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Add me to the list. What the fuck is going on

poodaddy

Member
May 2, 2015
5,029
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Washington
My wife is leaving me. My world. My air. 11 years married, almost 12 together. She's not in love, says she can't reclaim it, that she doesn't believe I can change. I've put in so much effort. I'm seeing a psychiatrist now, getting on medication, getting my depression under control. I'm loyal, I'm a good father, a good man, but it's not enough. She won't even see a marital therapist with me. Says she's not receptive to it, that she's fine, but that I need help.

Is there something in the air? The water? Why is everyone up and leaving each other now? Why are people throwing away decades of devotion and love, partnership and togetherness, all at the drop of a dime.

My daughter is devastated. I feel like it's my fault. It probably is. She had a panic attack last night, held on to me for dear life. I very literally wanted to die. She said the stress was too much, and asked me to stay with her always. I told her I'll always be with her, forever and ever, always on her side and her best friend. She doesn't want just her daddy. She doesn't want just her mommy. She wants both. I told her I tried so hard, I did everything, I changed every part of myself, I did everything imaginable and my life was the two of them. I have no meaning beyond the family I've made. I wanted to give my girl the ideal childhood. The real one, that healthy, beautiful childhood. The dog, the cats, the house, the traveling, the hiking, teaching her music, helping her with homework, playing games, having fun, helping her through good and bad. We've got it all.....it's all so good. She's shattering everything and nothing I do can fix it.

Christ I don't know what to do. I don't know who I am. I'm a father, a husband. That's my joy, and it's all I've ever wanted to be. I love her so much, I'd move mountains for her, but she'd rather move them alone....and I know she can. She doesn't need me. She's better than me.

I don't want to be alone. I'm addicted to love, it's my opium. My daughter is my world, but romance is a drug for me. I'm not like other people, I can't stand to be single. I don't function well, I lift weights and take care of myself because I know I need to be healthy and strong for my family. What reason do I have without them?

My daughter said she'd choose to live with me if it came down to that, but this is a liberal state and I've had severe bouts of depression and the VA sent me a gun lock for my pistol because of my wrestling with suicidal tendencies. That's all on record, and she can use it against me to keep my daughter from me. She said she'd never keep my daughter from me, but she doesn't know that my daughter will choose me. What happens when she finds out? Does she try to take my little girl from me?

I'm 34 years old....this is my second marriage. I thought I was done. I thought everything was going to be a fairy tale this time. I'm fucking terrified, I'm distraught, I'm tired, and I just want this all to be a bad dream. 11 years, family was my existence. Now what is existence?
 

Tschumi

Gold Member
Jul 4, 2020
5,455
5,958
800
Mark time. Days will pass, ways forward will present themselves. It will get easier.

Your wife is a human, she's allowed to discover new things about herself and make mistakes. Maybe saying yes was a mistake. You're allowed to make mistakes, too.

Your daughter's opinion of you is so very fortunate. Maintain this healthy relationship. Learn, grow, be honest about what went wrong and make changes with this crucial injection of motivation.

You didn't fail, the institution of marriage and the way you and your wife understood it failed. Maybe you didn't totally understand what your job was. Maybe you will now.
 

NahaNago

Member
Aug 29, 2014
4,686
1,797
600
First off you need to see or call someone like immediately since you suffer from depression. Like others have said focus on what you can control. Do your best to continue being a good father to your daughter.

She is going to get the girl and you have already listed the reason why.

Before you were a husband or a father you was an individual who wasn't a husband or a father (like duh). You being addicted to love is a bit disturbing.

I'm really surprised family is your existence in this day and age.
 

MrFancypants

Gold Member
Dec 17, 2019
1,673
2,828
655
Oxford
Fuck off incel cunt.
It’s not often I agree with you, but yeah, PleaseDontBanMe? Please, do ban him. Utter douchebag.

OP, you need to focus utter and completely on your daughter. You may feel like you’ve lost everything, but you still have her, and she needs you now more than ever. Put aside any feelings of suicide and give 100% to her.
 
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nush

Gold Member
Oct 16, 2017
12,629
35,312
915
A long haul flight from wherever you are.
Is there something in the air? The water? Why is everyone up and leaving each other now? Why are people throwing away decades of devotion and love, partnership and togetherness, all at the drop of a dime.

Honestly, it's probably a cascade effect. One or more women in her social (media) sphere got divorced and is bragging about "Being a free independent woman, look how good my life is, come join me sisters" and like sheep some women follow them. This might not be relevant to your specific situation but you recognize that it seems to be a bit common right now.

Talk it through with friends or talk it through with us, you're not alone.
 

GymWolf

Member
Jun 11, 2019
19,747
29,883
670
Marriage being mostly a farce is nothing new where i live since forever.

I'm sorry dude, not much to say when something like this happen, take care of your daughter, she is gonna suffer more than anyone.

And don't jump on conclusions about being your fault only or at all, because it's probably bullshit, love ends every hour in every part of the world everyday, sometimes it's nobody faults.
 
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TheCockatrice

Member
Jun 16, 2019
3,319
6,737
640
Sorry OP...that fucking sucks. Obviously now is not the time but once you deal with this, maybe seek some other type of council or someone else if you already are. I always like to take a neutral stance and there has to be a reason why after 11 years she left you. A lot of unsolved baggage can ruin what may seem like a pleasant marriage. Take care of yourself and your daughter.
 
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jdforge

Member
Jul 20, 2004
2,167
926
1,690
You’re only 34. Plenty of time to find someone who will love you for you, without making you feel you have to change every aspect of yourself just to please someone else. Fuck that.

And if not, single life isn’t as bad as you might think it is at this moment.

Your wife sounds like a complete cunt btw. Better off without someone like that.
 

SafeOrAlone

Member
May 22, 2018
1,944
2,009
445
It will get better. Puff your chest, talk yourself up mentally, and give yourself some credit.

Don't cry to the wife, whatever you do. Not now. Respect her decision, give her space, and you will start to feel stronger out of respect for yourself.
Your daughter loves you. Congrats.

All easier said than done, but that's my advice. Best wishes.
 

poodaddy

Member
May 2, 2015
5,029
1,463
800
Washington
You’re only 34. Plenty of time to find someone who will love you for you, without making you feel you have to change every aspect of yourself just to please someone else. Fuck that.

And if not, single life isn’t as bad as you might think it is at this moment.

Your wife sounds like a complete cunt btw. Better off without someone like that.
She's not. I appreciate it but she's not. I've just ruined everything. I didn't get to working on myself quick enough. I'll never meet someone half as gorgeous, unique, or intelligent as her. She was/is out of my league on absolutely cosmic levels, the gulf between us massive. I always knew this, but just figured I got lucky. Figured maybe I'd stay lucky. Naive. Stupid.

She ultimately still gave me a reason to live. My daughter is everything amazing about her, but she's somehow all of my good traits too and none of my bad. She's perfect, she's absolutely perfect, and raising her and watching her grow is a privilege on levels that I can't possibly put into words. I lack the intellect. I can only say this. It has been good. Better than I deserved.

I always assumed I'd be alone forever when I was young. I was wrong for 12 ish years all things said. I'm thankful for my time. I just don't want it to end. I can't bear the thought. I'm greedy. I don't want much. Just them.
 
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INC

Member
Jan 8, 2018
7,679
15,721
740
Best advice, don't take advice from me lol

Honestly I've been there, and what's turned my life around massively is being 100% positive and realization that's its not me.

Obviously if you have kids that changes everything, but for me my life in the last week's has been amazing, when a month or so before I was at rock bottom

It's corny, but this 100% worked for me, and that's be the positivity to everyone around you, you be that change, and it draws people to you, everything in my life is better now, family and friends relationships,y own self worth.

Don't let someone else's thought and actions define who and what you are.

Good luck dude, if ya need a chat, DM me, happy to be the dude you vent too
 

Methos#1975

Member
Dec 28, 2014
571
723
635
Your family is still your existence, obviously your daughter is still very much part of your life. You focus on that now. That dream of giving her a happy healthy beautiful childhood doesn't end because your wife steps away and changed the dynamics, it's still very much a attainable goal.
 
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EviLore

Expansive Ellipses
Staff Member
May 30, 2004
28,625
71,377
2,475
She's not. I appreciate it but she's not. I've just ruined everything. I didn't get to working on myself quick enough. I'll never meet someone half as gorgeous, unique, or intelligent as her. She was/is out of my league on absolutely cosmic levels, the gulf between us massive. I always knew this, but just figured I got lucky. Figured maybe I'd stay lucky. Naive. Stupid.

She ultimately still gave me a reason to live. My daughter is everything amazing about her, but she's somehow all of my good traits too and none of my bad. She's perfect, she's absolutely perfect, and raising her and watching her grow is a privilege on levels that I can't possibly put into words. I lack the intellect. I can only say this. It has been good. Better than I deserved.

I always assumed I'd be alone forever when I was young. I was wrong for 12 ish years all things said. I'm thankful for my time. I just don't want it to end. I can't bear the thought. I'm greedy. I don't want much. Just them.
Sorry you're going through all this.

Relationship dynamics like this are doomed to failure. You're inevitably jumping through an endless series of hoops for her, and every jump you take she will respect you less for doing so, even as she holds up the next hoop. Now you're left exhausted and diminished by this process, and she has "fallen out of love" even though you devoted yourself to making her happy.

You have to be secure and respect yourself, value yourself inherently, or she won't. She's on too high a pedestal in your eyes. Take her off that pedestal and see her as a fallible, awkward, smelly primate like you. Have your own goals and aspirations and prioritize them no matter what. Women want someone they're proud of, not someone who lives for their sake.

There may or may not be any salvaging this situation. Stay strong either way. Be there for your daughter, and protect yourself when it comes time for divorce proceedings. Document and record. Find out if she's been seeing someone else on the side. It's common.
 

catvonpee

Member
Jul 10, 2021
409
744
295
www.ironheart.co.uk
Best wishes to you OP. I've been through two divorces myself. There's really nothing anyone can say to make it any less painful. But just be there for your daughter and things will sort themselves out. Stiff upper lip and put one foot in front of the other.
 
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poodaddy

Member
May 2, 2015
5,029
1,463
800
Washington
Sorry you're going through all this.

Relationship dynamics like this are doomed to failure. You're inevitably jumping through an endless series of hoops for her, and every jump you take she will respect you less for doing so, even as she holds up the next hoop. Now you're left exhausted and diminished by this process, and she has "fallen out of love" even though you devoted yourself to making her happy.

You have to be secure and respect yourself, value yourself inherently, or she won't. She's on too high a pedestal in your eyes. Take her off that pedestal and see her as a fallible, awkward, smelly primate like you. Have your own goals and aspirations and prioritize them no matter what. Women want someone they're proud of.

There may or may not be any salvaging this situation. Stay strong either way. Be there for your daughter, and protect yourself when it comes time for divorce proceedings. Document and record. Find out if she's been seeing someone else on the side. It's common.
I know you're right....but I can't see any way to reckon with it right now. I'm trying hard. Honestly I am.

I haven't a hope in hell if it goes to court. I'm a medically disabled army veteran in a liberal state who has, unfortunately I suppose, seeked help for depression from medical professionals. At her behest. I'll be seen as unfit, damaged. My best hope is to keep it from going to court.

I'm many things. Not just a broke dick med boarded soldier. I've made a lot of mistakes. Haven't always shown my best side to the world.

But I'm thoughtful. I'm strong. I'm loving. I'm loyal. I'm dedicated.

And I'm a goddamn amazing father. I don't care if that comes off presumptuous or braggadocios, it's the truth. I've dedicated my entire life to being the parent that I didn't have. I love that girl so fucking much. I can't bear the thought of losing her. Like I said, she claimed she won't try that. I almost believe it as she works so much and is going to school full time, and is in the Air Guard and barely has any time for us at all, so frankly she hasn't been an amazing mother for a while now. She may consider me taking her to be a blessing, I don't know. I know she loves her too though, she does. I just hate that this is happening. That brilliant little girl doesn't deserve this. She's done nothing wrong. I hate this so much.

Hate, I don't know. Do I hate? Seems the wrong word. I don't know what I feel. Just sad. Pretty much just sad. Sad doesn't seem to communicate it either though. There may not be a proper word for this feeling in English. It feels like I'm watching someone I love spoil something innocent and beautiful, and I can't do anything but sit and watch.

Thank you for your time and responses everyone. I'm going to try and get a few hours of sleep. I don't really know why I started this thread. Maybe seeking pity like a weak dullard. Maybe seeking like minds. Maybe advice. I don't know what I think or am honestly. But I know I really do appreciate you guys. I really do. Thank you for giving me some time.
 
x1

OneBigPuss

Member
Aug 15, 2020
287
585
345
It’s not often I agree with you, but yeah, PleaseDontBanMe? Please, do ban him. Utter douchebag.

OP, you need to focus utter and completely on your daughter. You may feel like you’ve lost everything, but you still have her, and she needs you now more than ever. Put aside any feelings of suicide and give 100% to her.
What did he say?
 
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NeoIkaruGAF

Member
Dec 8, 2019
2,247
4,101
515
Hold on tight, man. Right now it’s pretty natural to see everything that can go bad, going to go bad.
Right now you have to take care of yourself, and keep being a good father. This is something no one could take it away from you. Control what you can, do what you can, live day by day, don’t do anything rash. The time is going to come when you‘ll start to see new avenues for yourself.

And don’t isolate yourself, thinking nobody would understand or support you. Talk with friends. Let some steam out.
 

Maiden Voyage

Gold™ Member
Sep 5, 2014
9,877
17,783
1,280
USA
Honestly, it's probably a cascade effect. One or more women in her social (media) sphere got divorced and is bragging about "Being a free independent woman, look how good my life is, come join me sisters" and like sheep some women follow them. This might not be relevant to your specific situation but you recognize that it seems to be a bit common right now.

Talk it through with friends or talk it through with us, you're not alone.
Yes. It's the same side effect as the 'great resignation' stuff in my mind. Covid forced people to re-think their current situation and what they want going forward. Couple that with people who normally spend a good portion of their days apart now living on top of each other and you have the perfect storm.

 

nush

Gold Member
Oct 16, 2017
12,629
35,312
915
A long haul flight from wherever you are.
Yes. It's the same side effect as the 'great resignation' stuff in my mind. Covid forced people to re-think their current situation and what they want going forward. Couple that with people who normally spend a good portion of their days apart now living on top of each other and you have the perfect storm.


That's what I was specifically thinking about with my post.
 

MrFancypants

Gold Member
Dec 17, 2019
1,673
2,828
655
Oxford
Yes. It's the same side effect as the 'great resignation' stuff in my mind. Covid forced people to re-think their current situation and what they want going forward. Couple that with people who normally spend a good portion of their days apart now living on top of each other and you have the perfect storm.
This is one of the main reasons why, for the time being, I’m happy being single. This is the second thread I’ve seen on here in recent weeks about a divorce, but I daresay there’s more. I had one relationship years ago (toxic as fuck) where we were together most of the time. I daren’t imagine what it would be like in lockdown.
 
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Excess

Member
Dec 8, 2020
703
1,166
355
In every relationship, there's the hand and the bird, or more literally: one person will always care more about the relationship than the other.

My man, your kid is your priority now. I actually kind of envy you for having a kid. I'm about your age and I haven't settled down cuz I spend too much time working. You're healthy, you're a veteran (props brother), you seem to be a good guy, and you have a daughter. You have a lot to be thankful for.
 

Maiden Voyage

Gold™ Member
Sep 5, 2014
9,877
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I think the increase in negative behaviors (increased drinking, stress eating/weight-gain, etc.) is also adding to the problem IMO.

This is one of the main reasons why, for the time being, I’m happy being single. This is the second thread I’ve seen on here in recent weeks about a divorce, but I daresay there’s more. I had one relationship years ago (toxic as fuck) where we were together most of the time. I daren’t imagine what it would be like in lockdown.
Just as a counter anecdote, my wife and I are closer now because of covid. But we've never felt that we've had too much time together so far in our relationship. My. work travel has been more negatively impactful to our relationship than COVID has.
 

trikster40

Member
Dec 12, 2008
2,445
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Geez, man, my heartfelt sympathy and prayers go out to you. So sorry to hear about your situation and wish there was an easy solution.
 

MrFancypants

Gold Member
Dec 17, 2019
1,673
2,828
655
Oxford
Just as a counter anecdote, my wife and I are closer now because of covid. But we've never felt that we've had too much time together so far in our relationship. My. work travel has been more negatively impactful to our relationship than COVID has.
I’m not saying all relationships will inevitably suffer during lockdown. It all comes down to how that particular relationship was prior to COVID. If you get along well with your partner, or have been married for a while, it’s fair to say you’re likely to come out the other end unscathed. But, if you have a relationship with zero trust and apparent coercive control, it’s only going to end badly.
 
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Maiden Voyage

Gold™ Member
Sep 5, 2014
9,877
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I’m not saying all relationships will inevitably suffer during lockdown. It all comes down to how that particular relationship was prior to COVID. If you get along well with your partner, or have been married for a while, it’s fair to say you’re likely to come out the other end unscathed. But, if you have a relationship with zero trust and apparent coercive control, it’s only going to end badly.
For sure. IMO the divorce rates prior to covid gave a bleak outlook. I'm surprised many are still willing to even get married.
 

DeepBreath87

Member
Jun 15, 2019
4,164
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615
So let’s just dispense with the “woe is me”. This sucks. There’s no two ways about it. But the “I tried to do this and that” and “I’m a good husband/father” does not mesh with “she’s better than me” and “it’s all my fault”.

If you did all these things to change yourself and improve, it’s not all your fault. And if you did put on all that effort and she’s throwing it all away; she’s not better than you. She’s a bitch and a self centered piece of shit for what she’s doing to you and your daughter.

Now if you’re leaving out all the parts of the story where you fucked up and are just blaming all your mistakes on “depression” as though you aren’t responsible for consequences of your emotions, then you need to come to grips with that.

Either way, what you’re going through is terrible. But you need to get your story straight. Because what you’re saying here is schizophrenic. It’s “I’m great and I tried really hard but my wife is better than me while also blowing up my family.”
 
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Romulus

Member
Mar 21, 2019
6,778
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555
This is pretty widespread tbh. Some of the most solid relationships I've known of have crumbled in the last year.
 
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Catphish

Member
Jan 13, 2017
2,668
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Chicago, IL, USA
I have tears in my eyes, reading this. I’ve been down a similar path, losing my wife and daughter to divorce, the difference being that it happened early, while the marriage was young, and my daughter was less than 4 years old.

My ex and I needed to part ways. We were not good for each other. But my daughter. Jesus Christ, going from being with her every single day to just two days a week was fucking torment beyond description. I was so sad, so adrift, so guilt-ridden for failing to provide her with the type of life you described so vividly.

I drank, smoked, turned within, when I was alone, and on the days I had her, I treated her like a goddamned princess and made the best of every second we had together. On the days she wasn’t with me, I called her every single day. I needed her to know that she was in my heart and thoughts always. Hearing her voice on the phone when she was 20 miles away was fucking murder. All I wanted to do was hold her, hug her, kiss her little face, put her on my shoulders. And it was like drowning, dying inside, every fucking time. But, it wasn’t about me. It was about her. And she needed to know that daddy was here, even when he wasn’t. And that’s all I could do for awhile.

But, like all painful things, it got easier with time. Days passed, weeks passed, years passed. Many tears were shed, and fuck me if the whole ordeal wasn’t the toughest test of my fucking life, but we’re making it work. Things normalized. I moved closer to her and her mom. Now I see her 4 days a week. My daughter’s 12 now, and we have a great relationship. We still talk every day, and we’re very open about where we’ve been, and where we’re going. She knows the divorce never had anything to do with her. And my constant involvement in her life has helped her feel secure in spite of everything.

I know you’re hurting, poodaddy poodaddy , and I know the pain is razing you to your fucking core. I know it. I’ve felt it. So here are three things I want you to remember:

1) YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You’re not the first man to walk this path, and you won’t be the last. Find someone to talk to about your feelings as you go through this. If you want, PM me and I’ll give you my number. I’d be happy to make your acquaintance.

2) THE PAIN WILL FADE WITH TIME. It may take months or years, but it WILL get easier. So hang in there. Focus on yourself. Learn to be ok with being alone. The last thing you want to do is rebound into some bullshit that actually makes your situation worse. It’s ok to learn to fly solo for awhile, even a long while.

3 (and most important)) YOUR DAUGHTER NEEDS YOU. So keep your head on straight. Some grief is good, a few benders are expected, but don’t allow yourself to tumble down the hole so deep that you can’t get back up. Your daughter will always need you, no matter the living situation, so keep your shit together for her sake. You don’t have the luxury of self-destruction.

Bonus Item: YOU’RE GOING TO BE OK. What is life if not love and loss? Nothing is forever, in spite of our best effort. Trust the Universe, and flow with it. All you can change is yourself. Other people, even spouses who seem secure, are beyond your control. Try to let them do what they need to do, and exist as loving kindness in spite of it. Not because they deserve it, but because you do.

My sympathy and empathy are with you, deeply. Feel free to reach out anytime if you want to talk.

❤️💪
 

ClanOfNone

Member
Nov 24, 2018
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Being a great father counts for a hell of a lot. And you’ll still be one regardless of how this plays out. When your daughter grows up you’ll have that strong lifelong bond with her to carry with you.


My daughters were ages 7 and 2 when I basically got full custody of them. The younger one doesn't remember mom too much, she was kinda a persona non grata by that point.
My oldest remembers PLENTY, and the bond we forged during the separation from her mother is of cosmic proportions. We practically read each other's thoughts. She's a junior in high school now and I couldn't be more proud of her.

op, this to shall pass. Concentrate on your daughter and yourself. DON'T speak negatively of her mother, even if you are receiving tons of shit on your end. Be civil, maintain the moral high ground, set the example. Your daughter is watching, be the man she needs you to be.
 

Peggies

Member
Jan 7, 2011
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Vienna, Austria
I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through! Stay strong, OP. You're not alone.

It's so sad that longterm companionships don't seem to work anymore.

It's like one part always gets soaked into that stupid fear of missing out or the possibibility of doing better. It's childish and shitty, especially when you have kids together.
 

MaestroMike

Member
Sep 25, 2011
2,567
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940
sorry brother maybe stay away from the heavy weights and high intensity exercises for now that'll add to your stress just do a lot of walking and high volume low intensity exercises use light weights high reps. super saiyan exercises burn ur energy real quick and your mind doesn't feel as right when the tank is empty
 
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T8SC

Member
Jun 22, 2013
2,465
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Firstly, don't blame yourself.

Secondly, look after your daughter. Go above & beyond to make sure shes not affected (or at least try to hide her from the shit).

Thirdly, the why? As others have touched on, I'd say it a combination of Social Media shite being posted and Covid isolation/lockdown stuff. It affects people in different ways.

You're 34, you're not over the hill, plenty of life left and plenty more fish in the sea when the time is right. But first & foremost, your daughter is #1 priority along with your career/job as you need to support her.
 
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Razvedka

Member
Oct 20, 2018
662
897
415
Sorry you're going through all this.

Relationship dynamics like this are doomed to failure. You're inevitably jumping through an endless series of hoops for her, and every jump you take she will respect you less for doing so, even as she holds up the next hoop. Now you're left exhausted and diminished by this process, and she has "fallen out of love" even though you devoted yourself to making her happy.

You have to be secure and respect yourself, value yourself inherently, or she won't. She's on too high a pedestal in your eyes. Take her off that pedestal and see her as a fallible, awkward, smelly primate like you. Have your own goals and aspirations and prioritize them no matter what. Women want someone they're proud of, not someone who lives for their sake.

There may or may not be any salvaging this situation. Stay strong either way. Be there for your daughter, and protect yourself when it comes time for divorce proceedings. Document and record. Find out if she's been seeing someone else on the side. It's common.
Agree with lore here, all you other males on this place take a good hard look at this post.
 

jdforge

Member
Jul 20, 2004
2,167
926
1,690
She's not. I appreciate it but she's not. I've just ruined everything. I didn't get to working on myself quick enough. I'll never meet someone half as gorgeous, unique, or intelligent as her. She was/is out of my league on absolutely cosmic levels, the gulf between us massive. I always knew this, but just figured I got lucky. Figured maybe I'd stay lucky. Naive. Stupid.

She ultimately still gave me a reason to live. My daughter is everything amazing about her, but she's somehow all of my good traits too and none of my bad. She's perfect, she's absolutely perfect, and raising her and watching her grow is a privilege on levels that I can't possibly put into words. I lack the intellect. I can only say this. It has been good. Better than I deserved.

I always assumed I'd be alone forever when I was young. I was wrong for 12 ish years all things said. I'm thankful for my time. I just don't want it to end. I can't bear the thought. I'm greedy. I don't want much. Just them.

Actually no. Bitch sounds like a complete narcissist to me. The very fact that you feel you’re not good enough for her speaks volumes. Coupled with the fact that you are struggling with your mental health and feel you are sorely to blame, these are all characteristics of a victim of narcism. She’s made you feel you can’t cope, function or go on without her - you’ve been under attack and you don’t even realise it and how much damage she has caused, completely eroding your confidence of self worth. She’s a skilled manipulator and in my opinion an absolute cunt and nasty piece of work.

When she’s out of your life and you’ve recovered from this horrible episode in your life, you will come to learn that above is true.

You need to get away from this person and concentrate on healing from her covert destruction of your very essence.

Your daughter wanting to live with you should tell you all you need to know.

it’s the very fact that you are starting to heal and work on yourself that scares your wife. She knows you’re starting to wake up, starting to realise that she can’t control you as she has done. That my friend is why she’s leaving.

Fuck her.
 
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synchronicity

Member
Dec 16, 2011
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Yes, it's tough. Especially when, in your own mind, things were "permanent". But, as hard as it may be to acknowledge (or even see), we lie to ourselves all the time. We have no control of others, or general circumstances largely. We are incredibly small, infinitesimally so, yet the universe saw fit to attach an ego. Oh the bitter irony. Just take things a moment at a time. All things pass, including pain and sense of loss.
 
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MachRc

Member
Mar 19, 2021
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I have two children now 12 and 10. My divorce started when they were 5 and 6.

Their mom used every lie possible in court to take the children, lied to take advantage of the child support system and eventually ended up abandoning one of our child to me and alienating the other for control.

I have filed my rfo last year may and still involved in getting my younger one for visits via reunification therapy and most likely a 730 evaluation in December. My children have not seen each other in more than a year and half now since mother moved hundred of miles away without court order. Family courts are very slow to act.

Like you I am very family centric and did my best to keep the family together no matter what. I tried my best to stay with a person who cheated and had a baby with her classmate for the children.

Because she had recently gone back to schoo full time. I paid 3000 dollars in support each month for almost 3 years. Then she graduated and dumped one kid on me because he refused to be coached.

Believe me when I tell you that I have never been hit harder than that in my life. Betrayal, being used, lied to, abandoned, accused disgusting things. I wish it on no one.


My love for my children and how hard I fought to be with them is the reason my current wife stayed in my relationship.

Be strong and stay true to who you are. It is going to be the tough. Let go of the person who you hold most dear. It took me awhile. Someone I thought I was going to live my life with. The mother of my children.

Try to be as amicable as you can and take emotions out of decisions from now on. "Fake it until you make it", was probably the best advice I got. Try your best to be amicable in the divorce. And maybe even settle everything outside of court via stipulations and working together without anger.

Because if you do not. The courts will side mostly with mom. I know that sound crazy but you have more to gain being nice and faking it. The less angry the ex , the less you may have to deal with this person trying to use dirty tactics for control and money. Take this advice seriously and think about it.

My ex is angry still because her baby daddy left before the child was born. She got a degree in some wack eastern medicine , has hundreds of thousand dollars in debt, gone through 6 relationships in the last 6 years , moves around like a rat, the money for half the house my family helped me pay her has dried up and now she knows my house is worth double. I am remarried happy and she is miserable and can only hurt me by keeping my daughter away. I will never forgive her , no mercy.


I am now the most happiest person I have been in my whole life. I swear to you after we have been thrown into the fire and left for scraps. After the ground we stood fell apart. Hitting the lowest point in our lives. Fucking rock bottom. Things can only get better. I swear it. It seems impossible. And you have a hard year coming up dealing with life changes. But it WILL get better.
There is nowhere else but to go up. Go through the emotions go through the heartache and pain. And by going through this toughest trial in your life it will make you more stronger more resilient , and I swear to you you will find happiness and look back and realize this person was not the one for you.

Find a little willpower and strength everyday for your child and keep at reclaiming the happiness you deserve.

Use this thread to ask questions and depend on us your brothers who have gone through the same as you can lean on us for help and guidance. I will take time to help in any way shape or form.

I hope it helps deep down in your heart that even though how wretched it can be there are people who care about you and your happiness.
 

gatti-man

Member
Aug 30, 2010
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I was having a hard time understanding until you said your age. When people in their early 20s get married it’s incredibly hard to stay together bc y’all aren’t done changing as people yet. It sucks but it’s very possible she just grew away from you in what she wants.

Im divorced and remarried. I told my current wife if we don’t work out I’m done with the whole thing of marriage. Divorce is a fucking nightmare all I can say is stay strong and there will be someone for you when you get through it all. Especially stay strong for your daughter if not for yourself. Get a pet like a dog or a cat or anything to keep you not alone.
 
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Vier

Member
Jun 7, 2019
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Sorry to hear that, and it may not help much as much as the decent advice from posters above, but at 34, you’re still in your prime as a man, with your best years ahead of you. Things will get better. Best of luck. (y)
 
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kittoo

Cretinously credulous
Apr 11, 2007
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The only correct method, at least in my experience and opinion, is to let them go. Yes it feels hard. Yes it seems end of the world. Yes all joy from your life seems gone. Yes all evenings and nights seem as if you will kill yourself. But.....
It will pass. Hours will become days and days will become months. The pain will be lesser. Meanwhile, as long as you truly leave them be, they will realize how great you really were. This bullshit of getting bored and out of love and not feeling the same? I have seen it a thousand times. If they could get someone better....they would have! If they couldnt get someone better than you 11 years ago, they sure as hell wont now. Dont sell yourself short. You are amazing and a catch. This is not your fault. Right now they think the excitement is out there, but after initial few months of feeling of freedom and excitement- they will realize life is same shit but much worse without you being there to take care of them and hold them and make everything better.
Truly leave them alone and take it like a champ. You will earn your own self-respect and theirs too. After all, what is more attractive than a man who is not afraid of unknown and fighting it out? By the time they come back, and they will, I hope you will be the one who would have moved on.
I am talking as a man who has gone through these things and seen people going through. In fact, right now I am going through one as I caught my partner cheating. So do drop a DM if ever you want to talk about it.
 
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BigBooper

Member
Feb 28, 2018
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My sympathy dude. If she doesn't even want to try to reconcile, she's probably got someone else.

As for the question of why is it happening so often, might be the covid lockdowns and people being stuck couped up together so much.
 

DragoonKain

Neighbours from Hell
Nov 13, 2013
7,940
16,707
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Hang in there.

I'm not married, , but I will say that if I was married, “not being in love anymore” is not something I’d consider an acceptable reason for a divorce. i mean from my perspective, I’d never ask for a divorce like that. I’m not saying an individual shouldn’t have a right to.

My logic is marriage is a commitment. No one is obligated to get married. Being less gaga or less attracted to someone in time comes with the territory of commitment. And if I were to marry and be in that situation, I’d stick it out because I cared about that person and cared about that commitment I made to them. Unless of course they were a mean abusive person and the marriage in general was just a train wreck. But if it was a healthy marriage and I woke up one day and just “didn’t love them like I used to” I’m sorry, that’s not a good reason for divorce. I’d never divorce for something like that. And I obviously don’t know your wife, but if she is, it tells me that marriage to her may just be about making her happy. When I think marriage is a team effort. A give and a take. It has to be, I’d think. Couples I know who’ve been married for many years and still have a great marriage always preach that.

I can’t offer much advice since I’ve never been married, but for now until pain starts to subside I say if your child is devastated, then be there for her and be the best dad you can right now. And if things don’t get patched up at any point with your wife, then look at this as a new opportunity to meet someone who does think the world begins and ends with you. As painful as this may be, when one chapter ends, begins another, and while it’s hard to view it as an opportunity now while you’re grieving, who knows. Maybe in 5 years you meet someone you’re more head over heels with than you’ve ever been and you make a post here saying you’re the happiest you’ve ever been.
 
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MrFancypants

Gold Member
Dec 17, 2019
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People have been getting divorced for many years now, but I can't help but to blame social media for a lot of this shit today.
Social media can be blamed for a lot of problems in the world today, but divorce ain’t one of them. Could you explain how you came to that conclusion?
 
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