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[NerdEyeBlind]

Having worked in call centers the majority of my adult life I catch myself saying "Thanks for calling" at the end of calls with friends and family

 

[Übermatik]

My tongue slipped and I accidentally licked her pooper.

 

[Rest]

My tongue slipped and I accidentally licked her pooper.

The renaissance continues.

 

[DiipuSurotu]

Someone once asked me for directions. I helped them and they said "Thanks!". But I also said "Thanks!" at about the same time or a second later -_-

 

[womp]

The other week when my wife and I were heading to my mother's house for dinner I texted her on the way to see if she wanted me to bring anything along...drinks...snacks etc.

I know she enjoys her Coca- Cola so I had texted "Would you like some Coke?

As I was about to hit 'send', I realized my stupid HTC One autocorrected 'Coke' to 'come'.

My wife was in tears.

 

[Rex Griswold]

I told a girl I couldn't wait to put her cock in my mouth.

When she was able to breathe again she told me to show her what website I use for gay porn.

Spoiler

I did. We had fun.

 

[Frodo]

I work with Fitness, and I was teaching a class and counting down like 8... 7.... SEX... 5... 4... lolol

It already happened twice. English is not my first language though.

 

[lethial]

Called a girl I was dating the name of my side spread. She cried in my kitchen. Told her it was honest mistake, then plowed her.

 

[Commanche Raisin Toast]

Said "sphincter" instead of "Sphinx" one time to my history teacher in middle school.

Ugh.

 

[goldsoundz]

Back when I was working deliveries at a print shop in college I asked our receptionist who was my age if she wanted to sleep with me. I meant to say sweep.

 

[FrenchToastDisciple]

I described the song "Ice Cream" by Raekwon as having a "urethral beat" to a friend of mine.

Spoiler

I meant ethereal

 

[Zombine]

"have a great work out!"

"You too!"

":/"

 

[-MD-]

I called a coworker "mom" once.

Called a teacher mom once, I was like 10 though.

 

[GodParticle]

Was having a conversation with family and somehow hardcore pawn came up and my brain decided to blurt out "hardcore porn" instead

Yeah, that was...awkward

 

[oti]

I once called my Sikh friend's dad Mr. Kaur.
>.<

 

[Symphonia]

"Enjoy your movie."

"You too!"

Every time

This.

Or saying thank you to someone you held the door open for.

 

[Omegasquash]

I have a VERY bad habit of typing "abou tit".

It's always immediately followed by a string of apologies, and it's never been a legit problem, though I'm scared it one day will be. Innocent typos can SUUUUUUCK.

 

[Dalek]

Something I do quite a lot on the phone is that I'll have multiple responses queued up in my head, and when it comes time to speak, I somehow mash them up.

So when someone says "Thank you for your help!"

I'm thinking "No problem" or "My pleasure" and I'll say out loud "My problem!" or "No pleasure!"

I've said both to customers. I've also ended business calls with "I love you."

 

[CloudyTuba]

Something I do quite a lot on the phone is that I'll have multiple responses queued up in my head, and when it comes time to speak, I somehow mash them up.

So when someone says "Thank you for your help!"

I'm thinking "No problem" or "My pleasure" and I'll say out loud "My problem!"

I do a similar thing but with the words themselves. I might say "No pleablem"

 

[StylesClash]

Assassins creed black fag. In front of gay people. Oops.

 

[Commanche Raisin Toast]

I do a similar thing but with the words themselves. I might say "No pleablem"

Hahaha me and my wife accidentally say "stummy" instead of stomach/tummy sometimes.

 

[Mexen]

There's something odd about responding with "thank you" to "my condolences" so when I'm grieving, an awkward silence fills the atmosphere because I just keep quiet and then feel like a dick later on. ( ._.)

 

[modernlifeisANDY]

Handing out freshman schedules, had three in a row - McCormack, McAdams, something else like that - definitely said "wow, a lot of Mc names here!" obviously pronounced mick. Whoooooooops

 

[SliChillax]

This thread just made my day.

 

[Steamlord]

A month or so ago I was seeing a doctor about a thyroid issue I was having. She asked me exactly what was going on, so what I tried to say was that my primary care physician had told me that my thyroid was enlarged.

However, probably thanks to seeing countless pharmaceutical ads on the subject on television, what came out was "My primary care physician told me I had an enlarged prostate."

The problem was with my thyroid. Located in my throat. Nowhere near the prostate. I just said fucking "prostate" out of the blue. I immediately realized I had made a huge mistake and I was super flustered. The doctor just kind of did her best not to acknowledge it.

Spoiler

It really didn't help that she was cute.

Another one: In high school band, our director was lecturing the brass section on the importance of keeping their instruments clean and polished. This speech included a line that went something like "You don't want to have to pay to get it cleaned, a good rim job costs about $50." Obviously the room kind of exploded at that point. The same director also accidentally said "orgasm" instead of "organism" once. Don't ask why our band director was trying to say organism, he rambled a lot.

 

[Zombine]

One day I was sleeping in and my boss called me to ask if I wanted to work. He woke me up and I said (thinking it was my girlfriend);

"Yeah babe? What's up sexy?"

And then I just heard this dude laughing his ass off on the other end.

 

[Silent_Ocarina]

I had a UPS worker delivering a package to my home. I'm used to opening the door to a male worker, so I opened it and said, "Hello, sir." She was a woman. I apologized and panicked and tried to change the subject.

"I'm sorry you have to make deliveries in the rain."

It wasn't raining. She was sweating.

 

[boiled goose]

Female friend to priest.

"I like the smell of semen."

She meant pollen.

 

[Venture]

When I was like 13 I was over at my friend's house and his mom was mixing up some Tang for us. I made some dumb comment about poontang right in front of her. Things got real awkward.

 

[disappeared]

Was playing baseball in fifth grade gym class, waiting for my turn to bat. Teammate ahead of me at the plate hits a home run. In my head, "Nice shot" and "Nice hit" both spring up and out of my mouth...

"NICE SHIT!" I yelled.

 

[Africanus]

Female friend to priest.

"I like the smell of semen."

She meant pollen.

Close enough really...

 

[-MD-]

I had a UPS worker delivering a package to my home. I'm used to opening the door to a male worker, so I opened it and said, "Hello, sir." She was a woman. I apologized and panicked and tried to change the subject.

"I'm sorry you have to make deliveries in the rain."

It wasn't raining. She was sweating.

Masterful awkwardness.

 

[Scalibur]

At a job fair speaking to the Principal of an all boys school. "I feel that I can really touch these young men."


Didn't get the job.

 

[Symphonia]

I've also ended business calls with "I love you."

I had a customer say it to me once at the end of the call. I felt bad for him so tried to lighten the mood, and said "N'aw, and I love you too!" to which his reply was shut up in a rather embarrassed tone.

 

[televator]

I had a UPS worker delivering a package to my home. I'm used to opening the door to a male worker, so I opened it and said, "Hello, sir." She was a woman. I apologized and panicked and tried to change the subject.

"I'm sorry you have to make deliveries in the rain."

It wasn't raining. She was sweating.

Holly shit! This thread is far better than an Adam Sandler movie. lol

 

[boiled goose]

I hate saying goodnight or good morning at the wrong time.

 

[Dalek]

I had a UPS worker delivering a package to my home. I'm used to opening the door to a male worker, so I opened it and said, "Hello, sir." She was a woman. I apologized and panicked and tried to change the subject.

"I'm sorry you have to make deliveries in the rain."

It wasn't raining. She was sweating.

fucking hillarious

 

[EGM1966]

Picking up some kittens for my kids, one of whom had expressly chosen the runt of the litter because they wanted to take care of it, when checking that they had indeed given us " the runt of the litter" I accidently asked if they could "confirm they were giving us the cunt of the litter".

Nobody knew where to look not least my wife. I literally skulked backwards out of the reception area leaving my wife to rescue the situation.

 

[Forgive Me]

Hadn't been in a restaurant in a while. Ordered steak. Waiter asked if I wanted it medium. I asked if they also had large.

Sigh.

theres some kind of timeless comedic quality to this

 

[Nihilistic Monk]

just after neighbour told me she was going to her mothers funeral

"Ok, have fun!"

Jesus Christ... I still cringe.

 

[TheBowen]

Let's just say she got the 8 inch meatball sub she ordered

Im fucking crying here.


Did the old 'call your teacher mum' when i was like 5 so thankfully never haunted me

Although i accidentally called my friends dog a 'demon instead'. Still dont know how that happened

Also reading out a poem in class during school and the phrase was something like
' the street was covered with ice' and i completed fucked up and said ass instead. Nobody laughed cause they couldn't tell whether it had actually happened or not

EDIT: Holy shot when did i get a tag

 

[FunkyPajamas]

I was in a meeting at work and we were discussing tech details on a project, something to do with XML files and instead of saying "xsd" (for Xml Schema Definition) I said "STD". My boss laughed out loud at which point I didn't know whether to feel better or worse.

On a different occasion (same job), my boss was on parental leave (his wife was giving birth that day) and I was in a meeting with his superiors and they asked me if I had heard any news on his wife and I said "she went into labor earlier, she's probably in the final stretch" and they all started laughing and then I realized what I had done so I said (truthfully) "no pun intended" and they laughed even harder.

 

[Annubis]

Harper really likes erections
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-P08sAY1P4

 

[FStop7]

Cruz Bustamante still the undisputed champ.

It cost him the governorship of California and more.

 

[zeemumu]

When I've become so automated while cashiering that I start malfunctioning and spouting off my sentences in the wrong order. Like instead of saying "I can help you over here." I'll say "Your total is." Or sometimes I'll anticipate what the customer's going to say and say something that doesn't make sense.

"There you go!"

"Thank you."

"Thanks, you too...wait..."

or

"Hi"

"Fine, thanks. How are you?"

 

[Emperor Bohe]

Once I bumped into someone in the elevator and said "thank you" instead of "sorry"

 

[The Last Emperor]

I once called my Sikh friend's dad Mr. Kaur.
>.<

Lmao

 

[op_ivy]

I worked at home depot years back during college at the special orders desk. One slow night I was asked to help out getting carts in the parking lot with a mentally challenged homosexual guy. Nice guy, we were friendly. Any who, while out in the parking lot he commented on the fact that I wear long socks with shorts. In response I said "I wear long socks because short socks are..." Then almost said gay, but my brain kicked in and said SAY ANYTHING ELSE! so I quickly readjusted and said "retarded". I felt like such an ass.

This was years back, but honestly I think this was the moment where I dropped both words from my vocab as insults.

 

[Jeels]

A coworker was talking about how they didn't want to go somewhere because they felt like there were going to be a lot of young people there.

I responded with "don't worry, there will be old people there too" and then I realized what I insinuated.

 

[omg_mjd]

I sent an important email to a client and instead of "Dear Chris" I had typed "Dead Chris".