What did the lesbian vampire say to the other?
See you next month
Ahaha okay I chuckled at a lot of these but this got the first genuine laugh.Originally Posted by Scullibundo
A woman is shopping at the supermarket. In her shopping cart, she places one frozen dinner, one bottle of wine and a box of extra large tampons.
As she pulls up to the checkout and places the frozen dinner and bottle of wine on the counter, the man beside her asks 'Eating alone tonight?'
She replies with a smile 'Why yes, how did you know?', to which he answers 'Because you're fucking ugly.'
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
What is blue, has two humps, and lives in the north pole?
A lost camel
A gummy bear!
What is blue, has two humps, and lives in the north pole?
A lost camel
.
Two brothers, Adam the elder and Dave the younger, concoct a plan to curse at the breakfast table to their mother. As they sit down the mother asks Dave what he wants for breakfast and he replies "Well damn, I don't know, Cheerios?"
The mother is shocked and grabs him by the ear, drags him to the sink to wash his mouth out, and sends Adam to the bedroom. She then turns to the younger brother to ask the same question, to which he replies, "Fuck if I know, but you can bet your sweet ass it isn't Cheerios!"
The mother is shocked and grabs him by the ear, drags him to the sink to wash his mouth out, and sends Adam to the bedroom. She then turns to the younger brother to ask the same question, to which he replies, "Fuck if I know, but you can bet your sweet ass it isn't Cheerios!"
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies
"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
I really like that one ;)
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies
"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
I really like that one ;)
Last edited by cutthroat_cupcake; Today at 11:51 AM.
How did Stevie Wonder meet his wife? Blind date.
What's the fastest thing on land? Stevie Wonder's speedboat
A man gets a call that his wife is giving birth.
He races to the hospital, and waits eagerly in the waiting room. Eventually the doctor comes out with an odd look on his face.
"What's wrong doctor? Is my baby ok? Is it a boy or a girl?"
The doctor looks up at him. "It's the damndest thing. Your baby is a miracle, sir," he says.
The doctor leads the man into a room, where the baby is laying soundly, cuddled up in a blanket.
"Your baby can float. It's amazing! Watch!" The doctor lifts the child up a couple inches from the bed, then drops it. Nothing happens.
"What are you doing?" says the man. "Let me get my child and leave!"
"No, no, no! You have to see this. It did it before!" He picks up the child again, but this time drops it onto the floor. The baby hits the ground with a solid thud.
Totally distraught, with tears in his eyes, the man pleads for the doctor to stop.
"No, no, no! He totally did it! You HAVE to see this. It's a miracle!" The doctor picks the child up off the ground, and throws it out the window. The baby falls several stories and explodes on a car!
"OH MY GOD! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?" screams the man.
"Don't worry about it. The baby was a still-born. Haha! You should have seen the look on your face!"
What's the fastest thing on land? Stevie Wonder's speedboat
A man gets a call that his wife is giving birth.
He races to the hospital, and waits eagerly in the waiting room. Eventually the doctor comes out with an odd look on his face.
"What's wrong doctor? Is my baby ok? Is it a boy or a girl?"
The doctor looks up at him. "It's the damndest thing. Your baby is a miracle, sir," he says.
The doctor leads the man into a room, where the baby is laying soundly, cuddled up in a blanket.
"Your baby can float. It's amazing! Watch!" The doctor lifts the child up a couple inches from the bed, then drops it. Nothing happens.
"What are you doing?" says the man. "Let me get my child and leave!"
"No, no, no! You have to see this. It did it before!" He picks up the child again, but this time drops it onto the floor. The baby hits the ground with a solid thud.
Totally distraught, with tears in his eyes, the man pleads for the doctor to stop.
"No, no, no! He totally did it! You HAVE to see this. It's a miracle!" The doctor picks the child up off the ground, and throws it out the window. The baby falls several stories and explodes on a car!
"OH MY GOD! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?" screams the man.
"Don't worry about it. The baby was a still-born. Haha! You should have seen the look on your face!"
what do you call a black person flying an aeroplane?
a pilot you racist
a pilot you racist
Originally Posted by thesoapster
How come Helen Keller can only masturbate with one hand?
She needs the other hand to moan.
Did you hear that Helen Keller's dog ran away?Originally Posted by Escape Goat
Why couldn't Helen Keller drive? Because she was a woman.
You would run away too if your name was AUAAGGIIYYYIIGGHHAG
What's the difference between a microwave and anal sex?
A microwave doesn't brown your meat
And my favorite race related joke. I don't think it's racist, but I've spoiler marked just in case.
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A pilot, you racist
A microwave doesn't brown your meat
And my favorite race related joke. I don't think it's racist, but I've spoiler marked just in case.
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A pilot, you racist
Linford Christie walks into a pub and asks for a pint. The barman points to a sign above the bar saying "No Black". "Sorry mate" he says. "Nothing personal, but we don't serve blacks in here." "Why not??" asked Linford. "We just don't. There's a pub ten minutes down the road that'll serve you, though." Linford is shocked.
"Don't you know who I am? I'm Linford Christie! I won a Gold medal for Great Britain sprinting at the Olympics!"
"Oh yeah!" the barman replies. "It's five minutes down the road."
"Don't you know who I am? I'm Linford Christie! I won a Gold medal for Great Britain sprinting at the Olympics!"
"Oh yeah!" the barman replies. "It's five minutes down the road."
LOL Ok that one got me good.Originally Posted by Cameron122
A girl in a wheelchair is crying in the park. A nice young man witnesses this during a jog and goes up to her.
"What's wrong dear?"
"I've never been hugged." Out of good will, he hugs her.
Next day, they meet again. She is still crying. "I've never been kissed." He kisses her.
Next day, she is still crying. "I've never been fucked."
He pushes her into traffic. "NOW YOU'RE FUCKED."
I got beat to the redneck circumcision joke, and Ethiopian jokes won't fly here, so...
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They don't know where home is.
Why doesn't Santa have any kids?
He only comes once a year and it's always down a chimney.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They don't know where home is.
Why doesn't Santa have any kids?
He only comes once a year and it's always down a chimney.
I don't get this thread.
It's okay to mock the crippled and mentally challenged, paedophilia, the victims of school shootings, homosexuals, AIDS and dead celebrities but racist/misogynist jokes are too much?
Why?
It's okay to mock the crippled and mentally challenged, paedophilia, the victims of school shootings, homosexuals, AIDS and dead celebrities but racist/misogynist jokes are too much?
Why?
Heard this on Reddit the other day. The shock value of telling it to someone is more of what's funny than the "joke". I'll censor it because it's messed up.
So I was eating my girlfriend out the other day and I tasted horse semen. I looked up and said, "Grandma, that's how you died?".
So I was eating my girlfriend out the other day and I tasted horse semen. I looked up and said, "Grandma, that's how you died?".
What's got two legs and bleeds?
half a dog
What is the only part of a vegetable you can't eat?
the wheelchair
half a dog
What is the only part of a vegetable you can't eat?
the wheelchair
What's 30cm in diameter, smells like fish and garbage and cheap?
Your mums pussy.
Your mums pussy.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
"Gag"
"Gag"
Isn't redneck jokes though sort of "racist"? From Wiki:Originally Posted by Baron von Loathsome
I got beat to the redneck circumcision joke, and Ethiopian jokes won't fly here, so...
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They don't know where home is.
Why doesn't Santa have any kids?
He only comes once a year and it's always down a chimney.
But on subject of your jokes, rofl.Redneck is a derogatory slang term used in reference to poor, uneducated white farmers, especially from the Southern United States.
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