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[Nymphae]

My dad and I were bemoaning the fact that people don't really tell jokes in public conversation anymore. You share memes, but when was the last time someone told you a real knee-slapper? Gimme your best, I don't care if it's a bit from a stand up comic, a filthy limerick, or a shameful pun.

I'll start if off with this bit from David Cross that always cracks me up:

I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men…

Here he gets applause from the audience and whoops and hollers from the women.

...I also believe that dogs are smarter than women.

Woman in audience boos and says “Not buying that."

No? That one, you don’t believe it? You believe that I didn’t do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I’m going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what’s described as a 'joke.' Um, I’ll be telling a bunch of them here tonight.

Here, just watch it.

 

[Rya.Reisender]

I only know one joke. And I tell it everytime someone randomly says "Tell me a joke!".

It goes:

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician observe a house. Two people walk into it. After an unspecified amount of time, three people leave it.
The biologist says: "Hmm, they have reproduced."
The physicist says: "Hmm, our observations are wrong."
The mathematician says: "If one person now enters the house, it is empty."

I like the physicist part because at school most of our physics experiments never worked according to the theory and our teacher always said that too.

 

[BlackOlivesMatter]

A guy walks into a bar and Alexandria Ocasio Cortez is behind the counter. There's a sign above her head that says "Hand Jobs $15 or ham sandwiches $5"

The man asks Alexandria Ocasio Cortez if she's the one who gives the Hand Jobs, and she replies "Yes"...the man replies, "Then wash your fucking hands before you make my ham sandwich"

 

[Thing on a Spring]

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?

Spoiler

None. That light bulb has to really want to change.

 

[Gargus]

3 men are on a hunting trip in the deepest parts of the African jungle. A Englishman, a Frenchman and a pollock. They are capture by a group of cannibals and taken back to their village, beaten, stripped naked and tied to trees.

The cannibal leader comes up to the Frenchman and says "were going to skin you alive, eat you alive and use your flesh to make a canoe. Do you have any last requests?" And he asks for a knife. So they give him on and he says "viva la france" and cuts his own throat to avoid what they will do to him.

The cannibal leader comes up to the Englishman and says "were going to skin you alive, eat you alive and use your flesh to make a canoe. Do you have any last requests?" And he asks for a knife. So they give him on and he says "god save the queen" and cuts his own throat to avoid what they will do to him.

The cannibal leader comes up to the pollock and says "were going to skin you alive, eat you alive and use your flesh to make a canoe. Do you have any last requests?" And he asks for a fork. So they give him a fork and starts rapidly and violently stabbing himself allover his chest, stomach, arms and legs and yells "fuck your canoe!"

---------

A Jewish kid goes up to his dad and says "dad dad can I have 50 dollars?" And his dad says "40 dollars? What do you need 30 dollars for?"

 

[jshackles]

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Spoiler: How many, you ask?

Two. But good luck getting them in there.

 

[Starlight Lotice]

Two Irishman are in a car, and one decided to park over some Yellow Lines.

The passanger says "Don't park here! It has double yellow lines!?!"

The Driver responds confidentally with "Don't worry Mick, that there sign says "Fine fur parking".

 

[brap]

 

[Potato Chip PRO]

Last night, and night before, there was three women, walking down the street that way. I saw 'em. I said " Hey! you three women! Why are you walking down the street that way? There's nothin' down there!" And they flew away. I said aww them was some birds.".....
-Sir Larry
Rip.

 

[Slings and Arrows]

What do you call two gay Irishmen?

Patrick fitzgerald and Gerald fitzpatrick

 

[LegendOfKage]

A man is attending a funeral. He goes up to the widow, and says "May I say a word?"

"Yes," she agrees.

So he looks at her and says "Plethora."

"Thanks," she replies. "That means a lot."

 

[Cybrwzrd]

Spoiler: NSFW

A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa. To prevent her loneliness and to lower the temptations of her being unfaithful he went to the local sex shop and asked the lady at the counter what the best product she had to offer was. The woman pointed at the $400 sex doll in the corner and asked the man, "Will that do?" Not wanting his wife to think of the sex doll as another man, the husband shook his head and asked for another suggestion. The counter clerk pointed at the back wall where a rack of dragon dildos hung, to which the man replied that he had plenty of those at home and was looking for something a little more special.

Looking partially defeated, the counter clerk put her hand to her forehead and thought for a while before removing her hand and saying, "We have one other option but I really wanted it for myself. It's one of a kind." The man, intrigued, says "Let me see it." The clerk pulls out a antiquated box inlaid with gems along its side. She opens it and pulls out a rather normal looking dildo and turns to the man, who is obviously disappointed. The clerk sees this and announces, "This is not just any old dildo. It's a magic dildo. It will fill your wife with pleasure once she says the words, 'Magic Dildo,' followed by whatever she hole she desires to put it in. The magic dildo will then fly up straight into her, filling her with an orgasm like she's never had before. She'll be plenty busy with it." The husband looks skeptical, so the clerk decides to display the dildo's powers for him. Holding the dildo in her hand, she confidently states "Magic dildo, my pussy." Upon which the dildo soars from her palm to her vagina, making her immediately open her mouth wide in pants and intensity. After about ten minutes of this, she seems satisfied and says, "Magic dildo, the box." Making the dildo fly back to a rest. Impressed, the man rushes home to give the dildo to his wife.

A week after her husband left the wife decided to give the magic dildo a try. She left it in the garage and then went up into her bed and said, "Magic dildo, my pussy." Instantly it appeared where it was called and satisfied the wife. The wife was very excited about her magic dildo and started to use it every where. She called to it at work when no one was looking, in the wooded part of the park, at the movie theater, when she was dancing, everywhere. No matter where she was it would appear and make her squirm with pleasure.

One day on her way to work the wife hit bad traffic. She looked up ahead and saw there was an accident and realized it would be a while and decided to call the magic dildo. The wife was feeling really confident and called out "Magic dildo, my pussy." She became overwhelmed and hit the accelerator slamming into the car in front of her. As it turned out that car was a cop.

The cop came up to the car seeing the woman squirming and suspected she was on drugs.

"Get out of the car now and put your hands on the hood!" The wife tried to comply but ended up just falling to the pavement. The officer was quite alright and asked the wife what she was on. The wife told him "Officer I'm not on any drugs, my husband gave me a magic dildo and its causing me to lose control!"

The officer, not buying it, simply replied "Magic dildo, my ass."

 

[jufonuk]

Two nuns were sitting in a car outside a graveyard one night.
When suddenly a vampire jumps on the car.
The first nun says to the other nun “quick show him your cross”
So the second nun winds the window down and shouts
“Get off the fucking car..”

 

[The Scrivener]

How do you get Pikachu on a bus?

Poke him on.

 

[Rentahamster]

A man is attending a funeral. He goes up to the widow, and says "May I say a word?"

"Yes," she agrees.

So he looks at her and says "Plethora."

"Thanks," she replies. "That means a lot."

This is the best one. The rest suck.

 

[MiyazakiHatesKojima]

Old man jokes ITT.

There was once a rich married man talking to a poor married man about what they're getting their wives for their 10th anniversary. The rich guys says "I'm gonna get her a car and a boat." The poor guys asks why a car AND a boat? The rich guy says "if she doesn't like the car, she can ride the boat." The poor guys then says "well, what I got for my wife was a pair of shoes and a dildo." The rich guy asks "why a dildo?". The poor guys answers back and says "if she doesn't like the pair of shoes, she can go fuck herself."

courtesy of The Sopranos.

 

[Nymphae]

This is the best one. The rest suck.

You suck, thanks for the contribution lol.

 

[Papa]

What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?

Spoiler

Dr. Dre

 

[jufonuk]

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A daffodil

 

[Stimpak]

Three men are out exploring on safari. They get captured by an indigenous tribe. The tribe’s chief is not pleased to have trespassers on their land and gives the three men 2 options for punishment.

Death or Bunda (pronounced Boon-duh).

The first man decides bunda because he doesn’t want to die. The tribesmen proceed to strip him naked and sodomize him brutally. The first man then crawls away.

The second man decides bunda for the same reason as the first and also crawls away.

The third man, after seeing the pain and humiliation of his two friends says, “fuck it, I’ll take death.”

“Very well.” Replies the Chief. “Death by bunda.”

 

[BlackOlivesMatter]

How do you make a blonde a brunette?



Turn her upside down.

 

[Nymphae]

I'm reading an article on the effects of pornography, and came across this absolute gem I had never heard before:

President Calvin Coolidge and the First Lady are separately visiting a farm. Mrs. Coolidge visits the chicken yard and sees the rooster mating a lot. She asks how often that happens, and is told, “Dozens of times each day.” Mrs. Coolidge responds, “Tell that to the president when he comes by.” Upon being told, the president asks, “Same hen every time?” “Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time.” “Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.”

 

[Hinedorf]

What do you call it when you mix birth control with Ecstasy?

A trip without the kids

 

[Macapala]

Sorry if these jokes are a bit dark...

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

Spoiler

A pizza doesn't scream when you throw it in the oven.

What do Pink Floyd and Princess Dianna have in common?

Spoiler

The wall was their last big hit.

 

[Nymphae]

Sorry if these jokes are a bit dark...

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

Spoiler

A pizza doesn't scream when you throw it in the oven.

What do Pink Floyd and Princess Dianna have in common?

Spoiler

The wall was their last big hit.

I remember hearing the oven one when I was in elementary school. Preeeeety dark.

 

[Macapala]

I remember hearing the oven one when I was in elementary school. Preeeeety dark.

Don't give a shit if you heard it in elementary school. It's a dark joke god damn it!!

 

[Nymphae]

Don't give a shit if you heard it in elementary school. It's a dark joke god damn it!!

I wasn't implying it was a childish joke or anything (though it's not really all that deep or creative), just literally that's where I remember hearing it.

I miss hearing super offensive jokes like these, I used to hear them all the time in my school days. That Diana one is new to me.

 

[DESTROYA]

Did you hear the MCU will now have transgender heroes?

Spoiler

They are going to be called the EX-Men!

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Its 480BC and the Persians are invading Sparta

The Persian army is marching through the hills of Sparta when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill:

"I bet one Spartan can beat ten Persians!"

The Persian officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of screaming they hear the voice again:

"I bet one Spartan can beat a hundred Persians!"

The officer, now enraged, sends a hundred soldiers to silence this cocky Spartan. A few minutes of ringing blades and screaming later, the voice shouts again:

"I bet one Spartan can beat a thousand Persians!"

The officer is now absolutely furious with this enemy, but knows that nobody could possibly beat 1000 soldiers alone, so he accepts the challenge once more and sends 1000 of his men. After nearly 15 minutes of splintering wood, screaming, and the clash of spears, a lone Persian soldier comes crawling back over the hill with severe wounds, covered in blood and half of his leg missing. Panicked, he yells to his comrades:

"Don't go up there! It's a trap! There are actually two of them!"

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

What’s the first thing you learn in the construction business?

Spoiler

Substance Abuse

Why doesn’t Barbie become pregnant?

Spoiler

Because Ken comes in a different box

 

[n0razi]

People told jokes back in the day (pre internet) because thats pretty much the only way you heard new ones.... pretty much every joke I hear now I already saw on reddit 2 years ago and isn't funny anymore

 

[Mihos]

Know the biggest difference between the dog and your wife?

Lock them both in your trunk for an hour and when you open it, the dog will still be happy to see you.

 

[Schrödinger's cat]

What's black and white and red all over?
A nun with stab-wounds.

Son: Mom! Mom! Why am I always walking around in circles?
Mom: Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.

Spoiler: NOT AT ALL POLITICALLY CORRECT

What do say to a woman with two black eyes?
It doesn't matter. She's been told twice already.

What's red and taps on the window?
A baby in a microwave

 

[Nymphae]

People told jokes back in the day (pre internet) because thats pretty much the only way you heard new ones.... pretty much every joke I hear now I already saw on reddit 2 years ago and isn't funny anymore

I'm not sure I've ever seen a jokey joke on Reddit. Today's jokes are just memes, and garbage like "ok boomer". And I do love me some dank memes, but there's something awesome about hearing someone tell you a good story joke like the Spartan one above.

 

[Mihos]

Know the difference between the new Tesla Cyber truck and a dead baby?

I don't have a Tesla in my garage

 

[Schrödinger's cat]

I like my women how I like my coffee.
Ground up and in a jar.

 

[mekes]

I told my wife she’d look sexier with her hair back. Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

 

[Jaxx_377]

Did you ever notice that when ducks fly in a V formation one side is longer than the other. Do you know why that is ???

More Ducks!

 

[Master Of Illusion]

A little girl, about 4 years old, goes up to her dad one day and asks him for a pony. The dad's like "Sorry pumpkin, but we don't have the means to take care of a pony."

The girl then says "Well what if I give you a blowjob?"

"WHAT?!" The dad exclaims. "Where did you learn THAT wor-"

He pauses himself. He starts to think "Then again, I haven't had a bj in a while, plus she's like the perfect hight and a 4 year-old mouth must be super incredible" so he says what the heck and inserts himself into his toddler daughter's mouth.

"Oh... oh man this is incredible!" he exclaims. "How have I not thought of this before!"

Right before he could climax, the little girl (who's barely been on this planet for more than 1000 days) stops.

The dad's distressed. "Pumpkin, why'd you stop? TELL me."

"Daddy, why does your wee wee smell like poo?"

He replies "Your brother wanted an Xbox."