Every main character from now on should be female just to make them mad.
To be honest, I can completely understand where these fans are coming from.
Now, hear me out here. I remember back when
Star Wars: Episode 7 was first announced...way back in 2012. Man, I was so excited at the time. See, at that point, I had been a
Star Wars fan at that point for almost as long as I could remember. I had many a happy memory playing with Star Wars toys as a child, making my own
Star Wars movies in my own backyard with a beat-up camcorder whilst me and my friends pretended to be all the Star Wars regulars...Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Salacious B Crumb, Nute Gunray....and so many other classic
Star Wars characters. So when production of Episode 7 officially kicked into gear, I would spend much of my day pouring over my computer, eager to learn anything I could about the brand new
Star Wars motion picture.
But then, one day, the film's protagonist was announced. A character called
Ray. And Ray looked like this:
At first, I thought..."That actor they cast in the lead looks a little strange! Almost a little feminine!" And then I looked closer. And eventually, to my dawning horror....I realized they hadn't cast a
male actor as the lead at all, but a female. A
female. A female
woman....as the
main character, in this brand new
Star War.
Now, needless to say, I am a male. I am a man and I have male reproductive organs. And through my extensive experiences spent outside in the real world, I have learned that
females have different reproductive organs. And as a result, I have conclusively come to the conclusion that men are simply better than women. We just...we just make more sense than women, you know? We have penises...and
they have...those other weird things. And as such, we
deserve our Star Wars. The Star Wars are
ours. They are
our Wars, and we deserve them as our own personal
treat for being
men. That's just the way of the world and you cannot argue against it. You cannot, it is fact. Just look how phallic light-sabers are. Precisely.
Now, before you all start getting carried away...I am not a sexist. I love staring at the female stripper characters in GTA before beating their brains out with baseball bats, and I'm a big fan of a lot of female pornstars working out there, those crazy gals. And in movies, I think women work great as love interests. Hell, give em some supporting roles! But as protagonists...they just don't fit. Because they have....their bodies are different from ours. They're like people, only not, really. Like men, but with weird voices and breasts. I don't like that. I don't
trust that, you know?
But being an open-minded guy, I eventually decided to give Rey a chance. And like everybody else, I watched
Force Awakens in the cinema and I enjoyed it, the woman nonsense aside. And so, I thought that would be the end of the whole fad. A wild and crazy period in the annals of
Star Wars history, soon to be resigned to the forgotten pages of
Star Wars history. But then
Rogue One came around. And I found out that the main character looked like this:
Many people can often recall exactly where they were at the time of the 9/11 attacks...and likewise, many
Star Wars fans like myself can remember
exactly where they were when the first learned that
Rogue One would be the
second Star Wars film to feature a female. Personally, I was stationed in Pearl Harbour, huddled with the rest of my fellow Star Wars fans in a navy flotilla just off the coast of Hawaii. It was a time I won't soon forget. As soon as we learned of this terrible
Star Wars related casting announcement over the radio wireless, myself and my fellow male comrades let out screams of anguish, as we vomited furiously over the decks of our ship out of sheer outrage and disgust, our
Star Wars t-shirts forever stained by almost unending waves of putrid sick.
"Another woman!" we screamed. "A
WOMAN!" Another so called "hero" who did not have a penis! How could we respect a
woman who didn't have a
penis? We couldn't! It was too big a paradox for us to comprehend. It was
grotesque.
Star Wars, we quickly realized among ourselves, had been taken over. It had been
hijacked. By
women. Where had the good men gone, we asked ourselves. And where were all the gods? Where was the streetwise Hercules to fight the rising odds? Sure, there was Poe and Finn and Cassian and Luke and Han and Kylo and Krennic and Hux and Snoke....but there were now
women now among them...women...like those man-eating, alien creatures that feasted on the brave, working men from
The Mist.
But again, like any good
Star Wars fan, I went to
Rogue One. And I enjoyed that too, the woman nonsense aside. At least
this woman died at the end, so there at least the balance was marginally restored, even if some female characters were still out there somewhere in the Star Wars universe...like the bugs in
Starship Troopers, an unending threat to the very fabric of our invaluable sense of normalcy.
Then....it happened again.
This year at
Star Wars Celeberation, you'd better believe I turned up for the
Star Wars Battlefront panel.
Battlefront had always remained my absolutely favourite gaming series, and I couldn't wait for them to announce the sequel, which rumour had it was called
Star Wars Battlefront 2. At the time, I was so upset and excited, and that very morning, you better believe I was first in line to get into that hall!
Finally, as the
Battlefront panel started, and as the lights began to dim, the developers played the official trailer for everyone in the hall. And that's when we finally got a glimpse of Battlefront's new official protagonist!
NO!
NO!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I stared at the screen, my mouth open, my eyes bulging, my shocked gaze fixed upon the unmistakably female face placed before me. A second later, I flung my
Star Wars brand
Wookie-Bite snack puffs at the screen as I started to scream like an enraged beast. Yet all around me, all the other
Star Wars fans
cheered! But
I didn't cheer. I stood right up there in that conference room and started shouting. "BATTLEFRONT CAN'T HAVE A
FEMALE PROTAGONIST! THIS ISN'T
STAR WARS! HAVE YOU ALL GOT AMNESIA?! DISNEY CHEATED US! THIS ISN'T FAIR!
OUR STAR WARS CANNOT HAVE ANOTHER COCK - A - DOODIE FEMALE!"
.....
And that's all I have to say about that.
