• Register
  • TOS
  • Privacy
  • @NeoGAF

MThanded
Member
(05-13-2013, 01:52 AM)
MThanded's Avatar
I was wondering if any Gaffers would be interested in an OT focusing on long term relationships. Personally, i'm coming up on my 9th year in the same relationship and over the years I have learned some things. Some of these things I wish I had learned a long time ago. Also, I am sure there are more things to learn that others may already have figured out.

I've never had experience making an OT but I could probably figure it out. Or, someone with more expertise could do it. Alternatively this terrible thread could be the OT.

Edit:
OK this is the OT. Done.

Thanks to AMUSIX for this great and very true post.

Originally Posted by AMUSIX

My wife and I started living together October of '95. We've been through every situation from renting a single room in a house with 6 other roommates, living off of the tips she made waitress at a diner to owning our home and being independently wealthy. We've gone through all the typical couple strife, from in-law stressors to financial issues to friend problems. Over the past seventeen years, there are certain things which have remained constant, certain things that I've come to believe are important in a relationship.
Bamelin's post above is very, very similar to this, so it only strengthens my belief that I at least go something right.


1) Communication is Vital: There is nothing more important. Without open, honest communication, I cannot see how any lasting relationship can be healthy. We've weathered situations and have done things that I know will commonly tear a couple apart, and I've got to attribute that to us being both forthcoming and receptive with each other. In another thread, someone scoffed and said "communication can't fix every problem" which is true. However, it can absolutely fix every fixable problem. All the things that people have the most trouble discussing openly (money, sex, family) are the things that have to be discussed between two people if they want to grow together.

2) Space is Vital: While each of you having your own physical space is a wonderful idea, it is also a luxury. Even when we were in a single room, sharing a bathroom with four others, we managed to have our own 'space'. For me, it was a lot of my online interactions. For her, it was diaries and the second drawer under the bed. Being able to explore who you are on your own and then taking that back to your SO is key to not letting the relationship become dominated by one side or the other. Likewise, respecting one another's space and not trying to intrude on it only builds trust and the wonderful feeling that anything is safe with the other person.

3) Vacations are Important: OK, stealing this from Bamelin, but I absolutely agree. Find any way you can to get away, to share experiences with each other. Heck, we subjected ourselves to a medical experiment just to have enough money to do a road trip to the SouthWest. Sure, a week of e.coli followed by a week of sleeping in the car doesn't sound like heaven, but 15 years later, we remember that trip so fondly. The same goes for every trip we've taken, the times that we've shared that stand out the most were when we separated ourselves from all outside stressors and just got to be together (I should note that, in our over 17 and a half years, we've spent maybe 30 days apart).

4) Money is Not That Important: But honesty about money and proper money management is. Don't live outside your means, no matter how much you might want it for the other. If there's trouble paying bills, work on it together. We had these problems early on, and we had friends who had the same problems. We watched as their relationships were torn apart because one was too scared to discuss it with the other, or 'didn't want to worry' the other, or some such reason. I can only believe that, by us talking openly about it, we avoided those pitfalls (which goes back to point 1).

5) Support Anything: Whatever your SO wants to do, support them. OK, well, maybe not if they want to become a serial killer or something like that, but anything within reason. In all of our lives, there are times when it seems the entire world is against our ambitions. Having someone next to you that you know you can rely on to always support and cheer you on is a gift beyond measure. You want to show someone you love them? You want to strengthen the bond? Be that for them. You don't have to be interested in the same venture, or even take part in it, but you can always provide positive reinforcement.

6) Sex is Vital: Good sex. Exciting sex. Different sex. It's all important. Explore each other's kinks. Be open about it. Find a place where the two of you can talk about the most fucked up thoughts you've had (for us, it was in the car...no matter how embarrassing the topic, if we were in the car, we could talk about it...discussion would end the moment we got out). Be painfully open about things, and daring. Push each other's limits and boundaries and never stop trying new things. I've seen one relationship after another where sex was on Fridays (maybe) and they ALL had some sort of longing. The vacations help this, the communication helps this, the personal space helps this. If you want to know what bad, infrequent, boring sex does to a couple, head over to ashleymadison.com.

7) Have Fun: Play games, go biking, be each other's best friends. Take a deck of cards when you go out to eat (at casual restaurants). If you can't do your leisure activities with one another, then there is something seriously wrong. All the things you do with friends you should be able to do with your SO. Of course, you two might not WANT to do certain things (she might not be into video games or you might not be into gardening) but never for a moment close the door to it being a possibility.


OK, so nothing surprising in this list, but, honestly, I think the biggest factor in a lasting, healthy relationship is the first one. Communication. Communication and Sex. Two of the biggest factors in a lasting, healthy relationship are Communication and Sex. And Having Fun. Amongst the factors in a lasting, healthy relationship and such diverse element as: Communication, Sex, Having Fun, and a fanatical devotion to the Pope.

Last edited by MThanded; 05-15-2013 at 12:21 AM.
Solo
he got what he thought he wanted, but lost that which was most important
(05-13-2013, 01:52 AM)
Solo's Avatar
This is the OT. Did I just blow your mind?
Sorian
Member
(05-13-2013, 01:53 AM)
Sorian's Avatar
Yup, I'm ok with this being the OT too. Done and done.
Venfayth
Member
(05-13-2013, 01:55 AM)
Venfayth's Avatar
Sow the seeds of your wisdom and I shall cultivate them with my experience.
DY_nasty
#notmine
(05-13-2013, 01:55 AM)
DY_nasty's Avatar
When most of the responses center around "how about ask your SO instead of the internet?"?

Sure
fredrancour
Member
(05-13-2013, 01:55 AM)
Congratulations on founding an OT. don't need no meta threads, just make the thread itself and see if it survives.

Hopefully we see a nice balance of productive advice and hilarious simping stories.
Pau
Member
(05-13-2013, 01:56 AM)
Pau's Avatar

Originally Posted by DY_nasty

When most of the responses center around "how about ask your SO instead of the internet?"?

Sure

What if my SO is part of the internet
Courage
Member
(05-13-2013, 01:57 AM)
Courage's Avatar
My SO is the internet.
Log4Girlz
I recently went to my friends house to check out his wii. I was generally impressed. It was larger than I expected though.
(05-13-2013, 01:58 AM)
Log4Girlz's Avatar
Even the internet won't date me
SquiddyCracker
Junior Member
(05-13-2013, 01:58 AM)
SquiddyCracker's Avatar
Kinda takes away part of the charm of a long term relationship if you don't have to learn all those things yourself, and just follow a guide with handy tips&tricks.
Without getting down and dirty, without actually going out there and riding the bike, without learning through failures, well, in my opinion, you'll never grow up.

Yes, it might be small things, that if you had learned about might have saved you some trouble, but if you go unscathed through relationships, and encounter a big problem - one to which there are no answers out there on the internet - then you're left with no personal experience you might take advantage of and extrapolate from.

With that said, kudos, OP.
DY_nasty
#notmine
(05-13-2013, 01:58 AM)
DY_nasty's Avatar

Originally Posted by Pau

What if my SO is part of the internet

Put it all in the open.

That's what the world wants.
Nappuccino
Member
(05-13-2013, 01:59 AM)
Nappuccino's Avatar
I'm not sure I want to make that kind of investment with a thread.
Insane Metal
Received Internet Coal
(05-13-2013, 01:59 AM)
Insane Metal's Avatar

Originally Posted by Courage

My SO is the internet.

That's just sad. Mine too :(
FUBAR McDangles
Member
(05-13-2013, 01:59 AM)
FUBAR McDangles's Avatar
Just passed a year and three months with my girlfriend. Still going strong.
MThanded
Member
(05-13-2013, 01:59 AM)
MThanded's Avatar

Originally Posted by SquiddyCracker

Kinda takes away part of the charm of a long term relationship if you don't have to learn all those things yourself, and just follow a guide with handy tips&tricks.
Without getting down and dirty, without actually going out there and riding the bike, without learning through failures, well, in my opinion, you'll never grow up.

With that said, kudos, OP.

Sometimes people end up finding out way too late and they end the relationship.
Pau
Member
(05-13-2013, 02:00 AM)
Pau's Avatar

Originally Posted by Log4Girlz

Even the internet won't date me

Well, that's probably because it's dating Courage. You don't want to be a homewrecker do you?

Oh wait I just remembered who I'm talking to. >:(
Order
Member
(05-13-2013, 02:00 AM)
Order's Avatar
I thought you were asking us if we wanted to date you
Lissar
Reluctant Member
(05-13-2013, 02:01 AM)
Lissar's Avatar

Originally Posted by Pau

What if my SO is part of the internet

You guys should have arguments, like, in this thread.

Do iiiiiiiiit.
Courage
Member
(05-13-2013, 02:02 AM)
Courage's Avatar

Originally Posted by Log4Girlz

Even the internet won't date me

Back off, bro
SquiddyCracker
Junior Member
(05-13-2013, 02:02 AM)
SquiddyCracker's Avatar

Originally Posted by MThanded

Sometimes people end up finding out way too late and they end the relationship.

Having been there myself, I honestly think that might be a price worth paying.
The relationship might fail, but if you manage to turn it into a lesson then I think that lesson remains with you in a stronger capacity than if you had just learned it from a text book - which might benefit your next relationship so much better.

Just my 50 cents, not for everyone.
criesofthepast
Overdue ROH inductees:
Pavel Bure
Sergio Momesso
Kirk MacLean's wife
(05-13-2013, 02:02 AM)
criesofthepast's Avatar
9 years bro? When you gonna lock that down?
MThanded
Member
(05-13-2013, 02:03 AM)
MThanded's Avatar

Originally Posted by criesofthepast

9 years bro? When you gonna lock that down?

When I finish my PhD. We have been long distance for the last 4 years. We see each other every 2 to 3 weeks. She is working on her MD/PhD 4 hours away.
SquiddyCracker
Junior Member
(05-13-2013, 02:05 AM)
SquiddyCracker's Avatar

Originally Posted by MThanded

When I finish my PhD. We have been long distance for the last 4 years. We see each other every 2 to 3 weeks. She is working on her MD/PhD 4 hours away.

Long distance is tough, good job bro for keeping it up for that long.
Stellactic
Member
(05-13-2013, 02:05 AM)
Stellactic's Avatar
Can we make a long term single OT instead?
PS3GamerKyle
Member
(05-13-2013, 02:06 AM)
PS3GamerKyle's Avatar

Originally Posted by MThanded

When I finish my PhD. We have been long distance for the last 4 years. We see each other every 2 to 3 weeks. She is working on her MD/PhD 4 hours away.

Good for you guys. That's great.
MThanded
Member
(05-13-2013, 02:08 AM)
MThanded's Avatar

Originally Posted by SquiddyCracker

Long distance is tough, good job bro for keeping it up for that long.

Originally Posted by PS3GamerKyle

Good for you guys. That's great.

It can be done but its not easy. Both people have to want the relationship when you have 250 miles separating you the majority of the time.
SquiddyCracker
Junior Member
(05-13-2013, 02:09 AM)
SquiddyCracker's Avatar

Originally Posted by MThanded

It can be done but its not easy. Both people have to want the relationship when you have 250 miles separating you the majority of the time.

It's a good test for the relationship.
If it doesn't work out, then maybe that's for the best; if it does, then that means you really want to make it work.
NathanMcMahon
Banned
(05-13-2013, 02:11 AM)
NathanMcMahon's Avatar

Originally Posted by MThanded

It can be done but its not easy. Both people have to want the relationship when you have 250 miles separating you the majority of the time.

I feel ya. The past few years my partner and I have been separated by an ocean for a good part of the year. This year I'l be on her side for most of the time so it's nice to finally get to that point. But if it wasn't for our 6 years in a solid relationship beforehand it wouldn't have been possible.
Lissar
Reluctant Member
(05-13-2013, 02:12 AM)
Lissar's Avatar
All of my relationships have been long term, though mostly through my own stubbornness than the actual relationships deserving the time and effort I put into them.

It kind of feels obvious to say this (but maybe it isn't for some people?) long term relationships need communication, honesty, and a little bit (or perhaps a lot?) of stubbornness on both sides.

Sadly, it's easier to say than it is to practice. If you lack one of those things it's going to fall through. If I had been honest with myself in some of my past relationships, I could have nipped them in the bud before they became long term. Ah well, hindsight.
MThanded
Member
(05-13-2013, 02:15 AM)
MThanded's Avatar

Originally Posted by Lissar

All of my relationships have been long term, though mostly through my own stubbornness than the actual relationships deserving the time and effort I put into them.

It kind of feels obvious to say this (but maybe it isn't for some people?) long term relationships need communication, honesty, and a little bit (or perhaps a lot?) of stubbornness on both sides.

Sadly, it's easier to say than it is to practice. If you lack one of those things it's going to fall through. If I had been honest with myself in some of my past relationships, I could have nipped them in the bud before they became long term. Ah well, hindsight.

Your last point here is really key. It's important that the people in the relationship don't stop growing as individuals. There should be room for disagreement and alternate opinions. Commonly people take this as a problem but it is really the key to having a healthy relationship.
valeo
Member
(05-13-2013, 02:18 AM)

Originally Posted by MThanded

Your last point here is really key. It's important that the people in the relationship don't stop growing as individuals. There should be room for disagreement and alternate opinions. Commonly people take this as a problem but it is really the key to having a healthy relationship.

When you first go out you feel like you need to agree with everything to have common ground - I agree that as time goes on you need to accept each others individuality, though, or it wont work.

Coming up to 1 1/2 years with my gf. Getting to the stage where we are talking long-term and I don't know whether i'm scared or excited.
CrudeDiatribe
Member
(05-13-2013, 02:21 AM)
CrudeDiatribe's Avatar

Originally Posted by SquiddyCracker

Kinda takes away part of the charm of a long term relationship if you don't have to learn all those things yourself, and just follow a guide with handy tips&tricks.

No guide is going to do all the work for you, but reading about others' terrible mistakes can help.


Originally Posted by criesofthepast

9 years bro? When you gonna lock that down?

... as if getting married somehow improves the chances of long-term success.


12 years of unwedded bliss here.
MThanded
Member
(05-13-2013, 02:24 AM)
MThanded's Avatar

Originally Posted by CrudeDiatribe

No guide is going to do all the work for you, but reading about others' terrible mistakes can help.




... as if getting married somehow improves the chances of long-term success.


12 years of unwedded bliss here.

It's funny you say this. So many people think that getting married is somehow going to save a relationship that is failing or bring people closer together(like some sort of bandage). It's not going to do any of those things.
MThanded
Member
(05-13-2013, 02:39 AM)
MThanded's Avatar

Originally Posted by valeo

When you first go out you feel like you need to agree with everything to have common ground - I agree that as time goes on you need to accept each others individuality, though, or it wont work.

Coming up to 1 1/2 years with my gf. Getting to the stage where we are talking long-term and I don't know whether i'm scared or excited.

Be excited. I can truly say I love my SO more than I ever have. Getting to know someone on that level is very rewarding.
PseudoKirby
Member
(05-13-2013, 02:42 AM)
PseudoKirby's Avatar
There arent going to be a whole lot of people that fit into that definition of long term


I am only going on 4 years myself.
MThanded
Member
(05-13-2013, 02:44 AM)
MThanded's Avatar

Originally Posted by PseudoKirby

There arent going to be a whole lot of people that fit into that definition of long term


I am only going on 4 years myself.

My relationship is not the lower limit by any means. The term "long term" i very fluid.

4 years is a long time. Nothing to discount.
Dark Octave
bE in Litrit is fo sukas
(05-13-2013, 02:48 AM)
Dark Octave's Avatar
I'm going on 13 years with my wife, 3 married, 12 living together 1 1/2 with a kid.

We have similar interests and beliefs, are both pretty mellow irl and hardly argue.
cuevas, PhD.
Member
(05-13-2013, 02:50 AM)
cuevas, PhD.'s Avatar
I someday hope to have a great relationship like the one in house of cards.
entrement
Member
(05-13-2013, 02:50 AM)
entrement's Avatar

Originally Posted by Stellactic

Can we make a long term single OT instead?

Isn't that the Dating thread?
Bamelin
PlayStation MVP
(05-13-2013, 02:51 AM)
Bamelin's Avatar
I'm coming up on year 10 of marriage, year 13 since we met.

#1. Lock them in before you lose your hair and gain a bunch of weight.

#2. Early on in the relationship (assuming you are both in your early 20s) ask them what they want to do in terms of long term career goals. For reference mine said she wanted to be a Registered Nurse. If the career goal does not lead to stable employment move on. The reason for this is:

#3. Money matters

#4. Go on vacations with your partner and go often (twice a year ideally). Those times you will remember the most, not sitting at work

#5. Create a personal "space" for each other where you live. I'd go crazy if I didn't have my man area.

I'm sure there's lots more but those are some pointers.
Last edited by Bamelin; 05-13-2013 at 03:07 AM.
neojubei
Will drop pants for Sony.
(05-13-2013, 02:51 AM)
neojubei's Avatar
I wish I was in a relationship
MThanded
Member
(05-13-2013, 02:59 AM)
MThanded's Avatar

Originally Posted by cuevas, PhD.

I someday hope to have a great relationship like the one in house of cards.

They have an interesting relationship. They have definitely grown as individuals. However, they also end up subverting each other in some unhealthy ways.
Deathmistress
Member
(05-13-2013, 03:05 AM)
Deathmistress's Avatar
8 year relationship here. There have definitely been some rocky times, but the key really is communication. Both people have to be able to listen and understand where the other is coming from. And money does matter, we did college together and it was stressful hell. Being out and having stable jobs helps tremendously. It'll be nice to have an OT for people with long-term questions and solutions :)
Currygan
Member
(05-13-2013, 03:19 AM)
Currygan's Avatar
sure, why not? So we can lie to each other telling how much we still love our fiance and find the sex super exciting :D


approaching sixth year here. I see all her flaws, some of them are annoying, but she's me world
Dr. Feel Good
Member
(05-13-2013, 03:26 AM)
Dr. Feel Good's Avatar
Started dating my girlfriend long distance (7 hours away), and we managed to do it for a year and half. We've been living together now for 6 months now however. Honestly I never thought it was that difficult. Helps we're both pretty trusting, easy going people.
MThanded
Member
(05-13-2013, 04:48 AM)
MThanded's Avatar
I need to get a mod to change the title
Log4Girlz
I recently went to my friends house to check out his wii. I was generally impressed. It was larger than I expected though.
(05-13-2013, 06:10 AM)
Log4Girlz's Avatar

Originally Posted by Courage

Back off, bro

I've been here since '06...you haven't even reached the age of consent.
Groof
Member
(05-13-2013, 06:17 AM)
Groof's Avatar
Yo let me get in on this. Me and the girl have been together for a little over 1 and a half year, where the majority of that has been long distance. We've always been countries apart (at first Sweden/Korea and now Sweden/Ireland, where she's studying English) and being poor students we've barely been able to see each other.
I see so much positivity in this thread and it makes me feel a bit better about it all, but damn this shit is rough. Though we did just get out of a huge argument last night, might still be on edge.

edit: you know what, i read the title as long distance. that's what mornings do to you. but eh, my post still stands, this is my first relationship that's gone on this "long."
Last edited by Groof; 05-13-2013 at 06:22 AM.
wenis
Registered for GAF on September 11, 2001.
(05-13-2013, 06:18 AM)
wenis's Avatar
Long term? Is that like... 8 months?
shanshan310
Member
(05-13-2013, 06:22 AM)
shanshan310's Avatar
Almost six years now :D

Originally Posted by MThanded

When I finish my PhD. We have been long distance for the last 4 years. We see each other every 2 to 3 weeks. She is working on her MD/PhD 4 hours away.

So jelly. When boyfriend and I did long distance it was a four month block of not seeing each other at all. We're going to be long distance again for part of next year but hopefully he can come visit this time. Its still tough though. I hope you graduate soon!

Thread Tools