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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #211 - "Origins"

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R

Royal_Flush

Member
Theme - "Origins"

Word Limit: 1999

Submission Deadline: Friday, 5th May by 11:59 PM Pacific

Voting Deadline: Monday, 8th May at 11:59 PM Pacific.

Optional Secondary Objective: Create a Legend or Tale, get inspired by your local fairy tales, the Bible or whatever too-good-to-be-true story your granddad tried to sell you when telling you about his youth.

Submission Guidelines:

- One entry per poster.
- All submissions must be written during the time of the challenge.
- Using the topic as the title of your piece is discouraged.
- Keep to the word count!

Voting Guidelines:

- Three votes per voter. Please denote in your voting your 1st (3 pts), 2nd (2 pts), and 3rd (1 pt) place votes.
- Please read all submissions before voting.
- You must vote in order to be eligible to win the challenge.
- When voting ends, the winner gets a collective pat on the back, and starts the new challenge.

Important side note: A lot of our regulars like to write out short critiques/comments for the stories, but you can always opt out by simply adding a note like "I'd prefer no critiques" in the post where you submit your story. We're an understanding group and respect that not everyone wants comments on their work. Above all, we just want to read your story.

NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge FAQ
Previous Challenge Threads and Themes
 
N

Nezumi

Member
Hah! It's like you made that challenge just for me :D Seriously, I can just write the story I had planned for the last challenge as it fits this one perfectly.
 
F

Freeza Under The Shower

Member
Ah, the yearly mandatory "gotta go back in time in order to vote". It's like the US 2016 election all over again! All those illegal time travel votes, man. So not tremendous. ( ;) )

I mean, it's an origin of some kind and future readers of history are certainly going to wonder if the outcome wasn't some alt-legend by someone in between.

Kind of Flowers's home turf though.
 
R

Royal_Flush

Member
Freeza Under The Shower said:
Ah, the yearly mandatory "gotta go back in time in order to vote". It's like the US 2016 election all over again! All those illegal time travel votes, man. So not tremendous. ( ;) )

I mean, it's an origin of some kind and future readers of history are certainly going to wonder if the outcome wasn't some alt-legend by someone in between.

Kind of Flowers's home turf though.
Click to expand...
I have no clue what you're talking about <3 *edits OP*

Cyan said:
Nice. And congrats on your first win!
Click to expand...
Thanks!
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Nezumi said:
Hangout today?
Click to expand...

Oh yeah, I forgot to post. :p Hurr we go.

Writing hangout in about half an hour. Standard quick recap: it's on Google Hangouts, and the format is ten minutes of chat, then thirty minutes of writing with mics muted, repeated until we've gone for two hours. Webcams aren't required, though several of us will have them. Mics are recommended but also not required, as you can use the text chat.

The hangout link is (quote to see):
 
M

Mike M

Nick N
Can't remember the last time I had this much trouble getting something done...

Maybe that time I just gave up and did a letter addressed to Mattel full of raving lunacy about the need to bring back Dino Riders.
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Royal_Flush said:
We have a script that automatically creates a list of entries. For that to work, the title of your piece has to be the posts title and your post must contain the hashtag "#entr.y" (but without the dot).

There once was a neat little picture explaining all that but wherever it was uploaded it seems to be gone now. (Ping @ whoever made it)
Click to expand...

Ah right, cool - cheers for the heads up, been a while since I've entered one of these :)
 
C

Carlisle

Member
Oh man I'm the worst. Completely lost track of the days and didn't realize this was due today until just now. I'm away for the rest of the night, so I won't have a chance to write something out. But here's a short #entry I've managed to scribble together.
Sorry, Poetry Corner :p

In a broken old tree at the edge of a wood
There lived an old spirit who slept all he could.
From morning to noon and from evening to night
The spirit dozed on through dark and through light.
When children came knocking to ask "who's in there?"
The spirit ignored them with nary a care.
The years rolled on by and the children grew old
And the wood had grown dark and dreary and cold
"What's this?" Asked the spirit when he awoke at last.
"Why have the knocking, talking, and squealing all passed?"
At this the wood spoke through lips of old lumber.
"You've been forgotten, old friend, and left to your slumber."
 
F

FlowersisBritish

fleurs n'est pas britannique
Booooooo I forgot about this and after a frustrating day of work I don't know if I want to finish my thing :/ Oh well, quitters get no dinner I guess
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Hm5mqSs.jpg




Ping.
 
choodi

choodi

Banned
#entry

The stray one

Sorry, I am late and have blown past the word limit. I'm happy to take whatever punishment is due, but the story just wouldn't end any sooner.
 
N

Nezumi

Member
Slowly typing away at mine. Shouldn't be too long now, but I've been sick the entire night and morning so my energy isn't super high at the moment.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Nezumi said:
Slowly typing away at mine. Shouldn't be too long now, but I've been sick the entire night and morning so my energy isn't super high at the moment.
Click to expand...

Yeah, being sick is no fun. Just got over a bout myself. Get well soon!
 
F

FlowersisBritish

fleurs n'est pas britannique
Here are some votes. A lot of short entries this time around, thought that was a little strange but I'm not complaining.

British Monsoon: Honestly this was all a little too ethereal, a little too surreal for me to follow. I didn't really know what or why things were happening until the serpent came in, and even then I felt more than kind of confused at the happenings of the story.

Royal_Flush: Thank you for the normal font! That other one hurt my eyes. I dug the Nothing and Somethings at first for their interchangeability, but by midway it got pretty tough to follow. If I read this right, it's a creation myth for the sun and the sky, right? The way we got there was kind of neat, and I get the stylistic reason for the Nothings and Somethings, but I don't think it quite worked here. A little too confusing.

Mike: I always found self-contained terms to be a bit of a double-edged sword. On one hand, they sell the universe as a real place, on the other, too many and it's easy for the reader to get lost in what's going on. Overall, neat set up to what could be an interesting story. I hope you work a bit more on it, give it a proper ending. One thing, maybe its because I'm a bit of a prude and don't like using them, but I thought the swearing in this kinda took away from the Catholic guy's character. He seemed very proper in a way and then for him to say ”fucking" kind jarred me.

Carlise: I always appreciate how you try and put something out. Also I always get sad at the mention of the poetry corner because it used to be really cool before being really dead. Anyways, I liked the poem. It's a neat idea that I can dig.

Tangent: Ha! I always like monkey's paws like this. The first half felt kind slow cause the kid wasn't really that interesting (especially in comparison to the more interesting superhero awakening stories you listed), but the punchline at the end felt worth it.

Flowersisme: Another challenge, another "I should have edited this some more." Oh well, reading a book on the rules of grammar for the next challenge. Going to try and curb this bad habit of mine. As for the story, came out better than I thought honestly. I had a lot of trouble thinking of this, and it went through quite a few drastic iterations before landing on this.

Chodi: Didn't get a word count but gonna DQ you. Normally, I wouldn't even read the story, but I was feeling nice today and we had a lot of shorter stories. Exercise you might want to try: Go through sentence by sentence and see if you can't write the sentence shorter. A lot of your sentences felt needlessly busy(making them sound awkward) and could have been shortened. I've done it a few times and I found it really helped with my editing skills. Also they were awfully chummy with a dirty kid that just bit one of them. For a longer story I thought it was very well paced, enough story beats happening to keep me interested. Ironically, I thought the ending felt rushed, we get to the hint of the girl's origin and then immediately to the bit with her parents. Ended very quickly.

Ashes: I'm always so impressed by the subtleties of life you seem to pick up on. That opening and the self-doubt that followed are so real to me because I've been feeling them intensely lately(I'm sure everyone here has in various cycles). I really enjoyed this for the most part even if I felt the narration was a little too talky(whatever that means). Also I didn't really dig the ending for whatever reason. I think it's an objectively good ending, I just didn't like it.

Nezumi: This is one of my favorites from you in awhile I think. This was really really good. I think what it did that I really enjoyed(That I don't think any other story did) was that your origin story was an actual tale within a larger story. It was a very good legend to explain an aspect of life(why they don't hunt animals) and the character Merthi had their own interpretation and take away from it. The story was good, the story within the story was even better. Great job, really loved all of this.

Cyan: Too bad this is a late DQ entry, this was pretty good. I really enjoyed reading it, you had some very vivid descriptions that still had a lot of personality in the story. You really sold me on the bandits and the scholar. My one complaint is, while I love the punch line of it being robin hood, I kind of wished you had like a paragraph or two of reaction, like of the guy nodding and saying I could maybe do something. As it is, it's just a neat punchline to a story I think deserves a bit more of a proper ending.

Some votes:
1. Nezumi......
2. Ashes........
3. Tangent.....
 
C

Cyan

Banned
God. For some reason writing this shit was like pulling fucking teeth. I should've just turned it in incomplete on Friday, wouldn't have had to stew over the stupid thing all weekend. Whatever. Here it is. I probably won't even get to the stories this week so I won't be at all bothered if no one reads this. #lateentry

Creating a Legend
 
choodi

choodi

Banned
British Monsoon - The Serpent
Nicely written, some really good characterisation going on there. I felt a little let down by the ending though. I can't put my finger on what I didn't particularly like though.

Royal_Flush - Of Adra and Neht
Nice wordplay, I have no idea how you kept up with everything. I feel like it must have taken more time to keep track of which was what than the time it took to write the piece. Very cool little origin/creation myth too. Did you have an inspiration from a real creation myth or was it just your own?

Mike M - Men of God
Interesting concept. Took me a few re-reads to work out the structure, so I was confused by the introduction of new characters so abruptly. Didn't like the aliens ending, just because it made me think of that stupid
Because Aliens
meme.

Carlisle - The Spirit in the Tree
If I had any talent as a poet, I would write a second verse about the old tree being carved into a children's toy and the spirit finding that it actually likes children.

Tangent - Varying Potential
Hahaha, I often wonder why we don't see more people with pointless
superpowers
.

FlowersisBritish - The Two Worms
I'm going to guess
cobra
and
rattlesnake
? I liked it. Need to fix some of your punctuation though.

Ashes - Work PART I
That's deep man. Depressing too. My reaction to seeing that graffiti would be that one man's mediocrity is another man's success, who are you to judge?. Can't wait to read part 2
if you are going to follow it up
.

Nezumi - Hunters and Gatherers
Nicely told origin myth.

My votes:
  1. Ashes
  2. Nezumi
  3. Royal Flush
 
choodi

choodi

Banned
FlowersisBritish said:
Chodi: Didn’t get a word count but gonna DQ you. Normally, I wouldn’t even read the story, but I was feeling nice today and we had a lot of shorter stories. Exercise you might want to try: Go through sentence by sentence and see if you can’t write the sentence shorter. A lot of your sentences felt needlessly busy(making them sound awkward) and could have been shortened. I’ve done it a few times and I found it really helped with my editing skills. Also they were awfully chummy with a dirty kid that just bit one of them. For a longer story I thought it was very well paced, enough story beats happening to keep me interested. Ironically, I thought the ending felt rushed, we get to the hint of the girl’s origin and then immediately to the bit with her parents. Ended very quickly.
Click to expand...

Believe it or not, I did cut this down, it was heading well over 3000 words (I cut it back to 2732). Hence the rushed ending.

As it was I just needed to finish and post it otherwise I was not even going to come close to meeting the deadline.

Thanks for the feedback. I agree with all of it.
 
N

Nezumi

Member
Votes:
1.) Tangent
2.) Carlisle
3.) Flowers

Really hard choice this week. Ask me again in an hour and I just might vote differently&#8203;...
 
R

Royal_Flush

Member
British Monsoon - The Serpent - I feel like I should get it, but I just don't. A bit of a description in what ways humanity (if those characters are supposed to be human descendant) changed exactly would have worked wonders I think.

Mike M - Men of God - There is a man floating in the center(?) of the universe? Well, that's a new one. I like the dialogues with the religious people, but I think their views could have been a bit more different.

Carlisle - The Spirit in the Tree - That was cute :3

Tangent - Varying Potential - That second paragraph was great :D However, I wished the meeting with the school counselor was more fleshed out. One of the few times since I'm participating here where I thought 'Why is this scene in its current state in here?'

FlowersisBritish - The Two Worms - That was both really clever and quite well written.

choodi - The stray one - I liked it, kept me interested throughout. But the ending was a bit odd. The girl seemed in no way ready to move on. Might be because of the word count, though.

Ashes - Work PART I - That's very philosophical at the expense of an actual plot. Not necessarily a bad thing, I guess. I enjoyed it quite a lot.

Nezumi - Hunters and Gatherers - What I like most about this is how it really reads like an old tale somebody told. You hit that tone really well.

Cyan - Creating a Legend - The twist at the end was something I didn't see coming at all, despite the name.


Royal_Flush - Of Adra and Neht - Ok, a quick post mortem again. This creation myth is part of a fantasy universe in a style similar to The Witcher or Song of Ice and Fire I've been pondering in my head for quite some time now. In it abstract concepts like seasons or feelings as well as certain physical things are explained by being manifestations of shards of Adra. In particular there would be a group of spiritual leaders who claim to be direct part of the original goddess. As for the myth itself: It's mostly original. The concepts I copied from existing myths are the fighting Twin gods (I don't remember from where) and the "outside" being a big fire we can see through the holes in the sky, i.e the stars (that one was afaik a common Christian believe back when the earth still was flat). It was quite challenging to nail the tone of an old sermon and judging by the comments I may have slid too far onto the obscure and metaphysical side...


Votes:
1. FlowersisBritish - The Two Worms
2. Ashes - Work PART I
3. Nezumi - Hunters and Gatherers


Sidenote: I'm actually a bit surprised we got so many SciFi entries. Didn't expect that when creating the prompt/secondary combination.
 
M

mu cephei

Member
Votes

1. Mike M. I really love the idea and the SF feel of this. A few weak bits (e.g. why no one has been yet, the 'aliens').
2. Ashes. The perspective was completely real to me. A little meandering.
3. Nezumi. Very nicely told. The 'old tale' style was well done but isn't a style that I love generally.

I really enjoyed all of them. I read but DQ'd Cyan and choodi.
 
M

Mike M

Nick N
Well shoot, I'm on the board now. I pretty much have to vote.


  • British Monsoon: Palm trees have fronds, not branches : P. I would have structured some of your sentences differently, which led me to trip up a little bit from time to time where I’d expect there to be a comma and find none, or vice versa. It lost a lot of momentum for me in the last three paragraphs where it kind of turned into an info dump explaining what happened in the rest of the story rather than just having it happen. Show vs. tell, yadda yadda yadda.
  • Royal_Flush: Right from the start, I would quibble with the opening sentence. Adra and Neht, by virtue of existing, are already Something, and therefore there are not Nothing. Pedantic nitpicking aside, I thought this was a fairly well-done little origin myth. One quibble is that I would have just gone with “the sun” instead of “Eternal Fire” since its counterpart is “the Sky” and not “infinite blue” or something.
  • Mike M: The premise of this might seem familiar to those regulars with particularly good recalls, as it was one I mentioned in a challenge about a year ago. I realized early on that ~2K words was just flat out not going to cut it for this. I could do 2K words for each character, easy, and I could probably do so for a much larger cast and go full Canterbury Tales in Space with it. Shit, it could be a novel in its own right, unraveling and unpacking what the certainty of the existence of God would do in a space-faring civilization would be quite the task. This, though, this was crap.
  • Carlisle: Is it my imagination, or are the first few lines the same cadence as a limerick? It certainly reads as such in my head, which makes it a little weird for me when it just keeps going after where my brain thought it should be ending. At the same time, it feels like it’s missing a stanza to give it any sort of conclusion.
  • Tangent: Oh dude, was AP Mythology ever actually a thing? I would have aced the shit out of that class, I was a huge mythology buff as a kid. Hell, I took it at the college level and it was a cakewalk, I finished the midterm with 100% before the TAs had finished passing out the exams. Which got me accused of cheating, since apparently the answer key had gone missing the previous afternoon. Whoopsie! Fortunately I demanded that they give me another test from a different year and polished it off on the spot and received their prolific apologies. The fact that his super power turned out to be a fast-growing beard got a guffaw out of me.
  • FlowersisBritish: The thing that I don’t quite understand is what the wings on the snake are supposed to be. I can hazard a guess that it’s supposed to maybe become the hood of a cobra, perhaps? Overall, I thought it was a pretty solid origin myth, though it went into a little smidgen too much detail in some instances, as these sort of things are usually presented with slightly broader strokes. Though if I’m right about the cobra bit (hell, even if I’m not), it kind of rings false as artifice for me since I don’t believe that you’re not going to have a geographical overlap between all of vultures, cacti, chameleons, rattlesnakes, and cobras. You know, except for zoos.
  • choodi: There wasn’t anything about this that really warranted a sci-fi setting when any pioneer town or remote wilderness would have done the trick. You could probably have saved yourselves a few words just excising those bits, but I don’t think you’d get to 700+ words, unfortunately. The pacing felt off to me as well; I think the revelation of Panda’s secret could have probably afforded more time to breathe than being a brief summation of facts before lights down.
  • Ashes: I, personally, like to think I own my mediocrity.
  • Nezumi: Shitoka is kind of a giant idiot. He’s already seen what the gods can do, what they’ve done to them, and he goes after the mouse god immediately after begging favor from the gods? Even accounting for the fact that we have no reason to expect him to immediately recognize such a mouse god, I’d hope that with the knowledge that the gods can take the forms of animals and the fact that he was literally just then praying for the gods to help him, he’d have the sense to not go after his benefactor like a goof. I mean… it worked out for him in the end, I guess, but it’s still a minor miracle he wasn’t deposed within like a month of taking the throne if this is all we have to be indicative of his levels of competence : P. I still liked it.
Votes:
1. Royal_Flush
2. FlowersisBritish
3. Nezumi
 
A

Ashes

Banned
I'm out.
I'll probably read the rest by the weekend, if you guys keep the story links alive till then. Interesting theme.
 
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