I'm so much happier now that I'm dead. Technically missing. Soon to be presumed dead. Gone.
And this lazy oblivious and incompetent "Microsoft" company will go to prison for my murder. They took my pride and my dignity and my hope and my money. They took and took from me until I no longer existed. That's murder. Let the punishment fit the crime. To fake a convincing release date for Scale
-fucking-bound you have to have discipline. You befriend a local foold, Platinum Games. Harvest the details of his hundrum life and cram him with stories about how development will be "doing fine", how the the game will soon be playable from start to finish. Secretly create some money troubles: forced online co-op, micotransactions, western bullshit. With the help of the unwitting, you bump up your life insurance. Purchase the Xbox One. With the Elite Controller. Generic. Overpriced. Pay cash. You need to package yourself so that people will truly mourn your loss. And I don't know how much you know about Japan, but they truly believe in honor, it's an important part of their culture... You know what's hard? Faking your excitement for this game. First, you pretend to follow all the dishearting news about this trainwerk of a game. Watch every damn E3 showing. From the first CGi vaporware trailer. Wake up at fucking 3.a.m, June 2016 just to see how this game has been resorted to a How To Train a Flying Potato simulator. Then you steal a Recore copy. And you pretend to like it. Voila! The game is nothing like you wanted. You wasted 60 dollars. Happy 3th Anniversary of this game's announcement. But then you go on NeoGAF, and post "wow I loved the E3 demo, MS is doing a great job
" while you dry off the tears running down your face. Wait for the clueless director to announce the release date. Off he goes... and the clock is ticking. 20 weeks away from the release day and they haven't even shown final console footage yet. You feel fisically ill. A lot. A lot. A lot. You start to post about how the game is likely being saved for Scorpio How the game still retains that Hideki Kamiya-sama magic, even though you know deep in yourself that's one hell of a lie. June. E3 starts and they fucking bring a broken demo on stage. "Well, Platinum has never made a bad game, so there's no reason not to trust them". I repeat to myself. But everyone else playing the demo booths agrees that it is just bad. And because you're you, you don't stop there. You go back. To the day this fucking game was announced. Start with the fairy-tale days. The biggest Xbox One exclusive. A system seller title. From the creator of Resident Evil 2 and Bayonetta. Those are true. After that, you invent. "Scalebound was supposed to relive the Xbox brand" "X1 would likely outsell PS4 when this game gets released... at least in the US" The spending, the abuse, the fear, the threat of violence... burn it, just the right amount. Make sure the fans will find it. Finally, honor tradition with a very special treasure hunt. And if I get everything right, the world will hate Microsoft for killing his beautiful, legacy franchise. And after all the outrage, when I'm ready, I'll go out on to GameStop and buy a Playstation 4 + NieR: Automata bundle. And when my mother finds me investing my precious time trying to bond with this hot anime girl, I'll look straight into her eyes and say "but have you looked at her butt? Have your really looked at her butt?" In that very moment, she knows. She fucking knows. As she handles me the nugget pieces she previously cooked for me, she leaves my room with these words: "NierR is the true savior of Platinum Games". And that's when the people will know, Microsoft dumped Scalebound like garbage, and it floated past all the other abused, unwanted, inconvenient titles like Phantom Dust and Fable: Legends. The Scalebound fans will be gone, but then... we never really existed. We loved a game we pretended to like.
"An Xbox One exclusive".
Gamers always use that, don't they? As their defining compliment: "Quantum Break is a true Xbox exclusive". A true Xbox One exclusive is hot. A true Xbox One exclusive is game. A true Xbox One exclusive is fun. A true Xbox One exclusive never makes its fans angry. It only smiles in a chagrined, loving manner. The Platinum Game fans like what they like, so evidently they're vinyl hipsters who loves fetish Manga. If they like girls gone wild, Claire Redfield was a good example of empowering woman design. Bayonetta is sexist trash.. When I met Phil Spencer I knew he wanted "true Xbox Exclusive experience". And for him, I'll admit: Scalebound truly was it. He created an empty development funded by vapor and nothingness. Microsoft rewrote the concept to fit those Sony esclusive games everyone loves. They put headphones into the game because we all love headphones. They showed the game, semi-regularly. I lived in the moment. The same dragon portion for three years. I was fuckinging game. I can't say I didn't enjoy some of it. Microsoft teased out in me things I didn't know existed. A lightness, a humor, an ease. But I made them smarter. Sharper. I inspired them to rise to my level. I forged the company of my dreams. We were happy pretending to be other people. We were the happiest couple we knew. And what's the point of being together if you're not the happiest? But Platinum got lazy and Microsoft stubborn. They delayed the game. Microsoft actually expected me to love support their Xbox console unconditionally. And before finishing with Platinum, they delayed the game another time. From Holiday 2016, to simply "2017". We knew it was coming. We knew that what the press sneaks were telling us, was true.
You think I'd let Microsoft destroy me and end up happier than ever?
No fucking way.
They don't get to win. I don't know how much the rest of you know about social culture (I'm an expert), but grown-ups work for things. Grown-ups pay.
Grown-ups suffer consequences.
