NeoGAF

And praising its good bits. Truly a good read.

Since its release, Grand Theft Auto V has become one of the biggest critical and commercial successes in any media. It made more than a half-billion dollars in its first week, and its Metacritic rating of 97 means we agree as a people that it's perfect. Its online launch and iOS companion game were a disaster, but everything's online launch and iOS companion game are disasters. The whole point of the Internet is to destroy what you love, which is what I'm about to do, here. Here are the five best but also worst parts of GTA 5.

GTA V criticizes American culture with all the elegance of a grumpy pastor watching his first reality show. Missions have you acting as a paparazzo to catch a wholesome actress with a dong up her ass, massacring hallucinations after too much marijuana, and terrorizing immigrants. Most media outlets praise the game for outrageously mocking every aspect of Los Angeles, but it mocks them without any understanding or tact. If you held a gun to the head of the most secluded Eskimo seal farmer and said, "List California stereotypes," you would not be able to distinguish his list from a GTA V Mission FAQ.

http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-things...actually-suck/

As always, Seanbaby is hilarious.

Speaking of Franklin, this game was written by a bunch of white people in the UK. Should he really be saying the N-word this much? I swear he once said it six times in two sentences. In my life, the only time I ever heard six N-words in two sentences was when my grandparents helped each other remember Sammy Sosa's name.

I literally cried.

Real talk: Seanbaby is at his best when he's not talking about video games.

Eskimo seal farmer? What kind of terrible writing is that?

He's spot on about the humor. 90% of the jokes on the radio and in a bunch of the side missions consist of a dumb one dimensional stereotype of a thing flat out saying "I'm dumb and conform to this stereotype!"

This is the ultimate pot and kettle situation.

Personally, I think the word "controversy" is just a warning that nearby idiots are about to turn their confusion into arguments.

Amazing.

Cracked doesn't work on any device in my immediate area. Keeps spamming the message page cannot be displayed in my phone till I force quit. Anyone get this problem?

Glad to see Seanbaby hasn't lost his touch. He's only gotten better.

Originally Posted by EdibleKnife

As always, Seanbaby is hilarious.



I literally cried.

Coming from New Orleans (lotta black people here) Franklin's use of the n-word seemed accurate, though i've never been to LA.

To be more clear, let's say there are four things that make a great lover*. Most people might prefer dating a beautiful woman even after finding out her chicken is objectively better at all of them. So I'm not saying you're wrong if you disagree with my thoughts on GTA V; I'm only saying you're a chicken fucker.

*All four of them are inches, ladies.

Flawless.

this was pretty terrible. is this guy a parody of 90s extreme internet dudes

Grand Theft Auto V's writers read the instructions on a rape kit and decided they knew everything they needed to know about women and comedy.

Goddamn :lol

I agree 100% about the humor in the game. They really beat you over the head to make sure it's impossible to miss what they're saying. That's the exact opposite of what they should have done.

Hahaha nice. That was a great read.

Originally Posted by gryz

this was pretty terrible. is this guy a parody of 90s extreme internet dudes

How can you not know who Seanbaby is? He's been around forever in internet time.

Oh man... Seanbaby makes me want to dig up my old EGMs. His articles and the Hsu and Chan strips were the best!

its Metacritic rating of 97 means we agree as a people that it's perfect. Its online launch and iOS companion game were a disaster, but everything's online launch and iOS companion game are disasters.

there aren't enough "no" gifs in the world for this...

The writer does realize he's writing for Cracked, right? Also, there's nothing wrong with a game being a little juvenile. I'm sick and tired of boring fucks telling me what I should enjoy and what I shouldn't because it's not on par with their dull standards.

Originally Posted by Guerilla

The writer does realize he's writing for Cracked, right? Also, there's nothing wrong with a game being a little juvenile. I'm sick and tired of boring fucks telling me what I should enjoy and what I shouldn't because it's not on par with their dull standards.

Wow, dat irony

Loved the article; Seanbaby...when he's on, he's on.

I found GTAV funny. And of course they're gonna use the most noticeable stereotypes for the game because it needs to be things that people from all around the world have to recognize. Most people have never actually been to LA or know much about it.

How are some people getting worked up over Cracked? It's Cracked.

He's right on about the game's humor.

Never really played a video game for the story.

Originally Posted by Guerilla

The writer does realize he's writing for Cracked, right? Also, there's nothing wrong with a game being a little juvenile. I'm sick and tired of boring fucks telling me what I should enjoy and what I shouldn't because it's not on par with their dull standards.

:lol

Originally Posted by EmCeeGramr

He's spot on about the humor. 90% of the jokes on the radio and in a bunch of the side missions consist of a dumb one dimensional stereotype of a thing flat out saying "I'm dumb and conform to this stereotype!"

Yeah, absolutely. If they had any wit they'd realise they can't just have a character say something like 'I'm a hot, dumb daddy's girl who is completely self-centered and materialistic', they should say something that implies that. The humour was much better in the PS2 era games, where you didn't have conceited dickheads just blithely pointing out that's what they were. That's a wasted joke.

It's a great game but the writing is dreadful. Playing that game is like going to an amazing penthouse apartment party full of cool, interesting and beautiful people, brilliant music playing and there's an open bar. However the host is an obnoxious idiot who you keep coming across telling insight-free 'politically incorrect' jokes about very soft targets, and never does the lack of response and visible disgust of his guests succeed in penetrating his aura of self-satisfaction.

Rather than try harder next time, I hope Rockstar just try to cut the jokes down by 80% and make it a huge sandbox game in a realistic location rather than a witless so-called satirical version of a real place. The jokes were marginally better in GTA4 but they still gelled very badly with the rest of the game.

Originally Posted by BearPawB

This is the ultimate pot and kettle situation.

No, this post is.

Originally Posted by Kimosabae

No, this post is.

No this post is

Or wait...is this very post it?

its Metacritic rating of 97 means we agree as a people that it's perfect

oh you <3

Originally Posted by EmCeeGramr

He's spot on about the humor. 90% of the jokes on the radio and in a bunch of the side missions consist of a dumb one dimensional stereotype of a thing flat out saying "I'm dumb and conform to this stereotype!"

exactly. gets old after a while.

when will there be a gta with clever writing? it feels like the general dumb stand-up comedy material. give us something that's witty and clever.

The brash satire is what's best about GTA. It's the punk attitude that makes it; it doesn't care for subtlety, it just bashes you in the face repeatedly with its bluntness. I love it.

Originally Posted by The Technomancer

No this post is

Or wait...is this very post it?

Goddamn it.

I read this last night, the asterisk left me laughing for a good minute.

I don't want to listen 98725987 hours worth of subtle british wit, but i can easily listen to that many hours of Houser being an asshole about every aspect of the subject matter they're dealing with.

It's not like they resort to memes and punch-pulling everyman humor like a lot of games. for example, if you criticize GTAV but think Borderlands 2 is hilarious, you might just have shitty taste in humor.

Originally Posted by eXistor

The brash satire is what's best about GTA. It's the punk attitude that makes it; it doesn't care for subtlety, it just bashes you in the face repeatedly with its bluntness. I love it.

Brash humor can still be clever which GTAV is not.

I read this last night over dinner, and re read it again this morning. Some wonderful observations and lines from Seanbaby within.

Though many of the comments below the article are truly painful to read.

The stuff he says in point 4. Size. Is absolutely spot on. GTA5 is the most detailed, and probably one of the biggest open world games ever. And it full of nothing

Originally Posted by w00twood

Yeah, absolutely. If they had any wit they'd realise they can't just have a character say something like 'I'm a hot, dumb daddy's girl who is completely self-centered and materialistic', they should say something that implies that. The humour was much better in the PS2 era games, where you didn't have conceited dickheads just blithely pointing out that's what they were. That's a wasted joke.

It's a great game but the writing is dreadful. Playing that game is like going to an amazing penthouse apartment party full of cool, interesting and beautiful people, brilliant music playing and there's an open bar. However the host is an obnoxious idiot who you keep coming across telling insight-free 'politically incorrect' jokes about very soft targets, and never does the lack of response and visible disgust of his guests succeed in penetrating his aura of self-satisfaction.

Rather than try harder next time, I hope Rockstar just try to cut the jokes down by 80% and make it a huge sandbox game in a realistic location rather than a witless so-called satirical version of a real place. The jokes were marginally better in GTA4 but they still gelled very badly with the rest of the game.

"Hey, I'm a skittish lawyer that does cocaine"

"Hey, I'm a obese gang banger that's lazy"

"Hey, I'm a paranoid pot grower that believes in government conspiracies"

I found GTA V much funnier than past GTA's when it came to dialog and characterization, whereas the past GTA's had wittier atmospheres/enviroments.

Even the most tired jokes can be funny is the delivery is good. I haven't played GTA V yet, but I have seen some pictures that were funny to me (if not also pretty offensive lol).

Originally Posted by Neiteio

Oh man... Seanbaby makes me want to dig up my old EGMs. His articles and the Hsu and Chan strips were the best!

Reading EGMs in my school library would kill me because I had to hold in laughing out loud. It is crazy now to think of me laughing so hard from a magazine, in public no less. I really loved those Seanbaby articles.

Originally Posted by w00twood

Yeah, absolutely. If they had any wit they'd realise they can't just have a character say something like 'I'm a hot, dumb daddy's girl who is completely self-centered and materialistic', they should say something that implies that. The humour was much better in the PS2 era games, where you didn't have conceited dickheads just blithely pointing out that's what they were. That's a wasted joke.

Wait, I thought Seanbaby was joking when he said that there was something like that in game that was said?

Are you kidding me? Pointing out something is dumb by having a character saying 'I'm dumb!' is the laziest form of shitty comedy writing. It's not clever. It's not witty. It's not even particularly funny. It's demonstrating the observational skills of a ten year old with slightly above-average intelligence.

I had heard from friends (and media) that GTAV was a clever parody of LA and modern life, and was going to try out a GTA game for the first time since PS1, but if that's the actual kind of stuff they use as 'humor' I'll stick with newspaper comics.

Loved the article and agreed with everything the writer said I've been thinking the same things since the game came out.

Loved this bit:

Finding your way around is easy! You simply press pause and wait for a short loading screen to finish. This will bring up your map. Scroll along the map with your thumbstick for a moment before you remember this isn't actually the map. It's only the menu option for the map. Press A to go to the actual map and search for your destination. If your destination is too far away and you'd rather play the game instead of driving across it, exit out of the map and open your smart phone. Slowly scroll down your contact list since quickly isn't an option. Press A to call a taxi. Let it ring until a dispatcher picks up. If you are not playing the black character, a taxi will arrive 15 to 30 seconds later. It will be approximately one block from you, so look for it in the center of an exploding traffic jam it caused. It may start confusedly fleeing the crime scene, so tap the sprint button before it gets away. If you're not hit by emergency vehicles, you may be able to catch it! Now, simply scroll through the 75 possible locations until you find the one you want! While the taxi begins its long journey, it is the perfect time to ask your screaming spouse, parents, or children why you can't do just one god damn mission.

Originally Posted by w00twood

The old games had just as many dumb stereotypes as GTA5 but you know those lines you wrote are exaggerated, whereas things exactly like that are in the Housers' most recent offering.

What are you talking about? The characterization in past GTA's is razor thin. Ken Rosenburg is a coked up lawyer that's cowardly, that's his entire character. Big Smoke, without spoiling anything, is a obese gang banger who is lazy and for the most part cowardly.

The PS2 era of GTA's aren't uproariously hilarious, the idea that they were is some thick nostalgia.

Originally Posted by Guerrillas in the Mist

I agree 100% about the game's humour. It is sometimes funny, but more often than not it feels like it has to beat you over the head with the fact that its satire. The fact that basically all of the named female characters are written as unlikeable, hypocritical walking stereotypes (in the name of "satire", obviously) made me more than a little uneasy, too.

The same exact thing could be said for every single male character.

Originally Posted by Guerilla

The writer does realize he's writing for Cracked, right? Also, there's nothing wrong with a game being a little juvenile. I'm sick and tired of boring fucks telling me what I should enjoy and what I shouldn't because it's not on par with their dull standards.

you need new friends.

Originally Posted by Crimsonclaw111

How are some people getting worked up over Cracked? It's Cracked.

gotta defend gtav's honor. the comments to that article are quite funny.

Originally Posted by Cracked

You have a better chance of finding a crate of guns on a real roof than on a GTA V roof.

Hilarious because it's true.