my friends have never met her. We've only been dating for a month.
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Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy
- Thread starter soultron
- Start date
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my friends have never met her. We've only been dating for a month.
Hypereides
Member
Pretty sure thats welcome.
Pollux
Member
So me and the girlfriend have been together for around 3.5 years now, and everything is just getting "boring", not in the sense that I want to break up or anything, but I just want to try and think of new activities/hobbies to do together. Lately all we do is just sit around and watch TV together since we're both exhausted by the weekend since she busts her ass at work all week and my weeks are consumed by law school.
I guess my question is, how do you convince the girl who really does't like to try new things to get out and try something new; to try and reinvigorate the relationship so to speak?
Any advice would be appreciated.
Edit: I also feel like I'm missing out since everyone in my class goes out on Fridays. I think I like going out and drinking but the second I get out with people I'm bored to tears lol. So am I just going crazy or is that normal for people who are 22-23 in serious relationships.
I'm proposing within the next 6-8 months, so I'm def. still into her and the feeling is mutual, I just want to get her out of the apartment a little more. Maybe she'll be more willing when it's not the middle of winter.
I guess my question is, how do you convince the girl who really does't like to try new things to get out and try something new; to try and reinvigorate the relationship so to speak?
Any advice would be appreciated.
Edit: I also feel like I'm missing out since everyone in my class goes out on Fridays. I think I like going out and drinking but the second I get out with people I'm bored to tears lol. So am I just going crazy or is that normal for people who are 22-23 in serious relationships.
I'm proposing within the next 6-8 months, so I'm def. still into her and the feeling is mutual, I just want to get her out of the apartment a little more. Maybe she'll be more willing when it's not the middle of winter.
Hypereides
Member
This might be out of order, but how about, while shes cooking, surprise her sexually. Whisper into her ear that she looks so sexy when shes doing that, while physically caressing her... or something in that line.
Excuse moi, if I have a one mind track but I just think you need to spice up your sex life. Try some roleplay. Ask/solicit her if she has any sexual fantasies she'd like to explore.
I think that the idea of holding onto the spark in your relationship, is to make everyday of your relationship feel like that day.... That first day you first met and fell in love.
Then again this is coming from a guy whose longest relationship lasted 5 months....
I dunno, do you sense she feels the same?
Buckethead
Banned
How do you meet new peeps Dating-GAF?
Not attracted to anyone around me and it's time to make something happen.
I think there's the fear in young couples that doing the same thing = boring = "getting old".
You can definitely stagnate and lose a sense of romance and fun but at the same time I don't particularly buy that life needs to be "cranked to 10" 7 days a week.
A close friend and his wife love going to movies. They typically see one once a week and have a great time together.
Also what is your girlfriend passionate about?
Not attracted to anyone around me and it's time to make something happen.
What do you bond over?
I think there's the fear in young couples that doing the same thing = boring = "getting old".
You can definitely stagnate and lose a sense of romance and fun but at the same time I don't particularly buy that life needs to be "cranked to 10" 7 days a week.
A close friend and his wife love going to movies. They typically see one once a week and have a great time together.
Also what is your girlfriend passionate about?
lawlohwhat
Banned
I believe very strongly that the best way to get someone to do something outside of their comfort zone is to set the example yourself. If she sees you having new interests that show a real passionate dedication, then she will be immediately intrigued, and at least willing to humor the idea of trying.
Pollux
Member
What do you mean?
Hypereides
Member
Like do you think she has the same thoughts about your relationship as you do? As in she feels "bored"?
Here are some things I've found useful:
1. Social media websites (ie yelp, foursquare, blogTO (if in toronto, or else city equivalent)). They usually come up with a ton of cool places to visit and things to do, with user reviews so you can figure out if it's for you.
2. Both sit down and create lists, like 'ten things I want to do in the spring' or something. It gets your minds thinking about what you'd like to do, and can be a fun bonding experience.
3. Think of places to go outside the city. Getaways don't have to be across the world, though they can be; go to a bed and breakfast for a weekend, do something that you share in common together.
4. Athletic activities, if you're both active people (or could be). Join a co-ed sports team, or pick up an activity. Do group sessions with a personal trainer (side benefit is she'll look better and have more energy for doing things together). If not, create activities together, like playing pool, going to coffee houses to grab a drink and listen to music, anything to get you out of the house. I have a friend who picked up rock climbing, and another one who got into going to concerts with his girlfriend.
5. Spontaneous ideas. Plan a romantic night and surprise her. Rent bikes and go biking somewhere. Find a beach. Learn to skate together. Take a cooking class.
Honestly, this depends a lot on the kind of person this is. If you're dating someone who isn't ever 'game' for anything, then honestly you should at least evaluate the relationship because you'll be locked into a lifetime of TV. Doing activities and getting moving only gets harder as you get older, have kids, have a lot of daily responsibilities etc. You don't want to be bored because your partner's a wet blanket.
Even small things can work. Make every Saturday 'cooking experimentation night', where you find a complicated recipe, go out to a market, pick up the ingredients and make an elaborate meal together. Even the mistakes will be a bonding experience, and you can laugh about it over a bottle of wine.
Basically, a relationship takes work to be interesting and fun as it goes on. You should both be putting a lot of effort into it to make things fun together. It's rewarding work. Hope these ideas help.
Pollux
Member
Ah, yea she isn't bored at all lol. I've talked to her about it and she assures me that she's fine just tired all the time since she's really overworked at her job and she's got some minor sleep disorder that won't let her get a good rest.
I think I'm just projecting and reading too much into things...
Pollux
Member
We're the movie couple also, but I think since I'm back in school and she's over worked we just can't really go much anymore, and that might be leading to my "boring" fear.
Good point. I've always wanted to get into photography but I just don't have time with school. I'll figure out some type of hobby though, good idea.
You're a genius. She's always wanted to learn how to sail, and in the spring/summer Boston has free lessons for any resident of the city. Good idea man.
The rest of your advice is great also.
Hypereides
Member
You should reserve a day for just the two of you. And spend it on something-somthing.
Btw, I know that feel when being bored with the drinking buddies on a nights out. Just do it when you really feel like it, or havent seen them in a long time.
....But I would still settle for some greek on that kitchen table.
This question isn't about dating specifically, but it's been on my mind. Is it unfair to be turned off by girls who are preoccupied with looks? I don't mean girls who will only date good-looking guys. I mean girls who, although they ultimately date a guy for his personality, return to "hot guys" as a recurring topic of conversation.
I'm aware that every person on the planet finds other people attractive regardless of whether they're in a relationship. It's one thing to notice other guys and occasionally chat with friends about cute celebrities or whatever. It's another thing when girls frequently talk about guys this way, watch certain movies because of the hot guys in them, feel the need to say "he's hot" every time an attractive guy is mentioned, or plaster their walls with posters of hot guys.
It seems very high schoolish to me and strikes me as a sign of immaturity, especially when girls do it right in front of their boyfriends. But I wonder if I'm being too judgmental. Is it unreasonable to be bothered by this?
I'm aware that every person on the planet finds other people attractive regardless of whether they're in a relationship. It's one thing to notice other guys and occasionally chat with friends about cute celebrities or whatever. It's another thing when girls frequently talk about guys this way, watch certain movies because of the hot guys in them, feel the need to say "he's hot" every time an attractive guy is mentioned, or plaster their walls with posters of hot guys.
It seems very high schoolish to me and strikes me as a sign of immaturity, especially when girls do it right in front of their boyfriends. But I wonder if I'm being too judgmental. Is it unreasonable to be bothered by this?
Would they be bothered if you did the same thing? If yes, then it isn't unreasonable. It's one thing to find other people attractive, but constantly mentioning how 'hot' people are in front of your boyfriend is a bit disrespectful IMO.
Of course not.
You're from Brooklyn,aren't you.
You already know the answer. StarCraft, bitches.
Just kidding. You've already gotten the advice you needed so I just wanted to mess with you a bit lol
Etrian Oddity
Member
Hahaha, literally got a sexy-ass girl's number without even trying tonight.
CherryWoodFuton
Member
So I just dedicated a Drake song to my gf
but yea it just feels right being with her. I hope you guys get to have someone that makes you feel the way I'm feeling right now 
lol wat
Jamesfrom818
Banned
Go right ahead. I actually have more experience with being in long term relationships than with casual dating.
one little simple piece of advice that is good to learn but goes a long way...
don't EVER backtrack... What I mean by this is, if you get the balls to say something courageous/witty/out there, say it with a tone of confidence and don't follow it with a weak line.
keep things like, "Im just playing/I didn't mean it" out of your vocabulary. When a girl gives you shit, she's testing you and seeing how you react.
Also, when asking a girl out, or asking for her number. Don't make it a question, make it a statement.
"give me your number, I'll show you the best mexican hole in the wall in town."
transition is key. confidence doesn't mean douchey, just be on the same playing field and believe in how awesome you are.
Oh one more, don't ever start talking with a random girl that you wanna hit on by mentioning how hot/sexy/cute she is. Or mentioning how good she looks with her hair that way, or how great that dress makes her look. That's about what 90% of guys will do, her guard will go up instantly. You wanna be the 10% that goes about it a different way. Whatever that may be... She's wearing something that sticks out like a sore thumb? poke fun of it. It has to be done right though, or you'll just seem bitchy. She takes offense to a little joke? Don't waste your time with an uptight butthole, move on to the next one.
don't EVER backtrack... What I mean by this is, if you get the balls to say something courageous/witty/out there, say it with a tone of confidence and don't follow it with a weak line.
keep things like, "Im just playing/I didn't mean it" out of your vocabulary. When a girl gives you shit, she's testing you and seeing how you react.
Also, when asking a girl out, or asking for her number. Don't make it a question, make it a statement.
"give me your number, I'll show you the best mexican hole in the wall in town."
transition is key. confidence doesn't mean douchey, just be on the same playing field and believe in how awesome you are.
Oh one more, don't ever start talking with a random girl that you wanna hit on by mentioning how hot/sexy/cute she is. Or mentioning how good she looks with her hair that way, or how great that dress makes her look. That's about what 90% of guys will do, her guard will go up instantly. You wanna be the 10% that goes about it a different way. Whatever that may be... She's wearing something that sticks out like a sore thumb? poke fun of it. It has to be done right though, or you'll just seem bitchy. She takes offense to a little joke? Don't waste your time with an uptight butthole, move on to the next one.
I have one that makes me feel that way then does a 180 forty-five minutes later. Yay...lol.So I just dedicated a Drake song to my gfbut yea it just feels right being with her. I hope you guys get to have someone that makes you feel the way I'm feeling right nowlol wat
So guys. Where's the line between thoughtful/sweet guy and 'nice' guy. I'm not the type of guy who would go about buying excessive gifts (or any gifts) or let a girl sit on me while crouching but I think I may suffer from this nice guy thing. Should I just straight out not do anything nice to girls i like?
CF_Fighter
Member
When you start doing whatever other people ask you to do and adjust your life based on what they ask you're being too much of a "nice guy". If you are using the definition I think you are, which is simply doing favors whenever asked by other people and it is a point of personal pride for you. This is something I've been working on getting past for a couple years now. I realized I was becoming these peoples' bitch and in many ways judging my own self worth by what these other people thought and the gratitude they had for me. I would adjust my own life at times so I could do what they asked me to do. Nowadays if it works out where I am or what I'm doing at the time I'll help the, but I won't go out of the way unless it is an extremely important issue.
Hmm, yeah you kinda hit the nail on the head there. I like to think of myself as 'reliable' more than anything. I wouldn't do that stuff for girls I just met though but I do my best to help out my friends. I've also stopped buying females drinks; fuck that, they don't appreciate.
Johnlenham
Member
Its such a grey area for me its annoying as fuck.
Like Male or female if someone asks me for help I will try to help as much as I can to help them even if its starts getting in the way of my stuff. Just saying "No im busy" when actually that is a total lie 95% of the time just seems wrong to me.
Ill be sure as hell cashing in these favours soon enough though...
AdventureRacing
Member
I would say if you need to ask there is a good chance that you have crossed the line between thoughtful/sweet guy and 'nice' guy. I say that because if you have no problem with the way things are in terms of how much you help people you wouldn't even need to ask. The fact that you are asking implies that you must feel that you're going a bit too far with things.
This may not be the case for you but i find that is often true of people asking this question.
This may not be the case for you but i find that is often true of people asking this question.
Went to a salsa class for the first time in my life last night... and this is a gold mine, damn!
Plenty of beatiful girls and most of them pretty open to talk, teach the movements and dance with you. I'm a total newbie (and dance like a wooden stick) and the class was intermediate level so I was pretty lost but had a lot of fun (changing your partner in the wheel dance made for a lot of lol moments)
There was one bitc.. girl though that reproached me for not having enough level to dance with her. She didn't dance with me in the wheel dance and told me that I should go to Wednesday class because it's for beginners. I did apologise and told her "I'll come back another Tuesday and give you a dance that will make you change your underwear afterwards".
So tonight I'll go again and start doing my best to keep my promises ;P
For the people asking where to go to find/interact with women... go to salsa classes. Seriously.
Plenty of beatiful girls and most of them pretty open to talk, teach the movements and dance with you. I'm a total newbie (and dance like a wooden stick) and the class was intermediate level so I was pretty lost but had a lot of fun (changing your partner in the wheel dance made for a lot of lol moments)
There was one bitc.. girl though that reproached me for not having enough level to dance with her. She didn't dance with me in the wheel dance and told me that I should go to Wednesday class because it's for beginners. I did apologise and told her "I'll come back another Tuesday and give you a dance that will make you change your underwear afterwards".
So tonight I'll go again and start doing my best to keep my promises ;P
For the people asking where to go to find/interact with women... go to salsa classes. Seriously.
Deadly Cyclone
Pride of Iowa State
So, maybe I can post my situation here. I feel mine is more of one that lacks opportunity, rather than my willingness to actually get out and find someone.
I still live in the town I went to college in. The only people I have left in town that I hang out with on a consistent basis is one of my best friends and his wife (whom were dating when I met them, so I am close to both of them) and my younger brother (22 to my 25) and his friends that are alright. Thing is, my best friend and wife don't go out much as they are married. They go do stuff, they just don't do the bar scene or anything like that anymore. So basically I have to rely on my bro and his buddies to go out with once in a while, and that's a madhouse when it happens.
So my issue is that I cannot seem to meet anyone that even shows the slight bit of interest in me (New Years Eve aside, as the girl I met there is in South America for a year). Any new girl I do happen to meet just doesn't really seem to care, at all. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for someone to just be into me the second we meet, but hell, a smile here or there, a warm shoulder approach, anything helps me to see that they at least like me being around.
Basically I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have contemplated moving because I would like to get out of the state for a few years and live in a big city, but haven't found a job yet to take me there. So I'm in this weird in-between state where I can't meet anyone here, but can't seem to get out of here. I'm on OKCupid and am trying e-harmony for a month ($60! Seriously?) and not much has come out of those. I don't have issues chatting with women or anything really, it's just not one has shown a slight bit of interest.
I don't have a lot of time to do classes or anything, but I had thought about taking a language course at the college I went to for the hell of it. Maybe that would be a good idea.
Thoughts?
Also, props to the OP for adding my P90X thread in there.
I still live in the town I went to college in. The only people I have left in town that I hang out with on a consistent basis is one of my best friends and his wife (whom were dating when I met them, so I am close to both of them) and my younger brother (22 to my 25) and his friends that are alright. Thing is, my best friend and wife don't go out much as they are married. They go do stuff, they just don't do the bar scene or anything like that anymore. So basically I have to rely on my bro and his buddies to go out with once in a while, and that's a madhouse when it happens.
So my issue is that I cannot seem to meet anyone that even shows the slight bit of interest in me (New Years Eve aside, as the girl I met there is in South America for a year). Any new girl I do happen to meet just doesn't really seem to care, at all. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for someone to just be into me the second we meet, but hell, a smile here or there, a warm shoulder approach, anything helps me to see that they at least like me being around.
Basically I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have contemplated moving because I would like to get out of the state for a few years and live in a big city, but haven't found a job yet to take me there. So I'm in this weird in-between state where I can't meet anyone here, but can't seem to get out of here. I'm on OKCupid and am trying e-harmony for a month ($60! Seriously?) and not much has come out of those. I don't have issues chatting with women or anything really, it's just not one has shown a slight bit of interest.
I don't have a lot of time to do classes or anything, but I had thought about taking a language course at the college I went to for the hell of it. Maybe that would be a good idea.
Thoughts?
Also, props to the OP for adding my P90X thread in there.
Hypereides
Member
Ever been to a Sunset boulevard? Dunno about where you are from, but here... sweet baby gorilla jesus. Its a meat market.
Baconsaurus Rex
Member
I have to warn you: dating a friend of your sister can get you in really awkward situations. How much time do they spend together? Chances are that the girl has to split her time to make both you and your sister happy.
Believe me, I'm in that same boat right now.
And a quick tip for the night: do not make a fool of yourself in front of your sister. Act cool and just be yourself.
RelentlessRolento
Member
those are some of the best
Don't go with the goal of picking her friends up. Just go with the goal of having fun. Remember that if your sister is beyond wasted, you (moreso than her friends) are responsible for making sure she gets home okay.
If there's a few girls there that you're attracted to, just say hello and try talking with them. The other thing is that you'll be in a club, so don't feel like you have to limit yourself to the girls that are in your sister's party group.
Could probably use some talking out of this
Last semester there was a girl who seemed quite interested in me and ended up adding me on facebook. I asked her out three times but she bailed each time even though she sounded very enthusiastic about it all. Of course, this got really boring as I didn't get a real chance to get to know her and thus removed her from my friends list as I barely knew her at all. I didn't tell her off or block her, just a silent removal, as I have nothing against her.
We saw each other this Saturday for the first time in maybe three months and I tried saying hi from a distance as I walked home with another girl. It was pretty clear she wasn't thrilled to see me (a facial expression that said "Go away, jerk!"). I feel like I should contact her and explain what happened. Bad idea, right? :S We have a few friends in common but since I haven't run into her for three months, that's no big deal, nor a reason to try and "fix it". I don't really care if she's mad at me, but at the same time, it's not the nicest thing in the world to know someone got hurt either. Especially for the wrong reasons.
Last semester there was a girl who seemed quite interested in me and ended up adding me on facebook. I asked her out three times but she bailed each time even though she sounded very enthusiastic about it all. Of course, this got really boring as I didn't get a real chance to get to know her and thus removed her from my friends list as I barely knew her at all. I didn't tell her off or block her, just a silent removal, as I have nothing against her.
We saw each other this Saturday for the first time in maybe three months and I tried saying hi from a distance as I walked home with another girl. It was pretty clear she wasn't thrilled to see me (a facial expression that said "Go away, jerk!"). I feel like I should contact her and explain what happened. Bad idea, right? :S We have a few friends in common but since I haven't run into her for three months, that's no big deal, nor a reason to try and "fix it". I don't really care if she's mad at me, but at the same time, it's not the nicest thing in the world to know someone got hurt either. Especially for the wrong reasons.
Couldn't agree more. It takes a lot of guts to actually go to salsalessons but if you get over that...it's great. You HAVE to have physical contact with women so you can get used to and not get nervous. Plus it'll be easy to just socialize with women and find out what works and what doesn't. Plus: dancing is totally awesome and you get major bonuspoints for being able, and daring to dance.
And for people being afraid they'll be seen as a pussy...I've had the complete opposite experience so far. I'd advise anyone who can get over the initial hurdle to give it a shot.
samus i am
Member
Could probably use some talking out of this
Last semester there was a girl who seemed quite interested in me and ended up adding me on facebook. I asked her out three times but she bailed each time even though she sounded very enthusiastic about it all. Of course, this got really boring as I didn't get a real chance to get to know her and thus removed her from my friends list as I barely knew her at all. I didn't tell her off or block her, just a silent removal, as I have nothing against her.
We saw each other this Saturday for the first time in maybe three months and I tried saying hi from a distance as I walked home with another girl. It was pretty clear she wasn't thrilled to see me (a facial expression that said "Go away, jerk!"). I feel like I should contact her and explain what happened. Bad idea, right? :S We have a few friends in common but since I haven't run into her for three months, that's no big deal, nor a reason to try and "fix it". I don't really care if she's mad at me, but at the same time, it's not the nicest thing in the world to know someone got hurt either. Especially for the wrong reasons.
Seriously, DON'T!
Could probably use some talking out of this
Last semester there was a girl who seemed quite interested in me and ended up adding me on facebook. I asked her out three times but she bailed each time even though she sounded very enthusiastic about it all. Of course, this got really boring as I didn't get a real chance to get to know her and thus removed her from my friends list as I barely knew her at all. I didn't tell her off or block her, just a silent removal, as I have nothing against her.
We saw each other this Saturday for the first time in maybe three months and I tried saying hi from a distance as I walked home with another girl. It was pretty clear she wasn't thrilled to see me (a facial expression that said "Go away, jerk!"). I feel like I should contact her and explain what happened. Bad idea, right? :S We have a few friends in common but since I haven't run into her for three months, that's no big deal, nor a reason to try and "fix it". I don't really care if she's mad at me, but at the same time, it's not the nicest thing in the world to know someone got hurt either. Especially for the wrong reasons.
She's angry because you didn't put up with her bullshit. You shouldn't feel bad about anything.
You didn't hurt her. She's just jealous that you didn't play along with her games, and that other girls have your attention now.Could probably use some talking out of this
Last semester there was a girl who seemed quite interested in me and ended up adding me on facebook. I asked her out three times but she bailed each time even though she sounded very enthusiastic about it all. Of course, this got really boring as I didn't get a real chance to get to know her and thus removed her from my friends list as I barely knew her at all. I didn't tell her off or block her, just a silent removal, as I have nothing against her.
We saw each other this Saturday for the first time in maybe three months and I tried saying hi from a distance as I walked home with another girl. It was pretty clear she wasn't thrilled to see me (a facial expression that said "Go away, jerk!"). I feel like I should contact her and explain what happened. Bad idea, right? :S We have a few friends in common but since I haven't run into her for three months, that's no big deal, nor a reason to try and "fix it". I don't really care if she's mad at me, but at the same time, it's not the nicest thing in the world to know someone got hurt either. Especially for the wrong reasons.
Honestly, you're doing it right.
Don't add her to FB again, don't apologize for what you did.
Any girl who flakes on you once (let alone multiple times) without rescheduling isn't interested and therefore isn't worth your time. Recognize this and you'll waste less time and emotion stressing about girls who clearly don't give a shit about you.
Atramental
Banned
If a girl says "I already have boyfriend" or "I just got out of a relationship" what is the best way to respond?
I'm still in no condition to be asking girls out but I just want some examples that I can fall back on when the time comes.
I'm still in no condition to be asking girls out but I just want some examples that I can fall back on when the time comes.
Needs some more context, but they are by no means negative statements. A girl saying she just got out of a relationship is practically an invitation for sex.
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