruciatingly broke up with my girlfriend of roughly 8 months.

The back story is as follows:

I knew her since high school but we never spoke, cliche story of we both moved back to our hometown after college and began working and stumbled into each other at a local bar and hit it off. We hung out for a good month before I ended up asking her out and things went well. Well I had found after we were dating that she has seizures and suffers from mild epilepsy. The thing is, she hadn't had one for 2 years until she recently had 2, one in December and one in June. As of the one 2 years ago, she stopped working and stopped driving. It did not bother me as it is a seemingly an unwinable situation for her, however, over the last month I've come to find out I know tons of people who have epilepsy and are fully functional, so it sort of sat in the back of my mind.

Well anyway, I own my own home and she has since moved back in with her very overbearing mother and her father, so whenever we hung out I would always end up picking her up and driving her back to my house where she would stay for a few days at a time. Over the last month I really felt like her life at age 27 was already stagnant, that she was letting her issues defeat her and every time I would try to express that, she'd get upset and I can't argue that because it's an unfair hand she's been dealt. Well it reached a boiling point Friday when I came home and she was still in her (my) pajamas from the morning when I left for work, I just asked her politely if I could take her home because I had a few questions I wanted to ask myself.

Last night I picked her up and took her to the park and said quite simply for this relationship to work for me I feel like I need to be a part of your life opposed to you just being a part of mine, and where you stand right now, you don't have a life of your own because you're letting yourself be defeated by an easily defeatable thing (as in she can live her life alongside of this instead of letting this dictate her life; she can feel the seizure come on a minute or so in advance). She cried and said she understood and said she desired to get back out there but "I don't understand". It wasn't said in a mean spirited way, it was very genuine.

I feel terrible about it because she is otherwise a very sweet girl, when she was at my house she would do everything, but if I wanted to go out for a long weekend vacation, it would be all me, anytime we went out, it was all me, she recognized that and was very passive and made nearly no decisions, I couldn't handle that.

Am I a terrible person? Help me cope because right now I feel miserable.

Bonus: Her parents house just recently went on the market and they're moving about 80 miles south, though it didn't factor in my decision, that would be a drive I would have to make regularly.

[ErasureAcer]

Yes. You're a bad person but not for the breaking up with her.

[Ace Harding]

Last night I picked her up and took her to the park and said quite simply for this relationship to work for me I feel like I need to be a part of your life opposed to you just being a part of mine, and where you stand right now, you don't have a life of your own because you're letting yourself be defeated by an easily defeatable thing (she can feel the seizure come on a minute or so in advance). She cried and said she understood and said she desired to get back out there but "I don't understand". It wasn't said in a mean spirited way, it was very genuine.

Was this the first time you brought this up with her? Sounds like she's depressed, understandable based on her condition.

Perhaps you are letting an "easily defeatable thing" defeat your relationship? If you really like this girl, why not try to help her and encourage her to get counseling or whatever else she needs to get on her feet?

Edit: You aren't a bad person for breaking up with her though. If you can't or aren't willing to stand by her and help and if this bothers you and you don't want to be with her you don't need to stay in the relationship.

[Izick]

No, you're not.

You didn't break up with her because of her condition, but rather her attitude towards that condition, and her unwillingness to let you in to her life fully. There's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, because you sound like you handled it like as an adult, and as mature as one possibly could.

With all that said, I do think you don't give enough weight to how much her condition troubles her. Medical issues aren't simple as something you can just "overcome." They're always in the back of your mind, eating away. You can always try and distract yourself from them, but they always sink back in and bother you for some time or another. It just is how it is.

[H3xum]

Was this the first time you brought this up with her? Sounds like she's depressed, understandable based on her condition. Perhaps you are letting an "easily defeatable thing" defeat your relationship? If you really like this girl, why not try to help her and encourage her to get counseling or whatever else she needs to get on her feet?

I have tried, I've offered to go driving with her and to help her get her foot in with a job but every time I did she got hyper defensive and would ultimately get upset with me. I am just taking a leap her but I think that has to do with what she is hearing from her very protective mother all day long. She is a different person around her, she speaks differently, mannerisms are different, she regresses almost to a child like state.

Consoling and general hand holding is something else that popped up in my head while I was trying to decide what I want this to become. But in the end I felt like this is something that she has to do and want to do for herself, not for me and most certainly not because a relationship hinges on it. Maybe that's a terrible attitude to have but that's all I know (which doesn't make it right, I understand)

[Izick]

In addition to what I said, it's hard to be rational sometimes about medical issues. It's hard not to just get completely fucking depressed sometimes.

[H3xum]

In addition to what I said, it's hard to be rational sometimes about medical issues. It's hard not to just get completely fucking depressed sometimes.

This is why I feel regret. And this varies from person to person, but I can't get beyond the fact that at 27 she has already been out of everything for 2 years, the workforce, driving, independence financially and otherwise. But I also can't say that to her because I don't know what it's like, but I do know that it was becoming part of my life

[CrankyJay]

Breaking Up Bad

Sorry for your situation...I don't think you're a bad person

[Jasoneyu]

Yes. You're a bad person but not for the breaking up with her.

Any reason why you think like this? In my opinion the OP isn't a bad person because he truly cares for her yet they are stuck in an impass. How is this any different from other people leaving a relationship because of lack of motivation or drive to change? The only mitgating issue is that it is tied to a medical issue.

The thing you have to ask yourself is are you willing to stay in a relationship because of guilt? Will that be a stable base of which to build a relationship? or will resentment continue to grow as a result?

[Dave Inc.]

This is why I feel regret. And this varies from person to person, but I can't get beyond the fact that at 27 she has already been out of everything for 2 years, the workforce, driving, independence financially and otherwise. But I also can't say that to her because I don't know what it's like, but I do know that it was becoming part of my life

I don't think you're a bad person. You're looking for a partner, not a dependent. If she's unwilling to tackle her issues and maintain independence for herself then I completely understand your decision.

[thefil]

It sounds like you did it as gracefully as could be expected.

[H3xum]

The thing you have to ask yourself is are you willing to stay in a relationship because of guilt? Will that be a stable base of which to build a relationship? or will resentment continue to grow as a result?

That is very helpful. Thank you

[yn-neko hates a cat]

Yes. You're a bad person but not for the breaking up with her.

I agree with this.

[U2NUMB]

I spent 10 years with someone who was very depressed and had serious social issues .. trust me it does not end well if they are not willing to get help. I did everything in my power to get that 10 minutes of her being happy but it never lasts.

If I could turn back time I would have reacted to the MANY obvious red flags. Bottom line she needs to tackle her issues on her own and with professional help. Nothing you could do to help her if she is not willing.

No doubt it's tough but it is the best for both of you at your young age.

[Angry Grimace]

I don't think you sound like a bad guy at all. I understand why you feel bad about it though.

[Amory]

I broke up with my girlfriend of three years just basically because i wasn't feeling it anymore. That was back in March and I still feel awful about it. Just takes time, I guess.

[Venfayth]

I think what you did was reasonable.

[H3xum]

Yes. You're a bad person but not for the breaking up with her.

I agree with this.

Could you elaborate? I honestly feel like hearing every angle is going to help me so I can get rid of some of my whatifs

[Darkness]

Sounds like you handled it about as good as you could have. It's a shitty situation but not much else you can do.

[Nerfgun]

I don't think you're a bad person OP. Things change, not always for the best, you cope how you can.

The comment at the very end about the "long drive" did seem churlish though.

[Entropia]

You aren't a bad person. You and your relationship with her wasn't directly affected by her condition, rather it was her and how she dealt with the condition.

It's hard for me to say anything further having never been in that type of situation, but the onus is on her to make the best of her condition and she sounded like she was doing the exact opposite.

[H3xum]

I don't think you're a bad person OP. Things change, not always for the best, you cope how you can. The comment at the very end about the "long drive" did seem churlish though.

I could understand that sounding childish, I meant it as in I fear it would end up being something I resent about her even though it has nothing to do with us and our relationship.

[Amory]

Could you elaborate? I honestly feel like hearing every angle is going to help me so I can get rid of some of my whatifs

You really didn't do anything wrong, no point in looking for reasons to feel shitty about doing what you had to do.

[Sanky Panky]

I'm with you OP. I just broke up with my gf of 10 months. It was because of some issue with the ex, but something that was eating away at me was that she always had a victim/negative mentality.

She had an incredibly difficult childhood, so now she resorts to weed and alcohol to deal with her anxiety. She's not lazy, but she works in a job that pays nothing and is very physically demanding. When she complains about it, I usually recommend we both together look for jobs for her. When I would lay out a plan, she would get very defensive, and say that there is nothing out there for her. That she had tried for 5 years, and I did not "understand".

I'm a very positive person, so over the long-term, it would have affected me more and more. I realized a positive attitude is an absolute must for me now.

[Dyno]

You're not a bad person. You are allowed to be with whomever you want. If a relationship isn't working for you then you are entitled to leave it. You broke up right and deserve to move on.

[Srsly]

You're a fucking douchebag for thinking that just because other people can function well with epilepsy, she should be able to as well. Epilepsy doesn't have a single cause and it comes in various degrees of severity. Just because someone else can control their epilepsy doesn't mean your ex-GF can. I'm sure she's tried a variety of medications with various side effects, and anti-seizure meds can have some pretty severe side effects. It's one thing to break up with her because you're not ready to deal with taking care of someone who is in that situation. It's another to blame someone like that for giving up when I'm sure they've exhausted all reasonable treatment options.

[ruxtpin]

I don't think you're a bad person. I've been struggling with a similar situation. Still no decision on my part yet. But... I don't know. I think you handled that in the best way possible.

[H3xum]

You're a fucking douchebag for thinking that just because other people can function well with epilepsy, she should be able to as well. Epilepsy doesn't have a single cause and it comes in various degrees of severity. Just because someone else can control their epilepsy doesn't mean your ex-GF can. I'm sure she's tried a variety of medications with various side effects, and anti-seizure meds can have some pretty severe side effects. It's one thing to break up with her because you're not ready to deal with taking care of someone who is in that situation. It's another to blame someone like that for giving up when I'm sure they've exhausted all reasonable treatment options.

Part of my thing (and ultimately the tipping point) was I felt like with her not willing to accept my help and with me providing her with a place where she can sit around and be away from it all, it was like I was enabling her to stay still. She has had it her entire life, her seizure that ultimately lead her to quit her job and stop driving was no different than any she had before or after, that's what my decision was founded on, not me thinking she was lazy or anything outright mean such as that

[AlexMogil]

I think you handled it logically, which is probably why you feel bad about it.

[mooooose]

Dude you did nothing wrong.

[Srsly]

Part of my thing (and ultimately the tipping point) was I felt like with her not willing to accept my help and with me providing her with a place where she can sit around and be away from it all, it was like I was enabling her to stay still. She has had it her entire life, her seizure that ultimately lead her to quit her job and stop driving was no different than any she had before or after, that's what my decision was founded on, not me thinking she was lazy or anything outright mean such as that

You do realize that people who have seizures are supposed to wait at least 6 months to a year before attempting to drive again? And it has to be proven that the seizures are under control again. If her seizure happened randomly out of nowhere, then the same could happen again, except while she is driving. Driving anytime soon would be a danger not only to herself, but others. Do you really want her to be endangering herself and others just so she can satisfy your expectation of her "not to give up"?

[H3xum]

You do realize that people who have seizures are supposed to wait at least 6 months to a year before attempting to drive again? And it has to be proven that the seizures are under control again. If her seizure happened randomly out of nowhere, then the same could happen again, except while she is driving. Driving anytime soon would be a danger not only to herself, but others. Do you really want her to be endangering herself and others just so she can satisfy your expectation of her "not to give up"?

I've offered to drive her before, her mother is a homemaker so she could drive her as well, plus they have never been out of nowhere, now I'm not saying that can't be, I'm just saying she has options. Again I don't want to sound like I'm calling her lazy, I just feel as if she has accepted her (again, unfair) hand already as evident by the few years she spent without a seizure prior to me coming into her life.

I understand your point and I feel as if this is likely hers as well which is why I feel bad, so I'm going to stop sticking up for myself because this is the exact situation I'm in with her, I wouldn't like to relive it with you here

[Ultima_5]

Seems like you did the right thing honestly. Maybe it'll help bring it to her attention that she needs to start working on her issues.

[Angry Grimace]

You're a fucking douchebag for thinking that just because other people can function well with epilepsy, she should be able to as well. Epilepsy doesn't have a single cause and it comes in various degrees of severity. Just because someone else can control their epilepsy doesn't mean your ex-GF can. I'm sure she's tried a variety of medications with various side effects, and anti-seizure meds can have some pretty severe side effects. It's one thing to break up with her because you're not ready to deal with taking care of someone who is in that situation. It's another to blame someone like that for giving up when I'm sure they've exhausted all reasonable treatment options.

The difference is that you're calling him a "fucking douchebag" based on speculating as to what she was doing and he was actually there. He isn't required to stay with her if he can't deal with the fact that she can't function with epilepsy. I don't think even if that was his stated intent he would have been a "fucking douchebag." It was the right thing to do in either circumstance.

[DrFunk]

What were you gonna do OP? Sit there and continue to stagnate and be miserable? You'd be hurting yourself then. I can understand why you'd feel this way, but I believe that you gotta look out for your well-being also. I don't think you're a bad person, sometimes things like this happen for a reason.

[Dr.Guru of Peru]

Im pretty sure if you have epilespy you cant legally drive if you've had a seizure in the past 12 months. Now I'm not sure what happens after that - I believe your case gets reviewed or something, but do you know why she didn't drive?

[soepje]

I don´t want to be a butthole, but why would someone with seizures not be able to work? There are enough 'safe' jobs out there arn´t there? Driving i can understand though, that it could be scary.

I think OP did not do anything wrong here, she seems depressed/in a bad moment in life. It´s something she will have work on herself, nothing that OP can fix for her.

[Log4Girlz]

You did nothing wrong. You handled it about as well as someone can. Now to be honest, the 80 mile drive is adding a huge burden.

[yn-neko hates a cat]

Could you elaborate? I honestly feel like hearing every angle is going to help me so I can get rid of some of my whatifs

I don't know your full story but I had a hard time understanding how she was allowing her condition to defeat her. It seems like there may be more to that but on the surface, it felt like you just didn't want to be with a person with the condition and decided to push the blame her while treating the change in her lifestyle as a pure choice.

I worked with a coworker who was diabetic who would have similar attacks where he would lose control of motor skills and yet he drove to and from work and was a fully functional father of two otherwise (quite brilliant) so I'm wondering if that's what you implying?

Like I said, on the surface, it feels bad but the situation is probably deeper than the synopsis you gave us. I don't expect you to go deeper either but take any perspective I have on this as coming from a place of ignorance. You have to be honest with yourself. All that said, I definitely think breaking up was the correct thing to do if you no longer wanted to be with her.

[mooooose]

You were in no way obligated to her and this was a huge hassle for you and a big hang up. Who cares.

[TRios Zen]

Doing the right thing isn't always easy, but if you knew that your relationship had a troubled future because of how she was reacting to this, leaving her sooner rather than later was the right thing to do (IMO).

Doesn't mean you won't feel like an ass now for it, but when you look back at it years from now, I'd guess you'd still feel regret over hurting her, but none over LEAVING her. Big, important difference there.

[Sky Chief]

I think you handled the situation well. Breaking up is always hard.

[Degen]

been there, done that; you did well and won't feel bad for long.

[H3xum]

I appreciate ya', gaf. I needed to hear the things I was thinking coming from someone else. I don't feel like I'm just trying to justify my actions, I feel like the right decision was made.

[Izick]

I don't think you're a bad person. I've been struggling with a similar situation. Still no decision on my part yet. But... I don't know. I think you handled that in the best way possible.

[H3xum]

Bahaha. Noticed that but did not want to derail too early

[mikelb7]

I think the only thing you need to be sure of (for yourself) is whether you really could've helped her or not. Another poster made an excellent point... You didn't break up with her due to her condition, you broke up with her due to her inability to properly deal with her condition. That's all fine and good but from the limited information you've posted here, it doesn't seem very much like you've tried to work through this with her (and no, telling her that other people with epilepsy live more functional lives than she does doesn't really count as "trying to work things through").

If you feel that there's nothing further you can do to help her attitude (be that because you don't want to, don't have the time/energy/desire/skills necessary to help her cope) or help her to get help (there has to be epilepsy support groups or epilepsy-centric therapy somewhere out there), then you should look back on this with no regrets. If you haven't done all that you can to help her out, then you'll rightfully feel remorseful and regretful.

From the sounds of things, you did what you had to (especially given the impending move). You aren't a "fucking douchebag" or a "bad person", but if you haven't given your all into helping her come around with her attitude, you are definitely a little lacking in the compassion department. Either that, or you just don't want to be with her, condition or not (both of these things are still ok in my books). Let us know how things go.

[mooooose]

She has to change for herself, not you. Otherwise she will resent you for it. It wasn't going to happen.

[Devolution]

I'm with you OP. I just broke up with my gf of 10 months. It was because of some issue with the ex, but something that was eating away at me was that she always had a victim/negative mentality. She had an incredibly difficult childhood, so now she resorts to weed and alcohol to deal with her anxiety. She's not lazy, but she works in a job that pays nothing and is very physically demanding. When she complains about it, I usually recommend we both together look for jobs for her. When I would lay out a plan, she would get very defensive, and say that there is nothing out there for her. That she had tried for 5 years, and I did not "understand". I'm a very positive person, so over the long-term, it would have affected me more and more. I realized a positive attitude is an absolute must for me now.

Both of you sound like you were dealing with women who have depression =/.

[GungHo]

I don't fault you, H3xum.

I have my own issues and it's hard on my wife to separate how I feel about myself, my job, or my life and how I feel about her. It takes a lot of work and commitment to not be resentful (both ways).

I will also say it's absolutely workable if you both want it to work. But, you both have to want it to work. You both will have to decide to empower her. You both will have to decide that she (and possibly you) has delayed her (and possibly your) adulthood long enough. She may always be passive (and passive-aggressive) to some extent... sometimes, that's just the way people are and has nothing to do with depression. But, mentally, she's going to have to become non-dependent, even if she remains financially dependent on her parents, on you, or on disability.