And now, from Anthony Jeselnik's twitter (sorry in advance, shit is dark).
RIP Paul Walker. The brightest candles burn up in cars.
Batkid never gets old.
I highly recommend Eli's Dirty Jokes on youtube.
Most of them aren't even super dirty but it's good material.
Mostly I just like the nice sounding old dude and his delivery (which is often bad but whatever!).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEW5...g&noredirect=1
Most of them aren't even super dirty but it's good material.
Mostly I just like the nice sounding old dude and his delivery (which is often bad but whatever!).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEW5...g&noredirect=1
Have you heard the joke about the baby with AIDS? It never gets old.
A prostitute to her client after they've had sex:
- I got AIDS, you're fucked.
- No, you're fucked. I'm a leper and I left it in there.
- I got AIDS, you're fucked.
- No, you're fucked. I'm a leper and I left it in there.
So Jack and Tom were twins. One day they're eating their grandmother out, and one turns to the other and says:
"Hey, what's that smell?"
"I don't know", the other replies, sniffing around. "Smells like horse cock to me."
"Huh", he replies as he goes back to work. "Hey, do you suppose that's what killed her?"
"Hey, what's that smell?"
"I don't know", the other replies, sniffing around. "Smells like horse cock to me."
"Huh", he replies as he goes back to work. "Hey, do you suppose that's what killed her?"
Welp. That oughta do it for me! Goodnight!This guy is banging a five dollar whore, but he's not enjoying it at all - her vagina feels like teeth and sandpaper. He says, "I know you're working pretty cheap here, but this is really awful." She says, " No problem. I can fix that, but it's gonna cost you another five bucks." He pays her again, she goes into the bathroom, comes back out a few minutes later and they start doing it again. He enjoys himself, and afterward asks her what she did in the bathroom. She replied, "For the extra five I picked the scabs."
That's the dirtiest joke I can think of that isn't about having sex with children.
What a weak OP...
"Hey! Tell the dirtiest/filthiest/most politically incorrect joke you know!" ... .... "but no racism or misogyny."
... "Here's a racist joke about the Irish!"
***
They're jokes. That said, I expect this thread will be closed soon. I've read some good stuff in here! Thanks, guys.
"Hey! Tell the dirtiest/filthiest/most politically incorrect joke you know!" ... .... "but no racism or misogyny."
... "Here's a racist joke about the Irish!"
***
They're jokes. That said, I expect this thread will be closed soon. I've read some good stuff in here! Thanks, guys.
Did anyone tell this joke yet?
What's the best thing about banging twenty two years olds?
There's 20 of them!
/going to hell
What's the best thing about banging twenty two years olds?
There's 20 of them!
/going to hell
Made me laugh way too much.Are there any jokes that you love, but would never tell in polite company? Post them here.
Nothing racist or misogynistic, please. By racist, I mean anything making fun of a racial minority. Red-haired people are not a minority.
A guy gets on a bus and finds himself sitting across from a beautiful young nun. Enamored with her, he asks if she would ever be interested in him. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of any way for him to get with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to sleep with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him that it must be anal. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"
My grandfather said my generation was too reliant on technology, so I pulled the plug on his life support to prove him wrong.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None.
A woman and her husband are in the emergency room and the woman has just given birth. As soon as the baby comes out the doctor rushes it out of the room and performs various tests. He comes back in and says, "There's good news and bad news. What do you want to hear first?" The mother says, "Bad news first, then good".
The doctor says, "The bad news is, your baby's a ginger".
The mother laughed. "Well, alright! What's the good news?"
"The good news is, it's dead".
I had a joke about Jonestown, but the punchline was too long.
And holy crap! :lolThis guy is banging a five dollar whore, but he's not enjoying it at all - her vagina feels like teeth and sandpaper. He says, "I know you're working pretty cheap here, but this is really awful." She says, " No problem. I can fix that, but it's gonna cost you another five bucks." He pays her again, she goes into the bathroom, comes back out a few minutes later and they start doing it again. He enjoys himself, and afterward asks her what she did in the bathroom. She replied, "For the extra five I picked the scabs."
That's the dirtiest joke I can think of that isn't about having sex with children.
Last edited by NaotaFakuza; Today at 04:58 AM.
I think the funniest thing in this thread is that the OP is getting offended at some of the more milder jokes (relative to some others here).
What do you call a 2nd Grader with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor
A Sandy Hook survivor
The kids at Sandy Hook were expecting to get new books
but ended up getting magazines instead.
but ended up getting magazines instead.
My favorite dark joke is rather silly and not that dark, but it is basicaly
Cinderella was sad because she could not go to the party to meet the prince.
"What is the matter ?" said the Fairy Godmother
"I am menstruating and there is only a white dress" said Cinderella.
"I can fix that !" said the Fairy Godmother
And then, when the clock gave the12th song, Cinderella died
Yeah, "light grey" at best =P
Dark jokes are like dead babies, they never grow old
Cinderella was sad because she could not go to the party to meet the prince.
"What is the matter ?" said the Fairy Godmother
"I am menstruating and there is only a white dress" said Cinderella.
"I can fix that !" said the Fairy Godmother
And then, when the clock gave the12th song, Cinderella died
Yeah, "light grey" at best =P
Saw on twitter these days :Originally Posted by Fury Sense
Since DB jokes seem to offend everyone equally...
How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?
Nail its other foot to the ground.
What's black and taps on glass?
Baby in a microwave
What's worse than swinging a baby around a clothesline?
Stopping it with a shovel.
What's worse than one baby in a garbage can?
One baby in five garbage cans.
What's the difference between a pile of dead babies an a ferrari?
I don't move my ferrari with a pitchfork.
How can you fit 10 babies in a bucket?
With a blender.
How do you get them out?
With tortilla chips.
What's the hardest part of the process?
My cock.
Dark jokes are like dead babies, they never grow old
It's not a joke in the "traditional" sense. It's not really about the punch line. It's really about how ridiculous of an ad-libber you can be, and being filthy and obscene just for the sake of it. The strength of the joke relies on the talent of the person telling it.Originally Posted by leadbelly
It is, but I don't think it is a particularly good joke. It has such a weak punchline.
You actually botched the setup on that one. You're supposed to ask, "What's worse than five babies in a garbage can?"Originally Posted by Fury Sense
What's worse than one baby in a garbage can?
One baby in five garbage cans.
Last edited by ZealousD; Today at 05:09 AM.
Damn I knew that guy looked familiar. I wasn't sure at first, but image source confirms. That was random and strange.eh most of the dark/ filthy jokes I know are racist.
Why was Jesus popular with the Ladies?
Because he was hung like this....
I know more but their long and I don't feel like typing all of it.
What did one tampon say to the other?
Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches
Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches
Holy shit...Only one so far I hadn't heard.Originally Posted by CrudeDiatribe
So Jack and Tom were twins. One day they're eating their grandmother out, and one turns to the other and says:
"Hey, what's that smell?"
"I don't know", the other replies, sniffing around. "Smells like horse cock to me."
"Huh", he replies as he goes back to work. "Hey, do you suppose that's what killed her?"
Why was the domestic violence victim offended by the comedian's domestic violence jokes?
They hit too close to home
They hit too close to home
gimme some of that "black man dap"! hey, where are you all going? guys? guys
(Today, 05:31 AM)
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken.
Christopher Walken.
OMG. This is my new favourite thread.
What is 12 inches long and can make a grown woman cry?
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
---------------------------------------------------------------
A guy's wife has been in a coma for months.
While the nurse is cleaning her one day, she accidentally brushes over the wife's pubic hair in a rather sensual fashion, which for the first time triggers a noticable reaction from her.
Excited, the nurse goes over and tells the doctor about it, who in turn invites over the husband to share the good news.
"This is a really positive development! it's the first time ever we've gotten such a strong reaction from her!
Since she reacted so well to a subtle touch from our nurse, perhaps as her husband you'd like to try something a little more... adventurous with her?
If you tried giving her some oral sex for instance, maybe she would snap out of her coma completely!"
Excited, the doctor and nurse leave the husband alone with his wife in the room, so they can get a little "private time" together.
After a few minutes, alarms throughout the hospital start ringing like crazy.
Terrified, doctors and nurses run back to the room to see what happened.
They find the wife flatlined, and the husband awkwardly turns to them while pulling up his pants and says "Oh shit, I think I choked her :/ "
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
---------------------------------------------------------------
A guy's wife has been in a coma for months.
While the nurse is cleaning her one day, she accidentally brushes over the wife's pubic hair in a rather sensual fashion, which for the first time triggers a noticable reaction from her.
Excited, the nurse goes over and tells the doctor about it, who in turn invites over the husband to share the good news.
"This is a really positive development! it's the first time ever we've gotten such a strong reaction from her!
Since she reacted so well to a subtle touch from our nurse, perhaps as her husband you'd like to try something a little more... adventurous with her?
If you tried giving her some oral sex for instance, maybe she would snap out of her coma completely!"
Excited, the doctor and nurse leave the husband alone with his wife in the room, so they can get a little "private time" together.
After a few minutes, alarms throughout the hospital start ringing like crazy.
Terrified, doctors and nurses run back to the room to see what happened.
They find the wife flatlined, and the husband awkwardly turns to them while pulling up his pants and says "Oh shit, I think I choked her :/ "
A nerd who has always had trouble being taken seriously by women is at his wits end one night and decides he wants to finally lose his virginity, one way or another.
He walks into a brothel and - being unable to afford the higher priced escorts, opts for a $12 hooker who - remarkably, looks just as good as any of the higher priced merchandise. The $12 hooker escorts the now very nervous young man round back and they get to business. Sensing his anxiousness, the hooker walks him through each step; she methodically tells him what she's doing before doing it, instructing him and allowing him to feel in control of the situation at every turn, easing him in.
'Wow!' he says with a newly inflated sense of sexual confidence in himself, 'That was the greatest experience I've ever had. Thank you!'. He pays his $12 and leaves, thinking how odd it was that a woman as pretty and patient as this could go for so cheap.
The nerd tells all his nerd friends and they all share the same experience - walking around with a new sense of confidence and an inflated sense of ego that sees them talking up their sexual prowess to other women.
Upon visiting the brothel for the second time, the nerd looks for his special $12 hooker and finds that she now costs $100.
Not having that much cash on him, the nerd asks the brothel's management why she suddenly costs so much. They explain that she's become one of the more popular ladies ever since he started talking to his friends. Not wanting to settle for anything other than the same mindblowing experience of his first time around, the nerd gives them his credit card and goes into the back room with the special lady.
No longer an inexperienced virgin, the nerd confidently strips off his clothes, with excitement replacing what had once been crippling anxiety.
As they get to business, the nerd becomes perturbed by something odd. The hooker is still taking it slow with him, explaining each step to him in methodical detail, as if he were still the same inexperienced virgin he were some time ago. He tries to ignore it, but eventually realizes that some of the things she's saying - though comforting, don't make any sense. This hooker is actually kind of dumb, whilst still being very beautiful.
So distracted by this revelation, he goes limp and eventually leaves the room embarrassed - his confidence shattered once more.
Weeks pass by and the nerd is back where he started - miserable and alone. He he receives his credit card bill and - going through it, finds a $100 charge for a Christopher Nolan movie.
He walks into a brothel and - being unable to afford the higher priced escorts, opts for a $12 hooker who - remarkably, looks just as good as any of the higher priced merchandise. The $12 hooker escorts the now very nervous young man round back and they get to business. Sensing his anxiousness, the hooker walks him through each step; she methodically tells him what she's doing before doing it, instructing him and allowing him to feel in control of the situation at every turn, easing him in.
'Wow!' he says with a newly inflated sense of sexual confidence in himself, 'That was the greatest experience I've ever had. Thank you!'. He pays his $12 and leaves, thinking how odd it was that a woman as pretty and patient as this could go for so cheap.
The nerd tells all his nerd friends and they all share the same experience - walking around with a new sense of confidence and an inflated sense of ego that sees them talking up their sexual prowess to other women.
Upon visiting the brothel for the second time, the nerd looks for his special $12 hooker and finds that she now costs $100.
Not having that much cash on him, the nerd asks the brothel's management why she suddenly costs so much. They explain that she's become one of the more popular ladies ever since he started talking to his friends. Not wanting to settle for anything other than the same mindblowing experience of his first time around, the nerd gives them his credit card and goes into the back room with the special lady.
No longer an inexperienced virgin, the nerd confidently strips off his clothes, with excitement replacing what had once been crippling anxiety.
As they get to business, the nerd becomes perturbed by something odd. The hooker is still taking it slow with him, explaining each step to him in methodical detail, as if he were still the same inexperienced virgin he were some time ago. He tries to ignore it, but eventually realizes that some of the things she's saying - though comforting, don't make any sense. This hooker is actually kind of dumb, whilst still being very beautiful.
So distracted by this revelation, he goes limp and eventually leaves the room embarrassed - his confidence shattered once more.
Weeks pass by and the nerd is back where he started - miserable and alone. He he receives his credit card bill and - going through it, finds a $100 charge for a Christopher Nolan movie.
Last edited by Scullibundo; Today at 06:26 AM.
What's the difference between a civil engineer and a nuclear engineer?
One builds the weapons, the other does the targets.
One builds the weapons, the other does the targets.
A woman has terminal cancer.
She sits down at the table one night and asks her husband,
"When I die, will you remarry?"
"Yes," he says.
"Will your new wife sleep in my bed?"
"Yes," he says.
"Will your new wife drive my car?"
"Yes," he says.
"Ugh, will your new wife use my golf clubs, too!?"
He paused for a moment and said,
"No, she's left-handed."
She sits down at the table one night and asks her husband,
"When I die, will you remarry?"
"Yes," he says.
"Will your new wife sleep in my bed?"
"Yes," he says.
"Will your new wife drive my car?"
"Yes," he says.
"Ugh, will your new wife use my golf clubs, too!?"
He paused for a moment and said,
"No, she's left-handed."
So I was going down on my grandma, and I taste horse semen, and I'm like "oh, that's what killed her."
I feel so wrong laughing at some of these, but some of them are quite clever.
Whats this:
Prick of a way to spend easter
What more disgusting than a pile of dead babies?
The live one at the bottom trying to eat its way out
How many surrealists does it take to change a light-bulb?
2. One to get the giraffes the other to get the multicolored power tools
What does a hooker and a pizza have in common?
Both are cheesy on top and crusty round the edges
How do Italians tell the future?
They look into the pasta
Prick of a way to spend easter
What more disgusting than a pile of dead babies?
The live one at the bottom trying to eat its way out
How many surrealists does it take to change a light-bulb?
2. One to get the giraffes the other to get the multicolored power tools
What does a hooker and a pizza have in common?
Both are cheesy on top and crusty round the edges
How do Italians tell the future?
They look into the pasta
Last edited by NinjaTehFish; Today at 07:24 AM.
What's the difference between a pimple and a priest?
A pimple won't come on your face until you're at least 13.
A pimple won't come on your face until you're at least 13.
what did the computer do at lunchtime?
had a byte
what did the spider do on the computer?
made a website
why was 6 afraid of 7?
because 7 8 9
why do girls wear makeup and perfume?
because they're ugly and they stink
had a byte
what did the spider do on the computer?
made a website
why was 6 afraid of 7?
because 7 8 9
why do girls wear makeup and perfume?
because they're ugly and they stink
A woman is shopping at the supermarket. In her shopping cart, she places one frozen dinner, one bottle of wine and a box of extra large tampons.
As she pulls up to the checkout and places the frozen dinner and bottle of wine on the counter, the man beside her asks 'Eating alone tonight?'
She replies with a smile 'Why yes, how did you know?', to which he answers 'Because you're fucking ugly.'
As she pulls up to the checkout and places the frozen dinner and bottle of wine on the counter, the man beside her asks 'Eating alone tonight?'
She replies with a smile 'Why yes, how did you know?', to which he answers 'Because you're fucking ugly.'
Why are gay men never late?
They pack their shit the night before.
They pack their shit the night before.
Why couldn't Helen Keller drive? Because she was a woman.
BECAUSE SEVEN EIGHT NINE!
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