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Feeling confused and bummed about an interaction from POF

Shantae

Banned
Before anyone says it, I know...it's POF, what else should I expect. I've tried to be careful with whom I talk to on there. I only message women who I think I can have a connection with. Do they sound nice on their profile, do I think our interests are compatible, etc.

I've had plenty of experience with POF where 90% of the time, I've just gotten ignored, or blocked from simply saying hello and saying I thought we might have stuff in common and that I liked to talk. Online dating has certainly taught me that women are just as shallow, if not more so than men are. I've suffered for most of my life thinking I was ugly, but in recent years, I've come to think I'm not that bad. I think I can be handsome at times, and a few nice women I've meet have commented on how cute I can be. I know I have bad teeth in some respects, but I've done the best I can to work with what I got there. I'm not obese or anything, I could stand a trip to the gym, but at worst I have the beginnings of a "Dad bod".

Anyway, I recently signed up with POF again, because as far as dating sites go, I felt like I had the most success with it in the past. Never really had any long lasting relationships form from it, but at least have met girls who wanted to meet once in a while. That being said, even in my 30s, my dating experience is limited. The shallowness of women has led to me rarely getting actual dates with someone looking for a commitment, and so I do have difficulty putting myself out there for the purpose of finding a connection with someone. I still feel innocent in some ways because of my ignorance or naivety.

Which brings me to this weird exchange I had with a women I messaged recently. Like I said, I tend to not really message anyone unless their profile suggests that we might have a connection. Women rarely if ever make the first move on there, so I'm kinda forced to always browse the site and make an effort, which is exhausting and soul crushing after a while. This woman I messaged, I'll call her Lucy (fake name, but I don't wanna dox her or anything), I sent her a simply message just saying that I thought she was pretty, and she sounded like she was fun and I'd like to get to know more about her.

She messaged me back the following morning, and I didn't do anything to imply I was looking for sex, but she was kinda flirty from the get go. I'm not a virgin, but I'm also not used to receiving advances, so when she started to say certain things, I still tried to play it cool and laugh some of it off. I thought at least she sounded like she was a fun person who wasn't a prude at least. She seemed to appreciate my compliments, and I told her that I thought her profession was cool because it required a lot of schooling, and I tend to think intelligence is pretty attractive. She asked me if those kind of things were a fantasy of mine, and she said she was feeling naughty. She got to some sexual stuff because of that, and before I knew it, she started sending me nude pictures of her.

This was surprising, but it also started to set off some red flags, because I was worried that maybe this was a fake account. You don't get this kind of openness from someone right away I thought, at least I didn't get it right away. I did some simple sleuthing though, and she did have a facebook profile that matched up with everything I had seen about her. She lived where I thought, she worked at a location I was familiar with, etc. So I was at least convinced that this really the woman I was talking to.

Anyway, before I knew it, she was really feeling frisky she said, and she wanted me to be naughty for her. I told her that I was a bit embarrassed by the whole thing, and that I didn't want her to think that was all I was interested in. She told me not to be nervous, and that she wanted these things to put my mind at ease. I told her, that I was interested in more than that, that I'd like to meet her for coffee or drinks, and would she want to exchange numbers. She said yes, and she'd want to meet this week sometime.

Then all of a sudden in the middle of the conversation, she stopped messaging. I didn't think anything of it at the time, she had mention a couple times that she had to leave soon for errands. However it's been several days, and I've seen her pop up on POF, without a peep back at me.

I'm just so confused, and I wanted to vent this story, because as a guy who rarely ever gets this kind of attention, I'm bummed, and honestly sad. I had hoped I had met someone who might be fun, and wasn't a complete shut in when it came to sexual stuff like so many women on POF seem to be. I still keep wishing she would message me back, and say sorry, something came up...but now I just want to delete my POF account and forget about trying anymore.
 
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Gavin Stevens

Formerly 'o'dium'
Mate... There are “plenty of fish” in the sea.

I used POF in the past. In fact I met my wife on there, because social interaction with the females isn’t exactly my strongest point. But I had to go through a few utter head cases before I found my “one”. I had a full on relationship with one, which ended badly because she was so up her own arse she had no clue what day it was. And another had the most insanely high standards of anybody I ever knew, so that lasted a whole two weeks.

There’s a reason they say it’s a numbers game... it’s because it is. For every one solid girl who will match you 100%, there are 100 with actual mental issues who just care about one thing - themselves.

Dust yourself off, hold your head up, and get back on the horse. If she messages again, do NOT feel guilty about chatting to others. I can 100% promise you she has been the entire time. That’s just the way it works, you settle on the one who connects with you best.

You’ll be ok mucka.
 
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nush

Member
Anyway, before I knew it, she was really feeling frisky she said, and she wanted me to be naughty for her. I told her that I was a bit embarrassed by the whole thing, and that I didn't want her to think that was all I was interested in. She told me not to be nervous, and that she wanted these things to put my mind at ease. I told her, that I was interested in more than that, that I'd like to meet her for coffee or drinks, and would she want to exchange numbers. She said yes, and she'd want to meet this week sometime.

Then all of a sudden in the middle of the conversation, she stopped messaging. I didn't think anything of it at the time, she had mention a couple times that she had to leave soon for errands.

Look, this ones really simple. She wanted to cyber with you and you didn't. She already gave herself a get out by mentioning "She had to go somewhere soon". No doubt she was messaging more than just you at the time and the other guy got his dick out first. You were no longer needed.

Your problem with online dating is that you are over-invested from the start when you should be taking it as a fun distraction and if something develops then that's great. Also try other dating apps, location and age have a different effect on each ones success rate.
 

DunDunDunpachi

Patient MembeR
I don't have experience with dating sites, but it sounds like she put out a minimum (from her perspective) of effort and you came off as too hesitant i.e. not an easy mark, so she lost interest and instead invested more time into the dozen other guys she was messaging during the same period of time.
 

Shantae

Banned
I don't have experience with dating sites, but it sounds like she put out a minimum (from her perspective) of effort and you came off as too hesitant i.e. not an easy mark, so she lost interest and instead invested more time into the dozen other guys she was messaging during the same period of time.
I didn’t say it didn’t come out...just didn’t want to go into specifics here
 

DunDunDunpachi

Patient MembeR
I didn’t say it didn’t come out...just didn’t want to go into specifics here
I don't have much of an opinion on how you handled it or how you behaved. My comment was squarely aimed at your description of this woman and how she interacted with you during the early stages of this "relationship". I'm just pointing out that you probably came off as hesitant compared to the other marks she was talking to and since these things tend to be lowest effort = winning choice, you got ignored.

Don't take it as a poor reflection on your personality or looks. Her initial interest was likely fabricated.
 

Shantae

Banned
I don't have much of an opinion on how you handled it or how you behaved. My comment was squarely aimed at your description of this woman and how she interacted with you during the early stages of this "relationship". I'm just pointing out that you probably came off as hesitant compared to the other marks she was talking to and since these things tend to be lowest effort = winning choice, you got ignored.

Don't take it as a poor reflection on your personality or looks. Her initial interest was likely fabricated.
You’re right, like I said at the bottom of my post, I kinda just wanted to vent and maybe get some context on what the fuck just happened. I feel like she should have know what kind of guy I was when my headline was something like “sensitive guy looking for a friend” lol.

People always say keep at it, but I also just get exhausted from trying. Honestly I’m not looking for anything long term because my dream is to move to japan someday, so I don’t exactly want to plant roots, but I also wouldn’t mind some companionship, even if it’s only physical. I don’t know how to handle it, but it’s hard to stay happy all the time when you just get lonely sometimes, ya know?
 

DunDunDunpachi

Patient MembeR
You’re right, like I said at the bottom of my post, I kinda just wanted to vent and maybe get some context on what the fuck just happened. I feel like she should have know what kind of guy I was when my headline was something like “sensitive guy looking for a friend” lol.

People always say keep at it, but I also just get exhausted from trying. Honestly I’m not looking for anything long term because my dream is to move to japan someday, so I don’t exactly want to plant roots, but I also wouldn’t mind some companionship, even if it’s only physical. I don’t know how to handle it, but it’s hard to stay happy all the time when you just get lonely sometimes, ya know?
Oh I get it. It's exhausting. I'm glad that I'm not in the dating race anymore, especially in the modern age. Perhaps look for IRL groups and seek a partner there? That isn't an "lol get off the internet, loser" recommendation, by the way. I genuinely feel that it would be more logical nowadays to seek serious partners offline, because more and more folks are fed up only finding casual partners online. In other words, you want to find people who are also sick of dating fake people online to the point where they're also swearing off online dating and looking at more IRL options, just like yourself. If you're already investing the effort (albeit, getting tired of trying with no successes) your effort will have a higher payoff if you seek out local people through offline means.

So yeah, "keep at it", but stop wasting time using tools with low success rate.
 

Gargus

Banned
Dont feel bad or give up. When shit like that happens eventually it will happen enough that you wont be so disappointed anymore and you'll just say "fuck it" and move on.

Honestly dealing with women on dating sites is hard and confusing. Before I met my wife I was on and off pof among others a lot and always saw the same women all the time on there. I think a lot of women on dating sites get so bombarded with attention from men they get addicted to the attention and never really intend to find anyone. I met a lot of women on there I'd meet and once that initial exciting phase wore down they would get bored and ditch me and go right back to pof to find someone else and probably do it all over again. And a lot would never even meet, they loved the attention from a new guy then get bored when another came along and stop talking to me. They act like their pussy is a prize to be won or something. It was quite tiring for me.

Problem with dating sites is MOST not all, but most women there just want some attention and to feel desired but it quickly gets old and they will move on to the next guy. And most guys just want to get laid and will do and say some dumb shit in order to execute that plan. So you have to weed out and find that one chic actually interested in getting to know a guy, and you have to fight through the wake left by a ton of stupid ass men just wanting to fuck or get some dirty messages.

Online dating is a fucking sad joke honestly. Just keep trying and eventually your number will come up. And the only advice I can give you is dont get so wrapped up in a woman that you aren't willing to just drop her ass in a heartbeat unless you've had like 2 actual dates. Because in the dating world you better be prepared to get disappointed, a lot.

I tried for years until I met my wife. Until I met her I tried with low expectations and low excitement and I was prepared to be alone the rest of my life, although I'd spent over 35 years alone and was quite content. I just finally happened to be in the right place at the right time. Oddly enough I met her on craiglist of all places.

Dont get your Hope's up but be optimistic. Dont ever do or say some because you think it's what she wants to hear.

And one secret that worked for me was when I went out on dates with women, and this got me shot down a lot but told me about that womans character was this. When I agreed to go out with them I said upfront were splitting the bill and I wasnt going to pay for them. So many women ignored me but i didn't want a woman who wanted me to do everything and expect me to pay for everything. I wanted a woman who actually wanted to be equal because it cut out those women who thought "my pussy is a prize". It only worked once and i married her.
 

Shantae

Banned
Try eharmony op. In the limited time I did online dating, eharmony was by far the best (met my wife through it)
I always debate trying sites like that, but man they are expensive. And when I consider my shitty luck in the past, I don’t wanna pay money in addition to the misery lol
 
When it comes to dating sites I honestly think it’s worth going with a paid service if you’re really serious about it. I’ve heard terrible things about POF, and years back when I tried it I remember finding numerous profiles I was sure weren’t real. For the town I lived in at the time there were a shocking number of 21 year old “European nannies.”

I haven’t used eharmony in years but when I did, it was worth the money. Since everyone is invested in the experience/service you typically find more fruitful interactions.

It’s not perfect. I had a really terrible date on there that haunted me for awhile. But before that one I had actually had a great time.
 

Pagusas

Elden Member
I always debate trying sites like that, but man they are expensive. And when I consider my shitty luck in the past, I don’t wanna pay money in addition to the misery lol

You get what you pay for. If you are serious, put some money on the table, because the other people on the site are also. I can tell you right now: nothing in life is more valuable then love. Don’t be cheap.
 
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I know it's all relative, and it's perfectly normal to want to find that "special person", but I've never been so happy since my ex and I split - after 20+ years. Yeah I'm not a young guy anymore (I'm 50), but I have virtually zero interest in the dating rat-race.

Look at it this way. If she's already flaky now, what would a relationship be like with her? Count your blessings and move on. Don't put women on a pedestal. Insist that they show *you* proper respect, or don't waste your time with them. Value yourself and don't sweat the crazy ones.
 

Pagusas

Elden Member
I know it's all relative, and it's perfectly normal to want to find that "special person", but I've never been so happy since my ex and I split - after 20+ years. Yeah I'm not a young guy anymore (I'm 50), but I have virtually zero interest in the dating rat-race.

Look at it this way. If she's already flaky now, what would a relationship be like with her? Count your blessings and move on. Don't put women on a pedestal. Insist that they show *you* proper respect, or don't waste your time with them. Value yourself and don't sweat the crazy ones.

Amen. One sided relationships are insanely stupid but so many low confidence idiots fall into them. It’s better to be single then be a doormat for someone else’s ego.
 

Shantae

Banned
Isn't eharmony moreso a site for people looking for long term commitment? I'm not trying to bash the idea all together, but I feel like if I signed up for a site like that, that it would just be under false pretenses. It's always hard to say...I want to find a woman, but not really say I'm looking for a commitment, because it makes me sound like a jerk who just wants to get laid. Maybe I am, I don't know, I just want some kind of companionship to fill the loneliness in my life. I don't want to use anyone, I legit would be fine forming a bond or friendship with someone, but I feel like in order to realize my dreams of moving away someday, that I can't commit to anything long term, which seems unfair to anyone on a site like eharmony, or something similar.

As far as meeting people in offline, and trying that route...I'd like to give it a try. I'm frankly terrified of going to any meetups I've thought about going to from groups on meetup.com. I don't know what kind of groups to seek out other than geek/gamer/anime type ones, because I know that's what I fit in the most.

Frankly, I'm not really interested in meeting men, and this isn't just a sexual thing. I don't really like or enjoy interacting with men as much as women. The few times I have felt I was starting to form fun friendships with people, it's always been with women, whether it was someone from a job, or class. My problem is, in those settings, I never know how to break through making those relationships anything outside of the job or class. I've made attempts to form outside friendships with people by asking if they wanted to get coffee or something, but I always end up just feeling awkward, and worried I'm pushing something they're not interested in. Guess my confidence kinda sucks, and maybe it shows.
 
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Weilthain

Banned
my advice is to focus on the things you listed as negatives.

You say you could do with going to the gym, because beginnings of dad bod. If you think women are shallow then the answer is to get in shape so you are physically attractive to them. As far as confidence goes, getting in shape would do wonders for that. This is really important advice.

My advice for more success getting people to talk to you online is make your profile short, sweet and to the point.

If you look okay and sound like you might be a great guy then people will be interested to find out more. I wouldn’t bother talking about your personality much at all in the profile as that is implied in your hobbies/interests.

I married someone from online dating (it was a site I had to pay for) my profile was something like “ I’m a (impressive sounding job title) single dad (don’t say that if you aren’t a single dad people) looking for someone special. “
I listed what my hobbies were, kept my mouth shut about the fake moon landings and done, I had tons of women “winking” at me and was able to get chatting.

Very little information in the profile itself, but I implied that I’m financially secured, healthy, in my case super attractive, I mean really attractive, like abnormally so, and I made it clear that if I met the right person then a serious relationship is a possibility, but only with the right person.

TLDR: get in shape. women are shallow apparently so what are you going to do about it?
 
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JORMBO

Darkness no more
People come and go all the time on online dating. It's best not to try and figure out why and move on.
 

oagboghi2

Member
Look, this ones really simple. She wanted to cyber with you and you didn't. She already gave herself a get out by mentioning "She had to go somewhere soon". No doubt she was messaging more than just you at the time and the other guy got his dick out first. You were no longer needed.

Your problem with online dating is that you are over-invested from the start when you should be taking it as a fun distraction and if something develops then that's great. Also try other dating apps, location and age have a different effect on each ones success rate.
This x1000

OP, what the hell were you thinking? She was sending you pics. If that isn’t a green light I don’t know what the hell is
 

haxan7

Volunteered as Tribute
Online dating is a numbers game for men unfortunately.

I don’t think there’s any way to put this without sounding judgmental, but keep in mind this is just my opinion and I only offer it to try to be constructive:

You shouldn’t let someone you didn’t even meet get to you nearly that much. Way too much thought and effort into that one person. It sounds to me like you just need to burn through some hoes to get a feel for it and get more experience.
 

kingwingin

Member
I had a similar experience with a girl on POF.

She messaged me saying how attractive I was and she wanted me to come over. Swung by that night and then within a few days I was ghosted.
 
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Papa

Banned
It’s really quite simple. Get swole, get bitches. Forget this online crumb chasing. Work on yourself and they will come to you.
 

Cunth

Fingerlickin' Good!
It’s really quite simple. Get swole, get bitches. Forget this online crumb chasing. Work on yourself and they will come to you.
Eddie-Hall.01-768x936.jpg
 

GV82

Member
Plenty of Fakes.com

OP she may have been real, I think I may know what’s happened here, she was only interested in sexual stuff, potentially she was going to keep you going with a couple of free nudes & then offer you her onlyfans account, seen it happen, yes her Facebook is genuine, her POF is genuine but she’s may be on there to lure you to buy her onlyfans or many vids or whatever.

yes there are fake girls on there but there are now genuine girls on there that are just after your money for their nudes, as soon as you mentioned meeting up for coffee that was it she lost interest, because all she ever wanted was to sell you her stuff. She may even come back to you in an attempt to lure you back in.

Every few girls now who aren’t catfishes on these free websites are trying to be Sex Workers (some will even be offended that you call them SW), I guess there are genuine non catfishes & non SW on them but few & far between.

Some of these SW wannabe girls will even pay a short term fee to offer their services on some websites now too, they get a man (or woman) to pay the fee for them usually for a month or so, to make them look genuine.

They are also slowly taking over Reddit too.

Edit: i mean I could also be wrong too, just a hunch
 
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StreetsofBeige

Gold Member
Is POF still free? It was when I used it probably 10 years ago.

What a waste of time. But should have known better, but it was the first time I used an online dating site. And no doubt the shittiest looking dating site out there.

Put in your filters/criteria and you get mostly people who look unemployed or 40 year old students.

Seemed more like disheveled people looking for sugar daddies.
 
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Tehvenom

Member
Before anyone says it, I know...it's POF, what else should I expect. I've tried to be careful with whom I talk to on there. I only message women who I think I can have a connection with. Do they sound nice on their profile, do I think our interests are compatible, etc.

I've had plenty of experience with POF where 90% of the time, I've just gotten ignored, or blocked from simply saying hello and saying I thought we might have stuff in common and that I liked to talk. Online dating has certainly taught me that women are just as shallow, if not more so than men are. I've suffered for most of my life thinking I was ugly, but in recent years, I've come to think I'm not that bad. I think I can be handsome at times, and a few nice women I've meet have commented on how cute I can be. I know I have bad teeth in some respects, but I've done the best I can to work with what I got there. I'm not obese or anything, I could stand a trip to the gym, but at worst I have the beginnings of a "Dad bod".

Anyway, I recently signed up with POF again, because as far as dating sites go, I felt like I had the most success with it in the past. Never really had any long lasting relationships form from it, but at least have met girls who wanted to meet once in a while. That being said, even in my 30s, my dating experience is limited. The shallowness of women has led to me rarely getting actual dates with someone looking for a commitment, and so I do have difficulty putting myself out there for the purpose of finding a connection with someone. I still feel innocent in some ways because of my ignorance or naivety.

Which brings me to this weird exchange I had with a women I messaged recently. Like I said, I tend to not really message anyone unless their profile suggests that we might have a connection. Women rarely if ever make the first move on there, so I'm kinda forced to always browse the site and make an effort, which is exhausting and soul crushing after a while. This woman I messaged, I'll call her Lucy (fake name, but I don't wanna dox her or anything), I sent her a simply message just saying that I thought she was pretty, and she sounded like she was fun and I'd like to get to know more about her.

She messaged me back the following morning, and I didn't do anything to imply I was looking for sex, but she was kinda flirty from the get go. I'm not a virgin, but I'm also not used to receiving advances, so when she started to say certain things, I still tried to play it cool and laugh some of it off. I thought at least she sounded like she was a fun person who wasn't a prude at least. She seemed to appreciate my compliments, and I told her that I thought her profession was cool because it required a lot of schooling, and I tend to think intelligence is pretty attractive. She asked me if those kind of things were a fantasy of mine, and she said she was feeling naughty. She got to some sexual stuff because of that, and before I knew it, she started sending me nude pictures of her.

This was surprising, but it also started to set off some red flags, because I was worried that maybe this was a fake account. You don't get this kind of openness from someone right away I thought, at least I didn't get it right away. I did some simple sleuthing though, and she did have a facebook profile that matched up with everything I had seen about her. She lived where I thought, she worked at a location I was familiar with, etc. So I was at least convinced that this really the woman I was talking to.

Anyway, before I knew it, she was really feeling frisky she said, and she wanted me to be naughty for her. I told her that I was a bit embarrassed by the whole thing, and that I didn't want her to think that was all I was interested in. She told me not to be nervous, and that she wanted these things to put my mind at ease. I told her, that I was interested in more than that, that I'd like to meet her for coffee or drinks, and would she want to exchange numbers. She said yes, and she'd want to meet this week sometime.

Then all of a sudden in the middle of the conversation, she stopped messaging. I didn't think anything of it at the time, she had mention a couple times that she had to leave soon for errands. However it's been several days, and I've seen her pop up on POF, without a peep back at me.

I'm just so confused, and I wanted to vent this story, because as a guy who rarely ever gets this kind of attention, I'm bummed, and honestly sad. I had hoped I had met someone who might be fun, and wasn't a complete shut in when it came to sexual stuff like so many women on POF seem to be. I still keep wishing she would message me back, and say sorry, something came up...but now I just want to delete my POF account and forget about trying anymore.
It happens man but continue on and now you know to be cautious. It could of gotten a lot worse and I feel you could of been scammed.
 

NikuNashi

Member
I met my wife through an online site however it was a language exchange website where no profile pictures are shown to be judged. We met for drinks and language exchange and hit it off. Now before I met my wife I was meeting 2 chicks per week for a few months from the site after work, I was tired and it was hard work. If the chick turned up and I wasn't attracted to her we studied, if she was my type and nice we flirted, it was a very successful process. I am not photogenic and would not get anywhere on Tinder or whatever.

I think like some of the people mentioned here, stop using dating sites, they are designed for women to be able to select their mate and judge you, it's playing into their hands and playing into their vanity. Instead work on yourself. Do what you can with diet and shape your body to what you want, work on your style and look and find a look that suits you and maximises your confidence.

I think the 'chick' in your story is a guy throwing out some nudes in an attempt to bait you to send pics back to to fuck with you, either than or it's a chick you don't want to waste your precious time with.
 
Hey bro don’t think about her too much man. Honestly she was just looking for a hook up. You were not really down with that and she just moved on,that’s all there is to it.

It’s like another poster here said it’s ALL a numbers game. I got rejected by many women but also went on many dates. You will get there bro stay positive and keep your head high. However, I would recommend not using POF anymore there are a lot of low quality people on there.
 
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