Gay and Bisexual Coming-out thread |OT|

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Mar 20, 2007
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#1
As mentioned in the original thread, the existence of megathread is no longer allowed. This thread is for coming-out issues. So don't post random discussion about games or other meme here.

Post here if you want to talk about:

* Your uncertainty regarding your sexuality.
* Possible attraction to same-sex or more than one sex.
* Problems with your family/friends, bullying, etc.
* Experience that you're not sure of.
* Issues pertaining to being gay or bisexual, etc.


If you want to post about relationship issues, go to:

* Gay and Bisexual relationship thread

If you want to chat with other GayGAF members, join them on Skype:

* Download Skype.
* Add either: technicolor.sai or motorde with a request to join the chat and they will add you. We use the Skype chat as a means to be a little more silly and chatty than we are on the forums! Beware the potential NWS in chat.

If in the future, if one of these two threads are not big enough, it'd be merged as one.
 
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Deleted member 30609

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#3
I get the feeling this will eventually be merged with the other one and it'll naturally evolve into Gay Discussion 2.0, but at the same time, I like that this process will probably end up making the thread(s) a lot more fat-free.

As with the other thread, my PM inbox is open if you want someone to talk to privately. Hope these threads work out.

I have my own story from roughly five months ago I might post again if this thread ends up flatlining too early. Either way, I'm glad we've found some form of middleground. :)
 
Mar 20, 2007
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Maybe I should mention that I'm not actually out yet to my friends and family. I don't think I can afford to do that. Some of my friends are very religious while others may seem weirded out if they find out. Forget about telling my family. They'd disown me for sure.

Apart from that though, I don't have conflict about who I am. If I ever find a friend that I think is open-minded enough, I'd definitely tell him/her. There are times when I am tempted to just tell them and see the repercussion though.
 
Nov 26, 2009
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#8
I'm not out to family, but I am to most of my close friends. A few of them have been fairly indiscreet about it, so it's a poorly kept secret at this point. Hardly even that.

I don't really have any intention to announce it though, before I'm in any sort of relationship. Just don't see the point, though I won't hide it either. Nobody cares.
 
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Deleted member 30609

Unconfirmed Member
#9
Replicant said:
Maybe I should mention that I'm not actually out yet to my friends and family. I don't think I can afford to do that. Some of my friends are very religious while others may seem weirded out if they find out. Forget about telling my family. They'd disown me for sure.

Apart from that though, I don't have conflict about who I am. If I ever find a friend that I think is open-minded enough, I'd definitely tell him/her. There are times when I am tempted to just tell them and see the repercussion though.
I say this not knowing you or your family, but I think in most cases people are surprised by how quickly the status quo is restored following something like this.

Personally, I think it's best to let it happen spontaneously and not plan from months ahead.

I came out to my mother, and then over the next week or two the rest of my extended family and friends, totally spontaneously on my birthday. I didn't plan it advance. I don't think I'd have had the courage to actually PLAN something. :lol
 
Apr 7, 2006
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jdogmoney said:
What about asexuals?

Rare enough that Chrome spellcheck doesn't think it's a word. Oddly, neither is "spellcheck"...but they (we? kind of?) are out there.
I can't help but think they're depriving themselves of an essential human experience. But my perspective simply doesn't understand the concept of zero sexual drive. The idea is totally foreign to me.

Surely it must be the result of some type of chemical or hormonal imbalance?
 
May 30, 2006
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Are any of you guys planning to never tell your family? I think I would be quite happy if they never know. But I always feel that eventually they will find out somehow.
 
Aug 1, 2009
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sublime085 said:
I can't help but think they're depriving themselves of an essential human experience. But my perspective simply doesn't understand the concept of zero sexual drive. The idea is totally foreign to me.

Surely it must be the result of some type of chemical or hormonal imbalance?
I personally find it to be an interesting quirk, as they can still feel romantic feelings:

Asexuals, while typically lacking in sexual desire for either sex, may engage in purely emotional romantic relationships. Terms concerning this:

  • aromantic: lack of romantic attraction towards anyone of any gender
  • biromantic: romantic attraction towards person(s) of either gender
  • heteroromantic: romantic attraction towards person(s) of the opposite gender
  • homoromantic: romantic attraction towards person(s) of the same gender
  • panromantic: romantic attraction towards person(s) of any gender or lack of gender
  • transromantic: romantic attraction towards person(s) of variant or ambiguous gender
  • polyromantic: romantic attraction towards person(s) of more than one gender or sex but without implying, as biromantic does, that there are only two genders or sexes
The above applies to people who feel sexual attraction as well, but I've yet to see anyone use these terms.
 
Nov 26, 2009
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#21
zankara said:
Are any of you guys planning to never tell your family? I think I would be quite happy if they never know. But I always feel that eventually they will find out somehow.
Why? Unless you're planning to have no serious relationship, ever. You can't hide that.
 
May 30, 2006
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Yoshiya said:
Why? Unless you're planning to have no serious relationship, ever. You can't hide that.
Yeah I suppose. I just know that when they find out it's going to be extremely messy, and I can't really be bothered dealing with it.
 
Nov 26, 2009
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#23
zankara said:
Yeah I suppose. I just know that when they find out it's going to be extremely messy, and I can't really be bothered dealing with it.
You'll feel better once it's done. Not to mention you won't be so constrained. Act as as you wish, it isn't their business to stop you. It's their problem is they object, don't let that keep you effectively in the closet.
 
Jan 19, 2010
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#29
Troll be trollin'?

You do not need to do anything you didn't do before. You just need to be whatever you feel comfortable being. Having a lisp or no is no better or worse.

Some people fit the stereotypes, some don't.
 

okno

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Aug 4, 2006
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#30
Cool party, dudes!

I just came out about... three weeks ago? Yeah. I've always "known" I was gay, but it's, you know, one of those "things," where you don't know, and you're always saying to yourself, "well... I don't know... maybe. I like boobs, a lot... I think... Vaginas are nice? Oh, whoa, hey there daddy, how you doin'?" I'm 23, going on 24, and I've had one serious girlfriend (summer of 08 until spring of 10), wherein we had sex... five times? Possibly six. Before I met her, I had had sex with three guys, one guy I saw twice and both times we did it up the poop chute, and I liked it. A lot. However, I was convinced I was just curious, shelved those memories on my shelf of Sexual Memories (snuggled right next to my Repressed Daddy Memories and Cute Pets From the Past), moved on, and met my now-ex and dated her for 18 months too long.

Sex with her was horrifying. Not because she's a woman (five years my senior), in fact I find eating pussy HIGHLY erotic and few things turn me on more than making a girl come with my tongue, but because she was so utterly passionless and so... not manly. She lacked that heat, that fire, that the guys I've slept with all have. I feel like guys go fucking nuts in the sack, biting, scratching, slapping, all that fun stuff, but she just... laid there. If I tried to get aggressive in the slightest, she'd stop everything and ask me what the hell I was doing, and then she'd say, "I want you inside me, just do it." Sex felt like an odd obligation, a chore, in a way, and because of it I performed horribly. I think the longest I ever lasted inside her was five minutes, tops. My sexual and personal confidence in our relationship was shot to hell, so one day I just broke it off (this was in February) and never looked back.

Then, in July, I moved to NYC from Chicago. Left everything of my past life behind, just packed a small suitcase with some clothes and hopped on a plane here, and now live with my brother and sister-in-law. Got a job in Chelsea, which I did not know at the time is the gay district, basically, of Manhattan. For the first time in my life, I became truly independent. I was able to form new relationships with wildly different people. I was forced to learn who I truly was as a person, mentally, physically, and sexually, and realized that being in Chicago, around such familiar friends and family, that I was unwilling to "change" myself, so to speak, and accept my sexuality, because it felt like I'd be betraying those near to me. Everyone I knew in Chicago was oddly homophobic, while still being accepting of gays, but it was mostly just if anyone close to them came out or did "gay things," they would get ridiculed and shunned. I had to get away from that, and god damn it, I'm fucking glad I did. I've never felt better in my life, spiritually, about who I am and what I'm doing. I've never felt more comfortable in my own skin.

My "aha!" moment happened three weeks ago when I met Pete on the dancefloor at a disco show :3 After that night, I knew there was no doubt in my mind I was gay.
 
Oct 28, 2008
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#32
okno said:
Cool party, dudes!

I just came out about... three weeks ago?
...
I've never felt more comfortable in my own skin.

My "aha!" moment happened three weeks ago when I met Pete on the dancefloor at a disco show :3 After that night, I knew there was no doubt in my mind I was gay.
Yay! So happy for you!

Coming out was the most liberating thing I've ever done. Yeah, there were a few small bumps along the way, but fortunately it was relatively smooth sailing for me.

Welcome to the club, okno!
 
Sep 29, 2004
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I guess whether or not you come out has a lot to do with the reception you got when you did. Told my mom and she told me that I was selfish and that I had to move out. Later on she was like, "If you need more time you can stay." The damage was done.

My brother took me to dinner and told me that I could learn to control it like pedophiles do. He's great with words.

All of my straight friends that I told continue to tell me that they think if I got with a woman I would change my mind. Whenever I try to be myself they always push back, as me not to bring up anything gay. Or the talk behind my back. This was three years ago and it really hasn't gotten any better where my friends are concerned.

I kind of wish I hadn't put myself out there like that. Far more people know about my sexual preference than I'd like. I've grown to think of it more and more as something personal.

I wouldn't advocate lying to yourself about who you are. That's not what I wish I had done. But I can't say that I'm happy with the outcome of my own coming out. I wish I had been more upfront with myself about the potential consequences of the decision I was making.
 
Dec 5, 2008
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#42
Jibber Hack said:
I guess whether or not you come out has a lot to do with the reception you got when you did. Told my mom and she told me that I was selfish and that I had to move out. Later on she was like, "If you need more time you can stay." The damage was done.

My brother took me to dinner and told me that I could learn to control it like pedophiles do. He's great with words.

All of my straight friends that I told continue to tell me that they think if I got with a woman I would change my mind. Whenever I try to be myself they always push back, as me not to bring up anything gay. Or the talk behind my back. This was three years ago and it really hasn't gotten any better where my friends are concerned.

I kind of wish I hadn't put myself out there like that. Far more people know about my sexual preference than I'd like. I've grown to think of it more and more as something personal.

I wouldn't advocate lying to yourself about who you are. That's not what I wish I had done. But I can't say that I'm happy with the outcome of my own coming out. I wish I had been more upfront with myself about the potential consequences of the decision I was making.
This is a sad reality for many people. It's easy to say "Come on, it's nobody's business but your own and your parents will love you anyway," but that doesn't mean much for a lot of kids who come out of the closet are are completely disowned by their families. It's one thing when you're out on your own, but it can be really bad if you're still dependent on your homophobic parents.

My sexuality is not a secret, by the way. My family is all really cool with it and they've met my husband and they absolutely love him because he's great.
 
Dec 31, 2005
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dreamcastmaster said:
My dad came out last year. That was difficult to deal with as it's supposed to be the other way around.
I haven't read this, so I can't recommend it personally, but this is one of the few books I know about coming out that focuses on the spouse / children of gay adults who come out later in life after having started a heterosexual family.

What has happened since he came out?
 
Feb 9, 2006
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#48
defining yourself by your sexuality to the point where you have to clear the air about it with anyone is silly. i'm not joining a community, i'm just attracted to what i'm attracted to (HOT BITCHES/BIG TITTIES, etc).

not to undermine anyone who's had a positive "coming out" experience.. just always seems it's more about proving something to themselves.. making sure people are "okay" with them.

thing is, i've never cared about people being "okay" with me.
 

okno

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Aug 4, 2006
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#49
blame space said:
defining yourself by your sexuality to the point where you have to clear the air about it with anyone is silly. i'm not joining a community, i'm just attracted to what i'm attracted to (HOT BITCHES/BIG TITTIES, etc).

not to undermine anyone who's had a positive "coming out" experience.. just always seems it's more about proving something to themselves.. making sure people are "okay" with them.

thing is, i've never cared about people being "okay" with me.
Ever since I entered junior high, I had several social anxiety. The way others perceived me consumed me and made me miserable. I couldn't go to the grocery store to buy milk without thinking every single person in there was staring at me and saying awful things about me (I was also grossly overweight). Some people have a hard time just being themselves, and it can take over their lives. It's really not enough to just say to yourself, "Okay, I'm gay and I'm okay with that, and I'll just keep it to myself," because that leads to you having to masquerade as something else to certain people, because you can't be completely open about your preferences. When I speak to my mother and she talks about me getting another girlfriend, it's incredibly awkward to force a smile, nod, and say, "oh sure, yeah, I'll get right on it!" I know she'll still love me when I come out to her, but right now is not the best time for that (severe family issues going on, no need to go into detail).

edit: I should mention that I no longer have social anxiety.
 
Jun 9, 2004
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#50
blame space said:
defining yourself by your sexuality to the point where you have to clear the air about it with anyone is silly. i'm not joining a community, i'm just attracted to what i'm attracted to (HOT BITCHES/BIG TITTIES, etc).

not to undermine anyone who's had a positive "coming out" experience.. just always seems it's more about proving something to themselves.. making sure people are "okay" with them.

thing is, i've never cared about people being "okay" with me.

The point of it is to be honest with those you care about. Not to join a group and get the newsletter.

Nevermind the fact that the more that come out and show others that we're everywhere, the easier it gets for gay youth coming up.

In short, it's not all about you. :D
 
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