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[TrainedRage]

I'm in my early 30's. I have dated in the past, had relationships that have lasted for over 5 years.

However I have not dated in years. I just don't have the urge to go out and date or go online and use a dating site. I don't feel depressed about being single but recently have been thinking about my future and how my life would turn out.

Like, do I want to be living by myself into my later stages of life? When the people in my life eventually go away who will I have? Will I be lonely? Will I regret not having a family and a wife?

I don't know what to feel besides anxiety. Like, I'm ok being alone. I have been doing it for years now and become used to it. But maybe I don't know what I'm missing.

Yeah I would like to fine a person to spend my life with and share experiences. Someone to have my back and look after me.

It's just this rut now of work and not meeting people my own age. I love hanging out with my friends and family but they are all starting to seemingly venture down their own 'family' path.

Am I just thinking too much about this? Should I keep working and just hope that " I meet the right person" randomly? Why am I feeling more and more pressure to be in a relationship? Is being single 'forever' a terribly lonely exisyance or is it compatible with my personality?

Any thoughts or experiences would be great! Hope GAF is having a great week!

 

[AV]

Do you want kids? You're lucky in that you're (presumably) a guy and therefore have a larger window of opportunity for kids. Women have to make this decision much sooner. You could be in your 50s and still meet a nice younger lady to chuck your beans up, so in that sense, you've still got plenty of time.

If you don't want kids then you have even less to worry about because you can go dating at any age. If you don't mind being single for now, then shit, stay single!

 

[kbear]

Your 30s is the absolute best time to be a bachelor, seriously.

- you’ve laid down a solid foundation with your career, hopefully don’t have to stress about money

- you’ve got a lot of experience with socializing, even just carrying a casual vapid conversation, small talk

- you’ve got plenty of experience with the intricacies of a LT relationship; basically, you know what works and what doesn’t thanks to the success and failures over the past 10-15 years

- you’re a pro at layin that pipe

All of this is assuming you’re not a neckbeard incel. I feel like a lot of guys don’t realize how good we have it in our 30s and 40s. There’s no biological clock for us, no rush to get married and have kids, and we age better. OP, don’t even sweat this stuff.

 

[TrainedRage]

I don't NEED kids but would be fine with them if I had a partner who wanted them. Would adopt too.

I guess I'm being over anxious.

 

[PrCat88]

I like that one quote about being better off living by yourself than living with people who make you feel alone. That said, I am open to a relationship again, but in no rush to find one.

 

[Nymphae]

Like, do I want to be living by myself into my later stages of life? When the people in my life eventually go away who will I have? Will I be lonely? Will I regret not having a family and a wife?

I don't know what to feel besides anxiety.

How are you answering these questions?

I had a similar thought process a while ago. Did I want to be living by myself into the later stages of my life? Nope. Who will be around me when the people in my life (close friends and family) are gone? No one. Will I be lonely? Almost certainly, and even more in need of companionship I'd imagine. Will I regret not having a family and wife? Not sure about the family, but I do feel I would regret living my life just for my own gratification and not bonding with anyone else.

 

[kingwingin]

Im 33 and have been through 2, 5 year relationships and thats enough to last me. Dont really want to spend another 5 years just to not work out again.

I do use online dating sites but thats only for women to message me looking for a guy with a belly and a beard to dick then down.

 

[TrainedRage]

How are you answering these questions?

I had a similar thought process a while ago. Did I want to be living by myself into the later stages of my life? Nope. Who will be around me when the people in my life (close friends and family) are gone? No one. Will I be lonely? Almost certainly, and even more in need of companionship I'd imagine. Will I regret not having a family and wife? Not sure about the family, but I do feel I would regret living my life just for my own gratification and not bonding with anyone else.

I feel very much the same way. It's like I took the advice, "just don't worry about it and you will find someone" too far by waiting so long without even trying to date. Like just expecting a relationship to fall into my life.

 

[TrainedRage]

Im 33 and have been through 2, 5 year relationships and thats enough to last me. Dont really want to spend another 5 years just to not work out again.

I do use online dating sites but thats only for women to message me looking for a guy with a belly and a beard to dick then down.

I could never have casual sex. I mean I could try or maybe a girl would be super outgoing but I just have never been the type to hit it and forget it. I get far too emotionally invested.

 

[#Phonepunk#]

imo it is a lonely existence but certainly can be a dignified one.

i think social pressure does a lot to make people feel bad if they haven't got a gf/bf or are getting laid and talking about it all the time and that sucks. the sex positive movement has been shitty in this way, ignoring people that have problems.

it is extra sad that 'incels' have become pretty much ignored by the left, leaving really no place for people with very real problems to turn to.

personally im pretty much doomed to a solo existence, haven't dated anyone in over a decade, im a hetero male but i just never developed the social tools. live how you want to live, without knocking anyone else down, and you're a good person.

 

[TrainedRage]

imo it is a lonely existence but certainly can be a dignified one.

i think social pressure does a lot to make people feel bad if they haven't got a gf/bf or are getting laid and talking about it all the time and that sucks. the sex positive movement has been shitty in this way, ignoring people that have problems.

it is extra sad that 'incels' have become pretty much ignored by the left, leaving really no place for people with very real problems to turn to.

personally im pretty much doomed to a solo existence, haven't dated anyone in over a decade, im a hetero male but i just never developed the social tools. live how you want to live, without knocking anyone else down, and you're a good person.

Fuck it.... Let's date. You sound like good people.

Seriously though I have questioned my sexuality in the sense I think it would be much easier for me to talk to men and be more confident. Probably wouldn't go through with it but it does make me wonder why I am more confident with men. Like going to gay bars and getting hit on vs standing alone an a club drinking. Lol being single for so long has messed with my head.

 

[Ichabod]

Relevant:

 

[ThatStupidLion]

there a lot of things one can say about the situation, so i'll try to not.

I dont know what your relationship history is so its tough to assess how much of a "grass is greener..." situation this is or if you already have had a taste of longterm relationships and were not ready at the time but now youre now missing some of those aspects that you know exist

really it just comes down to you being proactive, putting in the effort, and both parties being completely honest and open, and not wasting each others time. it could take 5 months, 5 years, 25 years. but if you make the decision that yes youre open to finding a person for life, then just gotta put yourself out there and put the work and itll happen.

 

[kingwingin]

I could never have casual sex. I mean I could try or maybe a girl would be super outgoing but I just have never been the type to hit it and forget it. I get far too emotionally invested.

I get around the emotionally invested part by banging women I would never date. but I have zero standards and am happy to bang someones chubby average mom

 

[kingwingin]

Relevant:

 

[ThatStupidLion]

I get around the emotionally invested part by banging women I would never date. but I have zero standards and am happy to bang someones chubby average mom

youre living your best life. and i'm happy for you. and i'm going to live my grass is greener single life fantasy through you from now on. do you have a livejournal I can follow? Maybe we can set up some system where I pay to be able to make dating decisions for you.

 

[V2Tommy]

Firm believer that past the age of 30, all the good ones are taken and you're hoping to find the best of the rest. Not that you can't find someone amazing, but someone more amazing was already taken.

 

[Typhares]

I'm now 31, I had 3 relationships one of them lasted 5 years and another was short but emotionally abusive.
I was fully prepared to stay single rather than settle for something half baked after those. I'm fine on my own, unlike some people I know that cannot stand just being left with their own thoughts.
I was still signed up on some free dating sites but I wasn't messaging anyone, mostly waiting for women to make the fist move.
And two years ago it happened, I met my now fiancée. I guess this is all pure luck but dude if you meet 'the one' then it's all worth it.
I'd say you don't have to necessarily be on the hunt but at least stay open to the idea of letting someone in your life.
To be honest with my fiancée I could tell from the first date that it would go somewhere and from there we tried to spend as much time as we could together from the get go.
I would also say my 5 years relationship was the same but I was just 20 and all the life changes and my own changes made it so it didn't work. At 30 you're much more stable and if you are with someone at the same stage in life it makes it much easier.

 

[J-Roderton]

Cherish it. Cherish it.

 

[Scopa]

There is nothing wrong with being single. Enjoy every second of it whilst you still can.

Those types of people that try to shame you for being older and single are just projecting. They see the freedom you have and they get jealous so they pressure you to join the herd so you too can be miserable like them.

Live it up, mate.

 

[Catphish]

I think it's better to be alone than wish you were.

If you're in a good spot with your singularity, then I say more power to you. If you're lonely, then go meet somebody. Neither is inherently better than the other, because both have their pros and cons.

But I don't think it's worth the energy spent to worry about the future in those terms. If you're happy flying solo, fly solo. If you want to try being with someone, go date. Average-life-spanly speaking, you got all kinds of time. Just do what feels right.

 

[bitbydeath]

There’s a lot of freedom in being single.
You can go out at midnight unexpectedly if you want. But when you’re in a relationship you both typically conform with one another.

That said the loneliness sucks so I prefer overall to not be single.

 

[Deleted member 752119]

I'm happly married now and been with her for over 6 years. We're not having kids as neither of us every wanted any--I've already gotten snipped. I'm super happy as we have a good balance of spending time together, but having a lot of space ourselves. We have mutual friends we hang out together with and individual friends we go out with alone. It's pretty amazing.

That said, I had some 2-3 year single periods in between my first and second long term relationships and between that second one and meeting her and I was very happy then too. I mean sure, lonely and wishing for a more regular sex partner than what I was getting from bars/clubs/online dating. But it was nice to have complete freedom to do what I wanted, not have to make meals for two and all that kind of stuff. I wouldn't go back though now that I found someone that pretty much fits perfectly as a partner and still gives me plenty of "me time" since we're both introverted and don't want to hang out every night after work or all weekend very often. Usually we'll hang out 2 or 3 week nights and one of the weekend days (or parts of both) so I have plenty of time for gaming, watching things she's not interested in, working out etc.

 

[Papa]

Better than being in an unhappy relationship, but not as good as being in a happy one. Aim for the latter, but don’t settle for the former.

 

[J-Roderton]

I'm happily married, but the time you have to yourself, that true alone time, it's gone, bro. Gone.

 

[MastAndo]

Being single might be the most enjoyable part of my life. I'm 38 years old, and have no immediate plans to settle down, as I can't really express how much I adore the peace of mind that comes with being able to do whatever I want, basically whenever I want. I just really have never liked any human being enough to want to be around them day in and day out. I can't even imagine it, and when that point comes in a relationship, I start feeling like I'm suffocating. It's just not for me. I'm just too old to be dishonest with myself. After my last long term relationship ended about 5 years ago, I said I would take a year or so to myself to figure things out before jumping back into a relationship - and in the process I, well, figured things out and I now avoid them altogether.

My involvement with women nowadays are just friendships and romps, not even any real dating. Fortunately, my social group extends pretty wide, and fortunately, there have been a few girls that I end up in bed with whenever we have a few drinks. There's no effort or significant feelings involved, just a friendly rapport and a mutual attraction, and that basically fills my needs. I'm not cold or callous, but I just have zero capacity for traditional romance and I don't pretend to have such feelings just to get laid either. I'm not sure what happened along the way to make me this way, but it just doesn't register with me.

Loneliness isn't a thing for me either. Most of the time I feel like Kevin McCallister when he first realizes his family left him home alone - just the unbridled joy that comes with that sense of freedom. I wake up on a Saturday knowing I have nothing else to do beside binge some Netflix and meet up with my friends for a few beers that night, and I feel like a pig in shit. The pessimist in me anticipates it will all come crashing down some day and I'll be riddled with regret for my relationship choices, but there's no sign of that at all yet. It's just all pretty great.

 

[FireEmoji]

Relevant:

For men who don't get fat this is completely wrong.

 

[Deleted member 752119]

I'm happily married, but the time you have to yourself, that true alone time, it's gone, bro. Gone.

I think that's more having kids--or just having a clingy partner.

I don't have the free time I did when single, but as above I get plenty. Not having kids, wife works more than I do, goes to bed earlier, travels for work more and in general we're both introverts and get wiped from dealing with people at work and like a couple of weeknights and some weekend alone time.

 

[Gander]

We were just talking about this at work. How it seems society and gov't reward you for being marred when people don't really live like that anymore.

It's pretty difficult to just live on your own.

 

[TrainedRage]

Thanks for all the responses and advice GAF. I was too in my own head.

 

[haxan7]

Oops

 

[manfestival]

I went like 10 years without dating from 20 to 30. Then the last couple years of my life has been like nonstop.... granted I grew a beard and become more "adventurous" but yeah... huge change

 

[cr0w]

Worst think you can do is try to force the issue and meet people just because you feel like you "shouldn't" be single. That's a guaranteed way to get involved with someone who's wrong for you and end up in a situation you may regret for the rest of your life.

I went through that myself before I finally just stopped trying so goddamn hard and let life unfold. My wife ended up finding me, and it wasn't until a year into our relationship that we realized we had worked in the same store at the same time years prior, but we never connected for various reasons. It just wasn't time. I'm not saying there's anything spiritual or anything like that, I'm just saying that, much like Goldblum famously said, life uh...finds a way.

 

[Sakura]

I've never not been single so I don't know what I'm missing.
Though the frequent comments like, 'What you don't have a girlfriend? Why not!?' get pretty annoying.

 

[Dark Star]

I'm very happy being single. I get a lot of time to focus on my hobbies, school and career. It really feels like "freedom" when you see all of your old friends getting married and having kids. Most of my friends kinda stopped hanging out regularly when they got into long-term relationships, they really don't have the time or interest in doing things, like playing videogames or whatever else like they used to do. Lots of them were outdoorsy/sporty, but their partner is like the exact opposite. I just don't get it... the whole "opposites attract", it would be hard for me to like a girl who doesn't like or share or even appreciate my tastes/lifestyle choices.

If i got into a relationship, it would have to be with a person who is equally interested in art/music as I am. They would have to understand that i enjoy being alone sometimes - producing music, playing my instruments, experimenting and learning on my own ... or it just wouldn't work out well. People who do well in relationships generally see their partner as their "other half", which is great, but if you've discovered/fulfilled your passion/ambitions on your own, you're almost always better off by yourself, which isn't really typical or normal, but that's the price to pay for truly wanting to be an independent creative individual or even focusing 100% on your career, whatever that is.

 

[G-Bus]

As someone who was single until his mid twenties and then found "the one" and got married and haven't looked back... I'm a bit envious OP. Easily a case of the grass being greener on the other side kind of stuff.

I also get you point about growing old and possibly having regrets. I think that's a normal thing to worry/think about being in your shoes.

Like others have said, enjoy your freedom. You still got a lot of time if you change your mind.

With all the life experience I have, being as finicially stable as I am ... Being single would be A LOT of fun.

 

[Chairman Tickles]

If you have enough money to live comfortably and travel, being single is like being in heaven.

 

[JimmyRustler]

With divorce rates beyond the 50% and seemingly growing I wonder how you get the idea OP that having a relationship is a guarantee for you to not get old alone. Just think about that for a moment or two.

For several reasons ("growing up" way to late, living at home way to long, being way too shy, living in a backward rural area etc.) I have never been in a serious relationship. I tried to get into one several times but it didn't really work out. So here I am at 32 and have lost all drive to even try it. Funny thing is that I feel like I should be depressed about it but I'm really not. Ever since I stopped caring and started to invest all that time I used to pursue and please women into myself, doing sports, fixing up my diet, reading books and reflect about them, getting smarter and enjoying my hobbies I have been the happiest and healthiest I have been in my life. I can honestly say that the last two years have been the best of my life. Aside for the occasional sex there is literally nothing I envy my friends in relationships for. So at some point I just asked myself why I even care... and then just stopped. It has been like a deep breath of fresh air.

Do I still wake up sometimes and think about if I made the right choice? Sure. But I know for a fact that a lot of people in relationships also wake up and think the same thing - and they probably do that more often than I do.

 

[Orpheum]

There's nothing wrong with being single. In my opinion it's worse if you're the kind of person who can't funtion as a human being without a partner. Having your kind of thoughts is completely normal, don't hang yourself up about it.

 

[Porcile]

I was single recently and enjoyed travelling around Asia, eating whatever the fuck I wanted and doing whatever the fuck I wanted. The freedom was great, but I got a new girlfriend recently and she gave me three blowjobs in one day, so bye single life, I guess.

Be single, but fuck more, is the best advice I can give. I wasn't fucking enough lol

 

[highrider]

Men have an expiration date on healthy sperm as well. Once you hit 50 the chances for autism and a lot of other things increases significantly.

I’m going to take a possibly unpopular stance, have kids. We need less dumb people to have kids. Feminism and the demonization of male sexuality in the West I think have put a strain on relationships. Women and men are becoming less functional as partners. That being said I completely understand why men are kind of checking out of dating and relationships, I have completely. I made my one big attempt at 35, had a son, lived with his mom for 10 years. Just have zero interest in going through it again.

 

[Hypnosekroete]

Getting 33 next month and never had girlfriend.. I stopped years ago caring about it and i love it right now. I can do whatever i want in my freetime and my 2 cats are my best friends.
Having kids is my worst nightmare and sex isnt important to me - its not bad but VR Porn is a good substitute.

 

[betrayal]

If you have enough money to live comfortably and travel, being single is like being in heaven.

That's true. But do you now what is even more awesome? Travel together with a like-minded girlfriend. We're together for over 8 years now and every single road trip was a blast.

Beyond that i would not mind being single. Everything comes with pros and cons and my times as a single were awesome. But having a partner with which you can share things like traveling and more while at the same time doing things on your own...i would always prefer that,

 

[Marsellio23]

It seems to me that you best go to a psychologist. He will help you understand yourself.

 

[appaws]

I think we are generally "meant" to be paired off, in a cosmic (religious) sense for me....but even in an evolutionary sense for those of you who are not religious. Of course, there are great moments to being alone. I am really happy when my wife goes out of town sometimes to spend girl time with her sister, and I get to drink bourbon and play RDR2 in my underwear all day. But I don't think that would continue to be satisfying in the long-term.

We met in college and have been together now almost 20 years, married 14. So I missed the dating app thing completely.

Sex, IMO, is better in my long marriage than it ever was as a one-nighter. Yes, there is a certain excitement to getting some "strange" but I think movies, etc. make that out to be bigger than it is. Most one night stands are alcohol fueled and really one sided and selfish...not that good. Sex gets REALLY good with a deeper level of commitment and love, a deep physical familiarity with a person, knowing their wants and needs, etc., and leaving behind all concerns about contraception and diseases.

I encourage you to keep putting yourself out there. You don't have to be in a constant search for Mrs. Trainedrage, but you have to have that somewhere in the back of your mind for each girl you date, because you are not a kid anymore, and any healthy age appropriate woman you date will be thinking the same thing about you at some point.

As an attorney I see a lot of my colleagues who are single in their thirties and even into their forties. College, law school, and getting on the partnership track consumed their lives, but biology can only be denied for so long. A lot of them overcompensate with a lot of bragging about how happy and fulfilled they are to be single. Maybe some of them are telling the truth, IDK. I notice a gender disparity. I have seen several 40+ attorneys marry 25 year old paralegals and interns and start families. I see no trend like that for aging single female attorneys, sadly. I think part of it is that even a very attractive single female 40 year old law partner intimidates the fuck out of most men. I know a lot of them would have ripped me apart in both the courtroom and the bedroom.

 

[Nelsin]

Your 30s is the absolute best time to be a bachelor, seriously.

- you’ve laid down a solid foundation with your career, hopefully don’t have to stress about money

- you’ve got a lot of experience with socializing, even just carrying a casual vapid conversation, small talk

- you’ve got plenty of experience with the intricacies of a LT relationship; basically, you know what works and what doesn’t thanks to the success and failures over the past 10-15 years

- you’re a pro at layin that pipe

All of this is assuming you’re not a neckbeard incel. I feel like a lot of guys don’t realize how good we have it in our 30s and 40s. There’s no biological clock for us, no rush to get married and have kids, and we age better. OP, don’t even sweat this stuff.

Actually there is for kids..... around early 40s for women ,unlimited for men, but also not a lot of women wanna have kids with 45+ men. So I say both genders have biological clock

 

[Starlight Lotice]

Never been in a relationship (a proper one, not a random 1 week thing where nothing happens) to even know really. (Not that I haven't tried, I just have no clue on how to approach someone)

Being single isn't too bad. You don't have to share your savings with someone else and you get to do what you want. Some people change in a relationship too where they may neglect family/friends because of their partner.

The downsides are that people may think you are weird going everywhere by yourself and probably not having anyone to rely on when things turn sour in life.

I have been depressed in the past about this but it's not a requirement to date (it would be messed up to force people to). I think it depends on someone's experience being in a relationship over a certain period vs someone who has never dated vs someone who has been rejected too many times.

If you are happy about being single regardless of the downsides, then that's great! I think most people take comfort in being with someone when they find the right partner and don't know how to be single. Some actually prefer the off and on approach.

I don't judge anyone of their preferences. Just be Happy!

 

[SKM1]

I think we are generally "meant" to be paired off, in a cosmic (religious) sense for me....but even in an evolutionary sense for those of you who are not religious. Of course, there are great moments to being alone. I am really happy when my wife goes out of town sometimes to spend girl time with her sister, and I get to drink bourbon and play RDR2 in my underwear all day. But I don't think that would continue to be satisfying in the long-term.

We met in college and have been together now almost 20 years, married 14. So I missed the dating app thing completely.

Sex, IMO, is better in my long marriage than it ever was as a one-nighter. Yes, there is a certain excitement to getting some "strange" but I think movies, etc. make that out to be bigger than it is. Most one night stands are alcohol fueled and really one sided and selfish...not that good. Sex gets REALLY good with a deeper level of commitment and love, a deep physical familiarity with a person, knowing their wants and needs, etc., and leaving behind all concerns about contraception and diseases.

I encourage you to keep putting yourself out there. You don't have to be in a constant search for Mrs. Trainedrage, but you have to have that somewhere in the back of your mind for each girl you date, because you are not a kid anymore, and any healthy age appropriate woman you date will be thinking the same thing about you at some point.

As an attorney I see a lot of my colleagues who are single in their thirties and even into their forties. College, law school, and getting on the partnership track consumed their lives, but biology can only be denied for so long. A lot of them overcompensate with a lot of bragging about how happy and fulfilled they are to be single. Maybe some of them are telling the truth, IDK. I notice a gender disparity. I have seen several 40+ attorneys marry 25 year old paralegals and interns and start families. I see no trend like that for aging single female attorneys, sadly. I think part of it is that even a very attractive single female 40 year old law partner intimidates the fuck out of most men. I know a lot of them would have ripped me apart in both the courtroom and the bedroom.

Thank you for sharing this. I share your POV but tend to get cynical with all the bullshit going on with regards to relationships.

I've had only one relationship and by the end of it I was exhausted. When I ended things I felt an indescribably sensation of freedom and wellbeing. It was weird. Nowadays I'm focusing on my career.

 

[petran79]

Getting 33 next month and never had girlfriend.. I stopped years ago caring about it and i love it right now. I can do whatever i want in my freetime and my 2 cats are my best friends.
Having kids is my worst nightmare and sex isnt important to me - its not bad but VR Porn is a good substitute.

Same. I get bored even talking over 1 minute over the phone. Was never as talkative for that matter. Though I am so much left behind, I doubt any woman would take me seriously once she learns my true self. I should be university level, whereas I havent even entered elementary school. No sexual drive either.
Agree on VR Porn. At least there you dont feel guilt and shame with prostitution. Eg in the uK it is illegal and you need to set dates in secret locations. Also you do not have to waste time looking for your ideal pornstar. You can even create him/her or whoever you like on your own.

 

[NewComer]

Enjoy it! Being single is a great life...until you find one of the right partners for you. Like other posters have stated there are advantages/disadvantages to both.