• Hey, guest user. Hope you're enjoying NeoGAF! Have you considered registering for an account? Come join us and add your take to the daily discourse.

Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy

Status
Not open for further replies.

Danj

Member
I guess now is my chance to ask for some help. If anyone needs it, there is no doubt that I'm one of them.

I'm 25 years old (26 next month) and yet I've never had a girlfriend in my life. I am hardly what you would call a "normal" (whatever that means) guy. I have Asperger's syndrome, and this has made it exponentially harder for me to even carry a conversation with a girl. I frequently lose my train of thought and have trouble composing thoughts and sentences in an expedient manner. As a result, I've never had many friends before, and over the years has pushed me further and further towards isolationism.

As far as being successful? Well, I'm not. I still haven't obtained my Associate's degree, mostly due to a lack of money to pay for school, inability to find a job (see above), and personal problems have all held me back. As for my appearance, I'm pretty much your typical hardcore punk/metal dude. Some might see that as an immediate turn off, but it's who I am, and I can't see myself being any other way.

In short, I have a lot of problems. But I'll take any advice you guys can offer, so long as you're not an asshole about it.

Have you considered looking for support groups in or around your area? I can understand that you might not want to pursue the therapy option because of your financial situation but a support group might be a useful and less expensive alternative.

Also, don't feel bad about being 25 and never having had a girlfriend; I'm 33 and I've never had one either, so you're not the only one with that particular problem.
 
Asian chicks creep me out already, bible asian chicks have to be even worse. I'd bail out if I were you.
LOL advice noted. I'm not particularly into asian girls at all but I think I've been bit by the yellow fever recently.

Must be spending too much time on GAF.

I'd lean toward something like "Hey, you know it was cool talking to you, let's go on a date sometime." If she responds positively, you get her number. If she doesn't respond positively, her number was useless anyway.

When you use the word "date," everyone's on the same page and it makes things so much easier.
While I agree with you that using the word date makes things much easier, the word "date" can often times be an uncomfortable word to just throw out.

If you can pull it off, great, but I prefer something more natural like "Hey, you know it was cool talking to you, let's go out sometime." I think it gets the point across and rolls of the tongue better.

Of course, if she actually wants to go I doubt your wording will really matter.

Do you guys ever feel like women come in waves?
Dear god yes. All the time for me.

We've theorized about it in this thread before. A common theory is that the "wave" is due in part to the confidence you gain by being involved with a woman. When you have someone (or a potential someone), your confidence from that attracts other women, which seemingly works in reverse when you're completely single. I think it's a very valid theory, but you can't deny the fact that at times there are just more potential women then at other times. Just the way the world works.
 

Eggo

GameFan Alumnus
Just one picture thus far, myself at a wedding with a camera shoved in my face. I kind of have that "geek chic" thing going on lately, so hopefully newer pics will bring more visitors. Otherwise just the usual details of my life and what I'm looking for. I mix in some humor in my profile, and I put myself down as looking for just friends at the moment so that girls feel comfortable knowing I'm not on there only to be on the prowl.

The unfortunate thing about it is, since I live in Wisconsin, most of the girls on here are...undesirable, to say the least. Lots of coal to wade through to find the diamonds.

If I could figure out a way to link to my page, I would, but I don't think outside visitors are meant to see it.

Wait, do people use OKCupid to just make friends and not date? I just moved to a new city (Orlando), so I am looking to make new friends here, not romantic partners. Is OKC a viable option for that? I'm also trying meetup.com, but I'm open to other suggestions for rebuilding a social circle in a new town.
 

RawPower

Banned
Have you considered looking for support groups in or around your area? I can understand that you might not want to pursue the therapy option because of your financial situation but a support group might be a useful and less expensive alternative.

Also, don't feel bad about being 25 and never having had a girlfriend; I'm 33 and I've never had one either, so you're not the only one with that particular problem.

I don't think I even know what a support group is.
 
Wait, do people use OKCupid to just make friends and not date? I just moved to a new city (Orlando), so I am looking to make new friends here, not romantic partners. Is OKC a viable option for that? I'm also trying meetup.com, but I'm open to other suggestions for rebuilding a social circle in a new town.

I think that would be hard as most guys' profiles are geared towards attracting a potential mate. I'd certainly be weirded out if guys messaged me to hang out and shoot some hoops.
 

Kad5

Member
So I went to a rave.

I had a girl tell me that she thought I was insanely cute.

Later on a girl who is a recent acquaintance of mine made out with me. She told me since she made out with me that I should hook her up with stimulants for free.

I didn't really go with it but she she asked me for my number.

She also kept hitting on and telling me how she thought I was insanely smart and extremely cool while she was talking to this other guy so I was trying to avoid her later on that night.


I'm expecting a call tomorrow I guess.
 
So I went to a rave.

I had a girl tell me that she thought I was insanely cute.

Later on a girl who is a recent acquaintance of mine made out with me. She told me since she made out with me that I should hook her up with stimulants for free.

I didn't really go with it but she she asked me for my number.

She also kept hitting on and telling me how she thought I was insanely smart and extremely cool while she was talking to this other guy so I was trying to avoid her later on that night.


I'm expecting a call tomorrow I guess.
This made me laugh.

Whatever works man lol.
 

Idde

Member
Yeah, I can hold my own with my family and people who I know aren't judgmental assholes. But even with them, there are periods of "delay" where I have trouble composing my thought and spitting it out quickly enough. This hampers the flow of conversation.

To be fair though, I may have exaggerated a bit in my previous post, because there have been people who weren't able to tell the difference between me and any non-autistic person. This has proven to be both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I don't seem to instantly repulse girls that I'm interested in, but a curse because they expect better of me since I don't outwardly appear to have Asperger's.

I have some good news for you. Not everybody is an asshole or judgmental. Some might be, but that seriously shouldn't be any concern to you. Unless they're actually bothering you in day to day life, just ignore people like this. Don't take their shit personal and move on. There will always be assholes, they're not worth your time.

That other guy with Asperger's is a friend of an ex of mine. He grew up with people who weren't assholes so he practically said whatever came up. He wasn't inhibited by his stress (if I understand correctly, stress has a negative effect on Asperger's symptoms, right? Please correct me if I'm wrong :))

When I was walking with my then-girlfriend, him, another girl(who liked my girlfriend) and some other guys, out of the blue he said: "you do realise you're walking here with three other people who want to fuck Eva, right?" Some people looked shocked like: "wtf, how can you say that?" Eva, and me and some other people where like: "Euh...no problem that's just Victor, he says awkward/weird crap like that." He's also a kind, helpful, hardworking, hilarious and awesome guy. That's what we judge him on. How good of a person he is. Not on his Asperger's.

Legitimate question: do you automatically assume people judge you when you meet them for the first time?

Support groups are groups formed by people with the same condition (mostly) to give eachother advice, talk about their problems and find people who are just in the same situation. Never been to one but I heard good things about them.


Hi, I joined a Latin Dance class that meets every wendsday night. Today was my third class and the instructor had us switch partners through out the night. Anyways, I was very nervous as I know I am not a good dancer and I was sweating because of the nerves. Well, when the instructor informed us to switch parters, I got to partner up with a very cute girl. She was smiling the whole time we were dancing and even went easy on me as I told her about my two left feet. Anyways, I found her attractive and want to get to know her better, I could tell that there was interest on her part as well as she kept looking at me throughout the whole time we were dancing. Anyways, I want to get to know her more and eventually see what happens but this is the part where I always fail. I always get alot of attention from women but I always pussy out and never do anything. I just want to see what tips or steps I should take to over come this fear, I know once I get past the initial hurdle it will be alot easier.

Just a couple of general tips (if you need them): Don't worry or complain to much about your two left feet. I found a little self deprecating humor goes a long way, but you'll be and have more fun if you're just...well...having fun. I mess up on the dancefloor quite often during merengue and my arms tend to end up in the most complicated and tangled mess. People laugh about it (in a good way) and tell me it's awesome that I don't care. And sometimes something actually works out, what do you know!

Second, don't be nervous :) If you're doing your best and are having fun noone will give a shit if you're not performing the steps perfectly. You shouldn't either.

Third, I have (unfortunately) found not every girl who smiles at you during dancing is actually interested, but is just being an engaging dance-partner. Which is still awesome. Next time if you end up dancing with her, offer to buy her a drink. If you can buy stuff at your salsaclub it'll be easy. Just say: wow I'm parched, I'm getting a drink. You want something? If you don't end up with her...after the lesson just ask her if she can show you some moves. Walk up to her and say something like: you're awesome to dance with, could you help me run through this and this again. After that offer her a drink...talk about whatever. Good luck :)

Can't wait to go dancing again on friday!
 
I love this idea!

I used to be a man whore but now I am settling down but it's hard dealing with seducing one girl at a time and not falling to oneitis
 

RawPower

Banned
I have some good news for you. Not everybody is an asshole or judgmental. Some might be, but that seriously shouldn't be any concern to you. Unless they're actually bothering you in day to day life, just ignore people like this. Don't take their shit personal and move on. There will always be assholes, they're not worth your time.

At times, it's hard not to take them seriously, especially when they're exponentially more attractive than I am. I have my picture up in the Post Pix of Yourself thread, if you're curious. I just wish I could weed out the assholes so I won't end up inadvertently doing even more damage to my self-esteem. Usually when that happens, I end up retreating even further into my emotional shell.

That other guy with Asperger's is a friend of an ex of mine. He grew up with people who weren't assholes so he practically said whatever came up. He wasn't inhibited by his stress (if I understand correctly, stress has a negative effect on Asperger's symptoms, right? Please correct me if I'm wrong :))

He's lucky, because my upbringing was the exact opposite. As for stress having a detrimental effect on Asperger's, I would say so. But I'm certain it's not the same for everybody.

When I was walking with my then-girlfriend, him, another girl(who liked my girlfriend) and some other guys, out of the blue he said: "you do realise you're walking here with three other people who want to fuck Eva, right?" Some people looked shocked like: "wtf, how can you say that?" Eva, and me and some other people where like: "Euh...no problem that's just Victor, he says awkward/weird crap like that." He's also a kind, helpful, hardworking, hilarious and awesome guy. That's what we judge him on. How good of a person he is. Not on his Asperger's.

He has some really great friends, then.

Legitimate question: do you automatically assume people judge you when you meet them for the first time?

Yes. I know it sounds like I'm being overly cynical, but that's just the way I've been conditioned by my surroundings and experiences with people. It's hard to reverse years and years of bullshit and bring your self-esteem back to a healthy standard. But I'm sick and tired of being alone, so I'm willing to do almost anything.
 

Idde

Member
At times, it's hard not to take them seriously, especially when they're exponentially more attractive than I am. I have my picture up in the Post Pix of Yourself thread, if you're curious. I just wish I could weed out the assholes so I won't end up inadvertently doing even more damage to my self-esteem. Usually when that happens, I end up retreating even further into my emotional shell.

I'll be honest with you. You're not the most attractive person in the world. Because you're not Alyssa Milano. Bit more serious: You're better looking then two friends of mine, who are both in a stable long term relationship (those bastards!). It's not all about looks. About the assholes: everybody has issues and reasons why they are/behave like an asshole. That's none of your concern so you shouldn't bother with it. AT ALL. They should not be your source of validation or worse, pessimism. You should be. Validation, of course, not pessimism :p

Looks CAN be a part of your own validation though. If you buy yourself new shit and think: hot damn I look good, that works. You say 'that's who I am' but do you really like/are proud of the way you look? Again, a legitimate question.

He's lucky, because my upbringing was the exact opposite. As for stress having a detrimental effect on Asperger's, I would say so. But I'm certain it's not the same for everybody.

Meh, he's got a (slightly) abusive father and a mother with bipolar disorder. His friends keep him afloat because they do understand him and he can talk to them. He says that really helps, how he's not judged.

Yes. I know it sounds like I'm being overly cynical, but that's just the way I've been conditioned by my surroundings and experiences with people. It's hard to reverse years and years of bullshit and bring your self-esteem back to a healthy standard. But I'm sick and tired of being alone, so I'm willing to do almost anything.

Nah dude...not overly cynical, I think I understand. I've been there myself, to some extent (though I don't have to deal with Aspergers) But your current line of thinking is (I think) detrimental to where you want to be, and Aspergers might be an extra burden. I really think you need someone who actually knows what he's talking about to help you. Or look for some support groups. They won't judge you and might be of help.

I managed to sort of turn myself around. Used to have some social anxiety and had (pretty) low self esteem. In preparation for my new studies (psychology) I read a book about cognitive behavioral therapy and did what the book talked about. That really REALLY helped me out. You might want to look into that as well. It helped me detect and alter negative thought patterns which greatly held me back in SO many ways. The book also said it wasn't a real substitute for an actual therapist, and not enough to help people who had to deal with real problems.
 

RawPower

Banned
I'll be honest with you. You're not the most attractive person in the world. Because you're not Alyssa Milano. Bit more serious: You're better looking then two friends of mine, who are both in a stable long term relationship (those bastards!). It's not all about looks. About the assholes: everybody has issues and reasons why they are/behave like an asshole. That's none of your concern so you shouldn't bother with it. AT ALL. They should not be your source of validation or worse, pessimism. You should be. Validation, of course, not pessimism :p

Looks CAN be a part of your own validation though. If you buy yourself new shit and think: hot damn I look good, that works. You say 'that's who I am' but do you really like/are proud of the way you look? Again, a legitimate question.

That picture was probably one of my better ones. In real life, I'm sort of chubby (but not morbidly obese or anything like that) and my dress sense is rather lazy. I'll just forward this question: do you have to dress a certain way in order to attract girls?

I agree with everything else.

Meh, he's got a (slightly) abusive father and a mother with bipolar disorder. His friends keep him afloat because they do understand him and he can talk to them. He says that really helps, how he's not judged.

Same here, believe it or not.

Nah dude...not overly cynical, I think I understand. I've been there myself, to some extent (though I don't have to deal with Aspergers) But your current line of thinking is (I think) detrimental to where you want to be, and Aspergers might be an extra burden. I really think you need someone who actually knows what he's talking about to help you. Or look for some support groups. They won't judge you and might be of help.

I managed to sort of turn myself around. Used to have some social anxiety and had (pretty) low self esteem. In preparation for my new studies (psychology) I read a book about cognitive behavioral therapy and did what the book talked about. That really REALLY helped me out. You might want to look into that as well. It helped me detect and alter negative thought patterns which greatly held me back in SO many ways. The book also said it wasn't a real substitute for an actual therapist, and not enough to help people who had to deal with real problems.

I've had therapists before. A large portion of them were of no help at all. Usually, I would feel even worse after our appointment than before, but I was forced to go to them anyway. Back in the day, I was rather short tempered and got into many violent fights with bullies. All they would do is talk down to me and while they were willing to listen to my venom-laden rants, they never sympathized with me. Like, at all. So a support group seems like the best option, as far as my mental health is concerned.
 

Aegus

Member
Err another follow up to mine.

Emailed her yesterday morning asking her when she was free. No reply.

Texted her this morning asking if she still interested in going out for dinner. No reply.

I'm half tempted to ask directly on face that she could at least give the courtesy of a yes/no answer and why she said yeah when I asked on Monday.
 

Idde

Member
That picture was probably one of my better ones. In real life, I'm sort of chubby (but not morbidly obese or anything like that) and my dress sense is rather lazy. I'll just forward this question: do you have to dress a certain way in order to attract girls?

Not necessarily. Obviously different girls like different styles of clothing. But you describe yourself as dressing 'rather lazily'. Sounds quite negative. Why don't you dress nicely? Would probably be good for your self esteem/confidence (a huge plus in itself) and girls REALLY are attracted to confidence (also nice).

Same goes for your remark about being chubby. If you think about yourself like that it's also a killer for your self esteem. Have you tried dieting/working out? Not only to look better (in itself a great help), but to feel better (also awesome). I'm by no means very muscular/cut/ripped/huge/whatever. I did however deadlift 375 pounds today which felt really awesome. I oozed confidence and felt good about myself.

GAF has awesome fashion/weight-loss/fitness topics (though the latter can be a bit harsh).

I've had therapists before. A large portion of them were of no help at all. Usually, I would feel even worse after our appointment than before, but I was forced to go to them anyway. Back in the day, I was rather short tempered and got into many violent fights with bullies. All they would do is talk down to me and while they were willing to listen to my venom-laden rants, they never sympathized with me. Like, at all. So a support group seems like the best option, as far as my mental health is concerned.

This sucks. Heard a lot about lousy therapists and it pisses me off. They're supposed to help, not be pricks. Are you seeing one now? And yes, it probably won't hurt to try support groups. Do you live in a big city?
 
Err another follow up to mine.

Emailed her yesterday morning asking her when she was free. No reply.

Texted her this morning asking if she still interested in going out for dinner. No reply.

I'm half tempted to ask directly on face that she could at least give the courtesy of a yes/no answer and why she said yeah when I asked on Monday.

Don't. There's nothing you can really do if she's trying to dodge you. Just put her out of your mind for now.
 

Detox

Member
So I want to get with this girl but we only have one seminar together which doesn't allow for much conversation and apart from that I will never see her again - completely different departments. All I can think of is she might have a lunch break straight after but would that be too much right away? Also any general ways to get her to open up I don't want to focus on the education side too much.
 
Err another follow up to mine.

Emailed her yesterday morning asking her when she was free. No reply.

Texted her this morning asking if she still interested in going out for dinner. No reply.

I'm half tempted to ask directly on face that she could at least give the courtesy of a yes/no answer and why she said yeah when I asked on Monday.
Hate to break it to you man, but sounds like she's no longer interested.

Don't contact her again. Definitely don't do what you said here. If she contacts you then you can arrange something but right now you have to accept the fact that that probably won't happen. Shake it off and move on.

How do you become "official" with a girl you've been seeing? How long does it take?
There aren't any guidelines or timelines to becoming official with someone, it just sort of happens.

With that said, it's usually preceded by a talk so that you're both on the same page. Out of curiosity, how long have you been seeing each other?
 
Hate to break it to you man, but sounds like she's no longer interested.

Don't contact her again. Definitely don't do what you said here. If she contacts you then you can arrange something but right now you have to accept the fact that that probably won't happen. Shake it off and move on.


There aren't any guidelines or timelines to becoming official with someone, it just sort of happens.

With that said, it's usually preceded by a talk so that you're both on the same page. Out of curiosity, how long have you been seeing each other?

a few weeks. we have great chemistry. I was thinking Valentine's Day would be the ideal time to have "the talk"
 

Minamu

Member
Well, this night out sucked :lol My wingman froze up completely and I couldn't recover him or myself from it. We talked to a total of two people, both bartenders... Tried bouncing to the club from last Saturday but he was in such a bad state that we didn't even go in, and went home instead. Better luck tomorrow and on Saturday ^^ Most likely gonna meet both girls from recent adventures tomorrow night, that's gonna be interesting at least.

On a positive note, I spent about 5 dollars tonight.
 

Xun

Member
Not necessarily. Obviously different girls like different styles of clothing. But you describe yourself as dressing 'rather lazily'. Sounds quite negative. Why don't you dress nicely? Would probably be good for your self esteem/confidence (a huge plus in itself) and girls REALLY are attracted to confidence (also nice).

Same goes for your remark about being chubby. If you think about yourself like that it's also a killer for your self esteem. Have you tried dieting/working out? Not only to look better (in itself a great help), but to feel better (also awesome). I'm by no means very muscular/cut/ripped/huge/whatever. I did however deadlift 375 pounds today which felt really awesome. I oozed confidence and felt good about myself.

GAF has awesome fashion/weight-loss/fitness topics (though the latter can be a bit harsh).
Pretty much this.

Also RawPower I noticed you said you were straight edge, so have you ever drank? I actually find it helps with my confidence if anything, and that's despite having an anxiety disorder.
 

soultron

Banned
Err another follow up to mine.

Emailed her yesterday morning asking her when she was free. No reply.

Texted her this morning asking if she still interested in going out for dinner. No reply.

I'm half tempted to ask directly on face that she could at least give the courtesy of a yes/no answer and why she said yeah when I asked on Monday.

Unless she's super busy, this is a 99%-confirmation that she's not interested. Your typical woman checks her phone frequently every hour, and if she was excited to see you she'd text you back ASAP.

Also, don't overdo it with messaging/emailing/calling. Once is enough. If you start blowing up her phone, emailing her -- all at once before hearing back -- you look needy. Don't do this.

And finally, don't ask her why she couldn't give you confirmation. It makes you look even more needy. You need to stop giving a shit. You care too much.

a few weeks. we have great chemistry. I was thinking Valentine's Day would be the ideal time to have "the talk"

You're going to do this, but I'd advise against it. Let her do this. You already know you want to be with her, but she might not just yet, and if you push her into making a decision, she might get scared off. Just wait for her to ask you. Have fun with her and enjoy your time together until she asks. If things are going well, she will ask.
 

Combine

Banned
Drinking has never done anything good for me. If anything it only seems to heighten anxiety and depression for me. And now, my stomach has decided it doesn't like alcohol at all and I get really bad stomach cramps when trying to drink it. Not that I've ever enjoyed alcohol, but it doesn't help to be social when you can't "join in". On the other hand, when the outcome is nothing but hangovers, then one wonders why bother?
 

Slayer-33

Liverpool-2
Well, this night out sucked :lol My wingman froze up completely and I couldn't recover him or myself from it. We talked to a total of two people, both bartenders... Tried bouncing to the club from last Saturday but he was in such a bad state that we didn't even go in, and went home instead. Better luck tomorrow and on Saturday ^^ Most likely gonna meet both girls from recent adventures tomorrow night, that's gonna be interesting at least.

On a positive note, I spent about 5 dollars tonight.

Holy shit what happened man LOL... Sorry just seems hilarious, gotta laugh it off and re-emerge bro.

Anyway I had an epiphany and discovered something HUGE when it comes to confidence lol.

I'll share with gaf soon, this is just incredible.. You guys wont believe how fucking easy it is to convey it without faking it.
 
Rate the POF profile I made because I was bored.

actionpotential : Looking for potential action *rimshot*

I am not a doctor but I studied a lot of neuroscience in college and I really enjoy good wordplay so the username made perfect sense. I'm just glad that I was able to nab it before someone else thought of it.

Despite being a tech savvy guy, I'm also pretty old fashioned. I open doors for others and walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the street. I'm a bit skeptical of online dating but why not, right?

I've spent the past few years of my adult working life selling my soul to a large health insurance company. Years of cognitive dissonance have finally led to me getting on my former boss's bad side and getting fired for a pretty petty reason. Now I am pursuing a more noble profession with a non-profit organization here in LA.

In the meantime, I am getting myself back in shape. Years of sitting in a comfy office chair and drinking cappuccinos all day did a number on me. I run, cycle and swim when the public pool is open. I've been thinking about joining the local YMCA because they have indoor basketball courts and pools.

POF says I should describe my taste in music. I like just about every genre. I have a little bit of everything in my music collection. I have DJ Freaky Fizzle, Jason Mraz, Ella Fitzgerald, Rachmaninoff, Dr Dre, Far*East Movement, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Bread, Billy Joel, Taylor Swift, Michael Jackson, Daft Punk, Lily Allen, Bee Gees, Wicked, Beethoven, and Bruno Mars amongst others. The one thing I don't understand about music is the love of live shows. I've never been to a concert so maybe its just something I have to experience to understand.

I would never call myself an artist but I do have some projects that I'm working on at the moment. I go to shows and galleries with friends every now and then and they have given me some ideas. Maybe you'll see a sticker of my work at a stop sign near you!
 

Mr Swine

Banned
Hi guys,

I know I'm going to get ridiculed about this but here it goes...

28 years old and living with my mom for the moment. Was hoping to move to an apartment before going to college/university or whatever you call it (yrkeshögskola in Swedish). That was over a year ago and right now I'm taking a short break from studying since it didn't go to well.
Im going start studying again this autumn and As soon as I'm done with it I'm going to move to bigger city.

I've never had a girlfriend and I don't know how to approach women and talk to them. I'm very tired and depressed to being alone,I also have very bad self esteem. Most of my old friends are either married/have girlfriend or is single (but has had gf in the past).

I used to follow my friend (which is on Neogaf too) and dance Foxtrot and bug (bugg in Swedish)with women. It went well and I was hoping to meet someone I could talk to and learn to know better. But that never happened, my friend has much much better luck than me. This in turn makes me feel worthless since nobody ever talks to me during or after the dance and asks what im studying to be or what stuff I like to do on my spare time. Another thing is when the women are choosing who to dance with, they always choose my friend over me which makes me feel like shit. I've lost interest in dancing because of this.

And online dating sites are just horrible. No matter what I do they don't reply back and I really don't know if I should quit this and live alone forever. Nothing good ever happens to me :(

(done this on my iPad btw)
 

Miguel

Member
Girl just texted me lol. I'm not responding immediately, and likely won't period, but it's been all of 5 days, what on earth could she possibly want?
 
How do you become "official" with a girl you've been seeing? How long does it take?

Forget the titles and statuses and becoming "official". That's a woman's job to care about. In fact, put it off as long as you can, and never bring it up. Women will adore you for not putting them through the awkwardness and the pressure all the other guys do. In your mind you should always just be "talking" or "getting to know each other". Don't break until they're begging for your commitment by doing extremely nice things for you.
 
Err another follow up to mine.

Emailed her yesterday morning asking her when she was free. No reply.

Texted her this morning asking if she still interested in going out for dinner. No reply.

I'm half tempted to ask directly on face that she could at least give the courtesy of a yes/no answer and why she said yeah when I asked on Monday.

Watch this a million times:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0PUrNwvvBk

Mikey's phone call from Swingers.
 

jasonng

Member
Hi guys,

I know I'm going to get ridiculed about this but here it goes...

28 years old and living with my mom for the moment. Was hoping to move to an apartment before going to college/university or whatever you call it (yrkeshögskola in Swedish). That was over a year ago and right now I'm taking a short break from studying since it didn't go to well.
Im going start studying again this autumn and As soon as I'm done with it I'm going to move to bigger city.

I've never had a girlfriend and I don't know how to approach women and talk to them. I'm very tired and depressed to being alone,I also have very bad self esteem. Most of my old friends are either married/have girlfriend or is single (but has had gf in the past).

I used to follow my friend (which is on Neogaf too) and dance Foxtrot and bug (bugg in Swedish)with women. It went well and I was hoping to meet someone I could talk to and learn to know better. But that never happened, my friend has much much better luck than me. This in turn makes me feel worthless since nobody ever talks to me during or after the dance and asks what im studying to be or what stuff I like to do on my spare time. Another thing is when the women are choosing who to dance with, they always choose my friend over me which makes me feel like shit. I've lost interest in dancing because of this.

And online dating sites are just horrible. No matter what I do they don't reply back and I really don't know if I should quit this and live alone forever. Nothing good ever happens to me :(

(done this on my iPad btw)
Work on that first. If you're not happy with yourself what makes you think anyone will like you? Everybody moves at their own pace so don't be ashamed that all your friends are getting married. If they're your friends then they won't care if you're single or not. If they do, fuck them. Go back to school and socialize and make friends there. You'll have better success with woman after you become content with yourself.

What's causing that low self esteem? Why aren't you telling yourself that you're going back to school to get your shit together and be awesome?
 

SMT

this show is not Breaking Bad why is it not Breaking Bad? it should be Breaking Bad dammit Breaking Bad
This is the first time I might have active competition on a girl though. If it actually is that. They could just very well be friends.

I also labelled the guy to myself as a know-it-all douche my first day in our lecture.

Could be me bro, hold your tongue. ;)
 

~Kinggi~

Banned
Work on that first. If you're not happy with yourself what makes you think anyone will like you? Everybody moves at their own pace so don't be ashamed that all your friends are getting married. If they're your friends then they won't care if you're single or not. If they do, fuck them. Go back to school and socialize and make friends there.


After many years i have concluded it is nearly impossible to not be depressed and down on yourself when no success is had. It becomes a brainwashing cycle in order to fix yourself. All it is is a vicious downward cycle that gets worse the more failure you experience.

In most every piece of media you see on this subject the person that turns their life around always has a bit of luck and some external support system coming in to help and save the day. That shit dont happen in reality. Its lotto now. Have fun!
 

jasonng

Member
After many years i have concluded it is nearly impossible to not be depressed and down on yourself when no success is had. It becomes a brainwashing cycle in order to fix yourself. All it is is a vicious downward cycle that gets worse the more failure you experience.

In most every piece of media you see on this subject the person that turns their life around always has a bit of luck and some external support system coming in to help and save the day. That shit dont happen in reality. Its lotto now. Have fun!
Besides your unfortunate luck with woman, are you happy with the other aspects of your life? Surely you have friends to bounce back from should you get shot down by a girl.
 

Snakeyes

Member
Not saying not to approach them, just saying most of them are taken, whether they decide to tell you right away or until they are sure there's no future with you. Many of them will never tell you, and the fading relationship they had will just disappear and you will never know about it, but the other guy will be one of those guys who are convinced their ex-girl met someone new and that's why they broke up.

As far as the percentage, just a figure of speech. Replace it with "most", "99.9%", "a shitload", etc...I understand the whole thing about having the right attitude and not limiting yourself, just saying...beautiful women aren't in the habit of just walking around single and available. They're out there, but the number is much smaller than you think.

That's a terrible attitude to have because most decent looking women are always "taken." Why? Because they're good looking.

There's nothing wrong with offering yourself as an alternative and letting the girl decide for herself.
 
That's a terrible attitude to have because most decent looking women are always "taken." Why? Because they're good looking.

There's nothing wrong with offering yourself as an alternative and letting the girl decide for herself.

Coalission said:
Not saying not to approach them, just saying most of them are taken

So we agree, then?
 

tranciful

Member
Do you guys ever feel like women come in waves?
No shit. I didn't start any of these conversations.

NwFk3.png

Moving to a new city helps :p

I've got a third date planned for tomorrow with the glasses girl - things are going well. I don't have the time or motivation to juggle multiple girls, but the temptation has never been stronger. I need a magical (impossibru) solution to keep these doors open so that down the road, if we both happen to be single, I can reignite some of these conversations, but I can't think of a way to do it without the fact that I'm interested in them as a backup plan being obvious and kind of insulting.
 
Welp, the girl that I went out with a couple times told me today that she couldn't date me. I can't say I didn't expect it. She had told me right from the beginning that she was confused about how she felt and that she might be rebounding, which is what it turned out to be. In a way I'm almost relieved, I had been waiting for her to tell me this for a week.

I know I had been sort of positive in this thread about where it was going, but the overall vibe I was getting from her was not one of actual romantic interest. I'm evaluating how I'm feeling right now and I'd say it's actually pretty good. I didn't fuck anything up, I know it's not my fault it didn't work, the interest or spark or whatever simply wasn't there. And as a bonus, I think we'll come out of as this as closer friends than we were before.

I still appreciate what advice I got from you guys and I may be back in here pretty soon talking about another girl.

:D
 

SRG01

Member
No shit. I didn't start any of these conversations.

NwFk3.png

Moving to a new city helps :p

I've got a third date planned for tomorrow with the glasses girl - things are going well. I don't have the time or motivation to juggle multiple girls, but the temptation has never been stronger. I need a magical (impossibru) solution to keep these doors open so that down the road, if we both happen to be single, I can reignite some of these conversations, but I can't think of a way to do it without the fact that I'm interested in them as a backup plan being obvious and kind of insulting.

As a guy who has found moderate success with online dating... what the fuck, dude? How the hell did you get all those messages? (Aside from being very good looking)
 

~Kinggi~

Banned
As a guy who has found moderate success with online dating... what the fuck, dude? How the hell did you get all those messages? (Aside from being very good looking)


Remove the 'Aside' and you have the reason. Although i've never seen a pic of the guy.

But seriously half the girls pictures are like pro photographs, i almost wanna call bullshit.
 

tranciful

Member
As a guy who has found moderate success with online dating... what the fuck, dude? How the hell did you get all those messages? (Aside from being very good looking)

It's not typical for me (which is why I posted it). I just moved to a new city a month ago so I've dived into a fresh dating pool. I don't doubt that looks help me, but it's probably not the only thing going for me either.

Context:
First time meeting someone from OKCupid last night (first time I'd ever gone on a date with someone I'd met on a dating site). We went to a late night event at an art museum. Good choice for first date. Lots of opportunity for goofing around, talking, and getting comfortable with each other -- walk her to her car and make that first kiss happen.
in your first message what did you say, or like what do you generally say to girls that message you back, because I have tried every way I know

She actually messaged me first.

My profile has some playful jokes in it (related to myself) and a lot of the messages girls send me will play off those. The messages we send back and forth are about getting to know each other, but you might want to save some stuff for the first date (I picked the art museum because it'd give plenty conversation pieces). I asked her out on the 4th message, but it probably wouldn't have made a difference if I'd done it on the 3rd. In this case, we talked about tea, what part of town we lived/worked in (what we did/didn't like about it, etc), what we are doing now and want to do in the near future, etc. With another girl, I've been talking whether dinosaurs or octopus are cooler. Sometimes the topics are playful, sometimes you can talk about something mundane in a playful way.

I'm no pick up artist, but I have the most success (and fun) when I'm being playful. I'm naturally a goofball though. My profile is playful and positive (some probably think it's cheesy). I think it depends on you and the kind of girls you want to attract -- what I do wouldn't work for all guys and it'd probably turn off some girls. Luckily it's working well for me and I'm meeting some interesting girls.

In general, I think OKCupid should be seen as just another tool in your toolchest. It's still important to make an effort to leave your house, be social and meet people. Pick up a new hobby or just find a local meetup.com group. If you're single, having an OKCupid profile certainly won't hurt anything though.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top Bottom