You're the one who brought up raising children. Maybe you should start. I'm not the one having problems with letting adults choose whatever line of work they want.
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Dealing with an ex-prostitute
- Thread starter Majmun
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You're the one who brought up raising children. Maybe you should start. I'm not the one having problems with letting adults choose whatever line of work they want.
Yes you're absolutely right. Because an individual also has free will to decide what they find acceptable or not. But unfortunately this thread is about the OP's brother "dealing with an ex-prostitute". We don't know her side of the story. I just don't think people should be so judgmental about people who have seemingly promiscuous lifestyles.
I don't think the OP's bro did anything wrong there. He doesn't want to date a former whore, and that's fine. Everyone has standards. I doubt anyone here would be batting an eyelash if the GF turned into a hyper-religious Culture Warrior, and the bro didn't want to date her anymore.
Like I say in every "Dating a Porn Star/Prostitute" thread on GAF, I couldn't do it, whether it be a porn star or just a regular girl turning tricks for cash. I just couldn't date a whore/ex-whore. That's not to say I wouldn't be friends with them. But date them? Nah
These type of threads always have people tripping over themselves to prove how liberal they are.
Like I say in every "Dating a Porn Star/Prostitute" thread on GAF, I couldn't do it, whether it be a porn star or just a regular girl turning tricks for cash. I just couldn't date a whore/ex-whore. That's not to say I wouldn't be friends with them. But date them? Nah
These type of threads always have people tripping over themselves to prove how liberal they are.
Yeah, I'm picturing some bad shit over the course of her tenure.
I like Gaf's overall liberall attitude. I too think that it is wrong to dehumanize sex workers or think less of them as human beings. I would be ok with a person's sex worker history and be friends but wouldn't want to date an ex-prostitute either. The unique properties that a history like that would bring into a romantic relationship isn't something that I desire. I do think that our pasts matter. We are who we are because of our past. It's not like our past is a thing that just happened and now exists in a vacuum without affecting our present day selves. If I found out that someone I cared for deeply did something I personally viewed as non-desirable behaviour for a potential partner for a significant amount of time, then that would absolutely affect my desire to be romantically involved with the said person. In the case of prostitution, it would not affect my opinion of them as human beings that deserve to be treated as well as any other person. Prostitution is for me a non-desirable thing in a potential romantic partner's past and it is just one of many. Part of it is societal construction and male ego no doubt but this is how I feel, and that feeling is real to me, no matter how well societally constructed it may be.
There will always be qualities in other people that we won't be comfortable with in romantic contexts. For some it is obesity. You could call a woman who won't date chubby men shallow but if the attraction isn't there it just isn't there. She will then go and try to find someone who possesses qualities that she finds attractive. For OP's brother prostitution seems to be a major non-attractive quality in a romantic partner so naturally he doesn't want to be romantically involved in that. I understand and won't fault him for that. It's the way OP's brother is going about that bothers me. Telling OP to not hang out with her even though they are friends and avoiding her like a leper.
There will always be qualities in other people that we won't be comfortable with in romantic contexts. For some it is obesity. You could call a woman who won't date chubby men shallow but if the attraction isn't there it just isn't there. She will then go and try to find someone who possesses qualities that she finds attractive. For OP's brother prostitution seems to be a major non-attractive quality in a romantic partner so naturally he doesn't want to be romantically involved in that. I understand and won't fault him for that. It's the way OP's brother is going about that bothers me. Telling OP to not hang out with her even though they are friends and avoiding her like a leper.
If I stick a knife in a wall socket I know its a mistake the first time, I don't continue to do it for two years.
Depends on how much you're getting paid or if you're bring forced to for other reasons.
Metal Goat
Banned
Doesn't matter how many dicks she sucked or how many dudes came in or on her, love is love, right? People make mistakes and shouldn't be penalized for them.
The OP's brother sounds like a dick. It's one thing to say, "I think our sexual differences are too much to overcome" or "I'm sorry, but I just don't think I can come to terms with your past, as its contrary to my religion," but I'm not getting the sense that's how he handled this, given the OP described his response like this:
Someone here once actually said if her daughter wanted to be a porn star they'd encourage her. :lol
LyleLanley
Banned
Her father?
zorlaczerohero
Banned
So that matters to you? High paid escort = clean, street worker = filth? I made no assumptions about what environment she worked in. It really shouldn't matter, she's a human being, her past work as a prostitute shouldn't change how anyone views her now. It's sickening to me that so many people are so unforgiving.
Let's turn the whole 'if it was your Daughter' crap on its head. How would anyone who made that argument feel if their Daughter came away from that way of life and yet couldn't be accepted by anyone for the decisions she made in the past. I wouldn't want my Daughter to work in the sex industry, but then I wouldn't want her to work in a minimal wage job or for Tony Abbott. She'd still be my Daughter though, and I still wouldn't want people to judge her for what she does rather than who she is.
Perfect Blue
Banned
I wouldn't date a prostitute either. Everyone has their preferences, just move on.
I think you can still be friends with her and it sounds like she needs friendly support, but stay out of their relationship problems. That thing is done. That's his personal decision and I can't blame him for not getting over it. I know I wouldn't and probably wouldn't be in a relationship with a guy for the same thing.
Can you explain this better. Isn't what someone does part of who they are? Your actions and what you choose to do are a big part of you.
Can you explain this better. Isn't what someone does part of who they are? Your actions and what you choose to do are a big part of you.
Well, since you're both Muslim, I think it'll be too much of a problem for your bro to consider marrying his ex-gf. I applaud her for being honest as honesty is best in a relaionship, but in this case it destroyed all future possibilities and scenarios. Just let them be, and bro's before ho's in this case as he's family. Just tell his ex that you can't be friends for now, but will keep in touch via e-mail.
Random Painted HIghway
Member
No offense intended here, but if you hadn't seen much of this girl in four years, to the point where you didn't have an idea of how she was employed (unless she lied to you of course), then it doesn't seem like she was that good of a friend to you in the first place.
The whole thing is frankly weird to me, probably due to cultural differences. Reconnecting after 4 years, the interim messiness. I mean, it sounds like a rom-com with a sad ending, frankly.
Uh, yeah? She is a human being, but she's also working in a trade that a lot of people don't approve of. If you go into the field, then you should know what you're getting into. Nobody has to accept prostitution or prostitutes. You sound completely unrealistic and stop trying to make it seem like we're bad people for not wanting to date hookers. Relationships are serious business and having history as a sex worker is a big red flag for the majority of people and it shouldn't be hard to understand why.
Your brother should be ashamed. He abandonned her because he wanted
To make some money abroad. He chose money over her and left her behind while she was deeply in love with him.
While he enjoyed a priviledge lifestyle overseas, she fell in some bad times and was forced to resort to selling her body to eat.
Who is he to judge her? He succombed to the lust for money and abandonned her!
I bet she tried to contact him many times while he was gone and he ignored her. How was his sexual life while he was gone over there? Quiz him over it. I am sure he is not so clean. He obviously had no time for serious relationship, did he hire prostitutes himself?
He abandonned her and now he rejects her again? Disgusting and shameful.
Stay friends with her and hang out with her. Don't listen to him; he's obviously unfit to protip anyone about relationships, values and valors. Who knows, one day he might ditch you for a business deal.
To make some money abroad. He chose money over her and left her behind while she was deeply in love with him.
While he enjoyed a priviledge lifestyle overseas, she fell in some bad times and was forced to resort to selling her body to eat.
Who is he to judge her? He succombed to the lust for money and abandonned her!
I bet she tried to contact him many times while he was gone and he ignored her. How was his sexual life while he was gone over there? Quiz him over it. I am sure he is not so clean. He obviously had no time for serious relationship, did he hire prostitutes himself?
He abandonned her and now he rejects her again? Disgusting and shameful.
Stay friends with her and hang out with her. Don't listen to him; he's obviously unfit to protip anyone about relationships, values and valors. Who knows, one day he might ditch you for a business deal.
Sho_Nuff82
Member
Demanding people not care about all of your life's choices, even adamantly, won't make it so. All the people in your life are going to judge you on your choices, so you have a few options:
1a. Strive to make choices you're proud of
1b. Throw caution to the wind and just do whatever the fuck you want whenever you want
2a. Lie about the choices you're not proud of and hope you don't get caught.
2b. Deal with the consequences of your actions
If you're the kind of person who doesn't believe that your sexual past should ever be an issue, you're better off finding someone on the same page or it's not going to work. "Accept me as I am, unconditionally" isn't a realistic world view to have. Especially if this is someone making the decision to spend the rest of their life with you.
Now, I've seen people here defend all kinds of shit from other people's partners, even as far as that story about the woman who found out her husband was a habitual internet troll/racist who refused to give it up even when confronted. How much of this is genuinely sincere I don't know, but I really find it hard to take some of these posts seriously where people are saying "I would fully support my daughter's decision to be a sex worker with no hangups whatsoever, as I'm not a prude and totally comfortable with my sexuality."
I never know if you're serious or not, lmao.
Yeah I find it odd to think that there would some total disconnection between what we do and who we are. I have no doubt that the woman in question didn't want to do what she did but that doesn't mean it didn't have a part in shaping her to become who she is today. We are largely defined to others by whatever information regarding us is available to them, which is nothing but our actions. Only we ourselves are aware of our own thoughts where we might think "this isn't really me". Can't expect others to somehow "see" that and treat us according to that.
……forgetit
Member
Yeah, it's dead and there's no saving it. If he's the kind of Muslim who won't even think about having sex outside of marriage then it ain't happening.
This has nothing to do with her being a prostitute and everything to do with how your brother feels.
Cut her loose. Family over friends always and you don't want to learn that the hard way.
She didn't need your relationship ever and she definitely doesn't need it now. A comforting hand is nice but never is it necessary.
Cut her loose. Family over friends always and you don't want to learn that the hard way.
She didn't need your relationship ever and she definitely doesn't need it now. A comforting hand is nice but never is it necessary.
"Family over friends" is some real bs.
Just because you share DNA with someone doesn't mean you should always take their side.
If OP has a good brother-sister relationship with this person, then they should help her move on and establish a healthier lifestyle independent of the brother.
why? He even said he didn't see her much after his brother broke up with her so it seemed like that brother-sister relationship stemmed solely on the brother and her dating. There's no reason for all of that. She's an adult and can establish a healthy lifestyle without OP.
GreatestHits
Member
Sex work is not to be shunned. And sex addiction is not to be undermined. What a thread
Team Filler
Member
That's kind of my thinking in this: you've got your family by way of blood, and family by way of choice (sometimes they are one in the same).
???
He said he wanted to keep in touch with her and it seemed pretty clear to me that OP wants to help her.
Obviously, trying to mend the relationship between his brother and her isn't the way to do that.
Did you even see the sentence before the one you bolded? If their relationship was that good, then why did he barely see her for four years? Sure, he wants to keep in touch and I'm sure they have a good friendship, but it seems to only be a thing when the brother is in the picture.
Ninja Of Chaos
Member
From your OP and your other posts....just tell her to be glad your brother is out of her life.
Sometimes you fall out of touch with people even if you like them. Then, you meet them again later and reconnect. It happens all the time.
My suggestion to the OP is that he can establish a friendship with this person without having the brother in the picture.
Ninja Of Chaos
Member
Yes, hilarious. Instead of supporting your child and helping her through whatever, just point and laugh and try and make her more into what you want. Oh, and disown her too since that seems to always work.
CassidyIzABeast
Member
Sounds like another Love TKO.
Gotta let it go.
Gotta let it go.
Yeah, even if your brother doesn't want you to stay in contact with her, you should be able to do this much at least.
Family over friends doesn't have to be related to blood. There are certain people in my life who I consider family but I don't share blood. Friends are just that, friends and when its time to let them go, let them go. They actually don't need you and in OP's case, sounds like the girl definitely doesn't need her and he might have some actual feelings for his brothers ex.. which explains his non-understanding of his brothers POV (which he cannot change)
Wait, do you mean support her becoming a porn star?
How exactly is it a career?
If its something that really upsets his brother should he still see her?
Would you rather have a brother-brother relationship or something like a brother-sister relationship?
It's not like in all those years his brother was away they spent a lot of time together.
Love this post. Summarizes my beliefs also. Hating women for having sex (be it for money or for shooting) simply shows how insecure you yourself are.
Sho_Nuff82
Member
So if I have job that people find reprehensible (like say, a lobbyist for Big Tobacco) I should never expect this to come up as a point of contention in my dating life? That's not very realistic.
Edit: Things as trivial as the gas mileage on your car will affect the way people think of you. None of our choices are made in a vacuum.
striferser
Huge Nickleback Fan
OP, just be her friend, and respect your brother decision. What done is done.
GreatestHits
Member
Major props to jadedm17 as well. If the dude doesn't want that the dude doesn't want that :/
Leave them be. Move on. Your brother clearly got a guideline for himself as many people would have - do not date prostitutes - so since he said no then "that is that".
To be honest, you should move on too unless you really are super close to her like a brother. Do not delude yourself though, be clear that this is what you want as it's commonly known that relationships with prostitutes, active or ex, can give you either a head or heartache.
To be honest, you should move on too unless you really are super close to her like a brother. Do not delude yourself though, be clear that this is what you want as it's commonly known that relationships with prostitutes, active or ex, can give you either a head or heartache.
That's not how society works. Every decision that you take in life comes with consequences, it's just that some are more negative, and this is definitely one of them.
It's not always about being professional, but also having social and moral responsibility. Sleeping for money under any circumstances is not considered valid in any society.
entremet
Member
You're missing the point. This isn't about not respecting her, but dating her.
People have all sorts of preferences for long term partners.
GreatestHits
Member
I (and many others I assume) have complete 100% disregard for social responsibility. IMO, "social responsibility" is but possibly an aftermath of necessity and natural selection.
In other words, what regard should one have for social responsibility that isn't already governed by another reality? IMO 'Social responsibility' is something unneeded, and 'tacked on' after things have already been done or set to motion. A man-made construct with little purpose, except for niche areas of social control
And_Gignac
Member
lol it is considered valid since it is legal in many societies. Going by your flawed argument, a sex worker is actually a socially responsible person, since they provide with sex to those who are not able to get it in any other way.
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