Disgusted (Not so good parent)

[leehom]

My little sister who is in her early 30's has two kids and imo, neglects them. She's too busy playing her MMO's all day to take care of her kids and buys them McDonalds (or whataburger, sonics, chikfila) for lunch and dinner every day.

I've tried confronting her about being a better parent and her response is getting mad at me, telling me it's her kids, she can raise them however she wants and ignoring me. Her kids are six and three years old and are good kids and I worry about their future development. They're already hooked on playing computer games all day and want to "play" instead of doing anything else.

I feel that my sister is selfish and prioritizing herself over her kids. Her husband divorced her a year ago and I don't blame him. She's currently living at my parents home and would love to live with me in my new home. I purchased a new car for her after she moved back to live with my parents because she didn't work and needed transportation. Her six year old has crowns on every teeth and they both take a bath/shower about once a week. They smell every time I see them and their finger nails are full of dirt. I'm OCD when it comes to being clean/organized so it drives me nuts to see her kids like this.

I understand they aren't my kids, nor do I hold any responsibility towards them, but it's difficult to sit back and watch them grow up with bad habits and fundamentals. If you were me, what would you do or what could you say to my little sis to make her understand that she could be doing a much better job as a parent? Perhaps I shouldn't care and just let her do things her way?

Edit: This situation has been frustrating and stressing me out recently. Thank you all for letting me vent and offering your opinion/advice.

 

[terrisus]

Her kids are six and three years old and are good kids and I worry about their future development. They're already hooked on playing computer games all day and want to "play" instead of doing anything else.

Oh no... How horrible...
What ever shall we do...

Won't somebody please think of the children...



The other stuff obviously is an issue, but needed to comment on that part at least.

 

[Two Words]

They're living with your parents. Talk to your parents.

 

[EdibleKnife]

If it were my nieces/nephews, I'd get angry. Hell, I'd drive over and bathe them myself if I had to. I think you and your parents should have a sit down with her about it.

 

[benjipwns]

Look on the bright side, she's not yelling at people in the parking lot of a Dollar General because they started their car.

 

[NEOPARADIGM]

Be a good uncle and brother. That's your only job here, man.

 

[leehom]

My parents are divorced and my Mom works 10 hours a day/7 days a week.

 

[Piecake]

Have you tried talking to the father? It will ruin your relationship with your sister, but you could probably help him get greater custody if you started documenting that neglect

 

[Fusebox]

Only showering her kids once a week is the worst thing on that list imo, you definitely need to tell her to step it up man.

 

[leehom]

Have you tried talking to the father? It will ruin your relationship with your sister, but you could probably help him get greater custody if you started documenting that neglect

He's even worse than her when it comes to parenting, lol. Every time I visited them when they were together, he'll lock himself in his room and play MMO's after work. I don't think I've seen him try and speak with his kids or take them out to do anything. Not even watch TV together, a hug, nothing. I guess it sort of makes sense, they met from a MMO, got married and had two kids.

 

[Chairmanchuck]

Oh no... How horrible...
What ever shall we do...

Won't somebody please think of the children...



The other stuff obviously is an issue, but needed to comment on that part at least.

I think with "hooked" he meant do nothing but play games and that cant be good for children at that age...

He's even worse than her when it comes to parenting, lol. Every time I visited them when they were together, he'll lock himself in his room and play MMO's after work. I don't think I've seen him try and speak with his kids or take them out to do anything. Not even watch TV together, a hug, nothing.

Did they hook up during an MMO session?

 

[Discotheque]

Oh no... How horrible...
What ever shall we do...

Won't somebody please think of the children...



The other stuff obviously is an issue, but needed to comment on that part at least.

I know this is a gaming forum but it's still an unhealthy habit if you prioritize it over everything at such a young age

I loved my n64 and pc but thank god I went out to play soccer and basketball. And had experiences with friends and shit

 

[PastorOfMuppets]

The other stuff obviously is an issue, but needed to comment on that part at least.

Seriously, the dude just provided a myriad of examples of how the kids are being neglected and you quote him out of context and get all defensive about the part about video games?

 

[Piecake]

He's even worse than her when it comes to parenting, lol. Every time I visited them when they were together, he'll lock himself in his room and play MMO's after work. I don't think I've seen him try and speak with his kids or take them out to do anything. Not even watch TV together, a hug, nothing.

Yikes. Well, it sounds like if you truly want your nieces and nephews to have a good childhood, it looks like its up to you. I doubt the two parents are changing any time soon. Have them move into your home and be both mom and dad. Congratulations!

I think with "hooked" he meant do nothing but play games and that cant be good for children at that age...



Did they hook up during an MMO session?

They probably got in some quickies waiting for their raids to form

 

[Symphonic]

Oh no... How horrible...
What ever shall we do...

Won't somebody please think of the children...



The other stuff obviously is an issue, but needed to comment on that part at least.

Being hooked at such a young age is unhealthy, especially with the diet he mentioned.

 

[leehom]

I think with "hooked" he meant do nothing but play games and that cant be good for children at that age...

Did they hook up during an MMO session?

I edited it and added that part. Yes, they did hook up from playing an MMO together.

 

[terrisus]

I think with "hooked" he meant do nothing but play games and that cant be good for children at that age...

I know this is a gaming forum but it's still an unhealthy habit if you prioritize it over everything at such a young age

I loved my n64 and pc but thank god I went out to play soccer and basketball. And had experiences with friends and shit

Being hooked at such a young age is unhealthy, especially with the diet he mentioned.

Hey, I got my NES in 1987 when I was 5, and have been hooked for 25+ years since.

Of course, whether or not I turned out alright is up for some debate, but nonetheless.

Seriously, the dude just provided a myriad of examples of how the kids are being neglected and you quote him out of context and get all defensive about the part about video games?

I commented on a particular part of the post, yes.

 

[bonesmccoy]

Crap, OP. If I was you I'd offer to raise them myself. At the very least I'd be there 3-4 times a week making sure they ate a home-cooked, healthy meal, got outside and bathed properly.

(Full disclosure: I have 3 kids, so the above is just normal life for me.)

The other stuff obviously is an issue, but needed to comment on that part at least.

The kids are 6 and 3. It's a pretty awful thing if they are already eschewing 'normal' play for video games.

 

[Chairmanchuck]

Hey, I got my NES in 1987 when I was 5, and have been hooked for 25+ years since.

I also got mine when I was like 4 or 5, but besides Gaming there are still other things to do. Going out. Having "adventures" with friends. Doing some sport. "Playing"educational Games. Doing a puzzle. Whatever.

Cant be good that, while not moving at all, eating McDonalds every day and playing Games all day. Thats toxic.

 

[Dryk]

If you were me, what would you do or what could you say to my little sis to make her understand that she could be doing a much better job as a parent?

From what you've said there's probably nothing you can say

Perhaps I shouldn't care and just let her do things her way?

Nonononononono. Someone should be raising those kids properly, it may fall to you or or parents to do it though :\

 

[terrisus]

The kids are 6 and 3. It's a pretty awful thing if they are already eschewing 'normal' play for video games.

Because video games are "abnormal?"

 

[Chairmanchuck]

Because video games are "abnormal?"

Staying at home all day, do nothing but play videogames...
At that age, thats abnormal.

Btw.@leehom that would be a shitty move, but arent there some authorities in your country that will check about the lifestyle of children?

 

[The Culture Vulture]

Look on the bright side, she's not yelling at people in the parking lot of a Dollar General because they started their car.

How do you know that isn't her?

 

[Cat Party]

OP, your story is heart breaking. Your sister is teaching those kids god awful habits and ruining their health and she will never, ever, ever accept responsibility for it. Maybe you can see if you can watch the kids on a regular basis to expose them to a healthier lifestyle. Does your schedule allow for that?

Unfortunately for the kids, there's only so much you can do.

 

[benjipwns]

How do you know that isn't her?

That was a lot of time to waste away from her character. Time is XP.

 

[terrisus]

Staying at home all day, do nothing but play videogames...
At that age, thats abnormal.

Alright, I'll have to go back and let 5-year-old me know that.

 

[John Rabbit]

has your sister's MMO playing gone up since the divorce? maybe she's using it as a coping mechanism but it's now transformed into a problem in it's own right.

Alright, I'll have to go back and let 5-year-old me know that.

stop.

 

[Zebra]

Because video games are "abnormal?"

Children need exercise to be healthy.

No one here is saying playing games is bad, but everything should be done in moderation, balanced with other things like exercise. Especially if their diets consist solely of McDonalds and Whataburger.

 

[stilgar]

Oh no... How horrible...
What ever shall we do...

Won't somebody please think of the children...



The other stuff obviously is an issue, but needed to comment on that part at least.

At 3 and 6 years old? Yeah, it´s pretty bad.

 

[werks]

Alright, I'll have to go back and let 5-year-old me know that.

You should.

 

[GQman2121]

Do your parents concur with you that this is an issue? Because you're both basically enabling her to continue to behave this way (roof over her head/vehicle to get around). Cut her off and throw her into the deep end. She'll come around, and if she doesn't, you can probably do something about having the kids taken out of her custody if you really care. Showering once a week is negligence in most states. Where's dad?

 

[MuggerMD]

Raising kids is a 24/7 job. A lot of parents have a hard time adjusting to that and putting their needs behind their children's.

As a parent of two I can say that what your sister is doing is horrible. (The 6 year old has crowns on all teeth?!) kids need to explore the world. Playing video games all day is not an acceptable alternative.

As others said I would start by going to your parents, if you don't get anywhere there, take some serious thought if you would want to be responsible for the kids. For even a few days a week, take them to a zoo, to a lake, let them see the world.

 

[Cat Party]

Alright, I'll have to go back and let 5-year-old me know that.

Tell him not to grow up to be a defensive dickhead.

 

[peanutbutterlatte]

If she won't listen to you, will she listen to your parents? Especially if they're giving her bed and board? But at the end of the day, they are her kids. If she won't listen, and she's not doing any substantial damage (i.e. abuse), there's not much you can do. I guess cook them a nice meal whenever you get the chance, and keep a close eye on them to see if her neglect furthers.

 

[Chairmanchuck]

As others said I would start by going to your parents, if you don't get anywhere there, take some serious thought if you would want to be responsible for the kids. For even a few days a week, take them to a zoo, to a lake, let them see the world.

Wonder if it might be too late...
"But uncle! I want to go home to play Mario Kart!"
"Uncle! When are we going home. This is boring!"
"What are we doing here? I want to be home! Today is BigMac Day!!!"

 

[Kozak]

Instead of telling her "you suck at parenting", I might have asked "are you okay?".

 

[Zoc]

She sounds clinically depressed to me.

Does she get out of the house on her own much, to see friends, work, or whatever? Do the bad diet and poor hygiene extend to her, too? If the answer is yes to either I think taking care of her kids properly is probably beyond her abilities right now due to her mental state.

Can you offer to take the kids off her hands a few nights or weekends (or whenever) to give her a chance to get at least a part-time job or start some more social hobby?

 

[FrostuTheNinja]

terrisus, while you go back to the past, tell 5 year old me to "get a job". Damn kid, just sittin' there.

OT, sounds like quite the situation. My brother and his wife did a real number on their kids. Wouldn't even teach my niece and nephew to read or write because "they'd learn that at school". Best advice I can give is to just keep an eye on them and be the best uncle you can. Being a brother is harder, though. :/

 

[EdibleKnife]

Wonder if it might be too late...
"But uncle! I want to go home to play Mario Kart!"
"Uncle! When are we going home. This is boring!"
"What are we doing here? I want to be home! Today is BigMac Day!!!"

I can see it now but hopefully that will be easy to wean them off of. Some well made, hearty food & trips to the water park or the theater might help break what's been caked on.

 

[MuggerMD]

I can see it now but hopefully that will be easy to wean them off of. Some well made, hearty food & trips to the water park or the theater might help break what's been caked on.

Ya, I think the kids would welcome the change.

 

[leehom]

Do your parents concur with you that this is an issue? Because you're both basically enabling her to continue to behave this way (roof over her head/vehicle to get around). Cut her off and throw her into the deep end. She'll come around, and if she doesn't, you can probably do something about having the kids taken out of her custody if you really care. Showering once a week is negligence in most states. Where's dad?

Yes, I plan on cutting her off soon. I think she's taking for granted the assistance me and my mom is giving her. My sister is divorced and their dad is in the Navy and doesn't care enough to call and speak to his kids or come visit them.

Raising kids is a 24/7 job. A lot of parents have a hard time adjusting to that and putting their needs behind their children's.

As a parent of two I can say that what your sister is doing is horrible. (The 6 year old has crowns on all teeth?!) kids need to explore the world.

I agree that raising kids is a 24/7 job, unfortunately she doesn't feel the same. Yes, her eldest kid has all crowns.

If she won't listen to you, will she listen to your parents? Especially if they're giving her bed and board?

Unfortunately, my parents aren't great at parenting as well. From a class I took in college, I learned that the majority of people will raise their kids the way their parents raised them. I don't think she will listen to my Mom, nor would my Mom have any advice to give her.

Wonder if it might be too late...
"But uncle! I want to go home to play Mario Kart!"
"Uncle! When are we going home. This is boring!"
"What are we doing here? I want to be home! Today is BigMac Day!!!"

You hit the nail on the head, that's basically how her kids are. They find it boring when I try to take them anywhere and want to be home.

 

[PaulloDEC]

I doubt you can help the kids directly (besides trying to do right by them whenever they're in your care). It sounds awful, but is there anything you can threaten your sister with to motivate her into changing some things? For example, are there things that you help her with regularly that you could start to restrict or stop doing?

Alright, I'll have to go back and let 5-year-old me know that.

Are you seriously defending a lifestyle for children consisting of junk food, video games and nothing else? Whether you agree or not, that is an objectively unhealthy lifestyle for anyone, let alone children.

 

[UberTag]

Tell him not to grow up to be a defensive dickhead.

It's posts like this that make me wish GAF had a 'Like' post button. And I seldom like posts.

 

[SolVanderlyn]

Have you tried talking to the father? It will ruin your relationship with your sister, but you could probably help him get greater custody if you started documenting that neglect

Yeah, I would go for this angle. She may be your sister, but the kids take priority over your relationship with her, IMO.

 

[Yasae]

The kids suffer - the least deserving - and she does not, and neither does the father as he has no responsibility towards them whatsoever.

There really needs to be a special hell.

 

[Chairmanchuck]

You hit the nail on the head, that's basically how her kids are. They find it boring when I try to take them anywhere and want to be home.

I would love to say "They can still change.", but as long as their parents do shit about them, nothing will change. In school they will be the chubby, smelling kid, that just plays videogames.

It is so sad to hear something like that. I remember how much fun I had during my childhood with friends, building forts in the forest, exploring nature, having waterfights, traveling besides playing videogames.

 

[jwk94]

Crowns on every teeth though?! How did it get that bad?

 

[SkeptiMism]

The kids suffer - the least deserving - and she does not, and neither does the father as he has no responsibility towards them whatsoever.

There really needs to be a special hell.

Not that simple really. She is probably depressed and uses MMOs as a way to cope with her depression, or more so to not cope with it and shut it deep inside her.
That said, obviously it's not right to do so. She needs to be forced to start taking responsibility. She'll need help with it.

 

[Messofanego]

Dude, this was like the entire Clara subplot in The Guild (that show by Felicia Day)!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uSC2TMwyqzg#t=1m42s

http://theguildshow.wikia.com/wiki/Clara

She neglects her children to play the MMO. One time, she leaves the kids in the car (she did crack out the windows so they could breathe) because she needed to go to a guild meeting. She hires a nanny to take care of the kids but when the nanny quit, she didn't realise she had left the kids with nothing to eat for days. She keeps the kids behind a baby gate so they can't touch her computer. She also cheats on her husband. She is eventually banned from the game and goes into depression.

 

[Cat Party]

Instead of telling her "you suck at parenting", I might have asked "are you okay?".

She sounds clinically depressed to me.

Does she get out of the house on her own much, to see friends, work, or whatever? Do the bad diet and poor hygiene extend to her, too? If the answer is yes to either I think taking care of her kids properly is probably beyond her abilities right now due to her mental state.

Can you offer to take the kids off her hands a few nights or weekends (or whenever) to give her a chance to get at least a part-time job or start some more social hobby?

These are good points. Your sister is probably suffering too, right now. She's probably been depressed for a long time, and her husband leaving her has likely exacerbated it. That does not excuse her behavior, but if you can help her out, you will also help the kids.